Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 7, Episode 13 - Voting by Mail - full transcript

John explains the importance of voting by mail. Also, mass protests against police brutality erupt in Minneapolis, TV hosts inquire about the odd objects behind their stay-at-home guests, and John schools UFC president Dana White.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -

Welcome again to the show,
where I'm still stuck in this void.

I don't mean my body. I mention it,
scratch that, make it two white voids.

It's been a truly brutal week,
with protests across the country

in response to the horrific killing
of George Floyd

at the hands
of the Minneapolis Police.

There is a lot to discuss here:

how these protests are a response
to a legacy of police misconduct

both in Minneapolis
and in the nation at large,

and how that misconduct
is built on a legacy

of white supremacy that prioritizes
the comfort of white Americans

over the safety of people of color.

There is so much to say, some of it
complicated, much of it all too clear.

Or you could go on TV, open up
your mouth, and let this shit fall out.

Rioting is the one thing
you don't want.

Ugly opinions, police brutality,
officious bird watchers,

rude entitled ladies
walking their dogs in big city parks.

All of that is bad but none of it
is nearly as bad as what you saw.

Okay, first: fuck you, Tucker.
That's just a general point.

Second: saying "officious bird watcher"
is deeply offensive.

You're either trying to both-sides
that Central Park incident,

or insulting fans of this show,

who proudly call themselves
"officious bird watchers".

I am the officious bird.
They are the watchers.

Keep their name
out of your mouth !

But for the larger point here:

people like Tucker love to venerate
order at moments like this.

And that's easy to do when order,
in its current form,

is designed to benefit
and protect you.

But it's hard to overstate how
clearly we've been reminded lately

of the hostility of our existing
order toward black people,

who have been killed
by police on the street,

killed by police in their own home,
killed by wannabe police in the street,

and threatened with state
violence while literally birding.

Collectively, that has got to be some
sort of brutality bingo right there.

And when order results
in you lying face down on a lawn

while your grandma
stands between you and the police

who've pulled their guns on you
after you allegedly rolled a stop sign,

being lectured about the importance
of order at the expense of all else,

is just not what you want
to fucking hear right now.

And in the initial aftermath
of the killing of George Floyd,

the president tweeted condolences, but
you knew something worse was coming.

True enough, it soon did.

The president tweeted,
"These THUGS," all caps,

"are dishonoring
the memory of George Floyd,

and I won't let that happen.

Any difficulty and we will
assume control

but, when the looting starts,
the shooting starts."

Set aside that when a man like
Donald Trump uses the word "thugs"

you know exactly what it's code for.

"When the looting starts,
the shooting starts,"

is actually a quote from a notoriously
racist 1960s Miami Police chief.

And it is truly astounding

how Donald Trump
has managed to live nearly 74 years

with a remedial understanding
of spelling, grammar, geography,

science, civics, nutrition,
and child development,

and yet, he's the fucking
Library of Alexandria

when it comes to racist maxims
of the 20th century.

But for our main story tonight,
I'd like to talk

about how the president
spent the first half of his week.

Because in the midst of 40 million
Americans unemployed,

100 000 Americans dead,
and racial tensions boiling over,

he chose to spend his days
focusing on this.

President Trump overnight
taking to Twitter to take on Twitter,

along with other social media giants
for what he calls political bias.

It comes after Twitter,
for the first time,

added a fact check footnote
on two of his tweets

that called mail-in ballots
substantially fraudulent.

Twitter fact-checked
the president's tweets.

They're also apparently fact-checking
other tweets, but not all of them.

Because we just tweeted
"Luke is the best Hemsworth."

and so far, that has not been
flagged as a damaging lie.

Come on, Twitter ! Either your system
works or it doesn't !

It is a known
fact that the order goes

Chris Hemsworth, Liam Hemsworth,
no Hemsworths, then, Luke.

It is worth taking a look at the
statement that caused Twitter to act.

Trump's claim that voting by mail
in this year's elections

will be "substantially fraudulent."

He's tweeted about it a ridiculous
number of times in the last two months,

and he brings it up constantly.

Mail ballots are a very dangerous thing
for this country. They're cheaters.

They go and collect them.
They're fraudulent in many cases.

The mail ballots are corrupt,
in my opinion.

And they collect 'em, and they
get people to go in and sign 'em.

They're forgeries in many cases.
It's a horrible thing.

What he just said
there was complete bullshit

and actively harmful
to the democratic process.

But in a weird way, it's almost
comforting to hear him busting out

his classic 2016 hits about voter fraud
and rigged elections.

It brings you back to a simpler time,
doesn't it ?

When we could go to restaurants freely,
we had no idea what Zoom was,

and we were sure that an obviously
unqualified presidential candidate

was gonna lose in a historic landslide.

2016, you truly were the good old,
only-less-horrifying-in-context days.

And the thing is,
voting by mail is a popular idea.

70% of us are in favor of allowing any
voter to vote by mail if they want to.

And if this pandemic continues into
the fall, as it almost certainly will,

many voters
will want to do exactly that.

Because think about it: holding
an in-person election during a pandemic

is an absolute nightmare.

Elections involve
hundreds of people

cycling in and out
of an enclosed location.

Plus, polling places are often
located in communal buildings,

like schools and nursing homes, and
many of those are out of the question.

Even keeping poll workers safe
can be difficult.

According to one estimate,
while the typical voter

may encounter only about 20 other
people when they go to the polls,

the typical poll worker
will encounter about 700.

And many are understandably
concerned about that.

I never thought I'd say this in my time
but this scares me, this kind of thing.

For McGhee and a majority of poll
workers, they're in their 60s or 70s.

Health experts say this age group
is among some of the most vulnerable.

Even if we have a line of 10 people,

how are we gonna keep everybody
safe from the germs ?

We have a touch screen. We'll have
to wipe that down every time.

Are we supposed to have people
bring their own pencil ?

No, of course not !

And not just because
they shouldn't have to,

but also, who the hell
owns a fully functioning pencil ?

You might have one with a usable
eraser, but an unusable tip.

Or, maybe you have one with
a sharpened tip, but the eraser's gone.

Or maybe you've got
one with a functioning tip,

but the eraser's all hard
and leaves a brown streak on the paper.

And yeah, you could sharpen
any of these pencils, but with what ?

A pencil sharpener ?
You don't own one of those !

Unless you do, in which case,
just answer me this: where is it ?

If you think you're prepared to bring
a working pencil to a polling station,

then you are living
in a fucking fantasy world !

That woman decided
not to work her state's primary

out of fear for her safety,
and many voters share her concerns.

Not all state officials are addressing
those concerns especially well.

Just listen to Missouri's governor
Mike Parson

offer advice ahead
of next week's local elections there.

I hope people feel safe
but to go out and vote,

but if they don't,
the number one thing is their safety

should be number one.

So, if they don't,
then don't go out and vote.

I don't know
I've ever heard myself say that,

but if you didn't feel safe,
then I wouldn't do that.

Hold on there !
Voting is a right !

It has to be easy to understand
and accessible to everyone,

unlike, say, HBO Max.

What the fuck is that, by the way ?
Does anyone actually know ?

How do I get it ?
I'm on it and I don't know.

And why is it so purple ?

It's like I'm watching television
from inside Grimace's asshole.

And not in a good way.

There are a lot of ways
to mitigate the dangers here,

but perhaps the biggest is expanding
the option to vote by mail.

The thing that Trump lies about often,
Twitter finally decided to step in.

So let's take a look at why the option
of voting by mail is so necessary,

why concerns
about it are often overblown,

and why talking about it right now
is actually really important.

And let's start with the fact that we
actually have a pretty good lesson

for just how badly an election
during a pandemic can be bungled,

thanks to Wisconsin.

They held their primary last month,

and it was absolute chaos partly
because their Democratic governor

had tried to delay it,
only to be thwarted

by the Republican-controlled
state legislature and Supreme Court.

And the Republican assembly speaker,
Robin Vos, tried to reassure people

that everything was safe
while volunteering at a polling place.

But something about how he delivered
that message was a little unconvincing.

You think voting in person
is putting people at risk today ?

I don't. I say to myself that we have
every single opportunity to be safe.

Do you, Robin ?

Because you're sending
two very different messages there.

Your mouth is saying, "Don't worry,
everything's safe and cool,"

but it's being slightly undercut by the fact
your dress code is Chernobyl casual.

And unsurprisingly,
many didn't buy his assurances.

Due to safety concerns,

there was a massive reduction
of polling sites in some big cities,

with Milwaukee's 180 polling sites
being reduced down to just five,

resulting in massive lines.

Adding to chaos was the fact a record
number of mail ballots were requested,

hundreds of which
never arrived or arrived late.

All of which resulted in sights like
this immunocompromised woman

casting her ballot
while wearing a garbage bag.

No one should have to wear a garbage
bag because they're trying to vote.

You should only have to wear one

because you're trying to shed excess
water weight so you look extra-jacked.

I haven't stopped my pump routine
just because of the lockdown.

I still catch the diesel
express every day,

the sun don't shine before this
swole-ar eclipse runs its course.

You might as well put me in a tortilla
with some salsa and lime,

because my beef is shredded.

Having been put into this position,

you can kind of understand why the
voters in Wisconsin were so pissed.

This is so wrong. This election
should have been called off.

They're telling us to stay in the house
and stand six feet from each other.

But one of the most important times,
they're forcing us to come in a group,

stop playing politics with our lives.

That must've been frustrating.

You can't pretend the virus has stopped
for a day in order to hold an election.

It doesn't give a fuck
about democracy.

It's just one of the many ways

that Covid-19 is the Donald Trump
of infectious diseases.

It's also weirdly shaped

and disproportionately harmful
to minorities.

And remember:
that was just a primary.

November's general election
will have a much higher turnout.

How do we prevent
what happened in Wisconsin

from happening 50 times over ?

One obvious answer
is to make it easier to vote by mail.

But some argue that that's
a dangerously radical proposition.

Everyone's afraid.
Everyone's rethinking how we do things.

Should we do it a new way ?
We should be open-minded.

Why haven't we had mail-in ballots
for the last 230 years ?

Maybe the reason
is mail-in ballots

are an invitation
to widespread fraud and manipulation.

If you want to rattle people's faith in
the system that we've had for centuries

maybe you would do that,
I don't know.

You don't know ? First off, Tucker,
thanks so much for admitting that.

One of the biggest problems
with modern discourse

is that people think
admitting a lack of knowledge

is a sign of weakness,
when it's not ! Is it ?

It's how we learn
and grow as individuals.

So, it's really heartening
to see someone in your position

admit that they don't have
all the facts.

Facts like, for instance, that we've
had voting by mail since the Civil War

and that one in four Americans

cast a mail ballot
in the last two federal elections.

Your premise that voting by mail is a
new idea that would shatter democracy

is, in fact, completely wrong
and deeply stupid.

That's not a reflection on you,
though-is it ?

You engaged in a dialogue
in good faith, so thank you.

Unless you weren't doing that,
in which case:

go fuck yourself,
you human boat shoe.

So the question isn't, "Should
we have voting by mail at all ?"

because we already do.

It's "How hard
should we make it ?"

Depending on where you live,
the answer can vary widely.

If you live in these five states,
congratulations !

You already have universal,
all-mail voting,

where a ballot is automatically sent
to every eligible voter.

If you live in these 29 states,

you can request
an absentee ballot for any reason.

If you live in these 16 states,

you do have to provide
a reason to vote absentee,

and while these 11 have,
at least in some cases,

allowed the "fear of coronavirus"
to be a valid one,

these five states have not.

Also, almost no states
have decided whether or not

it'll be a valid excuse
for the general election this November.

And that's not even getting
into some of the other restrictions,

the most ridiculous
of which is Alabama,

where to vote absentee,

you have to submit
a photocopy of your photo ID,

in addition to signing it
before a notary or two witnesses.

And the argument for putting limits
on voting by mail

is that if you don't do that,
people will just cheat.

Think about the voter
re-the registration records

in states
that have not been purged.

By that, I mean, dead people
have not been removed.

You can request
an absentee ballot in that name,

have it mailed to a different
address saying you moved,

but you know the person's dead,

and then say you're back
at the old address and go and vote.

Okay. Now, while that might
sound plausible to you at first,

think how many steps you'd have to take
to successfully make that happen.

You have to know a dead person,
that's hard to do, they're antisocial.

You have to know they were registered
to vote when they were alive.

You have to fill out a form
to request an absentee ballot

be mailed to your address
instead of theirs.

To do that, you'd likely have to re-do
their entire voter registration.

Which would require you
to know personal information:

address, date of birth, the last
four digits of their Social Security,

and their driver's license number
and date when it was issued.

But let's say that you do all of this
and you get their ballot in the mail.

You have to know what
the dead person's signature looks like

to convincingly forge it
because it could be compared

to their signature
already on file.

You had better hope
that notification of their death

never reaches the elections office
through any of the routes it could,

as, despite what Judge Jeanine
would have you believe,

voter rolls go through periodic
list maintenance,

including cross checking
Social Security death records.

And having done all of this,

and, remember,
told authorities where you live,

if you're caught,
you're risking several felonies,

which in many states
involve prison time,

all to gain the grand total
of one vote.

It is a crime that's difficult,
high-risk and low reward.

It's as if at the end of "Ocean's 8",
we learned that Sandra Bullock

had gone to all the trouble
to steal a map of state quarters.

Sandra, why ?
That's $12.50 worth of quarters.

That's a complete waste of your time,
Cate Blanchett's time,

and, most importantly,
Rihanna's time.

Fraud can happen in mail-in voting.
Opponents love to cite

a 2005 bipartisan report
that said absentee ballots

remain the largest source
of potential voter fraud.

But what they don't mention is,
that in practice,

it's still incredibly rare.

In Oregon in 2016, out of the more
than two million votes cast by mail,

there were just 54 cases
of suspected voter fraud.

That is 0.002 percent.

And to hear Oregon's
former secretary of state tell it,

there's a pretty good
explanation for that.

The vast majority of Oregonians
don't care about politics

to the level that they're willing
to risk prison time for it.

Yeah, of course they don't !

The only vote Oregonians would risk
prison over

would be a vote to get
Portland Trail Blazer Damian Lillard

into the MVP conversation.

They'd be right to do that.
Dame D.O.L.L.A for life.

I am not saying
that voting by mail is perfect.

Mailed ballots are rejected at a higher
rate than those cast in person.

And it doesn't work
for all communities.

Some people with disabilities
need to go to an in-person voting place

for help casting a ballot and places
like Native American reservations

and remote Alaskan villages may
have unreliable postal service.

Plus, if you vote by mail,
you probably don't get

one of those "I Voted" stickers,
which, if you live in Louisiana,

means you might not have got
this actual sticker,

featuring a truly excellent pelican.

Look at this absolute king.

It's hard to pick my favorite part
of this: his steely blue gaze,

his crown that says: "The state of
Louisiana has a monarch, and I am it"

or his prominently-displayed

despite not having
any ears to speak of.

No question here,
that large water bird fucks.

What an incredible motivator
to get out and vote in Louisiana,

that will backfire when
everyone writes in that pelican

as their choice for governor.

But, advocates argue that vote
by mail is still a good idea

that would reduce obstacles
to civic participation.

But that, in and of itself,

may be why it's become
so controversial.

Conservative opponents
often speculate

that any increased participation
would benefit Democrats,

despite the fact researchers
have consistently found

that it hasn't obviously helped
one party or the other.

And yet, some are willing to go
to extremes to fight this.

Texas's AG threatened to prosecute
anyone who encouraged people

to get an absentee ballot because
they were afraid of the coronavirus.

And the lieutenant governor there

has been doing some truly
Trump-caliber level fear mongering.

When you have an opportunity
to steal a vote,

the Democrats will take advantage of it
and this is what it's all about.

There is no reason,
capital "N", capital "O",

that anyone
under 65 should be able to say:

"I'm afraid to go vote."
Have they been to a grocery store ?

To Walmart ? To Lowe's ?
To Home Depot ?

Have they
been afraid to go out of their house ?

This is a scam by the Democrats
to steal the election.

Far be it for me to challenge
the wisdom of a well-read guy

whose bookshelf is only
half-occupied by footballs,

but going to the grocery store
doesn't mean people aren't afraid,

it means they need to eat.

At a certain point,
hunger outweighs fear.

Which is also, incidentally,
the official slogan of Taco Bell.

even in states that try to fight it,

the odds are that there will be more
people voting by mail come this fall.

Which brings us to our final point:
how will states handle that ?

First, they need money, fast.

Some estimate the costs of properly
running the 2020 elections,

during the pandemic,
could reach $4 billion.

Unfortunately, the CARES Act
directed just $400 million to states,

which is just
nowhere near enough.

And this funding
needs to come quickly.

Some jurisdictions
are going to struggle

to handle a high volume
of mail ballots.

Take the swing state
of Pennsylvania,

which only had 107 000 absentee
ballots in their 2016 primary,

but received applications
for over 1.8 million this year.

And coping with surges
like that won't be easy,

it could require hiring and training
dozens of workers to process ballots

or purchasing machinery costing up
to a million dollars per unit.

If you are going to do that,
you need to decide right now,

because machines like high-speed
scanners and sorters

can take several months
to order and safely install.

All of which makes it more
than a little concerning that some,

like Missouri Governor Mike Parson,
the man you saw earlier,

telling voters to stay at home
if they didn't feel safe,

some of them have argued
that everyone should relax,

because there's just no rush
to deal with this.

Right now, it's about repair
or being prepared for Covid-19,

doing what we can for that.

It's about getting the economy started,
people going back to work.

There'll be time to talk about
the elections in November and August

but now's not the time for that,
there'll be time for that.

But now is absolutely
the time to talk about this.

You can not prepare for an election

the same way you update
your computer's software:

by just putting it off for months
on end and secretly hoping

that maybe you'll be dead before
you have to deal with it.

We need to get this right, now !

And it doesn't stop there. Officials
should also be communicating to voters

how to get a mail-in ballot,
when they need to do it by

and how to properly fill it out.

There's actually one last thing

that we may need to personally
prepare ourselves for,

and that is that in November,
if there is, as seems likely,

a surge in mail-in voting,

it may take much longer
for all the ballots to be counted.

We may not know who's won until
a few days after Election Day

and if it doesn't look good
for Donald Trump,

look for him to use that to sow
discord among his supporters.

I'm just kidding, of course,
he'll win in a landslide.

His speech will be taking a shit
on the stage to thunderous applause.

That's really in keeping
with the vibe 2020 has set so far.

But regardless, there are a few things
that you can do here.

If your state
does allow voting by mail,

you can request and return
your absentee ballot early.

This will help flatten the curve
of vote-tabulating on Election Day.

And as a reminder,
if you need a stamp,

these little beauties are available
for two more weeks.

There's one last problem that
we may be able to help you with here

because if the thing that's stopping
you from voting by mail

is not being able
to get a fun free sticker,

we have you covered there.

We've designed four of them
that you can print out at home,

including one that says:

"I Wanted People To Know I Voted
By Mail So I Printed Out This Sticker",

one that says: "I Voted By Male" with
an image of this hamster in a Speedo,

one featuring a ghost with an X
through it and the caption:

"I'm Not Dead And I Voted By Mail !"

Finally, in the spirit of Louisiana,
one featuring this emu

wearing a top hat with a nose ring
for no reason whatsoever.

All of these are available for you
at IVotedByMail-dot-com.

I would seriously consider doing it.
Because if you vote by mail,

not only will you be exercising
your civic duty,

you'll also be making
Tucker Carlson really fucking mad.

What better incentive is there
to do absolutely anything than that ?

And now this.

TV Hosts Want To Know:
What's That Behind You ?

What is that behind you, Kenny ?

This is my collage wall that I started
'cause I was a little bored.

Wait ! Is there a cat peeking out
behind you ?

I'm a crazy cat lady, thank you
for announcing that on TV, Mark.

What is that behind you ?

My son Alden set that up and I didn't
have it in me right now to move it.

What is that behind you ?
I'm trying to figure out what that is.

I got quotations for,
in the plumbing industry

for condos
and commercial buildings.

Okay, we got to the bottom of that.

What is that behind you,
the steering wheel ?

Is that a clock or what ?
I'm trying to figure out what that is.

It's a clock, it's a steering wheel,
you know I love cars. Right ?

When I saw it, I said:
"That thing is mine."

So, I had to get it. Pier 1 Imports,
it was half price on New Year's Day.

Be careful, don't want
your kids or Ginger to fall.

They've got two Hot Wheels
on that platform behind you.

What do we call what's
behind you right now ?

Who is that behind you ?

We interrupt a pool game
behind you there ?

Did you get a flower delivery ?
There's a lot of flowers behind you.

I kind of like the idea of seeing
where people live.

I don't. People are all in your:
"What's that behind you ?"

I didn't ask you to come into my home.
This is an extenuating circumstance.

I'm trying to just do my job.


Do you have any pictures of me
in your bookcase there ?

You've been looking at my bookcase ?

Who's in the forest shot there ?

Moving on. Finally tonight,
a quick word about the UFC,

the best place to watch grown adults
fight each other in an enclosed space

other than at Thanksgiving.

On our last episode, we covered
how the world of sports is reacting

to the coronavirus and we mentioned
that the UFC's president, Dana White,

planned to stage fights on a private
island to skirt travel restrictions.

It wasn't just that idea
that we found ridiculous,

it was the name they chose for it.

The UFC is apparently building
a facility on a private island

that they're calling "Fight Island".

Now, is that a clever name ? No.
Is it the perfect name ? Yes.

It's the first thought
an idiot would have

if they wanted to name a private
island where fights happen.

He didn't even go with the obvious name
for an island where you stage fights,

which is simply, UF-SEA.

Look at me, Dana. Why didn't you
just call it UF-SEA ? It's perfect.

and I absolutely stand by that.

It looks like I'm not the only one

who thinks that it's a better name
than Fight Island.

Just two days
after our show aired,

UFC filed trademark applications
for the term "UF-SEA."

Dana White even confirmed
that it wasn't a coincidence.

What's his name ?
The guy that came out and said...

Yeah. John Oliver
came out and did that piece,

with some selective facts
about what we had done in Florida

and all that stuff and UFC.

I told my lawyers after that: "See if
the trademarks are there for UFSEA."

Obviously did and obviously
you guys know about it.

Did we get 'em ?

Yeah, I think we got it.
Thanks, John Oliver.

Dana White intentionally forgetting
my name is a truly excellent neg.

Or, rather, it would be,
if he weren't only number 83

on GQ's list of the 100 most powerful
bald men in the world from 2013.

Now that is a neg, right there !
You got beat by Jason Alexander.

You got Costanza-ed.

Look, much more importantly:
I'm not remotely mad here.

I want you to use that name.

I think you should let us rename
all of your events,

because frankly,
you're not very good at it.

Take UFC 249.
It's just your logo plus a number.

Where's the pizzazz there ?
How about this: "UFC: Knuckle Opera ?"

Or: "Dust-Up At The Beef Factory ?"
Or: "Large Hamboy Collider ?"

Better, right ? Who doesn't want
to see some hamboys collide now ?

Even the name "Dana White"
could use a little punch-up.

Doesn't sound like the head
of the Ultimate Fighting Championship.

It sounds like the third-best
real estate agent in Sacramento

or a video where a white woman

calls the cops on a black family
for smiling too hard.

Here are some name
improvements for you, free of charge:

Dumps McFightman, Lug Steakface,
Spamiel Musclemilk, Skull Brisket,

Tummybuns Bin Laden,
Rufus T. Namethief,

or my personal favorite: Doug.

Just Doug. No last name
like Cher and Madonna.

That's the Dougest Doug I've ever
seen, maximum Dougness right there.

I am not mad at Tug Slabmeat
for stealing our idea for "UFSEA".

We may not even be the first person
he's stolen from.

He only filed for the "Fight Island"
trademark a week after

a TMZ reporter suggested to him
that he call it that.

The only thing that he's done
here that annoyed me

was accusing us
of using "selective facts".

Because facts are to me what other
people's ideas are to Dana White,

something I'm very passionate about.

What apparently upset him
was that in our piece,

we pointed out that three people,
a UFC fighter and his two cornermen,

all tested positive for coronavirus
before a recent event,

underscoring the fact that it seems
impossible to return to sports

completely without risk right now.

White responded on Twitter, saying:
"We had 3 events, NOT 1",

which is completely irrelevant,
and that those three positives

came from 11-hundred tests,

which does seem to minimize it
until you learn that all those tests

were administered to just 300 people.

Dana was quoting a larger number

to make the positive result
look less significant,

which seems like,
I dunno, a selective fact.

I think Dana White's just
looking for a fight here.

I'm almost certain that he is, because
he's literally trademarked the phrase:

"Dana White Lookin' for a Fight."

That's real and, as we learned when
looking up his filing for "UFSEA",

it's just one of the many phrases
he's trademarked in the past.

There's "Fight Library",
which is excellent,

"Chicken Monster",
which is somehow even better

and "Baddest Motherfucker",

which I always assumed
was owned by Samuel L. Jackson.

Although, UFC's filing for that
cites only a handful of potential uses,

among them "toy figures"
and "action figures".

It's the perfect phrase
to have on a child's toy.

That does make you wonder

whether it's legal to put that phrase
onto other objects.

Would Dana White sue you

if you put it on something
not covered by his trademark ?

A mug, for instance ?
I guess we'll never know, will we ?

Cheers, Dana ! Cheers to you.

When we started looking deeper,

we also realized that there's
a number of trademarks

that they've applied for and got
and then let expire.

My favorite of which
is "You Will Submit",

which they trademarked
for use on baby booties,

fanny packs and walking canes.

Because nothing says I'm gonna
beat you into submission

like a baby with a cane
wearing a fanny pack.

Since Dana took something
that we came up with,

we're going to return the favor.

Guess who is now officially
in the process of owning

the trademark
"You Will Submit" ?

I'll give you a clue:
it's got two thumbs,

it's sheltering in a white void and
it's about to sell this baby onesie,

which you can find at

Who's the baddest
motherfucker now, Dana ?

That's our show, thank you
so much for watching.

We'll see you next week,
good night ! Buy a onesie. Do it !