Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 28 - Migrants and Refugees - full transcript

John talks about Pope Francis visiting the USA and the immigration crisis in Europe.

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Season II,
Episode 28

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight" !

Thank you so much
for joining us.

I'm John Oliver. Just time
for a quick recap of the week,

and we begin with the pope,

the only person on Earth
who can pull off a white cape,


He's the only one.

You look like a photo negative
of Darth Vader.

Anyway, the pope was
in the United States this week,

speaking before Congress,
visiting the UN,

riding through Central Park,

going to Philly for no clear reason

and encountering
adoring crowds everywhere.

Thousands greeted Pope Francis
as he arrived in New York,

lining the roadways
through Manhattan,

waving flags and banners, raising
their cell phones for a picture.

Yes, everywhere he went,
it seems people in America wanted

to show the pope their new iPhones.
"Look, Holy Father !"

"It's the iPhone 6s !
I've got it !"

"It comes in rose gold
and it has an A9 chip !"

"The iPhone 6 only had
an A8 chip, Your Holiness !"

"Please, touch my phone so the battery
may have everlasting life !"

This was a truly
historic trip for the pope,

not least because he was directly
responsible for a miracle.

Just watch how his arrival
was reported on MSNBC.


Good day. I'm Brian Williams
at MSNBC headquarters, New York.

Holy shit ! He brought
Brian Williams back from the dead.

It's a miracle !
Although, you know what ?

I will say, hearing Brian Williams
report something now

is like reading about it
in the New Testament.

I believe a man named
Pope Francis exists,

but a lot of the details
were probably embellished.

And for a man who has been off
the air for so long,

he spent a long time obsessing
over one particular detail.

The magic of that face
and that smile and his touch...

His sense of touch...

The power of his touch...

The yearning to touch him...

This very tactile pope...

Her lips said "I love you"
when she met the pope.

So tactile.

I think Brian Williams
wants to pet the pope.

I think he does.

There is no doubt the pope seems
to inspire

strange reactions wherever he goes,
but the strangest one this week

may have come from
Congressman Bob Brady.

The democrat watched
as the pope addressed

the joint session
of Congress Thursday,

and then proceeded to take
his unfinished glass of water.

He took a sip before carrying
the glass back to his office.

He plans on blessing his grandchildren
with the rest of the water.

He drank the pope's water.

I don't mean
to be disrespectful,

but I'm pretty sure that is not part
of the Catholic faith.

That is not holy water
that you're drinking.

It is the backwash
from an old Argentinian man.

That is what you have there.

So let's move on.

Let's move on to the United Kingdom,
Europe's America.

All this week the UK
has been captivated by revelations

in a new, unauthorized biography
of Prime Minister David Cameron.

You may ask what about
David Cameron could be captivating.

Well, just wait.

There are allegations the young David
Cameron smoked cannabis at Oxford

and even that he took part in a bizarre
initiation ceremony for a dining club

involving a pig.

"Bizarre" is a kind way
of describing it,

because the actual allegation
is that a dead pig's head was resting

in the lap of a dining club member
and then, and I quote,

"the future PM inserted a private
part of his anatomy"

"into the animal's mouth".

Yes. This book actually
contains a claim

that David Cameron,
Prime Minister of the UK,

once put his dick
in a dead pig's mouth.

And look, this is just the word
of a single source

published in an unauthorized biography.
We do not know if this is true.

But please,
please let it be true,

because a prime minister
receiving oral copulation

from a dead pig hits
the perfect sweet spot

between one of the most
horrific things ever

and one of the most
amazing things ever.

And again, this is based on
a single source,

and even the co-author's rationale
for including it is a little thin.

We did think about whether
we should put it in or not,

and in the end,
it made us smile.

I have to say, "we thought about
whether to put it in or not,"

"but in the end,
it made us smile," sounds like

something David Cameron would say
after sticking his dick in a dead pig.

If he did.

Which he definitely did.

I honestly don't want to look
into this story too closely

in case it falls apart, but to ignore it
simply because it might not be true

is to look a gift horse
in the mouth.

A mouth tenderly wrapped
around the thrusting penis

of British Prime Minister
David Cameron.

It's made even better by the fact
that it's almost impossible

to discuss this on television,

even though many people
have very clearly wanted to.

There are lurid allegations
that are made in this book,

but we can't explicitly
talk about them at this hour.

...the pig and what did
or didn't happen.

- Enough said, I think. Don't you ?
- I could say a lot more on that.

Do you anticipate many leaving
to join the Lib Dems ?

Well, I think
you also have this issue

of the prime minister putting his cock
in a dead pig's mouth.

Dan, do you know what, mate ?
One, it's an allegation.

Two, your choice of language
in referring to that

far goes beyond what is permitted
at this time of the day.

Okay, but in
that caller's defense,

"putting his cock
in a dead pig's mouth" probably is

the politest possible way to say it.

Consider the alternatives.

"David Cameron was sucked
and fucked by a Christmas ham."

Is that better ?

"He received
an unenthusiastic blowie"

"from one-third of a BLT."
Do you prefer that ?

You tell me a delicate way
to put this.

I'm not kidding.
Go on Twitter right now

and tell the British media
a more delicate way to put it,

using the hashtag "respectful
interspecies face fuck". Have at it !

And finally,
let's move on to cars,

the smartest characters in
the "Fast & Furious" movies.

This week, German automaker
Volkswagen found itself

in the middle of a scandal
of potentially criminal proportions.

Volkswagen is bracing
for billions in fines,

possible criminal charges
for its executives

as the company apologizes
for rigging 11 million cars

to help it beat
emissions tests.

Certain models were designed
with a sophisticated software

that used the position of the steering
wheel and the speed of the vehicle

to determine the car was undergoing
emissions testing.

Under that circumstance, the engine
would reduce toxic emissions,

but the car was rigged to bypass that
when it was being driven.

Emissions increased 10 to 40 times

above acceptable EPA levels.

10 to 40 times greater
than the EPA allows.

"That is the worst thing
Volkswagen has ever done"

is something you might say
if you'd never heard of World War II.

But maybe the surest sign
of how much trouble Volkswagen is in

is that people at the very top
have stepped down.

The CEO resigned on Wednesday
after scrambling to do damage control,

saying he was
"endlessly sorry",

which sounded great until
it turned out he was only 10% sorry

but had rigged his mouth to
artificially inflate his sorriness.

And meanwhile, Volkswagen's US chief
had an apology of his own.

Let's be clear about this.
Our company was dishonest.

And in my German words,
"we have totally screwed up."

Yeah, but "totally screwed up"
are not German words.

The German language
has many beautiful phrases

to describe situations
just like this, such as...

Which means, roughly, "the sadness
that comes from business-related lies".


Which translates as shaming one's
father, involving clouds of gasoline.

It's a beautiful language.
It just sails off the tongue.

By he way, while that man's apology
may have sounded sincere,

it's worth noting he was speaking
at an official launch party

for the 2016
Volkswagen Passat,

meaning that shortly after saying
sorry, he said this.

Thank you very much for coming.
Up next is Lenny Kravitz !

Ending your apology
with "Up next, Lenny Kravitz,"

does not scream
"sober contrition".

It screams "we asked Bon Jovi
and he said no".

Volkswagen's brand
has been badly damaged,

and frankly, their new ad campaign
is not exactly helping.

Guten Tag. We at Volkswagen
would like to apologize

for deceiving you
with our vehicles,

which is why the 2015 Jetta
now comes fully loaded

with new,
not-at-all-fraudulent features

such as golden brakes,
the ability to feel human emotions

and a stylish interior

made of 100% ravens' beaks
and pterodactyl skin.

Plus, in a brand-new feature,

if you drive a Jetta off the side
of the Golden Gate Bridge,

you will not die.
That's a Volkswagen guarantee.

And if it's speed
you're looking for,

the 2015 Jetta contains a powerful
2.0 liter TDI clean diesel engine

that will suck your dick.

You heard me right.

The Jetta will bring
your engorged genitals

to a shattering climax.

Also, and we really
mean it this time,

the Jetta is very good
for the environment.

And even if it isn't,
remember, it sucks your dick.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
Lenny Kravitz.

Volkswagen. Hitler trusted us.
Why won't you ?

Moving on.

Our main story tonight
concerns Europe.

You know, that thing
Belgium is in.

If you've watched
the news lately,

you surely know
what has been happening there.

Europe's migrant crisis is
getting worse by the day.

A migrant crisis spiraling
out of control.

Hundreds of thousands of asylum
seekers are risking everything.

A human wave washing up
over Europe's southern shores.

Hundreds of thousands of migrants
have streamed into Europe,

the largest influx there
since the end of World War II.

The largest since
the end of World War II,

and remember,
millions of people back then

were searching both
for a better life

and for the booth where it was rumored
you could slap dead Hitler.

And look, the scale of this story
can be hard to get your head around.

Hundreds of thousands of people
are on the move within Europe,

and another four million are being
hosted in Turkey, Lebanon and Jordan.

And when numbers get that high,
they can be hard to comprehend.

It's like when someone tells you
the size of the audience

of "NCIS: New Orleans".

17 million people ?
How's that even possible ?

How many navy-based crimes could
there possibly be in New Orleans ?

This doesn't make any sense !

And when you are dealing
with a mass of people that large,

you really want to be a little careful
with how you describe them.

Unfortunately, David Cameron,

noted alleged
swine-fellatio enthusiast,

recently referred to "a swarm of people
coming across the Mediterranean".

And that language matters,
because a swarm of anything

sounds terrifying,
no matter what it is.

If I hear there are a lot
of kittens coming my way,

I'm going to be delighted.

But if I hear there is a swarm
of kittens approaching,

I'm grabbing a shotgun
and I'm getting to high ground

'cause I'm not going to let those
furry fuckers take me alive.

And here in the US,

some in the media have chosen
to reduce the migrant population

to one simple stereotype.

A new video surfaces online
showing why some are worried

Europe is opening its doors
to potential terrorists.

Terrorists inbound ?

Those are reportedly Muslim refugees
on a train in Europe,

chanting "Allah Akbar,"
or "God is great".

We're not saying that any
of those people are terrorists

or are affiliated
with a terror group,

but it does highlight just how
many of these refugees

who are fleeing violence
in Iraq and Syria are Muslim.

Okay. First,

you can't claim that you're
not calling those people terrorists

when your lower third says,
"Terrorists inbound ?".

If you're really not saying
they're terrorists,

change that
to something more accurate,

like "people take train".

Or "some wear hats,
others less so".

And second,
describing that as a new video

that sheds light on the migrant crisis
is a little misleading,

because in researching this story,
we found a version of that same video

uploaded onto YouTube
back in 2010,

well before this migrant crisis
even began.

And if you are going to use
misleading old footage

to try and make people frightened
of Muslims, why stop there ?

Just go the whole way and use
a clip from "True Lies".

We're not saying that
any of those people are terrorists

or are in any way affiliated
with a terror group,

but it does highlight just how
many of these refugees

who are fleeing violence
in Iraq and Syria are Muslim.

That's only about 10% more racist
than what you did.

So, let's just
take a step back,

because these people are coming
from many different countries

and fleeing everything from civil war
to economic stagnation.

And while each story is unique,
many of them are heartbreaking.

Noujain is 16
and from Kobani in Syria.

Disabled from birth,
she cannot walk.

She made the dangerous crossing
from Turkey last week.

I've been trying many things
for the first time during this journey,

like a train and a ship.

I just enjoyed it.

- You enjoyed it ?
- Yeah.

You're the first person
I've met who said that.

To understand why, you must know
the world she escaped from.

Imagine you're 16
and you're always afraid

to be dead at any minute.

What is your dream ?

I dream to be an astronaut
and find an alien.


I want to meet the queen.

I think that girl absolutely deserves
to meet an alien and the queen,

and also, if she has time,
a real human with feelings.

But unfortunately for Noujain
and so many like her,

Europe has yet to create
an effective system

to process this influx of people.

Every country has a different
application process

and some are totally overwhelmed
and underfunded.

We actually got our hands
on a couple of registration forms

that were given to refugees
upon arrival.

This one was handed
to a Syrian asylum seeker

arriving in Greece
on September the 5th.

It tells him to return
for registration

on December the 21st,

and that could be
a tricky three-month wait,

because he's not allowed
to work in that time.

And yet, that is nothing
compared to this form

given to an Iraqi refugee
in Turkey

telling him to come back
on June 15th of 2017,

which sounds bad
before you notice

the pink sticky note
added at the bottom

clarifying that his actual date will be
February 19th, 2020 !

And that is ridiculous.

These people can't go
five years without working.

They're refugees,
not Renée Zellweger.

And facing that kind of limbo,

it's no wonder refugees want to try
to push deeper into Europe,

and many of them are heading
for one surprising country

that seems to actually want them.

They keep coming, thousands every day,
at the main train station in Munich,

often greeted by applauding locals
or welcoming volunteers.

It's no wonder that Germany
is the preferred destination

for so many refugees.

one of the warmest welcomes

on offer to immigrants
comes from Germany,

a country whose idea
of a bedtime story

is two children being left
to die in the forest

before being nearly cooked and eaten,
and then murdering an old woman.

Sleep well.

Unfortunately, many politicians
in other countries than Germany

have been actively hostile

to anyone even considering
settling within their borders.

No way. You will not make
the Netherlands home.

Please don't come. We can't guarantee
that you will be accepted here.

The Danish government
has published these ads

in a number
of Lebanese newspapers.

The text is obviously
written in Arabic,

and it's telling migrants,
"don't come to Denmark",

highlighting the tough regulations
and constraints that await them there.

Denmark is so adverse to taking
people in, it's basically placing

intentionally-missed-connections ads
in other countries.

"Me, Danish government official,"

"you, person in a Lebanese
refugee camp."

"From the moment I saw you,
I knew there was nothing between us."

Perfect. Send.

But even Denmark's
approach seems friendly

next to the video apparently produced
by the mayor of Asotthalom, Hungary,

showing exactly how he
and his police forces would prevent

migrants from coming to his town.

Hungary is a bad choice.

Asotthalom is the worst.

Okay, a few things there.

First, you can add as much
scary music as you want.

There is nothing imposing
about one van driving alone

on a country road.

The only message that
your sending is

"make sure you wait
for that one van to pass by".

And second of all, Mr. Mayor,
you do realize

that border police and nightclub
bouncers are not the same thing ?

Refugees aren't welcome 'cause they
didn't bring enough hot girls ?

And that mayor is no outlier.

Hungary has been responsible for some
of the ugliest mistreatment of refugees.

Disturbing video appears to show
migrants at the main refugee camp

being fed like a herd of caged
animals in a holding pen.

It's a shocking video

that has garnered attention
from around the world.

As waves of desperate migrants
sprint from a holding camp

in Hungary, a camerawoman appears
to trip a man

running with his child
in his arms.

The woman also kicks other
migrants as they run,

including a young girl.

Now, the camerawoman
is out of a job.

I'm sorry.
She lost her job ?

That's absolutely terrible.

To be fair, she later
apologized, saying

"I'm not a heartless, racist,
children-kicking camerawoman".

Which I can only presume means

she's a loving, accepting,
children-kicking camerawoman,

because the children-kicking part
is not really up for debate anymore.

And even those countries who
are offering to take refugees

are sometimes making those offers
in the most insultingly selective way.

Slovakians are saying that they're only
gonna give asylum to Christians.

They don't want Muslim migrants
coming into the country,

not least because they
haven't got any mosques.

Slovakia, you can't take Muslims in
because you don't have any mosques ?

You do know
you can build those, right ?

Mosques don't naturally
occur in the wild

due to erosion
or particularly devout beavers.

Muslims can live anywhere

that other humans can live.

Muslims are not like dolphins trying
to resettle in Scottsdale, Arizona.

And when refugees are not being
excluded on the basis of religion,

they're being accused
of being lazy freeloaders.

Just listen to one Polish MEP address
the European Parliament.

If we abolished all benefits,

then people who don't want to work
and want to live from benefits

wouldn't come to Poland
and the rest of Europe.

People who want
to work are precious,

however, they are sent back,

and we accept only those
who don't want to work.

It's a ridiculous policy,
leading to invasion of human trash.

Let us be clear. Human trash.

Human garbage that doesn't
want to work.

"Human garbage" ? Those
are some pretty strong words

coming from the Polish Six-Flags guy.

And what he said is not just offensive,
it's also wrong.

Research has shown
that while there is some small cost

in the short term, eventually
"an influx of lower-wage immigrants"

"into a community tends to raise
wages for everyone else".

And a working paper
published last year found that

"immigration benefited local

"in 19 of the 20 industrialized
countries they studied".

Adding immigrants makes things
better 19 times out of 20.

That's a success rate matched only
by bacon and Paul Rudd.

And incidentally,
it's just a little hard

to hear these migrants
and refugees being called lazy

considering how hard many of them
have worked to reach Europe.

You really wanna talk
about lazy migrants ?

I'm a lazy migrant !

I left a country by airplane

and the only things
I was escaping were fog,

public indifference
and an almost certain future

as the Turtle
of Prince Harry's entourage.

I didn't want
to be Royal Turtle !

And the maddening thing here is
Europe doesn't even need to do this

for good reasons.
It can do it for selfish ones.

Because as a continent,
it is in dire need of new citizens.

According to the UN,

the average woman needs
to have 2.1 children

to maintain the population
of a developed country.

But in the European Union,
every single country is below

that 2.1 level.

By 2050, some countries like
Greece, Portugal and Germany

will see their populations drop
by double-digit percentages.

That's true. If Europe doesn't open
its doors to more migrants,

this is not the changing face
of Europe they should be frightened of.

This is !
This one right here !

Not every single asylum seeker is going
to be the perfect economic wellspring.

But instead of worrying about
the hypothetical downside

of letting these migrants in,
countries should be more worried about

the actual downside
of turning them away,

if for no other reason that you might
miss out on someone like Noujain,

who seems like she would improve
any country that would have her.

Just listen to how
she taught herself English.

How did you learn
to speak English ?

At home with my favorite TV show.

- What's that ?
- "Days of Our Lives".

With the Sami and EJ struggle.
Yeah, I love them both.

How can you not want
this girl in your country ?

She loves
"Days of Our Lives" !

She loves "Days of Our Lives,"

and specifically,
she loves EJ and Sami.

In fact, even after
weeks of total hell,

mortal danger
and inhumane treatment,

Noujain's biggest complaint
is that the show killed off EJ,

her favorite character.

She's right to be upset.

EJ and Sami
were magic together.

Yes, you could argue EJ basically
blackmailed Sami into marriage,

then impregnated her,

and then worked for Sami's
archnemesis, Nicole Walker,

who he then also impregnated.

Then he kidnapped Sami's baby
and made her think it was dead,

so Sami shot him in the head.

That's the kind of thing
couples do.

And besides,
they got through all that.

And yes, EJ did then cheat
on Sami before their wedding

with that trollop
Abigail Deveraux,

but he still didn't deserve to die
from yet another gunshot wound.

Even though it was reckless for him
to have a secret meeting

with hillbilly drug lord Clyde Weston
in the middle of the fucking woods !

You idiot, EJ !
How could you die ?

You and Sami were so close
to eternal happiness ! Why, EJ ?

My point is...

My point is Noujain
has been through enough

and any country would
be lucky to have her.

And I know lots of people still have

that migrants will
bankrupt social systems,

which many studies show
does not happen,

fears that migrants might have
an ISIS member lurking among them,

which there has been
no credible example of.

No one is saying this is easy,

but the fact it's so hard
is not a reason to do less,

it's a reason to do more,

from countries expediting
their application process

to properly funding the UN High
Commission for Refugees,

whose fund for responding
to Syrian refugees

is less than half
of where it needs to be,

to simply, and I know
this sounds crazy,

just not kicking them
when they're moving around !

It's a crazy idea !
Just rein your leg in.

And there is
actually one final thing

that we thought we could do,
and it is admittedly very small,

and it is for just one refugee.

But for Noujain, who was
so justifiably saddened

by the death of EJ
from "Days of Our Lives",

we made some calls
and we have a surprise

that is literally just for her.

No... No way. No, it's not...

- It's me.
- It can't be.

You're trouble.

It's you !

How is that possible ? How ?

My sister made sure
that I survived the morgue

and then she flew me to Germany, where
my father's witch doctors saved me.

Physically, I've been alive for months,
but it took me a long time to escape

after my... resurrection.

I just can't imagine
how horrible this was for you.

It was nothing.

Coming back from the dead,
that's not hard.

You know what's hard ?

Getting from Syria
to Germany.

Have you seen what those migrants
are going through ?

It's insane. 1 000 dollars to bribe
your way onto a rubber dinghy

to get across the Mediterranean ?

If you make it to the border of Turkey,
they'll offer you an appointment

five years from now.

If you're lucky, you get to navigate
a barrage of bigotry and hatred

from some asshole mayors
in Hungary.

It's horrible.
Someone tripping a child ?

If someone did that to my child...

- You'd slap 'em twice.
- Yeah.

There are some amazing people
coming through that border.

I read about this incredible 16-year-old
girl called Noujain Mustaffa.

- Noujain Mustaffa ?
- Yes, Noujain Mustaffa.

- She's our kind of people ?
- She's our kind of people.

Maybe you'll get
to meet her one day.

But right now, you are
not going anywhere, mister.

If we can raise
EJ DiMera from the dead,

surely anything is possible.

That's our show.
Our thanks to EJ and Sami.

See you next week.
Good night !


Season II,
Episode 28