Last of the Summer Wine (1973–2010): Season 13, Episode 2 - Give Us a Lift - full transcript

Toom!

Toom!

It brings back wartime memories.

You know, Burma. 1943.

You know. Snipers up trees.
You just reminded me.

I wish I'd a shilling for every
sniper I've shot out of a tree.

..At least, I THINK
they were snipers.

They could've been employees of
the Burmese telephone system...

Now, come on! Shake yourself!

A sack of GOOD King Edwards. Be sure
he lets you see they're all right.

DON'T come back here with rubbish!



And a sack of Brussels sprouts.
Them tiny little nutty ones.

Not them that look
as if they belong in a buttonhole!

Well? What you hanging about for?

Off you go!
I'm going! I'm going!

Has she got thee on a chain-gang?
You're not kidding.

Running errands won't hurt him.

YOU'D be better off with something
to do. Make me an offer. Get inside!

Don't let that nasty expression
fool you, Smiler.

It's to hide the fact that whenever
I'm near, her heart skips a beat.

Skips a beat?

Half a dozen, when you wander about
in your underwear!

See that? She's gone inside
for a quick tremble.

You've either got it or you
haven't. The old sexual magnetism!

How d'you like being Nora's lodger?
It's like being married.



Better not be TOO much
like being married!

Like I'm in the army
again. Always on jankers.

As long as thou doesn't start
enjoying it.

What the dickens are you doing?

Cleggy was showing me his beetle.

Well, it's not actually MY beetle.

Beetle? It's only a little beetle.
I'm relieved(!)

We've never seen one like it.
It must think that about you two!

It occurred to me
that it might be an unusual beetle.

A scientific discovery. I could
have a beetle named after me.

Norman?
A BEETLE called Norman?!

No, not Norman. "Clegg's" beetle.

I was just checking with Howard
if he'd seen one like it before.

I haven't. It's very unusual.

They never get really excited
about things like beetles.

It's gone!

It's gone! We've been standing here
tal... Lift your feet up!

Thank you!

Hey-up!

Here! Cleggy's discovered a beetle.

NOT in here, he hasn't! Not in here!
Then, I wish he'd make that clear.

I don't want customers thinking
I permit creepy-crawlies in here!

Your average Anglo-Saxon beetle
is very small, as beetles go.

You should've seen 'em
in the jungle. Oh, ye gods!

They'd fly off
with a steel helmet.

He DOES talk some fanny!

It was only about that big.

A handsome little fellow.
It was a shiny bottle-green.

Should've kept it. It slipped away
while Pearl spoke to us.
Howard has the same instinct.

Do you lot WANT serving, or will you
just stand there talking beetles?

Yeah, well, I'll have one of these.

NOT with beetle hands, you won't!

Either these hills
are getting steeper,
or gravity's getting heavier.

Oh, nonsense!

A spot of vigorous exercise.

It's a lot like being really ill,
is vigorous exercise.

Have you noticed the similarities?

Your ears are ringing, you've got
spots before your eyes, you're
liable to be sick. Oh, yes...

Vigorous exercise really is
quite a lot like being really ill.

Just be thankful you're not going
uphill, wearing full equipment
and carrying a rifle and bayonet.

Oh, I wish I was. The first twit
who'd get a prong would be thee.

Thou wouldn't fancy sitting down
for a while, either. Very well.
We'll take a breather. Breather?!

I gave that up half a mile ago!

The world's changing shape, right?
Right.

So these hills
could be getting steeper.

Well, I wouldn't be surprised.
Everything else keeps going up.

You don't call these hills, do you?

You should've seen the hills
in New Guinea. They WERE hills!

Thou were never in New Guinea!

Well, maybe that's what's wrong.

Maybe these ARE New Guinea hills.

Somebody's bought a load cheap.

Round here,
if the price is right...

You want to try climbing
in jungle heat, carrying full
equipment... Forget New Guinea.

I'm telling thee, these local hills
are getting steeper.

There's two options. Either I'm
getting out of condition, or the
hills are getting steeper. Well ?

Well. Well, look at me!

I'm in magnificent condition.

Which proves that the hills
are getting steeper.

This morning,
I saw a most unusual beetle.

Now the hills are getting steeper.

Is there a connection, d'you think?

SQUEAKING

Sounds like something in pain.

It sounds big and angry.

If it's another beetle,
somebody else can have this one.

It's Nora Batty's wheelbarrow.

Hey-up, Smiler!

Oh, I wish you wouldn't do that!

What's he doing up here with that?

He's going up the farm for tatties.

It's uncanny the way you knew that.

That's a gift, Norm.
AND some sprouts.

AND some sprouts.
There you go again!

And these hills are getting steeper.
What did I tell thee?
It's uncanny!

Well, don't just stand there.
Give the man a hand.

(Norman.)

I have this feeling
my back's about to go.

You can, you. You can
actually see into the future.

..I can, Norm.

Oh, don't encourage him!

Oh! A-A-Ah! Oh-h-h...!

O-O-Ohhhh! That's incredible.

It's a very convenient back.

Tricky things, backs.
Not half as tricky as some people!

I've had lifelong trouble
with this back.

Because you've never put it INTO
anything. It never goes when you're
enjoying yourself. Strange...

He's heavy, I know THAT much!

It'll be good practice, Smiler.
For the tatties. AND the sprouts!

Ha-ha! What a bonny little chap
you are(!)

But you'll have to tell your mam
to get some oil on that pram wheel.

Oh, thanks for the lift, Smiler.
His back soon got better! Like
I told thee, backs are tricky.

Thou never knows from one minute
to the next... O-Ohhh...!

What's up with him?
We think it's insanity.

He climbed these mountains in
New Guinea. We always go to Ibiza.

I've got it. Thou's had it for
ages. Drink up! We're going. Where?

To Wesley's. What for?

It will all become clear.

What's it for?
Ah, that's on a need-to-know basis.

It'll never work. But you don't
even know what it is. I know
it's something that'll never work.

They said that to Alexander Graham
Bell when he invented the phone.

Tried Directory Enquiries lately?

What do you think he's up to?
I don't know.

But I suspect that now might be
a good time to leave. No reason
for us to get involved. Louder.

THERE'S NO REASON FOR US TO GET
INVO-OLVED! Remember that. I will.

It's just curiosity.

I'm hanging about, trying to find
out what it is. Then we'll leave.
Right.

Why must men sprawl
over everything?

That's what I keep asking mine.

They don't know
how to stand decently waiting.

There he goes again, sprawling.

Which "one" is it? The one with
the clothes that look as though
he's barely survived an explosion.

Oh, him. He's always on the fidget.

I don't believe he CAN stand still.

I blame his trousers.

He's living so dangerously
in trousers like that,
I don't think he DARE stand still!

Men are no good at being still.

Born with fidgety extremities.

You can say that again!

My Barry can stay still.

For hours...

Have you had him checked?
May be a thyroid condition.

It's probably worse than that.

The only one I've ever seen
perfectly still was dead.

THEN I bet they had to embalm him.

I blame the male metabolism.

Anything that has to shave every day
is obviously growing
far quicker than is necessary.

Their faces are out of control.
Not only their faces!

You see, there he goes again.

Why is it when men
are standing waiting,

they have to impersonate
a snake going up a drain-pipe?

Oh, come and sit down.
Don't let them wind you up.

It's what they do best.

It's true. They sprawl over
everything. You see it in the cafe.

Ladies sit straight on their chairs.
The men flop around, all jellified.

They look as if
they've been filleted.

Feet sticking out at all angles.
They've no idea about dainty.
I don't know. Some of them have.

Him that runs the boutique's dainty.

He is. I often think how neat he is.

You shouldn't go to boutiques.

You weren't raised
to go to boutiques.

You were brought up Co-op, and I
don't see why you can't stay Co-op.
Oh, Mother!

Right, you men!

To me, at the double.

Jawohl!

And when we've seen what it is...
we'll leave.

What is it? It's a chairlift.

Why do we have to give a chair
a lift? Ask this great dollop.
His idea.

Give us a hand, lads.

Oh, steady on! Steady...

STRAINING

Yes, you see, it's for
travelling uphill in comfort.

What do people do
when they go skiing? Break a leg.

They just come down the hills.

They go uphill in a chairlift.

It's my adaptation of a chairlift,
suitable for local needs.

Where are we going?

We're going to test it.

..I think it's time to leave. I
don't see any harm in a chairlift.

Are you sure about this?
It's only a chair.
Get in the back. Watch the chair.

I still think it's time we left.
There's nothing to it, Norm.

Careful!

I think this is the best one yet.

If anybody sees us, they'll think
all we're doing is bird-watching.
That IS all we've been doing.

But we've got to learn a few birds
in case we get questioned on it.

How many birds
do we have to learn?

Just a handful.

You're all right. You only fell
on your head. Could've been killed.

Not very likely. Whenever there's
a disaster, once the smoke clears,
your kind come through every time.

How do you feel? As though
I've fallen backwards off a lorry.

I need a drink. If it's
such a drama I'll get you a beer.

I'm suffering from shock.

I want a large whisky.

All right, then.
I'll get you a large whisky.

Well, there's a shock for a start!

Oh, Howard...!

Oh, Marina...!

BINOCULARS CLINK

I hope I didn't damage anything.

Nothing that can't be mended.

Oh...Marina...!

Oh, Howard...!

SQUEAKING

What kind of bird is that?

I'm sure I don't know.
We've got a lot to learn.
You can say THAT again(!)

SQUEAKING PERSISTS

NOISE FADES

RAPID SQUEAKING

I can't hear it, Howard.

Aye, it's gone.

I think we heard a whimbrel!

..What? A whimbrel.

It describes the noise here.

I think we definitely
heard a whimbrel. Pretty good.

First time out, we hear a whimbrel.

Fancy(!) I get all dressed up
and come out here...

and, lucky me,
I get to hear a whimbrel(!)

You're, um... You're sure
you want to do this?

Sitting in a chair?
That's just my biggest hope, Norm.

He's going to get towed to the top
of the hill, sitting in a chair.
No effort required. It's just me.

Just about his mark, lolling
about in a chair. That's true.

So, we pull him up to the...
top of the hill.

Then what?

We'll lower the chair back down
and we'll wait for a customer.

We can offer
a kind of ferry service, you see.

Instead of people having to plod
wearily to the top of this hill,

we can take all the pain out of it.

Right. Now, are you ready?
I'm ready!
Wesley, ready down here!

You twit!

I want a whisky!

The overheads on this project
will eat up the profits.

Next time he falls,
someone else buys. Next?!

How many more times? No more times.
We'll get it right this time.
I've calculated where the fault is.

The fault's you tipping me out!

Only on your head. At THESE prices,
I can't afford to keep tipping you.

The chair needs larger wheels.

..We'll change the wheels. WE?!

I like the way he says "we"!
Guess who'll be changing the wheels.
That's what I like! A volunteer.

You, um...

sure about this? Are you kidding?

One jerk, over I go, straight up
for another whisky! Put this on.
I'd sooner have a whisky. ON!

What do you think, Norm?
Well, I, um...

I think it's a lovely colour. You
will look very dashing in a helmet.

It's too small.

You're trying to avoid
putting it on. Give over!
No way will this go on!

It's too tight!
It's a snug fit, that's all.

Don't you think
it might be painful ? Of course.

Holding somebody upside-down
like this is bound to be painful.

I feel it in me arms. No, for HIM!

..Oh, for HIM!

I don't see why.
WE'RE doing all the work.

Thou's got a fiercer grip
than Nora Batty!

Oh, stop complaining!
You're safe from injury now.

Wes-ley!

You see? It's working! We're
on the verge of something here.

It's all right. It's better than
walking. Hey, Norm, step aboard.
Let's not push our luck. Come on!

Step aboard. Yes.
I think we all ought to test it.

Profits'll be better if we can
take two or three at a time.

That's it.
COMPO GROANS

See?

Well, I...I don't like boasting,
but...

What every policeman needs,

they don't tell you
at training school. Love.

I think...what we need,
basically, is love.

I was thinking more along the lines
of little hiding places.

Spots like this, where a policeman
can get lost for a while. Unwind.
Beyond the reach of prying eyes.

Oh, my God!

His head's twisted round.

Get me out of here! Adjust
the helmet. Come on. Pull it.

Subtitles by BBC Scotland, 1991

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