Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 6, Episode 20 - Burdihamedov/Guinness World Records - full transcript

Welcome, welcome, welcome to
Last Week Tonight.

I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.

Just time for a quick recap
of the week,

which was a busy one
for the president,

who oversaw the largest
single-state ICE raid in US history,

retweeted conspiracy theories
about the death of Jeffrey Epstein,

and visited the sites of last week's
mass shootings,

which went exactly
as well as you'd expect.

Some of President Trump's
own aides are conceding

his visits to two cities in mourning
didn't go as planned

after new video shows him
bragging about



crowd sizes
while at a hospital in El Paso.

I was here three months ago,
we made a speech

and we had a...
what was the name of the arena ?

That place was packed, right ?
That was some crowd.

And we had twice
the number outside.

And then you had this crazy Beto.

Beto had, like, 400 people
in a parking lot

and they said his crowd
was wonderful.

Wow. Look, we all know
how much Trump struggles

to do the bare minimum
of being a president,

but it's still genuinely shocking
just how much he struggles

to do the bare minimum
of being a fucking person.

Because... just consider the thought
process that happened there.

He visited a hospital filled
with victims of a mass shooting



and thought to himself,
"Remember that other time"

"when I was the center of attention
and it was better ?"

And then he thought, "Do you think
anyone else remembers that ?"

Then he thought,
"I should remind them, right ?"

Then he thought, "Great idea."

Then he thought, "Thank you !"

Then he thought, "Ivanka."

Then he thought, "No time !"

And then he said it.
And he was happy with how it sounded.

But Trump's pathological lack
of empathy

should not distract us from
the important question right now,

which is: what action,
if any, will be taken on guns ?

Because while you're kind of
conditioned at this point to think,

"absolutely none,"
pressure is building.

When Ohio governor
Mike DeWine spoke

at a vigil following
the Dayton shooting,

the crowd made it painfully clear
that they wanted action.

What we do tonight
by this amazing crowd

is to say to them
that we love you.

Do something !
Do something !

You know you're doing a bad job
when people are yelling,

"Do something" at you.

Not even,
"Try a different position !"

or "Like that, but to the left !"

Just "Do something,"
the universal complaint

for men putting in less
than zero percent everywhere.

So it is pretty clear that support
for meaningful gun reform is there.

But as always,
a key obstacle is the NRA,

an organization whose former
president once famously said

you can have his gun when you
pry it from his cold dead hands

and, you know, guess what,
I fucking did.

So, what are you gonna do
about it, Charlton ? Shoot me ?

With what, you dead idiot ?

The NRA has successfully fought
legislation for decades now.

Although it's currently in the midst
of an internal shit show.

It all started last year,
when federal investigators

started looking
into whether a Russian agent

had used the NRA
to infiltrate Republican politics.

Which is already
comfortably bad enough.

But then the New York state AG

started looking into
their tax-exempt status.

Because the NRA
is technically a non-profit.

And it turns out, there's been
some very suspicious expenditures.

In May, leaked documents showed

the group's long-time leader,
Wayne LaPierre,

may have misused member dues,

spending nearly
$300,000 on designer clothes.

$300,000 on clothes ?
This guy ? How ?

Wayne LaPierre appears
to only own a single suit.

Here is what he wore to CPAC in 2018.

Here's what he wore to CPAC in 2017.

Although in 2016, to be fair,
he did shake it up and wore this.

I'm kidding, I'm clearly
just kidding. It was obviously this.

And look: if you are going to blow
that much money on clothes,

at least make more interesting
choices than dressing

like the head coach of the opposing
team in a "Mighty Ducks" movie.

And it wasn't just suits,
there were also allegations

of misspending
on lavish travel expenses.

All of which was infuriating
for many NRA members and employees,

since the organization
has been running deficits

of as much
as forty million dollars,

and has even eliminated free coffee
at its headquarters

and frozen
the employees' pension plan.

And things got even worse
this week, when this story broke.

The CEO of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre,
wanted the gun lobby

to buy him
a $6 million house in Texas

in part over fears for his safety

after the Parkland School
shooting last year.

Wow. So, putting aside the head of
the NRA claiming he needs a mansion

because other people got shot,
the house in question is ludicrous.

Because the NRA didn't buy it,
so it's still listed on Zillow.

Which is how we know it contains
four bedrooms and nine bathrooms.

Which is objectively
too many bathrooms.

Especially considering
one of them is this one.

And what the fuck
is happening there ?

That is a bathtub staged
like a community theater.

How is that
even supposed to work ?

I mean, I suppose you could sit
naked in that tub

while two people sit with their backs
to you reading

or as it's known in England,
a threesome.

But otherwise, that's an inexplicable
setup for a bathroom.

And as if all this weren't enough,

board members
are also now questioning

the large amount paid to the group's
ad agency, Ackerman McQueen,

which was responsible
for creating and running NRA TV.

We actually talked
about it last year.

And there was always
something weird going on there,

because its shows looked both
expensive and made for no one.

And while NRA TV has since been
shut down, there is a part of me,

the part that's lying,
that will really miss it.

Because it means there will be no
more episodes of my favorite shows,

like "Love At First Shot,"
a show aimed at women,

where one episode was focused on the
most stylish way to concealed carry.

So today, you're gonna be given
a challenge of finding two outfits.

And you're gonna be judged
on four different criteria.

Concealability; how well
you can conceal your firearm.

Practicality; are you actually
gonna wear these clothes

that we're gonna buy today ?

- Style.
- So nice.

If it gets hot during the day,
I just can take off the back piece

and still be concealing
and everything.

And where are you carrying ?

So, I definitely am
carrying at the waist.

- But, I have another option too.
- Oh, very nice, yeah.

- And carrying under the arm, too.
- Perfect, nice.

I mean, you have to admit
that outfit is versatile.

You can totally see her going
to the mall, going to drinks,

and, with those guns, then going
to kill the entire Blue Man Group.

Now, obviously, the death
of NRA TV is a tragedy,

thoughts and prayers
to all those affected.

But the bottom line here is that
for the first time in a while

things are not actually
looking great for the NRA.

So, does this mean that
gun control could finally happen ?

Mitch McConnell has hinted
at action on background checks.

But he's also refused to recall
the Senate and might well be hoping

that by the time it's back in
session, the pressure will be off.

Meanwhile, the president has said

that he's willing to stand up
to the NRA.

But he's also, one, a liar,
and two, likely to identify

with an organization that has spent
itself into colossal debt,

has troubling ties to Russia,

and is associated with shitty TV
programs and very bad taste.

I guess what I'm really
saying here is,

a weakened NRA is nice, sure,

but the only way things
are really going to change

is if lawmakers continue
to feel the pressure to,

and if I may quote that Ohio crowd,
"do something."

And now this.

And Now: The Pointless But Somehow
Mesmerizing Play-By-Play

Of The 51st Annual Stone Skipping
Competition.

All right, our first skipper today is
Kurt "The Mountain Man" Steiner.

- Lot of pitty-pats, there.
- Very nice pitty-pats.

Next up is
John "The Sheriff" Kolar.

"The Sherriff ?"
Is he a real sheriff ?

No, that's his nickname.

Did they ever think of taking
their shoes off

before they go
into the water ?

No, because they're afraid they're
gonna slip on the rocks out there.

- On the algae that grows on 'em.
- Shorts might have been a good call.

We have Max
"Top Gun" Steiner.

He learned most of what he got
from Russ "Rock Bottom" Byars.

Listen, these are special stones.

They're not just bending
over and picking up a stone.

These are stones these guys
probably have slept with.

There's a skip, there's a nice skip.

Nice skip, nice skip !

Whoa, there is a skip !
Came out of nowhere.

- Max, how do you feel ?
- Like a champion.

Feel good about it.
I don't know what else to say.

Moving on. Our main story tonight,
concerns the country of Turkmenistan,

and specifically, its president,
Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov.

That is not to be confused

with the Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov
that you went to high school with

or the one that was dating
Taylor Swift over the summer.

No, we're talking about this
Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov.

He's actually been
in the news a bit recently,

after rumors circulated
that he'd died,

something his government
pushed back on hard,

first insisting
that he was merely on vacation,

then releasing a 25-minute video
to state TV

showing everything
he was supposedly doing,

from bowling to working out
with his friends, to this.

As we know, our dear leader is very
skillful in controlling a sports car.

He rode his powerful off-road car
around the crater

and demonstrated his high
professional driving skills.

Well, count me convinced,
that guy is clearly alive and well.

You can't do donuts around
a flaming pit if you're dead.

Think about all the people
who are dead right now,

Babe Ruth, Galileo,
Marlon Brando,

Mother Theresa,
the original Paul McCartney,

do you see any of them
doing donuts around fire pits ?

Of course you don't,
you have to be alive.

Now, if Berdimuhamedov
looks a bit familiar at all to you,

we've actually mentioned him
before on this show,

during our segment on authoritarian
governments last year,

when we showed you this clip of him
being a literal strong man.

Look, I hate to say this to a fellow
lifter, but that shit's weak, bro.

You did one rep, and there weren't
even weights on the bar.

Even when I'm tapering,
I stack more plate than an omakase.

My body's stuck on beast mode,
and there's no off switch.

You want to know how I got
these two boulder shoulders ?

By putting in my time
at my fortress of swole-itude.

I'm just saying, bro, take notes,

'cause I burst out of suits
like I'm Meghan Markle.

And look, make no mistake:

Berdimuhamedov is even worse
at ruling a country

than he is at pushing plate.

He is a fierce authoritarian
and, according to Human Rights Watch,

"Turkmenistan remains"

"one of the world's most closed
and oppressively governed countries,"

or as one NGO researcher put it...

I would say it's probably one of the
worst places to live in the world.

Absolutely no freedom of the press,

absolutely no way you can voice
any kind of opinion.

It is still virtually a police state.

"One of the worst places on earth."

That is quite a claim, especially
considering the earth also includes

Syria, North Korea
and Twitter.

And it's not just a lack
of freedom of speech,

there've also been
State Department reports of

"arbitrary arrest and detention,
endemic corruption and forced labor."

So, he's a dangerous world leader.

But that is not the reason
that we're talking about him.

After all: dangerous world leaders
are currently a dime a dozen.

It's just one of the many things

that makes being alive right now
simply great.

No, what makes
Berdimuhamedov unique is that,

even among strongman dictators,

he is truly, deeply
and compellingly odd.

So tonight,
let's take a look at him.

And while this story is going
to get very weird, I promise you:

in 20 minutes, you're not
so much gonna be wondering

why we talked
about Turkmenistan,

as why we'd ever talk about
anything else ever again.

And let's start with the obvious
autocrat stuff here.

He's been running Turkmenistan
for 12 years,

and in his most recent election,
he won with 98% of the vote.

And like many autocrats, he's fond
of showcasing his physical prowess,

which you kind of already
knew from watching him

install a shower rod
on hashtag #armday.

And there's just no shortage of
videos online where you can see him

firing weapons and throwing knives
to impress his troops.

But that is just
the beginning.

Because Berdimuhamedov takes

those standard-issue
cult-of personality antics,

and does them
just a little bit stranger.

By shooting targets down
while riding a bike,

our great commander-in-chief

once again demonstrated
his physical readiness.

This became a moment
when our dear leader,

who has high skills in every trade,

demonstrated his level
of masterfulness.

Oh, yes, total masterfulness !

So watch out,
enemies of Turkmenistan,

because Berdimuhamedov
will not hesitate

to slowly ride a bike near you

and shoot a gun
in your general vicinity

before an editor makes it
look like he actually hit you !

But it is not just knife tossing
and gun-cycling.

Berdimuhamedov is also an artist,
and his canvas is the human ear.

He went viral last year with a rap
video recorded with his grandson

about the importance of sports
called "Sportly Türkmenistan."

Sport and the health is inspiration,

makes for the show
and show all the nations,

gives you a joy
and raise spirit high,

sports is the way
to your healthy life.

Turkmenistan, Turkmenistan !

Fire.

Everything
about that video is perfect.

From the fact that neither of them
are playing their instruments,

to the fact that they just rhymed
"Turkmenistan" with "Turkmenistan."

All in all, it is a fun,
catchy sports anthem

truly worthy of "Jock Jams
Volume 40: Maybe Sports Suck ?"

But his musical talents
don't just stop there.

He also D.J.s, plays the piano,

and is a guitarist
who goes to great lengths

to conceal
his blistering chops.

Holy shit.

He looks like he's playing a duet
with the smoke monster from "Lost."

That stage looks like
the back-entrance to a church

after a French AA meeting.

rapping with his grandson,
and playing the guitar.

But amazingly, we haven't even
gotten to the truly weird stuff yet !

'Cause Berdimuhamedov
also likes horses. Like, a lot.

Like, the incorrect amount.

Like, to the extent that it distracts

from everything he's done during
his nearly 13-year presidency.

Just think about how much Angela
Merkel would have to like turtles

for someone to go on TV and say,
"We don't have much time,"

"so let's put aside everything she's
ever done as chancellor of Germany"

"and let's focus
on the turtle thing."

That is how much
Berdimuhamedov likes horses.

And not just any horse, he's
specifically a fan of the Akhal-Teke.

Which isn't in itself unusual,

it's a beloved national symbol
in Turkmenistan.

But not only does he give Akhal-Tekes
as gifts to other world leaders,

he's written multiple
books on horses,

including "The Horse - A Symbol
of Faithfulness and Happiness,"

"The Flight
of The Celestial Race Horses,"

and
"Akhalteke - Our Pride And Glory."

Until recently, an official
English-language copy of that book

was actually available on Amazon,

but unfortunately,
there was only one copy,

and it appears
that someone bought it,

shipped it to New York,
and put it under my desk.

Because... would you like to hear
my favorite passage from this book ?

Because it's this, and I quote,

"Witnesses never wearied
of being astonished"

"by the steed-and-human intercourse
brought to full perfection."

Which I'm hoping is a mistranslation,
but probably isn't

because Berdimuhamedov
has involved himself

in all stages
of the horse lifecycle.

A few years ago,
he awarded himself the title

"The People's Horse Breeder."

He's also made it illegal

to change an Akhal-Teke horse's name
during its lifetime.

And a few years ago,
issued a presidential decree

instituting a tradition
of beauty contests for horses.

Which is definitely odd, but at the
same time, you do have to admit:

the Akhal-Teke is a beautiful horse.

I mean, that's a super fuckable horse
right there.

I'm not saying that
I would fuck that horse,

I'm just saying that if I was
a horse, I would fuck that horse.

To be clear: me, John Oliver the
human, would not fuck that horse.

But John Oliver the horse
would definitely fuck that horse.

That's not weird, I'd be a horse !

Horses fuck other horses
all the time,

that's how they make new horses.

I guess what I'm saying is,
if I was a horse and you said to me,

"Fuck, marry, kill:
Mustang, Akhal-Teke, Clydesdale."

No question in my horse mind:

fuck the Akhal-Teke,
marry the Mustang,

send the Clydesdale
to the glue factory.

But again, only if I was a horse !

And look, admittedly,
I've thought about this a lot,

but definitely not as much
as Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov has.

Amazingly, he reportedly owns
more than 600 Akhal-Tekes,

which is almost 10 percent
of the world's total.

He owns a plurality of them !
That is objectively too many horses.

Imagine owning 10%
of the world's total of anything.

And I say this as the owner of

100% of Amazon's inventory
of "Akhalteke - Our Pride And Glory."

Now, earlier this year,

someone actually gave Berdimuhamedov
yet another one, named "Rovach,"

and he was so excited that
he wrote a poem about his new horse,

and read it on state TV.
And this is real.

You are the worship
and memorabilia of ancestors,

you are the passage
of the past into tomorrow,

your neighing is the melody
of heavens,

Rovach, you are the anthem
of my heart !

Wait, just wait.

"Your neighing
is the melody of heavens ?"

Writing a fuck-sonnet
about a horse is weird;

it strongly suggests that he'd like
to have sex with that horse.

But writing a fuck-sonnet
about a horse

while sitting on a horse throne
among horse-accented cabinetry,

complimented by a horse statue,
horseshoe

and custom desk inlaid
with gold horses ?

That strongly suggests
that he actually already did.

The point is:
President Equus here likes horses.

But do horses like him ?

The answer, and this is a direct
quote, is "nay."

And don't just take that from me,
don't take that from me.

Look at Rovach's expression there.

That's not so much an expression

as a physical manifestation
of the phrase "I can't even."

And this isn't even the first time

a horse has seemed to have
an issue with Berdimuhamedov.

Just watch what happened when he
participated in a horse race in 2013.

And before I show you this,
I should say two things.

First, remember,
he runs a country

where activists are disappeared
in the prison system

and which has hit the bottom of
a number of human rights indexes.

And second: the horse you're about
to see was fine, here. It was fine.

So with those two things
in mind, watch this.

Again: the horse is alive and well.

I can prove it to you: here he is
doing donuts around a fire pit.

You have to be alive to do that.
Case closed.

Now, interestingly, when that race
aired on TV in Turkmenistan,

the footage cut off a split-second
before his fall.

So, Berdimuhamedov really didn't
want people to see that footage.

Specifically, this footage.

Exactly. That's the footage that
he really didn't want people to see.

In fact, he was so concerned
that people might see it,

journalists were apparently asked

to erase all pictures and footage
taken of the incident,

and at the airport,
officials conducted extra checks

for flash sticks and camera memory
disks for any traces of the video.

And look: I'm not gonna show you
that same video again.

I mean, why would I ?
When I can instead show you

a closer angle
of the exact same incident.

Again: the horse is fine.
And, this is true, a hero.

So, to summarize here:

Turkmenistan's authoritarian
president is a strongman-slash-D.J.

with a creepy, unreciprocated
affection for horses.

And that is where
this story ends.

Or, at least it was going to,

until we learned about
one last bizarre obsession of his.

And in the words of Turkmen
airport officials

inspecting
the luggage of foreign journalists:

we are going to have to unpack it.

The president has a childlike
obsession

with collecting
Guinness World Records.

Ashgabat holds the record for

"Highest density of buildings
with white marble cladding."

This tower won a world record for

"Largest
architectural image of a star."

Again, a Guinness record
for the hotly contested title of

"World's largest indoor
Ferris wheel."

Okay, all right. First of all:

the only thing worse than a Ferris
wheel is an indoor Ferris wheel.

And second, the "Highest density of
buildings with white marble cladding"

is just a pointless record.

I get he clearly has
an obsession with marble,

the man even built a statue
of himself on a golden horse

atop a massive white marble cliff,
but at some point,

a record is so bizarrely specific
it ceases to be impressive,

like "Largest bowl of goulash
eaten while watching 'Frasier,'"

or "World's tallest Ansel Elgort."

Also incidentally,
the "World's smallest Ansel Elgort."

But the point is, during his
tenure as president,

Turkmenistan has aggressively set
a number of Guinness records,

including the "World's highest number
of fountain pools in a public space,"

the "World's longest
single line bicycle parade,"

the "World's largest horse
head statue", of course,

and the "World's largest cycling
awareness lesson."

We actually found footage of him
setting that record,

and he seemed
pretty psyched about his achievement.

I would like to express
my special appreciation

to a representative of
the Guinness Record Book

for a certificate for the largest
cycling awareness lesson.

This respected award
is another one

into the collection
of our country's Guinness records.

Okay, okay. So...

First of all, a cycling awareness
lesson seems entirely unnecessary.

Cycling is what you do
when you want to lose a gunfight

as slowly and as inaccurately
as possible.

Who isn't aware of that
by this point ?

But here is where the story

is actually gonna shift away from
Turkmenistan for a minute,

although I promise we will be back.

Because at this point,
we started wondering:

what is an official from
Guinness World Records doing

in one of the most repressive
countries on earth,

certifying records for an autocrat ?

'Cause this is supposed to be
the fun-loving company

that certifies quirky records
like, and these are real,

"Most apples held in the mouth
and cut by chainsaw in one minute"

or "Oldest male stripper."
It's supposed to be fun.

But when we started looking into it,

we discovered that,
in the last few years,

a big chunk of Guinness
World Records' income

now comes from helping companies
and other clients

invent and break
new records to get publicity,

things like working
with General Mills

to set the record
for "World's longest line of tacos."

Basically, they can help design
an event

and even send an official
adjudicator,

like the one you just saw,
to award the record on the spot.

But that doesn't come cheap.

For a full-service event,
they reportedly charge

anywhere from 12,000
to over half a million dollars.

And you might think,
"Okay. But who gives a shit ?"

"I'm not a nine-year-old waiting
to testify in family court."

"Why do I care about
the Guinness Book of World Records ?"

But the thing is,
it's not just companies,

they also work
with authoritarian governments.

And Berdimuhamedov
isn't the only one.

Guinness World Records has also sent
adjudicators to Saudi Arabia

to certify records like their
"World's largest flagpole,"

and has repeatedly worked
with the Dubai police force,

helping them break 11 records,
among them,

"Most consecutive formations formed
by unmanned aerial vehicles."

And if you're wondering
what that even means,

here is what it looked like.

Okay, all right,
all right, all right.

First: I would argue he could be
slightly more impressed

by that drone constellation
of his own face.

Although I will say this:
that might actually be

the single most ethically defensible
use of drones in the Middle East.

The whole point
we're making here is:

authoritarians
love getting Guinness World Records.

And you can see why,
they reinforce a cult of personality

and confer a sense of legitimacy
on a global stage.

Which brings us back
to Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov.

Because
he absolutely loves them.

So if you wanted to hurt him,
they'd actually be his weak point.

The only question is:
if you wanted to embarrass

this particular
human rights-abusing horse-fucker,

what record would hurt him the most ?

I mean, it'd have to involve
some of his favorite things,

like horses, and white marble.

And also include
a humiliating moment

that he didn't want people
to know about.

So, hypothetically, if you could
make the world's largest marble cake,

featuring the image
of him falling off a horse,

that would check
all of the boxes, there, right ?

I mean, of course, it wouldn't
be easy, would it ?

The current record
for "Largest marble cake"

is around 160-square-feet,

set by Betty Crocker
in where else but Saudi Arabia ?

Also, you'd ideally want
an official adjudicator

to come and certify
the cake immediately.

And unfortunately, here is where
I do have some bad news.

Because we actually planned
to bake a 600-square-foot cake

that would make Betty Crocker's
look like a fucking mouse Twinkie,

but when we reached out
to Guinness World Records,

and we asked them to send someone,
they declined, saying, and I quote,

"unfortunately, because our brand
is aligned with kids and families,"

"this record attempt is not one"

"that we will be able to provide
an adjudicator for."

Which is, yeah, it's a real shame.

I guess we just don't run
a brutal enough dictatorship

to meet Guinness World Records'
high ethical standards.

Although they did say that if we
fully documented making the cake,

they might certify us after the fact.

Unfortunately, they wanted us
to sign an agreement

that could've prevented us
from criticizing them in this story,

which is clearly ridiculous.

But then it hit us:

we don't need Guinness World Records
to make a world-record-sized cake.

And if we did, not only would we be
annoying an authoritarian leader,

we'd also now be annoying these guys.

So, so did we bake it ?

I mean, I guess I really only have
two questions for you at this point.

One: are you
ready to make history ?

And two: who wants
some fucking cake ?

Because
behold this monstrous folly !

I told you things were gonna
get weird tonight, didn't I ?

Admit it: when I said earlier, our
main story concerns Turkmenistan,

you did not expect
the show to end 20 minutes later

with me standing next
to the world's largest marble cake

depicting a guy falling off a horse.
Yet here we are !

I have some good news:

everyone in this audience is gonna
get some cake to take home tonight

and the rest of this magnificent
frosted beast

will be donated
to City Harvest.

We did it, guys !
We did it !

We did it !

Clap for me, cyclists !
Clap for me now !

That's our show,
thank you so much for watching,

see you next week,
good night !

We did it !

We did it !