Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 23 - District of Columbia - full transcript

LAST WEEK TONIGHT
with John Oliver

EPISODE 23

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to Last Week Tonight !

I'm John Oliver. Thank you so much
for joining us.

Just time for a quick recap
of this week,

and we begin in Afghanistan.

It's the just the tip
of international conflicts.

We jumped in too fast,

went in further
than we originally intended,

and now we're pulling out
way more slowly

than we said we would.



Peace talks were supposed
to take place this week

between the Taliban
and the Afghan government,

but, on Wednesday,
there was a big development.

Breaking news out of Afghanistan, right
now. The government there says

that Taliban leader
Mullah Mohammed Omar is dead.

Okay. Well, that's...

that's probably going
to affect those talks then.

The Taliban has lost its key figure,
and that's going to be difficult.

It's not unlike when "Two
and a Half Men" lost Charlie Sheen.

Yes, yes,
the guy was a nightmare,

but he was undeniably the figurehead
of the whole terrible enterprise.

Now, the US knew surprisingly little
about Mullah Omar.

In fact, this was the government's
wanted poster,

featuring vivid descriptions like
Hair: Black,



Nationality: Afghan,
and Height: Tall,

which is pretty nonspecific.

If you're a basketball player,
tall is seven feet.

but if you're writing
your own profile on OkCupid,

it can mean 5 foot 6.

There's...
There's a discrepancy there.

It had actually been a while since
we had seen Mullah Omar,

although, as we found out
later this week,

there was actually a pretty
good explanation for that.

Afghan officials said today,
Mullah Omar died of hepatitis in 2013,

but his death was kept secret by the
Taliban for more than two years.

Yeah, it turns out
he's been dead for two years,

and the Taliban simply
hadn't mentioned it.

I don't know why.Maybe they were trying
to break it to their members gently.

Oh, Mullah Omar ?
He's fine.

He's living
on a farm upstate

where he can run and play with
all the other Taliban leaders

that you haven't seen
for a while.

He's so happy.
You'll see him soon.

This actually put the Taliban, though,
in something of an awkward position,

because they were still
releasing statements from him

as recently
as two weeks ago.

They've essentially been full-on
Weekend at Bernie's-ing him

for the last two years.

In fact, so much so,

that, in April, they even
published his biography,

saying, among other things,
that he...

"does not own a home and has
no foreign bank accounts"

and "Mullah Omar is tranquil
and does not lose his temper"...

...which, I guess,
was technically true.

Although, it would also have been fair
to say he's on a disciplined diet

and has been spending
a lot of time in his garden.

But the point is,

by the end of the week,

the game was clearly up and the
Taliban announced a new leader,

although details seemed
a little light.

The new leader is Mullah
Akhtar Mohammad Mansour.

He has been the Taliban's
second in command

and deputy leader since 2010.
He was formerly the militant group's

minister of civil aviation
and transportation.

Wait, wait.

They went with the former
transportation minister ?

That would be like
if President Obama's successor

were our current transportation
secretary, Evelyn Sargent.

By the way, that's a stock photo
of a woman we found online,

and Evelyn Sargent is
a made-up name.

The point is, you don't know who
the secretary of transportation is.

Nobody does, because they're
not supposed to be in line

for the top job
in any organization !

Also, I have to say that's
not a lot of information to go on.

Even the photo
of him is blurry.

So, frankly,
I dread to think

what the new government profile
on him is going to look like.

Hair: Black. Height: Yes.
Face: Probably.

Ears: Between 0 and 2.

So, let's move on to some good
news out of Chechnya...

a sentence uttered
almost as infrequently

as, Man, I hope I get seated
next to a baby.

Chechnya delivered
a very unusual victory

in the war on terror
this week.

Three young Chechen women
have apparently had

more success battling ISIL
than some fighting forces.

They swindled ISIL fighters
out of thousands of dollars.

The trio made the fighters think
they would be their brides.

The plot went like this:

The girls would meet
ISIL recruiters online,

but tell them they had no money
to travel from Chechnya to Syria.

That's when ISIL would offer
to send them the funds.

Holy shit,
they catfished ISIS !

They catfished ISIS !

And it just goes to show...
forget the CIA...

there are no more intimidating
PSYOPS masterminds

in the world of warfare
than scheming teenage girls.

They will take you down !
They are mean !

The girls actually took in over 3000$,
before they got caught,

and the details are fantastic.

He tried to pull me in,
asking if I wanted

to come to Syria
and that I'd like it.

I said I had no money,
and he said he'd help.

The girls received the money,
but never traveled to Syria.

Instead, they blocked
the ISIL fighter

they were communicating with
and moved on to the next target.

Oh ! They just blocked him.

That is cold.

They didn't even send
one last message saying,

"Really busy, can't get into a thing
right now, but you are great.

It was fun talking to you !!"

They humiliated him so badly,

I can't believe I'm actually feeling
sorry for someone in ISIS.

So, afterwards, what's gonna happen
to these three Chechen girls ?

Are we talking a parade in their honor,
statues with pixelated faces ?

What's it gonna be ?

It's unclear, though,
whether they will receive

any punishment for the scam.

Punishment ?

You can't punish these girls.

Scamming ISIS is the best thing
anyone did on Earth this week.

It's basically
the exact opposite

of shooting a lion
with a bow and arrow.

These three girls are
the anti-dentist !

They must be celebrated !
We must honor them !

So, finally...
finally, this week,

the United Kingdom...
America's before photo.

Britain...
Britain found itself

in a Parliamentary
scandal this week

after The Sun newspaper
released a bombshell video.

The British lawmaker
has quit Parliament

in the wake of a drug
and prostitution scandal.

Lord Sewel is facing
a criminal investigation

after a video came out
this weekend

purportedly showing him
taking drugs with prostitutes.

That's him, snorting
what looks like cocaine

with a couple of prostitutes.

Lounging in the prostitute's bra,
the 69-year-old married father

brags about having more
than a dozen marital affairs.

Okay, okay, okay,

there's obviously
a lot to unpack there...

the cocaine,
the prostitutes,

the orange bra,
which somehow seems to be

a perfect fit for
a 69-year-old married father.

I'm not saying what he did was right.
I'm saying he knows his own body,

good for him.

Now... Now, Lord Sewel...

seen here dressed as Jeffrey Dahmer,
dressed as Santa Claus...

was forced to resign

as deputy speaker
of the House of Lords

after The Sun's video was released.
And it wasn't just what he was doing

in the video that was controversial.
It's what he was saying.

We could but do with
some nice little young Asian lady

I would have thouht tonight,
but never mind.

They sort of look innocent
but you know they are whores.

Okay, okay, okay.

Ignoring the obvious racism
and sexism for a moment,

I'll say this
for Lord Sewel...

We could have done with a nice
Asian lady, but never mind,

is an incredibly polite way

of registering a complaint
at a coke-fueled orgy.

The guy has manners,

but, as we learned
elsewhere in the footage,

Lord Sewel is nothing
if not spectacularly polite.

So you want to get some coke ?
Well, I mean...

- If people would enjoy a little.
- Yeah.

No one enjoys
cocaine a little.

Cocaine is like ISIS
or Insane Clown Posse.

It's not for everyone,
but the people who like it

like it to
a life-destroying extent.

Call your parents, Sean. They don't
know what's happening to you.

And look, look, we don't
have time, I'm afraid,

to get into every aspect
of this video,

such as the fact that Sewel snorted
cocaine through a 5 pound note,

meaning the cocaine had
to traverse the queen's face

en route to his nose,

or that he reportedly...

insisted on turning a framed photo
of his wife face-down on a table

...before snorting cocaine
off the prostitute's...

and I'm quoting
the tabloids here... "boobs".

And it's a good thing he did,

otherwise, he would've
heard his wife's nagging voice

in his head the whole time. "You're
spilling cocaine everywhere, dear.

There's an extra bit
you missed on the boob.

Waste not, want not."

Now, until he resigned,

there was one more
glorious tidbit.

The Telegraph reports
that he could become

the first peer to be expelled
from the House

under new rules that
he helped put in place.

He wrote the rules !

The only way this could be
any more ironic

is if he wrote them on the back
of a picture of his wife,

which he then rolled up to snort
cocaine off a prostitute's boob.

It's just so great !

Now, let me give you some quick
context on the House of Lords itself,

because it's perhaps
even stupider than this story.

It consists of nearly
800 members,

almost all of whom got lifetime
appointments from prime ministers,

who meet to review laws
passed by the House of Commons

in a room so gaudy,
it looks like the tomb

Liberace's dog was buried in.

These are, by definition,
a privileged group,

as you can tell
from their ridiculous titles,

such as...
and these are all real...

the Lord Ponsonby
of Shulbrede

and Baron Soulsby
of Swaffham Prior.

And yet, they can
claim a daily allowance

for attendance and travel
from the taxpayer,

something that sticks
in your throat a bit.

In fact,
one of Lord Sewel's guests

actually asked him
about this in the video.

200 a day ?

200 a day to buy lunch ?

It is not lunch, lovie darling.
It is paying for this.

This guy is incredible !

Oh, don't worry,
lovie darling.

I'm not wasting
that money on lunch.

I'm wasting it on cocaine,
and, as I said before,

insufficiently Asian whores.

And look... the point...
this is just the latest

in a long line of scandals
involving the House of Lords,

and yet significant reform still
doesn't seem to be on the cards,

which is crazy.

Britain spends a lot of money
on the House of Lords

and gets
virtually nothing back.

And frankly, maybe they should take
a lesson from America here,

because when this country
subsidizes the lifestyle

of a horny,
casually racist asshole,

at least we all get four
"Lethal Weapon" movies out of it.

And now this.

And now...

Ten actual titles of current members
of the British House of Lords

paired with photos of pets who look
like they would have that name

The Lord Wrigglesworth,

The Lord Phillips
of Worth Matravers,

The Baroness Young
of Old Scone,

The Lord Hennessy
of Nympsfield,

The Baroness Farrington
of Ribbleton,

The Lord Marlesford,

The Baroness Kinnock
of Holyhead,

The Lord Griffiths
of Fforestfach,

The Baroness Liddell
of Coatdyke,

and The Lord Baker
of Dorking.

Moving on.
Moving on.

Our main story tonight
concerns America...

land of the free, home of the brave,
inventor of Chinese food.

Now, as you know, America
is made up of 50 states.

As a child, you may have been forced
to learn to sing them in order.

Alabama and Alaska

Arizona, Arkansas

California, Colorado

Connecticut and more

Kansas, Kentucky,
Louisiana, Maine

Maryland, Massachusetts,
and good old Michigan

Texas, and there's Utah,
Vermont, I'm almost through

Virginia, and there's Washington
And West Virginia, too

Could Wisconsin be
the last one or is it ?

No, Wyoming is the last one
in the states that rhyme

That is impressive, especially
because that is a difficult song.

The British version is a little
simpler. It goes like this.

England, Scotland,
Northern Ireland

Wales, and now
this song is done

And that's it. That's it.

To be fair, I will say

the song used
to be a lot longer.

But... But, of course,

50 states does not quite tell
the whole American story.

You might remember,
earlier this year,

we talked about US territories
like Puerto Rico and Guam,

but there is one other
US population

which suffers a lack
of representation in DC,

and that's DC itself.

If you've ever visited,
you've probably noticed

their license plates say Taxation
without representation.

And that's for
a pretty good reason.

Washington, DC, isn't like
your typical city in America.

Congress has the final say
over its budget and laws,

and DC does not have full
representation on the Hill.

The Chinese pandas
at the National Zoo

have as much right to
representation in the US Congress

as any resident
in the District of Columbia.

Okay, okay, but to be fair,
that is probably for the best.

We don't need
those pandas participating

in representative democracy.

We need them fucking,

and we need them
to fuck a lot,

so don't get squeamish
about this.

They're endangered.

The voting rights of Mei Xiang
and Tian Tian can wait.

Right now,
it's fuck o'clock,

you weird, biochromatic
raccoons on steroids.

Take a trip
to pound town, pronto.

But look,
you can understand

why many people
in DC are angry.

'Cause think about it. They pay
federal taxes, and fight in wars,

and yet, have no member of Congress
who is able to vote on their behalf,

even though their population is
larger than Vermont and Wyoming,

and their Gross Domestic Product
is higher than that of 16 states.

And if you're thinking,
Well, isn't this just how

countries treat their capitol cities ?
It actually isn't.

We're the only democracy
in the world that does this.

In fact, when the Dalai Lama
came to visit...

he wondered why a "small pocket"
of people living

in the world's champion
of democracy lacked full voting rights

...calling it...
"Quite strange, quite strange".

And it is not good
when a guy from Tibet says,

Wow. This situation
is really undemocratic.

Someone should do
something about it.

Does Richard Gere know about this ?
Someone should tell him.

Now, to be fair, DC does have
a member of Congress,

Eleanor Holmes Norton,

but there are some
strict limits on her powers.

I vote in committee,

but I cannot do that

which every American
would believe

is emblematic
of citizenship.

And that is vote
on the House floor...

vote on whether your taxes
go up or go down.

Vote on whether
you go to war or not.

Can't do that.

So, she basically
has pretend power,

like a child watching
Dora the Explorer.

Oh, yeah. Dora took her map
out of her backpack

because you told her to.

Just keep believing that,
you tiny idiot.

Just grow up.

And for more than two decades,

she's introduced
bill after bill

to grant DC either statehood
or a vote in Congress.

And, by the way, you do not want to
interrupt her while she's arguing for it

Someone tried
eight years ago,

and it did not work out
too well for them.

- Will the gentlewoman yield ?
- I will not yield, sir !

The District of Columbia
has spent 260 years yielding

to people who would
deny them the vote !

I yield you no ground !

Not during my time !

You have had your say,

and your say has been

that you think that the people
who live in your capitol

are not entitled to a vote
in their house !

Shame on you !

Yeah !

That is fantastic.

It's like Mr. Smith
Goes to Washington,

except she was already in Washington
and doesn't have the power

to do anything.

At this point,
it might be helpful

to just take a moment and explain
how DC got into this mess.

Back in the late 1700s, there was
no permanent US capitol,

it was just
wherever Congress met,

meaning it was
in eight different cities.

But after Congress was mobbed
by veterans demanding back pay

in the Pennsylvania
Mutiny of 1793,

they decided they needed an enclave
under their own control.

So, they added a clause
to the Constitution,

which said that Congress
shall have the power

to exercise exclusive legislation
in all cases whatsoever

over a federal district,

which is pretty
significant power.

As far as documents
demanding control go,

it's right up there
with the one Christian Grey

asked Anastasia Steele to sign
in "50 Shades of Grey",

before he... I don't know...
pinched her butt or whatever.

I haven't seen it
for obvious reasons.

Jamie Dornan was and remains
hashtag NotMyChristian.

But... But DC...

DC went under
federal control in 1801,

and it wasn't until the 1960s

that DC's then three-quarters
of a million citizens...

mostly African-American...

were given even the most basic
electoral rights.

Until 1964, residents could not even
vote in presidential elections.

It took a constitutional
amendment to bestow that right.

A few years later, Congress
granted limited home rule,

allowing DC voters to elect
a mayor and city council,

but required all legislation,
including the city's budget,

be subject
to congressional approval.

And with that level
of restriction,

the mayor of DC gets
to run the city

the way a student council president
gets to run her high school.

Oh, sure, Kelsey,
pick the theme for prom,

but we'll control the budget,
and 'Eyes Wide Shut'

is not an acceptable theme.

We are not having
a repeat of last year.

It was a mess, and it was
surprisingly boring.

Now, to be fair...

to be fair here, Congress very rarely
rejects DC's decisions outright,

which sounds good.

Unfortunately, instead
they attach so-called riders

to DC's appropriations bills,

stripping out funding for
things that they don't like.

And given that DC is a fairly liberal
and diverse city

and Congress is frequently
neither of those things,

over the years, Congress has
repeatedly stepped in

whenever DC is about to do something
that they might disapprove of.

For example,
just last November,

70% of Washingtonians
voted to legalize

possession of marijuana,

and DC's residents were
pretty excited about that.

This strain is a strain
called Mrs. Buttersworth.

- It is illegal, what you're doing now.
- Very much.

It won't be illegal
tomorrow, correct ?

That is correct.

What is that like, to come out
of the shadows, as it were ?

It's literally...
for me, literally...

coming out of the closet.

I can literally take my tent
out of this closet.

At... At long last,

my tent can come
out of its closet

and the hydroponic plant
inside it, can proudly say,

I'm here. My side effects
include drowsiness,

the desire to make claws out of
Bugles on your fingertips and fear.

Get used to it !
Get used to it !

'Cause I'm here
and I look good !

But then,
Republicans in Congress

stepped in and passed
a rider forbidding DC

from using their funds
to enact that law.

And if you're wondering how that
squares with the conservative ethos

of limited government
and states' rights,

well, here is how one of those
congressmen justified it.

Well, Washington, DC,
is not a state,

and Washington, DC,
has a lot to offer, but...

you know,

free reign on marijuana use ?

I just don't buy that.

I just don't think that that's
the way they should operate.

So, states' rights, yes, but
Washington, DC, is not a state.

You know you have
a weak argument

when you're clinging
to the precise wording you used.

Hey, I said I wouldn't fuck
any other women.

This is
my squash mate, Gary.

Having sex
with women, no,

but Gary is
not a woman.

You stay here, Gary.
Let her leave.

Now, DC managed
to find a loophole

that let them enact
that marijuana law anyway,

but other laws have
not been so lucky.

For nearly a decade, Congress
successfully blocked DC

from using its own tax dollars
to fund a needle exchange program

to battle the HIV epidemic.

And one of the men
responsible for that,

Georgia Representative
Bob Barr, explained why.

I would also remind
our colleagues

of a very basic principle.

If you give people the means
to do something

and encourage them to do it,

well, for heaven's sake,
no surprise, they will do it.

Okay, that is just ridiculous.

Because providing clean
needles to drug users

is not the same as putting out
a bowl of chips at a party.

No one sees a needle exchange
and thinks,

Well, I had no intention
of ever taking heroin,

but seeing as you've offered,
you know what ? Don't mind if I do.

How kind.
I don't want to be rude.

But it's a little hard

to hear him object to DC
funding needle exchanges

when you hear a little fact later
mentioned by one of his colleagues.

I trust that Mr. Barr
is aware

that Georgia has
a needle exchange program ?

Yes, Georgia had a needle
exchange program, too.

And what did Representative Barr
think that theirs was for ?

Injecting peach cobbler
intravenously ?

Oh, I couldn't eat
another bite,

but I sure as shit
ain't done yet.

Fill me up !

Let me ride
the peach, y'all.

Let me ride the peach !

And here's the thing. There were
consequences to that rider.

In the nine years that DC
was denied its needle exchanges,

more than 1500
injection-drug users

were diagnosed
with HIV in the District.

And interestingly, since DC finally
funded their needle exchanges in 2008,

HIV diagnosis linked
to injecting drugs

went down by 87%,
because of course they did.

Needle exchanges are always
preferable to the alternative.

Try and think of needles
as bridesmaid dresses.

Anyone who tells you
you can reuse them

does not have
your best interests at heart.

Just eat the 200$
and throw it away, Cheryl.

She screwed you.
She screwed all of the girls.

It seems that Congress
just forces riders on DC

whenever they disapprove of how
they're spending their own money.

They are treating more than 600.000
people right now like children.

And, in case you think
I'm exaggerating,

listen to Florida
Congressman John Mica

explain why DC should not get
full control over their budget.

Well, when my kids were
young teenagers,

they always wanted
budget autonomy, too.

You believe District Leaders are
children ? They're not ready ?

No, but they have matured.

We just don't want regression.

No, no, I'm not... No, no, no,
I'm not saying they're children.

But they can't be trusted with money
until they learn some responsibility,

and until then, we should
give them an allowance.

You know, now that I'm hearing it out
loud, I am calling them children.

That is absolutely what I'm doing.

But the award for the most
depressingly cynical thing

that has ever
been said about DC

actually goes
to our current president,

who, in 2011, avoided
a government shutdown

by striking a deal
with John Boehner

that included prohibiting DC
from spending its own money

on abortions
for low-income women,

saying, and I quote...

"John, I will give you D.C.
abortion. I am not happy about it..."

And the only time trading away
DC abortion would be acceptable

is if DC Abortion is
a rare 1950s comic book,

and you're getting Marvel's
The Amazing Mammogram in return.

That is it.

Otherwise,
that's not great.

Look, the people of DC clearly
deserve a greater voice

in their own affairs and they've
actually come tantalizingly close

to getting a voting
representative in Congress.

In 2009, a bill to give DC a vote was
introduced in the Senate,

and the Senate did the most
dickish thing imaginable...

passing it
but with a little addition.

Well, you know, they passed
a major hurdle today,

getting this DC voting rights
bill through the Senate

but not without a highly controversial
amendment attached to it.

This amendment would repeal
all of DC's gun-control laws.

Oh, she's not kidding.

That amendment
would've repealed

their ban
on semi-automatic weapons,

removed criminal penalties
for unregistered firearms,

and even altered their ability

to enact future
gun-control legislation.

It was the kind of amendment
NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre

dreams about as he sleeps
in his bullet-filled bathtub,

I presume.

As a result of that amendment,
the bill was dropped,

and DC has not been close
to getting a vote since.

And the problem is,
even if they eventually get one,

Congress could still add riders
to mess with DC's laws,

and that's why many
Washingtonians want full statehood.

But that's probably a long shot,
because last year,

Congress held its first hearing
on DC's statehood in 21 years,

and the turnout
was not encouraging.

The sad thing was,
only two members...

two senators of that committee
actually showed up

to listen to testimony today.

That's pathetic !

That's pathetic.
Yeah, it was.

Only two turned up.

That's not just a pathetic attendance
for a hearing on Capitol Hill.

That would be pathetic for
a one-year-old's birthday party.

Really, Mikey ?
Just your mom and dad ?

You haven't made
any other friends in an entire year ?

Put yourself
out there, Mikey !

The world is
waiting for you, Mikey.

And look, whether the fix
is a vote or statehood,

something has to happen.

The problem is inertia is
a really powerful force.

And opponents might say,
Well, we can't grant DC statehood.

We'd have to change
the Constitution,

but we could do that.

The whole point of amendments
is to fix things

that no longer make any sense.
It's happened 27 times and counting.

Others will say, Well, hold on,
we'd have to change the flag.

but we could do that.

I mean, sure, it would
look slightly different,

but we've been using a 51-star flag
for this whole segment

and none of you
have fucking noticed.

So, you know,
it wouldn't be...

it wouldn't be
a crazy thing.

And yes, yes,
it would probably screw up

the songs that
we learned as children,

but we could change those, too.
In fact, until DC's situation is fixed,

we've taken the liberty of adding
an amendment to that song.

Would you like to hear it,
boys and girls ?

Would you like to hear it ?
Come on ! Let's go ! Let's go !

- Hey, kids.
- Hi.

- How you doing ?
- Good !

Do you want to sing
a song about the 50 states

and the inequities inherent in
living in our nation's capitol ?

Yeah !

- Heck, let's do it, shall we ?
- Okay.

Alabama and Alaska,
Arizona, Arkansas,

Calofornia, Colorado,
Connecticut and more

There are 50 states in total
And we sing their names with glee

But that's one place that
gets shafted

And it's Washington DC.

That's great, kids.

Now, be more specific
about the problem.

All the rest of us can chose
a path

That we think it's best
But any choice that D.C. makes

Is easily supressed
'Cause some asshole with a rider

Who might live in Tennessee
Can destroy a needle program

For preventig HIV.

It's true ! It's horrifying,
but it's true.

What's a solution,
do you think ?

Let them have gun laws,
Let them have weed !

Why not ?

Let them decide
The things they need.

And if you're totally convinced
That there should be just 50 states

Well, then let's all kick out Florida
Cause no one thinks they're great.

Oh, yes, let's all kick out Florida
Cause no one thinks they're great.

Cause no one thinks they're great.

That's our show ! Thank you
so much for watching !

Thanks to all the kids ! We'll see
you next week ! Good night !

LAST WEEK TONIGHT
with John Oliver

END OF EPISODE 23