Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Episode #3.3 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Welcome, welcome, welcome
to Last Week Tonight.

Thank you so much for joining us.

I'm John Oliver, just time
for a quick recap of the week.

And we begin with Egypt.
Or, as ISIS calls it, "next".

Egypt is currently in the throes of
a serious economic crisis,

and their leader, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi,
has not been handling it well.

Just a couple of weeks ago, he unveiled
a new public housing complex,

which should've been great news,

but he didn't strike a particularly
appropriate tone.

Abdel Fattah el-Sisi arrived on a red
carpet that stretched over two miles.

Soon after the extravagant arrival

el-Sisi made a speech
about cutting government subsidies,

claiming the state could not continue
to subsidize water and electricity.

Strutting down a red carpet which
reportedly cost $200,000,

on the very day you plan to tell people
to use less water.

The only less sensitive way
he could've arrived was via log flume.

So this week, el-Sisi tried again
to boost Egypt's economic spirits,

by launching a new development strategy
called "vision 20-30."

Which, frankly, already wasn't ideal,

as that name is already synonymous with
vision being not quite perfect.

And wait until you hear
some of the details of the plan.

We are a nation of 90 million.
Just think about it.

If only 10 million of us wake up
every day

and they donate by SMS
one Egyptian pound,

just one for the sake of this homeland.
That's 10 million pound a day.

Yes, part of el-Sisi's solution was
"hey, why don't you text me money ?"

He's begging for public support the way
Paula Deen begged people

to keep her on
"Dancing With The Stars."

Although I will admit, his plan
nearly had one very intriguing option:

For myself, I can say seriously,

if I may be sold.

It's ok for me to be sold.

Okay, then !
Selling yourself for the country.

You are pitching an amazing sequel to
"Indecent Proposal".

A man tries to save his country...
The hard way.

And credit here to the Egyptian people
who channeled their anger

into setting up an eBay page,

offering the sale of a used
field marshal in decent condition.

Which, honestly, wouldn't be the
dumbest thing ever to be sold on e-Bay.

After all, last month some idiot paid
$106 for

"possibly the largest Raisin Bran
flakes in the world."

And let me just say: that idiot is very
happy with his purchase.

But, thank you, thank you.

But with all the turmoil Egypt is in
at the moment,

what el-Sisi needed to do

was reassure the country
he had everything under control.

But, again, I am not sure
he struck the right tone.

And I'm telling all Egyptians

that don't listen to anyone except me.

I'm serious !

Don't listen to anyone except me.

"Don't listen to anyone but me,
I'm serious."

It's not good
when your country's leader

sounds like a frightened
substitute teacher.

And just like a substitute teacher,

you have a feeling that el-Sisi is
going to be replaced very, very soon.

But let's move on to Guantanamo Bay.

The Hotel California of prisons,
in that you can never leave,

and like that album, it is a permanent
stain on America's reputation.

The president unveiled what he claimed
was a major new plan this week.

Today the department is submitting to
congress our plan

for finally closing the facility
at Guantanamo once and for all.

I don't want to pass this problem on
to the next president, whoever it is.

That's a laudable goal.
Guantanamo is like a 37-year-old

who's still trying to be a

it's time someone shut that down.

You can't just pass the problem on to
his next girlfriend, whoever she is.

But if the president's speech
sounded familiar at all to you,

it may be because he signed
an executive order

just two days after taking office
to close Guantanamo.

And look at him back then !
So young, so hopeful !

Like a boy-band in the 90s signing
their first record contract

while Lou Pearlman salivates nearby.

And year after year,
he has made the same promise:

I have ordered the prison at Guantanamo
Bay closed by early next year.

Make no mistake: we will close
Guantanamo prison.

I still want to close Guantanamo. As
president, I have tried to close Gitmo.

I will continue to push to close Gitmo.

It's time to close Gitmo.

That's why I will keep working
to shut down the prison at Guantanamo.

Holy shit.
Just look at him then and now.

The president and Guantanamo Bay
are aging together

like the couple from "Up,"

and it's starting to seem like Obama
might be the wife who dies first.

But I hope

the president does not think
the 7th year is going to be the charm,

because the republican leadership's
stance can best be summed up

by a video
senator Pat Roberts released:

This is what I think of the president's
plan to send terrorists to the US.

Okay, well, first: sick shot.

Although technically,

that could mean you think the
president's plan is nothing but net.

So maybe work on your messaging.

But the law is actually
on senator Roberts' side.

In 2010, congress banned

the use of federal money
to bring detainees into the country.

And just three months ago,
they tightened those restrictions.

So the president's speech this week was
pretty much a symbolic gesture.

Like saying "let me help you with
the dishes" at the end of a party.

If you hand me a sponge,

I swear to fucking god I'm never coming
back to your apartment.

And while the president's determination
to get this done is admirable,

you have to wish that he'd thought
this closure through more fully.

Because the lack of a concrete plan
was painfully obvious

from the very day he signed
that executive order.

Guantanamo will be closed
no later than one year from now.

We will be...

Is there a separate executive order,

with respect to how
we're gonna dispose of the detainees ?

- Is that written ?
- We're setting up a process.

We will be setting up a process whereby
this is gonna be taking place.

Wait, wait: who the fuck is Greg ?
And why are you asking him now ?

I have to say, when it comes to
dashed presidential promises,

president Obama's "mission
accomplished" might just be...

"You got this, Greg, right ?
Greg's got it."

And now this.

And now...

Basketball enthusiast Pat Roberts
spends 12 minutes of senate time

fantasizing about playing one on one
with the president.

Everybody knows the president's
a very good basketball player.

I would emphasize the president
bounce the ball to him,

just to bounce pass, to say your ball,
Mr. President. Ball's in your court.

He would probably go to the left corner
and sink a 3 about that time.

I would probably be dribbling a lot.
Or trying to.

And then after I shot and missed it
and I'd say,

your ball again, Mr. President.
By that time,

the president has scored a couple of
layups and two more jump shots.

By that time, the president
probably stole the ball

and scored another layup. I'm still
on my second shot, on the free shot.

I scored a hook shot, Mr. President.
That's the end of the ball game.

But it is not the end of the debate.

Moving on: our main story tonight,
and I cannot believe I'm saying this

is Donald Trump. And I say that,

knowing every time his name is said out
loud, he has a shattering orgasm.

We have mostly ignored
Trump on this show.

But he has now won three states,
has been endorsed by Chris Christie,

and polls show him leading most Super
Tuesday states. Which is a big deal.

Since 1988, every candidate who's won
the most states on Super Tuesday

went on to become
their party's nominee.

So at this point, Donald Trump
is America's back mole.

It may've seemed harmless a year ago,

but now that it's gotten
frighteningly bigger,

it is no longer wise to ignore it.

And I do understand why Trump
supporters might like him.

He's unpredictable and entertaining.

Just look at how he went
after Marco Rubio on Friday:

Did you ever see a guy
sweat like this ? It's Rubio.

That's him.

That's objectively funny.

Just as it was funny when,
a few years ago, he tweeted,

"I would like to extend my best wishes
to all, even the haters and losers,

on this special date,
September the 11th."

He wished haters and losers
a happy 9/11 !

There is a part of me
that even likes the guy.

It's a part of me I hate,
but it is a part of me.

And if you are someone who's sick of
the party establishment,

he might seem like a protest candidate
with some attractive qualities.

We like him. He tells it like it is.

He says what he means, I honestly
believe he's telling the truth.

He's funding his own campaign.
Nobody owns him.

He's aggressive and he's strong
and he's bold.

I think he's an incredible businessman.

If he runs the country
like he runs his organization,

we would be in good shape.

Donald Trump can seem appealing...

Until you take a closer look, much like
the lunch buffet at a strip club,

or the NFL
or having a pet chimpanzee.

Sure, it seems fun, but someday,
Coco is going to tear your limbs off.

Because let's look at each of those
qualities those people listed.

First: "he tells it like it is."
Does he ?

Because, the website Politifact
checked 77 of his statements,

and rated 76 percent of them
as varying degrees of false.

I've witnessed this first-hand. He once
attacked my old boss by tweeting,

"if Jon Stewart is so above it all
and legit,

why did he change his name
from Jonathan Leibowitz ?

He should be proud of his heritage."
And then, two years later, wrote,

"I never attacked dopey Jon Stewart
for his phony last name.

Would never do that."

And then,
just last year, he claimed, falsely,

to have turned down an invite to appear
on this "very boring" show.

And who is he trying to impress
with that lie ?

Our show's guests include
sloths and puppies.

We're basically a petting zoo
with a desk.

But when we pointed out that he had
never been invited,

this is how he responded:

All of the sudden I see people saying
that John Oliver,

and I'm saying, John Oliver ?
And I checked with my people.

He asked me to be on the show
four or five times.

I don't even hardly know who he was.
I wouldn't know what he looks like.

First, I wouldn't expect him
to know who I was,

although, for his inevitable
angry tweet about this segment,

I'll tell him what I look like:

I look like a near-sighted parrot
who works at a bank.

But secondly:
it was genuinely destabilizing

to be on the receiving end
of a lie that confident.

I even checked to make sure that no one
had even accidentally invited him.

And, of course, they hadn't.

And I'm not even sure he knows
he's lying.

I think he just doesn't care
about what the truth is.

Donald Trump views the truth like this
Lemur views the Supreme Court vacancy.

"I don't care about that in any way.
Please fuck off, I have a banana."

So let's move on, let's move on
to his next selling point:

that he is truly independent, and not
beholden to anyone, or as he puts it:

I'm self-funding my campaign.
I tell the truth.

- How much have you spent so far ?
- Probably twenty-five million dollars.

Okay, let's break that down. First,
"I'm rich, therefore I tell the truth"

has the same internal logic as,
"I'm a vegan, therefore I know karate".

There is no cause-and-effect
between those two,

and the correlation usually goes
the other way.

And while it is true that he hasn't
taken corporate money,

the implication that he's personally
spent 20 to 25 million dollars

is a bit of a stretch.

Because what he's actually done is
"loaned" his own campaign

$17 and a half million.

And has just
personally "given" just $250,000.

And that's important,
because up until the convention,

he can pay himself back for the loan
with campaign funds.

If you don't think there's a big
difference between a gift and a loan,

try giving your spouse an anniversary
loan and see how that goes.

And even he himself sometimes admits
that his campaign

is by no means
completely self-funded.

I'm self funding my campaign,
other than the little tiny ones,

where women send in...
We had a woman $7.59.

What do you do ? How could you send
the money back ?

You know, it's cute. It's beautiful.
They feel invested in your campaign.

He makes it sound like women stuff
grimy dollar bills in envelopes,

writing "Donald Trump" on the front,
and he's too kind to send them back.

But he's taken in 7,5 million dollars
in individual contributions.

And if he didn't want it,

maybe he shouldn't have had
two "donate" buttons on his website.

Because money isn't "unsolicited"

when you have to ask for someone's
credit card expiration date to get it.

Okay, so how about the claim that
he's "tough" ?

Well again, I'm not sure about that.

Because for a tough guy,
he has incredibly thin skin.

Back in 1988, "Spy" magazine called him
a "short-fingered vulgarian."

And ever since, the editor,
Graydon Carter, says

he receives envelopes from Trump,
always with a photo

on which he's circled his hand,
to highlight the length of his fingers,

usually with a note reading,
"See ? Not so short !"

And look: his fingers seem fine.

But the very fact he's so sensitive
about them is absolutely hilarious.

As is the fact that those notes were
apparently written in gold Sharpie.

Which is so quintessentially
Donald Trump:

something that gives the appearance of
wealth but is just a cheap tool.

Now, Trump's signature tough talk,

his signature tough talk
often involves lawsuits.

He loves to threaten to sue people,
like he did with Rosie O'Donnell.

She said I was bankrupt,
I never went bankrupt.

So probably I'll sue her.
Because it would be fun.

I'd like to take some money out of her
fat ass pockets.

Look... Of course,

he needs to take Rosie O'Donnell to
court to take money out of her pockets

because his tiny, tiny fingers
are too short to reach into her wallet.

But he never sued her.
He never sued Rosie O'Donnell.

In fact, he's repeatedly threatened
people with lawsuits

and not followed through,
including the rapper Mac Miller,

Lawrence O'Donnell, Vanity Fair,

and an activist who launched a petition
for Macy's to drop Trump's products.

"I'll sue you" is Trump's version of

It doesn't really mean anything,
but he says it all the time.

But perhaps Trump's biggest selling
point as a candidate is his success.

And where could people
get that idea from ?

I'm really rich. I actually think
I have the best temperament.

People love me. I've been very
successful. Everybody loves me.

I went to an Ivy League school,
I'm very highly educated.

I know words. I have the best words.

Oh, please.

Literally the biggest word in the
sentence "I have the best words"

is the word "words."

But it's worth noting:

while yes, he has made more money than
most of us will make in a lifetime,

not only did he get

a multimillion-dollar inheritance
from his father,

but he's also lost a huge amount. And
this is where we need to be careful,

because as we've learned,
he will threaten to sue

your fat-ass pockets with his
cocktail-sausage fingers

if you talk about his companies'

So I will just let his own daughter
describe the state of his finances

at one point in his life.

I remember once my father and I
were walking down Fifth Avenue,

and there was a homeless person
sitting right outside of Trump Tower.

And I remember my father pointing
to him and saying,

that guy has eight billion dollars
more than me

because he was in such extreme debt
at that point.

And that really shows you the
indomitable spirit of Donald Trump.

To fall to his lowest point, and in
that very moment, still find a way

to be kind of a dick to a homeless guy.

Now, his campaign claims

his current worth is in excess
of ten billion dollars,

and they've written it in all caps,
so it must be true.

But others have disputed that figure.

In fact, a book once suggested that
Trump might be worth a mere

$150 million to $250 million,

which Trump protested by suing
the writer for $5 billion dollars.

Which is a pretty roundabout way
of getting half the way to ten billion.

And you should know, for the record,
Trump lost that lawsuit, twice.

But I am glad that he sued,
if only because, during the deposition,

he explained that his estimate of his
net worth fluctuates, based on,

and I quote, "feelings,
even my own feelings,

and that can change
rapidly from day to day."

Think about that: he claimed his net
worth changes depending on his mood.

Which makes absolutely no sense,

partly because he always seems to be
in the same mood, specifically:

smug, yet gassy.

And interestingly...

Interestingly, a significant portion of
his selfvaluation is intangible:

His brand is what he values very much,

and on his disclosure form that
he's released, it's about $3 billion.

That's what he values his brand as.

Exactly, he values his own name
at $3 billion.

And I'm not saying
a name can't have value,

it's why people will pay $120
for a plain white t-shirt

that is "designed" by Kanye West.
They don't want just any white t-shirt,

they want one designed by a bored
sociopath with a fingerfree anus.

But $3 billion seems a bit high.

Especially because,
while Trump said,

"If I put my name on something,
you know it's gonna be good",

over the years,

his name has been on some things that
have arguably been very un-good,

including Trump Shuttle,
which no longer exists.

Trump Vodka, which was discontinued.

Trump Magazine, which folded, Trump
World Magazine, which also folded.

Trump University,
over which he is being sued,

and of course the travel-booking site
"go Trump dot com,"

whose brief existence was a real thorn
in the side of anyone hoping

"got rump dot com" featured
a single thing worth masturbating to.

And that's not even mentioning this:

When it comes to great steaks,
I've just raised the stakes.

Trump steaks
are the world's greatest steaks,

and I mean that
in every sense of the word.

And The Sharper Image is the only store
where you can buy them !

And not only can you not buy
those steaks anymore,

but why did he sell them at The Sharper
Image ? That is a weird choice.

"I will take a massage chair,
an indoor waterfall,

and eight and a half pounds
of the finest meat in America."

And sure, every business executive is
bound to have a few missteps.

But Trump's lack of sound financial
instincts is perhaps best exemplified

by the business that he put his name on
back in 2006.

Just before the entire housing market

I think it's a great time
to start a mortgage company.

We're going to have a great company,
it's Trump Mortgage

and "Trump mortgage dot com,"
and it's gonna be a terrific company.

Yeah, it wasn't.
In fact...

In fact, starting a mortgage company
in 2006

was one of the worst decisions
you could possibly make.

But I guess you can convince yourself
it was a good idea

when you say 30 words

and five of them are "great," "great,"
"terrific," "Trump," and "Trump."

And you might say, "well,
never mind side businesses,

what he really is,
is a builder."

But a building with Trump written on it
is not necessarily owned by him.

He may just have licensed his name
to them,

something he claims is actually
"Better than ownership...

You don't put up money.
You don't put up anything."

Spoken like a true builder.

And some of those licensed buildings
sell his reputation hard.

Like the sales video for the Trump
Ocean Resort in northern Mexico:

I'm very, very proud
of the fact that when I build,

I have investors that follow me
all over. People ask me:

what does Trump stand for
more than anything else ?

And if I use one word,
it's always quality.

Right, but it's easy to throw around
the word "quality".

Have you ever stayed at a Quality Inn ?

The pillows are stuffed with hair
they fished out of the bathtub drain.

He was never the builder for that
project, which was later abandoned,

leaving would-be condo buyers like
William Flint, who lost $168,000,

feeling understandably betrayed.

Donald Trump was an expert
in these types of projects

or so we thought.

In a deposition for a lawsuit regarding
the property

Trump's son Donald Trump Jr.
conceded the Trump brand

could lead people to think
a project was a solid investment.

There's one of the things
you've learned through this process

is the Trump name brings stability
and reliability to the project.

I don't know if it brings stability
or viability

but I imagine certain people feel that.

And that might actually be the most
honest slogan for the Trump campaign:

"Trump 2016: I don't know if it brings
stability or viability,

but I imagine
certain people feel that."

Not only...

Not only did investors in that property
sue Donald Trump,

they also did in Trump Tower Tampa,

another project that never got off
the ground. And in both cases,

Trump characteristically deflected
blame onto the developers.

You'd think those investors would be
facing an impossible legal battle,

given Trump's tough talk:

When I get sued, I take it all the way.

You know what happens if you settle
suits ? You get sued more. It's true.

I don't settle anything.
I don't settle.

Guess what ? He settled both those
cases. But the problem is,

even when you can demonstrably
prove Trump to be wrong,

it somehow never seems to matter.
You can hold his feet to the fire,

but he'll stand there on the stumps
bragging about his fireproof foot skin.

And that may be because he's spent
decades turning his own name

into a brand synonymous
with success and quality.

And he's made himself
the mascot for that brand,

like Ronald McDonald or Chef Boyardee.

And that is who we have seen
in "The Apprentice", or Wrestlemania,

or "Home Alone 2". But if he's actually
going to be the Republican nominee,

it's time to stop thinking of the
mascot, and start thinking of the man.

'Cause a candidate for president needs
a coherent set of policies.

Whatever you think about Marco Rubio
and Ted Cruz,

at least you basically know
where they stand.

But Trump's opinions
have been wildly inconsistent.

He's been pro-choice and pro-life.
For and against assault-weapon bans.

In favor of both bringing in
Syrian refugees,

and deporting them out of the country.

And that inconsistency can be

Just this morning for instance, he was
asked about the fact that David Duke,

former grand wizard of the Ku Klux
Klan, told supporters to vote for him.

And this was his answer:

Will you unequivocally condemn
David Duke

and say that you don't want his vote or
that of other white supremacists ?

Just so you understand, I don't know
anything about David Duke, okay ?

I don't know anything about what
you're even talking about

with white supremacy
or white supremacists.

Honestly, I don't know David Duke,
I don't believe I've ever met him,

I'm pretty sure I didn't meet him, and
I just don't know anything about him.

Really ?
That's your best answer there ?

Because you definitely know who he is,

partly 'cause you've called him a bigot
and a racist in the past,

but that's not even the fucking point.
The point is, with an answer like that,

you are either racist
or you are pretending to be,

and at some point,
there is no difference there.

And sure, he disavowed David Duke
later in the day,

but the scary thing is,
we have no way of knowing

which of his inconsistent views
he'll hold in office.

Will he stand by his statement that
vaccines are linked to autism ?

Or his belief that Mexico is sending us
rapists ?

Oh, and what about
that plan he had to defeat ISIS ?

We're fighting a very politically
correct war.

But the thing is, with the terrorists,
you have to take out their families.

When you get these terrorists, you have
to take out their families.

They care about their lives,
don't kid yourself,

but they say they don't care about ti,
you have to take out their families.

That is the frontrunner
for the republican nomination,

advocating a war crime.
And he might say he was joking,

or he's changed his mind about
any of these things.

And private individuals are allowed to
change their minds. We all do it.

But when he's sworn in as president on
January 20, 2017,

on that day,
his opinions are going to matter.

And you will remember that date,

because it's the one time travelers
from the future will come back to,

to try and stop the whole thing
from happening.

And listen, I get that the character of
Donald Trump is entertaining.

And that he says things
that people want to hear.

And I know his very name is powerful.

Just listen to this one supporter
explain what it means to her:

I was a little girl. I didn't even know
what Trump Towers were,

but I knew that
he was a wealthy successful man.

Somehow, even as a very young kid,
the word 'Trump' meant 'rich' to you ?

It meant success.

She's not even wrong.
"Trump" does sound rich.

It's almost onomatopoeic. "Trump !"

It's the sound produced when a mouthy
servant is slapped across the face

with a wad of $1,000 bills.
"Trump !"

It's the sound of a cork popping
on a couple's champagneaversay,

the date renovations in the wine-cellar
were finally completed.

The very name "Trump" is
the cornerstone of his brand.

If only there were a way to uncouple
that magical word

from the man he really is.

Well, guess what ? There is.

Because it turns out, the name "Trump"
was not always his family's name.

One biographer found that a prescient
ancestor had changed it from

and this is true, Drumpf.

Yes, fucking "Drumpf" !

And Drumpf is much less magical.

It's the sound produced
when a morbidly obese pigeon

flies into the window of
a foreclosed Old Navy. Drumpf !

It's the sound of a bottle of
store-brand root beer

falling off the shelf
in a gas station mini-mart.

And it may seem weird to bring up
his ancestral name,

but to quote Donald Trump,
"he should be proud of his heritage".

Because "Drumpf" is much more
reflective of who he actually is.

So if you are thinking of voting for
Donald Trump,

the charismatic guy promising to make
America great again,

stop and take a moment to imagine
how you would feel

if you just met a guy named
Donald Drumpf.

A litigious serial liar with a string
of broken business ventures

and the support of a former
Klan leader,

who he can't decide
whether or not to condemn.

Would you think
he would make a good president ?

Or is the spell now somewhat broken ?

And that is why tonight, I'm asking
America to make Donald Drumpf again !

Hashtag "make Donald Drumpf again."

We've actually filed paperwork to
trademark the name Drumpf.

And incidentally, when we own it,
I will have the best word.

And if you go to "Donald J. Drumpf
dot com", which we own,

you can download a Drumpfinator
Chrome extension, which will replace

the word "Trump" with "Drumpf"
wherever it appears in your browser.

And you can also buy these
"Make Donald Drumpf Again" hats

which we are selling at cost, meaning
we've chosen not to make a profit.

A fact which will irritate Mr. Drumpf
more than anything else I said tonight.

And if you're thinking,
well, that's all great,

but I wish there was a new campaign
anthem for Donald Drumpf,

here it is now. Here it is right now.

Because listen, we cannot keep getting
blinded by the magic of his name.

We need to see him through fresh eyes.

So please,
don't think of him as Donald Trump.

Think of him as something else.

And don't vote for him
because he tells it like it is,

he's a bullshit artist.

Don't vote for him because he's tough,
he's a baby, with even smaller fingers.

Don't vote for him
because he's a "builder",

he's more of a shitty lifestyle brand.

And that is our show !

Mr. Drumpf, I await your lawsuit
in the morning.

I have no doubt that the complaint
will be signed in gold Sharpie.

Goodnight !

What's his motherfucking name ?

Donald Drumpf, Donald Drumpf,

Donald Drumpf.