Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 31 - Canada - full transcript

LAST WEEK TONIGHT
WITH JOHN OLIVER

Series II
Episode 31

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight" !

I'm John Oliver. Thank you so much
for joining us.

Just time
for a quick recap of the week,

and it has been a little bleak,

from Hungary
closing borders to refugees

to increased tensions between
Israelis and Palestinians,

but there was one ray
of pure, joyful light

from New Zealand this week,
hobbits' Australia.

Their prime minister, John Key,



appeared on a radio show
and was asked to take part

in one of their regular segments,
where a guest has to honestly answer

10 yes-or-no questions.

Are you ready to play
"Thank You for Your Honesty" ?

- Do I get a choice ?
- No.

- No ? Okay, fine.
- Deep breath and you'll be fine.

Okay, let me stop you there,
'cause that's already amazing.

The prime minister just
let himself be overruled

by two morning radio DJs !

Are they like the supreme court
in New Zealand or something ?

And if you're thinking they might have
gone easy on him,

they did not.

Was the Virgin Mary
really a virgin ?

No.



I promise, John Key, this is an
important one.

- Do you trim your downstairs ?
- No.

Have you ever done wees
in the shower ?

Yes.

- Have you ever stolen anything ?
- Yes.

- Have you ever sent a dick pic ?
- No.

Holy shit !

I don't know what
I love the most there:

The fact he felt qualified to weigh in
on the Virgin Mary,

the fact he confessed
to theft and shower urination,

or his admission that he does not trim
his pubic hair.

This is the single greatest political
interview of all time.

I actually think
the only time he might've lied

is regarding the dick pic question,

because of course he has sent one,
and I'll tell you why.

When you are Prime Minister John Key,
every pic is a dick pic.

That's a fact. That's just a fact.
So, let's move on.

Let's move on now to Mexico,

the only place you can get a truly
authentic volcano quesarito.

Mexico's president,
Enrique Peña Nieto,

has been struggling
in the polls recently.

Poverty remains deep-rooted,

and massacres involving security
forces and corruption scandals

has made Peña Nieto the most unpopular
president in 20 years.

Wow. Mexico's
most unpopular president.

That's actually impressive,
because until recently,

the most unpopular president in Mexico

was still American president
James K. Polk,

also known in Mexico as "that guy who
took Texas from us."

Mexicans are justifiably upset
at the moment,

which is why a video that
the Nieto government placed

on their YouTube page
on Monday was such a bad idea.

In a vignette set
in working-class Mexico,

a carpenter tells off
a workmate moaning

about the government's
controversial reforms.

He ends his lecture
with what the PR department

must have thought was a killer line.

"Enough already of your complaining,"
he says in slang.

"Enough of your complaining" ?

You get used to hearing politicians
say, "We've heard your voice,"

but they don't usually
follow that up with,

"And it's annoying,
so shut the fuck up."

Unsurprisingly, the Mexican public
was not impressed.

How are we not going to complain

when there is so much wrong
with the country ?

If they solved the problems,
we wouldn't be complaining.

Twitter has jumped on the theme

with a long list of complaints
they do have

in a country where corruption
and impunity dominate.

Within hours, the video was gone.

Yeah, yeah,
gone from their YouTube page,

but not gone from the Internet.

You'd think people would
know by now

you can't delete
anything from the Internet.

The only way to guarantee no one
will see something online

That's the only way to guarantee it.

And while the video may
have been taken down,

the hashtag it inspired,
Yachole, Spanish for "Enough,"

is going strong, with people
tweeting things like,

"Enough with the excessive
political theft,"

"forced disappearances,
and corruption,"

and "Enough with your corrupt and
mediocre cabinet, Peña Nieto,"

and my absolute favorite,
a GIF that says,

"Enough with your..." and then
just an exploding poop emoji.

And that is perfect,

because when a government decides to
tell its citizens to stop complaining,

they should know that shit is
going to blow up in your face.

And finally, this week, Denmark,
also known as Wrong Norway,

Different Sweden, and That's Actually
Not Finland.

You may remember,
last year the Copenhagen Zoo

caused something
of an international scandal.

A Denmark zoo is
facing serious backlash

after it killed a two-year-old giraffe

and fed its remains
to lions on Sunday.

Okay, now obviously, feeding a giraffe
to lions is shocking,

although I will say I'm not
a huge fan of giraffes.

They look like a camel fucked a
cheetah and took neck Viagra.

And yet,
despite the global outcry,

just a few weeks later,
the zoo was at it again.

That same Danish Zoo
that killed a healthy giraffe

has now killed two adult lions
and two lion cubs.

Yes, they fed the giraffe to lions,

and then killed some
of the lions that ate it.

Who did they then feed the lions to ?

Pretty soon the Copenhagen Zoo is
going to be one really fat meerkat

sitting atop a giant pile of bones.

And after all this, you would think

Denmark would tone down
the dead animal stuff a bit,

but now, a different Danish zoo has
taken things to a whole new level.

A zoo in Denmark has an extreme
demonstration planned for next week.

Odense Zoo has
recently announced its plans

to dissect a lion in front of a crowd,
which will likely include children.

In fact, the event coincides
with the fall school break.

It is true. On Thursday,

a Danish zoo dissected a lion
in front of children.

And in case you're wondering
how much they enjoyed that,

let me show you an actual photo
from the event.

That is how much they enjoyed it,
because of course that's how much !

It's like you told them
there's no Santa,

or that there is, but he's dead
and this is his spleen.

And incredibly, some in Denmark still
insisted this was an excellent idea.

I think it's very important
for kids to know

how the animals look like inside.

Yes. Yes, you must learn what a lion
looks like when cut into bits.

You must learn what
causes depression in bears.

You must learn what mosquitoes think
when their parents die.

That's what they think.

That's what they think.

And by the way,
just in case you're assuming

this particular lion
died a natural death,

you do not know Denmark.

The zoo in central Denmark
says the female lion

was euthanized nine months ago because
they had too many lions.

The lion has been kept
in a freezer ever since.

I'll say this: If you're
going to leave something

in your workplace freezer
for nine months,

you'd better be sure to label it,

and even then it won't be safe,
and I'll tell you why.

Janice in accounting
don't give a fuck.

She don't give a fuck.

Listen, if Danish zoos are not
going to stop this behavior,

they may as well start
using it as a selling point.

On behalf of the people of Denmark,

we'd like to invite you to visit one
of our famous Danish zoos.

Come to Copenhagen
and see amazing animals,

like our four sea lions.

Three sea lions.

Say hello to our camel Laurits
and our elephant Birgitte.

On Thursday, we strangle her.

Wave to the cute red panda
before it's fed to otters.

And come see otters before they're fed
to one of our three sharks.

Two sharks.

Children will love getting
to know our animals

and then seeing what's inside them.

And the memories of what they've seen
will never leave them.

Denmark's zoos, we are nature's
grim handmaiden,

shuffling off
the mortal coil of beasts

as we dance in doom's firelight.

Moving on. Moving on.

Our main story
tonight is Canada,

the country you think
about so little...

That's it. End of sentence.

But that's a shame, because Canada is
an important country.

They're our largest trading partner,

and the US-Canadian border
is the longest in the world,

stretching from the coastal town of
Who-Gives-A-Shit, Alaska,

to the small fishing village
of Great... Whatever, Maine.

And this makes it a little sad
that you probably don't know

Canada is having
a major election soon,

and by soon, I mean tomorrow

which is in around 50 minutes.

So, by the time we're done,
you'll have waited

until literally almost the last moment

to learn the first thing
about the Canadian election,

an election, by the way,
of historic proportions.

Today, a 78-day campaign begins.

By any standards, gruelling,

and the longest on record
since the 19th century.

Okay, okay, thinking 78 days
is a long campaign

is absolutely adorable.

It's like a woman who has only ever
seen one penis saying,

"That's the longest one ever."

"There couldn't possibly be
one longer than that."

But I have to say, they've packed a
lot into those 78 days,

particularly in the local races,

where one conservative
candidate, Jerry Bance,

the owner of an appliance
repair business

withdrew for a truly
breath-taking reason.

Well, Mr. Bance had the misfortune

of being caught up in
a "Marketplace" investigation

into the ethics of appliance repair
businesses who do house calls.

Jerry Bance responded
to a service call

at a house that was equipped
with hidden cameras

as part of the
"Marketplace" investigation,

and those cameras caught him urinating
in a homeowner's coffee mug,

dumping the urine into a kitchen sink,
giving it a quick rinse,

and then putting it back
into the sink.

That is absolutely disgusting,

although it is surprising Canada was
so shocked about urine in a mug,

considering that's exactly
what Labatt Blue tastes like.

But amazingly...

That's not even the most surprising
scandal in Canada's local races.

An NDP candidate in Hamilton, Ontario,

is apologizing for making a joke
about a Nazi death camp.

In a 2008 Facebook posting,
Alex Johnstone said a picture

of an electrified fence post
at Auschwitz looked phallic.

According to "The Hamilton Spectator,"

Johnstone says she did not know
what Auschwitz was until now.

Wow ! That is parading two
different kinds of ignorance,

not knowing what Auschwitz is
and if she thinks that's phallic,

not knowing what a penis looks like.

And this kind of makes you wonder

who is running
the schools up in Canada.

Johnstone,
a social worker by training,

is the vice chair of the Hamilton
Wentworth District School Board

and a school trustee.

Yes, she helped run a school board.

That would explain why their history
curriculum includes the textbook,

"Poland, 1939-45: Things That Looked
Like Dicks, Mainly."

And I know what you're thinking:

Who cares about Canada's
least-qualified school board member

and Mug Dick, the handyman ?

These are just local elections.

But the thing is, Canadians don't
elect their prime minister directly.

That's decided by how many MPs
each party gets.

So, these local races are vital to who
becomes Canada's next leader,

and the polls are split
between the three major parties:

the New Democratic Party, or NDP,

the Liberal Party,
and the Conservatives.

It's a good, old-fashioned
Canadian three-way,

which is also the sex act in
which three people apologize

to each other so hard,
they all climax.

The socialist NDP began the election
ahead in the polls,

but they've since lost momentum,

partly because
their leader, Tom Mulcair,

widely thought to be
an excellent legislator

has not been the most
comfortable campaigner.

Here is Mulcair
trying out some slogans.

Health care, childcare,

Pharmacare, Mulcair.

This is what change looks like.

You are not
what change looks like.

I understand you're talking
about your policies,

but still, change,
visually, does not look

like Paul Giamatti's uncle
reading a rhyming dictionary.

Now, as for the Liberal Party, they
are currently in the lead,

campaigning on a platform of tax
breaks for the middle class

and a plan to run a three-year deficit
to boost the economy

and ease the strain
of austerity measures.

Their leader is Justin Trudeau,

son of former
Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau,

a legendary political
figure in Canada.

Although there is some
concern that Justin Trudeau

may not be quite as smart
as his father,

as a journalist who has
covered him concedes.

His father was considered sort of
intellectually brilliant smart.

Does he have that kind of smarts ?

No. And he will tell you that himself.

But he...

I think other people
have used this word, too,

he has an emotional intelligence that
Pierre Trudeau didn't have.

"Emotional intelligence."

That is the kind of made-up quality
you might find on a report card

from a Montessori school.

Well done, Zayden ! You got a squirrel
on Emotional Intelligence.

But on Actual Intelligence,
you got a frowning walrus

which is an "F."
That's an "F," Zayden.

Let's make that walrus smile.

Now, while growing up
in the public eye

has given Justin Trudeau
name recognition,

it also has had its drawbacks.

For instance, if you do
a Google image search on him,

you can find every poor fashion choice
that he's ever made,

from a '90s boy band member
one week before entering rehab,

to an L.L. Bean sweater model
who just underwent a lobotomy

to Johnny Depp's evil twin.

And it's not just photos.

There's also embarrassing
videos out there,

like this one in which
he explains his party trick

of pretending to fall down
a flight of stairs.

Let me show you
how it normally works.

I put a person here, and I'm passing,
so it's like, "Hey."

"How are you ?"

What ? Look, look, look, look.

No one is saying that that is behavior
worthy of a head of state,

but you cannot deny that
it is somewhat satisfying

to watch a soul-patched man
named Justin

with a French accent
just fall down some stairs.

There's something there
that's good about it.

And Trudeau's opponents have used his
lightweight reputation against him,

by running ads like these.

Is Justin ready ?

Justin thinks budgets
balance themselves,

But Justin hasn't
thought that through.

Justin doesn't understand
the consequences.

Justin. He's just not ready.

Now, repeatedly calling him Justin is
actually very clever,

because the more you say that name,
the less ready for office he sounds.

The name Justin
doesn't convey leadership

so much as it conveys an unwillingness
to sit still

at the pediatrician's office

or ownership of
a System of a Down tattoo

halfway through a painful
laser-removal process.

Those are the two types of Justin that
exist, and just those two.

But despite these concerns,
polls show that Justin

is currently leading incumbent Prime
Minister Stephen Harper,

a man who, thanks to Canada's
lack of term limits,

has already been in office
for almost 10 years.

And while Trudeau has been painted
as a charismatic pretty boy,

no one has ever said either of those
things about Stephen Harper.

Just watch him
try to appear relatable.

Something you might not know about me
is that I love movies and TV shows.

One of my all-time favorites
is "Breaking Bad."

It's available on online streaming
services if you've never seen it.

"I love movies and TV shows"

isn't a statement
that wins over voters.

It's what an alien
in disguise as a human

tells you while trying
to fit in at a dinner party.

But don't be deceived
by his bland exterior.

Where there is banality,
there is evil.

For instance, Harper's government has
passed numerous laws

weakening Canada's
environmental protections,

they've scaled back
health care for some refugees,

which a federal court called
"cruel and unusual,"

and Harper has taken an extremely
strong position on marijuana.

There's just overwhelming and growing
scientific and medical evidence

about the bad long-term
effects of marijuana.

We've spent a couple of generations

trying to reduce the usage
of tobacco in Canada

with a lot of success.

Tobacco is a product
that does a lot of damage.

Marijuana is infinitely worse.

Are you high ?

Marijuana is not worse than tobacco.

The only context in which
that's true is aesthetics.

Look at Paul Newman. Okay.

Now look at whatever the fuck this is.

Marijuana is infinitely worse

in that context
and that context alone.

But Harper's ugliest tendency is
perhaps his pandering to Islamophobes.

Earlier this year, his government
passed a law called

the Zero Tolerance
for Barbaric Cultural Pactices Act.

tiffening penalties for things like
honor killing and polygamy,

despite the fact both those things
were already illegal in Canada.

A few weeks ago, they suggested a
barbaric cultural practices hotline

despite the fact 911
continues to exist in Canada.

And this is on top of the fact that
they once banned women

from wearing the niqab while taking
the oath of citizenship,

a decision that Harper justified

during a French-language
debate like this.

I would never tell my daughter

that a woman should cover her face

because she's a woman.
I would never say that.

Okay. For a start,
if Stephen Harper's daughter

is covering her face, it's probably
because she understandably

does not want to be seen in public
with Stephen Fucking Harper.

But this isn't a debate
about his parenting,

it's a debate about forbidding one
particular religious practice,

and to hear from one of the women
affected by the ban,

she did not appreciate it.

How do you explain to Canadians
why it's so important

to keep your veil on
while taking the oath ?

Because the Canadi...
I actually chose this country for

the reason is, it provides me
with the freedom

to practice my religion as well.

And Canada's federal courts
actually agreed with her,

'cause she sued
Harper's government and won,

presumably arguing
that if Harper was happy

to let Canadians interact with their
government dressed like this,

she should be allowed to wear
whatever the fuck she wants.

And if all of that...

If all of that were not enough

to make you hate Stephen Harper,

there's also the fact
that he has a band

a terrible, terrible band.

That is Stephen Harper
murdering "Sweet Caroline"

with his actual band that he chose to
call the Van Cats,

an apparent play on"vingt-quatre,"
to represent 24 Sussex,

the name of the prime minster's
residence. So, to recap there,

Harper's band's name
is not just a shitty pun,

it's a shitty French pun on the fact
that he is prime minister of Canada.

That is the least rock and roll
thing imaginable

until you see
this photo of Stephen Harper

with the lead singer of Nickelback.

And look, I know it's hard for
Americans to care about this,

but think of it this way.

Picture your next-door neighbor.

You may not be great friends
with her, but you'd be sad

if she started dating
a complete and utter dickhead.

Well, Canada is America's
next-door neighbor

and Stephen Harper is
her dickhead boyfriend.

You know, the one
she won't split up with

despite the fact
he tells her what to wear

and makes her listen
to his shitty, shitty band.

And I would love to tell
the people of Canada right now

to vote Stephen Harper out of office.

Unfortunately, and this is amazing,

it's against Canadian law,

specifically, Section 331
of the Canada Elections Act

which states, "No person who does
not reside in Canada"

"shall induce electors to vote
or refrain from voting"

"for a particular candidate."

And apparently, anyone found guilty
of doing that

could be fined up to $5,000,

given a six-month jail term, or both.

That is a ridiculous law,

and I guess what
you're saying, Canada, is...

"You want to dance ?"

Is that what you're saying ?

'Cause if you want to dance, Canada,

bring your best moves,
'cause it's nearly midnight

and Johnny's got his dancing shoes on.

You think I'm scared of six months
in Canadian prison ?

What's that ? Six months
of living in Ottawa ?

Yes ! That's right !

Keep yourself warm
with that Ottawa burn.

And as for your $5,000 fine,

I simply can't imagine
a better way to spend

5,000 Canadian dollars.

But if telling you not to vote for
Stephen Harper is will cost me $5,000,

I'm going to get my money's worth,

and I'm gonna do it in the most
Canadian way possible.

So please come with me.

Because I'm going to tell you

not to vote for Stephen Harper
alongside this beaver

playing "Sweet Caroline"
on the keyboard

and this moose receiving a colonoscopy

under Canada's fantastic single-payer
health care system,

and finally with the help of one
of Canada's finest sons,

Mike Meyers dressed as a Mountie
riding a snowplough !

Yes ! It doesn't get more Canadian !

It just doesn't get
more Canadian than this !

I think I have
your full attention, Canada !

Oh yes !

Oh yes.

Yes. Yes.

Hi, Mike. Hi. Hi, John, how are you ?

Thank you so much
for doing this.

Is there anything you'd
like to say at this point ?

- Yes, there's lots I'd like to say.
- Okay.

I love Canada,
but the fact that it has a law

banning outsiders from telling
Canadians how to vote

is one of the least
Canadian things possible.

Sure.

Oh, and don't vote
for Stephen Harper.

Exactly. Exactly.

Don't do it, and I'll tell you why.

Stephen Harper doesn't care
about black people !

Oh God ! Not again !

Sorry. Sorry.
What I meant to say was,

Stephen Harper doesn't
care about Muslim people !

Totally fair. Yeah. Yeah.
There you go. There you go.

- I think he made that pretty clear.
- I think it was painful.

So please do not vote
for Stephen Harper !

- Yeah, don't do it !
- Shall we ?

- Shall we, Mike ? Let's.
- Yeah, look at this.

- Here's your $5,000 Canada !
- 5,000 dineros, yeah.

Here's your 5,000 !

Take it ! Take it all !

And now... this.

A student passes put
listening to Stephen harper speak.

In terms of your question,

I travel all around
the country, all over,

meeting people
and making announcements.

Don't worry, he was fine.
As was this student, 3 years earlier.

Obviously don't agree on everything,
but he understands that

I think everybody understands
that Canada's a sovereign country.

And now

And finally tonight,
quotations, the karaoke of ideas.

Quotations make us sound smart.

That's why politicians love
throwing them around.

In fact, just recently, Ben Carson
decided to quote a founding father.

Thomas Jefferson himself said,
you know, gun control works great

for the people who are
law-abiding citizens,

and it does nothing
for the criminals,

and all it does is put
the people at risk.

I'm pretty sure
Jefferson did not say that,

in part because the term "gun control"

wasn't even used in its modern sense
until the 1960s.

Now, to be fair, the gist of the quote

does appear
in Jefferson's handwriting,

but it was apparently
a paraphrased quote

from Italian philosopher
Cesare Beccaria

that Jefferson had copied
into his journal.

And you cannot give people credit

for saying things
they copied into notebooks.

Otherwise, my teenage self
would've been able

to claim credit
for the Pythagorean theorem

and most Smashing Pumpkins lyrics.

But Carson is just one offender.
In this election cycle alone,

BuzzFeed found that Mike Huckabee,
Scott Walker, and Rand Paul

had all misquoted
great American figures,

which may seem
like unpresidential behavior

were it not for the fact that a
surprising number of presidents

have done the exact same thing.

I came upon this quote
by Abraham Lincoln.

"I am not bound to win"

"but I'm bound to be true."

The principles so eloquently stated
by Abraham Lincoln,

quote, "You cannot strengthen the weak
by weakening the strong."

Mr. Lincoln once said
that you can fool

all of the people some of the time,

and you can fool some
of the people all of the time,

but you cannot fool all of the people
all the time.

Lincoln never said
any of those things !

None of them !

Nor did he say, as this tank top sold
on Etsy would have you believe,

"Four score and seven beers ago."

Not that either !

The Internet is only making

this epidemic of misattributing
quotes worse.

Representative Jody Hice
spent his 2014 campaign

covering his Facebook page
and Twitter feed

with completely inaccurate quotes
from the Founding Fathers,

like this one, which reads,
"Most bad government"

"has grown out
of too much government,"

which there is no record
of Jefferson ever saying.

In fact, it sounds much more like
something Ayn Rand would've said

but, you know, using around
80,000 more words.

But that is the problem with memes.

If you have the right font,
and the right photo,

any quote can seem real, and I'll tell
you how I know that.

Because for years now,

you may have seen
multiple photos of me

comparing gun control
to airport security.

It's an interesting thought.
Here's the thing.

I never said that !

Even though I've now seen it
so many times

I'm starting to genuinely
wonder if I did !

Because with just a few minutes
of photoshopping,

You can make it seem plausible
that anyone said anything.

For instance, did you know
Alexander Hamilton

once said, "I'm not here to make
friends. I'm here to win" ?

Or that Marie Curie said,

"After the show,
it's the after-party."

"After the party,
it's the hotel lobby."

I mean, they didn't say
either of those things,

but admit it there is
some small part of you

that now thinks they might've done.

It seems we have got a decision
to make at this point.

Either we care about
the accuracy of quotes

and make sure that
they're correctly sourced,

or we don't care at all, which is why
we have created a website called

which will generate random misquotes

from historical figures,
such as Thomas Jefferson saying...

"Yeah, I pronounce it pzsketti. Why?
Is there another way?"

Because if quotes no longer
have to be real,

they should at least be fun.

hit the "Deliver me
some wisdom" button

and share the misattributed quotes
with the rest of the world.

And, in the words of Adolf Hitler...

So thank you so much for watching !

A huge thanks to Mike Myers !

Good night !

Good night !

LAST WEEK TONIGHT
WITH JOHN OLIVER

Series II
Episode 31