Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 24 - Sex Ed - full transcript

LAST WEEK TONIGHT
WITH JOHN OLIVER

Season II,
Episode 24

Welcome to "Last Week Tonight" !

I'm John Oliver. It's time
for a quick recap of the week.

We begin with US politics.

And for much of the week,
everyone was waiting for this.

Tonight, the first debate with
the top 10 candidates in the polls:

five governors, three senators,
a neurosurgeon

and a real estate developer.

That is either an overpacked stage

or the worst season ever
of "Dancing with the Stars".



And I am very much including
the season

when David Hasselhoff ejaculated
a cha-cha-cha.

But let's not kid ourselves here.

This debate was only ever going to be
about one person.

And from the very first question,

he was the focus
of everyone's attention.

Is there anyone on stage...
If so, raise your hand.

...who is unwilling tonight
to pledge your support

to the eventual nominee
of the Republican party

and pledge to not run an independent
campaign against that person ?

Mr. Trump.

Why is that audience acting surprised ?

That couldn't have been more
of a setup for Trump

if the prompt had been: "Raise
your hand if your dad left you"



"millions of dollars
instead of hugging you."

The entire debate was basically
a two-hour circus sideshow

with an old piece of luggage covered
in Cheez Whiz at its center.

And the whole thing
will be quickly forgotten.

The main headlines the next day
were nothing to do

with the battle between
the candidates,

but between Donald Trump
and moderator Megyn Kelly,

which culminated in this.

She starts asking me
all sorts of ridiculous questions.

You could see there was blood
coming out of her eyes,

blood coming out of her wherever.

Her "wherever" ?

You can only imagine how talented
a lover Donald Trump must be.

"I'm just gonna put my thingamajig
in your wherever"

"and I'm gonna waggle it around."

If you want to hear more
on the Trump-Kelly showdown,

you can basically watch
any news network right now,

'cause it's all they're
talking about.

But we are going to move on,
and I'll tell you why.

This whole debacle
was meaningless.

The 2016 election
will not depend on this,

because it's 457 days away.

There will be actual babies born
on election day 2016

whose parents
haven't even met yet.

So, everyone pace yourselves
and let's move on to India.

The last time a British person
said that,

we didn't leave for about 200 years.

India had some dramatic
technological news this week.

This man is outraged
after the government in India banned

hundreds of adult websites.

It's my life.
What I do inside my room,

the government can't influence it
whatsoever.

The order came over the weekend from
the telecommunications department.

It's true. The Indian government
banned 857 URLs,

most of them porn sites,
including, and these are real:

If you're a fan
of one of those sites,

it was probably an emotionally
turbulent day for you.

I'm guessing every day is
an emotionally turbulent day.

Now, according
to the Indian government,

the aim was partly "to prevent
pornography from becoming"

"a social nuisance".

But the decision set off
a fiery public debate.

How am I, in the confines
of my home,

without hurting a third person
or influencing a third person,

causing disruption to public order ?

You might get corrupted
and then become a sex maniac.

A sex maniac ?
That's weirdly prudish,

because India is not famously
repressed about sex.

Remember, this is the nation
that brought us the "Kama Sutra",

a sort of mix between sex,
yoga and a skiing accident.

The ban was actually
lifted just two days later,

but the Indian government should not
feel bad about giving in,

because if their aim was to tamp down
their citizens' libidos,

there is no better way
than by allowing full access

to the web sites they banned,
such as, and these are real:

India...

If you want your population
to look at less pornography,

don't just unblock these sites,
make them mandatory,

because, believe me,
after looking at them,

I never want to have sex again.

And finally we turn to Whole Foods,

gentrification in edible form.

Now, this week,
Whole Foods found itself

in something of an all-natural,
handpicked, locally grown pickle.

Those are stalks of asparagus
soaking in a jar of water

for sale at a Whole Foods store
in Los Angeles for 6 dollars.

Okay, first, nobody should be buying
premade asparagus water

when you make it yourself
every time you eat asparagus.

And second, 6 dollars ?

Water is free and a pound of asparagus
from Whole Foods costs 5 dollars.

Their customers
were not happy about this,

but the store insisted
it was just an honest mistake.

Whole Foods now says the drink
was supposed to be water infused

with the essence of vegetables,
like asparagus,

but was made incorrectly
and it's been removed.

Yeah, that doesn't sound
any less terrible.

"We won't just sell you asparagus
stalks in a jar of water."

"We take the asparagus out first
and then sell you the jar of water."

"That way, we can call the leftover
wet asparagus"

"'artisanally moistened' and sell it
for three times the price."

It's an apology that rings
somewhat hollow,

coming from a chain that is fighting
the accusation

it routinely overcharges
its New York City customers

and whose products are often
as bizarre as they are expensive,

from egg white chips

to a jar of speciality honey
that costs 79,99 dollars.

You know who
I feel sorry for there ?

Any bear caught rampaging
through the store.

"What do you mean,
I owe 480 dollars ?"

"I had six jars ! What the fuck
are you talking about ?"

If Whole Foods really wants
to make this up to their customers,

they're gonna need
something like this.

Hi ! We at Whole Foods Market
would like to apologize

for our regrettable
6 dollar asparagus water.

We take our food seriously,
so we'd like to remind you

of the other high-quality,
non-ridiculous products

available at Whole Foods,

products like two baby carrots
tied together with artisanal twine.

Nobody's ever done that to carrots
before, so it's 35,99 dollars.

Or try a refreshing
probiotic avocado ice.

It's a block of ice with
an avocado balanced on top of it.

25,99 dollars.

Or how about trying
a bucket of water

collected from the back
of a cow that got rained on.

That's less than 60 dollars.

Or you know what ? Fuck it.
It's more than 60 dollars.

If you come in today, you can sample
our new in-season arrivals,

like a single pomegranate
that listened to NPR this morning,

an old satchel full
of loose yogurt and yams

or a bunch of granola that's been
blown back and forth between two fans.

Because you'll buy
anything that seems healthy

or meets some nebulous
definition of "good",

how about a tilapia
wearing yoga pants ?

Or a parsnip
that donated to Kony 2012 ?

Or some gay grapes ?

So, forget that stupid
asparagus water,

and please come down
to Whole Foods.

Whole Foods, an elaborate
practical joke

that got really out of hand.

Moving on.
Our main story tonight

concerns sex education,

the conversation that animals
in zoos refuse to let you not have.

With some kids going
back to school next week,

it's guaranteed that, at some point
over the next school year,

you'll hear stories like this.

Local parents are outraged tonight

over the pictures that their children
saw in sex ed class.

Some parents say
that the material,

which includes descriptions
of sex acts and infections,

is simply too graphic
for middle-schoolers.

A father is upset
after his 13-year-old showed him

a poster hanging
on a classroom door,

a poster listing sex acts.

Parental anger over sex ed

is as much a staple of the school year
as square pizza

and one kid coming back
from vacation with a mustache

he's way too proud of.

That's a ghost mustache, Lewis.

It looks like a real mustache
died on your face.

So we tried this week to find out

what sex ed looks like
in America right now.

But that turns out to be a surprisingly
difficult question to answer.

In the past,
depending on how old you are,

sex education may have been little
more than watching films like this.

Every so often,
I get a strong sex urge

and the only way I can take care of it
is to masturbate.

I'm pleased
that you can tell me about this.

Perhaps it's because we know
each other for so long.

My name is Johnny Stanton.

For me, it all started when I went
bowling with Judy today.

I should've known something was
different as soon as she got a strike.

She's usually
such a rotten bowler.

So, what's so different about you ?

- I got my first period today.
- So, what's the big deal ?

It means that blood is flowing out
of my uterus.

What ? Okay...

First, that is some
incredible misinformation.

Menstrual blood is not some sort
of uterine HGH

that makes you
amazing at bowling.

And second,
and this is true,

the young man in that video
is Jonathan Banks,

Mike from "Breaking Bad".

And if that video
does not provide

the basis for the prequel
to "Better Call Saul",

I'm going to be extremely disappointed.

Teaching sex ed in schools
is really important for obvious reasons.

No parent wants to talk
to his kids about sex

and no kid wants to talk
about sex with his parents.

That is why, when you're watching
a sex scene in a movie,

everyone becomes motionless

and silently begs
for the merciful release of death.

And kids have good questions
that need good answers.

The Times recently ran an article
with a slideshow of questions

kids wrote on cards
to a sex educator, including:

"Why is the boy's penis
shaped like an arrow ?",

"Is it okay to be gay ?",

"How long do I have to wait
to have sex ? I'm excited."

To which, the answers are:

"It's engorged with blood",
"yes",

and "can you at least wait
until the end of class ?".

But perhaps the most poignant
question was:

"Will this go well for me ?"

Because, after looking into
sex ed programs this week,

the answer depends quite a bit
on where you live.

There is no required standard
for sex ed in this country.

In fact, only 22 states mandate
that kids receive it,

and only 13 require that
the information presented

be medically accurate,
which is crazy.

You wouldn't accept a history class
not being historically accurate.

Prince started the American
Revolution in 1984

and his Purple Reign lasts until
the present day. Class dismissed.

We essentially have
a weird patchwork system

that varies wildly, and not
just from state to state,

but from district to district,
and even from school to school.

In fact, one Ohio newscast
tried to find out

what kids in their area were learning
and hit a brick wall.

The state has no sex ed guidelines,

so each district decides
what's best for whatever kid.

Many school districts
don't want to talk about it at all.

UC students polled
every school district

in four southwest
Ohio counties.

The majority wouldn't tell us what they
teach and when they teach it,

even though all of this is supposed
to be public information.

And that's really not good.

Two teenagers shouldn't have
completely different levels of sex ed

just because they're
in different school districts.

Tonight's football game is
between Lakewood High

and Middletown High.

Not only are they bitter rivals,

one of those teams has
no idea what a diaphragm is !

Let's play ball !

But while it is hard to find out
what kids are learning,

in some cases, it is possible
to find out what they are not learning.

For instance, in Mississippi,
while you can talk about contraceptives,

the law prohibits condom
demonstrations in class.

That means no condom
on a banana,

no condom on a cucumber,
no condom on a zucchini.

And that's terrible, partly because
it's fun putting condoms on produce.

But mainly because Mississippi
ranked number two in the country

in teen pregnancy rates.

Now, thankfully,
this situation has inspired

some creative alternatives.

Watch this former teacher describe
how to use a condom

without directly
using a condom.

I start with a sock.

I'm gonna pinch out the air
out of the tip of the sock

cause I wanna make sure
that there's room for my toes

when I'm engaging
in shoe activity.

Then I take the sock
and put it on top of my foot.

You wanna take your sock

and you wanna roll it
all the way down your foot.

And then you can put it
inside your shoe.

That is very clever.

Although, it's not perfect.

If you can't get a sock
out of the packaging,

you don't lose your foot for a minute

and need to think of Rihanna
to get it back.

It's back.

But Mississippi's restrictions
are just the beginning here.

In eight states, there are laws
considerably limiting

what teachers can say about
homosexuality to their students,

meaning the answer
to that kid's question,

"is it okay to be gay ?",
could be a shrug or a lot worse.

And Utah's law prohibits
any instruction

in the intricacies of intercourse

for reasons that one
state legislator explained.

Those are the things we do not want
to be taught in our schools.

Those are things that should
be taught in your home.

Wait. "Taught in your home" ?

Here is an exchange
that has never happened.

"How are you so good at sex ?"

"I was home-schooled."

And in certain districts
around the country,

the only sex ed you might
receive is abstinence-only,

which you may think of
as a relic of the past,

but it is still very much around.

Congress increased federal funding
for abstinence-only education

from about 50 to 75 million dollars
per year.

And at least part of that money
gets matched by the states,

which means that students
are still being exposed

to abstinence-centered programs,
but with names like WAIT,

which stands
for "Why Am I Tempted ?",

Go APE, or "Abstinence
Protects Everyone",

and "No Screwin' Around,"
which I presume stands for

"No One Should Copulate
Regularly Except Wedded Individuals."

"Now, A Reach-around Occasionally
Ultimately Not Disastrous."

Here is a taste of a video
from that last program.

If you have sex,

outside of one permanent
monogamous...

And monogamy does not mean
one at a time.

It means one partner
who has only been with you.

You have sex outside of that context,
and you will pay.

Boys, if there's a girl
throwing herself at you,

if she's the one
pressuring you for sex,

if this is a girl that's dressing
in a slutty manner,

I got a little word
of advice for you.

Run from this girl. Run !

I did not say walk away slowly.
I said run from her !

Don't even bother running, boys,
just cut your dicks off.

Girls are snake charmers
and it's time to murder your snakes.

Do it !

Abstinence is a healthy choice
that many teens will make,

either by choice, or, as I can attest,
by circumstance.

But that's not the point.

It should not be
the only thing you teach,

and not just because many studies
question its efficacy.

The fact is,
according to the CDC,

most Americans have more than one
sexual partner in their lifetime,

and the average age at which people
begin having sex is around 17.

So, just saying "don't do it"
is not practical.

And even when
they do teach sex ed,

schools can teach it
with a strong bias.

We found a company
which offers schools

two versions of the same video
on contraception.

Version "B" is labeled
as being nonjudgmental.

Take a look.

Look, no one ever said
being a teenager is easy.

You have to face a lot
of important decisions.

But no decision is
probably more important

than the one you'll make about
becoming sexually active.

Some of you may already
be sexually active.

But still, a lot of you
are not having sex yet.

You could be waiting for marriage,
the right person

or maybe you're just not ready
to take on

this very serious responsibility
right now.

Cool.

Folks, those 30-year-old actors

dressed like teenagers from the '90s
make some very good points.

However, version "A",
which is non-nonjudgmental,

goes in a slightly different direction.
See if you can spot it.

No one ever said
being a teenager is easy.

You have to face a lot
of important decisions.

But no decision is more important

than the one you'll make about
becoming sexually active.

As a teenager, you're expected
to wait until you're married

before you become sexually active.

Until then, abstinence
is the only option that's acceptable

to your family, your school
and your community.

Hold on.

Why did they even keep the first part
about it being a decision at all ?

They should've said
"no decision is more nonexistent"

"than the one you don't
get to make about sex."

"Also, God is
watching you masturbate"

"and the fluids coming out of your
genitals are actually His tears."

"You're making Him sad."

But the very fact two videos
with the same title

but very different messages exist
shows just how hard it can be

to find out what's going on
with sex ed where you live.

And this is not even accounting
for guest speakers

that schools can bring in
to augment their program.

Remember this woman ?

That's Pam Stenzel.
Her web site claims

she speaks to half a million
young people each year,

presumably like this.

Here's the line over
which you can't step.

Absolutely no genital contact
of any kind.

That's hand to genital,

mouth to genital,
genital to genital.

Oral sex, which is
mouth to genital, is sex !

And if you have ever
stepped over this line,

you've risked disease,
and you need to get tested

and don't you dare tell anyone
you're a virgin !

Why are you trying to yell
the horniness out of teenagers ?

Programs like hers are
so relentlessly anti-sex,

you could easily come away
thinking the adult world

is just an endless barrage
of unwanted dicks,

which, incidentally,
was the original slogan for Tinder.

But the problem is...

The problem is,
Stenzel is not alone.

Shelly Donahue currently speaks
at schools around the country.

She shows the dangers
of more than one sexual partner

by describing women
as a piece of tape

and then sticking the tape
to the arms of multiple boys

until this happens.

How many partners do we have
before we get married on average ?

Six, yeah.

Can you imagine what's going
to start to happen to the tape ?

It's going to lose
its bonding power.

Her point is, the tape is used so much,
it becomes damaged,

which doesn't even consider
the possibility

that the tape might be perfectly happy

or that maybe some guys like tape
that already knows how to stick

when they meet them.

But this idea that sex is something
which devalues those who've had it,

particularly women,
crops up again and again.

Non-virgins can be likened
to a used toothbrush

or a chewed-up
piece of gum.

And then, there is this video

in which a non-virgin on her wedding
night is compared to a dirty shoe.

Michelle, what are these ?

My sneakers.

Michelle, what is this ?

It looks like the entire football team
has been in these things.

I made 'em all wear socks.

Socks ? But, you know,
socks don't protect my heart.

You can still get
foot fungus with socks.

I wish I could go back in time

and make a commitment
to be abstinent until marriage.

That is heartbreaking,

and not just because
he's shaming his wife,

but because "Michelle,
socks don't protect my heart"

might be the funniest line
ever delivered on this show

and we didn't write it.

And that kind of message
can be hugely damaging

to anyone who hears it,

especially survivors
of sexual assault,

like Elizabeth Smart,

who was kidnapped and assaulted
at the age of 14.

And you may recognize
one of the metaphors

she remembers
one of her teachers using.

She said: "Imagine you're
a stick of gum."

"When you engage in sex,
that's like getting chewed."

"If you do that lots of times, you're
gonna become an old piece of gum,"

"and who's going to want you
after that ?"

That's terrible

and nobody should ever say that.

I thought, "Oh, my gosh,
I'm that chewed-up piece of gum !"

Learning nothing would've been
better than learning that.

It's not a great reflection
on her teacher

that kids who were sick that day got
a better education than she did.

And the sad thing is, sex ed, when
done well, can do so much good.

But when it's done badly,
it can do real harm.

Take consent. A recent survey found
college students were confused

about certain aspects of it.

When asked whether another
person undressing, getting a condom

or nodding established consent

for more sexual activity,
at least 40% said yes

and at least 40% said no.

And that ambiguity is a problem,
because sex is like boxing.

If both people didn't fully agree
to participate,

one of them is
committing a crime.

And abstinence-heavy
messages do not help this.

They spend so much time
on the importance of saying no,

they can leave out what informed
consent looks like,

or, even worse, suggest that it's all
one party's responsibility,

like in this video from a program
called "Sex Smart"

about fending off
unwanted advances.

Maybe we should have sex
to prove our love for each other.

Do you think we're ready ?

Yeah, I'm ready.

That didn't work.

No.

Does that mean no or yes ?

One more try. This time,
say it like you mean it.

No way.

Finally !

Maybe we should
just get to the concert.

Wait. They were already late
for a concert,

but he felt there was
still time to have sex ?

That is a teenage boy with a very
accurate sense of his abilities.

But much more
to the point here,

it's good that that girl knew
she has the power to say no.

But nowhere
do they point out

that guy should have been
a lot better at hearing it.

And it is weird to gloss over
something so appalling.

It's like that moment in "Grease"
when Kenickie sang

"Tell me more, tell me more.
Did she put up a fight ?"

That's the point they should've
stopped the song and gone:

"What the fuck
did you just say ?"

"What is wrong with you, Kenickie ?"

"You're a monster !"

"And you look 40 !"

When kids graduate high school
without a full understanding of consent,

you are abetting
an already troubling culture

where a bunch of frat guys
can march around Yale

feeling completely comfortable
yelling out this.

No means yes,
yes means anal !

Yale's acceptance
rate is 6.3%,

so who the fuck are
they turning down ?

I would hate to hear their chants.

That is not an isolated incident.

Last year, fraternities
at both Texas Tech and LSU

were caught using
the same slogan.

It's something you hear
on college campuses

as often as "I'm thinking
of switching majors"

or "why is James Franco here ?".

And here is the thing.

There is no way we'd allow
any other academic program

to consistently fail to prepare
students for life after school.

And human sexuality,
unlike calculus,

is something you actually
need to know about

for the rest of your life.

And maybe you live somewhere
that has good sex ed,

in which case,
congratulations.

But if you don't,
this video is for you.

Abstinence and/or Sex First:
Teen Birth Control Decisions

Look, no one ever said
being a teenager is easy.

You face a lot
of important decisions.

But no decision is
probably more important...

Than the one you'll make about
becoming sexually active.

And if you do, there's a few things
you should definitely know.

ANATOMY

This is a penis.

This is a vagina.

This is a mouth.

- This is a hand.
- And this is a butt.

You can mix as many of these
as you feel comfortable with.

Hand and mouth would
be weird, but you could.

This is the clitoris.

And these are the testicles.

They make sperm.
That's pretty much it.

ABSTINENCE

If you want to be abstinent, fine.

If you don't want to be abstinent,
that's also fine.

Abstinence is like
being a vegetarian.

People should
respect your choice.

Some people might
make fun of you.

Those people are assholes.

Contraception and STDS

The best safeguard
against STDs is protection.

Unless you already
have an STD,

in which case you're gonna need
medicine or some shit.

Fun fact !

The ancient Egyptians put crocodile
dung mixed with honey

inside a vagina
to prevent pregnancy.

They're all dead now.

Here's how you put
a condom on a banana.

Well, this is a lot less curvy
than I'm used to.

This is an IUD.

An IUD goes inside a woman's body
and prevents pregnancy.

They can stay inside you
for up to 10 years.

Which is a lot, considering
most guys in high school

can only stay inside you
for a minute or two, tops. Am I right ?

Here's a bunch of other forms
of birth control. Google them !

Consent

This is actually simple.

If someone doesn't want
to have sex with you,

don't have sex with them.

If you think you might be able to
persuade someone to have sex,

even though they don't want to,
don't.

If you're not sure if someone wants
to have sex with you, ask.

Even if you're
kind of sure, still ask.

If someone is pretty drunk, they might
not be able to give consent.

And remember,
you can always say no.

Even halfway through,
you can say no.

If someone wants you to do a sex
thing you're not ok with,

you can refuse.

Say: "I don't care if it's
your birthday."

"I don't want you to put
your finger in my butt !"

Real quick,
a couple of final things.

"Most people will get HPV"
is both technically true...

And what you tend to hear right
before someone gives you HPV.

If you call it a "hooha",
you are not ready for sex.

Lube is your friend, believe me.

If you get a chance
to have sex with this man,

go for it.

The best safeword
is "hootenanny".

A woman who's had sex
is not like a dirty shoe.

A woman who's had sex is
a like a shoe with laces.

Completely fucking normal.

And finally,
and this is important,

if anyone ever tells you
that getting your period

makes you better at bowling,
they're a fucking idiot.

GOOD LUCK !

That's our show.
Thank you for watching.

We'll see you next week !

The best safeword
is "apples".

"Spinach quiche."

"Beef carpaccio."

"Supercalifragilistic-
expiali-no-cious."

LAST WEEK TONIGHT
WITH JOHN OLIVER

Season II,
Episode 24