Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 16 - Mexican Elections - full transcript

LAST WEEK TONIGHT
WITH JOHN OLIVER

SEASON V
EPISODE 16

Welcome to Last Week Tonight.

I'm John Oliver.
Thank you for joining us.

A quick recap of the week.
We begin with President Trump,

the abusive father US will be talking
about in therapy for the next 40 years.

This week saw continued outrage
over his zero-tolerance policy

causing families
to be separated at the border.

A policy which Trump insisted
he had no power to change.

His hands were tied. There was nothing
he could do. Guess what ?

President Trump today ordered
an end to the policy



of separating migrant families
who enter the country illegally.

Trump claimed he couldn't do
a thing and then he did it.

He usually claims he can do things
and then doesn't do them,

like draining the swamp,
or locking up Hillary,

or attending
Tiffany's Sweet Sixteen.

It's been eight years, Tiff.
Time to leave the Radisson.

That order has some hitches.
While families will not be separated,

that's because
they'll be detained together.

Children can't be held in detention
facilities for more than 20 days.

Less than three weeks from now,
they could split families up again.

Those 2 000 children who have been
separated from their parents,

what is the plan
to deal with them ?

Trump administration released a plan
for bringing families together.

Major pieces are still missing,
including a clear timeline



on just how long it would take
and how it would get done.

Hold on, those are some pretty
major pieces to leave out.

In fact, it's all the pieces.
"How long it will take"

and "how it will get done"
are the whole plan.

That's like a recipe for cake that
says: "you're going to have some cake."

How was this passed down from
your grandmother ? This is nothing.

The notable thing was the lengths
some Trump supporters went to defend

the indefensible from "their parents
shouldn't have broken the law"

to "conditions aren't that bad".

It took Fox's Stuart Varney to go
with "who gives a shit" ?

If you read the headlines,
or you the watch the evening news

it's trade war,
it's children in cages.

The real big story
that affects everybody in America,

is the success
of the president's tax-cut package

and what it's done for our economy.

Why are we talking about this ? We
should be talking about something else.

That deflection technique
doesn't work

when the thing you're deflecting
from is children in cages.

If a realtor were to say: "why are we
talking about the children in cages ?"

"The kitchen has marble countertops",
the only acceptable response

would be: "because they're
children and they're in cages."

Someone needs to let them out,
you fucking monster.

Let's talk about something that
is not the Trump administration.

Let's talk about Norway,
you know, one of these.

Norway is actually home to over
100 7-Eleven locations,

and this chain got itself into trouble
over an ad aimed at foreign tourists.

This ad is real
and there is a twist in the middle.

Norway

The land of the fjords

The midnight sun

And Chlamydia

Norway has one of the highest
rates of chlamydia in Europe

Visiting from abroad ?
Protect yourself against the locals !

Get your condoms
at 7-Eleven !

Holy shit ! Okay, 7-Eleven,

you can't just call Norway
the "Land of Chlamydia".

That's opening yourself up
to a class action lawsuit

from Las Vegas, Tampa
and the wave pool at every water park.

It wasn't just video ads. 7-Eleven
put posters in train stations

and I'm in a position to say:
that is the second-most shameless

signage-based chlamydia publicity
stunt I've ever seen.

The Norwegians who saw those
posters were understandably confused.

What ? I'm speechless.

Not a very good ad for Norway.

It's unfortunate we have
this kind of thing for a tourist.

Is this the reason
people come to Norway ?

Sleeping around... Isn't it places
like Thailand you go to for that ?

That is a pretty lazy
stereotype of Thailand.

Which is not to say that there are
not sexual aspects of Thai culture.

Did you know that Thai Iced Tea
is just regular iced tea

with four fluid ounces
of jizz poured into it ?

I don't know if it's always true,
but it is always true when I make it.

That is refreshingly viscous.

Norway does have one of the highest
reported chlamydia rates in Europe.

7-Eleven's are not the most explicit
ads promoting sexual health.

The Norwegian Directorate of Health
produced these posters that translate

to "use a condom on your dick"
and "use a condom in your pussy".

Which is bold, but also makes it sound
like Norwegians "had" condoms,

but were just using them wrong,

for keeping their jelly beans fresh
and water-proofing their dogs' paws.

My favorite STD themed Norwegian ad
campaign came from RFSU,

which promoted safe sex
in the greatest possible way.

Okay,
I only have favorite parts of that.

First, obviously: the screaming.
Why does he need to do that ?

Those people have been shot by
a giant, sneaky penis,

haven't they been
through enough ?

Second: that tagline translates to
"penis can surprise you",

which sounds like how an old
Russian hits on you at an airport bar.

"I may not be much to look at,
but penis can surprise you."

I like that when the penis
is about to ejaculate,

it bends in half
so the shaft forms a right angle.

If your penis can do that,
please send video proof

to Sessions-dot-Jefferson
at u-s-d-o-jdot-gov.

All joking aside here,
let's be serious for a minute !

Practicing safe sex
is extremely important.

It's ridiculous that condom usage
is still not universal.

You're putting yourself and
your future partners at risk,

not just for chlamydia, but also
for HIV and even cancer...

Fuck you !
You sneaky penis ! And now this.

Local news
is concerned about teens.

It is a teen trend doctors fear
may be headed to Kansas City.

The teens chugging hand
sanitizer to get drunk.

Here's a new trend among teens.
Putting lip balm on your eyelids.

Teens, drinking bleach
to pass a drug test.

- Kids are snorting Smarties.
- Smoking Smarties.

- It's called "i-dosing".
- Fence plowing.

- The overnight challenge.
- The hot coil challenge.

First time
you're hearing about boozy bears.

Eating cotton balls to lose weight.

Teenagers snorting condoms.

Two years ago we were talking
about a different condom challenge,

where people fill a condom with water
then someone drop it on their head.

Some kids are so desperate they're
doing their own dangerous dental work.

Moving on. For our main story
tonight, let's talk about Mexico.

Number 7 on the list of things
Trump is most frightened of,

ahead of Muslims and behind
the concept of self-reflection.

Mexico is a nation of 123 million,

give or take a few American spring
break douchebags like these two:

Cancun is the hands down best place
you can come for spring break,

especially being a college kid.

Getting tipsy and then drunk
and then yayo on top of everything.

If you get tired here
Cancun is the best for that, so.

Cool.

My favorite part of that clip
is that, in the corner,

it promotes something
called "Brain Surgery Live".

I hope is just a brain surgeon
lobotomizing these two bros.

Mexico isn't just a tourist destination,
we share a 1 900-mile border

and they're our third
largest trading partner.

Something massive
is about to take place there.

It's going to be the biggest
election in Mexican history,

with positions up for grabs
from Mexico City Mayor,

to Congressional seats,
to the top job itself.

Next Sunday will see the biggest
election in Mexico's history.

Which doesn't mean much
to most Americans.

It's like saying "the biggest
mattress sale in Dutch history"

or "the biggest mouse penis
in Portuguese history."

Their mouse is sort of hung, how does
this affect me in any way ?

They could replace their president,
their entire Congress

and state
and local governments.

Many believe a major shift
may be about to take place there,

Mexicans are sick
and tired of the status quo.

Their current president's approval
rating sunk as low as 12 percent.

It's become common for people
to shout a phrase at him:

All I want to say to Pena Nieto is that
he go and fuck his bitch mother !

Enrique Pena Nieto,
go fuck your bitch mother !

Fuck your mother, Pena Nieto !

Pena Nieto,
fuck your mother !

Fuck your bitch mother !

Fuck your mother, Enrique Pena !
Fuck your mother !

"Go fuck your mother" is something
people only shout when they are angry.

Nobody shouts it cause they think you
and your mother have great chemistry.

That's never happened.
So tonight, let's look

at why people are so angry at Mexico's
current president Enrique Pena Nieto

and who they are considering
to replace him.

Most Americans
don't know much about him.

For instance:
that's not Pena Nieto.

That's what came up when we typed
"Mexican man" into a stock image site.

As long as he's here, let's give
this guy a spin: look at him go !

The man is leaving it
all on the field !

Just so you know:
this is the real Pena Nieto.

He is also so handsome he
resembles a stock photo model.

He was swept into office in 2012,
on a wave of hype,

he made the cover of "Time"
with the headline "Saving Mexico",

and U.S. coverage
of his election was breathless.

The 45-year-old former governor is
married to a Mexican soap opera star.

Wherever they went
they drew huge crowds,

especially women, who despite
the fact Pena Nieto was married,

couldn't get enough of him,
calling him bombón,

which means
sweet thing or hottie.

He admitted cheating twice
on his first wife and bearing

two children out of wedlock
before she died of epilepsy,

but didn't seem
to faze the adoring crowd.

Yeah !
All of that is true !

That would be unforgivable,
if he wasn't so violently attractive.

How are you gonna stay mad at that ?
He is visually fucktacular.

Pena Nieto's election
was dramatic.

His party, the Institutional
Revolutionary Party, or PRI,

had enjoyed a 71-year-long era
of one-party rule in Mexico,

which ended in 2000.

So real multi-party democracy
is very much a new thing there.

For many, the hope was that Nieto
would clean up the party's image,

and restore it to glory,
but that did not happen.

He was implicated
in a number of serious scandals,

not only did corruption
not improve,

it hit such a fever pitch that
visitors to Mexico City could do this.

This is the Corruptour,
a 90-minute bus ride

to the seem-ier side of Mexican
business and politics.

On its itinerary:
ten city landmarks

where public money has allegedly
been diverted for private gain.

There were bus tours of Mexico's
most appalling landmarks.

I hope that that tour includes

Guillermo del Toro's two Oscars
for "The Shape of Water".

I was rooting for
the fish-man to die.

The fish-man was gross
and I didn't enjoy watching him fuck

and anyone who did
is weird and wrong.

The scale of government corruption
in Mexico is hard to comprehend.

Many politicians have close ties
to cartels and gangs.

14 current or former governors
are under investigation for corruption,

some of them for colluding
with organized crime.

Like Javier Duarte,
governor of Veracruz.

On his watch,
the state was bankrupted,

with three billion dollars
missing from official coffers.

He's been charged with racketeering
and using illegally obtained funds.

While he denies those charges,
he fled the country in a helicopter,

only to be tracked down
and arrested.

What is that smile ?

That is not the face a grown man
makes after being arrested.

That is the face a nine year old makes
after urinating in a public pool.

This pervasive corruption
contributes to a sense of impunity

and diminished faith
in cops or courts.

Violence has spiked in Mexico,
with the country on track

for 32 000 murders this year,
twice as many as in 2014.

Only 2 percent of crimes
in Mexico get solved.

Which may explain
why these two "yayo" fiends

didn't seem to put much effort
into their disguises.

For many, the incident that
encapsulates all of this frustration,

government corruption, violence
and a serious lack of accountability,

is what happened
on Pena Nieto's watch in 2014.

43 students disappeared
September 26th

after boarding a bus
to the town of Iguala

to raise money
for an upcoming trip.

The mayor there feared the students
would disrupt an event for his wife

and had police stop them.

The officers opened fire
and turned the students over

to a drug gang, which killed them
and burned their bodies.

It was horrific and incredibly,
it got worse than that,

there is evidence the federal police
and military were involved

in the disappearances
but the government did not pursue it.

And when you hear all of that,
you can sort of understand

why so many people want to tell
Pena Nieto: "chinga tu madre".

He is not running for re-election,
Mexico's presidents are limited.

Who are his potential replacements ?
There is José Antonio Meade,

also from the PRI but he has no chance,
so we're not gonna talk about him.

Jaime Rodríguez, an independent and
state governor known as "El Bronco".

He also has no chance. But we are
very much going to talk about him,

because he is a human
wrecking ball.

Watch his idea for stopping
government corruption.

We need to cut off the hand of anyone
who steals in the public service.

You're not speaking literally,
are you ?

- Yes.
- Cut off their hand literally ?

- Literally.
- Explain to me.

Anyone who steals
must have his hand cut off.

A bill must be presented so that
the Congress approve it.

Cut off the hand of the criminals ?

You're gonna propose this
in the Congress ?

That moderator gave him
five separate chances to say

that he wasn't being serious
and he just Bronco'd his way through.

Chopping off somebody's hand is
drastic for political corruption.

Although a perfect way to eliminate
contestants from my new reality show:

"America's Next Top
Sock Puppeteer."

I'm sorry,
flopsy bunny didn't wow us.

Anthony, please, place your hand
on the chopping block.

That is not
El Bronco's boldest position.

'Cause he also has a firm and
unwavering hatred of Santa Claus.

I don't believe in Santa Claus.
Do you believe in Santa Claus ?

How many believe in Santa Claus ?

Look, just three.
Santa Claus is bad.

It's true, "El Bronco" hates Santa.
If you think we are cherrypicking

just one example of virulent
anti-Santa-ism, think again.

When did you tell your kids
there was no Santa Claus ?

Every day.

He tells his children every day
that Santa is not real. That is harsh.

That is so harsh.

Hold on. Who's that ?

Hello, boys and girls !
It's me, Santa ! Sorry to interrupt.

Santa ! I can't believe you're here !
This is fantastic !

Yes. I just wanted to tell Mexican
presidential candidate "El Bronco"

that I do exist !

I bring magic to children
all over the world !

So that "El Bronco"
is on my naughty list !

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I must get back to the North Pole !

Santa, I've always wondered,

what do you do up there all year,
when you're not delivering presents ?

I masturbate, dear boy !
I masturbate all day and night !

I masturbate and masturbate until
my sack full of presents is empty,

if you catch my meaning !

Why would you say that, Santa ?

Every day is Christmas for Santa
when he masturbates !

I even do it sometimes when
I'm flying on my big red sleigh !

I try not to get any on the reindeer,
but even Santa's not perfect !

This is different than what I thought
meeting you would be like, Santa !

Yeah, I get that a lot.
I'm not sure why !

I mean look at me,
I'm very weird !

I love to stroke it
till it looks like a candy cane !

Please leave ! Please leave, Santa !
Please leave !

Just leave Santa, leave !

Never meet your heroes, ever.

The point is, "El Bronco" is not going
to be the next Mexican President.

The candidate polling second,
is Ricardo Anaya,

a 39-year old
center-right wonk.

He is known for delivering 20-minute
policy presentations

that are even more explainer-y
than the ones on this show.

The yellow line shows the behavior
of manufacturing employment

in the United States.

As you can clearly see, it remains
steady, despite NAFTA.

Right. I mean yeah,
on one hand, that was boring.

We now know what it would look
like if Pitbull went to grad school.

This guy is a bit of a nerd. Although
he does desperately try to be cool,

'cause he plays a bunch
of musical instruments.

He plays guitar, he plays ukulele,
he plays keyboard,

and the coolest instrument
of all: the recorder.

That is simply pathetic.
And it is not just me saying that,

in Mexico, that clip has unleashed
a "tsunami of memes",

including videos where people
swap in different songs,

like this version
of Britney Spears' "Toxic".

Muy bien, Mexico.

Anaya did try and toughen his
image up during the campaign.

He struggled to stick the landing,
like when he released this video.

What are you doing ?

'Cause hitting that speed bag
is genuinely impressive,

but you then ruined it with
that weird smile at the end.

It's like someone pulling the
cloth from underneath a table setting

and then pissing their pants.

You were so close,
you fucking ruined it though !

But the man widely expected
to win this election

is Andrés Manuel López Obrador,
a populist who goes by "AMLO".

He served as Mayor of Mexico City,
building a reputation

as a man of the people, commuting
to work in a Nissan Sentra,

the vehicle rated "meh"
by J.D. Power and Associates.

This is AMLO's third time
running for president,

he lost in 2006 and 2012,
not taking that first loss well.

Not only did
he refuse to accept the results,

he held a gigantic alternative
inauguration ceremony in Mexico City

in which he was sworn
in with a fake sash

and declared himself
the legitimate President of Mexico.

His supporters occupied the city's
central square for months.

When Al Gore lost the 2000 Election,
he didn't hold a fake inauguration,

he just told us we were all gonna
die and it was our fault.

It was just called
basic good sportsmanship.

AMLO's campaign has caught fire
this time around,

because he has tapped
into populist anger.

He's promised to help the poor
and eradicate corruption

and he often rails against
the elites and the mafia in power.

Don't think we're the same
as those corrupt politicians.

I've been fighting for the poor
for over 40 years and until I die,

I will keep fighting
for those in need.

That sounds great ! And you can
kind of see the appeal there.

AMLO is kind of like Bernie Sanders,
but with a better haircut

and significantly better Spanish.

Washington... a Goldman Sachs
y a Wall Street...

He could've carried 100 percent
of the Hispanic vote if his slogan

had been: "vote for me and
I will never speak Spanish again."

AMLO's goals may be clear,

but the details of how he plans
to achieve them can be sketchy.

His opponents attacked him
as a "dangerous leftist",

but journalists who've covered him
say it's hard to judge things

based on his policy platforms,
because they are prone to change,

and that he often
makes big promises

while keeping his own advisers
guessing as to what he means.

In that way, he's more reminiscent
of a Mexican Donald Trump,

which is a weird image to conjure up,
like Orthodox Hitler or jacked Gandhi.

The two concepts
don't fit well together.

But the lack of concrete policy

hasn't dampened
the excitement around AMLO,

whose supporters
have made striking ads.

I am here to remind the corrupt
politicians that have ruled our country

that you have turned Mexico
into a poverty factory.

You have killed our children.

The tiger is not afraid, gentlemen,
and we have woken up.

Holy shit ! That is the most
terrifying tiger I've seen

since the episode of "Winnie the Pooh"
where Tigger ate Eeyore.

They're wild, Christopher Robin !
It was bound to happen.

Not a tragedy,
that was inevitable.

That ad becomes less fun
when you learn that it was made

by the Social Encounter Party,
an evangelical Christian party

that opposes same-sex marriage,
homosexuality and abortion.

That party is in AMLO's coalition.
Which kind of speaks to the fact

that by being so vague, he can let
people see what they want to see.

A Christian conservative party
can think that he's on their side.

As can the much more
liberal people behind this ad,

which pitches AMLO
as an aphrodisiac.

Wait !

Everything OK ?

It's just that...
I'm going to vote for Andrés Manuel.

Me too.

- Seriously ?
- Yes.

That is the most sexually
explicit campaign ad

since Roosevelt's famous slogan
of "Teddy will make you cum".

While the hope in AMLO is real,
the content is a question mark.

It says something about how
entrenched problems in Mexico are

and the level
of people's dissatisfaction,

that they seem so willing
to take a gamble on him.

We've talked about the problems
in Mexico, of which there are many.

But people are putting
their lives on the line to solve them.

Journalists tackling corruption,
despite the fact that Mexico

is the third deadliest country
in the world, after Iraq and Syria.

And there are honest politicians
running for office,

even though 120 politicians,
including 44 candidates,

have been killed
during this campaign.

In the town of Piedras Negras,
an anti-cartel Congressional candidate

was murdered
just earlier this month.

But the mayor there
is refusing to hide.

We reached the current Mayor
of Piedras Negras, Sonia Villarreal,

who says her life was threatened
just yesterday.

- You're not fearing them ?
- No.

You won't stop.
Even if it means risking your life.

Doesn't matter.

That is just amazing.
For the record:

I am not that brave at all.

I'll shit-talk the drug cartels
from the safety of New York.

This is the actual head
of the Sinaloa cartel

and I'll say that he looks like
Andy García won a pizza-eating contest,

'cause fuck that guy,
I'm not scared of him.

I wouldn't have
the courage to say that in Mexico.

I wouldn't even have
the courage to say it here,

that's not the head
of the Sinaloa cartel.

That's another stock photo.
Do you think I'm fucking crazy ?

Do you think I'm insane ?
I'm a coward.

Mexico is on the verge of the biggest
election in their history,

with a chance to combat corruption
that betrayed its people for too long.

I hope the candidates they choose,

are worthy of the trust
that's about to be placed in them.

It's gonna take brave, bold work to
give that country the change it needs.

Santa Claus is not coming
to save Mexico.

As we learned tonight,
that man is very busy.

No, please, not again.

No, Santa don't do this Santa,
please.

Don't do what ?

Vividly describe how I bring myself
to climax 364 days out of the year ?

I tinker in my toy shop, John !
I fill my stocking !

I polish the North Pole !

The elves taught me yoga
and now I can blow myself !

No, Santa, no !

And now this.

Kathie Lee and Hoda
are slowly becoming one.

- Timing...
- Is everything !

By the way it's...
National Cookie Day.

Tyra Banks. Tyler Posey.
Rachel Fong. Simon Biles.

Simon Pegg. Gal Gadot. Geno Vento.
Jusando. Joe Manganiello.

Ginger Ed Man.
Jordan and Kyle take the aisle.

Isn't that awesome ?

Barnes & Noble. "Ready Player One".
"Blockers !" "Get Out !"

Guys tell all.
"Girl, Wash Your Face." Her face.

Thong !
Other one on the other hand !

And it fits ! Miracle.
Eighty pounds.

Chillin with my snowmies. One pot
pork with pickled peppers.

Barbra: The Music, The Mem'ries,
The Magic. Hungry. Hangry.

How do we do it day after day ?

That's our show !
See you next week. Good night !

LAST WEEK TONIGHT
WITH JOHN OLIVER

END OF EPISODE 16,
SEASON V