Last Tango in Halifax (2012–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Episode #3.2 - full transcript
Guess the latest.
We've decided we're
going to get married.
Right.
'You know my date with Gary?
'Wasn't me he was interested in.
'He thinks you had
a fling with his mother.
~ 'And that you're his dad.'
~ I didn't know there'd been a child.
~ Are you all right?
~ Judith's, erm, she's...
She's lost the baby.
It's been awful.
~ I got your text. ~ It's true.
They can't expect you to sell
your house in 28 days!
How else is he going to raise
that kind of money?
~ What's up? ~ Nothing.
Someone is going to have
to tell my mother at some point,
and, if none of you do, I will.
He'd like to meet you.
~ Gary? ~ Alan. Hello.
~ It's a bit of a shock. ~ Yes.
For both of us. For all of us.
I mean, Gillian, too.
Yes. Yes.
I didn't sleep much last night.
Yeah...
I didn't want to, erm...
I just...
Sorry. I realise I don't actually
have anything to say as such.
It's just, I was intrigued to meet
you. To see you, I suppose.
That's all.
She never told me she was...
Your mum, she never...
Did Gillian tell you?
Gillian's lovely, by the way.
Oh! Well.
So funny. So sweet.
So uncomplicated.
Her heart's in the right place.
So, what was he upset for?
I thought he never wanted it.
Well, no. He didn't.
I don't know, I've had all this
second-hand from Caroline.
Still, I suppose
if it was nearly full-term.
God knows what
she must have gone through.
Are they even together still?
I mean, were they ever,
really actually?
After a certain point?
God knows.
She's cleared off, anyway.
She's gone to live with her sister
in St Albans.
And he's been sleeping
in Caroline's spare room again.
~ Apparently. ~ Really? ~ Hm.
She's very good to him, Caroline,
given what a bugger he's been.
If it was me, he'd not darken
the doorstep ever again.
No. No. No.
How...
Can I ask how you met?
Erm... Well, I married Eileen,
Gillian's mum in 1957.
But the woman
I really wanted to marry,
the woman I was in love with,
she'd stood me up.
Except she hadn't.
She left me a message.
Only I never got it.
Celia.
That's right.
I was very fond of Eileen.
But, truth is,
I got engaged to her on the rebound.
I don't think we'd have
called it that then,
and I certainly wasn't aware that
that's what I was doing.
But... yeah.
Then I met your mum.
At Jessops Chemicals.
Up Huddersfield.
She was a secretary.
And she reminded me of Celia.
The second I saw her,
everything about her,
the way her eyes lit up
when she smiled.
Way she walked.
I felt that same feeling I felt
when I was with Celia. It was...
I don't know.
Like... the world lit up.
And we were weak, we were daft,
we were old enough to know better,
it shouldn't have happened.
But it did.
Then she left.
And I never saw her again.
Did you TRY to see her again?
No.
I suppose... if I HAD known...
.. I'd like to think that
I'd have done the right thing.
It would have been more complicated,
obviously.
No, she should have told me.
She should have told me at the time.
How ever difficult it might have
been for everybody.
So you're not coming to this...
"wedding" then?
She did ask me.
Only I said we were busy.
And aren't you?
I don't think she really
wanted me there.
I think she only invited me
cos she thought she should.
I think you're being
a bit sensitive.
If she didn't want you, she wouldn't
ask you, you know what she's like.
Who else is going?
William's coming up from Oxford,
a few people from school,
a couple of her pals from Oxford,
and I don't know
about Kate's family.
It's only small, it's all a bit last
minute, not everyone's available.
Our Muriel's in Corfu, sadly.
So... John's living at the house.
And Kate's on leave now,
so she's at home all day...
with John.
Well, yeah. Presumably.
Cos he's never at work, is he?
I don't know why they pay him.
Contractions are good.
They're painful, but
they're on your side.
Your contractions happen
when your uterus contracts,
and that's what dilates,
or opens, the cervix.
Now, dads.
During labour,
you may find it distressing to see
your partner in so much pain.
Is this your first, not your first?
It's... it's... it's not my first.
It's Kate's first.
So you'll know what I'm talking
about. It is distressing,
but you just being there, gently
encouraging her to keep going,
that is so important.
It's... it's not actually mine,
as such, I'm just...
Kate's my wife's girlfriend.
OK...
So, let's talk about pain relief.
We're back!
Dad!
Ooh, my feet.
~ Calamity, you're getting heavier by
the hour. ~ I'm making you some tea.
Well...
.. I think I've spent up, Alan!
You'd better not have.
Not if we're thinking about this
Australasian adventure.
~ Are we serious? ~ I am if you are.
Why are we whispering?
Is it a secret?
No...
So, have you been busy?
No. No. No.
Right, I'll pop all this lot
upstairs, then I can relax.
~ Can you manage? ~ Oh, yes.
Tea? Coffee? Jaeger bomb?
Tea, thanks, love.
Have you had a nice time?
Clothes shopping
with my mother-in-law.
Step-mother.
Yeah, yeah.
It was a bit of a laugh.
~ How did you get on? ~ Fine.
~ Yeah? ~ Like you said,
he seems like a very nice fella.
Yeah. Yeah.
~ He's odd. ~ What?
~ I felt like I knew him. ~ Yeah.
~ Yeah. ~ So did I.
~ From the moment I saw his face.
~ So, what did he say,
what did he want? ~ Nothing.
~ I didn't think he did. I think he
just... ~ Just wanted to talk, yeah.
I wish I could've stopped with
him longer, but...
Any road, he asked me
if we'd like to go have a meal.
Meet Felicity. His wife.
Oh, so he is married, then?
Yeah. They've two girls.
He meant all of us -
you, me, Raff, Ellie, Calamity.
Celia.
He said he'd like to meet Celia.
I said...
"Well, I haven't told her yet."
So...?
Oh, I don't know.
You have got to tell her. I had
Caroline on t'phone
a couple of days ago and
she said if we... If you don't tell
Celia, she will.
What the hell were you doing
telling Caroline for?
I told you! And, look,
she wasn't being nasty.
To be fair to her, it's cos
she knows how upset Celia was
when she found out about Kenneth.
Knowing she'd been...
cheated on. Lied to.
And isn't it best to be honest?
Really? And coming from you sooner
rather than later.
I told Caroline you wanted
to meet him first.
And then you'd tell her. Celia.
She was fine with that.
But now you have met him...
So...
OK.
~ So? ~ Yeah, I'll tell her.
~ When? ~ Soon.
Soon!
Well, why did you let him
go with you?
Because... I don't know!
He just tagged along and, of course,
I was daft enough to feel
sorry for him.
I should've said,
right in front of everyone,
"She's not your wife, she's your
ex-wife John, you're divorced."
~ Yes, you should've done.
~ "She's my wife's girlfriend."
"She's my wife. Very nearly.
And you're..." I don't know.
A friend of the family.
Well. No. He's more than that,
he's the father of...
Still...
.. we don't need to split hairs.
"I know you've had an upset.
But can I just be blunt?
"You really, really need
to move out, John.
"Before me and Caroline
get married".
Yes, well, good.
You should've said it.
He's got all that money
we've begged, borrowed,
and stolen to buy his half of the
house. What's the problem?
I don't think we've stolen
anything, have we?
Whatever.
What is the problem? Just say it.
Can't you?
Sure.
~ Yes! ~ Damn.
I'll deal with it later.
I WILL deal with it later.
They're... playing a game.
If I go into labour,
he comes nowhere near that hospital.
Course he won't!
What's the matter?
I don't know.
I don't know,
maybe I'm just frightened.
Don't be frightened.
I'm not that much younger
than Judith.
Judith's an alcoholic.
What if there's something
wrong with it?
There won't be. Why would there be?
And if there is, we'll deal with it.
But there won't be. So.
And you WILL get rid of him?
I will ask him...
to leave.
Oh, God. I ought to ring my mum.
MOBILE RINGS
Hello?
'Mum, hi. It's me. How are you?'
~ Very well, love.
~ 'Good. Good. Good, how's Alan?'
Alan? He's fine.
Caroline says, "How's Alan?"
He's fine, love.
'Good. So, er...'
Good. So I've got nothing fresh
that I can think of. Have you?
'No... I don't think so.'
~ Have we got anything fresh, Alan?
~ No. No. No
WHISPERS: He's not told her.
'We thought we'd drive over'
on Friday,
the day before the wedding,
'then if there's anything
you want doing, I can help out.'
Right. Good. Thank you.
DOOR SLAMS SHUT
Is that Ellie?
~ IN BACKGROUND: Did you decide
on your outfit? ~ Hello, love.
~ Where've you been?
~ Supermarket. Greenhough's.
~ Not answering your phone.
~ Oh, have ya been ringing?
~ Oggy said you had an argument
with Mr Epplewhite. ~ I did.
~ Which one's he?
~ BOTH: Politics.
I told him he can shove his course
work up his arse,
and I've left,
and I've got a job at Greenhough's.
You can't do that!
Well, I just did.
You can't NOT do your A-levels.
What's happened?
Well, no, I can. Not do them.
And then I can earn some money.
Have you spoken... Have you talked
to your mum about it?
No way, she's enough on worrying
about me grandad.
~ Right, well, I think you need to.
~ It's none of her business.
No, Ellie, it is!
She's going to be very upset
if you're going to drop
out of doing your A-levels.
You can't work at Greenhough's.
~ That's just a job, it's not a
career. ~ You're a clever lass!
You don't want to just go
chucking it all down the drain.
No, listen, it's good!
It's full-time!
He said I can go on a fast-track,
he said I can be a store manager
in a couple of years
if I put the hours in and play my
cards right,
~ there's all sorts of opportunities.
~ Wow(!)
It's money, Raff.
It's not being
dependent on every-bloody-body.
It isn't like I've got that many
people to be dependent on now
with me Grandad being such a loony!
I still think you need to
ring your mother!
Hang on,
I can't hear what you're saying,
they're all just shouting
at each other at this end.
Can I speak to Gillian?
Erm...
Yeah, I think so, hang on. Gillian!
It's Caroline.
What's happened? What's going on...?
Hiya, Caz.
He hasn't told her.
No, no, no, not yet.
'He needs to tell her.'
I know. He will.
He needs to tell her soon.
Yes. I know, I agree with you,
I'm working on it.
MOUTHS
I do like Kate, you know.
I suppose if Caroline had to be that
way, she could've done a lot worse.
It's funny, isn't it? Babies.
They're always welcome
when they come.
Even when they're unexpected.
Like our little Calamity.
And now there's this other one.
I know there's something
bothering you.
I wish you'd let on what it is.
Is it Harry and that damned silly
mess he's got himself into?
Well, what, then?
I've had a bit of news.
What news?
I've been in two minds about
whether to tell you or not.
~ What news?
~ It's not, I'm not ill, I...
I suppose there's a lot about
each other we still don't know,
isn't there?
~ SHE LAUGHS
~ Is there?
Well, 60-odd years
not seeing someone,
there's bound to be one or two...
What? One or two what?
It turns out I've got
a skeleton in the cupboard.
What do you mean?
One I never even knew I had.
Well, not...
What? What is it?
Oh, I don't care what it is, Alan.
You can tell me anything.
Nothing's worth making yourself
ill over, just tell me.
Just say it, just spit it out.
You'll think I'm like Kenneth.
How could you ever be like Kenneth?
I've got a lad.
A son.
A boy I never knew I had.
Well, I call him "lad."
He's a man now.
You see...
I had a bit of a fling.
When?
Years ago.
Before you were married?
No.
So, I don't want to make excuses.
It happened. It shouldn't have.
But I didn't know
there'd been a child.
When?
Year our Gillian were born.
Only as I say, I've only just...
The year Gillian were born?
But you'd been married nine years
when Gillian... was born.
Who was she?
You wouldn't know her.
They lived up Siddal.
Mary.
She were called Mary. Mary Kershaw.
Came to work at Jessops.
She were the secretary.
She, um...
She had the look of you.
The year Gillian was born,
you were...?
Did Eileen know?
No. It's like I'd said to Gillian,
it stopped before it started.
~ It was never...
~ So what does Gillian know about it?
Her date. On Valentine's Day.
It weren't a date as such.
It were him.
How long did it go on?
It didn't.
Long enough to get her pregnant.
Only the once.
Then she left. I never saw her again.
I had no idea she were...
So, what does he want, this Gary?
Nothing. He just wanted to meet me.
And are you going to?
Well, the thing is...
I already have.
I met him this morning when
you and Gillian went shopping.
And he's a grand fella, Celia.
And he's very keen to meet you.
Genuinely.
He's the sort of person
who genuinely seems to be
~ interested in people. He...
~ So, hang on.
He just rang out of the blue,
this morning,
when Gillian and me
just happened to be out shopping?
No. No. No, he, we, it were...
It were arranged.
Gillian arranged it.
Oh, so you were just getting me
out of the way?
No!
Look...
~ It were delicate... ~ Where?
Where did you meet him?
~ In a cafe. ~ Right.
I understand you'd probably rather
I'd told you first...
I'd rather you didn't lie to me
about what you were doing.
But, obviously, I were worried
about how you'd react.
You see, this is what adultery does
to people, it turns them into liars.
Well, no wonder you couldn't
have little Calamity,
no wonder we had to trail
her round with us.
It's been difficult,
knowing the right thing to do
and the right order to do stuff in.
And of course Gillian's been upset.
But not above colluding
with you about deceiving me.
Nobody wanted to deceive you!
It was just about knowing when
and how to tell you.
Well...
You've told me now.
Have you seen Ellie?
Yeah, she were up at 6:15,
she was off to catch the 6:50 bus.
She's to be at Greenhough's
at half past.
She didn't discuss this wi' me
at all, nothing.
~ You need to be communicating
with each other more. ~ No shit!
I'm not being an unpaid nanny
if she's out earning money.
That is not the way the world works,
this isn't cloud cuckoo land.
Also, plus, Yvonne is slinging me
cash every week for her
housekeeping. Which...
I can't accept that. I'm not
accepting that if Ellie's working.
~ Did she even speak to her mother
last night? ~ No idea.
Do you just not talk to each other
at all? About anything?
Hello?!
~ Right, well, I'll have to bang on
about it at her, then! ~ Feel free!
I'll see her later. I'm on a shift!
After I've done every bloody thing
else for every bugger else!
What's up with Celia
and me grandad?
What IS up with Celia
and your grandad?
They're sat at breakfast table
not speaking to each other.
Has something happened?
~ They were up in t'night,
I heard 'em. ~ No, I don't think...
Is one of 'em ill?
No. No. Nothing like that.
Just...
It turns out I've got a brother.
A half brother...
that I didn't know about.
How?
~ HE LAUGHS
~ You what?!
I would like you to meet him.
You see, I think you'd like him.
He'd like to meet you.
I can't imagine why.
He's very... I don't know.
Calm.
His manner. Kindly and...
unusual. I was nervous about going to
meet him. But, no,
he just seemed to be wanting
to make sense of it himself,
and apologising, and saying that he
knew it was a shock for all of us.
He were being very grown-up
about the whole thing, I suppose.
And you want me
to be grown-up about it, too?
Well?
Either we can move forward together,
or...
I don't know what
the alternative is.
Maybe I should go and stay
with Caroline for a few days.
Caroline knows, by the way.
Caroline? What the hell
does Caroline know about it?
Gillian wanted to talk to her
before she told me,
after she met him. Gary.
Anyway, she thought Caroline'd know
the best way forward.
So Kate'll know about it as well,
won't she?
~ I mean, does everybody know
except me? ~ No. No!
Well, of course I discussed it with
Kate, I'm allowed to,
she's my partner.
We tell each other things.
You see, this is what
I used to hate about your dad.
Him mucking about
and everybody knowing.
Then you find out and you realise
they've been laughing at you
behind your back.
Or else feeling sorry for you.
All who?
'Oh... Everybody, anybody,'
I don't know. You lot.
Not in this instance,
nobody's like that.
I'm so shocked, Caroline.
I thought he was different.
I thought I knew him.
I thought he was better than that.
You know, when you haven't seen
someone for 60 years,
there will be things about them
you don't know.
I love you.
I know you do.
And I think he does,
I know he does, and you know,
'this isn't about you,
and I think you need to try
'and step back from it.'
He went and met him
without telling me.
'Yeah.'
Yeah...
Did you know that?
'Yeah. Yeah. I...'
Yeah.
~ Why didn't you tell me? ~ 'I was
going to! I told Gillian, I said'
"If you don't hurry up
and tell her, I will."
Are all men rotten?
No. No.
A lot of them are, but I don't
think Alan's one of them.
If I thought he was I'd have driven
straight over there two days ago and
ripped his pacemaker out
and shoved it...
where the sun doesn't shine.
He hasn't got a pacemaker.
'No, I know, I know. I just...'
I thought it sounded good.
But I would.
'If I thought for one second that he
was taking the mickey
'out of you, I'd deal with him.'
I don't think he is.
I think he's a good man.
I think he's made a mistake and
I bet he's doing his damnedest now
to make things right, because I
would imagine that he is terrified.
~ 'Terrified of losing you.'
~ You're very wise.
'Hm...'
I wonder who I get that from?
Not me.
You're right to be upset.
He was unfaithful to his wife.
That's something that's going to
bring back a lot of unpleasant
memories for you,
but it was a long time ago.
'That's not an excuse,
but it really
'isn't a reflection
on you personally, is it?
'Can you see that?'
I know you're shocked, I know you're
upset, and come over here for
a few days on your own if you want
a bit of time to yourself but...
you don't really want to lose Alan,
Mum, do you?
Have I buggered everything up?
DOOR CLOSES
You've been a while.
I went for a little drive
onto the tops.
We were worried you
weren't coming back.
I rang Caroline.
Is she all right?
Mmm. Kate's sick of John
being around the house all day.
But Lawrence likes him being there,
so she's finding it difficult
to tell him to sling his hook.
But, no, nothing else fresh.
I really don't want to be
small-minded about this.
I'm not Kenneth, Celia.
It happened once.
I were ashamed of it, I regretted it,
and it never happened again.
OK.
I'd almost forgotten it'd happened.
Happen I blacked it out,
I don't know.
Right.
Are we friends?
Course we're friends.
I googled him.
~ Sorry? ~ Gary! I googled him.
You know I said it looked like
he'd done all right for himself?
Well, he has. He's owns Cafe Rapido.
Mobile coffee shops, mobile baristas.
Vans selling coffee,
and pastries, and cakes,
like at railways stations
and football matches,
and, well, you'll have
seen 'em around.
~ I've never been to a football match.
~ They're all over!
He started off with one van
when he were 18,
and now he has whole fleets of 'em,
up and down the country.
He's an entrepreneur,
he's a multi-millionaire.
~ Is he? ~ He supports all sorts of
charities and good causes.
He owns
Huddersfield Town Football club!
Do you want to have a look?
Let me see
if I can find it again for you.
THEY TALK
You and me need to be having
a proper conversation
at some point, lady.
~ Gillian! ~ Cheryl.
~ How's yourself?
~ Yeah... I'm all right.
Bless. I've heard the news.
Which?
That you and Robbie's been
at it behind my back.
Anything you'd like to say to me?
I, er...
You don't know
what I'm talking about?
No, I'm sorry,
that's not going to wash.
It were Robbie
that telled me hisself.
Bit of a domestic about the kitchen.
Him not wanting to spend money,
and me saying, "Well, this is just a
breeding ground for bacteria,"
then one thing led to another
and it all came tumbling out.
So, what I'd like to suggest is,
next time you're making whoopee,
if you could just ask him
to wear one of these cos, obviously,
I personally don't want to be
picking up anything unpleasant.
Oh, as well, if you're so desperate
for sex that you need to borrow
other people's fellas,
let me give you this.
Yep, so...
there we go.
Have a nice day. Mind how you go.
Careful now, don't get too close,
or she'll have your kecks off.
I know, and with
a face like a bust shoe.
She must be releasing the right
sort of pheromones, eh?
Oh, I like your shoes!
DILDO VIBRATES AUDIBLY
SHE SWITCHES TO HIGHER VIBRATION RATE
DILDO VIBRATES EVEN FASTER
So I said "Fine.
"You can shove your job where
monkeys shove their nuts."
~ I've had enough being talked to
like crap. ~ Well... what happened?
Nothing.
Just... him saying how I'm always
trouble.
Me! I know.
Always late.
Really? Twice in the last...
month.
Always mouthing off, apparently.
Only because I'm sticking up
for people, other people,
against him being
a fascist dictator.
I said, I told him,
"My father was a union man.
"I'm not apologising."
Then him just going on about
how I'm always...
Whatever, so I just said
"Fine. Fine. You know what?
"Fine. For me, this is win-win."
So you lost your job.
No, I... I resigned.
How is it win-win?
I get time off and I don't have to
listen to that jackass
telling me what to do any more.
Oh, you pillock.
Where's Celia?
Oh. She was here
before I nodded off.
Is the Lexus outside?
Yeah.
Celia?!
I'm just upstairs!
~ Did you tell her? ~ Yeah.
~ Yeah. And? ~ She's fine.
Fine how?
Obviously, it were a shock
to start with. But, I don't know,
Caroline seemed to talk some
sense into her.
Yeah, and,
come and have a look at this.
I googled him.
Do you realise who he is?
You'll not believe it.
He's a real mover and a shaker.
You'll not credit
what he's achieved.
~ Blimey. ~ Yeah.
God!
~ Huddersfield Town? ~ He owns it.
Maybe he'll give me a job,
cutting the Astroturf.
Well, ask him. I rang him,
we're all going to tea on Friday.
~ Tea? ~ Supper. Dinner. A meal.
Seven for seven-thirty.
~ I'll have to tell Raff. ~ Yeah, I...
Already told him.
He heard you get up in the night,
~ and he was worried you were ill,
so I... ~ How did he...?
Oh, he thought it was "well cool"
I think were the exact words.
The fact that you'd been unfaithful
to my mother appeared to go
right over his pretty little head.
But then again he's a bloke, so...
What you doing?
I'm going to Harrogate. Hello, love.
~ Celia. ~ I don't want to make a fuss.
I'm happy for you to go and have
dinner with this Gary.
I can see you're all excited about
it and I understand why,
he's obviously a very
successful young man,
but I personally would
find it difficult. So...
If it's all right with everyone
here, I'd rather be in Harrogate.
Celia, it's not because he's
successful, it's because he's,
well, he's flesh and blood.
Yes, well, whatever it is,
he'll understand...
He was particular in
wanting to meet you.
It's you he's interested in.
And that's fine. Like I say,
I don't want to be
small minded about it. But, equally,
you'll understand
if I don't want to be there.
And, anyway, it's the wedding
the next day and she might want me
over there Friday night in case
there's anything wants doing.
OK, I won't go.
No. You're going,
I'm not having that.
You're going.
BAGS RUSTLE
WINE BOTTLES CLINK
I thought I might cook
this evening for everyone
as a sort of thank you.
I bought steak.
You're not a vegetarian, are you?
No. I can't do nuts,
but other than that...
I bought this.
Sweet, isn't it?
I always wanted a girl.
I mean, I love the boys, obviously,
I wouldn't swap them. But, secretly,
I always wanted a little girl, too.
But Caroline didn't want to have
any more after the boys came along.
I'm really sorry about
what's happened, John.
Yes.
I know you are.
You've both been very kind.
Do you want some tea?
Oh, yeah, Mum.
What's this about you
and a vibrator and some condoms?
I said not to say owt!
So actually you got sacked, in fact.
~ I resigned. ~ She resigned.
~ What happened? ~ Nothing.
~ Cheryl came in the shop. Apparently.
~ I wouldn't have told you about it
if I thought you were going to
be horrible!
And repeat it in front
of your grandad!
KNOCK ON DOOR
~ I'll go. ~ What happened?
I wouldn't have, Gillian.
What happened?
There was an incident at work
involving Cheryl.
Who clearly has some form
of borderline personality disorder
and who got the wrong
end of the stick. Yet again!
So, what happened?
DILDO VIBRATES AUDIBLY
I can't turn it off.
~ Carry on! ~ Perhaps we should have
a chat, Gillian? In my office.
~ Are you all right?
~ Yeah, I'm fine.
So, he said it was a final warning,
and I resigned.
NO, hang on. Why would Cheryl
do something like that?
~ Because she's deranged. ~ And she's
thick. Not that she can help it.
I heard about what happened
and I just wanted to say sorry.
I should've er... I should've warned
you that she, er...
.. that she...
Anyway, she's moved out, she's gone.
Why?
Er...
Oh...
You've...
Don't you ever, EVER pull that face
at me again, young man.
~ Why? What has...? Oh.
~ I did tell you.
~ Yeah. ~ You told HIM? When?
We've been invited out for tea
to Gary's.
Gary? Oh...
So...
OK. Blimey.
~ So she's moved out? ~ Yup.
We need to be setting off.
~ Sorry. OK. Well, look I'll...
catch up with you later. ~ Yeah.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
'So, they're going.'
He's fair smitten with him.
He said he felt like he knew him
when he met him.
Soon as he clapped eyes on him,
he said he felt like
he'd "always known him."
Which, I mean how can you?
It's Gillian I feel sorry for.
Losing her job and then Alan
all excited about this fella
being a multi-millionaire.
Obviously, it's complicated for...
She's obviously got very mixed
feelings about him herself,
but, oh, no, Alan's blind to it.
On the one hand, he's saying
he's ashamed he ever had this...
relationship, and, on the other,
he seems to think
this fella's the best thing
since sliced bread.
THUNDER RUMBLES
Talk about the pot
calling the kettle black.
~ Eh? ~ Oh, no... ~ Oh, yes!
All these years.
Listen, and I wasn't the other
woman. She was.
Me and Robbie, we just had
a bit of a blip, that's all,
cos of that loud-mouthed, alcoholic
bitch sticking her neb in.
Which?
~ Judith. ~ We're not going to parade
all this in front of Gary, are we?
What, all our dirty linen?!
Oh, hell, no.
We don't want him
thinking any of us have sex, do we?
Eh, Grandad?
THEY LAUGH
~ Where the hell are we? ~ We're lost.
~ I think it looks dead creepy.
~ So do I.
~ God, this is dank. ~ I'm wondering
if that was a wrong turn.
That first one we took way back
when we came off main road.
Oh, now he says it!
~ CRASHING SOUND
~ Shit. What was that?
Oh, we're all right. Keep going.
The worst thing that can happen
is we'll end up in Slaithwaite.
~ It's like we're in The Rocky Horror
Picture Show. ~ Yeah.
Do you think Uncle Gary's
a transvestite, Mum?
~ LAUGHTER
~ From Transsexual Transylvania?
~ Hey, there's a light.
~ Eh? Where?
~ Over at the Frankenstein place. ~ No.
~ No, there really is a light, look.
Wow.
Look. Good lord.
Oh, my God.
Blimey.
GENTLE LAUGHTER
I was 17, this was in summer 1983
and I had FIVE part-time jobs.
~ And one of them was in... ~ Five? Why?
~ How? ~ I don't know, I was saving up
to go to university.
~ He never went. ~ I didn't need to,
hadn't time, and one of them...
~ You didn't hear that.
Do you know Luigi's?
Cafe on George Square
in the middle of Halifax,
~ I used to wash up there.
~ Thank you. ~ Anyway,
there was this old Gaggia
machine in the stock room upstairs,
been there for years gathering dust,
it was defunct, it was ancient,
God knows why he never threw it out,
but I reckoned I could fix it up
and I offered him £5 for it,
and he laughed and said,
"Gary, you take it, I give
you £5 to take it away".
LAUGHTER
~ That's an Italian accent if you
were... ~ Yeah. ~ .. wondering.
So, but, at the same time,
my grandad, my mum's dad,
he retired, he was retiring,
he was a painter and decorator
and he had this old van he'd
used for years and years,
it was dropping to pieces
and I said, "Can I have it?"
And he said, "Gary lad, I'll give
you £10 to take it away". So...
I've got a coffee machine and a van.
What are you going to do?
~ You're going to put them together,
aren't you? ~ Inevitably. Obviously.
~ That was, in fact, my idea.
~ Well, she says this.
Because it's true.
So, where did you two meet?
Ah, well, there's another story.
You know Tyson's, the company
that makes security alarms
and security equipment
down in Sowerby Bridge?
Well...
LAUGHTER
~ Know what I mean?
~ THEY CHAT INDISTINCTLY
Now... And this is a first edition?
No, not quite, no. God knows what
that would be worth, no.
This is the first edition in
America, with, look...
The publisher's misattribution on
the title page to Charlotte Bronte.
Isn't that, you know...
~ .. amazing? ~ Amazing.
FAINT RUMBLE OF THUNDER
I'm SO excited that we've met, Alan.
I feel like I need to know
everything, everything about you,
~ and I want you to know
everything about me. ~ Yeah, well...
.. we will, lad. We will.
ALARM CLOCK BEEPS
ALARM STOPS
Good morning.
Oh, hello.
How long have you been up?
I couldn't get comfortable.
Then I got heartburn, again.
Then I had to get up to
pee, about 19 times.
And then I got all excited,
thinking about being married to you.
Aww.
Aren't you simple?
Just think,
in just over three hours' time we'll
be shackled to each other forever.
Have you chosen a poem?
I might have.
I don't want to be the only one
reading out a poem.
~ I might have written one.
~ Have you? ~ Might have.
No, have you?
My love is like a hot water bottle.
That's so flattering, Caroline.
My love is like a thermal vest.
God, you've really
missed your metier, haven't you?
Shall I compare thee
to my Jeep Cherokee?
Go on, then.
Thou art more...
More...?
Built like a tank and guzzles diesel
like it's going out of fashion?
Yeah, OK. I've not thought
that one through.
Yeah, well, you've got three hours.
Caroline.
Caroline?
FOOTSTEPS AND DOOR CLOSES
Eh, I'm thinking
I might wear this suit.
It's the one I wore
when we got wed first time
~ in register office in Halifax.
~ Right.
What about you?
What about me?
Well, what are you wearing?
I'm not going.
What do you mean?
I can't stand there, smiling.
Nobody's going to thank me
if I stand there looking like
a wet weekend.
Well, I think you should make
an effort.
~ It's Caroline's big day...
~ Big day?
~ Getting married to another woman?
~ But...
You were just saying how nice it were
when Kate popped round.
Yeah, well, that was yesterday.
Oh, Celia...
Don't let this other
business spoil...
~ Where did you do it?
~ What?
Sex. You and Mary?
I'm not going there...
I'm assuming you couldn't take her
back to your house,
because Gillian
and Eileen would be there.
And who did she live with?
Her mum and dad,
~ so that wouldn't have been
an option. ~ I don't want...
In a stationery cupboard at Jessops?
In the back of your car?
Fumbling about with her knickers.
In the same car, possibly,
that you'd brought Gillian back from
the hospital in when she was born.
Then going back to Eileen...
.. smelling of HER.
I'm not Kenneth.
The night Caroline was born,
the night I lost all that blood
and I had to have that transfusion.
I found out afterwards he'd been
having it off with someone else.
Kenneth, that same night.
I was in hospital, I nearly died,
and he was off,
shagging one of his tarts.
Do you know what that does to you?
To your self-esteem?
Have you any idea?
And the year Gillian was born...
.. you're mucking about
with somebody's secretary.
~ Ten minutes, then we'd better...
~ Yeah.
You nervous?
Are you?
~ Can I tell you something?
~ What?
Can I tell you how grateful
I am to you, for...
.. giving me the strength
and the courage to...
.. stop hiding.
You're magnificent.
You're very pretty.
Do you remember that day?
That was so mad!
Snogging in your office.
THEY LAUGH
It was more than a snog, pal.
I had my hand inside your bra.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Alan. It's open!
~ Good morning! ~ Yes. Hello, love.
Very smart!
Oh, yes. Well...
We've, I've...
There's a problem with your mum.
KNOCKING AND DOOR OPENS
Mum, you need to get dressed.
He's no better than your father.
~ Mum, I want you to get dressed.
~ Did you hear what I said?
~ I did. However,
today isn't about that. ~ Look...
.. please don't take this
the wrong way,
~ but you don't mind
if I don't come, do you? ~ Yes.
Yes, I do, actually.
I really want you to be there.
I'd only make everyone miserable.
You'll make ME miserable
if you don't come.
But Kate's mother's not going
to be there.
That's because she's in America.
She's working, she's going to come
and spend the summer with us,
all the more reason
why you SHOULD be there.
I was fair looking forward to it.
I'd bought an outfit.
~ And a hat.
~ Good, put them on.
Oh, Mum.
You've got to separate
what's between you and Alan
from this, today.
Because they're not connected.
I really want you to be there,
Mum.
Mum. Get dressed.
You'll have a nice day
with your friends.
Do you remember when I got
my doctorate? The degree ceremony.
And you didn't come. My dad turned
up, and I said, "Where's mum?",
and he looked a bit apologetic
and he said, "Oh she's not here".
You'd obviously had an argument.
And I was really rude to him.
I said...
"Well there's no point you being
here if she's not here".
And it really hurt him, I could see.
He'd bothered to come all that way
and you hadn't,
and I was rude to him. It was the
biggest day of my life
and you weren't there cos you'd had
an argument with him
about God knows what, but I
certainly
wasn't part of the
equation
when you decided not to come.
It was always me that took
an interest in everything you did,
not him.
The facts on that occasion would
suggest otherwise.
I'd looked forward to that day
so much.
I'd imagined it, I'd imagined you,
both of you, in Oxford -
taking you out for lunch,
showing you round my college,
introducing you to my friends.
I had no idea you weren't
coming until
I saw my dad on his own
down Cornmarket. I was devastated.
I was gutted. I know you've had
an upset,
but these things are not connected
and if you do this to me again,
then there's absolutely no point
in pretending that we
have any kind of a relationship.
Please, Mum. Get dressed.
Right.
All right?
What is this...? Brilliant.
Where's Lawrence?
I don't know.
I expect he'll come with the others.
We've decided we're
going to get married.
Right.
'You know my date with Gary?
'Wasn't me he was interested in.
'He thinks you had
a fling with his mother.
~ 'And that you're his dad.'
~ I didn't know there'd been a child.
~ Are you all right?
~ Judith's, erm, she's...
She's lost the baby.
It's been awful.
~ I got your text. ~ It's true.
They can't expect you to sell
your house in 28 days!
How else is he going to raise
that kind of money?
~ What's up? ~ Nothing.
Someone is going to have
to tell my mother at some point,
and, if none of you do, I will.
He'd like to meet you.
~ Gary? ~ Alan. Hello.
~ It's a bit of a shock. ~ Yes.
For both of us. For all of us.
I mean, Gillian, too.
Yes. Yes.
I didn't sleep much last night.
Yeah...
I didn't want to, erm...
I just...
Sorry. I realise I don't actually
have anything to say as such.
It's just, I was intrigued to meet
you. To see you, I suppose.
That's all.
She never told me she was...
Your mum, she never...
Did Gillian tell you?
Gillian's lovely, by the way.
Oh! Well.
So funny. So sweet.
So uncomplicated.
Her heart's in the right place.
So, what was he upset for?
I thought he never wanted it.
Well, no. He didn't.
I don't know, I've had all this
second-hand from Caroline.
Still, I suppose
if it was nearly full-term.
God knows what
she must have gone through.
Are they even together still?
I mean, were they ever,
really actually?
After a certain point?
God knows.
She's cleared off, anyway.
She's gone to live with her sister
in St Albans.
And he's been sleeping
in Caroline's spare room again.
~ Apparently. ~ Really? ~ Hm.
She's very good to him, Caroline,
given what a bugger he's been.
If it was me, he'd not darken
the doorstep ever again.
No. No. No.
How...
Can I ask how you met?
Erm... Well, I married Eileen,
Gillian's mum in 1957.
But the woman
I really wanted to marry,
the woman I was in love with,
she'd stood me up.
Except she hadn't.
She left me a message.
Only I never got it.
Celia.
That's right.
I was very fond of Eileen.
But, truth is,
I got engaged to her on the rebound.
I don't think we'd have
called it that then,
and I certainly wasn't aware that
that's what I was doing.
But... yeah.
Then I met your mum.
At Jessops Chemicals.
Up Huddersfield.
She was a secretary.
And she reminded me of Celia.
The second I saw her,
everything about her,
the way her eyes lit up
when she smiled.
Way she walked.
I felt that same feeling I felt
when I was with Celia. It was...
I don't know.
Like... the world lit up.
And we were weak, we were daft,
we were old enough to know better,
it shouldn't have happened.
But it did.
Then she left.
And I never saw her again.
Did you TRY to see her again?
No.
I suppose... if I HAD known...
.. I'd like to think that
I'd have done the right thing.
It would have been more complicated,
obviously.
No, she should have told me.
She should have told me at the time.
How ever difficult it might have
been for everybody.
So you're not coming to this...
"wedding" then?
She did ask me.
Only I said we were busy.
And aren't you?
I don't think she really
wanted me there.
I think she only invited me
cos she thought she should.
I think you're being
a bit sensitive.
If she didn't want you, she wouldn't
ask you, you know what she's like.
Who else is going?
William's coming up from Oxford,
a few people from school,
a couple of her pals from Oxford,
and I don't know
about Kate's family.
It's only small, it's all a bit last
minute, not everyone's available.
Our Muriel's in Corfu, sadly.
So... John's living at the house.
And Kate's on leave now,
so she's at home all day...
with John.
Well, yeah. Presumably.
Cos he's never at work, is he?
I don't know why they pay him.
Contractions are good.
They're painful, but
they're on your side.
Your contractions happen
when your uterus contracts,
and that's what dilates,
or opens, the cervix.
Now, dads.
During labour,
you may find it distressing to see
your partner in so much pain.
Is this your first, not your first?
It's... it's... it's not my first.
It's Kate's first.
So you'll know what I'm talking
about. It is distressing,
but you just being there, gently
encouraging her to keep going,
that is so important.
It's... it's not actually mine,
as such, I'm just...
Kate's my wife's girlfriend.
OK...
So, let's talk about pain relief.
We're back!
Dad!
Ooh, my feet.
~ Calamity, you're getting heavier by
the hour. ~ I'm making you some tea.
Well...
.. I think I've spent up, Alan!
You'd better not have.
Not if we're thinking about this
Australasian adventure.
~ Are we serious? ~ I am if you are.
Why are we whispering?
Is it a secret?
No...
So, have you been busy?
No. No. No.
Right, I'll pop all this lot
upstairs, then I can relax.
~ Can you manage? ~ Oh, yes.
Tea? Coffee? Jaeger bomb?
Tea, thanks, love.
Have you had a nice time?
Clothes shopping
with my mother-in-law.
Step-mother.
Yeah, yeah.
It was a bit of a laugh.
~ How did you get on? ~ Fine.
~ Yeah? ~ Like you said,
he seems like a very nice fella.
Yeah. Yeah.
~ He's odd. ~ What?
~ I felt like I knew him. ~ Yeah.
~ Yeah. ~ So did I.
~ From the moment I saw his face.
~ So, what did he say,
what did he want? ~ Nothing.
~ I didn't think he did. I think he
just... ~ Just wanted to talk, yeah.
I wish I could've stopped with
him longer, but...
Any road, he asked me
if we'd like to go have a meal.
Meet Felicity. His wife.
Oh, so he is married, then?
Yeah. They've two girls.
He meant all of us -
you, me, Raff, Ellie, Calamity.
Celia.
He said he'd like to meet Celia.
I said...
"Well, I haven't told her yet."
So...?
Oh, I don't know.
You have got to tell her. I had
Caroline on t'phone
a couple of days ago and
she said if we... If you don't tell
Celia, she will.
What the hell were you doing
telling Caroline for?
I told you! And, look,
she wasn't being nasty.
To be fair to her, it's cos
she knows how upset Celia was
when she found out about Kenneth.
Knowing she'd been...
cheated on. Lied to.
And isn't it best to be honest?
Really? And coming from you sooner
rather than later.
I told Caroline you wanted
to meet him first.
And then you'd tell her. Celia.
She was fine with that.
But now you have met him...
So...
OK.
~ So? ~ Yeah, I'll tell her.
~ When? ~ Soon.
Soon!
Well, why did you let him
go with you?
Because... I don't know!
He just tagged along and, of course,
I was daft enough to feel
sorry for him.
I should've said,
right in front of everyone,
"She's not your wife, she's your
ex-wife John, you're divorced."
~ Yes, you should've done.
~ "She's my wife's girlfriend."
"She's my wife. Very nearly.
And you're..." I don't know.
A friend of the family.
Well. No. He's more than that,
he's the father of...
Still...
.. we don't need to split hairs.
"I know you've had an upset.
But can I just be blunt?
"You really, really need
to move out, John.
"Before me and Caroline
get married".
Yes, well, good.
You should've said it.
He's got all that money
we've begged, borrowed,
and stolen to buy his half of the
house. What's the problem?
I don't think we've stolen
anything, have we?
Whatever.
What is the problem? Just say it.
Can't you?
Sure.
~ Yes! ~ Damn.
I'll deal with it later.
I WILL deal with it later.
They're... playing a game.
If I go into labour,
he comes nowhere near that hospital.
Course he won't!
What's the matter?
I don't know.
I don't know,
maybe I'm just frightened.
Don't be frightened.
I'm not that much younger
than Judith.
Judith's an alcoholic.
What if there's something
wrong with it?
There won't be. Why would there be?
And if there is, we'll deal with it.
But there won't be. So.
And you WILL get rid of him?
I will ask him...
to leave.
Oh, God. I ought to ring my mum.
MOBILE RINGS
Hello?
'Mum, hi. It's me. How are you?'
~ Very well, love.
~ 'Good. Good. Good, how's Alan?'
Alan? He's fine.
Caroline says, "How's Alan?"
He's fine, love.
'Good. So, er...'
Good. So I've got nothing fresh
that I can think of. Have you?
'No... I don't think so.'
~ Have we got anything fresh, Alan?
~ No. No. No
WHISPERS: He's not told her.
'We thought we'd drive over'
on Friday,
the day before the wedding,
'then if there's anything
you want doing, I can help out.'
Right. Good. Thank you.
DOOR SLAMS SHUT
Is that Ellie?
~ IN BACKGROUND: Did you decide
on your outfit? ~ Hello, love.
~ Where've you been?
~ Supermarket. Greenhough's.
~ Not answering your phone.
~ Oh, have ya been ringing?
~ Oggy said you had an argument
with Mr Epplewhite. ~ I did.
~ Which one's he?
~ BOTH: Politics.
I told him he can shove his course
work up his arse,
and I've left,
and I've got a job at Greenhough's.
You can't do that!
Well, I just did.
You can't NOT do your A-levels.
What's happened?
Well, no, I can. Not do them.
And then I can earn some money.
Have you spoken... Have you talked
to your mum about it?
No way, she's enough on worrying
about me grandad.
~ Right, well, I think you need to.
~ It's none of her business.
No, Ellie, it is!
She's going to be very upset
if you're going to drop
out of doing your A-levels.
You can't work at Greenhough's.
~ That's just a job, it's not a
career. ~ You're a clever lass!
You don't want to just go
chucking it all down the drain.
No, listen, it's good!
It's full-time!
He said I can go on a fast-track,
he said I can be a store manager
in a couple of years
if I put the hours in and play my
cards right,
~ there's all sorts of opportunities.
~ Wow(!)
It's money, Raff.
It's not being
dependent on every-bloody-body.
It isn't like I've got that many
people to be dependent on now
with me Grandad being such a loony!
I still think you need to
ring your mother!
Hang on,
I can't hear what you're saying,
they're all just shouting
at each other at this end.
Can I speak to Gillian?
Erm...
Yeah, I think so, hang on. Gillian!
It's Caroline.
What's happened? What's going on...?
Hiya, Caz.
He hasn't told her.
No, no, no, not yet.
'He needs to tell her.'
I know. He will.
He needs to tell her soon.
Yes. I know, I agree with you,
I'm working on it.
MOUTHS
I do like Kate, you know.
I suppose if Caroline had to be that
way, she could've done a lot worse.
It's funny, isn't it? Babies.
They're always welcome
when they come.
Even when they're unexpected.
Like our little Calamity.
And now there's this other one.
I know there's something
bothering you.
I wish you'd let on what it is.
Is it Harry and that damned silly
mess he's got himself into?
Well, what, then?
I've had a bit of news.
What news?
I've been in two minds about
whether to tell you or not.
~ What news?
~ It's not, I'm not ill, I...
I suppose there's a lot about
each other we still don't know,
isn't there?
~ SHE LAUGHS
~ Is there?
Well, 60-odd years
not seeing someone,
there's bound to be one or two...
What? One or two what?
It turns out I've got
a skeleton in the cupboard.
What do you mean?
One I never even knew I had.
Well, not...
What? What is it?
Oh, I don't care what it is, Alan.
You can tell me anything.
Nothing's worth making yourself
ill over, just tell me.
Just say it, just spit it out.
You'll think I'm like Kenneth.
How could you ever be like Kenneth?
I've got a lad.
A son.
A boy I never knew I had.
Well, I call him "lad."
He's a man now.
You see...
I had a bit of a fling.
When?
Years ago.
Before you were married?
No.
So, I don't want to make excuses.
It happened. It shouldn't have.
But I didn't know
there'd been a child.
When?
Year our Gillian were born.
Only as I say, I've only just...
The year Gillian were born?
But you'd been married nine years
when Gillian... was born.
Who was she?
You wouldn't know her.
They lived up Siddal.
Mary.
She were called Mary. Mary Kershaw.
Came to work at Jessops.
She were the secretary.
She, um...
She had the look of you.
The year Gillian was born,
you were...?
Did Eileen know?
No. It's like I'd said to Gillian,
it stopped before it started.
~ It was never...
~ So what does Gillian know about it?
Her date. On Valentine's Day.
It weren't a date as such.
It were him.
How long did it go on?
It didn't.
Long enough to get her pregnant.
Only the once.
Then she left. I never saw her again.
I had no idea she were...
So, what does he want, this Gary?
Nothing. He just wanted to meet me.
And are you going to?
Well, the thing is...
I already have.
I met him this morning when
you and Gillian went shopping.
And he's a grand fella, Celia.
And he's very keen to meet you.
Genuinely.
He's the sort of person
who genuinely seems to be
~ interested in people. He...
~ So, hang on.
He just rang out of the blue,
this morning,
when Gillian and me
just happened to be out shopping?
No. No. No, he, we, it were...
It were arranged.
Gillian arranged it.
Oh, so you were just getting me
out of the way?
No!
Look...
~ It were delicate... ~ Where?
Where did you meet him?
~ In a cafe. ~ Right.
I understand you'd probably rather
I'd told you first...
I'd rather you didn't lie to me
about what you were doing.
But, obviously, I were worried
about how you'd react.
You see, this is what adultery does
to people, it turns them into liars.
Well, no wonder you couldn't
have little Calamity,
no wonder we had to trail
her round with us.
It's been difficult,
knowing the right thing to do
and the right order to do stuff in.
And of course Gillian's been upset.
But not above colluding
with you about deceiving me.
Nobody wanted to deceive you!
It was just about knowing when
and how to tell you.
Well...
You've told me now.
Have you seen Ellie?
Yeah, she were up at 6:15,
she was off to catch the 6:50 bus.
She's to be at Greenhough's
at half past.
She didn't discuss this wi' me
at all, nothing.
~ You need to be communicating
with each other more. ~ No shit!
I'm not being an unpaid nanny
if she's out earning money.
That is not the way the world works,
this isn't cloud cuckoo land.
Also, plus, Yvonne is slinging me
cash every week for her
housekeeping. Which...
I can't accept that. I'm not
accepting that if Ellie's working.
~ Did she even speak to her mother
last night? ~ No idea.
Do you just not talk to each other
at all? About anything?
Hello?!
~ Right, well, I'll have to bang on
about it at her, then! ~ Feel free!
I'll see her later. I'm on a shift!
After I've done every bloody thing
else for every bugger else!
What's up with Celia
and me grandad?
What IS up with Celia
and your grandad?
They're sat at breakfast table
not speaking to each other.
Has something happened?
~ They were up in t'night,
I heard 'em. ~ No, I don't think...
Is one of 'em ill?
No. No. Nothing like that.
Just...
It turns out I've got a brother.
A half brother...
that I didn't know about.
How?
~ HE LAUGHS
~ You what?!
I would like you to meet him.
You see, I think you'd like him.
He'd like to meet you.
I can't imagine why.
He's very... I don't know.
Calm.
His manner. Kindly and...
unusual. I was nervous about going to
meet him. But, no,
he just seemed to be wanting
to make sense of it himself,
and apologising, and saying that he
knew it was a shock for all of us.
He were being very grown-up
about the whole thing, I suppose.
And you want me
to be grown-up about it, too?
Well?
Either we can move forward together,
or...
I don't know what
the alternative is.
Maybe I should go and stay
with Caroline for a few days.
Caroline knows, by the way.
Caroline? What the hell
does Caroline know about it?
Gillian wanted to talk to her
before she told me,
after she met him. Gary.
Anyway, she thought Caroline'd know
the best way forward.
So Kate'll know about it as well,
won't she?
~ I mean, does everybody know
except me? ~ No. No!
Well, of course I discussed it with
Kate, I'm allowed to,
she's my partner.
We tell each other things.
You see, this is what
I used to hate about your dad.
Him mucking about
and everybody knowing.
Then you find out and you realise
they've been laughing at you
behind your back.
Or else feeling sorry for you.
All who?
'Oh... Everybody, anybody,'
I don't know. You lot.
Not in this instance,
nobody's like that.
I'm so shocked, Caroline.
I thought he was different.
I thought I knew him.
I thought he was better than that.
You know, when you haven't seen
someone for 60 years,
there will be things about them
you don't know.
I love you.
I know you do.
And I think he does,
I know he does, and you know,
'this isn't about you,
and I think you need to try
'and step back from it.'
He went and met him
without telling me.
'Yeah.'
Yeah...
Did you know that?
'Yeah. Yeah. I...'
Yeah.
~ Why didn't you tell me? ~ 'I was
going to! I told Gillian, I said'
"If you don't hurry up
and tell her, I will."
Are all men rotten?
No. No.
A lot of them are, but I don't
think Alan's one of them.
If I thought he was I'd have driven
straight over there two days ago and
ripped his pacemaker out
and shoved it...
where the sun doesn't shine.
He hasn't got a pacemaker.
'No, I know, I know. I just...'
I thought it sounded good.
But I would.
'If I thought for one second that he
was taking the mickey
'out of you, I'd deal with him.'
I don't think he is.
I think he's a good man.
I think he's made a mistake and
I bet he's doing his damnedest now
to make things right, because I
would imagine that he is terrified.
~ 'Terrified of losing you.'
~ You're very wise.
'Hm...'
I wonder who I get that from?
Not me.
You're right to be upset.
He was unfaithful to his wife.
That's something that's going to
bring back a lot of unpleasant
memories for you,
but it was a long time ago.
'That's not an excuse,
but it really
'isn't a reflection
on you personally, is it?
'Can you see that?'
I know you're shocked, I know you're
upset, and come over here for
a few days on your own if you want
a bit of time to yourself but...
you don't really want to lose Alan,
Mum, do you?
Have I buggered everything up?
DOOR CLOSES
You've been a while.
I went for a little drive
onto the tops.
We were worried you
weren't coming back.
I rang Caroline.
Is she all right?
Mmm. Kate's sick of John
being around the house all day.
But Lawrence likes him being there,
so she's finding it difficult
to tell him to sling his hook.
But, no, nothing else fresh.
I really don't want to be
small-minded about this.
I'm not Kenneth, Celia.
It happened once.
I were ashamed of it, I regretted it,
and it never happened again.
OK.
I'd almost forgotten it'd happened.
Happen I blacked it out,
I don't know.
Right.
Are we friends?
Course we're friends.
I googled him.
~ Sorry? ~ Gary! I googled him.
You know I said it looked like
he'd done all right for himself?
Well, he has. He's owns Cafe Rapido.
Mobile coffee shops, mobile baristas.
Vans selling coffee,
and pastries, and cakes,
like at railways stations
and football matches,
and, well, you'll have
seen 'em around.
~ I've never been to a football match.
~ They're all over!
He started off with one van
when he were 18,
and now he has whole fleets of 'em,
up and down the country.
He's an entrepreneur,
he's a multi-millionaire.
~ Is he? ~ He supports all sorts of
charities and good causes.
He owns
Huddersfield Town Football club!
Do you want to have a look?
Let me see
if I can find it again for you.
THEY TALK
You and me need to be having
a proper conversation
at some point, lady.
~ Gillian! ~ Cheryl.
~ How's yourself?
~ Yeah... I'm all right.
Bless. I've heard the news.
Which?
That you and Robbie's been
at it behind my back.
Anything you'd like to say to me?
I, er...
You don't know
what I'm talking about?
No, I'm sorry,
that's not going to wash.
It were Robbie
that telled me hisself.
Bit of a domestic about the kitchen.
Him not wanting to spend money,
and me saying, "Well, this is just a
breeding ground for bacteria,"
then one thing led to another
and it all came tumbling out.
So, what I'd like to suggest is,
next time you're making whoopee,
if you could just ask him
to wear one of these cos, obviously,
I personally don't want to be
picking up anything unpleasant.
Oh, as well, if you're so desperate
for sex that you need to borrow
other people's fellas,
let me give you this.
Yep, so...
there we go.
Have a nice day. Mind how you go.
Careful now, don't get too close,
or she'll have your kecks off.
I know, and with
a face like a bust shoe.
She must be releasing the right
sort of pheromones, eh?
Oh, I like your shoes!
DILDO VIBRATES AUDIBLY
SHE SWITCHES TO HIGHER VIBRATION RATE
DILDO VIBRATES EVEN FASTER
So I said "Fine.
"You can shove your job where
monkeys shove their nuts."
~ I've had enough being talked to
like crap. ~ Well... what happened?
Nothing.
Just... him saying how I'm always
trouble.
Me! I know.
Always late.
Really? Twice in the last...
month.
Always mouthing off, apparently.
Only because I'm sticking up
for people, other people,
against him being
a fascist dictator.
I said, I told him,
"My father was a union man.
"I'm not apologising."
Then him just going on about
how I'm always...
Whatever, so I just said
"Fine. Fine. You know what?
"Fine. For me, this is win-win."
So you lost your job.
No, I... I resigned.
How is it win-win?
I get time off and I don't have to
listen to that jackass
telling me what to do any more.
Oh, you pillock.
Where's Celia?
Oh. She was here
before I nodded off.
Is the Lexus outside?
Yeah.
Celia?!
I'm just upstairs!
~ Did you tell her? ~ Yeah.
~ Yeah. And? ~ She's fine.
Fine how?
Obviously, it were a shock
to start with. But, I don't know,
Caroline seemed to talk some
sense into her.
Yeah, and,
come and have a look at this.
I googled him.
Do you realise who he is?
You'll not believe it.
He's a real mover and a shaker.
You'll not credit
what he's achieved.
~ Blimey. ~ Yeah.
God!
~ Huddersfield Town? ~ He owns it.
Maybe he'll give me a job,
cutting the Astroturf.
Well, ask him. I rang him,
we're all going to tea on Friday.
~ Tea? ~ Supper. Dinner. A meal.
Seven for seven-thirty.
~ I'll have to tell Raff. ~ Yeah, I...
Already told him.
He heard you get up in the night,
~ and he was worried you were ill,
so I... ~ How did he...?
Oh, he thought it was "well cool"
I think were the exact words.
The fact that you'd been unfaithful
to my mother appeared to go
right over his pretty little head.
But then again he's a bloke, so...
What you doing?
I'm going to Harrogate. Hello, love.
~ Celia. ~ I don't want to make a fuss.
I'm happy for you to go and have
dinner with this Gary.
I can see you're all excited about
it and I understand why,
he's obviously a very
successful young man,
but I personally would
find it difficult. So...
If it's all right with everyone
here, I'd rather be in Harrogate.
Celia, it's not because he's
successful, it's because he's,
well, he's flesh and blood.
Yes, well, whatever it is,
he'll understand...
He was particular in
wanting to meet you.
It's you he's interested in.
And that's fine. Like I say,
I don't want to be
small minded about it. But, equally,
you'll understand
if I don't want to be there.
And, anyway, it's the wedding
the next day and she might want me
over there Friday night in case
there's anything wants doing.
OK, I won't go.
No. You're going,
I'm not having that.
You're going.
BAGS RUSTLE
WINE BOTTLES CLINK
I thought I might cook
this evening for everyone
as a sort of thank you.
I bought steak.
You're not a vegetarian, are you?
No. I can't do nuts,
but other than that...
I bought this.
Sweet, isn't it?
I always wanted a girl.
I mean, I love the boys, obviously,
I wouldn't swap them. But, secretly,
I always wanted a little girl, too.
But Caroline didn't want to have
any more after the boys came along.
I'm really sorry about
what's happened, John.
Yes.
I know you are.
You've both been very kind.
Do you want some tea?
Oh, yeah, Mum.
What's this about you
and a vibrator and some condoms?
I said not to say owt!
So actually you got sacked, in fact.
~ I resigned. ~ She resigned.
~ What happened? ~ Nothing.
~ Cheryl came in the shop. Apparently.
~ I wouldn't have told you about it
if I thought you were going to
be horrible!
And repeat it in front
of your grandad!
KNOCK ON DOOR
~ I'll go. ~ What happened?
I wouldn't have, Gillian.
What happened?
There was an incident at work
involving Cheryl.
Who clearly has some form
of borderline personality disorder
and who got the wrong
end of the stick. Yet again!
So, what happened?
DILDO VIBRATES AUDIBLY
I can't turn it off.
~ Carry on! ~ Perhaps we should have
a chat, Gillian? In my office.
~ Are you all right?
~ Yeah, I'm fine.
So, he said it was a final warning,
and I resigned.
NO, hang on. Why would Cheryl
do something like that?
~ Because she's deranged. ~ And she's
thick. Not that she can help it.
I heard about what happened
and I just wanted to say sorry.
I should've er... I should've warned
you that she, er...
.. that she...
Anyway, she's moved out, she's gone.
Why?
Er...
Oh...
You've...
Don't you ever, EVER pull that face
at me again, young man.
~ Why? What has...? Oh.
~ I did tell you.
~ Yeah. ~ You told HIM? When?
We've been invited out for tea
to Gary's.
Gary? Oh...
So...
OK. Blimey.
~ So she's moved out? ~ Yup.
We need to be setting off.
~ Sorry. OK. Well, look I'll...
catch up with you later. ~ Yeah.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
'So, they're going.'
He's fair smitten with him.
He said he felt like he knew him
when he met him.
Soon as he clapped eyes on him,
he said he felt like
he'd "always known him."
Which, I mean how can you?
It's Gillian I feel sorry for.
Losing her job and then Alan
all excited about this fella
being a multi-millionaire.
Obviously, it's complicated for...
She's obviously got very mixed
feelings about him herself,
but, oh, no, Alan's blind to it.
On the one hand, he's saying
he's ashamed he ever had this...
relationship, and, on the other,
he seems to think
this fella's the best thing
since sliced bread.
THUNDER RUMBLES
Talk about the pot
calling the kettle black.
~ Eh? ~ Oh, no... ~ Oh, yes!
All these years.
Listen, and I wasn't the other
woman. She was.
Me and Robbie, we just had
a bit of a blip, that's all,
cos of that loud-mouthed, alcoholic
bitch sticking her neb in.
Which?
~ Judith. ~ We're not going to parade
all this in front of Gary, are we?
What, all our dirty linen?!
Oh, hell, no.
We don't want him
thinking any of us have sex, do we?
Eh, Grandad?
THEY LAUGH
~ Where the hell are we? ~ We're lost.
~ I think it looks dead creepy.
~ So do I.
~ God, this is dank. ~ I'm wondering
if that was a wrong turn.
That first one we took way back
when we came off main road.
Oh, now he says it!
~ CRASHING SOUND
~ Shit. What was that?
Oh, we're all right. Keep going.
The worst thing that can happen
is we'll end up in Slaithwaite.
~ It's like we're in The Rocky Horror
Picture Show. ~ Yeah.
Do you think Uncle Gary's
a transvestite, Mum?
~ LAUGHTER
~ From Transsexual Transylvania?
~ Hey, there's a light.
~ Eh? Where?
~ Over at the Frankenstein place. ~ No.
~ No, there really is a light, look.
Wow.
Look. Good lord.
Oh, my God.
Blimey.
GENTLE LAUGHTER
I was 17, this was in summer 1983
and I had FIVE part-time jobs.
~ And one of them was in... ~ Five? Why?
~ How? ~ I don't know, I was saving up
to go to university.
~ He never went. ~ I didn't need to,
hadn't time, and one of them...
~ You didn't hear that.
Do you know Luigi's?
Cafe on George Square
in the middle of Halifax,
~ I used to wash up there.
~ Thank you. ~ Anyway,
there was this old Gaggia
machine in the stock room upstairs,
been there for years gathering dust,
it was defunct, it was ancient,
God knows why he never threw it out,
but I reckoned I could fix it up
and I offered him £5 for it,
and he laughed and said,
"Gary, you take it, I give
you £5 to take it away".
LAUGHTER
~ That's an Italian accent if you
were... ~ Yeah. ~ .. wondering.
So, but, at the same time,
my grandad, my mum's dad,
he retired, he was retiring,
he was a painter and decorator
and he had this old van he'd
used for years and years,
it was dropping to pieces
and I said, "Can I have it?"
And he said, "Gary lad, I'll give
you £10 to take it away". So...
I've got a coffee machine and a van.
What are you going to do?
~ You're going to put them together,
aren't you? ~ Inevitably. Obviously.
~ That was, in fact, my idea.
~ Well, she says this.
Because it's true.
So, where did you two meet?
Ah, well, there's another story.
You know Tyson's, the company
that makes security alarms
and security equipment
down in Sowerby Bridge?
Well...
LAUGHTER
~ Know what I mean?
~ THEY CHAT INDISTINCTLY
Now... And this is a first edition?
No, not quite, no. God knows what
that would be worth, no.
This is the first edition in
America, with, look...
The publisher's misattribution on
the title page to Charlotte Bronte.
Isn't that, you know...
~ .. amazing? ~ Amazing.
FAINT RUMBLE OF THUNDER
I'm SO excited that we've met, Alan.
I feel like I need to know
everything, everything about you,
~ and I want you to know
everything about me. ~ Yeah, well...
.. we will, lad. We will.
ALARM CLOCK BEEPS
ALARM STOPS
Good morning.
Oh, hello.
How long have you been up?
I couldn't get comfortable.
Then I got heartburn, again.
Then I had to get up to
pee, about 19 times.
And then I got all excited,
thinking about being married to you.
Aww.
Aren't you simple?
Just think,
in just over three hours' time we'll
be shackled to each other forever.
Have you chosen a poem?
I might have.
I don't want to be the only one
reading out a poem.
~ I might have written one.
~ Have you? ~ Might have.
No, have you?
My love is like a hot water bottle.
That's so flattering, Caroline.
My love is like a thermal vest.
God, you've really
missed your metier, haven't you?
Shall I compare thee
to my Jeep Cherokee?
Go on, then.
Thou art more...
More...?
Built like a tank and guzzles diesel
like it's going out of fashion?
Yeah, OK. I've not thought
that one through.
Yeah, well, you've got three hours.
Caroline.
Caroline?
FOOTSTEPS AND DOOR CLOSES
Eh, I'm thinking
I might wear this suit.
It's the one I wore
when we got wed first time
~ in register office in Halifax.
~ Right.
What about you?
What about me?
Well, what are you wearing?
I'm not going.
What do you mean?
I can't stand there, smiling.
Nobody's going to thank me
if I stand there looking like
a wet weekend.
Well, I think you should make
an effort.
~ It's Caroline's big day...
~ Big day?
~ Getting married to another woman?
~ But...
You were just saying how nice it were
when Kate popped round.
Yeah, well, that was yesterday.
Oh, Celia...
Don't let this other
business spoil...
~ Where did you do it?
~ What?
Sex. You and Mary?
I'm not going there...
I'm assuming you couldn't take her
back to your house,
because Gillian
and Eileen would be there.
And who did she live with?
Her mum and dad,
~ so that wouldn't have been
an option. ~ I don't want...
In a stationery cupboard at Jessops?
In the back of your car?
Fumbling about with her knickers.
In the same car, possibly,
that you'd brought Gillian back from
the hospital in when she was born.
Then going back to Eileen...
.. smelling of HER.
I'm not Kenneth.
The night Caroline was born,
the night I lost all that blood
and I had to have that transfusion.
I found out afterwards he'd been
having it off with someone else.
Kenneth, that same night.
I was in hospital, I nearly died,
and he was off,
shagging one of his tarts.
Do you know what that does to you?
To your self-esteem?
Have you any idea?
And the year Gillian was born...
.. you're mucking about
with somebody's secretary.
~ Ten minutes, then we'd better...
~ Yeah.
You nervous?
Are you?
~ Can I tell you something?
~ What?
Can I tell you how grateful
I am to you, for...
.. giving me the strength
and the courage to...
.. stop hiding.
You're magnificent.
You're very pretty.
Do you remember that day?
That was so mad!
Snogging in your office.
THEY LAUGH
It was more than a snog, pal.
I had my hand inside your bra.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Alan. It's open!
~ Good morning! ~ Yes. Hello, love.
Very smart!
Oh, yes. Well...
We've, I've...
There's a problem with your mum.
KNOCKING AND DOOR OPENS
Mum, you need to get dressed.
He's no better than your father.
~ Mum, I want you to get dressed.
~ Did you hear what I said?
~ I did. However,
today isn't about that. ~ Look...
.. please don't take this
the wrong way,
~ but you don't mind
if I don't come, do you? ~ Yes.
Yes, I do, actually.
I really want you to be there.
I'd only make everyone miserable.
You'll make ME miserable
if you don't come.
But Kate's mother's not going
to be there.
That's because she's in America.
She's working, she's going to come
and spend the summer with us,
all the more reason
why you SHOULD be there.
I was fair looking forward to it.
I'd bought an outfit.
~ And a hat.
~ Good, put them on.
Oh, Mum.
You've got to separate
what's between you and Alan
from this, today.
Because they're not connected.
I really want you to be there,
Mum.
Mum. Get dressed.
You'll have a nice day
with your friends.
Do you remember when I got
my doctorate? The degree ceremony.
And you didn't come. My dad turned
up, and I said, "Where's mum?",
and he looked a bit apologetic
and he said, "Oh she's not here".
You'd obviously had an argument.
And I was really rude to him.
I said...
"Well there's no point you being
here if she's not here".
And it really hurt him, I could see.
He'd bothered to come all that way
and you hadn't,
and I was rude to him. It was the
biggest day of my life
and you weren't there cos you'd had
an argument with him
about God knows what, but I
certainly
wasn't part of the
equation
when you decided not to come.
It was always me that took
an interest in everything you did,
not him.
The facts on that occasion would
suggest otherwise.
I'd looked forward to that day
so much.
I'd imagined it, I'd imagined you,
both of you, in Oxford -
taking you out for lunch,
showing you round my college,
introducing you to my friends.
I had no idea you weren't
coming until
I saw my dad on his own
down Cornmarket. I was devastated.
I was gutted. I know you've had
an upset,
but these things are not connected
and if you do this to me again,
then there's absolutely no point
in pretending that we
have any kind of a relationship.
Please, Mum. Get dressed.
Right.
All right?
What is this...? Brilliant.
Where's Lawrence?
I don't know.
I expect he'll come with the others.