Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 7 - Crisis Pregnancy Centers - full transcript

Crisis pregnancy center is an institute which talks women away from abortion by any means possible. They can practically state wrong information and misleading data to confuse women. Which ...

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LAST WEEK TONIGHT
WITH JOHN OLIVER

SEASON V
EPISODE 7

Welcome to Last Week Tonight !
I'm John Oliver !

Thank you so much for joining us !
Time for a quick recap of the week.

We begin with Trump administration,
where over 70 percent of Americans

have now served at least two months
in a cabinet level position.

I was the Secretary of Labor
between January and February,

and it did not go well.

This week saw another
cabinet member in serious trouble,

with EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt
facing questions

about ethics violations
and questionable spending.



He spent 832 000 dollars in the first
quarter of his term on security costs,

he's been accused of wasteful spending
on first class and private flights,

installing a soundproof phone booth
for 43 000 dollars.

One Democrat demanding answers
on why Pruitt requested security 24/7,

including allegedly on personal trips
to Disneyland an the Rose Bowl.

I'm a little torn. On one hand
that does seem wasteful.

On the other, if anyone needs security
at Disneyland it's Scott Pruitt.

A man who even
Mickey and Minnie Mouse

would tell to go fuck himself !

You son of a bitch !
Get him, Minnie, get him !

This is a pretty sudden
fall from grace for Pruitt,

who's been a Conservative favorite for
his aggressively pro industry stance,

so aggressive that even though
he's in charge of the EPA,

his LinkedIn page still lists him



as a leading advocate
against the EPA's activist agenda.

Pruitt appeared on Fox News
but seems completely unprepared.

It had already emerged
that he had bypassed the White House

to give big raises to 2 of his favorite
aids, and this was his response !

Why did yo go around the president
to give pay raises to two staffers ?

My staff did and I found out
about that and I changed it.

- It should not have been done.
- Who did it ?

A career person
or a political person ?

- I don't know.
- You don't know who did it ?!

I found out about it yesterday
and I corrected the action.

Okay ! First that is clearly

not the Fox News tone
that Pruitt was expecting.

It's the face of a man who thought
he was walking into an Applebee's

and ended up
în an apple full of bees.

What is this ?
Why is this happening to me ? Why ?

Things got even worse because
Puitt also took flak for the fact

that when he first moved to DC
he paid just 50 dollars a night

to stay in a condo linked
to a prominent energy lobbyst,

which for the whole
drain the swamp administration

is particulary hard to take,
and this pushback was pathetic.

That is something that again has
been reviewd by the ethics official.

Ranking it
from the wife of lobbyist !

You could go on Craigslist...

The Craigslist today
shows rentals for one bedroom

of less that 1 000 dollars,
on Capitol Hill or near.

Never heard.
I've lived în Washington over 25 years.

Now... I know that 50 dollars a night
sounds ridiculous,

but to be fair to him,
we checked Airbnb

and it turns out you cam find places
for 50 dollars a night in DC.

This place, with an intriguing photo
of what your room will look like,

and a second intriguing photo

showing you what the room looks like
with the lights turned on.

Also that is this place
which seems to be a bed

wedged between the door to the room
and the front door,

and which for the record
is listed on the site

as a "glistening
private berdroom and bar"

which begs the question:
"Why is it glistening though ?"

And finally there is this one
for just 30 dollars a night,

where the add is literally named:
"A leather couch named Black Beauty".

30 dollars
to stay on someone's couch,

but I have a strict rule
where I do not stay

at the apartment of anyone
who names their furniture.

You've met Black Beauty,
this is our fridge coolio,

vacuum sucks a lot
and our tufted ottoman Melanie.

She really looked like a Melanie.

The best sign that Pruitt knew he was
getting a suspiciously favorable deal

is how loath he was to give it up,
because his lease was reportedly

just through April 1st of last year, but
several month later he was still there.

Politico reports Pruitt
overstayed his welcome.

Landlords was so frustrated
with their lingering tenant,

that they pushed him out
and changed their locks.

That is unfortunate
but it's Black Beauty time, baby !

Go get some of that pseudo-public
unwashed leather,

and go make it glisten,
make it shine !

But this story gets even weirder,
because taxpayers wound up

paying 2 400 dollars
to repair a door at the apartments

damaged for the dumbest
possible reason.

ABC News has learned of this bizarre
incident at the apartment last year.

I need an ambulance please.

Am urgent 911 call.

They say he's unconscious
and he's unresponsive.

Pruitt's protective detail
breaking down the door.

Inside, the cabinet secretary,
unresponsive.

Respond to unconscious person.

The EPA
is not commenting on the incident,

but sources tell us
Pruitt was just napping.

He was napping ! Napping !

It's not the most important detail. The
day that happened was Wednesday,

so on top of everything else,
the director of the EPA

was sitting at home,
taking a nap in the middle of the day.

On a Wednesdy ! Get the fuck up !
You got a country to ruin !

And yet, amazingly, as of this taping
Pruitt somehow still has a job,

with the president saying:

"He's done a fantastic job at EPA.
I think he'll be fine."

Who knows why he thinks that.
Maybe because Pruitt is doing

what Trump wanted him to do,
dismantling the EPA

or maybe Trump knows that if you
want to get rid of Scott Pruitt

you have to kick his door down,
wake him from a nap,

drag him out and eventually
change the fucking locks.

So let's move on to Hungary,

located between the beautiful
East Eurpean nations

of "Don't care never will",
and "I get it I'm bad at geography".

Hungary had a Parlamentary election.

The results won't be out for weeks,
but there is a clear favorite.

Hungary's Prime Minister Viktor Orban
is said to secure his 4th term

and critics say the country's
democracy is on the line.

His ruling coalition has passed laws
targeting independent media,

and his party has campaigned heavily
against immigrants.

Yes, it looks like Hungary
is getting more Viktor Orban.

the right-wing populist
and henchman number 3

in a video-on-demand
Steven Seagal movie.

Orban is a deeply unpleasant leader,
virulently anti-immigrant,

and with more than a whiff
of the strongman about him.

Calling him a dictator wouldn't be
a huge exageration.

Calling him a dictator to his face
would be absolutely amazing,

and incredibly that happened.

Watch EU Commission President
Jean-Claude Juncker

greet him a few years back.

The dictator is coming.

Dictator !

Juncker just looked a man
right into the eyes,

called him a dictator, slapped him
in the face and got away with it.

My man from Luxembourg
don't give a fuck.

And although Orban seems to have
this election locked up,

he did face some competition
from a party called Yobbik,

a party which until very recently
was actually to the right of Orban.

How far to the right ? Yobbik is
a historically anti-semitic party.

As recently as 2014,

a Yobbik official reffered
to the Holocaust as a "holoscam".

Yet amazingly some on the left
have supported Yobbik,

out of sheer spite for Orban

with the socialist candidate even
declaring that he's work them saying:

"We have to cooperate with everyone,
even with the devil."

Whick is a weird way to put that,

because even in th Bible
there is no one worse that the devil.

Exept of course for Cookie,

the panda bear who got diarrhea
all over Noah's Arc.

But truly fascinang part
of Hungary's elections

is the fact that public money
is made available for their elections

with the state offering cash
per every candidate put forward.

That's a nice idea, but it has led
to a flood of fake parties

that frequently emerge,
absorb the money and dissapear.

Some of them don't seem
to put in much effort.

Among the parties submitted

were the "Party for the Poor",
"Party for all the Poor",

"Hungarian Party of Poor People",

and "Hungarian Party
of People Who Want to Do",

which sounds less
like a political party,

more like a no-nonsense
Hungarian orgy.

We did not come to party
for shrimp cocktail.

We're Hungarian people
who want to do !

Let's do right now,
right here, at "to do" party !

Let's do !

So to recap in Hungary
there are real parties, fake parties,

and there's also a third cathegory
that falls between them, joke parties,

like the Two-tailed Dog party,

who've made promises including:
eternal life, two sunsets a day,

a network of express buses
which stop nowhere,

and flooding the streets with beer
on holidays to combat traffic problems.

If you are interested
in what their candidates look like,

I'll give you a truly incredible
interview on Hungarian Television.

The next candidate
to present their program

is the Hungarian
Two-tailed Dog Party.

Our guest is Jozsef Tichy-Racs
fron Two-tailed Dog Party,

nominated candidate
and spokesman.

Okay, first of all, the sounds
that chicken made is not...

So I'm gonna go out on a limb here
and say that is not a real chicken.

But that chicken man's appearance
actually only happened

because that Hungarian TV channel
promised to give 5 minutes of airtime

to every party.

And you have to hand it
to that chicken,

because he used his time wisely
by reading a pre-prepared statement.

I didn't want to interrupt,
but we only have 23 seconds left.

Do you ? How on Earth is he going
to use those remaining seconds ?

He might touch on...

I absolutely love that chicken
and not just because I identify

with peaky Europeann
in rectangular black rimmed glasses.

But because...
You're laughing to hard at that...

If Hungary's choice

was between an incumbent
threatening its very democracy

and a party trying to pivot away
from its anti-semitic past,

you cam make a pretty good case
that "coc-coc-kadesh"

might not actually have been
their stupidest option.

And now this !

And now, coming up
on "The Doctors" !

- Stress is bad but did you know...
- It's shrinking our brains !

Not to worry,
the docs can stop the shrink !

Then... Cannabis for kids ?!
The doctors debate !

Why police weren't horsing around
with this woman accused of DUI.

That's a real thing !

Plus a trip to Paradise
takes a terryfing turn

as a man's testicle explode !

Plus one of the most embarassing
medical confessionals we've ever seen.

I have dingleberries.

Dr. Abs helps us tackle !
Top trending health gadgets !

Then, the RefrigerDater returns !
Plus, farting to avoid flirting !

The doctors are getting personal,
starting with your poop !

- You ready ?
- Yes !

Than that poop will !

Plus, the medical emergency
that had a woman...

... vomiting her own feces.

It's coming up !

Moving on !

Our main story tonight
concerns pornography.

Some believe it should be
available and accesible,

others think "It's not for me,
"but it's fine for other people",

and a few people think
it should be banned.

Did I say pornography ?
Sorry, I meant abortion.

Our main story tonight
is abortion.

Yes, we have talked
about it before.

We looked at the way
abortion laws in America

have made access
to abortion difficult,

as clinics all over the country
have shut down,

but tonight we're gonna focus
on the opposite of an abortion clinic.

Something called
a Crisis Pregnancy Center,

facilities whose purpose

is to talk women
out of terminating a pregnancy.

Something
they don't make that clear.

Instead, running
friendly looking ads !

Before you make the decision

about a pregnancy that comes
at a last-than-perfect time,

get jelly on the belly,
come to Sunrise Woman's Clinic.

Okay. Jelly on the belly
is a pretty childish way

to describe
an important medical procedure.

I'm not sure
that I would trust a doctor

that refer colonoscopies as
"looking for cooties in the booties".

Second, one of the early pregnancy
options that you won't get a Sunrise

is an abortion,
but that can be hard to tell

from their vague name and marketing
and that happens a lot wits cps's.

Take the Center for Pregnancy
Choices in Mississippi.

It sounds like a welcoming place.
The website even has links

labeled "Thinkind Abortion ?"
and "Thinking Parenting ?"

and it was founded by a woman named
Barbara Beavers,

whose very name sounds like that
of a sassy mother in a TV show

about a family of beavers.

It would be called "Hot Dam"
and it would be absolutely delightful.

But once that you are inside her CPC
you will find that it's vehemently

against any choice that is not
carrying a pregnancy to term.

Just listen to Barbara explain
where she stands on abortion.

You're deceiving yourself
if you say you can kill your baby

and it's be good for you.

That's just deception.
That's not true.

It doesn't register with reality.
Mamas, women are not made that way.

They are made to protect in the garden,
to die for their babies !

Not their babies to die for them.

Holy shit ! Let me be
perfectly clear, Barbara !

The only females made to die
for their babies are Pacific salmon.

They lay thousands of eggs
and the die after spawning.

You're welcome, tune in next week,
for more Johnny O's Fish Facts,

Wildlife Wonders,
and Abortion.

Centers like that one
are proliferating.

There are now 2 700
pregnancy centers in America,

compared to less than
1 700 abortion providers

and the discrepancy is even worse
in certain states.

Mississippi for example
has one abortion clinic

and 38 crisis pregnancy centers.

So if they are that prevalent, people
should absolutely know what they are.

If you believe abortion is immoral,
you are allowed to set up

a center dedicating
to convincing women of that.

But what is happening with cps's
is that way too often

women with unplanned pregnancies
are being actively misled

while trying to access healthcare.

And cpc's seem happy to have
confuse them for abortion clinics.

Just listen to Abby Johnson,
an anti-abortion activist

adressing a conference for one
of the largest CPC organizations.

We want to appear neutral
on the outside.

The best client you ever get

is one that thinks they're walking
into an abortion clinic, okay ?

Those are the best clients
that could walk in your door

or call you center.

The ones that think
you provide abortions.

Normally the strategy
"pretend you're an abortion clinic"

is not actually
a great marketing stunt,

although I am pretty sure
that RadioShack would have tried that.

Sorry, we don't actually
perform abortions here,

but can I interest you in a gently
used USB cord or a Microsoft Zune.

They come in brown !

The efforts to conceal their
true intent takes many forms.

Starting with the name. Many CPC's
have the word "choice" in their names.

Like "Choices Women Center",
"Informed Choices Medical"

and all these other CPC's, which
features "choice" in their name.

Almost every product does a bit
of misleading advertising.

No one would buy Pepsi if they
were honest and called it "Sad Coke".

You wouldn't buy a Mini Cooper
if they admitted they were just

clown cars for regular people.

It should be easy to clarify
any misconceptions with a phone call,

that can be difficult.

Listen to what happens when one
woman called a CPC for information

and keep in mind that the center
never provides abortions.

The White Rose,
may I help you ?

I was wondering how much you charge
for a first trimester abortion ?

I really can't.
It's not, excuse me.

It's our policy, that we just like
the people to come in

and we can discuss then
and go forward.

CPC's can lure women to meet
with them on false pretenses.

They are catfishing them,
because catfish are constantly trying

to get women who are out of their
league to fuck them.

You thought we were out
of fish facts, you were wrong,

we have millions,
I can do this all day.

I'm not going to,
because we're talking about abortion.

CPC's can even intercept
people's internet searches

and routinely by google keyword ads
for phrases like abortion

and abortion clinic and frequently
try and phisically intercept people.

They often locate themselves as
close as possible to abortion clinics.

One provider in Hartford ran into
problems with a similarly named CPC

when they deliberately located
just 20 feet from them.

This woman speaks candidly about
the decision she had to make

after becoming pregnant
after a rape.

I didn't want the baby.
It was a lot on my soul.

She decided to seek the services
of the Hartford GYN.

She went for counseling

and the clinic's neighbour
"Hartford Women's Health"

tried to offer
unsolicited counsel as well.

They tried to tuck me over there.
I said: "You making me feel bad."

That's absolutely horrible.
Incidents like that was so routine,

the abortion clinic, to keep clients
from going to the wrong place,

painted the ramp outside
bright yellow, like The Wizard of Oz.

That movie too involves a young woman
getting stopped by idiots bothering her

and she just tries to get
where she needs to go.

When CPC's can't get a physical
location next to an abortion clinic,

they have another trick up their
sleeve and that is buses,

that can park outside
and try and tempt women in.

Many CPC's operate mobile clinics
with the help of organizations

like "Save the Storks", a name which
should immediately set off red flags.

Let me go into this van and talk
to someone who thinks

babies are brought by a deformed
pigeon on stilts.

To listen to them tell it, their vans
are an absolute joy to be inside.

These vehicles fit in one spot,
at the door of an abortion clinic.

They have a bathroom on it, to be
able to do a pregnancy test,

built-in refrigerator, the seats
are leather, this massage chair,

is really good for the back.

We've had good reviews from pregnant
women on the massage chair.

If someone wanted to spend their time
in the back of a plush van

and then be told not to have
an abortion,

they'd just fuck
the lead singer of Creed.

Once CPC's have women inside
their building or van,

they can employ every tactic to try
and get them to change their mind.

Every tactic in the book.
Heartbeat International,

which has 1 400 affiliates in US,
has this handbook,

with suggested scripts featuring
some nonsense information.

It suggests telling pregnant women
that 35% of suicidal behaviour

may be attributable to abortion,
which is bullshit.

It also says that abortion almost
doubles the risk of breast cancer,

which is also bullshit.

While abortion is far less medically
dangerous than carrying a child to term

that hasn't stopped CPC employees
from saying things like this...

If people die due to an abortion
later on,

a lot of times they're finding parts
of the fetus in the lungs or heart.

That happens a lot of times,
doesn't it ?

You're often looking
in the obituaries and see:

Sarah Mitchell passed away at age 34
after she got baby dicks in the heart.

It happens all the time.
We're tired of reading it.

That medical advice
can actually look pretty legitimate.

CPC's often have the trappings
of a health care facility.

They offer free ultrasounds,
which can sound appealing, it's free.

They're not performing them
so much for medical reasons,

as for emotional manipulation.

Watch this Christian Broadcasting
Network profile of women

who give free ultrasounds in this bus
outside abortion clinics.

They describe
their technique.

They usually start crying as we begin
and cover their eyes,

start peeking out between their fingers
and we call that a baby, and them mom,

youur baby's sucking his thumb
or he has the hiccups.

She and all who operate
the ultrasound machine

will spend as much time as needed
with the new moms.

She stays on that table
until she decides she wants the baby.

If that isn't coercive enough,

technicians at other clinics
have written messages,

like "Hi, mommy and daddy".

If you're gonna write
an unrequested ultrasound message,

at least be creative about it !

"I'm totally pooping in here"
or "I ate my twin"

or "Please don't put this on Facebook,
everyone hates that".

Finally, CPC's can and have misled
women about how pregnant they are

or have delayed their decision
past the point where it's possible.

Watch as one doctor describes a case
of a woman who came to her

in the third trimester, having been
under the care of a CPC

that gave her terrible advice.

They told her she didn't have to worry
or to rush, no time issue,

they do abortion in New York
up until term, which is ridiculous.

When she came to me,
she was too pregnant,

her partner had abandoned her,
she had no money,

she had three other children,
no intention of being pregnant,

during the pregnancy she had been
using drugs and alcohol.

She went to end the pregnancy and
I had to tell her: you'll have a baby.

That is heartbreaking. For all
the lenghts that CPC's will go to,

many don't do a key thing and that's
give women access to birth control.

That script from before instructs CPC's
to tell people:

"condoms are ineffective
in preventing pregnancy".

Some operators, like Barbara Beavers,
are hard skeptics.

Condoms, they don't prevent,
even used correctly.

There's like a 20% failure rate,
even used correctly.

There's a relatively
high failure rate of condoms.

I thought, if it's used correctly,
it's a 98% rate of success.

I don't believe that.
I don't think that's correct.

I would question it,
so I'll find some of our data.

Why are you laughing, Barbara ?
Is it because, deep down,

even you know that your data
is complete horseshit ?

If you want fewer abortions,
you should love birth control.

You should be filling Pez dispensers
with birth control pills.

You should give condoms out
to trick-or-treaters

and IUD earrings out
as hostess gifts.

Birth control should be
you favorite thing in the whole world.

Many of these CPC's are about more
than just abortions.

They're about controlling
women's sexual behaviour.

Many are church-affiliated, like
the Pregnancy Care Center, in Florida,

started by a Catholic priest,
father Thomas Euteneuer.

I don't wanna say he had
a condescending view of women,

watch him describe the lenghts
he would go to to lure them away

from entering an abortion clinic.

I remember when they had
the fence up in front of the place.

I decided I would talk to women
over the fence, on top of the ladder,

and talking to them...

That generated a 911 call,

because
I was now talking down to women.

I was both literally and figuratively
talking down to them.

I made it clear they were merely
vessels for giving birth...

I don't actually even see them
as full humans.

That's why what I do is funny.
I'm a chuckle monster.

That's priceless !

Quick side notes
about that particular priest.

He admitted
to violating the boundaries of chastity

with a woman who accused him of
molesting her for two years,

during what was supposed
to be an exorcism

and some of the details
in the allegations are insane.

He kissed the corners of her mouth,
stroked her legs, breasts and thighs,

caressed her face,
laid his body on top of hers

and explained full passionate kisses
as blowing the Holy Spirit into her.

Let's be clear ! If you're doing
anything that can be described

as blowing
the Holy Spirit into someone,

you are very much
doing kissing wrong.

Unless your idea of exorcism
is making the woman burp a lot,

you're also doing exorcisms
wrong as well.

It could be why
it took you two years.

You might be wondering how
you can give women ultrasounds

and inaccurate medical information
and not break the law.

CPC's are careful to stop
just short of the line,

where they will be regulated
as health care providers.

This offers them
numerous advantages.

They're not subject to HIPAA,
a federal law requiring

that patients informations
be kept private, not ideal

in a setting where such sensitive
information is being shared.

If you're not already
angry enough,

the government actually funds
CPC's, you are paying for them.

They can get federal funding
and 16 states use taxpayer money

to fund them directly.

They will say that their beliefs
can justify the methods you've seen.

They might point to the assistance
that some centers provide to mothers,

like parenting classes and free
diapers, which is great,

if those women want to be mothers.

As Abby Johnson advised CPC
operators in that conference,

that help
can be surprisingly limited.

If I were to open a pregnancy center,

I would not have pregnancy items
past six months.

Are we running a charity ?
Are we running a place

where we want women
do become self-sufficient ?

Have maternity clothes, things
available while they're pregnant,

but cut them off !

So we're just not in a position where
we can take care of a baby forever,

we don't have the time
or the resources,

so we're choosing not to make
that commitment now,

to which I would say:
yeah, exactly.

The real point here is...

The tactics that CPC's often use
are disingenuous and predatory

and it's critical that people
understand that, but they don't.

Watch how one local news outlet
covered the opening of a CPC

in the gigantic Care Net network.

Schuylkill County is the only
county in our area

that does not have
a Planned Parenthood,

but that doesn't mean teens
don't have a place to go for help.

Karen expanded to two facilities,
one for parents

and one for expecting mothers
under the age of 21.

Don't say that ! If you want
all the options available to you,

those two
are not remotely the same.

Like saying our town doesn't have
a youth sports league,

but we do have a large scary man
who will chase your kids around.

He too operates
out of a van.

People need to understand this
because now it's too easy

for a religious organization
to disguise its true nature,

establish a CPC and provide women
with poor information

about one of their most
important health choices.

I can prove how easy it is.
Back in season two,

I established the Church
Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption,

with my lovely wife
Wanda Jo Oliver.

Last week we filed paperwork in NY
to create a new nonprofit,

Our Lady of Choosing Choice, to set up
our own crisis pregnancy center.

Where will our clinic be ?
Depends. Where are you now ?

Our clinic has wheels
and we will travel...

Behold our new mobile CPC !

Look at it !
Behold the roaring thunder !

There is no way
that I would open this alone !

Howdy there !

Howdy there, my Wanda Jo !

Praised be and welcome
to Vanned Parenthood !

Thank you so much. In this van
we are allowed to tell women

whatever dubious information
comes into our heads.

That's right, my John !
I tell women, if they get an abortion,

it'll make a ghost baby
that'll haunt them forever.

Spooky !
What else do you say, Wanda ?

Getting an abortion turns
your breast milk into "kombucha".

- That is weird.
- It is.

One more fact,
for the people at home.

After an abortion, your vagina
seals shut like en egyptian tomb.

A striking image ! These are all
things that we could say.

I'm not legally required in NY
to use this ultrasound machine.

That's terryfing. In that case,
let's get some jelly on some belly.

Let's do it. I got grapes, raspberry
and some gummy bears.

- Praised be !
- What's going on over here ?

There's the baby, right there.
You're pregnant.

- It's a miracle !
- I'm with child.

I gotta ask you a tricky question.
How do you feel about birth control ?

I do give out condoms, but I tell
people they're zero percent effective.

- How's that possible...
- Because I cut these suckers.

To blow the Holy Spirit
right on through !

Just like our church,
we are tax exempt

and we could be eligible
for government funding.

- Praise discretionary budgets !
- Praise the pregnancy tests !

Praise privacy law loopholes !

Praise women who are too emotional
to take decisions for their bodies.

Wanda Jo, don't cry !

This is all perfectly legal and
there is nothing stopping us

from parking outside an abortion
clinic tonight and haranguing people,

and frankly
they're really fucking should be.

That is our show. See you next week.
Goodnight !

Shall we enter ?

Would you give me a wanding ?

Beautiful !

- Praised be !
- It's a miracle.

It's a special miracle.
And it's all allowed.

All of this is allowed.

LAST WEEK TONIGHT
WITH JOHN OLIVER

END OF EPISODE 7,
SEASON V