Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 25 - Brazilian Elections - full transcript

LAST WEEK TONIGHT
WITH JOHN OLIVER

SEASON V
EPISODE 25

Welcome to Last Week Tonight.

I'm John Oliver.
Thank you for joining us.

We begin with President Trump,
the mentally unstable man

with nuclear weapons
who we all love making angry.

By his standards, the president
had a pretty good week

and it says something about those
standards that a pretty good week

still includes
a "New York Times" investigation

about him possibly
having committed tax fraud,

a story that you forgot about
until just now and also this.



Yesterday while boarding Air Force One,
see there on his left foot ?

Commander in Chief
climbing the stairs

with what appears to be
some toilet paper stuck to his shoe.

While that is funny, it's also
unsurprising, isn't it ?

No one would be shocked
if he boarded Air Force One

with an entire toilet
stuck to his shoe.

It would be totally on brand.
The big news was Brett Kavanaugh,

confirmed
to the Supreme Court yesterday.

His confirmation was guaranteed
when Susan Collins announced

she was voting yes, decision described
by the "Wall Street Journal" op-ed page

as "Susan Collins Consents", their
most grossly inappropriate headline

since 1963's
"Kennedy Blows His Top".

While many were concerned about how
this would affect Christine Ford,

who testified so bravely,
the president,



who had said
that he found Ford credible,

made fun of her during a rally

and argued everyone was forgetting
the real victims in this process.

It's a very scary time
for young men in America,

when you can be guilty of something
that you may not be guilty of.

This is a very difficult time.

Is it though ? This seems like a way
less scary time for young men

than for old men in America.

'Cause of the two people
in this picture,

Timmy is getting information
about what sexual assault is

and how not to commit it as he prepares
for the rocky waters of his puberty,

while grandpa is stuck with
all the sexual assaults he's committed.

Look at him clenching that baseball.
He knows what he did !

And there's nothing left to do
but run out the clock.

What became clear this week was
that no step in this process

had a chance of altering
Republicans' course.

Not Blasey Ford's testimony, the wildly
inadequate FBI investigation,

not a letter signed
by 2 400 law professors

saying they opposed his appointment,
not even Justice Stevens

arguing that after watching
Kavanaugh's testimony,

he no longer felt that
he was fit to serve on the court.

No one embodied the Republicans
indifference better than Orrin Hatch,

who was confronted by protestors
and reacted like this.

Why aren't you brave enough
to talk to us and exchange with us ?

Don't you wave your hand at me.
I wave my hand at you.

- When you grow up.
- When we grow up ?!

How dare you talk to women that
way. How dare you ?

Setting aside the condescension
of telling adult women to grow up,

that wave
is a pretty clear "fuck you".

I believe that wave is what
they call a "Utah middle finger".

If one thing characterized
this process,

it was a shameless
commitment to bad-faith argument

appealing to principles
you don't believe in

or have no intention
of upholding.

Look at Mitch McConnell. He accused
Democrats of being obstructionist,

which is a little hard to take
from someone

who not only blocked Merrick Garland,
he even bragged about it.

One of my proudest moments is when
I looked at Obama in the eye

and I said: "You will not
fill this Supreme Court vacancy."

One of your proudest moments ?
McConnell has three children.

An awkward Thanksgiving when you
have to look at them and tell them

that nothing that they have done
can possibly compare to that one time

you were a dick
to the cool president.

Chuck Grassley railed against
the falsehoods

that he said Democrats had
circulated against Kavanaugh.

When presented with
a baseless conspiracy theory

about the protestors
who yelled at Jeff Flake,

look how quickly
he co-signed on it.

Do you believe George Soros
is behind this,

paying these people to get you
and your colleagues in elevators

or wherever they can get
in your face ?

I have heard
so many people believe that.

I tend to believe it.
I believe it fits in his attack mode

that he has and how he uses
his billions of resources.

You know that's bullshit,
Grassley, don't you ?

George Soros isn't paying people
to yell at Jeff Flake in an elevator.

It's unnecessary. People will
happily do that for free.

People would pay to yell
at Jeff Flake in an elevator.

If Disney World had a ride called
"Yell At Jeff Flake In An Elevator",

the line would be longer
than Space Mountain.

There was Susan Collins,
whose "yes" vote

should not have been
surprising to anyone.

She disappoints at a rate associated
with dinners cooked by divorced dads.

This isn't dad's special spaghetti,
it's Ragu and rice.

Give me a gummy vitamin
and let's call it a day.

Collins engaged in some
spectacular bad faith bullshit.

In announcing her "yes" vote,
she waxed indignant

about the "dark money" she felt
had corrupted this process.

We have seen special interest groups
whip their followers into a frenzy.

Interest groups have also spent
an unprecedented amount

of dark money
opposing this nomination.

Here's the thing: there was
a lot of dark money in this process.

An estimated $9 million was spent
on TV ads surrounding the nomination.

But the vast majority of that,
around $7 million,

was spent in support
of Kavanaugh.

More than half of that $7 million
came from just one group,

the Judicial Crisis Network,
who ran ads like this one.

The accusations against
Brett Kavanaugh are a smear.

The women who know him best
dispute them.

That's not the Brett I know.

Kavanaugh is a good man.

He never became someone
different after drinking.

He never ever was out of control.

He'd be the guy
to look out for other people.

It never happened.
Confirm Kavanaugh.

"It never happened."

The reason they can be sure is
that they have five whole women

saying
they support Kavanaugh.

Except not really.
'Cause it turns out,

this woman and this woman
are actually the same person.

Which is weird,
because why stop there ?

Why not make it look like 50 women
are vouching for Kavanaugh,

or 50 000, or just four tiny women
and one giant one.

If Kavanaugh had sexually assaulted
someone, she would have seen it.

She sees everything.

This entire process
wasn't about principle.

It was about getting what you want,
no matter how you have to do it,

or what damage it does,
to Dr. Ford, to other survivors,

or to our fundamental trust
in the Supreme Court.

It was borderline pathological.
Which brings us back to the president.

In Minnesota this week,
there was one moment

where his "win at all costs"
philosophy was laid terrifyingly bare.

He chose to make fun of Al Franken
who resigned from the Senate

after multiple accusations
of sexual misconduct.

Trump mocked him
not for what he'd done,

but for being dumb enough
to take responsibility for it.

I don't want to mention
Al Franken's name.

Ok, so I won't mention it.
He was gone. He was gone so fast !

It was like, he did something.
"I resign. I quit."

What are you making fun of ?
I did something wrong

and I got caught,
so now I have to leave !

Yes.
That's how it's supposed to go.

Trump has gotten away
with so much in his life,

for so long that he mocks
the very idea of accountability.

I bet in the Trump household,
the board game "Sorry !"

is just called "Pussy !"

Here's the thing, it worked:
and the Republicans won this week.

And it could take decades
to undo the damage.

If you are looking for where to start,
November the sixth is one month away

and you have a chance to deliver
the only kind of accountability

that matters to Trump
and his party.

While it is by no means
a foregone conclusion,

it is the only chance that we have
to look some of these people

and say: "goodbye".

And now, this.

Tell Weather Channel's Graphics
Department to take it down a notch.

It wants to rise up, as it does that,
it cools and condenses,

blows over the city and
it just starts puking snow.

You start gliding like skis,
swerving in all different directions.

The semi might break through the ice,
you think about multiple cars.

Then we run into trouble.

You need that
to support the weight.

The track at Churchill Downs
is a one mile loop.

I add water,
Miracle-Gro and voila,

we get ourselves
my favorite tree, the Maple Tree.

When you have
a full supermoon and a lunar eclipse,

we don't have that this year,
we have a new moon,

which means
it's going to be very dark.

When you see debris,
you know you've got a tornado.

Golfball size hail. Baseball size
hail. It can get up to softball size.

Six feet of water, imagine that.
That carries large objects in it.

Let me stand back ! Those
manhole covers, they can blast.

There could be extensive
power outagesý Air like missiles.

I'm grabbing my helmet
and I'm taking shelter now !

Moving on. Now, our main
story tonight concerns Brazil.

Home of that one famous statue
that I don't know the name of

'cause I'm too embarrassed to
Google "come at me bro, Jesus statue."

We tend to think of Brazil as
being synonymous with soccer,

beaches, and, of course,
the Rio carnival,

the celebration that has inspired
newsreel reports since the 1930s.

Down in Rio,
they're turning night into day.

It's the final day of the big carnival
and a mere couple of million Cariocas

are out on a great whoopee.

Those fun-seeking Cariocas are having
themselves a great whoopee !

What an excitable group of people
they are ! What a fun bunch.

I admit, the tone of British
newsreels in the past is condescending,

although
before you get too judgmental,

you might want to see
an American one from the same era.

Brazil itself is larger than
the whole of the United States

and it has millions of acres of land
no white man has ever seen.

That basic geography lesson
took a pretty racist turn.

The point is,
none of us have our hands are clean.

Anyway: the reason that I want
to talk about Brazil tonight

is that they had a massive
election today.

The first of two rounds, to elect,
among others, a new president

and while results are coming in
as we speak,

it is worth talking about it
for a number of reasons.

Brazilian politics
can be a lot of fun.

Broadcasters have to provide free
airtime to political parties

and some candidates use that airtime
to really fuck around.

There've been ads for
a guy dressed as a grasshopper,

a dancing chicken,
a small, elderly version of Robin,

a surprisingly healthy-looking
Osama bin Laden, Captain America,

a husky Spider-Man, and
my favorite, "Geraldo Wolverine".

I'm Geraldo Wolverine !
11232 !

I know what you're thinking.

If Hillary had just done that,
things would be different.

We'll never know, will we ?

The election has been crazy for reasons
that go beyond novelty wolverines.

If you think:
"Why should I care about it ?"

First, that's a pretty hostile
way to put it. But second:

Brazil is home to 200 million people,
the fifth largest country on earth.

They could be on the brink of massive
change, because Brazilians are pissed.

95 percent of them say the country
is headed in the wrong direction.

There is a real chance that they're
about to elect a dangerous ideologue,

with potentially
disastrous consequences.

Let us look at why that is the case.
You really need to understand

that Brazil is emerging from
the worst recession in its history.

Millions are out of work, and in some
regions, crime is out of control.

Last year, there were more
than 63 000 homicides in Brazil,

more than Europe
and the United States combined.

If you live in Rio, you're probably
acutely aware of that fact.

Thirty percent of the citizens
that live in Rio

was in the middle
of a crossfire once in the last year.

30 percent
were in the middle of crossfire.

Rio's weather channel should include
crossfire in their forecasts.

Today's cloudy, with a 30 percent
chance of a hailstorm of bullets.

So, maybe bring
a light flak jacket with you.

The general dissatisfaction about
crime has been exacerbated

by a corruption scandal
arising from an investigation

known as "Operation Car Wash".

I realize that that doesn't sound
like the name of a major investigation.

It sounds like a Netflix original
comedy starring Kevin James,

recommended because you watched
one episode of "Chef's Table".

I don't know
what your algorithm is, Netflix,

but I fucking hate it.

"Operation Car Wash" and the scandal
uncovered by it

is way too complicated to get into.

Suffice to say that it involved
this gas station, these two companies,

inflated contracts, bribes and
kickbacks to government officials

and an elderly gentleman who flew
around the world with bricks of cash,

strapped beneath
thigh-high socks and a Spanx-like vest.

Which explains this year's
hottest Halloween costume:

Sexy Car Wash Co-Conspirator.

The sheer scale of this scandal
is mind-blowing,

as the lead prosecutor
will tell you.

How does Car Wash
compare to Watergate ?

- Car Wash is much, much bigger.
- Bigger than Watergate ?

Much bigger. We already
have charged more than 200 people

for hundreds of crimes.

The amount of bribes paid
go up to about $2 billion.

$2 billion
and bigger than Watergate.

Richard Nixon must be
spinning in his grave right now.

Wait a second, out a bit.

No, he's escaped again !
He's done it again.

God damn it, Tricky Dick,
you're so tricky !

Operation Car Wash has rocked
Brazilians' faith in their government.

People there
are understandably disillusioned.

Brazil is heading towards chaos,
that is my impression.

Politicians are not governing.
It's a mess.

I'm going to cast a blank ballot,
we don't know who to vote for.

We put ourselves in this situation.

The country of the future
is the country of misery.

"The country of misery."

That's just not a phrase that
you expect to come out of Brazil.

A phrase you expect to be the official
tourism slogan of Great Britain.

Come to Britain: we promise
there will be no great whoopee.

Whose job will it be to try and
turn things around in Brazil ?

The most popular politician
in Brazil, by far, is this guy,

former president
Luiz Inácio Lula Da Silva.

He is beloved for presiding
over a period of prosperity,

social programs were expanded,
millions were lifted out of poverty.

He was running to re-take his office
and was projected to win easily.

There was just one minor issue.

One of Brazil's most influential
political figures is in police custody.

Former Brazilian President Luiz
Lula da Silva turned himself in

on Saturday to serve
a 12-year sentence for corruption.

Lula was caught up
in Operation Car Wash, too.

He claims that the charges
were politically motivated

and many supporters
believe him.

He's still so popular that polls showed
he would've won the election

if he'd been allowed
to run from prison.

Electing a president who is already
in prison for corruption does save you

the seemingly inevitable hassle
of having to put your president

in prison for corruption.

It's a time saver
if nothing else.

Since Lula is out, his party is
running Fernando Haddad in his place.

He's the former mayor
of Sao Paulo

and is generally little-known
in the rest of Brazil.

Instead of trying to build up
a brand of his own,

Haddad tried to play up
his similarity to Lula,

in a series of ads, it's subtle,
but just see if you can catch it.

Come on. That is just an insult
to people's intelligence.

You can't just spin a sign and
make people forget which guy is which.

I can't make you mix up
Gary Busey and Lucille Ball

by spinning a sign and going:

"Busey, Lucy, Busey, Lucy."

Because you will still know
which one is America's sweetheart

and which was married
to Desi Arnaz.

Haddad has his work cut out
for him here.

'Cause not only is he not Lula,
their party,

the Workers' Party, or PT, has been
heavily tainted by recent scandals.

Many Brazilians
are eager for a radical change.

That brings us to the man
leading in the polls: Jair Bolsonaro.

The nicest thing
you can say for him is:

he has not been implicated in
a corruption investigation, yet.

Unfortunately, that's the only nice
thing that I can find to say about him,

'cause he is
a terrible human being.

For a start, he's a big fan
of doing finger guns.

Seriously, he does this
all the fucking time.

There is even video
of him teaching a little girl

how to do them for some reason.

Liking finger guns
is an immediate character flaw.

It puts him in the august
company of Michael Scott,

children pretending to be cowboys
and that coworker who says

things like "workin' hard
or hardly workin'"

that everybody hates.

And unfortunately,
it only gets worse from there.

A member of the Brazilian Congress
since 1991, and known for his racist,

misogynistic, homophobic
and even undemocratic views,

Bolsonaro has cast himself
as a political outsider.

Offensive for most, it is his outspoken
nature that has many saying,

he's Brazil's version
of Donald Trump.

He's become known there
as "the Brazilian Trump",

which is both politically worrisome
and also the grossest style to order

at a pubic hair salon.

I'll take the Brazilian Trump,
please,

it's where you rip everything
off the front area

but you comb some ass hair around
to give the illusion of hair.

That's what it is. I'm not showing
you that, you're imagining it.

That's in your head. Don't be angry
with me, be angry with yourself.

Bolsonaro has fired up many
young people in Brazil,

from the middle
and upper classes.

There are some incredible videos
of him turning up to airports,

only to be mobbed by a crowd
lifting him onto their shoulders.

It is intense support.
It's worrying that young people

are so excited by him, because he is
an extreme hard-right conservative.

He wants to withdraw Brazil from
the Paris Agreement on climate change,

he's called refugees arriving in
Brazil the "scum of the world".

He wants to make
it easier for Brazilians to buy guns,

presumably so they
can fight it themselves.

But he also favors some psychotically
strong law enforcement, saying:

"a policeman who doesn't kill
isn't a policeman".

Which isn't even in the top-ten most
alarming statements he's made.

Some worry that
he'd actually go much further.

Bolsonaro has said in the past:
"I am in favor of a dictatorship."

Which is particularly worrying,
as he's a former military captain,

in a country that until 1985 was ruled
by a brutal military dictatorship.

And while that regime engaged in
torture and extrajudicial killings,

Bolsonaro has said that their mistake
was that they didn't go far enough.

I am in favor of torture, you know
that. And the people are too.

Through the vote you won't change
anything. Absolutely nothing !

It's only going to change
when we get to a civil war,

doing the job that the military
regime didn't do: killing 30 000 !

It is pretty jarring to hear someone
claim that a military dictatorship

didn't kill enough people.

Like saying Hugh Hefner didn't fuck
enough in the last days of his life.

Really ? I'm sure the amount he did
it was already a human rights abuse.

Regarding Bolsonaro's
famous homophobia and misogyny,

it really has to be seen
to be believed.

Take a look at how he once spoke
to a female member of Congress.

I would never rape you,
you're not worth it.

I hope not because
I'd slap you in the face.

Do it, I'll slap you back.

- Are you pushing me ?
- Do it, I'll slap you back.

He starts with "I'd never rape you,
'cause you're not worth it"

and then somehow manages
to top that terrible statement.

That's like saying: "Sorry, kids,
Christmas is cancelled this year."

"Why ? Because I
murdered Santa Claus."

Bolsonaro's homophobia
is actually even worse.

In interview after interview,
he has said horrifying things.

They want to reach our children in
order to turn children into gay adults

to satisfy
their sexuality in the future.

If your child starts
to become like that, a little gay,

take a whip
and change their behavior.

People say it's discrimination,
but you, who's watching from home,

would you hire a gay driver
to take your children to school ?

That's appalling. It's taking
all the restraint that I have

not to release a charmingly
illustrated children's book called

"Marlon Bundo Punches that
Guy Right Square In the Face."

If that's not bad enough,
which it already very comfortably is,

watch what happened when Ellen Page
went to challenge Bolsonaro.

I'm gay, so do you think
I should have been beaten as a child

to not be gay now ?

I'm not going to look at you and say:
"I think you're gay."

That doesn't matter to me.
You're very nice.

If I were a cadet in the military
academy and saw you on the street,

I would whistle at you,
you're very pretty.

What are you doing ?
He just told her:

"I wouldn't beat you,
I would catcall you"

and seemed to genuinely
think that was a compliment.

Look how confused
that made Ellen Page.

Do you know how hard it is
to confuse Ellen Page ?

She was in "Inception" !
That should be simply impossible !

As if Bolsonaro's campaign was
not already dramatic enough,

you may have heard, he was
stabbed a few weeks ago during a rally.

Which is horrific. Although he says
he is making a full recovery.

You can tell he is feeling better,
'cause when he was in hospital,

he pulled out
the fucking finger guns.

Bolsonaro's support has increased
since that attack.

Even Geraldo Wolverine endorsed
him, in this bizarre video.

I hate what he's doing.
I love the way he's doing it.

Why is Wolverine
endorsing Bolsonaro ? I don't know.

Why does he seem to
be driving a Ford Focus ?

There's lot of questions
that that video raises

and I just don't have
the answers to any.

There may be
some small reason for hope here.

A huge movement has emerged
called "Ele Nao" or not him.

There have been massive marches
against Bolsonaro all over Brazil.

And as you have seen tonight,

voting for "not him"
is a truly excellent idea.

Today's election was supposed
to just determine who went

into a two-person runoff
on October 28th.

If any candidate got
50 percent or above,

there would be
no second round.

They would just be
Brazil's president.

As of right now, the vote tally shows
Bolsonaro at around 48 percent,

with over three-quarters
of the votes counted.

While he will probably go
to a runoff with Haddad,

there is still a chance
he's going to win outright tonight.

Why wouldn't that happen ?
Between taping this show and airtime,

Bolsonaro could have won,

Ruth Bader Ginsburg could
have been eaten by a bear

and every kitten's paws could have
been replaced by octopus tentacles.

Possible,
it seems that's what life is now.

If Bolsonaro has not won,
if there is going to be a runoff,

then it's still, it isn't too late.

Brazil, please look: you are disgusted
with your politics at the moment.

And you're not inspired
by any of the alternatives.

But anything is better than
Bolsonaro. Diet Lula is better.

Spider-Man is better.
Gary Busey is better.

That is Gary Busey,
I'm pretty sure that's him.

Bolsonaro does not reflect the best
of who you are, Brazil.

And with any luck, you still have
a chance to vote "Ele Nao".

And not let this man fingerbang
your democracy. And now this.

Scenes From
Sean Hannity's Midlife Crisis.

I train an hour and a half a day,
mixed martial arts. I fight.

I have been
doing mixed martial arts training.

Sean Hannity is getting
good at martial arts.

I'm doing martial arts. To me,
this is like my martial arts training.

I get up early, I do my martial arts.
And this is my fist, pan in on that.

I do stick training, I do
blade training, firearm training.

You don't know how you're
gonna react in a situation,

but I train for that moment.

You and I would rush
them together.

You're either all in, it's all out war,
or you're not in at all.

I can now do
a hundred pushups, hundred sit-ups

and I'm boxing and punching and
learning street martial arts.

I never will start a fight, but if
somebody starts a fight with me,

I'm gonna finish the fight.

That's our show.
See you next week, goodnight !

LAST WEEK TONIGHT
WITH JOHN OLIVER

END OF EPISODE 25,
SEASON V