Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 15 - FIFA - full transcript

John discusses the 2015 FIFA corruption case.

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LAST WEEK TONIGHT
WITH JOHN OLIVER

Season 2
Episode 15

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to Last Week Tonight.

I'm John Oliver,
thank you so much for being with us.

Just time for a quick recap
of the week.

And we begin in Cuba.

Or as JFK used
to pronounce it, "Booty Island."

The U.S. has had a tempestuous
relationship with Cuba over the years.

And this week brought
a major development.

The breaking news, the United States
now has formally dropped Cuba

from its list of
state-sponsors of terrorism.



It's frankly about time,

because arguably
the largest act of terrorism

that Cuba has inspired
in the last 30 years

was "Dirty Dancing:
Havana Nights."

Until Friday, Cuba had been
one of just four countries on the list,

along with Iran, Sudan
and Syria.

And it did always feel
like Cuba was the odd one out there.

It's like someone saying,
"I've got a deal with my husband.

"I can sleep with four other people.
So my list is Ryan Gosling,

"Chris Pratt, Idris Elba,
and beloved sitcom actor Jon Cryer."

Really ? I'd love to hear
your rationale behind that last one.

Because it's worth noting
even the State Department

did not seem to know
why Cuba was on the list.

Their most recent entry
said that there was "no indication



"Cuba provided weapons
or training to terrorist groups."

So it was more that Cuba
liked the idea of terrorism.

They were into terrorism the same way
a kid in a Salt Lake City mall

is into the Crips.

Sure you are, Brandon.

Sure you are.

But now Cuba's been taken
off the list,

which clearly presents
a number of opportunities.

Under the plan, economic
sanctions would also be lifted

encouraging business
and tourism in Cuba.

And it is tourism
which might change Cuba's mind

over whether this week's news
was good or not.

'Cause I give them about three months
of being overrun with American tourists

asking where they can find
the most authentic mojito

before they say,

"You know what ? It turns out
we are pretty terror-ish after all.

"You guys might wanna put us
back on that list, please."

Let's move on to Nebraska.

A state you think about
so little,

you didn't even realize
that's not Nebraska, this is Nebraska.

Come on, it's your country.
That's not okay.

Nebraska had some big
and surprising news this week.

Nebraska is now the first
conservative state

in more than 40 years
to abolish the death penalty.

That's right. You will
no longer be sentenced

to death by lethal injection
in Nebraska.

Unless you count drinking their
subsidized corn syrup through a straw.

Which is slow acting,
but it will get you in the end.

Nebraska has become the 19th state
to outlaw the death penalty.

But it wasn't easy. Their governor, and
enormous human thumb, Pete Ricketts,

was staunchly opposed
to the whole idea.

"My words cannot express
how appalled I am

"that we have lost
a critical tool

"to protect law enforcement
and Nebraska families."

Words cannot express ?
Why don't you try.

It's a written public statement,
you giant shaved owl.

And incidentally, they picked
the perfect photo there.

Just look how happy he is
at the idea of lethal injections.

Interestingly,
one of the reasons lawmakers

voted to repeal
the death penalty

was purely practical,
as it's become increasingly difficult

to obtain the necessary drugs
for executions.

And watch how Ricketts tried
to overcome that objection.

Yesterday, Nebraska governor
Pete Ricketts

announced the state

has successfully purchased drugs
to administer the death penalty.

So he's essentially saying, "Hey, guys,
great news. I found the murder drugs

"that I've been looking for."

How is that good news, you unpeeled
hard-boiled egg with teeth ?

But it turned out, anyway,
his plan was a little flawed.

First, the drugs he found
were located in India

and cost nearly $55,000
in taxpayer money.

And that's expensive. We are talking
Adderall in the Yale library

during finals week expensive.

And secondly, there was this.

The FDA tells us, quote,

"With very limited
exceptions, which do not apply here,

"it is unlawful
to import this drug

"and FDA would refuse
its admission into the United States."

And that is pathetic.

Because saying that you've got
access to high-quality drugs from India

and then not being able to
deliver is embarrassing enough

when you're a high school junior trying
to get into your prom date's pants.

It is downright humiliating when you
are the adult governor of a state

trying to desperately kill people,
you dollar store Lex Luthor.

And lastly this week,

let's move on to Ireland.

A country with a slightly higher Irish
population than the Dropkick Murphys.

While we were off last week,
Ireland had a historic vote.

This is the moment same sex
supporters in Ireland

knew they'd made history.

Irish voters said a resounding "yes"
to gay marriage

by a margin of two to one.

That is the most...
That's right.

That is the most resounding
Irish endorsement of homosexuality

since Lucky Charms added
the rainbow marshmallow.

The vote was helped by heartwarming
ads from the "yes vote" camp,

such as the "bring your family
with you" commercial.

Dad ? Will you come with me ?

I wouldn't miss it
for the world.

Mom. Come on.

It's time.

That ad is a moving testament to love
crossing generational boundaries.

Although, it would also make
a chilling scene

from a movie about Irish millennials

euthanizing their parents.

"Mom, it's time.

"Now go ahead and walk into the ocean
like the prophecy demands.

"It's time, Ma.
It's time."

The Irish vote
was widely celebrated

with one depressingly
predictable voice of dissent.

A sharp rejection today of Ireland's
historic same sex marriage vote

from the Catholic Church.

The Vatican's secretary of state
called the result a, quote,

"defeat for humanity."

Okay, settle down a little,
Catholic Church.

Remember, you're an organization whose
victories for humanity include

the Crusades, forced adoptions,
and running

a wildly successful international
pedophile exchange program.

So let's save the "defeat
for humanity" accusation

for things that truly
deserve it, like this:

We're turning bacon
upside down.

Introducing
Perfect Bacon Bowl.

And try this:
a Bacon Bowl ice cream sundae.

Salty sweet,
and fun to eat.

That is a defeat for humanity.

Because we are destroying civilization
one manipulated pork form at a time.

But the Vatican's blinkered stance made
a little more sense in the context

of a seemingly unrelated piece
of information that came out this week.

One person who definitely
is not watching our broadcast tonight,

Pope Francis. In fact, he told
an Argentinian newspaper

that he hasn't watched
television in 25 years.

He says he simply decided
it wasn't for him.

Oh, I'm sorry, Pope.
This isn't for you ?

This is, actually,
that's a good instinct.

This show is definitely
not for you.

It's why in the little warning card
at the top of every episode

it says "UP:
unsuitable for popes."

But it is a shame because it might
have helped if the Pope

had been watching TV
over the last 25 years.

TV shows have done a lot to acclimate
people to same sex relationships.

There was "Will and Grace,"
there was "Ellen,"

"Queer as Folk,"
"SpongeBob SquarePants."

Oh, please. They hang out
in a pineapple under the sea.

Read between the lines.

I'm just saying, Pope,
if you'd watched TV,

not only would you
have learned a lot,

but there are shows that
you might have really liked.

If nothing else, I think you'd
have loved "Breaking Bad."

That's a show you
could really relate to.

It's a story about a man
gradually losing touch with reality,

overseeing a vast criminal enterprise,
and yet so powerful

that no one's brave enough to tell him
he's wearing a very silly hat.

And now, this.

And now, newscasters
finding the fact

they don't know words
hilarious.

For the second straight year,

the Scripps National Spelling
Bee has co-champions.

Spelling words none of us
have ever heard of.

I can't even say the final word.
Scherenschnitte.

"Scherenschnite."
Bless you.

Scheren... schnitty.
Scherenschnitty.

I've got some schnerenschnit
over here for lunch.

Nunatak. N-U-N-A-T-A-K.
Nunatak.

Nunatak ! Noonatak. Noonatak.
Noonattack.

- That was a nun attack.
- What's the word ?

I can tell you that much.

Nunnintek. I apologize if I'm not
pronouncing them right

'cause I couldn't even
begin to tell you what it...

Well, I know what it means.

It means a hill or a mountain
surrounded by glacial ice.

But I know that because
my producers told me.

But did you know it
right away ?

Yeah, obviously.

Thug
Life

It's the motherfucking
D-O-double G

Snoop Dogg !

Moving on, our main story
tonight is FIFA.

The organization that sounds
the most like the name of a purse dog.

"It's not 'Fifi,'
it's 'Fifa.'"

You may remember last year

we examined what an appalling
organization FIFA is,

treating countries that host
the World Cup like cash machines,

practically imposing
their own rule of law,

generating billions
of dollars, and yet,

somehow remaining
a nonprofit.

Despite being almost the dictionary
definition of corruption,

they've escaped any
significant prosecution for decades.

But that all ended
on Wednesday.

High-ranking officials
from FIFA,

the sport's governing body, arrested
in an overnight raid in Switzerland,

the result of
a sweeping FBI investigation.

I don't know what I'm more
surprised by,

that FIFA officials
were actually arrested

or that America was behind it.

It took the country that cares
the least about football

to bring down the people
who have been ruining it.

That's like finding out that Kesha
arrested a group of bankers

involved in commodities fraud.

Wow, Kesha. I actually did not think
this was an interest of yours.

But you've been
undeniably effective.

Tenacious prosecution, K.

It's not just the fact of the arrests
that was spectacular,

it's how they were
carried out.

We saw several of those FIFA officials
led from the hotel,

I think it was the hotel staff
trying to protect their appearance,

if not their dignity,
with white hotel sheets.

That is perfect.

Because hotel sheets are very
much like FIFA officials.

They really should be clean, but
they're actually unspeakably filthy,

and deep down
everybody knows that.

Essentially, the U.S. government
has accused FIFA officials

of soliciting $150 million
in bribes and kickbacks,

in forms ranging

from cash in a briefcase
to an expensive painting,

which, to be fair,
is unexpectedly classy corruption

for sports executives.

'Cause if you wanted
to bribe Roger Goodell,

all you'd need is a cardboard box
filled with old "Playboys."

Apparently,
the big breakthrough came

when the IRS caught
Chuck Blazer,

a corrupt American
FIFA official and actual bad Santa.

For many years, Blazer
didn't even file a tax return,

which was a little suspicious
considering the lifestyle he lived.

His criminal activity
financed an opulent lifestyle,

that included a luxury apartment
in New York's Trump Tower

for the use of his cats.

Wow !

None of us know what
aloof really means

until we meet a cat that has
its own apartment in Trump Tower.

He probably doesn't
even lick himself.

He just uses the
on-site dry cleaning.

Now, Blazer became
an FBI informant,

and with his help the U.S. government
managed to produce

a 164-page indictment which I genuinely
recommend that you read

because it's amazing.

Let me give you just a taste.
For instance,

it alleges that former FIFA
vice president Jack Warner

tried to help buy votes with envelopes
containing $40,000 in cash.

And when someone objected,
he said,

"If you're pious,
open a church, friends.

"Our business
is our business."

Which is not just awful,
it's factually incorrect.

Because opening a church

is a fantastic way to
make a shit ton of money.

That's just a fact.
And...

If you need any more proof
that Jack Warner

could not give less of a fuck,
listen to this.

After he was arrested, he left jail
in an ambulance claiming exhaustion.

Exhaustion that he then recovered from
miraculously quickly.

Hours after he was released
from jail,

the former FIFA exec turned politician
was defiant

as he addressed a rally.

Every little thing
is gonna be all right

That is cocky.

Denying any involvement

while singing "Every little
thing's gonna be all right."

As songs go,
that's a little on the nose.

I guess we're just lucky
that he didn't go

with "Got Your Money"
by Ol' Dirty Bastard.

Which, come to think of it,

are three words that describe
Jack Warner perfectly.

But the cherry on top
of all of this

was a video Jack Warner
released just today,

where he suggested that this
arrest was all a conspiracy,

brining hard proof
in the form of a newspaper article

stating that FIFA was trying
to placate the U.S.

by giving them
an extra World Cup this year.

FIFA has frantically announced

2015, 2015, this year,

this year, Olympic final

in the World Cup
beginning May 27.

If the FIFA is so bad,

why is it the USA wants
to keep the FIFA World Cup ?

And let's be fair, he's right.

FIFA giving the U.S. an extra World Cup
is comically ridiculous.

It's the sort of thing you'd usually
see in an "Onion" article.

Which it turns out was exactly
what he was holding up there.

And it says something

about how corrupt FIFA is
that one of their ex-vice presidents

could look at that story
and think, "Yeah.

"That sounds like something
they might do. Yeah. Yeah."

But maybe the most remarkable
thing about all of the charges

is that they didn't
touch Sepp Blatter,

who's been President of FIFA
for the last 17 years.

Now, on his watch, the World Cup
has left a trail of devastation.

Just last year, Brazil spent
billions of dollars

on massive new stadiums
to host the World Cup.

Stadiums which have met
a predictable fate.

These days there's very
little football being played

at the world's second most
expensive stadium.

In fact, it mostly sits empty.

After hosting less than
a handful of matches

during last year's World Cup,
it's never been filled again.

Today, it serves mainly
as a parking lot for these buses.

You have to give them credit.

FIFA literally
went into Brazil,

paved paradise
and put up a parking lot.

But that is just
a drop in the ocean

of what has happened
on Blatter's watch.

Just look at what's
gonna happen next Saturday,

when the Women's
World Cup starts.

Blatter has previously suggested

raising the popularity
of women's soccer

by saying, "They could,
for example, have tighter shorts.

"Female players are pretty."

And it is rare to find
a non-fired boss

who will openly say,
"I would like to make it easier

"for me to masturbate
to my employees."

And as you'll see next week,
that is pretty much the full extent

of Blatter's care
for female players' legs.

Every game will be played,
for the first time in history,

on artificial turf.

Many U.S. team members
are livid.

It is a gender equality issue.

No chance would the men
ever play a World Cup on turf.

Leroux recently posted
pictures of skin burns

she says were caused
by turf.

Holy shit !

The last time an athlete's
legs were beaten up that badly

in advance of
a major competition,

it was because Tonya Harding
was unwilling to settle for silver.

But no decision
Blatter has overseen

is more questionable than the 2022
World Cup being awarded to Qatar.

Because not only will the conditions
be terrible to play in,

but the number of migrant
workers that have died in Qatar

since the Cup was announced
has been staggering.

Now, the numbers are difficult
to pin down.

But a report by the International Trade
Union Confederation,

for example, has estimated
1,200 deaths so far,

with up to 4,000 additional
worker deaths by 2022.

Now, even if all those are not
directly related to the World Cup,

those are still
natural disaster numbers.

Weather services should start
issuing FIFA warnings.

"A stadium is being planned
in your area. Evacuate immediately."

And you would think all this might cost
Sepp Blatter his job.

And on Friday, he was actually
up for reelection as FIFA's president,

and offered a pretty terrible
defense for himself.

I know many people hold me

ultimately responsible
for the actions

and reputation
of the global football community.

We, or I,

cannot monitor everyone
all of the time.

That is weak.

You are basically
Charles Manson saying,

"Listen, I've got
a big family.

"I don't know what Squeaky
gets up to half the time."

And by this point, having learned
what you know about FIFA,

you have no right to be surprised
by the results of Friday's election.

With all eyes on FIFA, the most
powerful man in football, Sepp Blatter,

has won a fifth term
as president of that organization.

Come on ! He presided
over the worst fiasco in their history.

It's like a Sony executive
greenlighting a sequel

in the middle of
watching "Aloha."

"This is absolutely terrible, and I
need to make sure there's more of it.

"We'll call it 'Aloha 2:

"This Time We Mean
The Other Meaning.'"

Blatter's reelection

was absolutely
a foregone conclusion.

Everyone knew this was coming.

And I can explain why.

All 209 members in FIFA
get a single vote for president.

And a lot of those smaller members
have a financial interest

in keeping things
exactly as they are.

All share equally the profits
from the World Cup,

regardless of size
or soccer prowess.

Liechtenstein gets
as much money as Germany.

Andorra gets as much money
as Spain.

And Montserrat gets
as much money as United States.

That's right. The U.S.
gets the same share as Montserrat,

which A, isn't even a country,

and B, has a population
of less than 6,000.

So America, a country with
a population of 320 million,

gets just as much as an island
with a head count

matching that of a slightly
overbooked Caribbean cruise.

And that's why under FIFA's system,
leadership never changes.

Their elections are
such a joke

that four years ago
Blatter ran unopposed.

This was the actual
ballot paper from that year.

And they should at least have added
a second box so that your options were

"vote Blatter"
or "go fuck yourself."

And the problem is all
the arrests in the world

are gonna change nothing
as long as Blatter is still there.

Because to truly kill a snake
you must cut off its head.

Or in this case,
its asshole.

But if America keeps
driving this investigation...

This is important.

If America keeps driving
this investigation,

and actually finds something
to indict him,

I don't think you understand how much
that would mean to everyone on earth.

The whole world's opinion
of America would change overnight.

Let me put this in terms
you might understand.

If the Dutch somehow found a reason
to extradite and lock up Donald Trump,

you would think, "Holy shit !
The Dutch are awesome !

"The Dutch are...
What a country !"

That is what is on the table
for you, America.

And if you won't do it,
the last hope to get rid of him

is in the hands
of the only group

even more powerful
than world governments.

Right now, he's being backed
because the money's still flowing in.

The second Nike says goodbye,
or the second Visa says goodbye,

or Adidas or Coca-Cola
or Budweiser,

I guarantee you, FIFA will not,
the heads of FIFA

will not have the support
they currently enjoy.

Exactly.
Barring an indictment,

the only people with the power
to get rid of Sepp Blatter

are FIFA's sponsors.
These companies.

And I would like to make
a plea to them tonight.

Please, make Sepp Blatter
go away.

I will do anything. Adidas,
I'll wear one of your ugly shoes.

One of these shoes

that make me look like
the Greek god of aspiring DJs.

McDonald's, I will take a bite

out of every item
on your dollar menu.

Which tastes like normal food
that was cursed by a vindictive wizard.

And I will even make
the ultimate sacrifice.

Budweiser,
if you pull your support

and help get rid of Blatter,

I will put my mouth
where my mouth is

and I will personally drink
one of your disgusting items.

I'm serious.
It can be a Bud Light.

I will even drink
a Bud Light Lime.

Despite the fact
that all the lime in the world

cannot disguise the fact
that this tastes like a puddle

beneath a Long John Silver's
Dumpster.

But I will do it.
I will drink one,

maintaining eye contact
with the camera,

and I will say
it was delicious.

Because if you get rid
of the Swiss demon

who has ruined
the sport I love,

this stuff will taste
like fucking champagne.

And now, this...

And now,

Bernie Sanders
asks interviewers questions.

Do you know what youth
unemployment is today ?

No.

- What the average contribution was ?
- What was it ?

- What the unemployment rate there is ?
- Extremely high.

Do you know how much it costs to go
to college in Denmark ? Do you know ?

What their agenda is ?
What they believe in ?

Do you know how the VA
was processing claims ?

Do you know how many factories
we have lost in the last ten years ?

Do you know what's going on
in Nicaragua ? In Panama ?

Do you know what
the bottom 60 percent own ?

Do you know what
the bad news is ?

Do you know what you
have to do ? Do you know what ?

You know what ?
Well, you know what ?

You know what ? I got a pain
in my stomach and I'm worried.

AND NOW

And finally tonight, Hitler.

Or as I prefer to call him,
Mr. Eva Braun.

Hashtag "feminism,"
hashtag "Hitler."

Hitler died 70 years ago
last month.

Which is apparently
long enough

for some countries to get away
with TV shows like this.

A new Czech Republic TV show

has pushed
the reality TV genre

even closer to the edge
of good taste,

with a new Nazi-themed show
called "Holiday in the Protectorate."

The premise is simple:
three generations of one family

are placed in a situation,
of a mock Nazi-occupied Europe.

If they make it through
two months, they get 50 grand.

That begs
so many questions.

Not the least of which is
what happens if they don't win ?

What does losing entail
on that show ? Because in 1939,

the stakes
were pretty fucking high.

Now, you might think that that is
the most casual use of Nazi history

you can possibly imagine.
But there's actually been something

that we've been wanting
to show to you for a while.

A couple of months ago, we were
researching a story and stumbled across

a propaganda video produced
by the Thai government

designed to teach the core
values of Thai society.

Just keep an eye out
for what one child is painting.

Yes. That is a child applauding
their friend's Hitler painting.

Which is obviously offensive.
You don't applaud art when you like it.

You nod thoughtfully
and drink your weight

in complimentary
gallery Chardonnay.

Now, we naturally assumed
this was just a one-off aberration.

But it turns out Thailand

has something of a bizarre fixation
with Hitler imagery.

Thailand's biggest university

apologizing today for a
controversial mural.

Take a look at the artwork.

It's depicting Adolf Hitler
in a group of superheroes.

A Christian school in Thailand
now apologizing

for allowing students to march
in a Nazi-themed parade.

The Hitler chicken restaurant

is using the image
of the Nazi leader

on an emblem similar to KFC.

KFC calls it
extremely distasteful.

That's right. KFC, the makers
of the chicken scraps

and potato mélange
you drink from a cup,

called something
extremely distasteful,

and were not
being hypocritical.

Now, to be fair,
in Thai schools,

"world history
is not given much attention,

"with little or no mention
of the Holocaust."

Although to be even fairer,
come on !

How is it appropriate
to use Hitler on a billboard

to advertise a wax museum,
or to advertise a herbal laxative tea

with Hitler proclaiming,
"Release the demon."

That doesn't even make sense,
Thailand.

If you had Hitler screaming
at you to take a shit,

I'm pretty sure you wouldn't
need a fucking laxative.

And we haven't even got into
the clothing available in Thailand yet.

You can buy t-shirts featuring
panda Hitlers,

and Teletubby Hitlers.

Who is that last one for ?

There are two types of people who would
wear Hitler Teletubby clothing.

The type that want
a Teletubby shirt so badly

they'll take one with Hitler on it,

and the type who want
a Hitler shirt so badly

they'll take one
with a Teletubby on it.

And I'm not sure
who the worse person is there.

But the greatest example

of just how comfortable
Thailand is with Hitler imagery

is the fact that a Thai band
called "Slur" once produced this video.

That is misjudged just
from a marketing standpoint.

How are teenage girls supposed
to pick a favorite boy band member

if all of them
are the bad boy ?

Look, look, Thailand,
you need to understand

the only acceptable
depictions of Hitler

are either in a history textbook

or accidentally
on a dog's face.

That's the only time.

Who's a bad boy ? You are.

You're a very bad boy.

But to embrace the actual Hitler
is a real problem.

He was terrible.
Google Hitler right now, Thailand,

and see what comes up.
Seriously, do it now. We will all wait.

PLEASE STAND BY
WHILE THAILAND GOOGLES HITLER

Yes. Exactly, Thailand.
He was really bad.

Look, this has to stop.

'Cause if you need

a charismatic personality with
a funny mustache to worship,

there are other options.
In fact, there's a perfect option.

And I'm talking about beloved
comedian and TV personality Rip Taylor.

He's got everything
you're looking for, Thailand.

Funny mustache, check.
Colorful outfits, big check.

What about a flair
for pageantry ?

Rip Taylor,
ladies and gentlemen.

I don't understand
what the hell they're doing !

I mean, it looks more like
a riptide to me !

Sure, it's no Nuremberg Rally,
but come on.

It's pretty close.

And the beauty is Rip Taylor
is more than willing

to be the new face of whatever you want
in Thailand.

Don't take my word for it.
Tell them, Rip.

Thailand, I would love
to be your substitute Hitler !

I would love to be your
substitute Hitler !

Put Rip Taylor
on whatever you want.

Murals and walls and t-shirts
and chicken restaurants

and dress up your boy bands
as me ! Seriously !

Come on, do it.
Don't just sit there, do it !

See ? He'll do it !
And guess what ?

Rip Taylor has
never killed six million Jews.

Tell them, Rip.

Rip's never killed
a single Jew !

Not a single one ! Seriously !

No Jews. Never. Never.
It's not my nature.

Exactly ! And to be honest,
that's a relief,

'cause I did not check that
before asking him.

But the point is it's true,
so come on, Thailand.

'Cause if anything,
your laxative teas

are about to get
even better commercials.

That's our show,
our huge thanks to Rip Taylor.

Please join us next week !

Good night !

Wanna know the difference
between this show and my toupée ?

My toupée is more likely
to stay on.

Good night, America ! Hope you learned
about politics ! I did !

LAST WEEK TONIGHT
WITH JOHN OLIVER

Season 2
End of episode 15