Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 19 - Alex Jones - full transcript

Donald Trump's plan to hire more Border Patrol agents could lead to more corruption and misconduct. If only their recruitment ads were designed to attract the most suitable applicants.

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Season IV
Episode 19

Welcome to Last Week Tonight.

I'm John Oliver.
Thank you for joining us.

We have been away for most of July.
So we have missed a lot,

from Kid Rock possibly
running for the Senate,

to O.J. Simpson getting parole finally,
to Jared Kushner speaking out loud

following his testimony
before a Senate Committee.

My name is Jared Kushner. I am Senior
Adviser to President Donald J. Trump.

When my father-in-law
decided to run for president,

I served his campaign
the best I could.

I told you that's what
his voice sounded like !

You wouldn't believe me !
Now that happened on Monday.

If it feels like
that happened a month ago,

that's all thanks to Trump, who seems
to be bending the space-time continuum

in order to fill a week with more news
than it can scientifically contain.

This week may be notable not just for
the terrible things Trump tried to do,

but for how terribly
he tried to do them.

Take what happened
on Wednesday.

A policy pronouncement from
the President of the US.

He just took a major stance,

saying he will ban transgender people
from serving in the US military.

That is as hateful
as it is pointless.

It means that we may be entering

the Madlibs portion
of Trump's presidency,

where he persecutes
groups at random.

banned from the military.

Pacific Islanders can no longer
use the postal service.

Jews can no longer highfive.
Sorry, Jews.

Trump not only announced
this policy over Twitter,

but across three tweets,
the first of which read:

"After consultation with
my generals and military experts,"

"the US government
will not accept or allow..."

Then there was a nine-minute gap,
presumably while he finished

his breakfast of Big Macs
and mashed Doritos.

Even his own generals were concerned
about what might be coming next.

at the Pentagon were nervous

for nine minutes till
the second tweet came out,

they thought he might be
declaring war on North Korea.

A pretty scary thought.

A "pretty" scary thought ?

Trump declaring war on
North Korea with a tweet

is the scariest ten consecutive
words in the English language

and I am including:

"a clown waits for you in your
house, softly whistling"

and "sharks can fly now
and they know where you live."

As the military soon
informed the president,

it doesn't take its marching
orders from Twitter.

General Joseph Dunford said:

"there will be no modifications
to the current policy"

"until the order goes
through proper channels."

The military needs instructions
through the proper chain of command.

You cannot change policy
over the same channels

that Justin Bieber once used
to tweet

"random shoutout
to all my sexy ladies."

There was also a development
regarding the repeal of Obamacare,

which was a signature goal
for Trump's presidency,

along with passing comprehensive
pro-daughter-dating legislation

and getting to second base
with a truck.

This week, the repeal ran aground
in spectacular fashion.

The GOP drive to repeal Obamacare
fell apart at 1:29 AM Eastern time.

When John McCain flashed
a thumbs-down,

drawing gasps
and some applause from Democrats.

I haven't seen a group of senators
break into spontaneous applause

since every time
Ted Cruz leaves a room.

He's going !
Fuck that guy.

McCain's vote was
a dramatic moment

although CNN could not help
trying to amp up the drama even more.

1:29 AM, Senator McCain
re-enters the chamber.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell
stands at the front of the room

like he had most of the night.

McCain waves his hand to get
the attention of the Senate clerk,

pauses and gives
a dramatic thumbs-down.

Senator Elizabeth Warren
leans in to get a better look

and breaks into applause.

Senator Dianne Feinstein,
a single, assertive clap.

Senator Roy Blunt shakes
his fist at the heavens,

wondering how an omniscient
god could be so cruel,

Claire McCaskill does something
that looks like the Macarena

and the ghost
of Strom Thurmond

carves a racial epithet
into a wooden desk.

This drama took a back seat to the one
unfolding within the White House,

where Sean Spicer and Reince Priebus
have resigned,

following the appointment
of Anthony Scaramucci,

a former hedge-funder and
"Long Islander of the frickin' month"

for 643 months in a row.

Scaramucci's nickname
is "The Mooch",

which already sounds
like the name of a cow STD.

So neither one of us has been
with anyone else.

And yet somehow
I have The Mooch.

Is there anything
you need to tell me ?

"Tony Mooch" wasted no time
cracking down on leakers,

going on CNN to explain his philosophy
with an unexpected reference.

Why don't you honor the job ?
You remember Joe Paterno ?

What would he say ?
Act like you've been there before.

Act with honor and dignity.

It is a little loaded
quoting Joe Paterno

in the context of "everyone needs
to keep their mouths shut".

That "act like you've been there"
quote has been attributed

to multiple coaches,
including Vince Lombardi.

The Mooch still picks the guy

with a "child sex abuse scandal and
dismissal" section on Wikipedia.

If you were pregnant
and someone asked you

if you knew the sex of the baby,
your response would not be

"like Casey Anthony
once said: it's a girl !"

That Paterno line would have been
the craziest thing Scaramucci had said

until this.

Anthony Scaramucci unloaded on
Chief of Staff Reince Priebus,

calling him an expletive paranoid
schizophrenic, a paranoiac.

The most disgusting thing
he said:

"I'm not Bannon, I'm not
gonna blank my own blank.

"Suck my own cock."
That's what Scaramucci said:

"I'm not Steve Bannon, I'm not
trying to suck my own cock."

That's what he said.
To a reporter, on the record.

No point in anyone being coy
about this anymore.

Scaramucci's remarks put news
networks in a tricky position.

Leave it to Gayle King on CBS
"This Morning" to cut to the chase.

How is that even physically
possible, number one ?

When you hear something like that,
are you offended

or disappointed,
are you saddened by it ?

She's talking to Bob Schieffer.

Nothing in his half-century of
Murrow-Award-winning journalism

could have prepared
him for the question:

"Does the idea of Steve Bannon
sucking his own cock"

"make you angry or sad ?"

That is where we are, six months
into the Trump administration:

with a president who has no major
legislative accomplishments,

no conception of even the very
basics of how his job works

and a Communications Director
who answers the question:

what if a tanning bed
was a person ?

There is no public indication
from Trump

that he thinks he's doing
anything wrong.

This was his takeaway from
the failed Obamacare repeal.

They should have approved
health care last night,

but you can't have everything.

I said from the beginning,
let Obamacare implode,

and then do it,
I turned out to be right.

"I turned out to be right."
You got to hand it to him:

no one is better than Trump
at claiming victories from defeats.

I could see him,
at the end of his term, saying:

"I said I didn't have the ability,
experience, or intelligence"

"to be a successful president,
I turned out to be right."

And now, this.

More newscasters trying not to say
the words "suck my own cock".

I'm not Steve Bannon. I'm not trying
to expletive my own expletive.

I'm not trying
to suck my own bleep.

I'm not trying
to suck my own blank.

I'm not trying...
this is really graphic.

I'm not gonna keep just
saying blanking.

Bannon should perform
physically impossible acts on himself.

There was also suggestions
of physical acts

that require flexibility
that none of us has.

What he said about Bannon
which is, if true,

would make Bannon a gymnast.

Talking about self-fellatio.
Not like nothing I've ever seen.

Yeah, Bob. Bob ?

You're smiling at the way
she expressed it ?

For our main story tonight,
we're gonna talk about the media.

One increasingly
influential member of it:

Alex Jones, the Walter Cronkite
of shrieking batshit gorilla clowns.

You may be thinking:

"There is nothing more
I need to know about Alex Jones."

You've probably seen
crazy clips like this.

What do you think tap water is ?
It's a gay bomb.

Not saying people didn't naturally
have homosexual feelings.

You think I'm shocked by it,
because I don't like gay people ?

I don't like 'em putting chemicals
in the water that turn the frogs gay !

Do you understand that ?
I'm sick of this crap !

If he is that upset about a government
conspiracy that is not happening,

imagine how upset he's going to be
when he finds out about one that is.

Like the fact that the government
is turning raccoons bilingual.

They're all fluent in French and will
be working that into conversation.

That famous clip is
by no means an outlier.

Jones is a charismatic performer
who gets charged up.

There are plenty
of lesser-known outbursts, like this.

My spirit gets close to that evil
and my whole spirit just goes...

They call that crazy, that's not crazy.
That's my will.

My human spirit saying, crush those
that would hurt the innocent !

Go after the enemy !
Build a civilization ! Be honorable !

Crush the snakes under your feet.

Now we know what "Friday Night
Lights" would've looked like

if they'd given Coach Taylor
a nasty PCP habit.

Go after the enemy ! Crush
the snakes under your feet.

Clear eyes full hearts,
God there's snakes everywhere !

Stomp those snakes,
motherfuckers !

Ideally the first thing
you should know

about "The Alex Jones Show"
is nothing.

It is an important part of a lot
of people's media diets.

Six million people listen to his radio
show or watch it online every week,

and we know at least one Jones fan
seems to be

our current Russian Ambassador
to the United States, Donald Trump.

He supposedly called
Jones after the election,

tweeted content from Infowars
and one of its editors,

and a year and a half ago,
even appeared on his show.

I wanna finish by saying
your reputation's amazing.

I will not let you down.
You will be very impressed, I hope.

I think we'll be speaking a lot.

The only thing that could've made
that moment any grosser

is if Nigel Farage, Bill Cosby
and Phil Spector were on the same call.

No wonder Jones has been getting
a lot of coverage recently,

we mentioned him on our first
show of the season, in February.

And in his response to it, he seemed
a little annoyed with me.

Your ratings are in the toilet,
you're a joke.

They brought you back, revamped,
out of the gates to attack yours truly,

after you lectured us that Trump
could never win over and over,

you're the intellectual, everybody
knows British accent's intellectual.

Now you make fun of me out of context
and now go: "Look at this loon."

Hey, boy ! People want legitimacy,
they want real,

they want to hear somebody
that can touch 'em inside.

A few things there:
one, don't call me a "boy".

Two: my British accent
does not sound intellectual.

I sound like a chimney sweep
passing through a wood chipper.

Jones is right that people don't
present him in his full context.

So tonight,
we are going to do that.

Let's first set aside the key context
that Alex Jones has used his show

to fuel speculation that the Sandy Hook
massacre was staged by government,

which was hurtful for the parents
over the years.

That is disgusting
and it should be disqualifying

in terms
of ever taking him seriously.

Doing things that disqualify you
from being taken seriously

doesn't really seem to be
much of a thing anymore.

But there is a piece of context
you may be less aware of

and that concerns the nature
of Jones' show itself.

It is four hours long,
and if you tune in to the whole thing,

your most shocking discovery
might be how frequently and shamelessly

he pitches products
that he sells.

Remember that clip from him earlier,
yelling about snakes ?

Let's go back to that
and play it out a bit.

Be honorable !
Crush the snakes under your feet.

Get behind me, Satan !

Before I go any further,
we gotta fund this operation.

We got the very best nutraceuticals,

I don't know if I can run
this for another week or so...

I don't want to sell out
before more gets in.

That is a hard turn. Satan-worshipping,
deep state globalists

are going to murder you
and your entire family !

Open your eyes, sheeple !
They're coming for all of us !

But first...

McGillicuddy's Oatmeal:
the perfect way to start your day !

That clip is not an anomaly.

In one week of recent broadcasts
on his site,

he spent nearly a quarter
of the time either talking about

or playing ads for his products,
or pointing you to the Infowars store.

If you have never gone
shopping on Infowars

you are in for whatever
the opposite of a treat is.

There's the kind of survival gear
that you would expect,

alongside more surprising items,
like organic shampoo,

body wash and deodorant,
as well as products

like "combat one tactical
bath wipes,"

a $10 pack of moist towelettes
that can be "used anywhere needed,"

"including the perineal area."

Which, if you're wondering,
is this region right here.

Alex Jones is trying to sell you
sloppy wet rags for your taint.

When you are done wiping down
the area between your genitals and anus

why not pick up a Bill Clinton
rape whistle,

which, according to Infowars,
should be used to

"let Bill know you're in the crowd
and that you know the truth."

That truth, by the way ?

You just spent
$6 on a whistle.

We bought this.
And by the way: our order came

with a free "9/11 was an inside job"
bumper sticker

that we most assuredly
did not ask for.

Radio hosts doing ads
is not inherently unusual.

Since 2013, Jones has focused on
promoting his own products,

which he sells on his site,
under his Infowars life brand,

particularly vitamins
and nutraceuticals,

which I believe are the result
of the word "nutrition"

fucking the word
"pharmaceutical" from behind.

I'm pretty sure
that's what it is.

This is a big part of Jones' business.

Two-thirds of his funding reportedly
comes from selling his products.

And there are a lot of them.
And the reason I know that is...

We bought a whole bunch.
Let me break it down for you.

There is "Super Male Vitality".
"Super Female Vitality".

"Wake Up America Patriot Blend
Coffee". "Lung Cleanse".

"Brain Force Plus". Something called
"DNA Force" that costs $120 a bottle.

"Child Ease", a herbal blend
which, according to Infowars,

is "designed to soothe the mind
and bodies of children"

which is a creepy phrase.

And then there is "Caveman True
Paleo Formula with Bone Broth,"

a chocolate-flavored drink-mix
made from bee pollen, Stevia

and the dust of chicken skeletons.

According to Infowars,

it is "one of the most popular
new health trend in the world."

And by the look on Jones' face,
it tastes as good as it sounds.

You pour that in
on a couple ice cubes,

and folks, it tastes,
when it's creamy and thick,

I think better than Ovaltine

and it is got all the bone broth
and so much more.

This is why the ancients
had so much better bones.

You could freeze this and this
would be better than ice cream.

I know for a fact that Alex Jones
did not enjoy drinking Caveman.

I have got a glass of Caveman here.
I can confirm to you that it tastes...

It tastes exactly how you imagine
a drink would taste

that's made from chocolate
and domesticated bird corpses.

It comes at you in waves.

And that is not the only time
Jones used himself as a guinea pig

to sell his own products.

A warning: the following footage
of a man graphically too comfortable

with his own body
may be disturbing.

Ten minutes before we taped this,
we took photos a year ago,

and then again about six months ago
and the weight loss is dramatic.

Okay, so you're redder.
And you're wearing a belt.

The only thing I can discern
happened between those two photos

is that you walked shirtless in
the sun for two hours to a belt store.

You could flip those two photos around
and the effect would be the same.

He does have a medical expert
who consults on his supplements:

Dr. Edward Group III,
who looks like the lead

in a direct-to-DVD
Kato Kaelin biopic,

but he's even less
impressive than that.

Here he is explaining the importance
of one of the products.

If you're suffering from
abdominal pain, allergies,

even like headaches, anemia,
weakened immune system,

gut problems, depression,
hair loss, excess gas,

muscle pain, nervousness.

If you look at some of these conditions
and then us opening up our borders

and all the other countries
opening up their borders,

you're dealing with a mass amount
of parasites or harmful organisms.

You can type in
"refugees spreading disease".

The CDC is going crazy.

I am pretty sure that if you type
"refugees spreading disease"

it takes you right to the Wikipedia
page for "xenophobia".

Which at the end of the day
is a real time saver for you !

Despite Dr. Group
looks like what would happen

if Tom Petty was machine-washed
instead of dry-cleaned,

Alex Jones swears by him.

He has defensive
about Dr. Group's credentials.

You've got degrees from MIT,
and a bunch of other degrees.

The media makes fun of you
and says you're an idiot.

They say we cannot sell coffee,
it's a fraud.

I've been a research scientist
for a long time, I am MIT alumni

and I can tell you that
I do research all the time.

Okay, stop. Let's break down that
"bunch of degrees" Jones mentioned.

Group have a doctor of chiropractic
degree from Texas Chiropractic College.

But while he lists all these
other schools on LinkedIn,

he didn't graduate
from any of them.

We asked him, and he admits: he does
not have an undergraduate degree.

And as for whether
he's an "MIT alumni",

he completed a non-degree
certificate program there.

To be sure, we contacted MIT
and according to them:

"it is not accurate to say
he has a degree from MIT"

and "calling him an alumni would
be inaccurate and misleading."

Which does make sense, this man
does not look like an MIT alumnus.

He looks like a 5th-year senior at the
University of Falling Off a Surfboard.

Just to clarify, Alex,
that is what we are making fun of

when we make fun
of Dr. Group.

That and the fact that he looks
like what would happen

if Iggy Pop got "The Rachel".

Jones can inflate Dr. Group's
credentials all he wants.

He says a lot of crazy shit.
But it is noticeable that,

when it comes
to selling his supplements,

he can sometimes show a caution
pretty out of character.

Watch him bend over backwards
to repeatedly qualify what he says,

seconds after he's said it.

Maybe you've had back pain
or nerves cut off,

this creates tingling, a lot of people
had their feeling come back.

I'm not gonna make claims, research
true organically-based BioPQQ.

And it's not technically organic,
the other stuff's synthetic,

completely lab made, this is
made from organic sources,

but the bacteria's GMO,
I'll just tell you upfront.

It's not like the super
hi-tech stuff.

It's a bacteria that's just been bred
to be able to secrete and produce,

that's just like beer is bacteria,
a lot of good bacteria, obviously.

That's how the Japanese do it.

But it's bio-identical,
this stuff is only found in comets.

And in trace amounts
in blueberries.

Let's break that down. It repairs
nerves, but maybe doesn't.

It's organic, but not really.
It contains GMOs, which is bad,

except for when
he's selling you something.

You can only find
its ingredients in comets.

And blueberries. Iit's the drop-off
after that last one that is incredible.

You can only find this stuff
in dinosaur bones,

and in trace amounts in Ritz Bits.

Jones' products don't come cheap.
He sells this bottle of vitamin D3

for $29.95.

points out that you can buy
the same amount of D3

from other sources
for less than $4.

Jones will give you a hard sell.
He'll tell his products are different

than the one
you can find in stores.

And sometimes,
he'll go even bigger.

It is in the crystalline form,
the strongest, you absorb it !

Don't get iodine from, say, one of
the big chains. It'll kill you.

I did not know that you could
imply your competition kills people.

Four out of five dentists
prefer Trident gum,

and the fifth dentist is dead,
because he put Wrigley's in his mouth

and that's basically suicide.

To hear Jones tell it,
his products are marked up

just enough to keep
his business going,

as he explained on "Rationalizing
Low Ratings with Megyn Kelly".

It costs $45-50 million
a year to run this.

How much money is being made ?

The money made
is put back into things.

That is remarkable
for two reasons.

First, $45 to 50 million
is a lot of money.

Jones would have you believe that
every penny they earn

is being plowed back into a show
that looks like it was filmed

on the set of a low-budget
porn parody of itself.

He needs audience to buy more
to keep his truth-telling crusade

solvent and growing.

We fund ourselves by you
buying the products.

We're at a shortfall because of the
massive, sustained economic attacks.

But the listeners have almost
narrowed that gap.

I could have to sell my house
to keep this place running 3, 4 months.

I could have sponsors every
segment, I don't do it.

I plug enough to fund things.
Fund us !

Give me the energy
and I will attack the enemy.

Exactly. It's like an NPR pledge
drive for people who hate NPR.

To listen to Jones, Infowars
is on the edge of disaster.

He even has a link on Infowars store
where you can give him money

to "help fund the fight
against tyranny",

and contributors left comments

"$25 may not be much,
but I know every little bit helps."

Jones seems to be doing a bit more
than keeping his head above water.

Ex-employees describe a thriving
business, with one saying:

"he can sell 500 supplements
in an hour."

"It's like QVC for conspiracy."

We noticed he's wearing
what looks like a Rolex watch

worth around $8,000,
which: cool.

As we looked around, we noticed
he also seems to have

another two different Rolexes
and you know: cooler.

That is honestly fine.
He can have fancy watches.

There is nothing wrong with him
getting paid. I get paid for this show.

But it does fight with his message
that he needs you to buy products

to help keep his show going.

Even Alex Jones seems to be
self-conscious about that disconnect.

He's reconciled it
in a truly amazing way.

I wear a blue sports coat
and a Rolex because it's a symbol

of middle class and humanity
having prosperity,

promoting human prosperity
for the respect of empowering humanity

and stealing the image of a man
in a sports jacket with a Rolex,

that is the Satanic image,
so I dress as a Satanist

so that I can enter their world
and show you it means nothing.

Bullshit. How stupid
do you think your audience is ?

You bought a Rolex so you
could dress up like a Satanist.

What are the other two for ?
Tormenting the parents of Sandy Hook

should comfortably
get you into the Satanic club.

That's the E-Z Pass to whatever hell's
version of "the champagne room" is.

I promised Alex Jones that
I would put his statements in context.

If you play small clips in isolation,
he looks like a loon.

But if you play them in context,
he looks like a skilled salesman,

frightening you about problems
like refugees spreading disease

and then selling you
an answer.

Remember that gay
frog clip at the start ?

He did a follow up show explaining how
chemicals were being placed in water

to feminize society
and reduce the population,

and then segued to this.

We sell five different brands of
the very best water filtration systems.

They cut out 99.99% of the
glyphosate, the herbicides,

the pesticides, the fluoride.

To an untrained eye,
it sure seems like he was using

the idea of a gay frog
to sell his products.

Which, is the same mistake
the WB Network made.

I am not saying the only reason
Jones is talking about the globalists

systematically feminizing us is
to sell overpriced nutraceuticals

so he can buy luxury watches.

But if I were saying that,
it wouldn't be the stupidest theory

that you've heard so far tonight.

So if Alex Jones wants his
words in context, this is it.

The fact that he happens
to sell so many solutions

should recontextualize how you think
about what he is claiming are problems.

How would you feel if,
at the end of this segment

that may've made you
feel a little dirty,

I tried to sell you something
to wipe that gross feeling away ?

Would you question my motives ?
I certainly hope not,

because that's what
we are doing right now !

Come with me because
I am proud to say,

that we've been working
with a leading medical expert

and I would like you
to meet him now.

Please, welcome
Dr. Ted Throup III. Dr. Ted.

- So happy to be here.
- We're so happy to have you.

We are here, the doctor and I,
to offer you

the John Oliver Moisture-Armored
Tactical Assault Wipe,

the first tactical wipe for use
exclusively on the perineum.

That's right,
don't use this anywhere else.

You're gonna want to just focus
on this area right here.

Now, doctor, how is this
going to make people feel better

about what they've seen tonight ?

My studies show that when
you vigorously apply this taint wipe,

it causes a sensation that distracts

the brain from what
it had been thinking about.

You've got degrees from MIT,
and a bunch of other degrees.

- The media says that you're an idiot.
- They do !

But just for the record,
you did go to MIT, right ?

I've definitely
physically been there.

- That's essentially the same.
- That's what I've been telling !

This is real. They are available
for a million dollars apiece.

Don't think about buying
a similar wipe in a store,

those wipes will kill you.

These wipes have the power
to heterosexualize frogs.

So that's very nice to have,

'cause that's been a real problem
what with all the refugees.

This tactical taint wipe
has demonstrated incredible results !

Absolutely !
Look at this photo of me.

And now look at this photo
of me 45 minutes later,

after applying the taint wipe.

- You're much redder there.
- I'm so much redder.

- So much redder.
- So disturbingly red.

If you want to spend
a million dollars on a taint wipe,

And if you are thinking:
"no one's going to do that",

I will say: "people pay Alex Jones"

"$45 for a jar of chocolate-flavored
chicken juice",

so anything is fucking possible.

That is our show. Thank you
to Dr. Throup for joining us.

See you next week.
Good night !