Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 8, Episode 27 - Taiwan - full transcript

WELCOME, WELCOME,

WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"

I'M JOHN OLIVER.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.

JUST TIME FOR A QUICK RECAP OF
THE WEEK, WHICH HAS BEEN BUSY.

THE CDC EXPANDED ELIGIBILITY FOR

BOOSTER SHOTS, THE HOUSE VOTED

TO HOLD STEVE BANNON IN CONTEMPT

OF CONGRESS, AND ADELE WORE THE

SHIT OUT OF THIS HEAD TO TOE

CHOCOLATE LEATHER OUTFIT.



NO ONE'S WORN CHOCOLATE THAT

WELL SINCE AUGUSTUS GLOOP.

THAT'S A FASHION FACT. BUT
WE'RE GOING TO START WITH THIS.

IN POLICE DEPARTMENTS

NATIONWIDE, A CRUSH OF VACCINE

MANDATES ARE A FLASH POINT FOR

OFFICERS FACED WITH ROLLING UP
THEIR SLEEVES OR LOSING THEIR

JOBS.

IN LEESBURG, VIRGINIA, SOME

OFFICERS SAY THEY MAY QUIT IF

THE VACCINE MANDATE MOVES

FORWARD.

IN MASSACHUSETTS, THE STATE

POLICE UNION BELIEVES AT LEAST



150 STATE POLICE OFFICERS WILL

RESIGN.

ONE TROOPER WHO DECIDED TO

QUIT HAD SOME CHOICE WORDS FOR

THE GOVERNOR ON THE WAY OUT.

THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU'LL

HEAR ME IN A STATE PATROL CAR.

AND JAY INSLEE CAN KISS MY ASS.

WOW, A WALKIE DROP!

YOU DON'T SEE MANY OF THOSE!

AND THAT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE IT

LOOKS PATHETIC.

DROPPING A MICROPHONE IS

INHERENTLY EXCITING.

YOU GET THE THUD AS IT HITS THE

FLOOR, AND THE CHEER OF THE

CROWD, BUT A WALKIE DROP?

THAT'S JUST A SAD MAN SITTING IN

A DARK CAR, DROPPING A HEAVY

OBJECT DIRECTLY ONTO HIS PENIS.

BUT IT'S TRUE.

ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, A SMALL

MINORITY OF POLICE OFFICERS HAVE

RECEIVED DISPROPORTIONATE

COVERAGE AFTER THREATENING TO

RESIGN OVER COVID MANDATES.

THEY'VE FRAMED THIS AS A MATTER

OF INDIVIDUAL LIBERTY, EVEN IN

CASES WHERE VERY LITTLE WAS

BEING ASKED OF THEM.

IN CHICAGO, OFFICERS WERE MERELY

ASKED TO REGISTER THEIR

VACCINATION STATUS ON A PORTAL,

AND FOR NOW CAN STILL WORK IF

THEY'RE UNVACCINATED, SO LONG AS

THEY'RE REGULARLY TESTED.

BUT NEVERTHELESS, JOHN

CATANZARA, THE HEAD OF CHICAGO'S

FRATERNAL ORDER OF POLICE, TOLD

HIS OFFICERS FLAT OUT, "DO NOT

COMPLY WITH ANY DIRECT ORDER TO

FILL OUT THE PORTAL, PERIOD."

HE'S ACTUALLY BEEN ESPECIALLY

VOCAL IN HIS OPPOSITION TO

VACCINE MANDATES FOR OFFICERS,

INCLUDING AN OFFENSIVE STATEMENT

THAT I'M NOT GOING TO REPEAT,
I'M JUST GOING TO SHOW YOU HIS

APOLOGY FOR IT, BECAUSE I DO
THINK YOU'LL BE ABLE TO WORK IT

OUT FROM CONTEXT.

IN NO WAY WAS I TRYING TO TIE

FORCED VACCINATIONS TO THE

ATROCITIES OF THE HOLOCAUST,

WHICH IS WHY I NEVER USED THE
WORD HOLOCAUST.

I SHOULD NOT HAVE MADE THE

REFERENCE LIKE I DID TO THE

SHOWERS AND FOR THAT I AM SORRY.

WOW, JUST A BIG YIKES
TO EVERYTHING GOING ON THERE.

SETTING ASIDE THE PRONUNCIATION

OF "HOLE-OCAUST" -- AND BELIEVE

ME, I HAVE NOTHING BUT QUESTIONS

ABOUT THAT -- ARGUING THAT,

"TECHNICALLY I NEVER SAID THE

WORD HOLOCAUST, I JUST

REFERENCED THE SHOWERS" IS
TOTALLY ABSURD.

AND FINALLY -- AND THIS IS
PROBABLY THE LEAST IMPORTANT

THING TO SAY HERE -- AT LEAST

CENTER YOURSELF IN THE FUCKING

FRAME!

IT'S JUST NOT THAT HARD!
A QUICK SCOOTCH OF THE LAPTOP

AND YOU'RE THERE.

AND LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BE IN

THE BUSINESS OF ART DIRECTING

"HOLE-OCAUST" NON-APOLOGIES, BUT

FRANKLY, YOU'VE LEFT ME NO
CHOICE.

AND YOU SHOULD KNOW, EVEN BY THE
SUBTERRANEAN STANDARDS OF THE

CHICAGO PD, THIS GUY IS A LOT.

HE HAS BEEN SUSPENDED EIGHT

TIMES AND HAS RECEIVED MORE

MISCONDUCT COMPLAINTS PER YEAR

OF SERVICE THAN 96% OF HIS

FELLOW CHICAGO OFFICERS.

AND YET, THIS IS WHO HIS UNION

MEMBERS CHOSE TO REPRESENT THEM.

SO NEXT TIME SOMEONE SAYS TO

YOU, "NOT ALL COPS ARE BAD," YOU

CAN RESPOND, "NO, JUST THEIR

FAVORITE ONES!"

AND CATANZARA'S HOSTILITY TO A

VACCINE MANDATE IS PARTICULARLY

NOTEWORTHY GIVEN ONE OF HIS

PREDECESSORS AS HEAD OF THE

UNION DIED OF COVID JUST THIS

MONTH.

WHICH ACTUALLY BRINGS US TO A

STAGGERING FACT.

SINCE THE START OF THE

PANDEMIC, MORE THAN FOUR TIMES

AS MANY OFFICERS HAVE DIED FROM

COVID-19 AS FROM GUNFIRE.

THIS DESPITE BEING AMONG THE

FIRST GROUPS TO HAVE ACCESS TO
SHOW

THE VACCINE. YEAH. FOUR
TIMES MORE POLICE OFFICERS

HAVE DIED FROM COVID THAN
GUNFIRE.

THAT'S A TERRIBLE STATISTIC,

WHICH YOU MIGHT NOT FULLY
ABSORB, GIVEN THAT CNN'S

GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT REPRESENTED
IT WITH ONE BAR THAT'S ONLY

ABOUT TWICE AS BIG AS THE OTHER.

SO WELCOME TO CNN.

IF YOU WANT TO INSTANTLY

UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENT WAYS

POLICE DIE, IT'S GOING TO BE

TRICKY.

BUT IF YOU WANT TO UNDERSTAND

THE ONE WAY A CERTAIN BRITISH

ROYAL DIED, IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY!

9:00 P.M. EASTERN, SUNDAY

NIGHTS.

THOUGH NO NEED TO WATCH.

SPOILER ALERT, IT WAS THE

MOTHER-IN-LAW.

THERE'S ALSO THE KEY MATTER OF

THE FACT THAT THE POLICE ARE

SUPPOSED TO BE KEEPING THE

PUBLIC SAFE.

THAT'S THE POINT OF THEIR JOBS.

YET SOME DON'T SEEM TO GIVE MUCH

OF A SHIT ABOUT THAT.

TAKE THIS VIDEO OF NYPD OFFICERS

FLIPPING OUT OVER A SUBWAY RIDER

WHO SIMPLY ASKED THEM TO PUT ON

A MASK.

CELL PHONE VIDEO TAKEN

TUESDAY MORNING SHOWS AN

UNMASKED NYPD OFFICER PUSHING A

MASKED COMMUTER OUT OF THE 8TH

STREET SUBWAY STATION AND

CLOSING THE EMERGENCY EXIT DOOR.

AS THE COP WALKS AWAY, HE SAYS.

YOU'RE BEING DISRUPTIVE.

OKAY, FIRST, YOU OPENED

THE EMERGENCY DOOR?

OH, NO!

EVERYONE IN NEW YORK KNOWS YOU

CAN'T OPEN THE EMERGENCY DOOR!

NOT UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY!

ALSO, DISRUPTIVE?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON THE

SUBWAY?

YOU KNOW, THE BIG METAL WORM

THAT SCREAMS?

THE PLACE WHERE EVERY DAY, YOU

SEE THE BIGGEST RAT TO EVER WALK

THE EARTH AND THEN YOU JUST GO

TO WORK LIKE IT'S NOTHING?

YOU'RE IN DISRUPTION JUNCTION,

BABY.

IT'S ALSO WORTH REMEMBERING THAT

NEW YORK STILL HAS A MASK

MANDATE ON PUBLIC TRANSIT, AND

ANYONE CAUGHT WITHOUT ONE RISKS

A $50 FINE -- EXCEPT,

APPARENTLY, THE COPS.

AND THIS ALL SUMS UP THE

AMERICAN POLICE PROBLEM IN

MINIATURE.

THE CONSTANT REFRAIN WE HEAR

FROM COPS EVERY TIME THEY KILL

AN UNARMED BLACK PERSON IS "THEY

SHOULD HAVE COMPLIED WITH

COMMANDS," BECAUSE AS LONG AS

YOU COMPLY, THINGS WILL

SUPPOSEDLY GO WELL.

BUT THAT ONLY SEEMS TO WORK ONE

WAY.

BECAUSE WHEN OFFICERS ARE ASKED

TO FOLLOW SIMPLE RULES OR FACE

CONSEQUENCES, A NOT

INSIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF THEM

FLIP THEIR SHIT.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF AN OFFICER WANTS TO QUIT OVER

THIS, FUCKING LET THEM.

LET THE INDIVIDUALS WHO CLEARLY

DON'T CARE ABOUT PUBLIC SAFETY
STOP BEING IN CHARGE OF PUBLIC SAFETY.

IT IS REALLY THAT SIMPLE.

AND, BY THE WAY, THAT IS A

MOTHERFUCKING WALKIE
DROP. OW. AND NOW THIS.

AND NOW, THE WEATHER

CHANNEL'S GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT IS

STILL NOT FUCKING AROUND.

LET'S TAKE THIS CAR INTO

AUGMENTED REALITY AND TALK ABOUT

HOW THE WEATHER IMPACTS YOUR
TRAVEL.

YOU TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF LIKE

THAT TO GET TO YOUR SPOT.

BEING CLOSE TO A RAGING

WILDFIRE LIKE THIS ONE IS A

TERRIFYING EXPERIENCE.

YOU CAN SEE LARGE OBJECTS, A

TRUCK RIGHT HERE.

THOSE SNOWMOBILES CAN REALLY
PICK UP SPEED.

WAS AS A TRULY

LIFE-THREATENING.
THIS IS AN SUV.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING, A

BUS?

I HOPE THIS BUS STOPS.

YOU MIGHT GET CAUGHT

OFF GUARD.

TREES AND STARTED TO COME
DOWN.

WHAT'S THAT?

THAT'S THE MAGIC TOP HAT.

THE SCENE WITH THE FOG IS

GETTING PRETTY SPOOKY.

WATCH OUT, HE IS COMING FOR YOU.

WHERE IS MY BROOM?

THIS WHICH IS OUT OF HERE.

MOVING ON. OUR MAIN STORY
TONIGHT CONCERNS TAIWAN.

IT'S HONESTLY REMARKABLE THAT WE
HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT TAIWAN

BEFORE ON THIS SHOW GIVEN IT'S
THE BIRTHPLACE OF BUBBLE TEA,

WHICH IS DELICIOUS, EVEN THOUGH
TAPIOCA BALLS SOUNDS LIKE A SEX

MOVE FOR PEOPLE OVER 70, AND

ESPECIALLY SINCE TAIWAN SHARES

OUR UNHEALTHY OBSESSION WITH

MASCOTS, CITIES THERE MAKE TONS

OF THEM.

THERE'S THIS ONE, THE MILKFISH

KID, CELEBRATING ONE AREA'S

MILKFISH PRODUCTION.

AND THERE'S THIS ONE, FROM A

REGION THAT PRODUCES BANANAS,

WHICH I DO NOT WANT TO TALK

ABOUT.

IN FACT, TAIWAN MAKES SO MANY

MASCOTS THAT IN SOME CITIES, THE

VERY ACT OF STORING THEM HAS

BECOME A PROBLEM.

WE WENT WITH THE CITY

COUNCILOR TO A TAIPEI PUBLIC

SCHOOL FOLLOWING HER INTO THE

DEPTHS OF A BASEMENT PARKING

LOT.

HERE BEHIND A DOOR, WE

DISCOVERED A MOUNTAIN OF

ABANDONED MASCOTS.

THIS IS SACRED FIRE BABY FROM

2013 NATIONAL GAMES HELD IN

TAIPEI.

THE CITY GOVERNMENT SHOULD

REALLY THINK ABOUT WHETHER IT'S

NECESSARY TO KEEP CREATING

ONE-OFF MASCOTS.

OH, COME ON.

YOU CAN'T JUST KEEP MAKING

MASCOTS AND THROWING THEM AWAY.

THANKFULLY, AT THE END OF EACH

OF OUR SEASONS, OUR MASCOTS GO

TO LIVE ON A BEAUTIFUL FARM.

A FANTASTIC GREEN FARM, WHERE

JEFF THE DISEASED LUNG CAN

BREATHE FRESH AIR, AND THE POLAR

BEAR WITH A BROKEN PENIS CAN GET

THE CARE HE SO BADLY NEEDS.

I KEEP ASKING MY PRODUCER WHERE

THIS FARM IS, AND SHE KEEPS

SAYING, "I'LL TELL YOU WHEN

YOU'RE OLDER."

I CAN'T WAIT!

BUT OBVIOUSLY, THE MAJOR REASON

TAIWAN ENDS UP IN THE NEWS THESE

DAYS IS BECAUSE OF ITS

RELATIONSHIP WITH CHINA, WHICH,

TO PUT IT MILDLY, IS FRAUGHT.

AND RECENTLY, GETTING EVEN

FRAUGHTER.

CHINA HAS LONG VIEWED TAIWAN

AS ITS OWN NATIONAL TERRITORY.

CHINA'S PRESIDENT, XI JINPING,

ON SATURDAY ALL BUT DECLARING IT

POLICY.

"THE COMPLETE REUNIFICATION OF

OUR COUNTRY MUST BE AND WILL BE

REALIZED," HE SAID.

MILITARY TENSIONS BETWEEN THE

TWO SIDES ARE SOARING.

CHINA'S AIR FORCE SENT NEARLY

150 PLANES INTO TAIWAN'S AIR

DEFENSE ZONE SINCE THE START OF

THIS MONTH.

YEAH.

THEY DID.

NOT EXACTLY LIKE THAT, THOUGH,

IN A BIG STACK.

I'M PRESUMING THEY FLEW THE

PLANES OUT ONE AT A TIME, NOT

HEAPED ON TOP OF EACH OTHER LIKE

AN AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER'S

NIGHTMARE.

THE POINT IS, CHINA INSISTS THAT

TAIWAN, AN INDEPENDENTLY

OPERATING ENTITY WITH ITS OWN

DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED LEADERS,

ARMED FORCES, AND CONSTITUTION,

IS ACTUALLY PART OF CHINA, AND

IN NO WAY A SEPARATE COUNTRY.

HERE'S AN UNDERSTATEMENT.

THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT FEELS

STRONGLY ABOUT THIS.

SO STRONGLY, IN FACT, THAT WHEN

JOHN CENA WENT ON A PRESS TOUR

FOR THE MOST RECENT "FAST &

FURIOUS" MOVIE AND SAID TAIWAN

IS THE FIRST "COUNTRY" THAT CAN

WATCH "F9," THIS IS WHAT

HAPPENED NEXT.

ACTOR JOHN CENA HAS

APOLOGIZED TO CHINA AFTER HE

CALLED TAIWAN A COUNTRY.

EVERY PART OF THAT IS

SO WEIRD.

IT'S WEIRD JOHN CENA APOLOGIZED

TO CHINA.

IT'S WEIRD HE DID IT FOR CALLING

TAIWAN A "COUNTRY."

AND IT'S WEIRD TO SEE HIM DO IT

IN PRETTY DECENT MANDARIN.

THAT'S JUST TOO MANY WEIRD

THINGS!

I HALF EXPECT THAT SHOT TO PAN

OUT TO REVEAL HE'S ALSO DOING A

NEEDLEPOINT OF LIAM NEESON

KISSING AN OSTRICH.

HONESTLY, IT WOULD ONLY MAKE IT

SLIGHTLY STRANGER.

BUT JOHN CENA ISN'T ALONE.

TAIWAN IS SUCH A THIRD RAIL FOR

CHINA THAT IT MAY BE WHY

PARAMOUNT PICTURES REMOVED THE

TAIWANESE FLAG FROM TOM CRUISE'S

JACKET FOR THE "TOP GUN" SEQUEL,

AND IT'S DEFINITELY WHY THE GAP

APOLOGIZED FOR RELEASING THIS

T-SHIRT FEATURING A MAP OF CHINA

WITHOUT TAIWAN ATTACHED.

THAT SHIRT CAUSED A SHITSTORM,

AND IT LED TO THE GAP, MAKERS OF

THE T-SHIRT DADS WEAR WHILE

THEY'RE ON THE ELLIPTICAL FOR

30 MINUTES, APOLOGIZING TO 1.4

BILLION PEOPLE.

SO IF CHINA IS GETTING T-SHIRT

RETRACTIONS FROM THE GAP, LOUDLY

VOWING TO REUNIFY WITH TAIWAN

AND SENDING STACKS OF WAR PLANES

TOWARDS IT IN RECORD-BREAKING

NUMBERS, IT FEELS LIKE TONIGHT,

IT'D BE WORTH TAKING A LOOK AT

TAIWAN, HOW IT GOT TO BE IN THE

UNIQUE POSITION IT'S IN, WHAT

THE WORLD WANTS FROM IT, AND

MOST IMPORTANTLY, WHAT IT WANTS

FOR ITSELF.

AND LET'S START WITH HOW WE GOT

HERE.

HISTORICALLY, TAIWAN HAS BEEN

LIKE THE STANLEY CUP OF ASIAN

HISTORY, IN THAT DIFFERENT

PEOPLE KEEP PASSING IT AROUND

AND CARVING THEIR NAMES ON IT.

HERE'S A LUDICROUSLY BRIEF

HISTORY OF THE LAST 400 YEARS

THERE.

TAIWAN, OR AS IT'S SOMETIMES

BEEN CALLED, "FORMOSA," WAS

FIRST HOME TO INDIGENOUS PEOPLE,

THEN COLONIZED BY THE DUTCH, AND

BRIEFLY THE SPANISH, BEFORE

CHINA'S QING DYNASTY HELD IT FOR

ABOUT 200 YEARS.

THEN, IN 1895, CHINA LOST TAIWAN

TO JAPAN, WHICH TURNED IT INTO A

SO-CALLED "MODEL COLONY,"

IMPOSING JAPANESE CULTURAL

VALUES, AND GENERALLY RULING IT

WITH AN IRON FIST.

THEN, AFTER WORLD WAR II, TWO

MAJOR THINGS HAPPENED.

FIRST, THE ALLIES PUT TAIWAN

BACK UNDER CHINESE CONTROL.

AND SECOND, THE CIVIL WAR THAT

WAS TAKING PLACE IN CHINA

BETWEEN THE NATIONALIST

GOVERNMENT LED BY CHIANG

KAI-SHEK AND THE COMMUNISTS, LED

BY MAO ZEDONG, ENDED.

SPOILER ALERT, THE COMMUNISTS

WON.

CONGRATULATIONS TO MAO.

AND IN THE WAKE OF THAT DEFEAT,

CHIANG KAI-SHEK FLED TO TAIWAN,

ALONG WITH 2 MILLION NATIONALIST

SOLDIERS AND REFUGEES, BASICALLY

SETTING UP A CHINESE GOVERNMENT

IN EXILE.

MEANING CHINA TECHNICALLY HAD

TWO GOVERNMENTS AT THE TIME, ONE

IN CHINA, AND ONE IN TAIWAN.

AND WESTERN COUNTRIES WERE VERY

INVESTED IN THE SUCCESS OF THE

SECOND ONE, EVEN CALLING TAIWAN

"FREE CHINA," BECAUSE THEY SAW

IT AS A NECESSARY BULWARK

AGAINST COMMUNISM.

AGAINST ALL PROPHECIES,

FORMOSA STILL KEEPS THE

ANTI-COMMUNIST FLAG FLYING ONLY

100 MILES OR SO OFF THE MAINLAND

OF CHINA.

IT'S A PROSPEROUS ISLAND WHERE

THE NEW GENERATIONS GROW UP IN

FREEDOM.

A COMPLETE CONTRAST TO

CONDITIONS UNDER THE RULE OF MAO

TSE-TUNG.

I DO MISS THAT PERIOD

OF HUMAN HISTORY WHERE THE ONLY

WAY TO LEARN ABOUT OTHER

CULTURES WAS TO HAVE A BRITISH

MAN ON AMPHETAMINES TELL YOU

WHICH WERE THE GOOD ONES AND

WHICH WERE THE BADDIES.

"HERE WE SEE FORMOSANS LIVING IN

FREEDOM.

WELL, NOT FREEDOM PER SE, BUT

THE POINT IS, THEY'RE NOT

COMMIES, AND THAT'S WHERE MY

CURIOSITY TERMINATES."

BUT WHILE CHIANG KAI-SHEK MIGHT

HAVE BEEN A STAUNCHLY

ANTI-COMMUNIST U.S. ALLY,

HISTORICALLY, WE'VE HAD A LOT OF

THOSE, AND THEY OFTEN HAVEN'T

BEEN GREAT PEOPLE.

AND CHIANG RULED TAIWAN AS A

BRUTAL AUTHORITARIAN.

THOUSANDS WERE SWEPT UP IN A

PERIOD THAT CAME TO BE KNOWN AS

"THE WHITE TERROR," SUFFERING

IMPRISONMENT, TORTURE, EVEN

EXECUTION.

DOING ANYTHING THAT COULD BE

REMOTELY CONSTRUED AS CRITICISM

OF THE GOVERNMENT WAS EXTREMELY

RISKY, AS ONE WRITER DISCOVERED

WHEN HE MERELY TRANSLATED A

POPEYE COMIC STRIP.

POPEYE AND HIS SON WERE IN

EXILE ON AN ISLAND AND THEY WERE

CAMPAIGNING FOR ELECTION THERE.

POPEYE GAVE A SPEECH AND USED AN

ENGLISH WORD, "FELLOWS."

THERE COULD BE HUNDREDS OF

TRANSLATIONS FOR "FELLOWS," BUT

I CHOSE ONE WHICH WAS, "ALL MY

FELLOW COUNTRYMEN."

THIS WAS TERRIBLE.

THE BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION

ARRESTED ME SAYING, "WHY DIDN'T

YOU TRANSLATE IT INTO SOMETHING

ELSE?

THIS IS EXACTLY THE WAY OUR

PRESIDENT CHIANG SPEAKS.

YOU ARE MAKING FUN OF HIM.

IT DESERVES THE DEATH PENALTY,

NO DOUBT, THE DEATH PENALTY."

IT'S TRUE.

THAT GUY WAS INTERROGATED FOR

MONTHS ON SUSPICION OF BEING A

COMMUNIST COLLABORATOR, AND

ULTIMATELY SPENT NINE YEARS IN

PRISON, ALL BECAUSE CHIANG'S

GOVERNMENT THOUGHT A POPEYE

COMIC HAD A HIDDEN POLITICAL

MESSAGE.

WHICH IS A BIT OF A REACH.

THERE IS CLEARLY NO DEEPER

MEANING TO POPEYE COMICS, OTHER

THAN WOMEN ARE INHERENTLY PRIZES

TO BE FOUGHT OVER, PERFORMANCE

ENHANCING DRUGS ARE COOL, AND

BLUTO DOESN'T DESERVE LOVE.

ALL OF WHICH IS TO SAY, IN THE

MIDDLE OF THE LAST CENTURY,

TAIWAN WAS A GRIM PLACE.

BUT AFTER CHIANG DIED IN 1975,

UNDER PRESSURE BOTH

INTERNATIONALLY AND FROM

POLITICAL MOVEMENTS AT HOME, THE

NATIONALISTS BEGAN TO LOOSEN

THEIR GRIP, ENDING MARTIAL LAW

IN THE LATE '80s AND OPENING THE

DOOR TO FULL DEMOCRATIZATION.

SO AGAINST THE ODDS, TAIWAN

SHIFTED FROM A DICTATORSHIP TO A

FUNCTIONING, VIBRANT DEMOCRACY,

AND I DO MEAN VIBRANT.

A DEBATE OVER HOW BILLIONS OF

EUROS WOULD BE ALLOCATED FOR AN

INFRASTRUCTURE DEVELOPMENT PLAN

DESCENDED INTO A BRAWL IN

TAIWAN'S PARLIAMENT ON TUESDAY.

MEMBERS OF THE RULING DEMOCRATIC

PROGRESSIVE PARTY AND THE

OPPOSITION NATIONALISTS PARTY

THREW WATER AND SHOVED EACH

OTHER TO THE FLOOR.

TAIWAN'S MPS ARE KNOWN FOR

BRAWLING AND EVEN THROWING

OBJECTS AT EACH OTHER.

AND FIGHTS IN PARLIAMENT ARE

EVEN SEEN AS ONE WAY FOR THE

OPPOSITION TO SHOW VOTERS THAT

IT STANDS TOUGH ON ISSUES.

YEAH!

FIGHTING IS NOT UNCOMMON IN

TAIWAN'S PARLIAMENT.

HERE THEY ARE THROWING WATER

BALLOONS AT EACH OTHER.

AND HERE THEY ARE HURLING PIG

GUTS DURING A DEBATE ON PORK

IMPORTS.

AND THAT'S NOT ALL.

ONE TIME IN 2006, A MEMBER

SNATCHED A WRITTEN PROPOSAL OF A

BILL AND SHOVED IT INTO HER OWN

MOUTH.

WHICH IS FANTASTIC, AND

DEFINITELY SOMETHING WE SHOULD

STEAL.

YOU WANT TO KILL A CLEAN ENERGY

BILL?

PULL UP A CHAIR AND FUCKING EAT

ALL 900 PAGES OF IT.

BUT TAIWAN ISN'T JUST A

FUNCTIONING DEMOCRACY.

IT'S A MAJOR PLAYER IN THE

GLOBAL SUPPLY CHAIN.

TAIWAN WAS THE FASTEST GROWING

ECONOMY IN ASIA LAST YEAR, AND

IT'S THE WORLD'S KEY

MANUFACTURER OF SEMICONDUCTORS,

WHICH ARE USED EVERYWHERE IN

PRODUCTS FROM CARS TO SEX TOYS.

SO THE NEXT TIME YOU FIRE UP A

BUTT PLUG THAT HAS 100,000 TIMES

MORE COMPUTING POWER THAN THE

"APOLLO" MOON MISSION, MAKE SURE

YOU SAY, "THANKS, TAIWAN."

SO ALL OF THIS BRINGS US TO

WHERE WE ARE RIGHT NOW, WITH

TAIWAN ESTABLISHED AS A

HIGHLY-DEVELOPED AND WEALTHY

COUNTRY.

AND YET, NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO

CALL IT ONE.

AND THAT BRINGS US BACK TO THE

HUGE, UNRESOLVED ISSUE OF

TAIWANESE SOVEREIGNTY.

BECAUSE CHINA NOW SEES CLAIMING

TAIWAN AS A KEY POINT OF

NATIONAL PRIDE, WITH XI JINPING

CALLING REUNIFICATION PART OF

HIS VISION FOR "THE GREAT

REJUVENATION OF THE CHINESE

NATION."

AND ANYONE WANTING TO DO

BUSINESS IN CHINA KNOWS THAT

CALLING TAIWAN A COUNTRY IS A

MASSIVE FAUX PAS.

AND IT'S NOT JUST THE GAP AND

JOHN CENA WHO'VE FOUND THAT OUT.

ALL OF THESE COMPANIES HAVE

EITHER HAD TO APOLOGIZE FOR, OR

WALK BACK, EVEN THE SMALLEST

IMPLICATION THAT TAIWAN IS A

SEPARATE COUNTRY.

AND YOU CAN SEE THIS CAUTION

EVERYWHERE.

AT THIS YEAR'S OLYMPICS, YOU

PROBABLY SAW TAIWANESE ATHLETES

COMPETING NOT UNDER THE

TAIWANESE FLAG, BUT UNDER THE

FAKE PSEUDO-FLAG OF "CHINESE

TAIPEI," SOMETHING THEY'VE BEEN

FORCED TO USE AT EVERY OLYMPICS

SINCE THE 1980s WHEN THEY

REACHED A COMPROMISE WITH THE

IOC THAT ALLOWED THEM TO

PARTICIPATE WITHOUT ANGERING

CHINA.

BUT THIS ARRANGEMENT ISN'T

SOMETHING THAT ALL TAIWANESE

PEOPLE APPRECIATE.

IN FACT, DURING THE 2012 GAMES,

THE LEAD SINGER OF TAIWANESE

HEAVY-METAL BAND CHTHONIC

POINTED OUT HOW LUDICROUS IT IS.

OUR TEAM, OUR NATIONAL TEAM'S

BEEN CALLED CHINESE FUCKING

TAIPEI.

FUCKING BULLSHIT, RIGHT?

"OH, WE CAN'T CALL YOU TAIWAN,

SORRY.

WE HAVE TO CALL YOU CHINESE

FUCKING TAIPEI."

I KNOW I SAY THIS EVERY

WEEK, BUT THAT DEATH METAL

SINGER COMPLAINING ABOUT OLYMPIC

NOMENCLATURE HAS A POINT.

ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, IF THEIR

OFFICIAL OLYMPICS NAME REALLY

WAS "CHINESE FUCKING TAIPEI,"

THAT WOULD AT LEAST BE A LITTLE

MORE ACCURATE VIS-A-VIS WHO'S

FUCKING WHOM.

AND EVEN HUGE INTERNATIONAL

ORGANIZATIONS LIKE THE W.H.O.

ARE FORCED TO PLAY THIS

RIDICULOUS GAME, FREEZING OUT

TAIWAN FROM FULL PARTICIPATION.

LAST YEAR, WHEN ONE W.H.O

OFFICIAL WAS PRESSED ON THIS

POINT BY A HONG KONG NEWSCASTER,

IT LED TO THIS VERY AWKWARD

INTERACTION.

WILL W.H.O. CONSIDER TAIWAN'S

MEMBERSHIP?

HELLO?

I'M SORRY. I CAN'T HEAR YOU. I COULDN'T
HEAR YOUR QUESTION. OKAY, YEAH.

LET ME -- LET ME REPEAT THE
QUESTION. NO, THAT'S OKAY.

LET'S MOVE TO ANOTHER ONE THEN.

I'M ACTUALLY CURIOUS ON

TALKING ABOUT TAIWAN AS WELL ON

TAIWAN'S CASE.

WE DECIDED TO GIVE DR. AYLWARD
ANOTHER CALL TO FOLLOW UP.

AND I JUST WANT TO SEE IF YOU

CAN COMMENT A BIT ON HOW TAIWAN

HAS DONE SO FAR IN TERMS OF

CONTAINING THE VIRUS.

WELL, WE'VE ALREADY TALKED

ABOUT CHINA.

OH, WE DID, DID WE?

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE FIRST, YOU

PRETENDED NOT TO HEAR THE
QUESTION, THEN FAKED GETTING

DISCONNECTED AFTER COMMITTING
THE WORLD'S MOST TELEGRAPHED LOGOFF.

THAT MAN COULDN'T BE MORE

CLEARLY AVOIDING THE QUESTION IF

HE CAME BACK ONLINE PRETENDING

TO BE A LAMP.

"YOU CAN'T ASK A LAMP ABOUT
TAIWAN.

ESPECIALLY ME -- I ONLY SPEAK
FRENCH.

SO THAT'S TWO REASONS I SHOULDN'T
HAVE TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION.

I'M A LAMP, AND I ONLY SPEAK
FRENCH, EXCEPT FOR THIS BRIEF

PARAGRAPH IN ENGLISH EXPLAINING

MY SITUATION.

AU REVOIR!

JE SUIS LAMP."

BUT IT'S NOT JUST COMPANIES AND

INTERNATIONAL ORGANIZATIONS.

THE VAST MAJORITY OF WORLD

GOVERNMENTS HAVE NO OFFICIAL

DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS WITH TAIWAN

BECAUSE CHINA WON'T HAVE

DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS WITH ANYONE

WHO DOES.

AND FOR ALL THE INITIAL

CHEERLEADING FROM WESTERN

COUNTRIES ABOUT "TAIWAN'S PLUCK

AND VERVE IN KEEPING THE

ANTI-COMMUNIST FLAG FLYING?"

THINGS HAVE SHIFTED.

BY THE END OF THE 1970s, MOST

COUNTRIES HAD SWITCHED THEIR

RECOGNITION OF CHINA'S OFFICIAL

GOVERNMENT FROM THE ONE ON

TAIWAN, KNOWN AS THE REPUBLIC OF

CHINA, TO THE COMMUNIST ONE ON

THE MAINLAND, THE PEOPLE'S

REPUBLIC OF CHINA.

IN FACT, TODAY, THE NUMBER OF

GOVERNMENTS STILL WILLING TO

DIPLOMATICALLY RECOGNIZE TAIWAN

HAS DWINDLED TO ONLY 14

COUNTRIES AND THE HOLY SEE.

ALTHOUGH THAT LAST ONE SHOULDN'T

BE SURPRISING.

YOU KNOW THE POPE.

HE LOVES TO STIR SHIT UP.

DRINKS WINE IN THE MORNING.

HE'S A MESSY BITCH WHO LIVES FOR

DRAMA.

AS FOR AMERICA, WE'VE SPENT THE

PAST HALF CENTURY WALKING A

DIPLOMATIC TIGHTROPE WITH A

POLICY KNOWN AS "STRATEGIC

AMBIGUITY."

IT'S SOMETHING THAT LETS US

MAINTAIN FUNCTIONAL RELATIONS

WITH TAIWAN AND STILL HAVE A

FULL FORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH
CHINA.

IT'S AN APPROACH THAT BEGAN IN
THE 1970s AND WAS BUILT UPON A

SERIES OF INCREDIBLY CAREFULLY
WORDED STATEMENTS.

THE UNITED STATES IN ONE OF
OUR COMMUNIQUES WITH THE

PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA ACKNOWLEDGES
THAT TAIWAN IS A PART OF CHINA.

BUT THE UNITED STATES ALSO DID
NOT ACCEPT THE PRC CLAIM TO TAIWAN.

THAT HAS BEEN OUR POSITION EVER
SINCE.

AND SO, IN EFFECT, THE U.S.
VIEWS TAIWAN'S STATUS AS

UNDETERMINED.

RIGHT.
WE ACKNOWLEDGED CHINA'S CLAIM,

BUT DIDN'T AGREE WITH IT,

LEAVING TAIWAN'S STATUS AS
"UNDETERMINED."

YOU KNOW, LIKE SHRODINGER'S CAT,
OR THE SCIENTOLOGY VERSION,

MISCAVIGE'S WIFE.
THEY COULD BE ONE THING OR THE

OTHER THING, AND NO ONE KNOWS

FOR SURE, DO THEY, DAVID?

HEY DAVID, DAVID, WHERE'S

SHELLY?

BUT THAT CONFUSION IS EMBLEMATIC

OF THE "STRATEGIC AMBIGUITY"

POLICY.

FOR INSTANCE, THE U.S. OPERATES

OUT OF THIS BUILDING IN TAIWAN,

OFTEN REFERRED TO AS ITS "DE

FACTO EMBASSY," BUT NOT,

CRUCIALLY, AN ACTUAL EMBASSY.

MEANWHILE, TAIWAN HAS THIS

BUILDING IN D.C., WHICH DOES

PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING THAT AN

EMBASSY WOULD DO, JUST WITHOUT

ACTUALLY BEING CALLED ONE.

AND I KNOW THIS POLICY CAN

OCCASIONALLY SEEM RIDICULOUS,

BUT THE UNCERTAINTY IS KIND OF

THE POINT, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT

COMES TO DEFENSE.

IN 1979, CONGRESS PASSED THE

TAIWAN RELATIONS ACT, IN WHICH

THE U.S. COMMITTED TO ASSIST

TAIWAN IN MAINTAINING ITS

SELF-DEFENSE CAPABILITY.

BUT THAT COMMITMENT VERY MUCH

STOPS SHORT OF THE U.S.

PROMISING TO DEFEND TAIWAN FROM
A CHINESE INVASION.

INSTEAD, IT SAYS MILITARY

AND THE EFFORT TO DETERMINE THE
FUTURE OF TAIWAN WOULD BE OF

GRAVE CONCERN TO THE
UNITED STATES.

AND WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

DOES IT MEAN THE U.S. WOULD
DEPLOY MILITARY ASSETS?

OR JUST THAT A U.S. GENERAL
WOULD RAISE AN EYEBROW?

NO ONE KNOWS.
IT'S A WILLFULLY CONFUSING

WILL-THEY OR WON'T-THEY DANCE,
THAT FOR 40 YEARS HAS BEEN THE

BACKBONE OF U.S.-TAIWAN POLICY.
AND LOOK, SO FAR, WE'VE BEEN

TALKING ABOUT TAIWAN ALMOST

EXCLUSIVELY IN TERMS OF WHAT

OTHER COUNTRIES WANT FROM IT.

BUT THE KEY QUESTION IS CLEARLY,

WHAT DOES IT WANT FOR ITSELF?

BUT EVEN THAT'S NOT EASY TO

ANSWER.

TAIWAN IS MADE UP OF A MIX OF
DIFFERENT CULTURES, LANGUAGES

AND POLITICAL VIEWPOINTS.
REMEMBER, THEIR LAWMAKERS

SOMETIMES THROW PIG INTESTINES

AT EACH OTHER IN PARLIAMENT.

EVERYONE IS NOT ON THE SAME PAGE
THERE.

BUT TO THE EXTENT TAIWANESE
PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN THROUGH THE

BALLOT BOX, THEY'VE CHOSEN A

GOVERNMENT THAT WANTS TO KEEP

CHINA AT ARM'S LENGTH.

THAT SINGER YOU SAW EARLIER

TALKING ABOUT "CHINESE FUCKING

TAIPEI?"

HE'S ACTUALLY IN TAIWAN'S

PARLIAMENT NOW, AND HE'S OPENLY

PRO-INDEPENDENCE.

AS FOR TAIWAN'S CURRENT LEADER,

TSAI ING-WEN, SHE WAS ELECTED ON

A PLATFORM OF DEFENDING TAIWAN,

BUT, CRUCIALLY, PRESERVING THE

STATUS QUO.

JUST WATCH HOW CAUTIOUSLY SHE

DISCUSSES THE QUESTION OF

TAIWANESE INDEPENDENCE.

ARE YOU IN PRINCIPLE AT LEAST

IN FAVOR OF THE IDEA OF FORMAL

TAIWANESE INDEPENDENCE?

THE REALITY, AND WHAT IT IS

NOW, IS THAT WE ARE ALREADY A

FUNCTIONALLY INDEPENDENT

COUNTRY.

WE HAVE OUR OWN GOVERNMENT, AND

WE HAVE OUR OWN ELECTION.

WILL THERE COME A DAY WHEN

THAT REALITY NEEDS TO BE SPELLED

OUT BY A FORMAL DECLARATION OF

INDEPENDENCE?

THE IDEA IS THAT WE DON'T

HAVE A NEED TO DECLARE OURSELVES

AN INDEPENDENT STATE, BUT WE ARE

AN INDEPENDENT COUNTRY.

RIGHT.

SHE'S CLEARLY DECLARING THAT

THEY'RE INDEPENDENT THERE, BUT

IS ALSO VERY MUCH DRAWING THE

LINE AT A DECLARATION OF

INDEPENDENCE.

BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THAT TAIWAN

EXPLICITLY FORMALIZING THE WAY

THINGS ARE COULD CAUSE A LOT OF

TROUBLE.

IT'S LIKE MEETING YOUR PARTNER'S

PARENTS FOR THE FIRST TIME AND

SAYING, "HELLO, I REGULARLY FUCK

YOUR OFFSPRING."

YEAH.

EVERYONE WAS AWARE OF THAT.

BUT NOW THAT YOU'VE OFFICIALLY

DECLARED IT, THINGS ARE GOING TO

GET MORE DIFFICULT FOR EVERYONE

INVOLVED.

AND THE TRUTH IS, THAT INTENSE

PRAGMATISM IS IN LINE WITH HOW

MANY TAIWANESE PEOPLE FEEL.

POLLS HAVE CONSISTENTLY SHOWN

THAT WHEN THEY'RE ASKED ABOUT

INDEPENDENCE FROM OR UNIFICATION

WITH CHINA, SOMETHING LIKE 1.5

PERCENT WANT UNIFICATION WITH

CHINA AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AND

ABOUT SIX PERCENT WANT

INDEPENDENCE AS SOON AS

POSSIBLE, BUT THE VAST MAJORITY

FAVOR SOME VERSION OF STICKING

WITH THE STATUS QUO, AT LEAST

FOR NOW.

WHICH MAKES SENSE.

BECAUSE AS THINGS STAND, AS

VOLATILE AS THIS SITUATION CAN

APPEAR, DAY-TO-DAY LIFE IN
TAIWAN CAN GO ON AS NORMAL.

AS THIS TAIWANESE MAN SHOWS.

WOW.

THAT IS A PRETTY RELAXED
ATTITUDE GIVEN THE

CIRCUMSTANCES.

HE'S TALKING ABOUT THE

NUCLEAR-ARMED, SABER-RATTLING

SUPERPOWER TAUNTING HIS COUNTRY

WITH WARPLANES LIKE IT'S SEASON

TWO OF "EMILY IN PARIS."

"YOU KNOW, I DON'T LOVE THAT

IT'S HAPPENING, BUT I JUST TRY

TO CARRY ON WITH MY LIFE."

BUT THE KEY QUESTION IS, CAN THE
CURRENTLY-SAFE STATUS QUO HOLD

FOREVER?

XI JINPING HAS STATED THAT THE

QUESTION OF TAIWAN CANNOT SIMPLY

BE "PASSED ON FROM GENERATION TO
GENERATION."

AND THOSE MILITARY DRILLS SEEM

TO BE SENDING A MESSAGE.

AND WHILE EXPERTS SAY WAR ISN'T

IMMINENT, TAIWAN IS

UNDERSTANDABLY THINKING ABOUT

ITS OWN DEFENSE CAPABILITIES.

SOMETHING, BY THE WAY, WE'VE

BEEN HAPPY TO ASSIST THEM IN

THINKING ABOUT, BY SELLING THEM

BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN WEAPONS,

SHOWING EVEN "STRATEGIC

AMBIGUITY" HAS ITS PRICE.

BUT DESPITE U.S. ASSISTANCE, THE

TAIWAN MILITARY IS OBVIOUSLY A

FRACTION OF CHINA'S.

AND ITS RECENT ATTEMPTS TO

ATTRACT RECRUITS HAVE LEFT

SOMETHING TO BE DESIRED.

THE ARMED FORCES HAVE BEEN

PRODUCING VIDEOS LIKE THIS TO

TRY TO DRUM UP ENTHUSIASM AMONG

POTENTIAL YOUNG SOLDIERS.

BUT THEY'VE BEEN STRUGGLING TO

MAKE UP FOR A SHORTFALL LEFT BY

A PHASING OUT OF CONSCRIPTION.

OKAY, I'M NOT SURE

THAT'S HELPING.

THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A GROUP

OF PEOPLE WHO ARE EXCITED TO BE

IN THE MILITARY.

IT LOOKS LIKE A BUNCH OF

BACKGROUND DANCERS WHO WERE CUT

FROM "IN THE HEIGHTS" BECAUSE

THEY WERE TOO BORING TO BE ON

CAMERA.

SO WHAT EXACTLY CAN OR SHOULD BE
DONE HERE?

WELL, THAT'S SOMETHING THE

ENTIRE WORLD HAS BEEN DISSECTING

FOR HALF A CENTURY NOW, AND SO

FAR THE ANSWER WE SEEM TO HAVE
SETTLED ON IS SOME VERSION OF,

"UH...

NEXT QUESTION, PLEASE," WHICH IS

CLEARLY NOT VERY SATISFYING.

AND I KNOW AMBIGUITY IS

INHERENTLY FRUSTRATING,

ESPECIALLY FOR AMERICANS, WHO

MIGHT LOOK AT A PLACE LIKE

TAIWAN, WHICH LOOKS AND ACTS

LIKE A COUNTRY, AND FEEL IT'S

WEIRD AND FARCICAL TO NOT

ACKNOWLEDGE IT AS ONE.

BUT FROM A PRACTICAL STANDPOINT,

WOULD THAT BE BETTER?

AND IS THAT EVEN WHAT THE PEOPLE

OF TAIWAN WANT?

COULD IT BE THAT MAINTAINING THE

CURRENT, DEEPLY WEIRD, AMBIGUOUS

STATUS QUO IS ACTUALLY THE BEST

OPTION?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M NOT TAIWANESE, AND FRANKLY,

PEOPLE WHO AREN'T TAIWANESE

MAKING DECISIONS FOR TAIWAN IS A

BIT FUCKING PLAYED OUT,

HISTORICALLY.

SO MAYBE THE BEST THING WE CAN

DO IS MOVE PAST TALKING ABOUT

TAIWAN LIKE IT'S SOME KIND OF

POKER CHIP IN A NEVER-ENDING

GAME OF US VS. THEM.

BECAUSE THE FACT IS, TAIWAN IS

NOT A PLUCKY BULWARK AGAINST THE

RED MENACE, NOR IS IT SOME SORT

OF ISLAND-SIZED VIAGRA TO

REJUVENATE THE CHINESE NATION.

TAIWAN IS 23 MILLION PEOPLE,

WHO, IN THE FACE OF CONSIDERABLE

ODDS, HAVE BUILT A FREE,

DEMOCRATIC SOCIETY, AND VERY

MUCH DESERVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE

THEIR OWN FUTURE, IN ANY WAY

THEY DEEM FIT, EVEN IF THAT

MEANS SPORADICALLY BEATING THE

ABSOLUTE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER.
AND NOW THIS.

AND NOW, JAMES CORDEN

JAMES CORDEN LOVES CINEMA.
WE HAVE TO CONGRATULATE YOU

ON YOUR BRILLIANT NEW MOVIE,

"HAPPIEST SEASON."
IT'S SO GOOD.

FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW, TELL
THEM WHAT IT'S ABOUT AND WHO YOU

PLAY.
FOR ANYONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW,

TELL THEM WHAT IT'S ABOUT AND
WHO YOU PLAY.

FOR ANYONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW,

TELL THEM WHAT IT'S ABOUT AND

WHO YOU PLAY.
TELL THEM WHAT IT'S ABOUT AND

WHO YOU PLAY.

WE HAVE TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON

YOUR BRILLIANT NEW MOVIE.

BRILLIANT NEW MOVIE.

FOR ANYONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW,

TELL THEM WHAT IT'S ABOUT AND

WHO YOU PLAY.

AND WHO YOU PLAY.

CAN YOU TELL US WHAT IS FOUL AND

WHO YOU PLAY?

WE HAVE TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON

YOUR BRILLIANT NEW MOVIE,

"FANTASY ISLAND."

I'M REALLY EXCITED FOR THIS FILM
FOR ANYONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW,

TELL THEM WHAT IT'S ABOUT AND
WHO YOU PLAY.

WE HAVE TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON
YOUR BRILLIANT NEW MOVIE.

BRILLIANT NEW MOVIE.
BRILLIANT MOVIE.

WE HAVE TO CONGRATULATE YOU,

NUMBER ONE MOVIE IN THE WORLD.

TELL THEM WHAT IT'S ABOUT AND

WHO YOU PLAY.

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG.

THAT'S OUR SHOW.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.