Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 9, Episode 17 - Episode #9.17 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Welcome to "Last Week Tonight".
I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much for joining us.
We are back,

and sadly there is no time
to recap everything

that we've missed
in the last month,

including multiple world leaders
losing their jobs,

sometimes after mass protest,
like in Sri Lanka,

and sometimes after
mass government resignations,

like in the UK,

where Boris Johnson finally
stepped down in disgrace,

prompting this magnificent
man-on-the-street interview.

Excuse me, sir, sorry to disturb.
I'm from BBC Newsnight,

just wondering what you think
of Boris Johnson resigning today.

I want him to go.
He's a pain in the ass.

Excellent. I mean, Dirtbag English
Stanley Tucci is perfect.

From now on, that man should
be asked for comment

on every major news event.

In fact, put him on "Love Island"
right now.

I'm so fucking serious about this.

A new bombshell has entered the villa.

Meanwhile, here in the US,

the January 6th committee
hearings have been continuing,

with the latest taking place
on Thursday,

featuring some interesting footage
of Josh Hawley,

who you may remember riled up
the crowd earlier in the day

with a fist of solidarity,

but who we now know
was seen running for safety

after they stormed the Capitol.
That is painfully embarrassing.

That is the gait of a man who's either
just gassed up an insurrection

that's now bearing down
on top of him,

or just drank a large iced coffee
45 minutes ago.

Either way, those legs scream
"I've made a huge mistake".

But maybe the best response
to that clip

came from former DC police officer
Michael Fanone,

who was injured in the riot,
and offered this commentary.

The first thoughts that popped
into my mind was,

Josh Hawley is a bitch
and he ran like a bitch.

Now, I personally would not say that.

I'd say Josh Hawley is a bitch
who ran like a chihuahua

desperately trying to keep up
with its owner on a casual walk.

But you know what,
to each their own.

And look, I'm sure that there'll be more
to say about this

when the hearings resume
in September,

but for now, we're gonna dive straight
in with our main story this week,

as it concerns a topic that's been
at the forefront of the news

over the past year.

Tonight, inflation nation.

Inflation's grip on American
consumers not letting up.

It's called lunch-flation.

- Booze flation.
- Milk-flation.

Meat-flation is rocking the nation.

Okay, first, a big, enthusiastic nope
to the word "meatflation",

which sounds less like
an economic phenomenon

and more like a slang term
for a boner.

It is honestly hard to think
of a more unpleasant portmanteau

than meatflation,
aside from maybe "snart",

which combines the words sneeze
and fart,

or "Ronzo",

which would obviously be the celebrity
couple name if Ron Howard

ever fucked Gonzo the Muppet.

As you undoubtedly know,

the US is experiencing the highest
inflation of the past 40 years.

And despite initial hopes
that it would be temporary,

prices are still going up.

Over the past year, food is up 10.4%,
electricity is up 13.7%,

and gasoline is up 59.9%.

So, to be honest,

it's a good idea to start making your
gasoline at home in the morning

instead of getting an expensive
cup of it on your way to work.

And in some cases, companies
have tried to hide inflation

by keeping their prices the same,

but reducing the size of their
products. It's called shrinkflation.

And news outlets love
to cover this,

usually with the help of what seems
to be the one go-to expert on the topic.

There's almost no category of product
except eggs, maybe,

that hasn't been downsized
over the past years.

Consumer advocate Ed Dworsky
is publisher of mouse-print-dot-org.

Crest 3D White went from 4.1 ounces
to 3.8 ounces.

Apple Cinnamon Cheerios went
from 20.1 ounces

to 19 ounces.

It's still called "family size".
The family must've gotten smaller.

Here you've got
two bottles of Gatorade

and these have just changed
in the past few months.

This one is the old 32-ounce one.
This one is four ounces less.

They said they made it easier
to grip, you know.

Give me a break.

Yeah! You tell 'em, Ed!

I love everything about that man,

from his website,

which is somehow not
an online literary journal

for writers who happen to be rodents,

to his electrifying
delivery of the word "eggs",

to his utter refusal to tolerate even
the slightest amount of bullshit

from Gatorade.

But whether it's inflation,

or meatflation, rising prices
are clearly a problem.

Although hourly earnings were up
5.1% over the past year,

overall wages fell by 3.6%

when adjusted for inflation.

And for those on fixed incomes
or tight budgets,

like students and retirees, inflation
is especially difficult to handle,

and can amount to a life overhaul.

Patti Byther just unretired and
got ready for her new part-time job.

I thought I was done.

I had worked it all out financially
that, you know, I could afford it.

With prices soaring,
her retirement lasted 10 months.

These are my fuel bills.

In 13 months, it went up 150 dollars.

Correct. My safety net is just gone.

When do you
see yourself retiring for real?

I don't really see a time when
I'll be able to retire again,

or entirely again, which is sort
of annoying and sad.

Yeah. That is putting it lightly!

It must be so frustrating to retire,
think you're done,

and then have to go back to work.

That is the absolute worst-case
scenario of retirement,

other than, of course,
moving to Florida.

So, given that it is hurting so many
people right now,

tonight, let's examine inflation,

what caused it, what
we've done to address it so far,

and what could happen next.

And let's start with how exactly
we got here.

Because you've probably heard
a lot of explanations flying around.

This is Biden-flation,
a 39-year high created by Joe Biden.

Make no mistake. Inflation
is largely the fault of Putin.

The supply chain is the catalyst
at the end of the day.

Inflation is not caused
by the Build Back Better

or the bipartisan bill.
It's caused by corporate greed.

Yeah, there has been a flurry
of finger pointing,

with many tending to place the blame
on whatever they were already mad at,

with some Democrats blaming
corporate greed,

Republicans blaming Joe Biden,
Biden blaming Putin,

and your dog presumably blaming
the vacuum cleaner.

And here is the interesting thing.
Aside from the dog,

they're probably all
at least a little bit right,

because the truth is,
there is no one cause of inflation.

At the best of times, it involves
a multitude of factors,

and the situation
that we're in right now

has been an unprecedented
perfect storm.

And to understand that storm,
it might actually help to pause

for a moment to talk about
the mechanics of inflation.

Very basically, it happens whenever
there is too much demand

for too little supply.

If people
have lots of money to spend,

they usually want to buy more stuff.

But if there is not enough stuff
to go around,

then the price of that stuff goes up.

I'll give you an example. Let's say that
every single person in America

suddenly wins the lottery,

and everyone now has
40 million dollars to spend.

What are they going to do?

Well, I would assume that
they'd do what I would,

which is immediately buy

this 1 500 dollar emerald patina
fountain statue

of a frog spreading its unnaturally
long legs

in a manner that seems offensive,
but I'm not exactly sure to who.

Now, by the way, the frog comes
in two sizes, "large" and "giant".

Now, obviously,
if you win the lottery,

you are springing for the giant one.

But there are currently
only three of them left in stock.

So, the statues are likely
to get more expensive,

because everyone
suddenly wants one,

as they all have
more money to spend,

but there are only three left.

Basically, high demand,
not enough supply,

and that's how we get frog-flation.

So, too much money chasing
a limited supply of goods

can lead to inflation.

And some on the right have seized
on the "too much money" part

to suggest that inflation
is really just down to one thing.

When you put 6 trillion dollars
of fiscal stimulus into the economy

as President Biden
and Democrats did last year,

you're going to end up
with big time inflation.

The March stimulus package
literally manufactured inflation.

This inflation is caused
by Democrat policies.

It didn't just happen.

This is the Democrat tax
on the middle class.

That is some pretty heavy fire there.

Calling something a "tax on the middle
class" is one of the best ways

to make it look bad,
just after calling it

"a close associate
of Prince Andrew".

Blaming Biden's
stimulus package has become

a common refrain on the
right when discussing inflation.

And the reality is, there is
a kernel of truth to it.

Thanks to the pandemic-era
stimulus bills,

people did have more cash on hand.

But that is not the only reason.

As strange as it sounds, many people
saved money during the early days

of the pandemic, simply because
we were all stuck at home.

By one estimate,
households actually accumulated

two and a half trillion dollars in
excess savings during the pandemic.

And to the extent that people
were spending money,

it mostly wasn't on services like
flights or hotels or restaurants.

Instead, it went to goods like
furniture, appliances,

or some steamy watercolor rat erotica.

I'm just describing what most
people did in 2020.

And what's more, the notion that
our economy would be fine

if not for Biden's stimulus,

completely ignores what it
would've looked like without it.

Because it not only protected
low-income workers,

who were in real trouble,

it also helped us avoid a Covid
induced financial crisis.

And while, with hindsight,
most economists would say

that we could have made it
more targeted and precise,

so that we didn't increase the money
supply any more than we had to,

it is very important to note that,
according to one estimate,

without the American Rescue Plan,

the economy would
have come close to suffering

a double-digit recession
in the spring of 2021.

So, two things are likely true here:

the government stimulus
did contribute to inflation,

but it was also
a necessary intervention.

And the much bigger point is,

inflation clearly isn't just about
the stimulus at all.

After all, it's not just a problem here
in the US.

Britain and Germany have seen inflation
rates hit four decade highs,

and in seven Eastern European

it's now expected to surge
past double digits.

And in Japan, it's had particularly
dramatic consequences.

We're at an aquarium in Hakone.

The effects of inflation
can be felt here, too.

With the rising price of feed,

they've chosen to use
the cheaper mackerel.

How are the penguins reacting
to the new feed?

It doesn't want the mackerel.

She tries to coax it to eat.

You don't want it?

The penguin doesn't like it.

No. No, it does not.
And I do not blame it.

I love absolutely everything about that.

My new favorite
genre of news segment is now

"footage of what appears to be a large,
flightless bird being a massive bitch",

which, now that I say it out loud, would
be a pretty accurate title for the show.

But also, demand is only one side
of this equation.

The other side is supply.
And to quote my therapist,

"Let's come back to that frog
spreading its legs statue."

Because in that scenario where
everyone won the lottery,

if there happened to be enough
frog statues for everyone to buy,

then there wouldn't be any imbalance
between supply and demand.

And prices would remain stable.

But remember: there are only three
giant statues left in stock.

And if for whatever reason,
they can't make any more,

the price of the remaining statues
will then go up.

Especially because there aren't
actually three of them left anymore.

'Cause I have one,
and it's right over here.

Look at my beautiful frog statue!

And crucially,
crucially, what that means is,

there are now only two
of the frog statues left.

Except, to be honest,
there aren't two,

because I have another one as well,
and it's right over there!

Look at my second frog statue!
What an absolutely perfect pair!

And what that means is that
the last remaining frog statue

is gonna be worth an absolute
fortune, which to be honest,

is very good news for me,

'cause I did get that one as well.
Here it is! I'm rich!

I've got all the frogs!

I've cornered the frog statue market!

I am good at business!

But look, the larger macroeconomic
point that I'm making is,

demand is certainly a factor,

but a smaller supply
also leads to inflation.

And generally speaking,

we've had diminished and disrupted
supplies of a lot of consumer goods,

primarily because,
thanks to Covid,

factories overseas have been shut
or have slowed down considerably.

Take, for instance, bicycles.

There has been a massive bike
shortage over the last couple of years,

thanks in large part to lockdowns
and slowdowns disrupting

bike production in China,

where roughly 90% of all bikes sold
in the US are produced.

demand for bikes soared

as shoppers tried to stay
active during lockdowns.

Meaning that just a few months
into the pandemic,

we were already seeing
stories like this.

Bike shops across the country now
seeing skyrocketing demand

and supplies dwindling.
In Albuquerque, New Mexico?

This is actually the only one
we have right at the moment.

And in New York City?

Have you ever seen a bike
shortage like this before?

No, never.

I'm selling way more pink and purple
to guys

because they're just like, "whatever,
doesn't matter what color it is".

"It is what it is. It's a bike."

It's true. The bike shortage even
broke down gender stereotypes!

But interestingly,
while pink and purple bikes attracted

a new male demographic,

penny-farthing bikes maintained
their traditional customer base,

fancy mustachioed perverts.

All of which helps explain why,
last year,

the average retail price
of bike products was up 43%

compared to 2019.

Which means essentially one thing:

if you are the sort of person
who stayed active

and exercised during lockdown,
inflation is your fault,

and you're a terrible, terrible person.

The point is, inflation truly was
a perfect storm going into the year,

and it seems like everything
that's happened since then

has only made it worse.

When Biden said "inflation is largely
the fault of Putin",

that is clearly not true.

Inflation was happening before Putin
even invaded Ukraine,

so that's just not how time works.

What is true, though, is that Putin
definitely exacerbated the problem.

The invasion of Ukraine greatly
impacted food and fuel prices,

as the world cut off its oil
purchases from Russia,

driving gas prices,
which were already rising,

up to outrageous levels, perhaps
best summed up by this guy.

Bruh, I just got a brand-new car.
My first car.

Now I see what you
motherfuckers are talking about

with these gas prices.
My shit was on empty.

I put 20 bucks in the fucking tank.
Look at this shit!

What the fuck? This is what
20 fucking dollars gets me?

Are you fucking kidding me?!

If I had to bet, I'd say 80% of a gas
station employee's job right now

is to talk people down
from exactly this situation.

The other 20% is, as always,
tracking down

some of the bluest drinks
you've ever seen.

Now, is it a good idea to sell those
in the same store

where you sell antifreeze?
Not for me to say.

So, Putin invading Ukraine
didn't start this inflationary cycle,

but it is making it worse.

And the same can be said
of corporate greed.

It is absolutely true that some
companies are taking advantage

of this environment to drive up prices,

and they're getting record profits
in return. And that is infuriating.

But most economists will tell you,

that's not what caused inflation
in the first place.

It's not like corporations only
just got greedy in the last two years.

Companies will shamelessly profiteer

the exact same way that a dog
will make an absolute meal

out of its own ball sack,
if left to its own devices,

that's unfortunately just
what it's going to do.

So, to recap, rising prices are due
to a ton of factors,

a pandemic, a stimulus,
changed spending patterns,

supply chain issues, the war
in Ukraine, to name just a few.

And anyone loudly saying
that one thing is the cause

of inflation is either lying
or has absolutely no idea

what they're talking about.

Whichever combination of things
got us into this mess,

the entity that many are looking
to to get us out of it

is the Federal Reserve.

One of its key duties is to keep an eye
out for things that can destabilize

the economy, like inflation,

and control it by raising
and lowering interest rates.

Very basically, the Fed can increase
how much it costs for banks

to borrow money,

a cost that they then pass along
to businesses and consumers,

through higher rates on things
like mortgages and credit cards.

And the higher the interest rates,

the less inclined people
and businesses will be to borrow,

and the more inclined
they'll be to save.

The Fed can indirectly influence
how much people are spending.

So, when it comes to the demand
side of the economy,

they have some real power here.

And the fact is,
in this current crisis,

it did arguably take too long
for the Fed to raise interest rates.

That's something that
its chairman, Jerome Powell,

basically admitted at
a congressional hearing in March.

Just listen to him explain
that the Fed initially saw early signs

of inflation as being due to a temporary
supply shock

that would simply resolve itself.

What the textbook says is
the shock's going to come

and it's going to go,
and you shouldn't react to it.

Hindsight says we should have
moved earlier,

and that turned out to be wrong.
Not maybe conceptually wrong.

But it's just taking so much longer for
the supply side to heal than we thought.

Yeah, he's right. The standard textbook
of economics says

that if there is a supply shock,
you let it resolve itself organically.

Unfortunately, and in fairness
to the Fed,

the pandemic
was totally unprecedented,

so the standard textbook
just didn't apply.

In fact, the only textbook applicable
to this situation was:

"Fuck, Fuck, the Whole World
Shut Down!"

"What Do We Do?
God! Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!"

And it's not like the Fed was
alone in calling this wrong.

Most economists thought
inflation would go away on its own.

And some of the loudest voices
on Wall Street were arguing

against the Fed raising interest rates,

because they, too, thought that
inflation would be transitory.

For instance, here's Jim Cramer,
the answer to the question,

"What if a garbage can full of cocaine
and business school pamphlets"

"wished to be a real boy?"

making that very argument
in November of last year.

I don't think Powell needs to slam
the brakes on the economy.

Despite what you hear from
the inflationistas in the media,

the weight of the evidence
is finally going Powell's way.

Team transitory is going to win!
I say stop freaking about inflation.

Setting aside the fact that he's
speaking with an intensity level

best described as "Patti LuPone
admonishing a rude audience member",

it's pretty clear that this clip,
much like Jim Cramer himself,

has not aged very well.

Because here he was just six months
later, doing a full 180,

with a very different tone.

I think that Powell may not understand.
We gotta break this,

we've gotta break it now,

because this was the week
we realized that it is just inflamed

and it is not going away.

I was shocked.

I just didn't know that it was
as bad as it is. It's in every aisle.

The inflation's in every aisle.

That was a pretty dramatic turnaround.

He went from loudly unconcerned
about rising prices

to full-blown inflationista
in a matter of months.

What exactly is going on
with this expression right here?

That is not the face you make when
you're concerned about inflation.

That's the face you make when
you're watching a giraffe give birth.

The fact is, a lot of smart people,
and Jim Cramer,

read this situation wrong.

And there isn't really a roadmap
for what to do next.

As one Wall Street Journal columnist
has said,

"Economic models that worked
for decades broke down"

"during the pandemic, and alternatives
have yet to emerge."

Now, one thing that would really help
is if we knew the extent to which

this is a supply
or a demand problem.

If it's more about too much money
or not enough stuff.

Because if it is too much money,
the Fed can impact that pretty easily.

What they'd want to do is raise
interest rates significantly enough

to curb spending and slow growth,

but not so aggressively that it would
then trigger a painful recession.

But if it's about not
enough stuff instead,

if the major issues are things
like supply chain disruptions,

the effect the Fed can have
is drastically reduced.

Because the Fed can't stop the war
in Ukraine,

or open factories in China
that are closed due to Covid.

I suppose Jerome Powell could lead
an army of economists into Luhansk,

but I'm not sure anyone wants
to see that,

and historically, that hasn't
been the Fed's role.

So, the question of whether inflation
is caused more by supply

or demand basically determines
how much influence

the Fed has to improve things.

Unfortunately, even economists
don't really agree

on which is the bigger driver here.

Meaning the truth is inflation
may not be fully within our control.

Which isn't to say that Biden hasn't
been out there promising to combat it

and showing empathy
for Americans who are struggling,

sometimes in the
weirdest way possible.

I want every American to know that
I'm taking inflation very seriously,

and it's my top domestic priority.

I know you gotta be frustrated.
I know. I can taste it.

No, no, no, no, no!
Never say that again!

That may have been the single grossest
thing I've ever heard come out

of Joe Biden's mouth,
and that is saying a lot,

cause I've heard the stuff
he used to say in the 1970s.

But to be fair, I do get why
Biden is taking this approach.

Americans view inflation
as the top problem facing the US

ahead of the midterm elections,

ahead of every other calamity facing
the country, including Ezra Miller.

And there is an argument
for trying to raise public confidence.

Once an inflationary cycle starts,

simply the expectation of it
can keep inflation going.

For instance,
as the cost of living rises,

workers might demand
higher wages to cover that,

which in turn, raises the cost of labor,

leading businesses
to charge higher prices,

leading to still more inflation.
It's basically a vicious cycle.

That is why the worse
our inflation expectations are,

the worse it can get.

And that may help
explain why the Fed,

albeit late,
is now taking some big steps.

It recently enacted the biggest increase
to interest rates since 1994.

And it's all but certain that
it'll raise them again next week.

Meanwhile, Jerome Powell has been
trying to reassure people

that the Fed has things under control,

although he has also notably
gone from talking about

trying to engineer a soft landing
for the economy,

to something slightly different.

So, I would say there are a number
of plausible paths

to having a soft or, as I've said,
soft-ish landing.

So, we're aiming for a soft-ish
landing now, are we, Jerome?

The thing is, "ish" isn't
exactly the most reassuring suffix

to hear when you're discussing
something so serious.

There is a huge difference
between a surgeon telling you,

"The surgery went well",
and, "It went well-ish".

I don't know where things are
going to go from here, exactly.

I am not a monetary policy wonk,

even though my clothing, glasses,

and general vibe
would strongly beg to differ.

Although, for what it's worth,

there have been some small
encouraging developments recently,

among other things, gas prices
have been dropping,

and long-term inflation
expectations recently ticked down

after the Fed's intervention.

Most economists now expect
this wave of inflation to pass

in a year or 18 months,

although that is
by no means certain,

and importantly, that's an incredibly
long time for those suffering the most.

Because for all of our discussion
tonight of supply and demand curves,

it is really important to
remember that inflation's effects

are anything but abstract for those
that it's hitting the hardest,

like this woman, describing
shopping with her kids.

They see it when I'm in line
and I'm like calculating in my head

and looking at my groceries.

I have my calculator out,
like, doing the tax.

What is this going to come to?

Or I'm putting things back
as we get closer in line.

And my oldest daughter is, like,
looking at me

and then she's putting something back.

It breaks your heart a little bit.

Of course. Kids shouldn't have
to worry about putting food

back on the shelves because
they can't afford it.

Kids should do what they
are meant to at the grocery store,

go over to the big bin of rubber balls
that are inexplicably sold there

and cause absolute mayhem.

So, the next year is likely to be very
hard for a lot of people.

Which is why what we should definitely
be doing right now is helping them.

One of the best ways to
help low-income families

would be to pass a refundable
child tax credit

for those who need it. And I know
that that might be hard,

especially in an atmosphere where
government spending

is being blamed for fueling inflation.

But it could be narrowly targeted,

while also fully offset with
higher taxes on higher earners.

We could also expand
rental assistance,

something that economists say would
have a minimal impact

on driving inflation further up, while
also keeping people in their homes.

Look, things are obviously
pretty bad right now.

Families are struggling,
penguins are pissed,

and Jim Cramer looks like
he just shit himself.

And there is still
a lot of uncertainty here.

But there are also two things
that we do know for sure.

One, it's going to take a difficult
combination of monetary policy,

supply chain recovery, and time

to bring supply
and demand back into alignment.

And two, that if everyone does win
the lottery in the future,

and does suddenly want
some frog statues,

I just made the smartest investment
of all time.

I am the Warren Buffett
of frogs! And now, this.

And Now: Local News Reacts to the
Consequences of Global Warming

Exactly As Expected.

As hip-hop sensation Nelly once said,

"It's hot in, so hot in here."
But just how hot is it, Elizabeth?

It is so hot outside, Karsen,
how hot is it?

It's so hot I bought a loaf of bread,
Chase, before I got home, it was toast!

It is so hot, I saw a dog chasing a cat,
and they were both walking.

It's so hot, yesterday,
I saw the devil sitting by the AC.

How hot is it?

I almost called my ex-girlfriend just
so I could be around something shady.

How hot is it gonna be, Mark?

I think I'm going to see
a chicken lay an omelet.

My ex-girlfriend's heart is melting.

Adam and Eve are gonna trade
their fig leaves for ice cubes.

- London is so hot?
- How hot is it?

They're canceling flights today.

And he says they're doing better
in Spain,

where it's 90 degrees today.

Yesterday, he said it was 97,
humidity around 100%.

Moving on. Before we go,

a quick update on something that
we mentioned during the break.

Specifically, dolls.

The single weirdest thing to bring
to a job interview.

"I went to UNC,
but Liliana went to Tulane."

Over the July Fourth weekend,
we released a web piece

about the fact that certain creepy dolls
have been washing up

on a particular stretch of beach
in Texas.

And each one of them is a legitimate
horror show,

from Green Pirate Baby,
to Nightmare Ghoul Baby,

to Barnacle Baby One, Two,
and Three.

Honestly, I now see these demons

In the mirror?
Suddenly, there's a doll behind me.

In the stunning, humbling images from
the James Webb space telescope

another doll.

I'm 45 years old. I've encountered
a wide breadth of emotions.

But not until I saw these
things did I experience

the feeling of being hunted.

And I will say, it seems like the local
news in Texas did appreciate

us giving their plight some attention.

This is a little creepy. It's happening
along the beaches in South Texas.

And while, you know,
anything can wash up on shore,

these dolls are really
turning heads.

Recently, the trend caught the eye
of HBO's John Oliver,

who offered up his own solution
for what he calls the demon dolls.

Burn them! Burn them now!

Yeah, I said that, and you know
what? I stand by that sentiment.

Our idea wasn't just that the dolls
should be burned.

It's that the coastal reserve
that keeps finding them

should sell them to us
and allow us to find

an appropriate way to dispose of them.

So, we offered 10 000 dollars
to their turtle hospital

if they sent us every remaining plastic
beast that they had.

And apparently,
they got the message.

If I sent him all the dolls that I have,

they were gonna donate
10 000 dollars,

and then they were gonna
destroy all the dolls.

And I thought, "That sounds
really good to me".

The Amos Rehabilitation Keep
that rehabs the sea turtles,

they're pretty much run
on donations from the community,

so 10 000 dollars can go
a long way

and save hundreds of sea
turtles, so I'm all about that.

Me too! Sure, yeah, totally.

I like sea turtles.
I think they're fun, round little guys.

But was that my main objective here?
No. Of course it fucking wasn't.

This was mainly about saving
the planet from the heinous scourge

of these plastic beach demons.

Anyway, we began
a correspondence with that man,

including, at one point, him sending us
this photo of the available dolls.

Which is really bad. That's just
a really bad way to do things.

A bucket is the single worst place
to keep these dolls,

other than at a hospital in bassinets
right next to real babies.

But we kept up our end of the deal.
We sent the turtle rehab the money,

and in return, they sent us the dolls.

Now, we were actually on break
when that happened,

so one of our staff members had
them shipped directly to her home,

meaning that she had,
where she lives, this box.

And you know what? I take it
back. The bucket was actually fine.

This box is a much worse place
to keep them.

But the fact is, we are now in
possession of this large bucket

full of my worst nightmares.

This may be the single creepiest thing
that has ever been in this building,

which is really saying something

because Charlie Rose used
to work down the hall.

But before we get into what
we are going to do with them,

we actually have
a second quick update for you.

You may remember that we have
another outstanding offer on the table.

Back in June, we discussed
this giant Australian banana,

which was installed in the city
of Yarra, in Melbourne,

as part of a city council project
to slow down traffic.

But it was sadly removed after
someone vandalized it with a saw.

Now, there was some controversy
over the banana,

especially because Yarra apparently
spent 22 000 dollars on it.

So, we offered to buy it for 10 dollars

plus a 10 000 dollar donation
to their local food bank

and a 5 000 dollar donation

to The John Oliver
Koala Chlamydia Ward.

But that's not all.

We also offered our "giant alligator
giving the finger" statue

as a replacement for them.

It was a pretty good deal.
And you should know,

we actually just heard back from Yarra.

Hi, John, I'm Sophie Wade,
the mayor of the city of Yarra,

in Melbourne.

We were thrilled to receive your offer
to provide a home

for our beloved yet
beleaguered banana statue.

After much consideration, however,
we must decline your offer.

Public art is an
investment in local artists,

the community, and the
vibrancy of our streets,

so it shouldn't be privatized
and kept in an office.

Okay, first, I wouldn't call this
"public art" so much as I'd call it

"the final boss in Donkey Kong".

But let's agree to disagree there.
But second,

that was obviously disappointing
for me to hear.

Although she did have
a follow-up suggestion.

We would love to offer your
belligerent alligator a new home

here in Melbourne.

We know you'll be disappointed
about the banana.

Who wouldn't be?

So, as compensation, we will name our
polystyrene recycling machine after you.

It turns trash into treasure,
makes a lot of noise,

and nerds love it.
So, it seems fitting.

We hope our counteroffer
is appealing.

Okay, first, solid burn. Second,
don't particularly care for the pun.

And third, now we're talking!

Because before watching that video,
I didn't realize that I wanted

my name attached to a machine
that vigorously churns out

a substance that looks like
someone just stuffed

Snoopy through a sausage maker.
But it turns out, I want it very badly.

In fact, I now have a counter
to your counteroffer.

Because to be clear, I am not offering
you my alligator statue anymore.

That went off the table as soon
as you denied me the banana.

No banana, no alligator.

But I am still willing to send
10 000 dollars to your food bank,

and 5 000
to the Koala Chlamydia Ward

if you name that recycling machine
after me

and, and this is non-negotiable,

you take this bucket of hellish
dolls and run them

through your machine
to destroy them forever.

I can think of no better way
to rid the world of this menace.

And if you're sad that you're not
getting the alligator, don't worry.

I also have a consolation prize.

Because I will throw in these
three glorious frog statues,

which will only appreciate in value.

You have exactly one week
to get back to us.

I await your response with interest,

That is our show.
Thank you so much for watching.

We'll see you next week.
Good night!