Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 7, Episode 11 - Coronavirus VII - full transcript

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John: HELLO THERE, AND

WELCOME TO THE SHOW, STILL

TAKING PLACE INSIDE THIS VOID,

WHICH I'VE ACTUALLY NICKNAMED

"MOMMY."

WHY HAVE I DONE THAT?

WELL, BECAUSE IT'S WHITE,

CHILLY, AND WANTS ME OUT OF IT

AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, EVERYONE!

NOW, OBVIOUSLY, MANY OF US ARE



STILL WORKING FROM HOME.

EVEN THE SUPREME COURT IS

HEARING ARGUMENTS REMOTELY.

AND THIS WEEK, IT SEEMS THEY HAD

A LITTLE MISHAP.

WHAT THE FTC HAS SAID IS THAT

WHEN...

THE SUBJECT MATTER OF THE

CALL RANGES TO THE TOPIC, THEN

THE CALL IS TRANSFORMED.

John: YEAH, SOMEONE

APPARENTLY FLUSHED A TOILET

DURING THE ORAL ARGUMENTS.

AND LOOK, I GET WORKING FROM



HOME IS A BIT OF AN ADJUSTMENT,

BUT THERE'S SIMPLY NO EXCUSE FOR

THAT LEVEL OF UNPROFESS...

GODDAMNIT!

NOT NOW!

DADDY'S FILMING THE SHOW!

NO POOPING ON SHOW DAYS!

WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS:

WE ONLY POOP ON TUESDAYS.

THAT IS IT.

TUESDAYS, WE POOP ALL DAY.

ON FRIDAYS, WE ALL DRAW CARDS,

AND IF YOU PULL THE ACE OF

SPADES, YOU CAN DO A BONUS POOP.

BUT WE DO!

NOT!

POOP!

ON!

SHOW DAYS!

EVER!

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

IT WAS ANOTHER BUSY WEEK FOR THE

WHITE HOUSE, ALTHOUGH

REFRESHINGLY, ONE OF THE BIGGEST

PIECES OF NEWS WAS NOT ACTUALLY

CORONAVIRUS RELATED:

29 MONTHS AFTER LEAVING THIS

COURTHOUSE IN SHAME FOLLOWING

PLEADING GUILTY TO LYING TO THE

FBI, THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT THAT

CONVICTED MICHAEL FLYNN NOW

SEEKING TO THROW OUT THE CASE.

A CRIME CANNOT BE ESTABLISHED

HERE.

THEY DID NOT HAVE A BASIS FOR A

COUNTERINTELLIGENCE

INVESTIGATION AGAINST FLYNN AT

THAT STAGE.

DOES THE FACT REMAIN THAT HE

LIED?

WELL, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE

SOMETIMES PLEAD TO THINGS THAT

TURN OUT NOT TO BE CRIMES.

John: YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.

SOMETIMES PEOPLE DO PLEAD TO

THINGS THAT TURN OUT NOT TO BE

CRIMES.

BUT SOMETIMES THEY PLEAD TO

THINGS THAT ARE, LIKE, I DUNNO,

LYING TO THE FBI, WHICH IS, IN A

VERY REAL SENSE, A FUCKING

CRIME.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT IF

FLYNN HAD PLED GUILTY TO, LET'S

SAY, CONSTANTLY DISPLAYING THE

FACIAL EXPRESSION OF SOMEONE

WHOSE LUNCH BURRITO ISN'T

SITTING QUITE RIGHT, OR LOOKING

LIKE G.I. JOE'S EMOTIONALLY

WITHHOLDING FATHER.

THOSE AREN'T CRIMES.

LYING TO THE FBI, HOWEVER, IS.

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU CONSIDER

THAT WHAT FLYNN WAS LYING ABOUT

WAS HIS CONTACTS WITH A RUSSIAN

OFFICIAL AND THE FBI WAS IN THE

MIDST OF A RUSSIAN

COUNTERINTELLIGENCE

INVESTIGATION.

AND ALL THIS IS PARTICULARLY

WORRYING BECAUSE THIS WAS A CASE

BROUGHT BY SPECIAL COUNSEL

ROBERT MUELLER, AND THE WHOLE

POINT OF HAVING A SPECIAL

COUNSEL INVESTIGATE WAS TO KEEP

THE PROCESS FREE FROM CONFLICTS

OF INTEREST.

BY DROPPING THESE CHARGES, BARR

COULD BE SETTING A DANGEROUS

PRECEDENT, THAT A PRESIDENT

COULD NOT JUST PARDON THE

SUBJECT OF AN INVESTIGATION BUT

HAVE HIS APPOINTEES INVALIDATE

THE INVESTIGATION ITSELF.

IT'S A TRULY UNHEARD-OF THING

FOR AN ATTORNEY GENERAL TO DO,

BUT BARR REALLY DOESN'T SEEM TO

GIVE A FUCK.

WHEN HISTORY LOOKS BACK ON

THIS DECISION, HOW DO YOU THINK

IT WILL BE WRITTEN?

WELL, HISTORY IS WRITTEN BY

THE WINNERS, SO IT LARGELY

DEPENDS ON...

WHO'S WRITING THE HISTORY.

John: WOW!

NOW, IF I WERE THE PRESIDENT'S

LACKEY TRYING TO TWIST THE

JUSTICE SYSTEM TO HIS WILL, I

MIGHT HAVE ANSWERED THAT SIMPLE

QUESTION WITH SOMETHING LIKE

"HISTORY WILL SHOW THIS WAS THE

RIGHT DECISION, " OR " IT WAS A

TOUGH CALL BUT JUSTICE WAS

SERVED."

IT TAKES A SPECIAL KIND OF

ARROGANCE FOR THE NATION'S TOP

LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIAL TO SAY,

"ACTUALLY, HISTORY IS A LIE WE

TELL OURSELVES AS WE FALL

ASLEEP AT NIGHT, THE WORLD IS

NOTHING BUT FORMLESS CHAOS, AND

THERE IS NO TRUTH BUT THAT WHICH

THE STRONG IMPOSE UPON THE WEAK.

YOU GET IT, RIGHT?

YOU DEFINITELY GET IT."

AS FOR THE PRESIDENT HIMSELF, HE

SPENT THE WEEK CONTINUING TO

MANAGE THE OPTICS ON HIS

INABILITY TO MANAGE THE

CORONAVIRUS, EVEN TRAVELING TO A

MASK FACTORY, WHERE HE MADE THE

CONSPICUOUS CHOICE NOT TO WEAR A

MASK, PROMPTING AN ENTIRELY

REASONABLE QUESTION THE NEXT

DAY.

MR. PRESIDENT, YESTERDAY WE

WENT TO ARIZONA, AND YOU HAD

SAID BEFORE THE TRIP THAT YOU

WOULD LIKELY WEAR A MASK AT THE

MASK FACTORY.

YOU ENDED UP NOT WEARING ONE.

WELL, I ACTUALLY DID HAVE

ONE.

WE DIDN'T SEE YOU WITH A MASK

ON.

WELL, I CAN'T HELP IT IF YOU

DIDN'T SEE ME.

John: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?

"I CAN'T HELP IT IF YOU DIDN'T

SEE ME"?

OF COURSE YOU CAN.

IT'S A PHOTO OP.

THE WHOLE POINT IS TO SHOW THEM

THE THING THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED

TO BE DOING.

STILL, I WILL SAY THIS, FOR ALL

TRUMP'S IDEOLOGICAL WAVERING

OVER THE YEARS, ONE THING HAS

REMAINED CONSISTENT: HE'S NEVER

USED PROTECTION, AND HE'S NEVER

NOT BEEN AN ASSHOLE ABOUT IT

AFTERWARDS.

BUT TRUMP'S REFUSAL TO WEAR A

FACE MASK, DESPITE THE FACT

THAT, SINCE APRIL 3, THE CDC HAS

RECOMMENDED EVERYONE WEAR THEM,

SEEMS ESPECIALLY UNWISE, GIVEN

THAT MULTIPLE WHITE HOUSE

STAFFERS HAVE NOW TESTED

POSITIVE, WHICH, IN TURN, MAKES

ONE OF THE MUSIC CHOICES FOR

THAT MASK FACTORY TOUR EVEN

GRIMMER.

THIS IS THE MATERIAL THAT

TRAPS THE PARTICULATES...

♪ LIVE AND LET DIE ♪

♪ LIVE AND LET DIE ♪

John: YEAH.

THAT WAS THE GUNS 'N ROSES COVER

OF THE SONG "LIVE AND LET DIE,"

WHICH IS ABOUT AS ON THE NOSE A

SOUNDTRACK CHOICE AS YOU CAN GET

WITHOUT PLAYING THE

DEAD KENNEDYS' "KILL THE POOR."

AND IT'S A WEIRD CHOICE OF SONG

NO MATTER WHAT, BUT IT'S

ESPECIALLY WEIRD GIVEN THAT

AXL ROSE IS NO FAN OF THIS

ADMINISTRATION, EVEN TWEETING

THE VERY NEXT DAY, "IT'S

OFFICIAL!

WHATEVER ANYONE MAY HAVE

PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT OF

STEVE MNUCHIN, HE'S OFFICIALLY

AN ASSHOLE."

WHICH KICKED OFF AN INCREDIBLE

EXCHANGE IN WHICH MNUCHIN

RESPONDED BY WRITING, "WHAT HAVE

YOU DONE FOR YOUR COUNTRY

LATELY," ACCOMPANIED BY THE

LIBERIAN FLAG, TO WHICH AXL ROSE

THEN REPLIED, IN A SINGLE

SENTENCE, "MY BAD, I DIDN'T GET

WE'RE HOPING TO EMULATE

LIBERIA'S ECONOMIC MODEL, BUT ON

THE REAL, UNLIKE THIS ADMIN, I'M

NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR 70K PLUS

DEATHS N' UNLIKE YOU I DON'T

HOLD A FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

POSITION OF RESPONSIBILITY TO

THE AMERICAN PEOPLE N' GO ON TV

TELLIN' THEM TO TRAVEL TO THE

U.S. DURING A PANDEMIC."

AND THERE ARE MANY AMAZING

THINGS ABOUT THAT, BUT MOST OF

ALL, YOU GOT TO RESPECT AXL'S

COMMITMENT TO THE "N'."

I BET HE TAKES HIS COFFEE WITH

MILK N' SUGAR.

WHEN HE GETS DRESSED, HE LIKES

TO PUT ON A T-SHIRT N' KILT.

AND I BET HIS FAVORITE BOOK IS

"HARRY POTTER N' THE PRISONER OF

AZKABAN."

BECAUSE HE'S A PROFESSIONAL, AND

HIS ART IS HIS LIFE.

BUT UNFORTUNATELY, TRUMP'S

CAVALIER ATTITUDE SEEMS TO BE

TRICKLING DOWN, BECAUSE SOME

STATES ARE NOW LETTING

STAY-AT-HOME ORDERS EXPIRE, EVEN

THOUGH MANY OF THEM DON'T MEET

THE FEDERAL GUIDELINES

SUGGESTING THEY ONLY REOPEN ONCE

CASES BEGIN TO DECLINE.

AND WHILE THAT WILL ALMOST

CERTAINLY PUT AMERICAN LIVES AT

RISK, TRUMP'S NEW TACTIC IS TO

FRAME THAT AS A POSITIVE.

ALL PEOPLE ARE WARRIORS IN

THIS COUNTRY.

RIGHT NOW, WE'RE ALL WARRIORS.

YOU'RE WARRIORS, WE'RE WARRIORS.

YOU CAN BE WITH SOMEBODY,

EVERYTHING IS FINE, AND THEN

SOMETHING HAPPENS TO THAT

PERSON, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU

TEST POSITIVE.

AND WE'RE ALL WARRIORS TOGETHER.

I AM.

YOU ARE.

WE ALL ARE.

John: OH, ARE WE?

THAT'S INTERESTING.

BECAUSE WE DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE

TO BE WARRIORS.

AND TO THE EXTENT THAT WE ARE,

YOU DON'T NEED TO BE THROWING US

INTO BATTLE UNARMED BEFORE WE

HAVE MECHANISMS SET UP TO TEST,

ISOLATE, AND TRACE CASES OF THE

VIRUS.

YOU CAN'T JUST CALL EVERYONE

"WARRIORS" AND MAKE THEIR DEATHS

NOT COUNT.

YOU GET THE SENSE THAT, IF GOD

HAD TOLD TRUMP ABOUT THE FLOOD,

HE WOULDN'T HAVE BOTHERED

BUILDING THE ARK, HE WOULD HAVE

JUST TRIED TO CONVINCE THE

ANIMALS THEY'RE ALL FISH.

"WE'RE ALL FISH TOGETHER NOW.

I'M A FISH, YOU'RE A FISH, WE'RE

ALL FISH."

AND TRUMP'S ALLIES ARE BEHIND

HIM ON THIS CALL TO ACTION.

ONE OF HIS FAVORITE FOX NEWS

HOSTS, PETE HEGSETH, SEEN HERE

SHOWING OFF THE CARCASS OF AN

AMERICAN FLAG HE MURDERED, TOOK

THAT IDEA AND RAN WITH IT.

I DO THINK YOU'RE GONNA NEED

THAT KIND OF ETHOS AND THAT

SPIRIT TO PUT FREEDOM BEFORE

FEAR.

HEALTHY PEOPLE GETTING OUT

THERE, THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO

HAVE SOME COURAGE.

AND SO I THINK THAT SPIRIT, THE

AMERICAN SPIRIT FRANKLY IS... IS

IN FULL SUPPLY AND READY TO GO.

John: OH, YEAH, THE AMERICAN

SPIRIT IS ABSOLUTELY IN FULL

SUPPLY, IF BY "AMERICAN SPIRIT"

YOU MEAN "GHOSTS."

BECAUSE WE'RE CHURNING OUT

GHOSTS LIKE IT'S 1918, BABY.

WE ARE POSITIVELY SWIMMING IN

ECTOPLASM.

I'M TELLING YOU, IF YOU COULD

WIPE YOUR ASS WITH GHOSTS, THE

AMERICAN PEOPLE WOULD TRULY WANT

FOR NOTHING RIGHT NOW.

THE THING IS, ALL THIS TALK OF

AMERICANS BEING "BRAVE WARRIORS"

SEEMS DESIGNED TO MAKE US ACCEPT

DEATHS THAT WE SHOULD BE TRYING

TO PREVENT.

AND YET THIS ADMINISTRATION

SEEMS, AT TIMES, TO BE ACTIVELY

HOSTILE TO THOSE PREVENTION

EFFORTS, TO THE POINT THAT, ON

THURSDAY, WE LEARNED THIS:

AS THE PRESIDENT URGES STATES

TO REOPEN, THE CDC HAS PREPARED

A DRAFT ROADMAP TO HELP

RESTAURANTS, SCHOOLS, CHURCHES,

AND OTHERS TO DO IT SAFELY.

BUT TODAY, WE LEARNED

THE WHITE HOUSE HAS REJECTED

THAT DRAFT.

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, WHO WAS

FIRST TO REPORT THE

ADMINISTRATION'S HOLD ON THE

GUIDELINES, SAYING A CDC

OFFICIAL TOLD THEM THE AGENCY'S

SCIENTISTS WERE TOLD THE

DOCUMENT WOULD, "NEVER SEE THE

LIGHT OF DAY."

John: WOW.

"NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY."

IT IS HARD TO IMAGINE HOW

DRACONIAN THAT IS, OR AT LEAST

IT WAS BEFORE "NEVER SEEING THE

LIGHT OF DAY" BECAME THE ONLY

THING ON ALL OF OUR SCHEDULES.

HONESTLY, TELL ME, WHAT DOES THE

SUN LOOK LIKE?

DOES IT HAVE COOL SHADES AND AN

ATTITUDE, OR WAS THAT JUST

SOMETHING THAT WE MADE UP IN THE

PAST?

I SINCERELY CAN'T REMEMBER.

SO THIS IS WHERE WE ARE NOW:

OUR WARTIME PRESIDENT HAS

DECIDED THAT THE ONLY WAY TO WIN

THIS WAR IS TO DRAFT EVERY ONE

OF US, HIDE OUR BATTLE PLANS,

AND HOPE THAT WE'RE ALL BRAVE

ENOUGH NOT TO NOTICE THAT WE'VE

ALREADY SURRENDERED.

OR, TO PUT IT MORE SUCCINCTLY...

AND TO QUOTE WHAT SEEMS TO BE

ONE OF HIS FAVORITE SONGS... HIS

PLAN TO STEER US THROUGH THIS

PANDEMIC IS FOR HIM TO LIVE

WHILE LETTING A LOT OF US DIE.

AND NOW THIS.

Announcer: AND NOW,

"VICE WEEKLY" DALLAS IS

STEVE EAGAR IT READS YOUR

COMPLAINTS OUT LOUD.

MILLICENT SAYS SHE DOESN'T

LIKE SEEING PEOPLE WEAR GLOVES.

MARK AND WEATHERFORD WANTS

LANDLORD, WHY IS IT ASSUMED THE

LANDLORDS HAVE NO BILLS TO PAY

AND ARE RICH?

WILLIAM WANTS SOMEBODY TO WIPE

DOWN CREDIT CARD KEYPADS.

ERIC HAS A DEEP STATE COVER.

SHE IS SICK OF SEEING SICK

PEOPLE.

PEOPLE SEEM TO BE COMPLAINING TO

COMPLAIN AND THEY DON'T KNOW

WHAT IS UP, LIKE THIS ONE FROM

COLLEEN, I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW

WHY YOU OUT ONLY SHOW THE

NEGATIVE WITH THIS VIRUS.

YOU KNOW THIS IS A PLOY TO

DESTROY OUR COUNTRY FROM THE

INSIDE.

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PEOPLE

OUTSIDE TODAY?

WHY DON'T YOU REPORT ABOUT THE

FLU?

I AM APPALLED AT THE DECISION TO

ALLOW MASSAGE PARLORS, WE ALL

KNOW WHAT MASSAGE PARLORS MEAN.

ANIMALS CAN STILL GET GROOMED.

THIS IS A SLAP IN THE FACE

DEMONS.

STEVE EAGAR IS A SICK MAN.

TELL HIM TO LEAVE VIEWERS ALONE.

DON'T YOU REALIZE HOW STUPID

MOST OF THE VIEWING AUDIENCE IS?

OH, I AM AWARE, WENDY.

John: MOVING ON.

OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS

THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE, THE

ORGANIZATION THAT WOULD HAVE

DELIVERED YOUR MOTHER'S DAY CARD

FOR TODAY IF YOU HADN'T

FORGOTTEN TO MAIL ONE LIKE AN

UNGRATEFUL SACK OF SHIT.

THE USPS PROVIDES VALUABLE

SERVICES, FROM DELIVERING MAIL

AND PACKAGES TO BRILLIANTLY

RUINING TIKTOK VIDEOS.

♪ LIL' MAMA A PARTY GIRL ♪

♪ SHE JUST WAN' HAVE FUN TOO ♪

♪ THEY SAY YOU AIN'T WIFEY TYPE

BUT I DON'T CARE, I WANT YOU ♪

HOW YOU DOIN'?

John: THAT IS EXCELLENT.

FROM THE WAVE, TO THE LAUGH, TO

THE "HOW YOU DOIN'," EVERY

SINGLE PART OF THAT IS GREAT.

I WANT THAT WOMAN TO INTERRUPT

EVERY TIKTOK VIDEO.

IN FACT, TAKE THIS ONE OF AN

ORANGE CAT INVOLVED AN

INTERSPECIES ORGY:

♪ WHAT? ♪

♪ MM-MM-MM-MM ♪

John: ALREADY VERY GOOD,

RIGHT?

EXACTLY, HARD TO IMPROVE ON.

BUT WATCH THIS:

♪ WHAT? ♪

♪ MM-MM-MM-MM ♪

John: YEAH, IT'S INSTANTLY

BETTER.

THAT'S A CAKE ON A CAKE.

KEEP CRASHING TIKTOKS, YOU

NATIONAL FUCKING TREASURE.

THE POSTAL SERVICE HAS A RICH

AND STORIED HISTORY.

IT ACTUALLY PREDATES THE

FOUNDING OF THE COUNTRY AND IT

HAS AN OBLIGATION TO BRING MAIL

TO EVERY SINGLE HOUSEHOLD, EVEN

TRANSPORTING IT TO THE BOTTOM OF

THE GRAND CANYON BY MULE.

OVER THE YEARS, AMERICANS HAVE

RELIED ON IT FOR A SURPRISINGLY

WIDE VARIETY OF NEEDS.

COUNTRY CHILDREN OFTEN WATCH

FOR THE MAILMAN.

JUST SEE WHAT HAS COME TODAY.

A BIG BOX WITH MANY HOLES IN IT.

THE BOX IS FULL OF BABY CHICKS.

BABY CHICKS DON'T HAVE TO EAT OR

DRINK FOR A WHOLE DAY AFTER

THEY'RE HATCHED, SO THEY CAN

TRAVEL SAFELY THROUGH THE MAIL.

John: IT'S TRUE.

YOU USED TO BE ABLE TO SEND LIVE

BABY CHICKS THROUGH THE MAIL.

AND GUESS WHAT?

YOU STILL CAN!

THE POSTAL SERVICE WILL

TRANSPORT ALL KINDS OF LIVE

POULTRY FOR YOU, INCLUDING

CHICKENS, DUCKS, GEESE, AND

TURKEYS.

WHICH RAISES THE QUESTION, WHY

THE FUCK WOULD I EVER SEND A

GREETING CARD AGAIN WHEN I COULD

MAIL SOMEONE A BIRTHDAY TURKEY

OR A THANK YOU DUCK OR A

SYMPATHY GOOSE?

WHO WOULDN'T WANT A SYMPATHY

GOOSE?

I MEAN, SURE, YOUR NANA'S DEAD.

BUT NOW YOU HAVE A SMALL GOOSE!

WHICH IS... AND THIS IS TRUE...

BETTER.

BUT THE CURRENT PANDEMIC IS

OBVIOUSLY MAKING THINGS VERY

DIFFICULT FOR POSTAL WORKERS, AS

YOU PROBABLY KNOW FROM SEEING

STORIES LIKE THESE.

I AM VERY WORRIED, VERY

WORRIED, I MEAN, TO THE POINT

THAT I WORRY ABOUT COMING TO

WORK EVERY DAY.

I DON'T WANT TO CONTRACT IT,

TO BRING IT BACK TO MY FAMILY.

DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE AT

RISK EVERY TIME YOU GO TO WORK?

YES.

CAN'T SAY THAT IT'S NOT ON

THE BACK OF EVERYBODY'S MIND.

THERE IS A JOKE AMONGST THE

OFFICE, ARE WE ESSENTIAL OR ARE

WE SACRIFICIAL?

John: HOLY SHIT, THAT IS A

DARK JOKE.

MOST OFFICE HUMOR IS ON THE

LEVEL OF "WORKING HARD OR HARDLY

WORKING?"

OR "SOMEONE'S MICROWAVING FISH

AGAIN, " NOT " WILL ANY OF US DIE

TODAY, LMFAO."

AND THOSE FEARS ARE NOT

MISPLACED.

OVER A THOUSAND POSTAL WORKERS

HAVE TESTED POSITIVE FOR

COVID-19, AND MORE THAN 40 HAVE

DIED.

BUT BOTH IN ADDITION TO AND

BECAUSE OF THE ONGOING PANDEMIC,

THESE WORKERS ARE ALSO HAVING TO

GRAPPLE WITH ANOTHER EXISTENTIAL

THREAT: THE POSTAL SERVICE MAY

BE ABOUT TO GO BROKE.

THE OUTGOING POSTMASTER GENERAL

RECENTLY ASKED CONGRESS FOR A

TOTAL OF $89 BILLION, AND

WITHOUT FINANCIAL HELP, THE USPS

MAY NOT MAKE IT PAST SEPTEMBER

WITHOUT SIGNIFICANT SERVICE

INTERRUPTIONS, WHICH IS

UPSETTING, ESPECIALLY DURING AN

ELECTION YEAR, A CENSUS YEAR,

AND A PANDEMIC THAT HAS PEOPLE

HOUSEBOUND.

AND I KNOW PEOPLE LIKE TO

COMPLAIN ABOUT THE POST OFFICE,

BUT THE TRUTH IS, IT DOES

VERY IMPORTANT WORK.

AND MANY PEOPLE REALLY RELY ON

IT, NOT JUST TO RECEIVE

PACKAGES, BUT IN RURAL AREAS IN

PARTICULAR, A POST OFFICE CAN BE

A COMMUNITY HUB THAT BRINGS

PEOPLE TOGETHER.

JUST LISTEN TO THIS POSTMASTER

IN RURAL COLORADO TELL A

HEARTWARMING STORY WITH A BIT OF

A TWIST.

POSTMASTER BURGER SAYS

NEIGHBORS WHO LIVE FAR APART RUN

INTO EACH OTHER AT THE POST

OFFICE.

THAT'S HOW EVERYBODY KEEPS IN

TOUCH, INCLUDING HIM.

IT'S PROVIDED ME THE

OPPORTUNITY TO... TO KNOW THESE

PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN MORE THAN I

EVER THOUGHT I WOULD KNOW.

EVEN TO THE DEGREE WHERE

SOMETIMES ON MY LUNCH HOUR I

FIND MYSELF HELPING A NEIGHBOR

BURY HIS DOG.

John: OKAY.

FIRST: WHAT?

SECOND: EXCUSE ME?

AND THIRD, JUST TO CIRCLE BACK:

THE FUCK?

ALSO, YOU JUST SAID "SOMETIMES"

YOU HELP BURY A DOG.

THAT'S PLURAL.

MEANING YOU'VE DONE IT MORE THAN

ONCE.

AND HELPING SOMEONE DO THAT ONCE

IS A COURTESY, BUT WHEN IT

STARTS BECOMING A REGULAR THING,

YOU HAVE TO WONDER WHY THE

NEIGHBORHOOD DOGS KEEP DYING AND

WHY YOU'RE ALWAYS THERE.

THE POINT IS, AT THE WORST

POSSIBLE TIME, THIS AMERICAN

INSTITUTION IS ON THE BRINK OF

COLLAPSE.

SO TONIGHT, WE THOUGHT IT MIGHT

BE WORTH ASKING WHY THAT IS AND

WHAT CAN BE DONE ABOUT IT.

AND LET'S START WITH THE FACT

THAT, DESPITE BEING PART OF THE

FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, THE POSTAL

SERVICE IS ACTUALLY A

SELF-FUNDED ENTITY.

IT OPERATES INDEPENDENTLY AND IS

MEANT TO PAY FOR ITSELF WITH THE

MONEY THAT IT MAKES FROM

SERVICES AND POSTAGE.

THAT MIGHT EXPLAIN WHY, OVER THE

YEARS, IT'S OFTEN TRIED TO

ENCOURAGE STAMP COLLECTING WITH

COMMERCIALS LIKE THIS:

♪ HEY! ♪

♪ WHAT ARE KIDS STUCK ON? ♪

♪ ON STAMPS! ♪

♪ THEY'RE STUCK ON STAMPS ♪

♪ IT'S FUN TO DO EVEN BY

YOURSELF OR WITH YOUR CREW ♪

♪ NOW PREHISTORIC ANIMALS ARE ON

THE SCENE ♪

♪ STEGOSAURUS, BRONTOSAURUS,

LOOK REAL MEAN! ♪

John: FIRST, THAT SONG CAN

GET IT.

AND ALSO, KUDOS ON FEATURING ALL

THE STAMPS THAT KIDS LOVE, FROM

THOSE SLAMMIN' DINO STAMPS TO

THE DANK GET WELL STAMP WITH

IRISES TO MY PERSONAL FAVORITE,

THE ONE THAT SAYS "LACEMAKING."

AND I THINK I SPEAK FOR COOL

KIDS EVERYWHERE WHEN I SAY

THERE'S NOTHING DOPER THAN A

TOTALLY BITCHIN' LACE STAMP.

I'M JUST WORRIED IT MIGHT BE

TOO COOL.

AND YOU MAY THINK YOU KNOW WHY

THE POSTAL SERVICE IS IN SO MUCH

TROUBLE... THAT THE INTERNET AND

EMAIL MEAN THAT PEOPLE JUST

DON'T USE IT AS MUCH.

BUT THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY THE MAIN

REASON.

IN FACT, EXPERTS BELIEVE IT

WOULD STILL BE TURNING A PROFIT

WERE IT NOT FOR A 2006 LAW

CALLED THE POSTAL ACCOUNTABILITY

AND ENHANCEMENT ACT.

NOW, ONE OF THE THINGS IT

REQUIRED WAS FOR THE USPS TO

PREPAY HEALTH CARE BENEFITS FOR

RETIREES ON A 50-YEAR SCHEDULE,

STARTING WITH AN AGGRESSIVE

OBLIGATION TO SET ASIDE OVER

$5 BILLION A YEAR FOR 10 YEARS.

THAT, IN ITSELF, WAS A MASSIVE

BURDEN TO PUT ON THE POSTAL

SERVICE, BUT THE LAW ALSO

LIMITED ITS FLEXIBILITY TO RAISE

MONEY BY PUTTING PRICE CAPS ON

MAJOR PRODUCTS LIKE FIRST-CLASS

MAIL.

SO THEY HAD MASSIVE NEW

OBLIGATIONS TO MEET EVEN AS

THEIR INCOME WAS BASICALLY

LOCKED IN PLACE.

IN HINDSIGHT, IT SEEMS LIKE A

PRETTY CLEAR DEATH SENTENCE,

WHICH IS WHAT MAKES IT SO

STRANGE THAT IT PASSED LARGELY

UNNOTICED AT THE TIME AND WITH

BIPARTISAN SUPPORT.

AND THE EFFECT WAS ALMOST

IMMEDIATE, BECAUSE THE POSTAL

SERVICE WENT FROM REPORTING A

NET INCOME OF $900 MILLION IN

2006 TO A LOSS OF $3.8 BILLION

JUST THREE YEARS LATER.

AND GOOD LUCK SELLING ENOUGH

DOPE-ASS LACE STAMPS TO GET

YOURSELF OUT OF THAT HOLE.

SO THE TRUTH IS, THE POSTAL

SERVICE'S PROBLEMS AREN'T

ENTIRELY FROM THE FACT THAT WE

STARTED USING EMAIL OR EVEN THE

2008 RECESSION.

IN FACT, IT'S BEEN ESTIMATED

THAT THE STIPULATIONS OF THIS

ONE LAW HAVE ACCOUNTED FOR

APPROXIMATELY 74% OF THEIR

NET LOSSES SINCE IT PASSED, AND

THAT IS DESPITE THEM SHEDDING

OVER 100,000 JOBS.

AND THE FACT THEY WERE SO BADLY

HOBBLED BY AN ACT OF CONGRESS

MAKES IT A LITTLE INFURIATING

THAT SOME, LIKE FORMER FOX NEWS

COMMENTATOR JOHN STOSSEL, HOLD

IT UP AS A SIGN THAT GOVERNMENT

AGENCIES ARE JUST NATURALLY

BLOATED AND INCOMPETENT.

ANOTHER MYTH.

GOVERNMENT CAN RUN THE POST

OFFICE LIKE A BUSINESS.

BUT REAL BUSINESSES CAN'T LOSE

BILLIONS EVERY YEAR.

$16 BILLION LAST YEAR.

FEDEX, UPS, AND OTHERS MAKE

BILLIONS BECAUSE THEY INNOVATE

AND CUT COSTS.

John: OKAY, THERE'S A LOT

WRONG WITH THAT, BUT HE'S RIGHT

THAT FEDEX IS PRETTY GOOD AT

INNOVATING.

FOR EXAMPLE, YOU'VE PROBABLY

SEEN THE ARROW HIDDEN IN THE

FEDEX LOGO, BUT DID YOU KNOW

THAT, FOR YEARS, THERE USED TO

BE A SWASTIKA HIDDEN IN THE

"D"?

YEAH, ONCE YOU SEE IT, LIKE THE

ARROW, YOU CAN'T UNSEE IT.

BUT THEY TOOK IT OUT BECAUSE

BUSINESSES HAVE TO INNOVATE.

NOW, WHAT STOSSEL IS ADVOCATING

FOR THERE... AND WHAT MANY

CONSERVATIVES WOULD PREFER... IS

FOR THE POSTAL SERVICE TO BE

PRIVATIZED.

BUT THERE ARE SOME HUGE

DRAWBACKS TO THAT IDEA.

FOR STARTERS... AS YOU MAY HAVE

NOTICED... FEDEX AND UPS CHARGE

A FUCK OF A LOT MORE TO DELIVER

THAN THE POSTAL SERVICE DOES.

ALSO, THOSE REMOTE ADDRESSES

THAT THEY ARE OBLIGATED TO

DELIVER TO AREN'T JUST DIFFICULT

TO GET TO, THEY'RE NOT

PROFITABLE, AND IN ALL

LIKELIHOOD, COMPANIES WOULD CUT

THOSE ROUTES OFF, MEANING A LOT

OF PEOPLE WOULD LOSE ACCESS.

AND TO HIS CREDIT, JOHN STOSSEL

FULLY ACKNOWLEDGES THAT,

ALTHOUGH HE BASICALLY SAYS IN

RESPONSE, "TOUGH SHIT."

THE CONSTITUTION SAYS

CONGRESS HAS THE POWER TO

ESTABLISH POST OFFICES.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO AND IT

DOESN'T HAVE TO DELIVER MAIL TO

ALL OF AMERICA.

WHO SAYS THERE NEEDS TO BE

UNIVERSAL SERVICE?

IF I LIVE WAY OUT IN THE

BOONDOCKS, I CAN GET E-MAIL.

John: NOW, IT'S HARD TO

DECIDE WHAT I LIKE

LEAST ABOUT THAT: HIS DISMISSIVE

ATTITUDE TOWARDS RURAL

AMERICANS; THE INCORRECT

ASSUMPTION THAT EMAIL IS A

DECENT SUBSTITUTE FOR THE POSTAL

SERVICE, CONVENIENTLY GLOSSING

OVER THE FACT THAT AN ESTIMATED

42 MILLION PEOPLE LACK ACCESS TO

BROADBAND INTERNET; OR THE

UNFORTUNATE FACT THAT

JOHN STOSSEL LOOKS LIKE WHAT

WOULD HAPPEN IF SOMEONE TRIED TO

QUEER EYE GERALDO RIVERA BUT IT

DIDN'T REALLY WORK.

AND AGAIN, THE POSTAL SERVICE

IS A LITERAL LIFELINE FOR MANY

AMERICANS.

IT REPORTEDLY DELIVERED

1.2 BILLION PRESCRIPTIONS LAST

YEAR, INCLUDING CLOSE TO 100% OF

PRESCRIPTIONS FROM THE VA.

AND WHILE YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO

BUY MEDICINE ONLINE, YOU CAN'T

ACTUALLY DOWNLOAD MEDICINE FROM

THE INTERNET.

TO CLARIFY, YOU CAN DOWNLOAD

"THE MEDICINE"...

JEREMY RENNER'S COLLECTION OF

MUSIC-LIKE NOISES... FROM THE

INTERNET.

BUT... AND THIS IS IMPORTANT...

YOU SHOULDN'T.

AND THEN THERE'S THE POTENTIAL

BUSINESS IMPACTS OF

PRIVATIZATION.

SMALL BUSINESSES WOULD

IMMEDIATELY BE AFFECTED IF

SERVICE WAS REDUCED, LIKE THIS

ROCK ENGRAVING COMPANY

IN RURAL KANSAS.

FISHER ROCK IS ANOTHER

COMPANY THAT USES THE LOCAL POST

OFFICE TO SHIP SOME OF THEIR

SMALLER PRODUCTS.

JUST ABOUT EVERY DAY WE MAIL

OUT SOMETHING.

I HATE TO SEE THEM LOSE OUR POST

OFFICE IN HOME CITY.

IT'S HANDY FOR BUSINESSES LIKE

MYSELF JUST TO RUN IN THERE AND

GET POSTAGE AND... AND... AND

MAIL OUT ROCKS.

John: YEAH, IT WOULD BE A

REAL SHAME IF THAT BUSINESS

COULDN'T MAIL OUT ITS ROCKS,

LIKE THIS ONE THAT SAYS "REAL

WOMEN HEART LITTLE WIENERS," OR

THIS ONE THAT SAYS "THE GRASS IS

GREENER UNDER MY WIENER."

I MEAN, THAT'S A PERFECT ROCK.

IF THE POSTAL SERVICE STOPPED

DELIVERING GUT BUSTERS LIKE

THAT, IT WOULD BE A FUCKING

TRAGEDY.

ALTHOUGH NOT FOR ME, TO BE

HONEST, SINCE I ALREADY BOUGHT

MINE, AND I'VE GOT TO SAY, IT'S

EVEN FUNNIER IN PERSON.

ONE OF THE FUNNIEST THINGS ABOUT

THIS IS HOW GENUINELY HEAVY IT

IS.

AND IT'S NOT JUST SMALL

BUSINESSES... COMPANIES LIKE

FEDEX AND UPS OFTEN HAND OFF

THEIR PACKAGES TO THE POSTAL

SERVICE FOR THE LAST LEG OF THE

DELIVERY, ESPECIALLY IN RURAL

AREAS.

AMAZON ALSO CONTRACTS MANY OF

ITS DELIVERIES OUT TO IT.

AND THAT, WEIRDLY ENOUGH, BRINGS

US TO ONE OF THE BIGGEST THINGS

STANDING IN THE WAY OF THE USPS

GETTING THE FEDERAL ASSISTANCE

IT SO BADLY NEEDS, BECAUSE THIS

GUY HAS STRONGLY OPPOSED GIVING

IT SUFFICIENT AID, AND MANY

BELIEVE THAT'S BECAUSE OF ITS

RELATIONSHIP WITH AMAZON, OWNED,

OF COURSE, BY JEFF BEZOS, WHO

ALSO OWNS "THE WASHINGTON POST,"

WHOSE POLITICAL COVERAGE IS

HATED BY THE PRESIDENT, WHO...

AS WE KNOW... MAKES POLICY

DECISIONS BASED ON HIS

NEVER-ENDING GAME OF SIX DEGREES

OF "HOW IS THIS ABOUT ME?"

JUST WATCH HIM TRY AND EXPLAIN

WHY THE POSTAL SERVICE SHOULDN'T

GET FEDERAL HELP.

THE POSTAL SERVICE IS A JOKE.

BECAUSE THEY'RE HANDING OUT

PACKAGES FOR AMAZON AND OTHER

INTERNET COMPANIES AND EVERY

TIME THEY BRING A PACKAGE, THEY

LOSE MONEY ON IT.

THE POST OFFICE SHOULD RAISE THE

PRICE OF A PACKAGE BY

APPROXIMATELY FOUR TIMES.

BECAUSE THEY DON'T RAISE THEM.

FOR SOME REASON... THESE PEOPLE

HAVE BEEN IN THERE A LONG TIME.

BUT FOR SOME REASON, THEY'RE

VERY COZY WITH SOME OF THESE

COMPANIES, AND THEY DON'T RAISE

THE PRICE OF A PACKAGE.

John: OKAY, FIRST, THE POSTAL

SERVICE IS NOT A JOKE.

IT DELIVERS JOKES, YES, AND THEY

ARE, AS WE KNOW, HILARIOUS, BUT

IT'S NOT, IN ITSELF, A JOKE.

"GREENER UNDER MY WEINER."

THIS IS THE FUNNIEST ROCK OF ALL

TIME.

JESUS CHRIST!

BUT SECOND, IF THE POSTAL

SERVICE QUADRUPLES PRICES ON

COMPANIES, THOSE PACKAGE

DELIVERY COSTS WILL ALMOST

CERTAINLY BE PASSED ON TO THE

CONSUMER, BECAUSE THEY'RE

COMPANIES, AND THEY DON'T GIVE A

SHIT.

AND THIRD, IT ISN'T CUTTING

SWEETHEART DEALS TO LOSE MONEY

ON EVERY DELIVERY, BECAUSE IN

ADDITION TO EVERYTHING ELSE

WE'VE ALREADY DISCUSSED, THAT

2006 LAW MADE IT ILLEGAL FOR THE

USPS TO PRICE PARCEL DELIVERY

BELOW ITS COST.

SO, IN SUMMATION HERE, TRUMP IS

CONVINCED THAT THE POSTAL

SERVICE'S BIGGEST PROBLEM IS ONE

OF THE FEW THINGS THAT IS NOT

ACTUALLY ONE OF ITS PROBLEMS.

AND THAT'S NOT JUST ANNOYING,

IT'S WORRYING, ESPECIALLY AS,

JUST THIS WEEK, HE REPLACED THE

OUTGOING POSTMASTER GENERAL WITH

THIS GUY, LOUIS DeJOY, A MAJOR

TRUMP DONOR.

AND THAT APPOINTMENT HAS MANY

WORRIED MANY PEOPLE THAT TRUMP

MAY NOW BE ABLE TO BEND THE

POSTAL SERVICE TO HIS

WILL, PRESUMABLY MEANING THAT BY

NEXT YEAR, EVERY STAMP IN

AMERICA WILL FEATURE ONE OF

JEFF BEZOS' DICK PICS.

AND THE THING IS, THERE ARE

ABSOLUTELY SOLUTIONS THAT WOULD

ENABLE THE POSTAL SERVICE TO

HELP THEMSELVES, BUT FOR ALL THE

REASONS THAT WE'VE DISCUSSED,

THEIR HANDS ARE TIED WHEN IT

COMES TO PRICING ON THEIR MAIN

PRODUCT.

WHICH MAY ACTUALLY HELP EXPLAIN

SOME OF THEIR VERY WEIRD SIDE

HUSTLES.

FOR INSTANCE, YOU CAN GO ON

THEIR SITE AND BUY THIS COSTUME

FOR YOUR DOG, WHICH IS A GREAT

WAY TO MAKE YOUR DOG LOOK LIKE

IT'S PERFORMING A POSTAL-THEMED

RENDITION OF "DICK IN A BOX."

ALSO, A FEW YEARS BACK, THEY

ENTERED INTO A BIZARRE

PARTNERSHIP WITH

FOREVER 21 TO UNVEIL A POSTAL

SERVICE-THEMED FASHION LINE.

ALTHOUGH, AS THIS YOUTUBER WILL

TELL YOU, THERE WERE A FEW

ISSUES WITH THEIR GARMENTS:

OH, MY GOSH.

WHY... WHY IS ANY OF THIS

HAPPENING?

IT'S LIKE, YES, I AM A PRIORITY.

MY BOOBS ARE THE PRIORITY.

OVERALL I'M GONNA GIVE IT

A 3.5 OUT OF 10.

John: YEAH, WHEN YOU'RE

WEARING NOTHING BUT THE WORD

"PRIORITY" STRETCHED OVER YOUR

CHEST, IT'S WEIRD TO REALIZE THE

ANSWER TO THE QUESTION "WHY IS

ANY OF THIS HAPPENING?" IS, AT

LEAST IN PART, "THE POSTAL

ACCOUNTABILITY AND ENHANCEMENT

ACT OF 2006."

BUT LOOK, BRANCHING OUT INTO

FASHION CLEARLY WON'T SAVE THE

POSTAL SERVICE.

THAT IS WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT

THAT THEY'RE GIVEN MORE

FLEXIBILITY, NOT JUST ON

PRICING, BUT ALSO ON THE TYPES

OF SERVICES THEY CAN OFFER.

NOW, EXPERTS SUGGEST POST

OFFICES COULD EXPAND THEIR

SERVICES TO ISSUE THINGS LIKE

HUNTING AND FISHING LICENSES.

AND PERHAPS THE BEST OPTION IS

SOMETHING CALLED POSTAL BANKING,

WHERE THE POST OFFICE DOESN'T SO

MUCH ACT AS A BANK AS PROVIDE

SOME VERY BASIC FINANCIAL

SERVICES, LIKE SAVINGS ACCOUNTS

AND CHECK CASHING.

THAT WOULDN'T JUST GENERATE

REVENUE... IT COULD ALSO HELP

THE ESTIMATED 25% OF PEOPLE

IN THIS COUNTRY LIVING IN

UNBANKED OR UNDERBANKED

COMMUNITIES WHO ARE

OTHERWISE OFTEN FORCED TO TURN

TO ALTERNATIVE FINANCIAL

SERVICES LIKE PAYDAY LENDERS,

WHICH CAN CHARGE UP TO 400% IN

FEES AND INTEREST.

AND THIS WOULDN'T BE COMPLETELY

OUT OF THEIR LANE.

NOT ONLY DO THEY ALREADY PROVIDE

SOME SERVICES, LIKE SELLING

MONEY ORDERS, MONEY TRANSFERS,

AND PREPAID CARDS, BUT UP UNTIL

THE 1960s, THEY WERE ALREADY

DOING IT:

THOUGH 90% OF ITS INCOME IS

DERIVED FROM THE SALE OF STAMPS,

THE POST OFFICE IS ALSO THE

LARGEST SAVINGS BANK IN THE

COUNTRY AND THE LARGEST AGENCY

FOR THE TRANSFER OF MONEY.

IT TAKES IN MORE THAN

$1.5 BILLION ANNUALLY.

John: YOU KNOW, IT'S

DEPRESSING THAT THE WEIRDEST

THING ABOUT WATCHING OLD-TIMEY

CLIPS NOW ISN'T THAT THEY'RE IN

BLACK AND WHITE OR THAT PEOPLE

ARE WEARING HATS, IT'S THAT

EVERYONE IS STANDING NEXT TO

EACH OTHER IN A PUBLIC PLACE

WITH NO FEAR OF DYING.

HONESTLY, AT THIS POINT, I HAVE

SUCH SEVERE QUARANTINE BRAIN

I COULD WAKE UP IN THE

JURASSIC PERIOD AND MY FIRST

THOUGHT WOULD BE "HOLY SHIT,

THOSE STEGOSAURUSES ARE STANDING

WAY TOO CLOSE TOGETHER.

BUT POSTAL BANKING IS CLEARLY

MORE OF A LONG-TERM SOLUTION...

IT WON'T GET THE USPS OUT OF ITS

CURRENT MESS.

WHAT THEY BADLY NEED IS AN

INFUSION OF FUNDING AS SOON AS

POSSIBLE, AND NOT ONLY SHOULD WE

BE DEMANDING THEY GET THAT,

CONGRESS SHOULD ALSO TAKE A LOOK

AT UNDOING SOME OF THE MORE

ONEROUS TERMS IN THAT 2006 LAW.

AND UNTIL THEN, THERE MIGHT

ACTUALLY BE SOMETHING SMALL WE

CAN DO HERE, BECAUSE THE

PURCHASE OF STAMPS IS STILL A

KEY REVENUE GENERATOR FOR THEM.

AND YOU CAN ACTUALLY GET STAMPS

MADE.

TV SHOWS HAVE DONE THIS IN

THE PAST.

"AMERICAN IDOL" SOLD STAMPS, AND

"VEEP" AND "FULL FRONTAL"

RECENTLY DID GIVEAWAYS.

AND WHILE IT WILL NOT COME CLOSE

TO RAISING THE $90 BILLION THE

POSTAL SERVICE BADLY NEEDS,

WE'VE ACTUALLY BEEN WORKING WITH

JUST DO A GIVEAWAY, BUT TO

PRODUCE A RUN OF STAMPS THAT ARE

AVAILABLE FOR YOU TO BUY RIGHT

NOW.

IF YOU GO TO

CAN FIND POSTAGE FEATURING

CHIIJOHN, A BOLIVIAN ZEBRA,

MR. NUTTERBUTTER, AND OUR

PERSONAL FAVORITE,

"AND NOW, A STAMP."

YOU CAN BUY SHEETS OF THESE FOR

THE NEXT MONTH, AND I'D

REALLY ENCOURAGE YOU TO DO THAT.

THEY'RE THE PERFECT WAY TO MAIL

A CARD THAT SUPPORTS THE USPS

IN ITS TIME OF NEED WHILE

ALSO SAYING "I LIKE

'LAST WEEK TONIGHT' AND I'M

SORRY I FORGOT MOTHER'S DAY."

WHICH YOU DID, YOU PIECE OF

SHIT.

IF YOU LIKED THIS SEGMENT,

PLEASE BUY A STAMP AND SUPPORT

THE POSTAL SERVICE.

IF YOU HATED IT, BUY ONE ANYWAY

AND MAIL ME A LETTER ABOUT HOW

MUCH I SUCK.

IT'S ALL THE SAME TO THEM.

YOU'D BE DOING A REALLY NICE

THING.

THAT'S OUR SHOW, THANKS SO MUCH

FOR WATCHING, WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT

WEEK, GOOD NIGHT!

IT'S YOU!

I KNOW YOU!

YOU ARE VERY GOOD AT

INTERRUPTING THINGS.