Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - Rudy Giuliani - full transcript

Rudy Giuliani is the newest addition to the Trump's lawyers. He revealed some pretty damaging stuff about the Stormy Daniels story, which contradicts his employer's statement. But it is not...

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Welcome to Last Week Tonight !
I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much for joining us.
Time for a quick recap of the week.

Which has once again been chaotic,
from a volcano erupting in Hawaii,

to Kanye West implying slavery
was a choice,

to Paul Ryan picking a fight with the
House Chaplain for some reason,

to Trump speaking at the NRA
convention about knife crime in London

in extremely vivid terms.

There's blood all over the floors
of this hospital.

They say it's as bad
as a military war zone hospital.

Knives, knives, knives.

What are you doing ?
He may not be presidential material,

but slap a black mock turtleneck on him
and his slam poetry is on point.

"Knives, knives, knives."

"Forks, forks, forks.

Let's move on to West Virginia.

The state whose seal seems
to commemorate

Papa Smurf's death
in the Civil War.

It's a little red Smurf hat on a grave
that says "June 20, 1863."

What else
could that possibly mean ?

One of West Virginia's Senate
seats is up for grabs.

The polls are close,
with 24 percent of voters undecided.

One candidate in particular
has been grabbing headlines.

The newest candidate in this race is
hoping that Republican Primary voters

are redemption minded
because he just got out of prison.

That's right, I present to you,

your newest West Virginia
Senate candidate O.J. Simpson !

I'm kidding !

The juice is not running.

The candidate in question is this guy:
Don Blankenship,

who used to run a coal company
called Massey Energy,

which is surprising, he does look more
like the butler for a family of ghosts.

We've discussed Blankenship before.
One of his company's mines

had an explosion in 2010
that killed 29 workers.

Blankenship denies responsibility,
but he was convicted of conspiring

to violate federal safety standards
in the wake of that disaster,

and served a year in prison.

If you think
that he would want

to steer away from any talk
of what I said in his ads, think again.

Did you know Don Blankenship's trial
was not about the mine explosion ?

You sure ?

The Obama judge wouldn't even
let Don mention the explosion.

The Obama prosecutors knew Don
had nothing to do with the explosion.

West Virginians knew that Obama
was against them and coal.

Now they understand what happened
when Don fought back.

- I'm voting for Don.
- Now that I know the truth, me too.

Cool. Of the insane things
in that ad,

from that man clearly drinking
from an empty coffee mug,

to the term "Obama judge",
perhaps the weirdest

is that all those two people
seem to need to know

in order to vote for Blankenship
is that he didn't blow up a mine.

They may have said, "is Don
Blankenship the golden state killer ?"

"No, they caught that guy !"

"That's all I need to know
I'm voting for Don ! Cheers."

If Blankenship wants to distance
himself from that mine explosion,

it frankly doesn't help
that he talks about it all the time.

He released another ad,
adding on a bizarre swipe

at Senate Majority Leader
Mitch McConnell.

And I will warn you: this man
is dangerously charismatic.

Politicians are running
a lot of crazy ads.

They blew up the coal mine
and then put me in prison.

Now they're running ads to say the coal
mine blew up and I went to prison.

There's no surprise there.
But if you want jobs,

if you want to end the drug epidemic
and you want to protect the unborn,

vote for me.

One of my goals as U.S. Senator
will be to ditch "Cocaine Mitch."

Voting for me,
you're voting for the sake of the kids.

Yeah, he called Mitch McConnell
"Cocaine Mitch,"

which is a far more badass name
than this man deserves.

It'd be like if we started calling her
"Julie 'Skullfucker' Andrews."

I don't think the name works.

As for where "Cocaine Mitch"
comes from,

it is both complicated and dumb.

McConnell's father-in-law, James Chao,
owns a shipping company,

and cocaine may have been found
on one of his company's ships.

But Blankenship
is clearly concerned about Chao.

Because he made headlines recently,

"I have an issue when the father-in-law
is a wealthy Chinaperson."

Which on one hand is pretty racist.

But on the other hand, it's also
impressively gender-neutral.

So maybe that should be
his campaign platform.

Don Blankenship:
Bringing racism into the 21st century.

But far from backing down
from that term,

Blankenship defended it,
in his signature style.

I don't see this insinuation
by the press

that there's something racist
about saying a Chinaperson.

Some are Korean persons
and some of them are African persons.

It's not any slander there.

Except no one has ever used
any of those phrases, ever.

And "African persons" sounds
like an album that Paul Simon made

that the record label absolutely,
positively refused to release.

I know that it's tempting to write
Blankenship off as a, a wacky outlier,

but the truth is, when a party moves as
far to the right as Republicans have,

the fringe guys are no longer fringe.

They pop up all the time,
and sometimes they win.

And Blankenship is not only surging
in the polls right now,

but he put out an ad doubling down
on everything you've seen so far.

Swamp captain Mitch McConnell

has created millions of jobs
for China people.

While doing so,
Mitch has gotten rich.

His China family has given him
tens of millions of dollars.

Mitch's swamp people are now
running false negative ads against me,

they are childishly calling me
despicable and mentally ill.

The war to drain the swamp

and create jobs for West Virginia people
has begun.

I will beat Joe Manchin and ditch
Cocaine Mitch for the sake of the kids.

For the love of god: someone
please tell Don Blankenship

that he's allowed to make
facial expressions when he talks,

that there's no such thing
as a "China family,"

and that stealing two kids
from a waterpark

is not at all what people
mean by draining the swamp.

And now this !

Inevitable consequences of combining
local news and the fifth of May.

- Buenos dias.
- Ay dios mio.

Welcome to North Dakota Today,
I'm Kristi Larson.

Bienvenidos. Feliz Cinco de Mayo.

Star mixing the margaritas !

- Hello ! Or should we say, Hola !
- Hola !

- Happy Cinco de Mayo, everyone !
- Maracas.

Cinco de Mayo celebration !

Cinco de Mayo. That's simply Spanish
for the fifth of May.

I'm gonna put on my sombrero. Olé !

- Olé !
- Cinco de Mayo !

Looks great !
Are we gonna have some ?

- Olé for mole.
- All right.

It's commemorating Mexico's victory
over the French battle of the Puebla.

- Is it a big celebration in Mexico ?
- No.

No. No.

For our main story tonight,

we thought we'd check
in on the latest developments

in the ongoing Trump scandals
"Stupid Watergate."

A story
with all the gravity of Watergate,

if during it, there was a gas leak
in the White House,

and Nixon had been really
into huffing glue.

"Stupid Watergate" had another
plot twist thanks to Rudy Giuliani,

who only joined Trump's
legal team two weeks ago,

but on Wednesday made big news
during an appearance on Fox.

Trump is on record denying knowing
about a $130,000 payment

to Stormy Daniels to keep quiet
about their alleged affair.

But despite that, Giuliani,
Trump's lawyer now remember,

offered a whole new story
about where the money came from

that even startled Sean Hannity.

I'm giving you
a fact now that you don't know.

It's not campaign money.
No campaign finance violation. So...

- They funneled it through a law firm.
- Then the president repaid it.

- I didn't know he did ?
- Yeah.

- There's no campaign finance law ?
- Zero.

He contradicted what his client said,

and he topped it off
with the drunk-sounding "zero"

of a man saying "my girlfriend left me,
but guess how many fucks he gives ?

Zeeeeerrrrrrrrrrroooooooooo !

In saying that,
Giuliani may have just exposed Trump

to multiple new legal
and political problems.

But he wasn't done.
During his media blitz,

he undercut the White House's official
line on why James Comey was fired,

prematurely announced the release of
American hostages from North Korea

something that, as of this taping,
has still not happened,

and made this creepy comment

about what would happen if
prosecutors targeted Trump's daughter.

I would get on, get on my charger
and go right their offices with a lance

if they go after Ivanka.

What about his son-in-law,
they talked about him.

I guess Jared is a fine man,
you know that.

Men are, you know, disposable. But
a fine woman like Ivanka ? Come on.

Setting aside the sleaziness
of calling Ivanka a "fine woman,"

let's not forget that he also called
a living human being "disposable."

Which is pretty harsh.
But also... it is Jared, ya know ?

It's Jared. He is basically a six-foot
three-inch stack of packing peanuts.

It's Jared, he's useless.

Giuliani's interview
was so ill-advised and chaotic,

it left many people on TV wondering
what exactly had become of him.

It's a long way from America's
mayor after nine-eleven.

This is not
the Rudy Giuliani we know.

This is shocking coming
from somebody

who was the post nine-eleven
mayor of New York City.

After nine-eleven Giuliani had a ton
of credibility with the American people

over this past week, it seems
like that's kind of all worn off.

People seem to be as shocked
at finding out who Giuliani really is

as a child at Disneyworld who saw
Mickey Mouse pull off his head

to reveal that he was actually
Tilda Swinton.

Not only are you not what I thought
you were a moment ago,

you are fucking terrifying.

If any part of you is also wondering
what happened to Rudy Giuliani,

tonight, we're gonna
try and answer that for you.

Because the short answer is: nothing.
He's always been this way.

That might be a little jarring.

The thing he's most famous for is being
mayor of New York City on 9/11,

after which he was rightly celebrated
for being a calm, steady presence.

He was Time's person of the year.

He received an honorary
knighthood from Great Britain,

and its closest
American equivalent:

being played in a made-for-TV movie
by Mr. James Woods.

Democrats always talked
about things getting better.

Republicans did whatever
they could to make them better.

That's what we're here for, right ?


Right ?

Who wouldn't want to watch Woods
and the lady from "Kindergarten Cop"

trade Republican-themed pillow talk
on a green-screened beach

before exchanging the most sexless
kiss in the history of film ?

How did that not win
all of the awards ?

To understand Giuliani, you have
to go back before 9/11.

He made a name for himself
as a federal prosecutor,

where he acquired a deep
taste for the limelight,

going undercover to buy crack

dressed in a Hells Angels vest
and a white dress shirt.

Which made him look
less like a street junkie,

more like the third best member
of an all-dad blues band

called "Dad To The Bone".

He decided to run for mayor,
which was somewhat risky,

due to some substantial baggage.

A document
produced by his own campaign

flagged a "weirdness factor"
around him,

because his first marriage
was to his second cousin.

America's mayor was a cuz-nuzzler.

Don't worry,
because he has an excuse for that.

Giuliani says they discovered that
after many years of marriage.

Bull shit !

He didn't think it was weird
at the wedding ceremony

when one side of the church
was both families and the other

was one nervous photographer
who didn't take a single picture ?

Giuliani was elected and as mayor,
he continued his love of the camera,

showing up from
the Whoopi Goldberg movie "Eddie",

to "Law & Order",
to Bill Cosby's CBS sitcom,

which has not dated badly
in any shape or form !

But what many New Yorkers
remember about the Giuliani years

was his abrasive
personal style.

He had a local radio show, where
he would take calls from constituents.

You just listen to their concerns and
politely disagree whenever necessary.

Listen to this exchange
with a ferret owner annoyed

by the city's ban on
owning them as pets.

- Something's deranged about you.
- No, sir.

The excessive concern you have

is something you should
examine with a therapist.

This conversation is over, David.
Thank you.

This excessive concern
with little weasels is a sickness.

That's right,
that is the Mayor of New York,

actively choosing
to insult a New Yorker

whose only crime
was being a fan of ferrets.

When that ferret fan was given
the chance to present his side,

he was reasonable.

- David, thanks for coming on.
- Thank you for that, Tucker.

You have in your hands one ferret
is named Master Linus Van Pelt.

And the other,
Princess Katie Mini Mitts.

Fuck it, I hate to say it,
but I think I'm on Giuliani's side.

I'm on team Giuliani. Ferret
advocates are a lot like a ferrets.

I thought I'd like them, then I saw one
and now I'm not so sure.

It went well beyond picking
fights with ferret enthusiasts.

Giuliani adopted
a tough-on-crime stance

with an aggressive crackdown on
so-called "quality of life crimes,"

like panhandling
and jaywalking.

This approach antagonized a lot
of people, especially people of color.

Many remember it as a time
when the police were licensed

to do whatever they wanted:
a criticism shared by former cops.

We would get a lot of flack,

you're just doing this because
Giuliani is letting you do this,

and in my heart
I knew it was true.

If police officers
were just every single person:

"I want to stop you, to question you,
to frisk you",

then civil rights are gone.

Chilling. It's not like it's easy
to navigate New York streets anyway.

At worst, you're trying to get
around 14 Belgian tourists

who don't know
how to fucking walk in a city

and at best you might
be ambushed by Billy Eichner.

If you are not up
on your Meryl Streep trivia,

you deserve everything
he's about to give you.

By the end of Giuliani's second term,
many were sick of his bullshit.

He even had to move out
of the mayor's residence,

amid accusations
of an extramarital affair,

which he handled
in the worst possible way.

Giuliani told the media
in a news conference

that he intended to separate
from the first lady.

We've grown to live independent
and separate lives.

He'd given
no heads-up to his wife.

That is the most humiliating way
possible to end a marriage

other than announcing publicly:
"I boned my cousin !"

Then, of course, 9/11 happened
and all was forgotten,

because as "America's Mayor",
his reputation was solid gold.

Upon leaving office,
he cashed in. He wrote a book,

he gave speeches making as much
as $200 000 a pop

and he launched a consulting firm
called Giuliani Partners,

a name that sounds a lot like
a euphemism for cousins who fuck.

They're Giuliani partners.

It was love at first sight at their
greatgrandmother's funeral.

Nana always was a match-maker !

He became a partner in a law firm
and over the years,

his firm's represented clients
such as a tobacco company,

a private prison company,
Bank of America, Newscorp,

and Purdue Pharma,

the company that got in trouble
for supercharging the opioid crisis.

The companies whose logos
you'd expect to see on a NASCAR

driven by a homicidal grizzly bear.

In 2007, Giuliani launched what was
supposed to be his destiny:

a campaign for president,
which was catastrophically bad.

He talked nonstop about 9/11,

with some supporters even holding
a $9.11-per-person fundraiser.

All of which triggered this memorable
line from then-candidate Joe Biden.

Rudy Giuliani, there's only three
things he mentions in a sentence:

a noun and a verb and nine-eleven,
there's nothing else.

He's right. Giuliani could not stop
leveraging 9/11 for his own ends,

as evidenced by his children's book:
"One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, 9/11".

In the end, his campaign
flamed out spectacularly,

he did not win a single state

and he went from the frontrunner
for the presidency

to being out of the race by January,
having spent around $50 million,

all to end up with zero delegates,
or, as he would put it...


Exactly, Rudy. Zero.

After that humiliating
presidential flop,

Giuliani ended up fading from view,
washing up in d-list places like this:

We love the mob movies you love.

Forget about it.

AMC Mob Week,
hosted by Rudy Giuliani.

Holy shit.
That is a steep fall.

Just ten years after being named
"Time" person of the year,

Giuliani was doing VJ work

for a cable network's edited for-TV
presentation of "Scarface".

Think about how crazy that is.
That would be like if, in ten years,

Bravo announced Fuck Boys Of '90s
marathon hosted by Malala Yousafzai.

How the fuck did that happen ?
What did I miss ?

A significant amount of goodwill
has somehow been squandered.

Giuliani frittered away years as
a rent-a-quote pundit on cable news,

and he didn't truly join Trump's
orbit until January 2017,

when he was named
Trump's cybersecurity advisor.

Why did Trump give him that job ?
Who knows ?

Maybe because Giuliani had
a security consulting business,

"Giuliani Security And Safety",

despite having
no real background in cybersecurity.

If you watch Giuliani
for even ten seconds,

you get the sense he tries to check
his e-mail by opening a Word doc

and typing: "Hi Google, check e-mail.
Thanks, Rudy."

Trump's real affection for Giuliani
probably came from his willingness

to lend his shreds of credibility to
various amounts of nonsense.

If I did one tenth of what
Hillary Clinton did, I'd be in jail.

She paid people
to create violence at his rallies.

She sold 20 percent
of our uranium to Russia.

I have 8 times online since January,
in which she's had coughing fits.

So go online and put down
"Hillary Clinton illness",

take a look at the videos.

Obviously, that is horseshit.
I do agree with him on one point:

visit "Hillary-Clinton-illness-dot-com"
and take a look at the videos,

they are eye opening.

We bought the URL for

and made it redirect to something
that Rudy Giuliani would hate:

this animation
of two ferrets fucking.

Also it is worth noting...
Stop it.

Giuliani Security, despite
Giuliani's cybersecurity expertise,

didn't seem to think to buy the URL

so we now own that,
and it links to the only thing

that he would hate more
than two ferrets fucking:

two ferrets who are cousins,
not fucking.

The sexual tension is unbearable !
You know each other so well !

When you look at all of this,

Giuliani's role as Trump's lawyer
isn't an aberration.

Everything in his life has led
to this point.

While he may well be providing
terrible legal representation,

he's actually the most honest
representation of him in general.

They're basically two versions
of the same person.

They're both New Yorkers
coasting on their reputations,

had three marriages, neither
can shut up in front of a camera

and perhaps most importantly,
they both want to fuck Ivanka.

Weird for Trump because
Ivanka is in his family

and it's weird for Giuliani
because she isn't.

What happened to Giuliani is
really not the right question.

What's going to happen to him
is more to the point,

he is now the public
face of Trump's legal team

and who knows
what is gonna come of that ?

Maybe he brings Trump down
through incompetence.

Maybe he gets fired
in the next two weeks.

At the rate we're going, he is
so fatally flawed as a human being

that he's probably
going to end up president.

Although to do that,
he'll need a campaign website,

which he might find difficult.

is no longer available,

because we bought it,

and it links to a dancing ferret
giving you the finger.

And now this.

Last Week Tonight salutes the horses
who didn't win the Kentucky Derby.

Shia Lehoof.
Dennis Miller's Wednesday.

Knock it off, Pamela.
FW: FW: FW: Cute Video You'll Like.

Are You There God ?
It's Me, A Horse.

Mark Cuban's Upcoming
"Me Too" Moment.

I Fuckin' Love Apples !
OT Level VIII.

Prince Harry's Unwatched
Queue Of "Suits" Episodes.

A Drawing Of The Prophet Muhamm...
Just Kidding It's A Horse.

Help I'm Trapped In This Horse Suit
And Someone Keeps Whipping Me.

And, Cocaine Mitch.
You may not have won,

but you're all still horses
and that's something !

And finally tonight. Just a quick
update concerning Alaska:

the state so far north it's almost
at the edge of our planet.

Hashtag flat earth,
hashtag truth.

A few weeks ago, we talked about
a few remaining Blockbuster stores,

most of which are in Alaska
and they're in trouble.

We bought items from Russell Crowe's
recent divorce auction,

we issued the manager of Blockbuster
in Anchorage an ultimatum:

to call us within 48 hours so we
could send all of that stuff to him.

I have some good news
for you... He called.

HBO host John Oliver
has delivered on his promise,

as some prized movie memorabilia
is on display in last Blockbuster.

Just in time for tourist season.
Russell Crowe's jockstrap

has arrived
at the Blockbuster on Debarr.

A mini-shrine to Russell Crowe
has been erected in East Anchorage.

Everybody asks me, did they wash it ?
I don't know. I hope they did.

I've got some bad news for you,
we didn't wash it at all.

You probably should,
it's a documented fact

that Russell Crowe's 2005 scrotum
musk will attract bears.

That's a nature fact. If that had been
the end of this whole story,

I'd have been happy just knowing
we tried to help that store

by doing something
breathtakingly stupid.

This story gets better.

Because after our segment,
Russell Crowe himself tweeted:

"I am planning now on how
to best use the John Oliver money"

"given he's often shown genuine
love for Australians and Australia,"

"it's got to be special."

Mainly because, as far as I'm aware,

I've never shown genuine love
for Australians or Australia.

I've shown morbid curiosity for it,

the way a 9-year-old pokes
a dead frog with a stick.

I'm fascinated and grossed out
at the exact same time.

Russell Crowe revealed his plans
by tweeting out a well-produced video

and it is something special,
this is real.

We're the Irwins and we're here
at the Australia Zoo Wildlife Hospital

where we treat so many animals.

Koalas right now are suffering
a disease called chlamydia.

It can cause blindness, infertility
and even cost a koala its life.

We're trialing a new vaccine
and there is hope for the future.

Thank you to Russell Crowe for your
donation to help these koalas.

I have so many questions.
The first one really has to be:

how did all of those koalas
get chlamydia ?

I should ask what happened after this
photoshoot with Harry Styles

on One Direction's 2012 tour ?

You might be thinking:
"Well, hold on, John, hold on."

How do you know that the money
you spent went to those koalas ?

The video had
a little twist at the end.

A big thank you to John Oliver
for buying Russell's incredible things.

You are helping for the fight
for chlamydia

and a plaque has been organized
in your honor, check it out.

Are you not entertained ?

Well played, Russell Crowe.
Well played indeed.

That may honestly be
the greatest thing I've ever seen.

When this show started, I wrote
down my one and only goal for it,

and I put it in this envelope.

It was a simple goal,
it was just three words long.

That goal ?
A "koala chlamydia ward".

We have accomplished everything
we set out to do on this show,

thanks very much everyone,
but we are fucking done here.

That's right. Let's shut it down.
This show is over and please,

don't think of this
as a sad occasion,

because I leave you
in total triumph at this point.

I do hope that you enjoyed Last
Week Tonight over the years.

We made it
rather difficult to do that.

We did learn some things
along the way !

We had exactly 4 laughs
together so that's something.

The point is, pack it up, guys,
we're going home !

We did it, Jeff !
We got the koala ward !

I know you might be asking:
"wasn't making four and a half seasons"

"an inefficient way of getting a koala
chlamydia ward named after you ?"

And to that I answer: It worked.
So, I guess...fuck you ? I guess.

If you'll excuse me, I've got
a date with some contagious koalas.

That is our series !
Thanks so much for watching !

Goodbye forever, everyone !

I regret nothing !
My work here is done !