Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Italian Election - full transcript

[HBO] HD. Main story: Italian election; plus, Trump's idea to arm teachers; Canadian PM Justin Trudeau and Donald Trump Jr. in India.

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Welcome to Last Week Tonight!

I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us!

Before we start this evening,
a quick update regarding this show.

You may remember that last year,
we did an episode on coal.

In which we talked about this man,
Bob Murray.

We said a lot of things about him,

culminating in a seven-foot
squirrel telling him to eat shit.

And he sued us for defamation.
It's true.

That case has been going on
ever since,

but we learned that the judge
has said he's going to dismiss it.

Now. It's not final yet.

I've been advised not to say
much more for now. So I won't.

Because as I think we know now,
now is not the time for victory laps.

It's not a time for gloating.
It's not a time for saying, "We won".

Rubbing it in the face of the person
who lost, over and over again.

That time will come.
It will come and I promise

that we will discuss this whole case
as soon as we are able to.

Until then, my furry friend, away!

He'll be back
I promise he will be back.

So for now tonight, let's move on
to a quick recap of the week,

which was dominated
by the debate over gun control,

in the wake
of last week's school shooting.

But the president has said

that he is determined to stop this
from ever happening again,

and he even gave us a glimpse
of his new plan.

While Trump says he's listening
to new ideas about school safety,

he emphasized arming teachers
and other school personnel,

an idea backed
by the National Rifle Association.

We need to let people know:
you come into our schools,

you're gonna be dead
and it's going to be fast.

Okay, so first thing there:

"You're going to be dead
and it's going to be fast"

is already the slogan for Carl's Jr.,
so you can't use that.

Trump's support for this terrible idea
seemed to develop over the week.

He focus-grouped it during a session
featuring survivors of the shooting

a session for which his own notes
included a reminder to say,

"I hear you",
which is what you might write down

if you were a robot
pretending to be a person

pretending to be a robot
pretending to be a person.

Not surprisingly, arming some teachers
did not go down too well in that room.

Watch what happened
when he asked for a show of hands.

Does anybody like that idea?
Here? Does anybody like it?

Right? Yes?
For Meadow, your beautiful Meadow.

We talked about that.

And do people
feel strongly against it?

Anybody? Strongly against it?

All right.
We can understand both sides.

That is Donald Trump
in a nutshell:

proposing a terrible idea
in a tone-deaf way,

then refusing to acknowledge
he just lost a popular vote.

There are clearly multiple issues
with the idea of arming teachers

from the fact
that it is not their job,

to the fact that there was
an armed deputy in Parkland

and that didn't deter
or stop the shooter

but even the logistics
of this plan are pretty daunting.

There are over three million
public school teachers nationwide

and four hundred thousand
in private schools.

Arming twenty percent of them
as Mr. Trump suggested Thursday,

would mean more than 700000
people with guns in schools.

Yeah, so it's no wonder
the NRA likes this solution.

It involves buying
hundreds of thousands of guns.

And that's their solution
to everything.

They'd deal with climate change
by pointing a Glock at the ocean

and daring that motherfucker
to rise.

And it's worth noting
that one of the many key groups

expressing doubts
about this idea is teachers.

This does not pass
any common sense test whatsoever.

National Education Association said
more guns in school is not a solution.

The problem
is that very dangerous people

have very easy access
to very dangerous weapons.

She's right, and she's using
the patient, exasperated tone

of a teacher explaining something
to the dumbest student in her class

which, in a way, she is.

"Donald, your answer
doesn't make sense."

"Also, we don't actually want
'less' guns in schools."

"We want 'fewer' guns
in schools."

"Donald. Donald. Focus Donald.
1-2-3, all eyes on me."

Let's move on to India.
An economic and cultural powerhouse,

the reason that your annoying friend
won't shut up about Bikram yoga.

"We get it Paisley.
You can fuck upside down now."

India hosted
a number of foreign dignitaries.

Canadian Prime Minister
Justin Trudeau,

whose visit
got off to a rocky start.

Prime Minister Modi's
glaring silence

on the visit of Justin Trudeau
hasn't gone unnoticed.

No welcome tweet, no airport hug,
and no joint visit to Gujurat.

Is Prime Minister Justin Trudeau
getting the Modi snub?

It seems like
Modi's treating Trudeau

like a guy who finishes
third on "The Bachelorette",

which is actually
what Justin Trudeau looks like.

He'd get to hometowns, sure.
But after fantasy suite it's done-zo.

That snub may have its roots

in Trudeau's perceived soft approach
to Sikh extremist groups in Canada.

He didn't help the situation

by going in heavy
on the national-dress pandering,

with Indian outfit after Indian outfit
that seemed a bit much.

It's not like,
when Modi visits Ottowa,

he turns up
in full Canadian formal dress,

by which I mean
a gravy-stained Toronto Raptors jersey

and Roots sweatpants.

And it's not just me
who found it over the top.

Listen to this
Indian fashion designer.

I just thought it was a little
too Indian for Indians also,

a little tacky when it came
to the sartorial choices.

I'm glad it's a Canadian designer
and it's not an Indian designer

who's just made
this fashion blunder.

He looked like a backup dancer
for a cheap Bollywood movie.

"A cheap Bollywood movie."

That is a solid zing
from Indian Tim Gunn.

Trudeau's visit turned
out to be the most unwatchable

white person's trip through India
since "The Darjeeling Limited".

But Trudeau was actually lucky,

because his trip was overshadowed
by a visit from Donald Trump Jr.,

named man of the year by "Daddy
Issues" magazine 40 years running.

What brought America's
greatest-living Donald Trump to India?

Was it a profound sense
of wanderlust?

Or did, perhaps, a trash pile
of shitty condos need unloading?

I won't keep you in suspense!

Donald Trump, Jr. Arriving today,

using the Trump brand
to sell new luxury apartments.

Newspaper ads in the country touting,
'Trump has arrived. Have you?'

"Trump has arrived" is unquestionably
what Don Jr. says when he orgasms.

He saves the "have you?"
for special occasions.

And also,
that is a pretty misleading ad.

People assume you mean the President
of the United States, not Don, Jr.

It's like if Ed Sullivan went,
"Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles!"

And then the studio
was just overrun with beetles.

That's not
what people signed up for.

Even those present
were disappointed,

with one real-estate developer
telling "The Washington Post",

"ideally we'd have
preferred Ivanka."

Which yes, is understandable.

But you're coming off
a little ungrateful, India.

Just be thankful you didn't get Eric.
Ok? It could have been worse.

Don, Jr.'s trip started off
a little bumpy as well.

He sat down with CNBC India,
for a softball interview

in which he somehow managed to give
the only wrong answer to the question,

"Can you say one thing
you like about India?"

There is something about the spirit

of the Indian people that's unique here
to other parts of the emerging world.

You go through a town...
I don't mean to be glib about it,

but you can see
the poorest of the poor,

and there's still
a smile on a face.

It's a different spirit that you
don't see in other parts of the world.

Condescending tone aside,

even if "the poorest of the poor"
were smiling at Don, Jr.,

no way that they weren't thinking,
"we would have preferred Ivanka".

The problem with this trip was
the ethical questions that it posed,

in part because those
who bought in to the condos

got offered
"conversation and dinner" with Don, Jr.

Is fine for a private citizen,
but it becomes problematic

if he's perceived
as representing the government.

And while he insisted that he was
just a private businessman,

one speech was originally titled,

"Reshaping Indo-Pacific Ties:
The New Era Of Cooperation",

which sure as shit sounds
like foreign policy.

They must have realized the problem,

because the title was later changed to
"Fireside Chat with Donald Trump Jr.,

"Executive Vice President,
the Trump Organization."

In between, it was billed as "Big Boy
Business With I'm Donald Trump Too."

Still, I will say
this in Donald Jr.'s defense:

it may be difficult for him to sell
access to his father's inner circle.

As he revealed during the fireside chat
he doesn't seem to be anywhere near it.

What are conversations at home like?

I see him so little
that we don't talk politics.

When I think,
'Why don't I call him just to say hi,'

I think about the stuff that
he's dealing with on a daily basis.

When something goes on,
in a country far, far away,

and I'm
man I don't want to bother him.

I feel it's almost trite to call him
and just to say hello.

Does that make any sense?
It probably doesn't.

No you're right.
It doesn't. At all.

Because calling your dad just to
say hello could never seem trite.

Because that's not what the word
"trite" means in any shape or form.

He can call his dad, or not call him,
it doesn't really make a difference.

If we've learned one thing
about Donald Trump,

is that you can be sitting
right in front of him,

and he can even tell you
that he hears you,

but that does not mean he's listening
to a fucking word you're saying.

And now this!

And now:
the quiet pain of Rachael Ray.

My first memory
is of grilling

my own thumb to my mom's griddle
in the restaurant.

Not a pleasant memory
but my first.

Good thing
I can't feel my fingers.

I can't feel most of my digits.

I can't feel any of my fingers
since the late '80s.

I can't feel my fingers.
I can't feel most of my fingers.

I can't feel my fingers.
This finger is so dead

at parties I bet people how long
I can leave it in a flame.

No sensation left really.

A little bit of salt in the sauce
and over the shoulder for luck.

Moving on. Our main story tonight,
our main story tonight concerns Italy.

The country that gave us spaghetti,
the Colosseum,

and the guy who played Turtle.

So it's a rich tapestry.

Italy is holding an election

to select a new parliament,
and a new prime minister.

You're thinking: "I don't know who
Italy's 'current' prime minister is."

"I assumed it was
just a Vespa in a tank top."

Don't be too hard on yourself.
There has been a lot of them.

This will be Italy's 65th government
in just over 70 years.

So it's probably hard for Italians
to remember who their leader is.

For the record, it's this man. Also,
for the record, it's "not" that man.

I typed "Italian man" into a stock
image site and here's what came up.

But this election is coming
at a pivotal time for Italy,

and the run-up to it
has been toxic.

Italy is seeing
a rise in political violence

ahead of its elections
on March 4th.

Riot equipped police fired water canons
and tear gas as they clashed

with far left protesters marching
against a nearby neofascist rally.

Over the past month there have been

political motivated stabbings
and beatings in some Italian cities.

Italy is in turmoil
and is dabbling with fascism.

And that should worry everyone,

because the last time they did that,
they wound up with Mussolini,

the, to put it nicely,
Turner to Hitler's "Hooch".

Sadly, the conditions
are ripe for fascism to flourish there.

Italy is Europe's
third-largest economy,

yet its public debt
is 130% of GDP

for context,
that's second only to Greece.

The bank of Greece is currently
a goat dancing around an open fire.

Unemployment is high. Politicians have
been stoking antiimmigrant sentiments.

Over 600000 migrants have landed
on Italian shores in the last 4 years.

And on top of all of this,

Italy is facing the same problem
that has plagued American elections.

Patrizio Nissirio is a senior editor
at Ansa, Italy's leading news agency.

He says fake news
is exploding across Europe.

It's such a danger
that figures like Pope Francis

warned the press not to spread,
what he made a very strong parallel

between feces
and this kind of news.

That's true!
The Pope reportedly said

fake news is like getting
sexually aroused by feces.

It truly is a magical time
to be alive.

So it seems yet again,

a large European country
is teetering on the edge of chaos.

It is worth looking
at the Italian election,

because everything
about it is fascinating.

And let's begin with the key figures.
Former Prime Minister, Matteo Renzi.

He is a centrist,
and he had to resign

after making a bold attempt
to reform Italy's political system.

A referendum
that did not go well for him.

I lost
and I say it loud and clear,

even if I have a lump in my throat,
I wasn't able to win.

Long live Italy
and good luck to all of us.

This is ominous.

That's like a pilot
coming on over the loudspeaker:

"Looks like ol' Captain Doug
came up short this time."

"Anyway, sit back, relax,
and good luck to all of us."

I would say that that
was Renzi's most humiliating defeat,

but that honor has to go to
his appearance in the nineties

on Italy's "Wheel of Fortune".

- I'd like to give the answer.
- I'd like to see that. Antarctica.

Mountains of ice
and a sea of ships.

Of ships?!

A sea of ships?
What does that have to do with it?

Certainly ships
do go to Antarctica.

It is not good when
the host is joining in:

"I know my only job on this show
is to move things along,"

"but the people have spoken!"

Boo! Boo to you.

Renzi wants a comeback,
but he'll face an uphill battle,

Italy's experiencing a wave
of antiestablishment sentiment.

Understandable. The country
has problems with corruption

and their government
is gridlocked.

One of the most interesting parties
attempting to harness this anger

is called Five Star.

It started eight years ago
in a very unusual way.

He comes onto stage
like a rockstar. Beppe Grillo,

comedian turned fire-breathing curse
flinging critic of the status quo.

Grillo founded his so called
Five Star Movement

first railing on his blog, and
recently in piazzas across the country,

against sky-high taxes,
Italy's legendary red tape,

corrupt politicians, greedy
businessmen and lazy bureaucrats.

Five Star was started by a comedian,
who organized demonstrations

called "Vaffanculo Day," which
translates to "fuck off day".

A great idea for a holiday.
Hallmark should take that concept

'cause I think of a lot of people
I would like to send a card to.

Grillo has since stepped away
from the party

and Five Star's candidate
is 31-year-old Luigi Di Maio.

31 is a little young to be the leader
of a major European nation.

Di Maio is one year
"younger" than Frankie Muniz

and I do not want him
running Italy.

I don't even want him running
his own Twitter account

'cause two days ago,
he tweeted "I have a toothache."

C'mon, Frankie!
Sell your brand! Do better, boy!

When you see Di Maio in action,
he lives up to your worst assumptions

of what a 31-year-old candidate
for prime minister could be.

This country is weighed down,

parties are a weight
with their conflicts of interest.

We have to fly high, bring this
country and make it fly high.

This is why today
we will actually fly!

Cool. Although, to be honest
that's not "really" flying, is it?

He should have said:

"The country is weighed down
with conflicts of interest,"

"so we have to make Italy
hover 20 feet off the ground"

"while spinning in circles
and gripping an attendant's hand."

While there is a lot to like
about some of Five Star's policies,

there is also a lot
to be concerned about.

While they are "against"
a lot of things,

it is much less clear
what they're "for".

They've taking a hard-line
stance regarding immigration

with Di Maio criticizing
rescue efforts in the Mediterranean

as "sea-taxi services"
that must end.

Some party members
have engaged in vaccine skepticism

and Di Maio proposed rolling back
mandatory vaccinations for children.

Dangerous, considering Italy
saw nearly 5000 cases of measles,

including four deaths last year.

That should not be happening
in this day and age.

It's like hearing four people were
trampled to death

in line at a Blockbuster video.

How did that happen?

We're supposed to have
collectively moved past that by now!

There is the League, a far-right
party led by Matteo Salvini,

who, like Renzi, also appeared
on an Italian game show,

not just as a 12-year-old child,
but also later again when he was 20,

answering trivia questions
and racing with boxes on his feet.

I hope you enjoyed those clips,
that is as likable as Salvini gets.

He has grown up into a truly
poisonous politician.

He compared the female speaker
of the house to an inflatable sex doll.

He's taken a hard line on immigration,
saying out of control immigration leads

to drug dealing, rape,
theft and violence,

and he has trafficked
in some alarming rhetoric.

There's a need for
a mass cleaning, even in Italy.

From one street to the next,
from one neighborhood to the next,

town square to town square,
with strong methods, if necessary.

A mass cleaning
with strong methods!

He sounds like a fascist
Mary Poppins.

So basically: Mary Poppins.

The frightening thing is not all
voters are concerned by Salvini.

One told the New York Times:
"I like him, he puts Italians first."

"And I guess he's a fascist, too.
What can you do?"

To which the obvious answer is:
"Don't vote for him!",

that's literally
the "only" thing you should do.

If you think: "I think I know someone
who might hit it off with this guy",

don't worry,
of course they've met.

You thought maybe Trump
would not pop up in this story?

Think again. He is truly
the Forrest Gump of human misery.

This is true.

Salvini met with Trump
during the 2016 campaign

and Trump told Salvini he hoped
he would become prime minister soon.

I hope that does not happen, Salvini's
tone attracted nasty followers.

Look at what happened
this month.

The far-right supporter
in Italy is accused

of opening fire on African migrants
and wounding six of them.

He drove in front of a war monument
and made a fascist salute

wearing what looked
like an Italian flag.

That man reportedly
called Salvini his "captain"

and was one of the League's candidates
for a local election last year.

Which is awful.
Although it should be noted that,

in that election,
he received no votes.

Not only did his family
and friends not vote for him,

he didn't even vote for himself!

Even if you are a racist,
murderous piece of shit,

if you run for anything,
you should at least get "one" vote

or you're just a fucking idiot.

In the midst of economic uncertainty,
fake news and race-baiting,

what Italy needs is someone to step up
and lead them out of trouble.

A bold new voice.
A fresh leader of tomorrow.

Show us, Italy, who shall
be your knight in shining armor?

Forza Italia! Forza liberta!

Many thought he was
politically finished. Done.

But Silvio Berlusconi,
Italy's four-time prime minister,

is making a comeback.

It's true, he's back! Berlusconi...
Sorry, that's HPV.

Berlusconi... That's a condom
filled with marinara sauce.

Berlusconi has returned and recent
polls had his coalition in the lead.

So if Italy is considering
taking Berlusconi back,

it is worth the rest of us
brushing up on him.

He is one of history's most
ludicrous humans.

His ego is legendary.
He once claimed:

"my greatness is without question."

"My human substance, my history,
other people dream to have."

Berlusconi built a quasi cult
of personality around himself,

perhaps best exemplified
by this campaign song from 2008.

There's a big dream
that lives in us all.

We are the people of freedom.

President, we are with you.

Thank God Silvio exists!

That has to literally be
Silvio Berlusconi's fantasy:

a world where he's the only man left
and every woman sings about him.

What people know about Berlusconi
can be summed up in two words:

the word "bunga", twice.

He hosted sex parties which
featured scores of orgies

and "female guests dressed up as
nuns, nurses and even Barack Obama."

Both deeply weird and
somehow deeply progressive.

Berlusconi likes to explore mixed race,
quasihomosexual experience.

Good on you, pig monster!
He owns a stake in TV channels,

some of which have broadcast shows
criticized for their coarse content,

including literally treating
women like pieces of meat.

He also owned a football
team called AC Milan,

but couldn't even talk to their
players without getting weird.

When are you going to
introduce me to your wife?

Just to see her. I'm old.
I can't do it anymore,

but because everyone says
she is the prettiest one.

What a terrific boss!
Hello, there employee!

Where's your spouse
I'd like to fuck?

Don't worry, I'm too old to fuck her
now. Otherwise I would, though.

We're having fun, aren't we,
paid subordinate? We have fun.

The fact that Berlusconi is an
irrepressible horndog is funny,

but those parties featured
a 17-year-old girl

who Berlusconi paid for sex.

When the scandal broke,
his response was less than charming.

I have always worked
with no interruption

and if it sometimes happens to me
to see the face of a beautiful girl,

better to
like girls than to be gay.

That's a terrible thing to say

and it's not connected to the terrible
thing you're being accused of.

He's basically
Bernie Madoff saying:

"Better to be a complete crook
than to be Puerto Rican."

Fuck you, Bernie!
How did you just make this worse?

On the world stage, Berlusconi's
diplomacy left a lot to be desired.

He joked more than once that
Obama was "tanned"

and made a comment about Merkel
that was so controversial,

he was confronted about it
in an awkward interview.

You have a problem
with Angela Merkel?

Is it true you called her
an unfuckable lard-arse?

I would never come...
I have never, in... Excuse me.

I have never, in twenty years of
politics, insulted anybody. Ever.

Please Silvio, your words say
no, but your face, silence,

and history of human interactions
say "si."

Someone who looks like "this" should
never say a thing about anyone else.

He looks like what would happen
if a smoked brisket fucked Andy Garcia.

Berlusconi's closest friend
on the world stage is Vladimir Putin.

Berlusconi once gave Putin this
bedspread with a picture of them on it.

Which isn't just creepy,
it's pointless.

Putin doesn't sleep
in a bed at night.

He just sits in a chair and stares
at a potato until it bakes.

If you think having a bedspread made
of you and your friend is childish,

that's because Berlusconi is nothing
if he is not a gigantic child.

He even had a remote-controlled
volcano built in his house,

featuring everything from fire
to artificial earth tremors.

This thing was realistic, Berlusconi's
neighbors were so alarmed

by the belching flames,
they called the fire brigade.

I would love to show you
a photo of it,

but we can't
find one anywhere.

It's not like there aren't hundreds
of ludicrous photos with Berlusconi.

Here is one of him receiving
a rifle from Gaddafi.

Here is one of him and Putin
wearing matching furry hats.

And here is one of him dressed
like Pitbull at a slumber party.

A photo of a belching
inhome volcano

wouldn't even be in his
top three weirdest photos.

But what is even more amazing
about Berlusconi's comeback is,

Italy was done with him.

He left office after he was
convicted of tax fraud,

and his conviction in 2013
included banning him

from serving in public
office for six years.

I know what you may be thinking:
2013 plus six is 2019.

We did crunch
the numbers on that all week,

and it turns out,
it is a year from now.

Berlusconi is still banned.
He's been going on a charm offensive,

with videos online of him either
snuggling with a baby lamb,

or getting to second base with
an inappropriately young sheep.

He's positioning himself
as a kingmaker in this election

and may well end up having a key
role in picking the next leader.

And that is not good.
His alliance includes Matteo Salvini,

the game-show fascist, who could
well get a high-powered position.

So really,
you have to feel for Italy here,

the outcomes do not look good,
there are a lot of bad options,

from an awful prime minister
to no outright winner,

plunging Italy into political limbo.

There's actually one more wild card:
under Italian law,

the governing coalition
could still pick a non politician

who's had nothing to do
with this campaign so far.

It could be some random jackass
that Italy has never heard of.

If you don't see
where I'm going with this

you've clearly never seen
this fucking show before.

We asked half a dozen
Italian legal experts

and while they told me I couldn't
run for prime minister of Italy,

they admitted there is no explicit
provision in the constitution

that says: "non-citizens
can't run for prime minister."

As far as I'm concerned,

we have ourselves
an "Air Bud" scenario.

The rules of basketball did not
explicitly state that he couldn't play.

Next thing you know,
the dog's dunking.

I am that dog, Italy.
So ally-oop, motherfuckers.

I'd make just as good a leader
as many of your political figures.

A party started by a comedian?
Technically, I'm one of those.

You like politicians
who appear on TV with animals?

Please. It's like Jumanji up in here.
Someone bring me my lambo!

Bring me my lambo.
Hello there, buddy.

Look at that, see!
You adorable little creature!

Do you like this, Italy?
Of course you do!

Yes, exactly. There's plenty
more where this came from.

I've got 40 lambs backstage.
Thank you so much.

Arrivederci. Italy!
You seem to like candidates

who've appeared as contestants
on Italian game shows.

I have not actually done that.

Since you are swimming
in fake news over there,

I see no reason not to lie
and tell you that I have.

Here is me
on an old Italian game show.

I would like to solve the puzzle.

"Fasta Frimavera?"
No! Pasta Primavera!

- You stupid English idiot!
- What an idiot!

Yes, yes, really...Boo!

Boo this idiot with glasses!


Why did I go to the trouble
of faking a game show in which I lost?

I think deep down,
it's just who I am.

I know that Berlusconi has
a remote control volcano

that he won't let you see.

Well, Italia,
I'll let you see mine.



Yes Italy. Tremble before
the awesome power of Mount Olivo!

My candidacy for prime minister may be
a complete and total farce.

But be honest: incredibly,
I am far from your worst option!

That's our show!
See you next week! Good night!