Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 8, Episode 1 - Episode #8.1 - full transcript

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>> John: HI THERE!

WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

WE'RE BACK!

STILL, UNFORTUNATELY,

IN THIS BLANK VOID.

I HAD HOPED WE'D BE OUT BY NOW,

BUT INSTEAD, I'M STILL STUCK

IN THE BLANKEST EXPANSE ON



TELEVISION, ASIDE FROM THE EYES

OF ROMAIN FROM "SELLING SUNSET."

THERE'S JUST NOTHING THERE.

WE'VE BEEN OFF SINCE NOVEMBER,

AND CLEARLY, A LOT HAS HAPPENED

SINCE THEN.

THE VACCINE ROLLOUT BEGAN.

WALL STREET WAS THROWN INTO

A FRENZY OVER GAMESTOP,

AND FOR A WEEK, EVERYONE GOT

REALLY INTO SEA SHANTIES.

IT'S BEEN A WEIRD TIME.

BUT WE HAVE TO START TONIGHT

WITH THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL



THAT TOOK PLACE THIS WEEK.

DEMOCRATS PUT ON A COMPELLING,

FORENSIC CASE ABOUT

TRUMP'S CLEAR ROLE AS

INSTIGATOR OF THE JANUARY 6th

RIOTS.

AND IN RESPONSE, TRUMP'S

ATTORNEYS MOUNTED A DEFENSE

THAT COULD CHARITABLY BE

CHARACTERIZED AS "INCOHERENT,"

WITH LOWLIGHTS RANGING FROM

ONE ATTORNEY REMINISCING ABOUT

HIS CHILDHOOD RECORD COLLECTION,

TO ANOTHER SUBJECTING THE SENATE

TO AN 11 MINUTE VIDEO OF

DEMOCRATS SIMPLY USING

THE WORD "FIGHT."

IT MIGHT HAVE SEEMED THAT THEY

WEREN'T TRYING VERY HARD,

BUT THAT MIGHT BE BECAUSE THEY

DIDN'T REALLY HAVE TO.

TED CRUZ EVEN MET WITH TRUMP'S

LAWYERS, WHILE THE CASE WAS

STILL GOING ON, AND TOLD THEM

THIS:

>> I SAID, "LOOK, YOU GOT --

YOU GOTTA REMEMBER YOU'VE

ALREADY WON."

THERE ARE NOT 67 VOTES

TO CONVICT.

THERE -- THERE ARE 55 VOTES

TO CONVICT, PLUS-MINUS TWO.

>> John: AND THE THING IS,

HE WAS RIGHT.

AND WHAT A TRULY INSPIRING

GLIMPSE THAT IS INTO THE WORLD'S

MOST DELIBERATIVE BODY.

"I SAID TO THEM, YOU GOTTA

REMEMBER: THE OUTCOME'S

PREDETERMINED, NOTHING MEANS

ANYTHING, AND THIS ENTIRE

PROCESS IS A COMPLETE CHARADE.

NOW, HANDS IN, EVERYONE:

DEAD EYES, EMPTY HEARTS,

TED CRUZ."

AND THE FACT THE REPUBLICANS

WERE GOING TO ACQUIT

THE FORMER PRESIDENT NO MATTER

WHAT IS A PRETTY DEPRESSING SIGN

OF JUST HOW DEEP TRUMPISM RUNS

IN THEIR PARTY.

BUT NOT JUST AT THE

NATIONAL LEVEL.

IN MANY WAYS, AT THE STATE

LEVEL, IT'S EVEN WORSE.

MORE THAN A DOZEN STATE

LEGISLATORS ACTUALLY

PARTICIPATED IN THE

"STOP THE STEAL" RALLY

PRECEDING THE RIOTS, AND ONE OF

THEM EVEN MADE IT INSIDE.

DERRICK EVANS, A NEWLY-ELECTED

WEST VIRGINIA STATE LEGISLATOR,

AND CHIPMUNK FRAT PLEDGE,

WAS EVENTUALLY ARRESTED.

AND WHILE HE MAINTAINED THAT

HE WAS ONLY IN THE CAPITOL AS AN

INDEPENDENT MEMBER OF THE MEDIA

TO FILM HISTORY, THE HISTORY

HE FILMED TOLD A VERY DIFFERENT

STORY.

>> TRUMP!

TRUMP!

WHOO!

WE'RE IN!

WE'RE IN!

DERRICK EVANS IS IN THE CAPITOL!

>> John: NOW, EVERYTHING ABOUT

THAT IS AWFUL.

FROM THE FACT THAT A STATE

LAWMAKER PARTICIPATED

IN A DEADLY INSURRECTION,

TO THE FACT HE WAS STUPID ENOUGH

TO BROADCAST HIMSELF DOING IT,

TO HIM EXCITEDLY TALKING ABOUT

HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON LIKE

SOME KIND OF ALT-RIGHT ELMO.

AND WHILE EVANS HAS SINCE

RESIGNED, HE'S JUST THE TIP OF

THE ICEBERG WHEN IT COMES TO

EXTREME BEHAVIOR IN STATE

REPUBLICAN PARTIES.

OREGON'S STATE G.O.P. PUT OUT

A STATEMENT CLAIMING THE RIOTS

WERE A "FALSE FLAG OPERATION

DESIGNED TO DISCREDIT

PRESIDENT TRUMP."

AND MICHIGAN'S TOP ELECTED

REPUBLICAN WAS CAUGHT ON TAPE

SPEWING DANGEROUS CONSPIRACIES

LIKE THIS:

>> SENATE MAJORITY LEADER

MIKE SHIRKEY IN HIS OWN WORDS

TALKING ABOUT THE DEADLY

JANUARY 6TH CAPITOL RIOTS,

SAYING IT WAS PREARRANGED, AND

THAT IT WASN'T TRUMP'S PEOPLE.

>> THAT'S BEEN A HOAX FROM DAY

ONE.

THAT WAS ALL PREARRANGED.

THAT WAS ALL ARRANGED BY

SOMEBODY THAT WAS FUNDING IT.

>> John: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU

TALKING ABOUT, SHIRKEY?

TO THE EXTENT JANUARY 6TH WAS

"PREARRANGED" BY ANYONE,

IT WAS CLEARLY BY TRUMP, AS HE

REPEATEDLY TWEETED THINGS

LIKE, "BIG PROTEST IN D.C.

ON JANUARY 6TH...

BE THERE, WILL BE WILD!"

WHICH, TO BE FAIR, WAS ONE OF

THOSE OCCASIONS WHERE HE TURNED

OUT TO BE COMPLETELY RIGHT.

AND I KNOW THAT MAN LOOKS LIKE

HE ANSWERS THE QUESTION,

"WHAT IF STEVE MARTIN WAS

AWFUL?," BUT THE FACT IS,

HE'S THE MAJORITY LEADER OF

THE MICHIGAN SENATE.

HE HAS REAL POWER.

THEN THERE'S ARIZONA, WHERE

THEIR REPUBLICAN PARTY CENSURED

THREE PEOPLE -- INCLUDING THEIR

GOVERNOR AND CINDY McCAIN --

FOR NOT SUFFICIENTLY SUPPORTING

TRUMP.

AND IN EARLY DECEMBER, DID THIS:

>> USING THE "STOP THE STEAL"

SLOGAN, A TRUMP SUPPORTER

WRITES, "I AM WILLING TO GIVE

MY LIFE FOR THIS FIGHT."

THE STATE REPUBLICAN PARTY

RESPONDS, "HE IS.

ARE YOU?"

THEN THE OFFICIAL PARTY DOUBLES

DOWN, TWEETING OVERNIGHT A CLIP

FROM "RAMBO" AND THE QUOTE,

"THIS IS WHAT WE DO, WHO WE ARE.

LIVE FOR NOTHING, OR DIE FOR

SOMETHING."

>> John: OKAY, ASIDE FROM BEING

COMPLETELY TERRIFYING, THAT

QUOTE IS FROM THE 2008 "RAMBO"

MOVIE -- AT THAT POINT, THE

WORST "RAMBO" MOVIE, UNTIL THEY

MADE ANOTHER ONE.

I'M JUST SAYING, IF YOU

ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO QUOTE

STALLONE, THERE ARE SO MANY

BETTER OPTIONS.

THEY COULD HAVE GONE WITH,

"TO SURVIVE A WAR, YOU GOTTA

BECOME WAR," FROM

"RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II."

OR "THIS CHILDISH GAME WILL SOON

BE OVER.

AND THEN THE REAL GAME WILL

BEGIN," FROM "SPY KIDS 3D:

GAME OVER."

OR EVEN THIS ACTUAL STALLONE

TWEET: "EVERYONE SHOULD TRY

PAINTING!

GET STROKING!"

I MEAN, SURE, IT DOESN'T MAKE

MUCH SENSE, BUT AT LEAST IT'S

NOT LIKELY TO LEAD TO PEOPLE

GETTING KILLED.

AND IT'S NOT JUST PARTY

OFFICIALS.

REPUBLICAN SENATORS IN ARIZONA

HAVE TRIED, AMONG OTHER

THINGS, TO HOLD THE MARICOPA

COUNTY BOARD OF SUPERVISORS

IN CONTEMPT FOR REFUSING TO TURN

OVER VOTING MACHINES AND BALLOTS

FOR INSPECTION.

AND ONE LAWMAKER INTRODUCED THIS

PARTICULARLY EXTREME BILL:

>> UNDER HOUSE BILL 27-20,

THE LEGISLATURE COULD REVOKE

THE SECRETARY OF STATE'S

CERTIFICATION OF THE ELECTION,

AND APPOINT MEMBERS TO THE

ELECTORAL COLLEGE THAT IT WANTS.

HAD THIS BEEN THE LAW IN

NOVEMBER, THE G.O.P.-LED

LEGISLATURE COULD HAVE GIVEN

THE STATE'S 11 ELECTORAL COLLEGE

VOTES TO FORMER PRESIDENT

DONALD TRUMP.

THIS MORNING, SECRETARY OF STATE

KATIE HOBBS APPEARED ON "GOOD

MORNING ARIZONA" TO SAY THIS.

>> WHY NOT JUST DO AWAY WITH

ELECTIONS ALTOGETHER, AND JUST

HAVE THE LEGISLATURE PICK ALL OF

OUR ELECTED OFFICIALS?

THAT -- THAT WAS SARCASM.

YEAH, THIS LEGISLATION IS

LUDICROUS.

>> John: OKAY, I DO TAKE YOUR

POINT THERE, BUT HAVING TO

EXPLAIN SOMETHING YOU JUST SAID

WAS SARCASTIC IS NEVER IDEAL.

IT KIND OF ROBS THE SARCASM OF

ITS BITE.

NEXT TIME, WHY NOT JUST USE

A SARCASM ALERT HORN?

THAT WAY, THE HORN DOES ALL THE

WORK FOR YOU.

ALTHOUGH I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M

TELLING YOU THIS.

YOU'RE CLEARLY SO GOOD AT

SARCASM.

[HORN HONKS]

SEE?

IT WORKS.

BUT THAT BILL ACTUALLY POINTS TO

A MUCH LARGER ISSUE HERE:

REPUBLICAN LEGISLATURES ACROSS

THE COUNTRY HAVE RESPONDED TO

WHAT'S BEEN CALLED "THE MOST

SECURE ELECTION IN U.S. HISTORY"

BY PUSHING NEW LAWS TO MAKE

VOTING SIGNIFICANTLY MORE

DIFFICULT.

IN ARIZONA, THEY'VE PUT FORWARD

19 BILLS TO RESTRICT VOTING

RIGHTS.

AND NATIONWIDE, 33 STATES ARE

CONSIDERING OVER 165 RESTRICTIVE

BILLS, JUST THIS YEAR.

NOW LUCKILY, THERE IS CURRENTLY

LEGISLATION IN CONGRESS -- HR1

AND THE JOHN LEWIS VOTING RIGHTS

ADVANCEMENT ACT -- THAT COULD

HELP CURB STATE-LEVEL ATTEMPTS

AT VOTER SUPPRESSION.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE BEST SHOT

THOSE BILLS HAVE AT GETTING

ENACTED IS IF DEMOCRATS

END THE FILIBUSTER.

AND TO DO THAT, EVERY SENATE

DEMOCRAT WOULD NEED TO BE ON

BOARD.

THE PROBLEM THERE IS, ONE OF

THOSE DEMOCRATS IS JOE MANCHIN.

>> WE'RE NOT GOING TO BUST

THE FILIBUSTER.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO BUST

THE BYRD RULE THAT BASICALLY

PROTECTS THE FILIBUSTER.

>> I'M NOT GOING TO BREAK THE

BYRD RULE, I'M NOT KILLING THE

FILIBUSTER.

I'M PROTECTING THE SENATE IN

HONOR OF ROBERT C. BYRD, WHOSE

SEAT I SIT IN.

SO YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A

PERSON THAT'S GOING TO DEFEND

THE LEGACY OF ROBERT C. BYRD.

>> John: OKAY, IT'S BAD ENOUGH

THAT YOU'RE DEFENDING THE

FILIBUSTER, LET ALONE DOING IT

TO DEFEND THE LEGACY OF

ROBERT C. BYRD, A MAN WHO

LITERALLY USED IT TO TRY AND

BLOCK THE ORIGINAL VOTING RIGHTS

ACT IN 1964!

HE USED THE THING YOU'RE

ADVOCATING FOR IN THE WORST

POSSIBLE WAY.

IT'D BE LIKE PROMOTING ZOOM

BY REMINDING EVERYONE THAT

JEFFREY TOOBIN USED IT.

YOU'RE REALLY NOT HELPING YOUR

CASE THERE!

AND IT'S NOT JUST MANCHIN.

DEMOCRATS LIKE KYRSTEN SINEMA

AND DIANNE FEINSTEIN HAVE ALSO

DEFENDED THE FILIBUSTER.

AND BOTH BIDEN AND HARRIS HAVE

BEEN LUKEWARM ON THE ISSUE

IN THE PAST, WHICH IS VERY

FRUSTRATING.

BECAUSE DEMOCRATS SIMPLY CANNOT

AFFORD TO REST ON THEIR LAURELS

RIGHT NOW.

REPUBLICANS DEFINITELY AREN'T!

THEY'VE MADE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR

THEY'RE WILLING TO TAKE THINGS

TO DRASTIC LEVELS.

AND DEMOCRATS JUST DON'T SEEM

REMOTELY PREPARED TO MEET THAT

THREAT RIGHT NOW.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

DON'T WORRY.

I'M SURE THE G.O.P. WILL SIMPLY

PUT THE PAST BEHIND THEM,

RECOGNIZE WHAT THEY'VE DONE

WRONG, AND SHEPHERD ALL OF US

INTO A BIPARTISAN ERA OF MUTUAL

COOPERATION FOR THE COMMON GOOD.

[HORN HONKS]

THAT WAS SARCASM.

AND NOW, THIS.

♪ ♪

>> Announcer: AND NOW...

NEWSCASTERS OFFER TIPS FOR

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN THE

WORST IMAGINABLE WAY.

>> I'VE SEEN ALL TYPES OF

DIFFERENT OPPORTUNITIES TO

CELEBRATE THIS VALENTINE'S DAY.

LET'S GO OVER HERE AND TAKE A

LOOK AT THIS BOUQUET OF BEEF

STICKS.

>> FRIED CHICKEN BOUQUETS.

THEY INCLUDED SIX CHICKEN

TENDERS, MINI CARNATIONS, HERBS,

BABY'S BREATH, AND BUTTERMILK

DRESSING.

>> A BOUQUET MADE OF CHICK-FIL-A

NUGGETS AND WAFFLES.

>> THIS IS A CHICKEN WING AND

CHICKEN FINGER BOUQUET.

>> HOW ABOUT A CORN DOG BOUQUET?

>> A BOUQUET OF SALAMI!

WHY NOT?

>> A SAUSAGE BOUQUET.

>> THESE ARE BACON BOUQUETS.

>> A BOUQUET OF RIBS.

>> JERKY BEEF BOUQUETS.

>> THIS IS MY BEEF BOUQUET.

>> JERKY BOUQUETS, I WILL TELL

YOU RIGHT NOW, THAT LOOKS SO

DELICIOUS.

>> THE FIRST EVER MAINE LOBSTER

TAIL BOUQUET.

>> A TERRIBLE IDEA.

>> THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.

PLEASE DO NOT SHIP THIS, DO NOT

PUT THIS IN THE MAIL.

YOU KNOW WHERE YOU WILL SPEND

THIS VALENTINE'S DAY?

ON THE TOILET.

♪ ♪

>> John: MOVING ON.

OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS

PANDEMICS.

YOU KNOW, THE THING EVERY LITTLE

VIRUS COULD ONE DAY GROW INTO.

>> WAIT, EVEN ME?

>> John: YEAH!

MAYBE EVEN YOU, MYSTERY VIRUS!

>> WOW, THAT'S GREAT!

THANKS FOR HELPING ME BELIEVE

IN MYSELF, JOHN!

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I'M OFF TO THE MALL OF AMERICA!

WHEE!

>> John: [LAUGHS]

OH, OKAY!

HAVE FUN!

I'M PROBABLY GOING TO

REGRET THAT.

AND I KNOW WHAT YOU MIGHT BE

THINKING RIGHT NOW:

"JOHN, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ANY MORE

ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS!"

AND I GET THAT!

WHICH IS WHY WE'RE NOT ACTUALLY

GOING TO TALK ABOUT

THE CURRENT PANDEMIC TONIGHT.

WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT

THE NEXT ONE INSTEAD.

WHICH, I KNOW, SOUNDS EVEN LESS

APPEALING, BUT, LOOK, WE ARE THE

SHOW WE ARE.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE A BRITISH

PERSON DO SOMETHING HOT OR

INTERESTING, GO WATCH

"BRIDGERTON."

LOTTA JIZZING IN BLANKETS

ON THAT SHOW.

HOWEVER MUCH YOU EXPECT,

THERE'S SIGNIFICANTLY MORE.

BUT NOW MIGHT ALSO BE THE MOST

IMPORTANT TIME TO TALK ABOUT

THIS.

BECAUSE SCIENTISTS ATTEMPTED

TO WARN US ABOUT "THE NEXT

PANDEMIC" LONG BEFORE THE

CURRENT ONE HIT,

AND WE DIDN'T REALLY LISTEN.

IN FACT, 17 YEARS AGO, JUST

AFTER THE SARS EPIDEMIC WAS

CONTAINED, A LEADING SCIENTIST

WAS ON "60 MINUTES," SOUNDING

A CHILLING WARNING.

>> WHAT WORRIES ME THE MOST IS

THAT WE'RE GONNA MISS THE

NEXT EMERGING DISEASE, THAT

WE'RE GONNA SUDDENLY FIND

A SARS VIRUS THAT MOVES FROM

ONE PART OF THE PLANET TO

ANOTHER, WIPING OUT PEOPLE

AS IT MOVES ALONG.

>> SOMETHING MORE LETHAL THAN

SARS IS WHAT WORRIES YOU.

>> THAT'S SOMETHING TO BE

KEEPING YOU AWAKE AT NIGHT.

>> John: UH, YEAH, IT IS.

BECAUSE THAT IS A HAUNTINGLY

SPOT-ON PREDICTION THERE.

I KIND OF WANTED HIM TO

CONTINUE.

"JUST SPITBALLING HERE,

WHAT IF THAT GUY FROM

"THE APPRENTICE" BECOMES

PRESIDENT?

OR SOME LONELY GOON AT HARVARD

INVENTS A WEBSITE THAT DESTROYS

THE FABRIC OF SOCIETY AS WE KNOW

IT?

THAT'S SOMETHING TO KEEP YOU

AWAKE AT NIGHT, TOO!"

LOOK, I KNOW THIS CURRENT

CORONAVIRUS MIGHT FEEL LIKE A

ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME NIGHTMARE,

BUT IT'S ACTUALLY PART

OF A GLOBAL TREND, BECAUSE

THE TOTAL NUMBER OF INFECTIOUS

DISEASE OUTBREAKS HAS INCREASED

SIGNIFICANTLY SINCE 1980.

WE'VE SEEN OUTBREAKS LIKE SARS

IN 2003, H1N1 IN 2009, A SERIES

OF EBOLA OUTBREAKS, MOST NOTABLY

IN 2014, MERS IN 2015,

ZIKA THAT SAME YEAR,

AND, OF COURSE, THE CURRENT

VIRUS WE'RE ALL ENDURING, WHICH

IS THE MAIN REASON I'M CURRENTLY

SPEAKING TO YOU COMPLETELY ALONE

FROM WHAT LOOKS LIKE THE

PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY'S ASS CRACK.

AND THE TRUTH IS, IF WE'RE NOT

VERY CAREFUL, THE NEXT PANDEMIC

COULD WELL BE EVEN WORSE.

>> THERE ARE VIRUSES CURRENTLY

CIRCULATING IN WILDLIFE.

THEY ESSENTIALLY KILL 60 TO 70%

OF THE PEOPLE THEY INFECT.

>> THE VIRUS THAT CAUSES

COVID-19 MIGHT JUST BE A DRESS

REHEARSAL FOR THE BIG ONE LATER?

>> THIS IS NOT, BY ANY STRETCH

OF THE IMAGINATION, THE WORST

MOTHER NATURE HAS TO OFFER US.

>> John: WELL, THAT DOESN'T

SOUND GREAT.

AND LOOK, I KNOW THIS ISN'T THE

MOST IMPORTANT THING THERE, BUT:

WHAT IS IT WITH DISEASE EXPERTS

AND PREDICTING UPCOMING

PANDEMICS WHILE ON BOATS?

THAT'S A TERRIBLE USE OF A BOAT.

THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE CHILL.

READ THE BOAT RULES.

ONE: THE CAPTAIN'S ALWAYS

RIGHT.

TWO: WE ONLY FISH ON DAYS THAT

END IN "Y."

AND THREE: NO GRIM TIDINGS OF

THE VIRAL APOCALYPSE.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

THAT'S A BOAT FOUL, DR. BUMMER.

>> BOAT FOUL!

>> John: INDEED.

AND WHILE YOU WOULD HOPE THAT

THE LAST YEAR WOULD BE A WAKE-UP

CALL TO EVERYONE, THOSE WHO

STUDY PANDEMICS ARE SKEPTICAL

THAT WE'VE LEARNED NEARLY

ENOUGH.

>> I THINK WHAT I'VE SEEN IN

HISTORY OF LOOKING AT THESE

PATHOGENS OVER TIME IS THAT

WE USUALLY GO RIGHT BACK TO

BUSINESS AS USUAL AS SOON AS

THE THING ENDS, AS SOON AS WE

HAVE A DRUG, AS SOON AS WE HAVE

A VACCINE, AS SOON AS WE CAN

KIND OF GHETTOIZE THESE DISEASES

INTO MARGINALIZED POPULATIONS.

WE DON'T REALLY DO THE

FUNDAMENTAL SOCIAL CHANGE

THAT WE COULD DO.

>> John: EXACTLY.

UNFORTUNATELY, THERE IS EVERY

CHANCE THAT AFTER ALL THIS IS

OVER, WE'LL END UP TREATING

THE CORONAVIRUS LIKE A REALLY

BAD FART AT THANKSGIVING.

THAT IS, WAITING PATIENTLY FOR

IT TO DISSIPATE SO WE CAN

NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN AND

COLLECTIVELY PRETEND THAT

IT DIDN'T JUST KILL GRANDMA.

SO GIVEN ALL OF THAT, TONIGHT,

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE NEXT

PANDEMIC -- SPECIFICALLY,

WHERE NEW INFECTIOUS DISEASES

COME FROM, WHY THEY'RE ON THE

RISE, AND WHAT WE CAN DO TO

LIMIT THEM.

AND LET'S START WITH HOW WE GOT

INTO OUR CURRENT SITUATION.

THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC IS CAUSED

BY A NOVEL CORONAVIRUS CALLED

"SARS-COV-2," WHICH ORIGINATED

IN ANIMALS BEFORE JUMPING TO

HUMANS.

AND THAT IS BY NO MEANS UNUSUAL.

IT'S ESTIMATED THAT UP TO 75%

OF NEW OR EMERGING INFECTIOUS

DISEASES COME FROM ANIMALS.

THEY'RE CALLED

"ZOONOTIC DISEASES" OR

"ZOONOSES."

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH

"ZOO NOSE," WHICH, FOR THE

RECORD, IS A VERY HURTFUL THING

TO CALL A TEENAGER WHO'S ALREADY

GOT ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH.

AND COVID IS BY NO MEANS THE

ONLY ZOONOTIC DISEASE OUT THERE.

THERE ARE AN ESTIMATED

1.7 MILLION CURRENTLY

UNDISCOVERED VIRUSES IN MAMMALS

AND BIRDS, OF WHICH BETWEEN

SIX AND 800,000 COULD HAVE

THE ABILITY TO INFECT HUMANS.

AND LOTS OF ANIMAL SPECIES ARE

HOSTS FOR ZOONOTIC DISEASE.

BIRDS AND PIGS CAN HARBOR

INFLUENZA.

CHIMPANZEES WERE THE BRIDGE OF

HIV TO HUMANS, AND TURTLES CAN

CARRY SALMONELLA, WHICH IS

SOMETHING WE ALL REMEMBER FROM

ONE OF THE DARKEST EPISODES OF

THE NINJA TURTLES CARTOON.

THAT'S RIGHT: ONE OF THEIR

TURTLE POWERS SEEMED TO BE

INADVERTENTLY KILLING

APRIL O'NEIL.

ONE OF THE BIGGEST VECTORS

FOR TRANSMITTING VIRUSES IS,

FAMOUSLY, BATS.

THEY'VE BEEN LINKED TO EBOLA,

THE DEADLY NIPAH VIRUS, AND

COVID-19.

IN FACT, HERE IS THAT EERILY

PRESCIENT EXPERT THAT YOU SAW

EARLIER WARNING OF THE DANGERS

OF A POPULAR BAT-BASED TOURIST

ATTRACTION BACK IN 2016.

>> THE BATS HERE IN THIS CAVE

ARE THE SAME BATS THAT CARRY

SARS VIRUS.

WHEN THEY'RE UP THERE, THEY

URINATE AND DEFECATE RIGHT ON

TOP OF THE TOURISTS THAT ARE

WALKING THROUGH.

AND ALL YOU HAVE GOT TO DO IS BE

THAT ONE PERSON TO BREATHE IN AT

THE WRONG TIME, AND SUDDENLY YOU

HAVE BEEN INFECTED WITH A --

WITH A VIRUS THAT IS NOT ONLY

POTENTIALLY LETHAL TO PEOPLE, IT

COULD CAUSE A FUTURE PANDEMIC.

>> John: THAT'S HORRIBLE -- AND

NOT JUST THE DISEASE PART.

JUST THE VERY CONCEPT OF THIS

WALK-IN BAT TOILET BEING

A TOURIST DESTINATION.

THAT MIGHT BE THE WORST TOURIST

ATTRACTION SINCE DISNEYLAND PUT

JOHNNY DEPP ANIMATRONICS IN THE

"PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN" RIDE.

C'MON, DISNEY, THERE'S KIDS

HERE!

THEY'RE HERE TO WATCH SOME JOLLY

NAUTICAL RAPISTS AND THIEVES,

NOT A WEIRD, SAD MILLIONAIRE

DOING A B-PLUS KEITH RICHARDS.

NOW THERE ARE REASONS THAT BATS

ARE SUCH GOOD HOSTS FOR DISEASE.

THEY CAN FLY, SO THEY CAN COVER

LARGE DISTANCES.

THEY'VE DEVELOPED SPECIALIZED

IMMUNE SYSTEMS THAT DON'T

OVERREACT TO INFECTIONS, WHICH

KEEPS THEM FROM FALLING ILL.

AND THEY ARE INSANELY PLENTIFUL.

NEARLY A QUARTER OF THE WORLD'S

MAMMAL SPECIES ARE BATS.

AND IF YOU'RE THINKING, "GREAT,

THEN THERE'S AN EASY FIX HERE:

LET'S SIMPLY KILL ALL BATS,"

THAT'S ACTUALLY NOT A GREAT

IDEA, FOR MULTIPLE REASONS.

NOT ONLY ARE THEY CRUCIAL

ELEMENTS OF OUR ECOSYSTEM,

THEY'RE ALSO WAY CUTER THAN

THEY'RE OFTEN GIVEN CREDIT FOR!

JUST LOOK AT THIS FUZZY LITTLE

GOOBER EATING A BANANA!

LOOK AT THIS ONE SCARFING DOWN

A WATERMELON!

AND JUST LOOK AT THIS LITTLE GUY

TRYING TO ABSOLUTELY HOUSE

A SINGLE GRAPE.

LOOK AT HIM GO!

WHO'S STRUGGLING WITH A GRAPE?

YOU ARE!

YOU'RE STRUGGLING WITH A GRAPE,

YOU LITTLE GOTH MOUSE!

ALSO, IT IS IMPORTANT TO

REMEMBER THAT THE FACT THAT WE

MAY'VE CAUGHT COVID FROM BATS

ISN'T SO MUCH THEIR FAULT AS IT

IS OURS.

BECAUSE OUTBREAKS OF BAT VIRUSES

DON'T TEND TO COME FROM THEM

SEEKING US OUT; THEY USUALLY

HAPPEN WHEN A HUMAN TAKES A BAT

SOMEWHERE IT'D NEVER GO ON ITS

OWN OR INTRUDES ON ITS HOME.

AND THAT ACTUALLY BRINGS US TO

THE FIRST BIG THING WE'RE DOING

THAT MAY WELL BRING ABOUT THE

NEXT PANDEMIC.

AND THAT IS ERASING THE BUFFER

BETWEEN CIVILIZATION AND

WILDLIFE.

SCIENTISTS HAVE REPEATEDLY

WARNED US ABOUT THE DANGERS OF

DEFORESTATION, URBANIZATION,

MINING, AND GENERALLY

SUPPLANTING NATURAL HABITATS,

WHICH HAS BEEN FAR MORE

EXTENSIVE THAN YOU MIGHT THINK.

>> MANY PEOPLE IMAGINE THERE'S

THIS UNTOUCHED WILDERNESS

BECAUSE THEY SEE IT ON THEIR

TV SCREENS, BUT THE REALITY IS,

THERE'S REALLY NOT A LOT OF WILD

LEFT THERE.

>> WE'VE ALREADY LOST NEARLY

90% OF THE WETLANDS AROUND

THE WORLD.

WE'VE TRANSFORMED THE FORESTS,

OUR GRASSLANDS.

WE'VE CONVERTED 75% OF THE LAND

THAT IS NOT COVERED BY ICE.

>> THREE QUARTERS OF THE

TERRESTRIAL SURFACE HAS BEEN

CHANGED.

A LOT OF IT JUST TO FEED ONE

SPECIES.

>> John: IT'S TRUE.

WE'VE CHANGED THREE-QUARTERS OF

THE EARTH'S LAND AREAS!

AND WHILE SOME OF THAT WAS

NECESSARY, WE HAVE ALSO CHANGED

A LOT TO BUILD DUMB, POINTLESS

SHIT THAT NO ONE REALLY WANTS OR

NEEDS, LIKE PAINTBALL COURSES,

OR NOVELTY T-SHIRT SHOPS, OR

SALT LAKE CITY.

AND THAT VANISHING BOUNDARY

HAS BROUGHT INCREASED RISK.

OVER 30% OF NEW AND EMERGING

DISEASES ARE LINKED TO

DEFORESTATION AND LAND USE

CHANGE.

TAKE THE AMAZON.

STUDIES HAVE DOCUMENTED THAT

CLEARING PATCHES OF FOREST

APPEARS TO CREATE THE IDEAL

HABITAT ALONG FOREST EDGES FOR

THE TYPE OF MOSQUITO THAT'S

THE MOST COMMON TRANSMITTER OF

MALARIA THERE.

OR TAKE WEST AFRICA.

THE FIRST VICTIM OF 2014'S

EBOLA OUTBREAK WAS A YOUNG BOY

WHO'D BEEN SEEN PLAYING NEAR

A TREE INFESTED WITH BATS BEFORE

HE GOT SICK.

HE LIVED IN A SMALL VILLAGE

WHERE MUCH OF THE SURROUNDING

FOREST HAD BEEN DESTROYED BY

FOREIGN MINING AND TIMBER

OPERATIONS.

AND EVIDENCE SUGGESTS THAT

THAT IS WHAT BROUGHT THE BATS

INTO HIS VILLAGE.

AND BEFORE YOU THINK THIS IS

JUST AN OVERSEAS PROBLEM, IT IS

WORTH REMEMBERING THAT ONE OF

THE CLEAREST EXAMPLES OF HABITAT

DESTRUCTION FUELING AN EMERGING

DISEASE HAPPENED RIGHT HERE IN

THE U.S., WHERE LYME DISEASE WAS

FIRST IDENTIFIED IN CONNECTICUT

IN THE 1980s, AND WAS DRIVEN BY

SUBURBANIZATION.

>> WHAT WE'VE FOUND IS THAT THE

PROBABILITY THAT A TICK IS GOING

TO ACQUIRE AN INFECTION WHEN IT

FEEDS ON A WHITE FOOTED MOUSE IS

ABOUT 90%.

AS WE FRAGMENT THE LANDSCAPE,

WE CHOP UP CONTINUOUS FOREST

INTO LITTLE BITS, WE LOSE

SPECIES.

THEY DISAPPEAR.

ONE OF THE LAST CREATURES IS

THE WHITE FOOTED MOUSE.

SO AS WE REDUCE DIVERSITY, WE'RE

LOSING THE SPECIES THAT PROTECT

US AND FAVORING THE ONES THAT

MAKE US SICK.

>> John: RIGHT.

WE FRAGMENTED THE LANDSCAPE

AND THAT DROVE OUT PREDATORS,

LEAVING CREATURES LIKE

WHITE-FOOTED MICE, WHO ARE THE

MAIN CULPRITS WHEN IT COMES TO

LYME DISEASE TRANSMISSION.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS:

FUCK WHITE-FOOTED MICE.

THEY CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES.

UNLIKE, OF COURSE, RATS, WHO CAN

AND SHOULD GO FUCK EACH OTHER.

BUT IT'S NOT JUST US MOVING

CLOSER TO ANIMALS.

IT'S THAT, MORE AND MORE,

WE'RE BRINGING WILD ANIMALS INTO

CONTACT WITH US THROUGH THE

WILDLIFE TRADE.

NOW SOMETIMES THAT TAKES THE

FORM OF EXOTIC PETS, WHETHER

IT'S WHEN PARIS HILTON GOT A

KINKAJOU NAMED BABYLUV, OR THIS

RANDOM BRITISH MAN'S EXTREMELY

ILL-ADVISED ROOMMATE.

>> AN ORDINARY STREET IN KENT

AND A SUBURBAN SEMI WITH A

NORMAL CONSERVATORY.

BUT IT'S LICENSED FOR SOMETHING

FAR FROM NORMAL.

IS A CROCODILE A SUITABLE PET TO

HAVE IN A SUBURBAN HOUSE LIKE

THIS?

>> HE'S VERY MELLOW.

HE'S NOT THE SAME ANIMAL

HE WOULD BE BECAUSE HE'S -- HE'S

ADJUSTED, SHALL WE SAY, TO HUMAN

LIFE.

HAVING SOMETHING THAT NO ONE

ELSE HAS GOT IS -- IS AN

INTERESTING THING.

>> John: I MEAN, SURE.

I GUESS THAT'S TRUE.

BUT EVEN IF YOU INSIST ON OWNING

A WILD ANIMAL -- WHICH YOU

REALLY SHOULDN'T -- WHY A

CROCODILE?

THEY'RE NOT REMOTELY CUDDLY.

YOU'RE BASICALLY FLOODING YOUR

BROOM CLOSET TO MAKE ROOM

FOR A CARNIVOROUS SURFBOARD.

THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE HUMAN USE

FOR ANY CROCODILE OR ALLIGATOR

IS AS THE STAR OF THE INTERNET'S

GREATEST MUSIC VIDEO:

♪ IT'S FLAT FUCK FRIDAY ♪

♪ YOU FUCKIN' LOSERS ♪

♪ IT'S FLAT FUCK FRIDAY ♪

>> John: EXCELLENT.

THAT IS EXCELLENT.

THAT SONG IS CATCHIER THAN SARS

IN A GOOD WAY.

THE POINT IS, EXOTIC PET

OWNERSHIP HAS CAUSED REAL

PROBLEMS.

IN 2003, 47 PEOPLE ACROSS SIX

STATES CAUGHT MONKEYPOX --

WHICH HAD NEVER INFECTED HUMANS

OUTSIDE OF AFRICA -- AFTER

HAVING CONTACT WITH INFECTED

PRAIRIE DOGS PURCHASED AS PETS.

AND IN 2006, PARIS HILTON HAD TO

GO TO THE HOSPITAL AFTER HER

KINKAJOU BIT HER.

AND IT'S HARD TO SAY WHICH WAS

WORSE: A U.S. MONKEYPOX

OUTBREAK, OR BABYLUV'S SHOCKING

BETRAYAL.

ET TU, KINKAJOU?

BUT PERHAPS THE MOST FAMOUS WAY

WILD ANIMALS CAN SPREAD DISEASE

TO HUMANS IS WHEN THEY'RE SOLD

FOR CONSUMPTION.

AND THE PHRASE YOU'RE PROBABLY

ALREADY THINKING OF RIGHT NOW IS

"WET MARKETS."

LIKE THE ONE IN WUHAN, WHICH MAY

WELL HAVE BEEN THE BREAKOUT SITE

OF COVID-19.

AND YOU SHOULD KNOW: THE TERM

"WET MARKET" IS USED INCREDIBLY

BROADLY AND OFTEN INCORRECTLY.

MANY WET MARKETS ARE ESSENTIALLY

JUST PLACES WHERE FRESH MEAT,

SEAFOOD, AND PRODUCE ARE SOLD,

NOT UNLIKE A FARMER'S MARKET.

AND THEY CAN BE KEY SOURCES OF

FRESH, AFFORDABLE FOOD AROUND

THE WORLD, ESPECIALLY IN

DEVELOPING AREAS WHERE THERE

ISN'T, Y'KNOW, A TRADER JOE'S

THREE BLOCKS AWAY.

HOWEVER, SOME OF THOSE MARKETS

DO SELL WILDLIFE LIKE BATS AND

SNAKES AND CONDITIONS IN SOME OF

THOSE WILDLIFE MARKETS CAN BE

IDEAL FOR DISEASE TRANSMISSION.

>> SO HERE IN CAGES RIGHT NEXT

TO EACH OTHER, WE'VE GOT ADULT

RACCOONS NEXT TO CAPYBARA,

WHICH IS FROM SOUTH AMERICA.

THOSE ARE FROM NORTH AMERICA.

CAGES RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER.

THIS IS THE BIGGEST RODENT IN

THE WORLD.

AND ON TOP OF HERE, I THINK --

MARMOSETS ON TOP OF THE

CAPYBARA.

>> WHAT WE JUST SAW HERE IS LIKE

A BIOLOGICAL WARFARE LAB.

ANY ONE ANIMAL CAN TRANSMIT

A PATHOGEN TO ANOTHER, SOMEBODY

BUYS IT, HANDLES IT, TAKES IT

HOME AS A PET OR EATS IT.

BOOM.

WE HAVE ANOTHER PANDEMIC.

>> John: RIGHT.

WHEN WILD ANIMALS FROM DIFFERENT

PARTS OF THE WORLD ARE HELD IN

CLOSE PROXIMITY, WITH WEAKENED

IMMUNE SYSTEMS DUE TO STRESS,

PATHOGENS CAN EASILY JUMP FROM

ONE SPECIES TO ANOTHER, AND

POTENTIALLY TO HUMANS.

WHICH SHOULD, AT THE VERY LEAST,

MAKE YOU SERIOUSLY RETHINK YOUR

ISLAND IN "ANIMAL CROSSING."

YOU HONESTLY THINK IT'S STILL

A GOOD IDEA TO LIVE IN CLOSE

PROXIMITY WITH A RACCOON,

AN OWL, A GORILLA, A TIGER,

A SHEEP, A KOALA, AN OCTOPUS,

A HAMSTER, A PENGUIN, A RHINO,

AND A CHICKEN NAMED GOOSE, ALL

OF WHOM TRAVELED THERE FROM

DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE WORLD?

THAT'S NOT AN ISLAND PARADISE --

IT'S A DISEASE CHERNOBYL WAITING

TO HAPPEN.

SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN!

AND LISTEN, I KNOW IT DOESN'T

SOUND GREAT WHENEVER SOMEONE,

PARTICULARLY WITH THIS ACCENT,

STARTS TUT-TUTTING ABOUT HOW

PEOPLE IN OTHER COUNTRIES FEED

THEMSELVES AND MAKE A LIVING.

AND FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, BEFORE

WE GO TELL EVERYONE ELSE WHAT TO

DO, WE MIGHT WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE

THAT OUR TRACK RECORD ON MIXING

ANIMALS ISN'T GREAT, EITHER.

ONE EXPERT THAT WE SPOKE TO SAID

A MAJOR CONCERN OF THEIRS IS

STATE FAIRS.

WHICH DOES KIND OF MAKE SENSE.

STATE AND AGRICULTURAL FAIRS

HAVE BEEN LINKED TO MULTIPLE

DISEASE OUTBREAKS, WITH ONE

IN 2012 THAT INFECTED OVER

300 PEOPLE -- MOSTLY CHILDREN --

ACROSS 10 STATES.

THAT PROBABLY EXPLAINS WHY

FAIRGOERS HAVE BEEN

REPEATEDLY WARNED,

"NO KISSING PIGS!"

AND LOOK, IT'S EASY TO THINK,

"COME ON, I'D NEVER KISS A PIG,"

BUT ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?

NOT YOU'RE SO SURE NOW, ARE YOU?

WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE RIGHT HERE?

NOW YOU'RE EVEN MORE CONFUSED.

AND HOW ABOUT THIS PIG?

EXACTLY, I THOUGHT SO.

I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS: THIS HOT

LITTLE PORK CHOP'S BEEN WATCHING

YOU FROM ACROSS THE BAR ALL

NIGHT.

IT IS DOWN FOR SOME STUFF.

AND AMERICA'S ACTUALLY

GROUND ZERO FOR ANOTHER

DANGEROUS PRACTICE:

FACTORY FARMING.

IT'S SOMETHING THAT STARTED

HERE, BUT HAS SINCE SKYROCKETED

AROUND THE WORLD, TO THE POINT

THAT FACTORY FARMS NOW SUPPLY

MORE THAN 90% OF MEAT GLOBALLY

AND 99% OF MEAT DOMESTICALLY.

IN FACTORY FARMS, LIVESTOCK ARE

BRED AND CONFINED IN WAYS THAT

CAN ENABLE VIRUSES TO SPREAD

AMONG THEM MUCH MORE EASILY.

>> WE HAVE SEVERAL THOUSAND HOGS

PACKED IN TOGETHER AND THEY'RE

ALL GENETICALLY LARGELY THE

SAME.

THAT SELECTS FOR THE MOST

VIRULENT PATHOGENS THAT ARE

POSSIBLE.

AND SO, IN THE COURSE OF

INDUSTRIALIZING LIVESTOCK

PRODUCTION, WE ARE ALSO

INDUSTRIALIZING THE PATHOGENS

THAT CIRCULATE AMONG THEM.

>> John: EXACTLY.

I KNOW IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE,

BUT THE COLD, MECHANIZED

FACTORIES THAT CRAM ANIMALS

TOGETHER BEFORE STAMPING THEIR

FLESH INTO PLASTIC MEAT-MOLDS

AND EJECTING THE OUTCOME INTO

SUPERMARKET FREEZER SECTIONS

ACROSS THE NATION MIGHT BE DOING

SOMETHING BAD.

AND WHEN YOU PUT ALL OF THIS

TOGETHER, IT DOES BEGIN TO SEEM

LIKE WE'RE ACTIVELY TRYING TO

START PANDEMICS.

WHICH BRINGS US TO THE OBVIOUS

QUESTION: HOW DO WE STOP DOING

THAT?

WELL, THE MOST EFFECTIVE WAY

WOULD BE TO CLOSE DOWN ALL

WILDLIFE MARKETS,

BAN FACTORY FARMING,

STOP EATING MEAT ALTOGETHER,

HALT DEFORESTATION, SHUT DOWN

ALL STATE FAIRS, AND DEFINITELY

TAKE AWAY PARIS HILTON'S

KINKAJOU.

BUT OBVIOUSLY, NONE OF THOSE ARE

GOING TO HAPPEN.

FOR ONE THING, WE KNOW THAT

KINKAJOU BITES.

BUT ALSO, DRACONIAN MEASURES ARE

JUST NOT GOING TO WORK HERE.

FOR INSTANCE, IF YOU ABOLISH

WILDLIFE MARKETS, THAT COULD

CAUSE FOOD SCARCITY, AND WOULD

LIKELY JUST LEAD TO AN EXPLOSION

IN BLACK MARKET TRADE OF

WILD ANIMALS.

THE REASON WE KNOW THAT IS,

THAT'S REPORTEDLY WHAT HAPPENED

WHEN CHINA ATTEMPTED JUST SUCH

A BAN IN 2003, IN RESPONSE TO

SARS.

WHICH IS NOT TO SAY THAT WE

SHOULDN'T TRY TO REDUCE HARMFUL

PRACTICES -- BECAUSE WE SHOULD.

MANY EXPERTS ARGUE FOR WHAT'S

CALLED A "ONE HEALTH"

PERSPECTIVE, WHERE WE

RECOGNIZE THAT THE HEALTH OF

HUMANS, ANIMALS, ENVIRONMENT,

ARE ALL CONNECTED, AND TAKE THAT

INTO ACCOUNT

WHEN MAKING

DECISIONS ON EVERYTHING FROM

ENVIRONMENTAL REGULATIONS TO

URBAN PLANNING.

AND THERE ARE GOING TO NEED TO

BE LOTS OF SMALLER SOLUTIONS,

TOO, WHICH WILL LOOK DIFFERENT

EVERYWHERE, BECAUSE, CRUCIALLY,

EVERYWHERE IS DIFFERENT.

TAKE THAILAND.

THEY'VE HAD SOME REAL SUCCESS

IN PREVENTING OUTBREAKS THERE BY

PROVIDING FARMERS WITH

A PHONE APP TO FLAG ANY PROBLEMS

THAT THEY SEE.

>> IT'S SIMILAR TO A POOR MAN'S

INSTAGRAM WITHOUT ANY FILTERS,

THAT HELPS THE VOLUNTEERS IN THE

VILLAGE TO SUBMIT ABNORMAL

HEALTH EVENTS IN REAL TIME.

>> YOU COULDN'T TRAIN EVERYONE

TO BE A HEALTH EXPERT BUT YOU

CAN TRAIN EVERYONE TO BE EYES

AND EARS.

>> John: THAT'S VERY CLEVER.

BECAUSE WITH THAT APP, FARMERS

THERE HAVE A WAY TO SPOT A

POSSIBLY SICK BIRD THAT COULD

INFORM BROADER PUBLIC POLICY.

WHICH ISN'T JUST EFFECTIVE

DISEASE PREVENTION, IT WAS ALSO

INTERESTINGLY THE WORKING TITLE

OF THIS SHOW.

THAT SCHEME HAS BEEN A SUCCESS,

PARTLY BECAUSE IT PRESERVES

PEOPLE'S LIVELIHOODS, AND ALIGNS

FARMERS' INTERESTS WITH THOSE OF

THEIR LARGER COMMUNITY.

AND THERE WILL BE THOUSANDS OF

SMALL IDEAS LIKE THAT, THAT

COULD END UP MAKING A REAL

DIFFERENCE.

AND LOOK, THERE'S NO DENYING

ALL OF THIS IS GOING TO COST

MONEY.

AND UNFORTUNATELY, SOME

SCIENTISTS DOUBT OUR APPETITE

FOR LONG-TERM SPENDING ON THIS.

JUST LISTEN TO THIS RESEARCHER

IN BRAZIL MAKE THAT EXACT POINT,

WHILE TAKING SAMPLES FROM BATS.

>> IT'S EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO

GET FUNDING FOR OUR KIND OF

RESEARCH.

NOW, DURING THE PANDEMIC, IT HAS

BEEN A LITTLE EASIER.

BUT AS SOON AS THE VIRUS CRISIS

IS OVER, OUR FINANCIAL WORRIES

WILL RETURN.

I'M NOT VERY OPTIMISTIC.

>> John: YEAH, THAT'S NOT GREAT.

"I'M NOT VERY OPTIMISTIC" ISN'T

WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR FROM

SOMEONE SCRAPING GERMS OUT OF A

BAT.

THAT'S A WOMAN WHO LITERALLY

KNOWS HER SHIT.

SO WE NEED TO SPEND HOWEVER MUCH

IS NECESSARY TO CHANGE HER

ANSWER.

AND I'M NOT SAYING THIS WILL BE

CHEAP; ONE ESTIMATE FOR THE

COST OF GLOBAL PREVENTION RUNS

BETWEEN $22 AND $31 BILLION

A YEAR.

BUT BEAR IN MIND,

EVEN IF IT WAS DOUBLE THAT,

THE COST OF COVID-19 IN THE U.S.

ALONE IS ESTIMATED TO BE OVER

$16 TRILLION.

SO, TO PUT IT MILDLY, IT'S

FUCKING WORTH IT.

AND I KNOW, RIGHT NOW, THAT

MIGHT SEEM OBVIOUS.

THE PROBLEM IS, AS WE COME OUT

THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS PANDEMIC,

THERE IS A REAL DANGER THAT

WE'RE GOING TO START TO GET

COMPLACENT.

SO FOR THE GOOD OF FUTURE

GENERATIONS -- AND IN ALL

LIKELIHOOD, US IN A FEW YEARS --

WE REALLY NEED TO REMEMBER THE

WAY WE FEEL RIGHT NOW AND INVEST

ACCORDINGLY.

BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS, YOU NEVER

KNOW WHERE THE NEXT PANDEMIC IS

GOING TO COME FROM.

>> HEY, Y'ALL!

REMEMBER ME?

I'M BACK!

AND I'M GONNA DO WHAT THE

CORONAVIRUS COULDN'T:

I'M GONNA KILL TOM HANKS!

>> John: PLEASE DON'T DO THAT,

VIRUS!

>> RITA WILSON, TOO!

THEY'RE GONNA CALL ME OLIVER'S

PLAGUE!

>> John: I REALLY DON'T WANT YOU

TO BE CALLED THAT.

>> OH, I THINK IT'S GOT A RING

TO IT!

>> John: I ABSOLUTELY DON'T.

THE POINT IS, WE HAVE GOT TO

REMEMBER THIS FEELING.

IT'S OUR ONLY HOPE.

THAT'S OUR SHOW.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING,

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK,

GOOD NIGHT.

>> OOH, JOHN, DO YOU THINK A

BUNCH OF CELEBRITIES WILL MAKE

A VIDEO OF THEMSELVES SINGING

"IMAGINE" WHEN I FIRST BREAK

OUT?

>> John: PROBABLY, TO BE

HONEST.

>> I'VE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU!

>> John: WHAT IS YOUR

SURPRISE?

>> I CAN SPREAD THROUGH ZOOM!

>> John: HOW CAN YOU SPREAD

THROUGH ZOOM?

>> NATURE'S FULL OF MIRACLES!

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I'M GOIN' TO DISNEYWORLD!

I'M GONNA GIVE EVERYONE BLOODY