Last Tango in Halifax (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript
Happen we should...
..just get on with the wedding,
and not tell anyone until
it's all over and done with.
I've never been a best man.
It's something I'd like to do,
once, before I die.
When I come back we really do
need to work out what's what
and whose is what,
and all the rest of it.
I think I'm a little bit
in love with you.
I need to tell you this thing.
She slept with John.
It's just a disappointment, isn't it?
An ongoing disappointment.
Who? Ellie. Girlfriend.
She's not my girlfriend.
Gillian's coming.
Gillian?
Yes. Oh, and Kate's moving in.
They've got an appointment to get
married at 11 o'clock this morning.
KEYS RATTLE
How long will it take?
Oh, I don't know.
Not long, I shouldn't think.
DOOR OPENS
This is Dave.
He's kindly agreed
to be our other witness.
This is, er, Celia.
How do you do?
And this is Azeem.
Do you know how long
it's going to take?
Er... Half an hour? 20 minutes?
About that, yeah.
I'm wondering if you'd be
better off finding somebody else.
Oh. Sorry.
Are you on duty? Is he on duty?
He shouldn't be wasting
half an hour being a witness
in a Registry Office
if he's on duty. I don't mind.
Would you be all right finding
somebody else if I do bugger off?
Well, yeah, obviously, I'll have to.
What if I gave you a £20 note?
Oh. Well...
Yeah. OK.
A £20 note?
Yeah. Each? Yeah.
Not between us. Yeah, both of you.
Well, that's sorted!
And now we're ready!
He's a policeman!
He shouldn't be fleecing pensioners.
And Azeem obviously
needs to be somewhere else.
You're fine, love.
I'll just say I got delayed.
Do you know Paul Jatri?
Should I?
Celia Dawson and Alan Buttershaw?
Yeah, that's us. Oh, that's us.
Are you ready to come up?
Yep, yeah.
I'm not too late?
Alan Buttershaw and Celia Dawson?
Just...just up the stairs.
And could you just confirm your
date of birth for me, please, Alan?
15th December, 1936.
No, fine, you carry on!
Don't tell us.
We don't mind.
We're just your daughters.
Is Caroline here?
No, Celia. She isn't,
because you can't get
from Harrogate to Halifax
in the space of 15 minutes.
Not unless you're Captain Spock,
and you can disappear up your own
backside in a cloud of glitter
with a cheesy sound effect, and land
on another planet two seconds later.
I don't think even Caroline
can do that. I may be wrong.
She means Mr Spock.
Who's he?! That's Azeem.
"Halifax's Finest Halal."
Rawson Street, just on here.
Well, it's not mine,
it's me uncle's.
How did you know...?
Down the side of the settee.
I thought...
I didn't know what to think.
And you know what, Dad?
It's fine. You go live in Harrogate
with your posh pals,
don't bother speaking to me
for two weeks,
don't invite me to your
f... bloody wedding.
We used to talk to each other.
Do you remember?
Before you had your head turned.
Don't you start on Celia.
I suppose it hasn't occurred to you
to ask why...?
I don't want to hear
your crappy little excuses.
Y-you would never have done
something like this before!
You would never not have
thought about me and Raff.
But that's fine,
if that's the way
they do things in Harrogate.
Enjoy.
Have you any, ANY idea how worried
and upset I've been, eh?
You haven't a f...
bloody clue!
Are we, er...
carrying on, then, or what?
Oh, damn. I feel a bit shaken now.
Would you like a few minutes?
Just to gather your thoughts?
Maybe I should ring Caroline.
That's up to you.
Have a seat.
She'll be busy.
I haven't turned your head, have I?
Ignore her. Oh, damn.
It must have fallen out of my pocket.
It was just meant to be
a bit of fun, you see,
getting married in secret.
Well, and romantic.
And we were just going to
tell 'em all afterwards.
We thought they'd think
it was funny.
We thought they'd be pleased for us.
It doesn't seem the same now,
if they know.
Well, they do know, clearly.
We weren't doing it just for effect.
We are actually in love
with each other.
We have been since we were kids.
I don't think we should let it
make any difference.
SHE SOBS
SHE SNIFFS
PHONE RINGS
SHE GROANS
Oh, you can do one.
'I can't take your call just now,
but if you leave a message,
I'll ring you back.'
Gillian, it's Caroline. I'm sorry
I couldn't talk properly earlier,
I was just, erm...
Are you all right?
Look. Ring me if you want to,
I'm sure it's... They'll just...
Oh, I don't know. I'll try you
again in a bit, OK? Bye-bye.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Caroline? John's on the phone.
Put him through.
PHONE RINGS
'Ello, 'ello.
'Hiya.'
You all right? 'Been better.'
What time's your dinner break?
John.
It's me. 'Yes.'
Hello? 'Can I talk to you?'
Yes. No, I meant face-to-face.
When? Sooner rather than later.
Are you having a lunch break today,
or just working through?
What do you want to talk about?
'Me. Us. Everything.'
I can give you half an hour
at 1:30 if it's important.
Where? 'Well, it'd have to be here,
in my office.'
I think you're over-reacting.
He thinks the sun shines out
of her arse, and I'm just scum.
Well, he might think the sun...
whatever,
but why does that mean
he suddenly thinks that you're scum?
Oh, just...
He's taken up with her,
he's in love.
It's nice.
You can't be jealous.
I'm not jealous!
Well, what is it then?
Well, is it normal,
not inviting any of your nearest
and dearest to your wedding?
Well... I could understand
you being upset
if they'd invited Caroline
and not you, but they didn't.
They obviously wanted
this little secret...do.
I think it's romantic.
I think Caroline's right, they just
want... Oh, f... Bloody Caroline.
What's up with Caroline?
I thought you were mates? Nothing!
She walks on water.
She's perfection in human form.
And I'm just braindead
low-life trailer-trash. Oh, yes.
Is there something else going on?
He's been in Harrogate two weeks.
I've rung him four or five times,
because I'm worried about him,
and he knows I am,
and he barely has time
to speak to me.
And when he does it's all very...
tepid.
Have you argued about something?
No. Have you said something
that's upset him? No!
SHE SIGHS
I think she thinks
I'm a bit of a one.
Which I might be, sometimes.
But so what? Me dad's never minded
before. Well, he has, but...
I think she thinks our house
is a right muck-hole,
I can tell by t'look on her face.
It's a farm! Get over it.
Just cos I'm not sodding...perfect
like Caroline.
Do you want me to ring him? No.
No. Oh, it's...
No.
Shall we get married
and not tell anyone?
I don't know what's happening to me.
I don't know who I can... I can't...
There's no-one I can...
What do you want?
I didn't mean...
I meant generally, in life, now.
What do you want?
Focus on the future, not the past.
I want you. I want everything
to go back like it was.
Right.
I've moved on.
You are going to have to get used
to that, and when you do...
My publisher's dropped me.
Really? Really?
Yeah. Oh, shit.
Well, I'm...
God, I'm sorry.
I've squandered everything that
mattered. I don't recognise myself.
Could you get more work
at the university?
Yes, that's... It's...
I can ask. But...
Would you like some tea?
DOOR OPENS
I may have...
..over-reacted.
You going to say anything? It were
just meant to be a bit of fun.
Bit of an adventure.
Nobody was excluding anybody...
as such. It were just...
Yeah, right.
Why would you think
it was all about you?
I didn't tell Caroline.
Cos of...
Cos of that what you said
last time I saw you...
about me mother.
And then you don't speak to me
for two weeks, hardly.
And I have to rely on Caroline,
this woman who...
let's be honest, I hardly know.
Having the courtesy to pick up
the phone to me
to know you're not...
back in hospital, or worse.
We came up wi' t'plan
before we ever even had
that conversation about your mum.
We just didn't want a fuss, love.
Your dad didn't, and neither did I.
It were nothing to do with anything
else. This is between me and him.
I really would appreciate you
not speaking to Celia like that.
I don't believe you anyway.
Right.
You don't...
You don't want a fuss? Fine.
But why would you not want to share
all of that with any of us?
With Raff, with your mates?
Not just me.
I mean, Harry and Maurice were
wetting themselves, they were...
I've said what I've said.
It's t'truth.
If you're not prepared to accept it,
there's very little I can do.
What have you done to him?
He didn't used to be like this.
You'll be voting for Snooty Dave
and his chums soon, Dad.
You'll be buying the Daily Mail.
I think we better go.
Back to Harrogate, is it?
I'll phone you when we arrive so
you'll know we've got there safely.
If you've time.
I don't know how you can fashion
talking to your dad like this,
when you know how poorly he's been.
Don't go...Dad.
Well...
the thing is, we're married now,
so...
You did it?
Yeah, course we did it!
So I'm going back to Harrogate
with Celia,
because that's always
what t'plan were.
Plan were to come and tell you
first, because you're here,
and Caroline second,
because she's there.
We had a bit of a debate
about that, the logistics.
Because we didn't want Caroline
to feel she was any less important.
But we couldn't think of a way
round it...short of telephoning,
but we wanted to see people's faces
when we told them,
because...I thought
they'd be happy for us.
Right.
Well, if you'd had us all there
you could have seen all our faces
all at the same time, but obviously
that wasn't what you wanted.
Well...
perhaps we have made a mistake.
Well, we have, clearly,
because this doesn't resemble,
in any way shape or form, the
happy moment we hoped it might be.
SHE SNIFFS
I'm sorry.
I've over-reacted.
If I hadn't found that card,
I'd never have known,
and you'd have just turned up
all happy, and I'd have...
probably been very happy to see you.
But still...pissed off
that you hadn't spoken to me
properly for two weeks.
Yes, you don't have to remind me
that there was a...
reason for not speaking to me.
PHONE RINGS
Hello? 'Mum? It's me.'
Hiya. Is it all right
if I bring Ellie home?
For tea?
'Ellie?' Yeah.
She's not a vegetarian
or anything dozy, is she?
Well, actually, yeah, she is.
'Right, well,
I might have a carrot somewhere.
'Your grandad's got married.'
Me grandad?! 'Yeah.'
What?!
Yeah. 'When?'
This morning. The jammy old b...!
Were you there? Who were there?
Nobody. Nobody was there.
WHISPERS: Me grandad's got married!
How come?
ELLIE LAUGHS
Your grandad?
Is she laughing?
ELLIE GIGGLES
Married?
Well, I don't know
whether they actually did.
Granny's got her mobile
permanently on voice mail,
so you know as much as me.
Ring Alan's mobile.
I don't think I've got his number.
Ring Gillian again.
I've rung her four times.
I don't think she's speaking to me.
Why? Oh, she was upset
because they hadn't invited us,
whereas I thought, well,
I wouldn't have time to go anyway.
Yes, you would! Kate,
I haven't got time to get divorced,
never mind going
to other people's weddings.
You are going to find time
to get divorced. Where's Dad?
He's at Judith's, I expect.
I don't know.
Angus said he saw him
in school today.
Yes, he was. Briefly.
Why? We had something to discuss.
Angus said he looked hungover.
Yes, well, Angus has
a very fertile imagination.
What did he want to discuss?
I'll tell you later.
I know why they didn't invite us.
Why?
It's not rocket science, is it?
You don't think they didn't
invite anyone because of me?
Us. You and me.
What makes you think that?
Thanks.
What's she like?
The lady he's married.
She's kind of glamorous.
How?! Me grandad thinks she is.
And look at that car
she persuaded him to buy.
Well, he's mesmerised by her,
isn't he? She's nice. She's funny.
She's a bitch. What you on about?
That's a bit strong.
He'd never have had that heart
attack if she hadn't been so nasty
and small-minded...about Caroline.
She's got this daughter.
She's posh. Really brainy,
really clever. Really nice.
On what planet is Caroline "nice"?!
She is!
That night Celia and me grandad
went missing,
she was really supportive
and kind... She was the one
sat in this very chair,
blubbing her eyes out, going,
"Oh, I've been depressed."
It was me, me, f...
bloody me.
Do you mind not swearing
at the dining table, Mother?
Do you mind not cracking these
people up to be things they're not?
She's got a doctorate
in chemistry from Oxford.
So what?! I bet she doesn't
know how to deliver
breached twin lambs
at 3:00 in the morning,
in a blizzard.
I bet she does.
THEY GIGGLE
HE SIGHS
Well, Mrs Buttershaw.
Well, Mr Buttershaw.
It's been quite a day.
Every day with you
seems to be quite a day,
one way or another.
I can't remember what I did with
myself all day before I met you.
No, I don't think I can.
I just used to fart about
and do bugger all.
Oh, I'm quite fond of farting about
and doing bugger all.
I think it relaxes you.
"Hobbies include farting about
and doing bugger all."
I might put it on my CV.
Have you got one?
Have I hell!
I don't need one,
I'm a woman of leisure.
And means. Have been
for some significant time.
I'm quite a catch, let's face it,
in oh so many ways.
And modest, too. Hell, no!
When did being modest
ever get you anywhere?
So.
So...
The wedding night! Hmm.
60 years later than anticipated,
maybe, but...
Well worth the wait.
Well, we'll find out, won't we?
THEY LAUGH
Had we not better knock on
Caroline's door first?
Oh, God.
I wonder what Gillian's told her?
CORK POPS
Where's Kate?
Oh, she's gone home. Just tonight,
just to sort out a few things.
And the boys?
William's got a job in town,
washing up in a restaurant.
Good for him! He won't be back
until gone midnight.
And Lawrence is upstairs sulking.
Oh, why?
Cos I've taken him off at the knees,
I wiped the floor with him.
What's he done? He's upset Kate.
Why, what's he said?
Apparently - I didn't hear it, I
was trying to fathom the gas bill -
he said the reason you hadn't
invited any of us to the wedding
wasn't rocket science, it was
because you didn't want Kate there.
Cheers! Congratulations!
Here's mud in your eye.
Which I said was nonsense.
It is nonsense.
It were nowt to do with anyone else,
it was just meant to be a bit of...
A bit of fun! I know. As long as
we're clear that it is nonsense.
It's nonsense. And you can
tell her that from me.
Or you can tell her yourself
the next time you see her. Right.
Right.
So, just out of interest,
now you're married,
where were you thinking of living?
Ah, well... We've not really...
..that's one of the things, you see.
We were getting that bogged down
in t'practicalities
of this, that and t'other,
we ended up thinking,
"Well, we'll never get wed
at this rate."
OK, well, I'm just going to
run this past you.
John's publisher's
given him the shove.
Oh, shit!
So, this is the thing...
He can't afford to buy me out,
my half, my share,
which I always imagined he could,
but he can't, so, wahey.
Anyway, now I'm contemplating ways
in which I can buy him out,
rather than...sell up,
which, obviously, is an option.
OK...
I've not had the house valued yet,
but based on what I imagine
we'd be looking at, and if you did
want to live in the flat together...
We'd have to make a contribution?
It's... That's...
I have already put money
into this house.
The bottom line...
unless a number of factors kick in,
financially,
is that we would have to sell up.
What sort of figure would you be
looking for from me?
From us.
100,000.
One along here sold for 850,000
a few weeks ago, it's ridiculous.
And you could afford
the rest yourself?
No, I was going to ask Kate.
Ask Kate what?
To sell her house.
I haven't said anything to her yet.
I wanted to talk to you first.
Look, don't... Nobody has to make
any instant decisions. I just...
It's the boys, you see, as well.
I'd like to be able
to give them that stability,
at least until they've finished
their education, and...
Oh, God, I'm sorry!
It's your wedding night. I shouldn't
be inflicting all that on you now.
We'll talk about it tomorrow.
Take this.
Oh, thank you.
Could you give us a minute?
Eh? Oh, yes. Yes, of course I can.
Thank you, Caroline.
It's a pleasure.
I'll see you in t'morning.
I'll see you in the morning.
What?
It wasn't about Kate,
us getting married like this.
It hadn't occurred to me.
It was because of what
the consultant said
that morning Alan left hospital.
What do you mean?
We just wanted to get it done with,
quickly, with as little fuss
as possible.
Why?
Look, you're not to say anything.
He won't talk about it.
He likes to pretend
there's nothing wrong with him,
and we just got married
for a bit of fun.
Which we did!
And Gillian doesn't know this.
What?
A sensible approach is the key,
Mr Buttershaw,
because, not to put too fine
a point on it,
you wouldn't survive
another heart attack.
Even a relatively small one.
Oh, good Lord. Yeah.
Yeah.
I just wanted you to know.
And you can tell Kate, so she knows.
It really wasn't
about anything else.
I need to tell you something.
How's she getting home?
Can she stop? Here?
Yeah. Tonight? Yeah. No.
You can give Ellie
a lift down Ripponden
when you go, can't you, Robbie?
Yeah. I'll be setting off
in about half an hour or so. Sorted.
Right.
OK. Well...
the thing is...
She's pregnant.
It's mine.
She's eight months.
She told her mum and dad
and they went mad.
They've chucked her out.
Has something happened?
'Not... No, not... Well, yeah, yeah.
'Something's... Raff's got himself
into a bit of bother.'
It's nowt to worry about, Dad.
I don't want you getting stressed.
Just...it might benefit him
if you're around a bit, that's all.
If... if you...
Right. OK. Well, we can pop over.
Who is it? Gillian.
That'd be...
'Can you give me general, erm...?'
It's... It's... It's...
He's wanting to leave school,
and chuck his life down the drain.
Like I did. And I don't want him to.
Why? Why's he suddenly
thinking of doing that?
I thought he was doing very well
with his A-levels?
'He is! He is.
'It's...a bit complicated,
and there's a girl involved.
'It's...a man thing.'
It's best if you come over,
if you can.
I'm going to have to drive over
to Halifax. Is Robbie not around?
You can't drive, you're not allowed.
Bugger that.
'You're the only person
he ever really listens to.'
I'll drive you.
Sell my house? I know it's mad. But
you see, I think this is working,
you and me, don't you?
Well... There's Lawrence.
And the ever-constant threat
of John dropping by,
pissed, with Judith.
I'm dealing with all that.
And your mum.
Although maybe Celia and Alan will
want to go and live somewhere else
anyway, now they're married.
Well, no, thing is I'd probably need
her input as well, financially.
So she'd be staying?
Well, I... I think she's been on a
steep learning curve. Really, I do.
They'd probably spend most of
their time over at Gillian's anyway.
I don't know. Fine. I'm not saying
no. I shouldn't have asked.
CHILDREN SING HYMN
OK, good, it's fine, forget it,
let's not dwell on...
No. Actually...
If it was just about you and me,
I'd be worried that it was far too
quick and that you'd regret it.
Kate, I wouldn't have asked you
if I thought I'd regret it.
I like that house a lot,
but I'm not blinkered. It's...
I want to spend
the rest of my life with you.
I hope I'm not shallow enough to be
asking you for the wrong reasons.
It's just a bit sooner than we might
have anticipated. That's all.
Really? Really.
Look. Say no. If you really
think it's wrong, say no.
But think about it.
It's not something
we have to decide this second.
I can't kiss you here.
No. No. You really can't. Nope.
We'd need to know the exact figures.
Mm-hm.
I've got someone coming to give me
a valuation later this afternoon.
I'll get mine valued.
So is that...?
There's just one other thing to say.
Which I would've brought up
further down the line had things
progressed...
but seeing as we're possibly moving
forward slightly faster than...
What?
You know I'm 42 next week?
Yes. I did know that. OK.
This is equally... OK.
I want a baby.
I want to have a baby.
I've always wanted a baby.
And if we are going to do this
properly, permanently,
you need to know that.
And it's good
that it's cropped up now
because time is not on my side.
No. Caroline.
I'm serious.
You better go.
So, what's up?
Celia.
Gillian.
You know I told you
Raff's got a girlfriend?
Is this the one that blows hot
and cold? That's right.
Ellie.
The one who only bothers with him -
if she hasn't got a better
offer on the table.
Well, what about her? She's here.
She's inside.
She's pregnant.
Eight months.
They both reckon it's his.
Her mum and dad
gave her an ultimatum,
which allegedly she didn't like.
It involved
not seeing our Raff any more.
So...
Did she not...
think to get shut of it?
She didn't know she was pregnant.
She says.
She managed to convince herself
it was any number of other things.
And you can't tell till you know
to look. She's hardly showing.
So it's too late to...?
Five months too late.
I've made her an appointment
at the surgery.
I'm driving her down
in half an hour.
And...is it definitely his?
He is convinced that it's his.
But you're not to get upset.
Whatever's happened,
we'll sort it.
What's the plan?
The plan.
Well...
He's not leaving school.
I've told him.
He's a bright lad,
he's going places.
I'll do what I can for 'em, but...
I've told them in words of one
syllable, I am not a nanny.
That's two syllables.
I'm not made of money.
What about her parents?
They obviously think our Raff's
not good enough for her.
Which is interesting,
cos frankly I'd have said it was
the other way round.
Did he not take precautions?
These are the wrong questions, Dad!
The time has passed.
She's inside.
Raff's gone to school.
D'you want to come and say hello?
Ellie. This is Raff's grandad.
Hello, love. Alan.
And this is Celia.
My wife. Celia.
I've just had a bath.
Congratulations.
I think it was a bit hot.
I think I'm having like...
contractions.
Oh, heck!
We'll get her up to the hospital.
You go pick Raff up from school.
It's a mess, that's what this is.
A right total fff...sodding mess.
Yeah, I know, I know,
all right. I know!
And how do we know it's yours?
Really, eh?
We've been through this.
I told you, I know the night.
No, come on, maths -
if she's only eight months,
why's she gone into labour now?
It's early!
You so want to believe it,
don't you?
She probably isn't even
eight months, size of her!
She's never slept with anyone else.
She says. Yes. She says.
Happen you better ring
her mum and dad.
I'm not ringing her mum and dad.
Oh, well, that's grown up.
They hate me.
Well, they need to know, they need
to share some of the responsibility,
she's their daughter,
that'll be their grandchild.
Unequivocally, theirs.
Whereas I don't have the luxury
of such certain knowledge.
She wouldn't lie! Why would she lie?
Because she knows she can
rely on you, you pillock!
Cos you're
so bloody smitten with her!
So I'm reliable! And that's bad...
why?
Because you've got your whole life
ahead of you! You've got choices!
What choices will you have if
you're saddled with a baby at 17?
And it's not even yours! For sure.
She dumped you for this other lad,
who else has she been...
wriggling around with, eh?
No-one.
God, you're naive.
Yeah, and you're
a dirty-minded old cow.
I beg your pardon?
Didn't say owt.
You haven't to stress your grandad.
I'm not stressing me grandad!
If anyone'll be stressing me grandad
with shouting, it's you!
WOMAN: You're doing what?
Delivering babies.
Well, a baby.
Unless it's twins, which I'd be
very surprised, size of her.
Well... Why're you...?
What're you...? Whose is it?
That's the 64 million question.
Shall we start at the beginning?
Well, surprise, surprise,
it turns out Raff's a bit of a...
muck lump just like his mother.
And... You know what?
She insisted on Alan
racing over here.
She'll be wanting to tap money
off him.
They're already hard up,
and now with a baby on the way.
Sorry, so...?
Raff's put his girlfriend
in the pudding club.
And she's not dared tell anyone
until it's too late,
and she's just gone into labour.
Just now, just this morning,
that's why we're here.
But you needn't worry, love.
On the money front.
I'll not be taken in.
Did you talk to Kate?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
And...? Is she on board?
In... Yeah, theory.
You don't sound convinced.
No, she's... Obviously
it's a big thing to ask.
Don't take this the wrong way...
What?
Isn't it a bit soon?
To be asking her to buy a house
with you?
I know you're very fond of her, and
I'm not saying anything about that.
But you've only been together
five minutes.
I can't sell that house.
Oh, I'll have to go, love.
I'll talk to you later, bye.
Where is she?
They're through here.
He'll be here any minute.
Sorry, what was your name again?
Alan! I'm Grandad. Apparently.
Deep! Really inhale it.
Great-grandad.
Sorry?
Great-grandad.
Won't you be its great-grandad?
Oh, aye.
It's one of these.
Are you looking for someone?
Ellie. Ellie Weaver.
Just down here.
I don't want a baby.
I'm too young to have a baby.
I don't even know
what you do with babies.
You'll work it out soon enough.
What if I don't like it?
What if it's got something wrong
with it?
What if it's got more than one head?
Well, there's no sending 'em back.
It won't have.
Why haven't we evolved better?
This is medieval.
I'm going to be split in two,
I'm going to die. No you're not.
I'm not ready for this,
I'm not even here.
You're going to be absolutely fine.
Did you two get married yesterday?
We did, yes.
And not tell anyone?
That's right.
Why?
Just...to be different, really.
Romantic.
And was it?
Well...
MAN: Everybody happy.
Say cheese!
..it was memorable.
Now who've we got?
Ah, this is my grandson.
This is so weird.
And you're the father?
Yeah. You all right?
And I'm his mother.
I'm not really comfortable with
the fact that this is happening.
In fact, I'm inclined to suggest
that it isn't.
I am firmly of the opinion
that I'm not really here.
She's been at the Entonox.
Right, so, she's between three
and four centimetres dilated.
It's going to be good few hours
before the fun really starts, so...
I'm not actually her mother.
Her mother isn't actually here.
Ellie?
Have you rung your mum?
No.
D'you think you should?
Because if you don't, I will.
The night Caroline was born,
I lost three pints of blood.
I nearly died. Did you? Mm-hm.
I could feel myself
going down this tunnel.
Odd thing was, I didn't mind.
I just thought...
"So this is it,
this is what it's like."
And I nearly got to the end.
And then it got slower,
and slower.
I realised I was going backwards.
Back the way I'd come.
And that must've been when
they gave me the blood transfusion.
D'you think it is his? Raff's?
They were at a party. I asked him.
They'd been drinking.
Malibu or something. And....
I think they're genuinely
very fond of each other.
They're the same age we were
that day when you asked me out at
the top of Elizabeth Street in 1953.
D'you remember?
I'd just started at Jessops.
I had a new suit.
You'd just started at Co-op.
God.
We'd have never carried on
like that at that age, would we?
No. But they do now. So...
People had more self-respect.
Well, we hadn't had the benefit
of the swinging '60s in 1953, had we?
You're not going to make out
like it's a good thing.
I'm very good with babies.
I'm sure you are.
They tend to like me.
I don't know why.
They can probably sense
you're as daft as they are.
Yes. That'll be it.
I never thought I'd live to be
a great-grandad.
Well...
We're not entirely sure
that you are one yet. Are we?
I'd have to help 'em out.
In the money department.
If that's what's needed.
You know that, don't you?
I'm not having that lad
leaving school,
he could get in at a university,
the way he's heading.
Well, OK.
Just as long as you know that
I can't see Caroline short either.
Over this house business.
How's it going?
Slowly.
Poor kid, she's terrified.
I can't get hold of her mum and dad.
I've left messages to ring me
on both their mobiles,
and their landline, and nothing.
What's up with 'em?
They're probably in shock,
aren't they?
Same as everybody else.
Still, you'd not think they'd
turn their back on her, would you?
Perhaps they're Christians.
Listen, I've got stuff
to see to at home,
I haven't fed stock in lower field,
it won't take me long.
Can you hang about here?
Just for a couple of hours?
Just until I get back?
Just in case Raff
needs a bit of support.
Can we?
I don't think he believes it's
happening either. Course we can.
I let myself in.
What's all this?
I've collected some of my stuff
from the house.
I'm going to look at getting a flat
near the university.
What happened to digging your
heels in and pissing her off?
They've dropped me,
Kershaw and Whittle.
Francis Hilliard sent me
an e-mail last week.
They've...?
I don't know why I'm that surprised.
It's been obvious for ages
that you've lost it.
What're you talking about?
I don't even know
if you ever really had it.
"Had it." What?
That fire. That real passion.
I think you were just lucky
for a while.
You have no idea. You know...
the trouble with you is that you've
never really lived life on the edge.
Have you? You've never really
taken a risk with anything.
You've never really dared to do
anything properly dangerous.
You just...
You just fiddle-faddle around near
the boundaries a bit, don't you?
Pretending. But you never actually
push them like a real writer.
You're terrified.
Given the choice,
if she'd have you back,
you'd go crawling back to Caroline,
wouldn't you?
With your tail between your knees.
What do you want, John?
What do you really, really want?
You don't have to answer that,
I'm not really interested.
But whatever it is,
can you piss off out of my flat
and chase after it
for once in your life?
Instead of just clinging on to
what's familiar.
Do they snog? I don't know.
Do they do sex?
I don't know.
Why don't you
go and live with your dad
if Miss McKenzie's going to start
telling the boss fibs about you?
I might do.
Like I say, if you think
it's a non-starter, then I...
I mean, I do know it's a minefield.
I do know that you might not want to
go through all that again.
And certainly not with a child
that isn't... But it would be yours,
is the point, ours.
How? I mean, how would...?
Oh, well, obviously a donor. Who?
OK, so, there's this person
I was at university with.
And ever since I've not been married
to Richard any more, I've often...
occasionally thought that if I ever
did manage to have a baby,
he's someone I would ask, possibly.
Who is he?
He's called Greg.
And I went out with him for a bit
when we were at Durham.
We slept together, is the point,
so he's nice, he's clever, he's good,
he's a really good person.
He's... That's why I thought of him.
He's like you.
He's one of the grown-ups.
Why didn't you marry him?
Will you meet him?
I'm not part of the equation.
No! No. God, Caroline.
The only people
who are part of the equation
are you and me and the baby.
So...
OK, so, have you...
done any research as regards...?
We could go down the medical route.
Which is...?
Complicated. Lengthy.
And the thing is...
because I have slept with him before,
300 years ago,
we could just do it.
I mean, he might not agree
to any of this.
I think he probably would.
He's not married, he has been,
and apparently that is the best way
of getting pregnant
rather than any sort of artificial...
Has he got children
from his marriage? No.
Is he firing blanks? Oh.
Does he want children?
I don't... It's not really about
whether he wants children, is it?
It's more about whether he's willing.
Why did his marriage break down?
I don't know the ins and outs.
He's obviously someone
you keep in touch with.
Yeah. Christmas cards.
When we still did Christmas cards.
Now it's just the odd e-mail. When?
When his marriage broke down.
When mine did.
He knows about you.
I need to meet him. You will!
And this is all...
I've not discussed it with him.
He might just say no.
Maybe I shouldn't meet him.
It so isn't about him. No. It is.
I don't want you getting sperm
from just anywhere. No, course.
Do we know anyone else? No.
Why didn't you and Richard?
We did. Four times.
I lost them all.
I didn't know that.
I never got beyond 12 weeks.
Oh, God.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Caroline, if you think
it's a daft idea, just say...
I don't think it's a daft idea.
You've obviously...
thought about it a lot
and it obviously means a lot.
I mean, it's fundamental, babies,
isn't it?
Who am I to say no,
it's your life, it's your body.
no, I know. It is, but...
I wouldn't want to do it on my own.
No.
We would be talking sleepless nights
and nappies.
And years of angst
and teenage tantrums.
Oh, I can do all of that.
You're 46. It's not really what you'd
planned to do next, is it, babies?
No.
I wonder how my mother's getting on?
She was delivering a baby last time
I spoke to her.
Your mother was delivering a baby.
Well, she said she was.
Whose?
Is there anything
that woman doesn't get up to?
Somebody else'll be doing
all the hard work.
She'll just be standing
near the door making droll comments.
I think we're ready
to start pushing, Ellie!
PHONE BEEPS
Can you turn that off, please?
I'm sorry.
Can you feel the contraction coming?
Yeah!
Right, well, I want you to push.
I'm sorry, I'm going
to have to sit down.
Perhaps you could take Raff out into
the corridor for a few minutes.
Come on, lad.
What about me?
Grandad's still here.
It's all right, love!
You're doing very well.
Put your head between your knees.
I should be able to do this,
I can deliver lambs, no problem.
SHE SCREAMS
Would you like a mint imperial?
I want a thing!
I want an injection!
I want painkillers!
I want everything!
I think it'd be better
if you can do it without.
Keep pushing, love. Keep pushing!
Yeah, you just keep squeezing
Grandad's hand.
He's not me grandad!
No, I know I'm not,
but I don't mind, we can pretend.
I want my grandad.
Well, I can ring him
if you think he'll answer his phone.
Look in my phone book.
You'll have to go out
into the corridor to make that call.
What's it under?
Grandad! What do you think?
Good, it makes sense.
And what's his name?
Harry. Harry Wallace.
Harry Wallace is your grandad?!
What's up with that?
Nothing. We're...
Hurry up! Get him rung!
Hello?
Gillian.
Speaking.
How's things? Why?
Just wanted to
run something past you.
Quickly.
OK. Well. I know you said
you're seeing Robbie.
But frankly...I think you and me
both know that's just a disaster
waiting to happen.
Really? Really.
You also indicated that you were
in need of some sort of investment...
in the farm.
Your publisher's just dumped you,
I'm not thick.
Caroline wants to buy
my half of the house.
I think we'll be looking at...
400, 450,000. Cash.
You think you can just buy me?
No. I just thought...
Are you doing anything this weekend?
What did y'have in mind?
Anything. All sorts.
Can we have this conversation later?
What are you doing here?
It's a girl. Six pound, three ounces.
Did you know?
Ellie's my grandaughter. This is
her mum, my daughter, Yvonne.
Yvonne, Gillian.
I've been ringing you.
We had no idea. We didn't even
know that she was pregnant.
She said you'd chucked her out.
She never even told us!
Did you not get my messages? I've
been in meetings all day at work,
I only got wind of it
when Dad phoned my secretary.
Alastair's going to go mad,
he's going
to go through the bloody ceiling.
Has your son never heard of condoms?
Eh, don't you start on my son.
What's your daughter doing putting
it about so much? Now, steady on.
We don't even know it is Raff's.
Keep calm. And you an' all.
So...it's a girl?
They're just giving her
a few stitches, Ellie,
then we can go and have a look.
PHONE BEEPS
Yeah, but it's a bit interesting
that she did lie, isn't it?
Don't you make judgement about me,
about my family.
Nobody's making judgement, love.
I'm just saying.
It's a bit interesting
that she couldn't tell her own mum.
Are you listening to this? Dad!
I'm staying out of it.
Well, we've got married
and had a baby in just 48 hours.
We're on fire.
We're cooking with gas.
There's no stopping us.
You're...
It's poisonous
saying something like that,
you don't even know us,
you don't know me.
You know she doesn't like you.
Shit-stirrer.
Don't you dare!
Oh, they know it all, don't they?
Except how to avoid
getting pregnant.
I want to be somebody's mum.
It's true, she does want a baby.
How?
It's going to get very confused
about who its mother is.
Ambulance.
..just get on with the wedding,
and not tell anyone until
it's all over and done with.
I've never been a best man.
It's something I'd like to do,
once, before I die.
When I come back we really do
need to work out what's what
and whose is what,
and all the rest of it.
I think I'm a little bit
in love with you.
I need to tell you this thing.
She slept with John.
It's just a disappointment, isn't it?
An ongoing disappointment.
Who? Ellie. Girlfriend.
She's not my girlfriend.
Gillian's coming.
Gillian?
Yes. Oh, and Kate's moving in.
They've got an appointment to get
married at 11 o'clock this morning.
KEYS RATTLE
How long will it take?
Oh, I don't know.
Not long, I shouldn't think.
DOOR OPENS
This is Dave.
He's kindly agreed
to be our other witness.
This is, er, Celia.
How do you do?
And this is Azeem.
Do you know how long
it's going to take?
Er... Half an hour? 20 minutes?
About that, yeah.
I'm wondering if you'd be
better off finding somebody else.
Oh. Sorry.
Are you on duty? Is he on duty?
He shouldn't be wasting
half an hour being a witness
in a Registry Office
if he's on duty. I don't mind.
Would you be all right finding
somebody else if I do bugger off?
Well, yeah, obviously, I'll have to.
What if I gave you a £20 note?
Oh. Well...
Yeah. OK.
A £20 note?
Yeah. Each? Yeah.
Not between us. Yeah, both of you.
Well, that's sorted!
And now we're ready!
He's a policeman!
He shouldn't be fleecing pensioners.
And Azeem obviously
needs to be somewhere else.
You're fine, love.
I'll just say I got delayed.
Do you know Paul Jatri?
Should I?
Celia Dawson and Alan Buttershaw?
Yeah, that's us. Oh, that's us.
Are you ready to come up?
Yep, yeah.
I'm not too late?
Alan Buttershaw and Celia Dawson?
Just...just up the stairs.
And could you just confirm your
date of birth for me, please, Alan?
15th December, 1936.
No, fine, you carry on!
Don't tell us.
We don't mind.
We're just your daughters.
Is Caroline here?
No, Celia. She isn't,
because you can't get
from Harrogate to Halifax
in the space of 15 minutes.
Not unless you're Captain Spock,
and you can disappear up your own
backside in a cloud of glitter
with a cheesy sound effect, and land
on another planet two seconds later.
I don't think even Caroline
can do that. I may be wrong.
She means Mr Spock.
Who's he?! That's Azeem.
"Halifax's Finest Halal."
Rawson Street, just on here.
Well, it's not mine,
it's me uncle's.
How did you know...?
Down the side of the settee.
I thought...
I didn't know what to think.
And you know what, Dad?
It's fine. You go live in Harrogate
with your posh pals,
don't bother speaking to me
for two weeks,
don't invite me to your
f... bloody wedding.
We used to talk to each other.
Do you remember?
Before you had your head turned.
Don't you start on Celia.
I suppose it hasn't occurred to you
to ask why...?
I don't want to hear
your crappy little excuses.
Y-you would never have done
something like this before!
You would never not have
thought about me and Raff.
But that's fine,
if that's the way
they do things in Harrogate.
Enjoy.
Have you any, ANY idea how worried
and upset I've been, eh?
You haven't a f...
bloody clue!
Are we, er...
carrying on, then, or what?
Oh, damn. I feel a bit shaken now.
Would you like a few minutes?
Just to gather your thoughts?
Maybe I should ring Caroline.
That's up to you.
Have a seat.
She'll be busy.
I haven't turned your head, have I?
Ignore her. Oh, damn.
It must have fallen out of my pocket.
It was just meant to be
a bit of fun, you see,
getting married in secret.
Well, and romantic.
And we were just going to
tell 'em all afterwards.
We thought they'd think
it was funny.
We thought they'd be pleased for us.
It doesn't seem the same now,
if they know.
Well, they do know, clearly.
We weren't doing it just for effect.
We are actually in love
with each other.
We have been since we were kids.
I don't think we should let it
make any difference.
SHE SOBS
SHE SNIFFS
PHONE RINGS
SHE GROANS
Oh, you can do one.
'I can't take your call just now,
but if you leave a message,
I'll ring you back.'
Gillian, it's Caroline. I'm sorry
I couldn't talk properly earlier,
I was just, erm...
Are you all right?
Look. Ring me if you want to,
I'm sure it's... They'll just...
Oh, I don't know. I'll try you
again in a bit, OK? Bye-bye.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Caroline? John's on the phone.
Put him through.
PHONE RINGS
'Ello, 'ello.
'Hiya.'
You all right? 'Been better.'
What time's your dinner break?
John.
It's me. 'Yes.'
Hello? 'Can I talk to you?'
Yes. No, I meant face-to-face.
When? Sooner rather than later.
Are you having a lunch break today,
or just working through?
What do you want to talk about?
'Me. Us. Everything.'
I can give you half an hour
at 1:30 if it's important.
Where? 'Well, it'd have to be here,
in my office.'
I think you're over-reacting.
He thinks the sun shines out
of her arse, and I'm just scum.
Well, he might think the sun...
whatever,
but why does that mean
he suddenly thinks that you're scum?
Oh, just...
He's taken up with her,
he's in love.
It's nice.
You can't be jealous.
I'm not jealous!
Well, what is it then?
Well, is it normal,
not inviting any of your nearest
and dearest to your wedding?
Well... I could understand
you being upset
if they'd invited Caroline
and not you, but they didn't.
They obviously wanted
this little secret...do.
I think it's romantic.
I think Caroline's right, they just
want... Oh, f... Bloody Caroline.
What's up with Caroline?
I thought you were mates? Nothing!
She walks on water.
She's perfection in human form.
And I'm just braindead
low-life trailer-trash. Oh, yes.
Is there something else going on?
He's been in Harrogate two weeks.
I've rung him four or five times,
because I'm worried about him,
and he knows I am,
and he barely has time
to speak to me.
And when he does it's all very...
tepid.
Have you argued about something?
No. Have you said something
that's upset him? No!
SHE SIGHS
I think she thinks
I'm a bit of a one.
Which I might be, sometimes.
But so what? Me dad's never minded
before. Well, he has, but...
I think she thinks our house
is a right muck-hole,
I can tell by t'look on her face.
It's a farm! Get over it.
Just cos I'm not sodding...perfect
like Caroline.
Do you want me to ring him? No.
No. Oh, it's...
No.
Shall we get married
and not tell anyone?
I don't know what's happening to me.
I don't know who I can... I can't...
There's no-one I can...
What do you want?
I didn't mean...
I meant generally, in life, now.
What do you want?
Focus on the future, not the past.
I want you. I want everything
to go back like it was.
Right.
I've moved on.
You are going to have to get used
to that, and when you do...
My publisher's dropped me.
Really? Really?
Yeah. Oh, shit.
Well, I'm...
God, I'm sorry.
I've squandered everything that
mattered. I don't recognise myself.
Could you get more work
at the university?
Yes, that's... It's...
I can ask. But...
Would you like some tea?
DOOR OPENS
I may have...
..over-reacted.
You going to say anything? It were
just meant to be a bit of fun.
Bit of an adventure.
Nobody was excluding anybody...
as such. It were just...
Yeah, right.
Why would you think
it was all about you?
I didn't tell Caroline.
Cos of...
Cos of that what you said
last time I saw you...
about me mother.
And then you don't speak to me
for two weeks, hardly.
And I have to rely on Caroline,
this woman who...
let's be honest, I hardly know.
Having the courtesy to pick up
the phone to me
to know you're not...
back in hospital, or worse.
We came up wi' t'plan
before we ever even had
that conversation about your mum.
We just didn't want a fuss, love.
Your dad didn't, and neither did I.
It were nothing to do with anything
else. This is between me and him.
I really would appreciate you
not speaking to Celia like that.
I don't believe you anyway.
Right.
You don't...
You don't want a fuss? Fine.
But why would you not want to share
all of that with any of us?
With Raff, with your mates?
Not just me.
I mean, Harry and Maurice were
wetting themselves, they were...
I've said what I've said.
It's t'truth.
If you're not prepared to accept it,
there's very little I can do.
What have you done to him?
He didn't used to be like this.
You'll be voting for Snooty Dave
and his chums soon, Dad.
You'll be buying the Daily Mail.
I think we better go.
Back to Harrogate, is it?
I'll phone you when we arrive so
you'll know we've got there safely.
If you've time.
I don't know how you can fashion
talking to your dad like this,
when you know how poorly he's been.
Don't go...Dad.
Well...
the thing is, we're married now,
so...
You did it?
Yeah, course we did it!
So I'm going back to Harrogate
with Celia,
because that's always
what t'plan were.
Plan were to come and tell you
first, because you're here,
and Caroline second,
because she's there.
We had a bit of a debate
about that, the logistics.
Because we didn't want Caroline
to feel she was any less important.
But we couldn't think of a way
round it...short of telephoning,
but we wanted to see people's faces
when we told them,
because...I thought
they'd be happy for us.
Right.
Well, if you'd had us all there
you could have seen all our faces
all at the same time, but obviously
that wasn't what you wanted.
Well...
perhaps we have made a mistake.
Well, we have, clearly,
because this doesn't resemble,
in any way shape or form, the
happy moment we hoped it might be.
SHE SNIFFS
I'm sorry.
I've over-reacted.
If I hadn't found that card,
I'd never have known,
and you'd have just turned up
all happy, and I'd have...
probably been very happy to see you.
But still...pissed off
that you hadn't spoken to me
properly for two weeks.
Yes, you don't have to remind me
that there was a...
reason for not speaking to me.
PHONE RINGS
Hello? 'Mum? It's me.'
Hiya. Is it all right
if I bring Ellie home?
For tea?
'Ellie?' Yeah.
She's not a vegetarian
or anything dozy, is she?
Well, actually, yeah, she is.
'Right, well,
I might have a carrot somewhere.
'Your grandad's got married.'
Me grandad?! 'Yeah.'
What?!
Yeah. 'When?'
This morning. The jammy old b...!
Were you there? Who were there?
Nobody. Nobody was there.
WHISPERS: Me grandad's got married!
How come?
ELLIE LAUGHS
Your grandad?
Is she laughing?
ELLIE GIGGLES
Married?
Well, I don't know
whether they actually did.
Granny's got her mobile
permanently on voice mail,
so you know as much as me.
Ring Alan's mobile.
I don't think I've got his number.
Ring Gillian again.
I've rung her four times.
I don't think she's speaking to me.
Why? Oh, she was upset
because they hadn't invited us,
whereas I thought, well,
I wouldn't have time to go anyway.
Yes, you would! Kate,
I haven't got time to get divorced,
never mind going
to other people's weddings.
You are going to find time
to get divorced. Where's Dad?
He's at Judith's, I expect.
I don't know.
Angus said he saw him
in school today.
Yes, he was. Briefly.
Why? We had something to discuss.
Angus said he looked hungover.
Yes, well, Angus has
a very fertile imagination.
What did he want to discuss?
I'll tell you later.
I know why they didn't invite us.
Why?
It's not rocket science, is it?
You don't think they didn't
invite anyone because of me?
Us. You and me.
What makes you think that?
Thanks.
What's she like?
The lady he's married.
She's kind of glamorous.
How?! Me grandad thinks she is.
And look at that car
she persuaded him to buy.
Well, he's mesmerised by her,
isn't he? She's nice. She's funny.
She's a bitch. What you on about?
That's a bit strong.
He'd never have had that heart
attack if she hadn't been so nasty
and small-minded...about Caroline.
She's got this daughter.
She's posh. Really brainy,
really clever. Really nice.
On what planet is Caroline "nice"?!
She is!
That night Celia and me grandad
went missing,
she was really supportive
and kind... She was the one
sat in this very chair,
blubbing her eyes out, going,
"Oh, I've been depressed."
It was me, me, f...
bloody me.
Do you mind not swearing
at the dining table, Mother?
Do you mind not cracking these
people up to be things they're not?
She's got a doctorate
in chemistry from Oxford.
So what?! I bet she doesn't
know how to deliver
breached twin lambs
at 3:00 in the morning,
in a blizzard.
I bet she does.
THEY GIGGLE
HE SIGHS
Well, Mrs Buttershaw.
Well, Mr Buttershaw.
It's been quite a day.
Every day with you
seems to be quite a day,
one way or another.
I can't remember what I did with
myself all day before I met you.
No, I don't think I can.
I just used to fart about
and do bugger all.
Oh, I'm quite fond of farting about
and doing bugger all.
I think it relaxes you.
"Hobbies include farting about
and doing bugger all."
I might put it on my CV.
Have you got one?
Have I hell!
I don't need one,
I'm a woman of leisure.
And means. Have been
for some significant time.
I'm quite a catch, let's face it,
in oh so many ways.
And modest, too. Hell, no!
When did being modest
ever get you anywhere?
So.
So...
The wedding night! Hmm.
60 years later than anticipated,
maybe, but...
Well worth the wait.
Well, we'll find out, won't we?
THEY LAUGH
Had we not better knock on
Caroline's door first?
Oh, God.
I wonder what Gillian's told her?
CORK POPS
Where's Kate?
Oh, she's gone home. Just tonight,
just to sort out a few things.
And the boys?
William's got a job in town,
washing up in a restaurant.
Good for him! He won't be back
until gone midnight.
And Lawrence is upstairs sulking.
Oh, why?
Cos I've taken him off at the knees,
I wiped the floor with him.
What's he done? He's upset Kate.
Why, what's he said?
Apparently - I didn't hear it, I
was trying to fathom the gas bill -
he said the reason you hadn't
invited any of us to the wedding
wasn't rocket science, it was
because you didn't want Kate there.
Cheers! Congratulations!
Here's mud in your eye.
Which I said was nonsense.
It is nonsense.
It were nowt to do with anyone else,
it was just meant to be a bit of...
A bit of fun! I know. As long as
we're clear that it is nonsense.
It's nonsense. And you can
tell her that from me.
Or you can tell her yourself
the next time you see her. Right.
Right.
So, just out of interest,
now you're married,
where were you thinking of living?
Ah, well... We've not really...
..that's one of the things, you see.
We were getting that bogged down
in t'practicalities
of this, that and t'other,
we ended up thinking,
"Well, we'll never get wed
at this rate."
OK, well, I'm just going to
run this past you.
John's publisher's
given him the shove.
Oh, shit!
So, this is the thing...
He can't afford to buy me out,
my half, my share,
which I always imagined he could,
but he can't, so, wahey.
Anyway, now I'm contemplating ways
in which I can buy him out,
rather than...sell up,
which, obviously, is an option.
OK...
I've not had the house valued yet,
but based on what I imagine
we'd be looking at, and if you did
want to live in the flat together...
We'd have to make a contribution?
It's... That's...
I have already put money
into this house.
The bottom line...
unless a number of factors kick in,
financially,
is that we would have to sell up.
What sort of figure would you be
looking for from me?
From us.
100,000.
One along here sold for 850,000
a few weeks ago, it's ridiculous.
And you could afford
the rest yourself?
No, I was going to ask Kate.
Ask Kate what?
To sell her house.
I haven't said anything to her yet.
I wanted to talk to you first.
Look, don't... Nobody has to make
any instant decisions. I just...
It's the boys, you see, as well.
I'd like to be able
to give them that stability,
at least until they've finished
their education, and...
Oh, God, I'm sorry!
It's your wedding night. I shouldn't
be inflicting all that on you now.
We'll talk about it tomorrow.
Take this.
Oh, thank you.
Could you give us a minute?
Eh? Oh, yes. Yes, of course I can.
Thank you, Caroline.
It's a pleasure.
I'll see you in t'morning.
I'll see you in the morning.
What?
It wasn't about Kate,
us getting married like this.
It hadn't occurred to me.
It was because of what
the consultant said
that morning Alan left hospital.
What do you mean?
We just wanted to get it done with,
quickly, with as little fuss
as possible.
Why?
Look, you're not to say anything.
He won't talk about it.
He likes to pretend
there's nothing wrong with him,
and we just got married
for a bit of fun.
Which we did!
And Gillian doesn't know this.
What?
A sensible approach is the key,
Mr Buttershaw,
because, not to put too fine
a point on it,
you wouldn't survive
another heart attack.
Even a relatively small one.
Oh, good Lord. Yeah.
Yeah.
I just wanted you to know.
And you can tell Kate, so she knows.
It really wasn't
about anything else.
I need to tell you something.
How's she getting home?
Can she stop? Here?
Yeah. Tonight? Yeah. No.
You can give Ellie
a lift down Ripponden
when you go, can't you, Robbie?
Yeah. I'll be setting off
in about half an hour or so. Sorted.
Right.
OK. Well...
the thing is...
She's pregnant.
It's mine.
She's eight months.
She told her mum and dad
and they went mad.
They've chucked her out.
Has something happened?
'Not... No, not... Well, yeah, yeah.
'Something's... Raff's got himself
into a bit of bother.'
It's nowt to worry about, Dad.
I don't want you getting stressed.
Just...it might benefit him
if you're around a bit, that's all.
If... if you...
Right. OK. Well, we can pop over.
Who is it? Gillian.
That'd be...
'Can you give me general, erm...?'
It's... It's... It's...
He's wanting to leave school,
and chuck his life down the drain.
Like I did. And I don't want him to.
Why? Why's he suddenly
thinking of doing that?
I thought he was doing very well
with his A-levels?
'He is! He is.
'It's...a bit complicated,
and there's a girl involved.
'It's...a man thing.'
It's best if you come over,
if you can.
I'm going to have to drive over
to Halifax. Is Robbie not around?
You can't drive, you're not allowed.
Bugger that.
'You're the only person
he ever really listens to.'
I'll drive you.
Sell my house? I know it's mad. But
you see, I think this is working,
you and me, don't you?
Well... There's Lawrence.
And the ever-constant threat
of John dropping by,
pissed, with Judith.
I'm dealing with all that.
And your mum.
Although maybe Celia and Alan will
want to go and live somewhere else
anyway, now they're married.
Well, no, thing is I'd probably need
her input as well, financially.
So she'd be staying?
Well, I... I think she's been on a
steep learning curve. Really, I do.
They'd probably spend most of
their time over at Gillian's anyway.
I don't know. Fine. I'm not saying
no. I shouldn't have asked.
CHILDREN SING HYMN
OK, good, it's fine, forget it,
let's not dwell on...
No. Actually...
If it was just about you and me,
I'd be worried that it was far too
quick and that you'd regret it.
Kate, I wouldn't have asked you
if I thought I'd regret it.
I like that house a lot,
but I'm not blinkered. It's...
I want to spend
the rest of my life with you.
I hope I'm not shallow enough to be
asking you for the wrong reasons.
It's just a bit sooner than we might
have anticipated. That's all.
Really? Really.
Look. Say no. If you really
think it's wrong, say no.
But think about it.
It's not something
we have to decide this second.
I can't kiss you here.
No. No. You really can't. Nope.
We'd need to know the exact figures.
Mm-hm.
I've got someone coming to give me
a valuation later this afternoon.
I'll get mine valued.
So is that...?
There's just one other thing to say.
Which I would've brought up
further down the line had things
progressed...
but seeing as we're possibly moving
forward slightly faster than...
What?
You know I'm 42 next week?
Yes. I did know that. OK.
This is equally... OK.
I want a baby.
I want to have a baby.
I've always wanted a baby.
And if we are going to do this
properly, permanently,
you need to know that.
And it's good
that it's cropped up now
because time is not on my side.
No. Caroline.
I'm serious.
You better go.
So, what's up?
Celia.
Gillian.
You know I told you
Raff's got a girlfriend?
Is this the one that blows hot
and cold? That's right.
Ellie.
The one who only bothers with him -
if she hasn't got a better
offer on the table.
Well, what about her? She's here.
She's inside.
She's pregnant.
Eight months.
They both reckon it's his.
Her mum and dad
gave her an ultimatum,
which allegedly she didn't like.
It involved
not seeing our Raff any more.
So...
Did she not...
think to get shut of it?
She didn't know she was pregnant.
She says.
She managed to convince herself
it was any number of other things.
And you can't tell till you know
to look. She's hardly showing.
So it's too late to...?
Five months too late.
I've made her an appointment
at the surgery.
I'm driving her down
in half an hour.
And...is it definitely his?
He is convinced that it's his.
But you're not to get upset.
Whatever's happened,
we'll sort it.
What's the plan?
The plan.
Well...
He's not leaving school.
I've told him.
He's a bright lad,
he's going places.
I'll do what I can for 'em, but...
I've told them in words of one
syllable, I am not a nanny.
That's two syllables.
I'm not made of money.
What about her parents?
They obviously think our Raff's
not good enough for her.
Which is interesting,
cos frankly I'd have said it was
the other way round.
Did he not take precautions?
These are the wrong questions, Dad!
The time has passed.
She's inside.
Raff's gone to school.
D'you want to come and say hello?
Ellie. This is Raff's grandad.
Hello, love. Alan.
And this is Celia.
My wife. Celia.
I've just had a bath.
Congratulations.
I think it was a bit hot.
I think I'm having like...
contractions.
Oh, heck!
We'll get her up to the hospital.
You go pick Raff up from school.
It's a mess, that's what this is.
A right total fff...sodding mess.
Yeah, I know, I know,
all right. I know!
And how do we know it's yours?
Really, eh?
We've been through this.
I told you, I know the night.
No, come on, maths -
if she's only eight months,
why's she gone into labour now?
It's early!
You so want to believe it,
don't you?
She probably isn't even
eight months, size of her!
She's never slept with anyone else.
She says. Yes. She says.
Happen you better ring
her mum and dad.
I'm not ringing her mum and dad.
Oh, well, that's grown up.
They hate me.
Well, they need to know, they need
to share some of the responsibility,
she's their daughter,
that'll be their grandchild.
Unequivocally, theirs.
Whereas I don't have the luxury
of such certain knowledge.
She wouldn't lie! Why would she lie?
Because she knows she can
rely on you, you pillock!
Cos you're
so bloody smitten with her!
So I'm reliable! And that's bad...
why?
Because you've got your whole life
ahead of you! You've got choices!
What choices will you have if
you're saddled with a baby at 17?
And it's not even yours! For sure.
She dumped you for this other lad,
who else has she been...
wriggling around with, eh?
No-one.
God, you're naive.
Yeah, and you're
a dirty-minded old cow.
I beg your pardon?
Didn't say owt.
You haven't to stress your grandad.
I'm not stressing me grandad!
If anyone'll be stressing me grandad
with shouting, it's you!
WOMAN: You're doing what?
Delivering babies.
Well, a baby.
Unless it's twins, which I'd be
very surprised, size of her.
Well... Why're you...?
What're you...? Whose is it?
That's the 64 million question.
Shall we start at the beginning?
Well, surprise, surprise,
it turns out Raff's a bit of a...
muck lump just like his mother.
And... You know what?
She insisted on Alan
racing over here.
She'll be wanting to tap money
off him.
They're already hard up,
and now with a baby on the way.
Sorry, so...?
Raff's put his girlfriend
in the pudding club.
And she's not dared tell anyone
until it's too late,
and she's just gone into labour.
Just now, just this morning,
that's why we're here.
But you needn't worry, love.
On the money front.
I'll not be taken in.
Did you talk to Kate?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
And...? Is she on board?
In... Yeah, theory.
You don't sound convinced.
No, she's... Obviously
it's a big thing to ask.
Don't take this the wrong way...
What?
Isn't it a bit soon?
To be asking her to buy a house
with you?
I know you're very fond of her, and
I'm not saying anything about that.
But you've only been together
five minutes.
I can't sell that house.
Oh, I'll have to go, love.
I'll talk to you later, bye.
Where is she?
They're through here.
He'll be here any minute.
Sorry, what was your name again?
Alan! I'm Grandad. Apparently.
Deep! Really inhale it.
Great-grandad.
Sorry?
Great-grandad.
Won't you be its great-grandad?
Oh, aye.
It's one of these.
Are you looking for someone?
Ellie. Ellie Weaver.
Just down here.
I don't want a baby.
I'm too young to have a baby.
I don't even know
what you do with babies.
You'll work it out soon enough.
What if I don't like it?
What if it's got something wrong
with it?
What if it's got more than one head?
Well, there's no sending 'em back.
It won't have.
Why haven't we evolved better?
This is medieval.
I'm going to be split in two,
I'm going to die. No you're not.
I'm not ready for this,
I'm not even here.
You're going to be absolutely fine.
Did you two get married yesterday?
We did, yes.
And not tell anyone?
That's right.
Why?
Just...to be different, really.
Romantic.
And was it?
Well...
MAN: Everybody happy.
Say cheese!
..it was memorable.
Now who've we got?
Ah, this is my grandson.
This is so weird.
And you're the father?
Yeah. You all right?
And I'm his mother.
I'm not really comfortable with
the fact that this is happening.
In fact, I'm inclined to suggest
that it isn't.
I am firmly of the opinion
that I'm not really here.
She's been at the Entonox.
Right, so, she's between three
and four centimetres dilated.
It's going to be good few hours
before the fun really starts, so...
I'm not actually her mother.
Her mother isn't actually here.
Ellie?
Have you rung your mum?
No.
D'you think you should?
Because if you don't, I will.
The night Caroline was born,
I lost three pints of blood.
I nearly died. Did you? Mm-hm.
I could feel myself
going down this tunnel.
Odd thing was, I didn't mind.
I just thought...
"So this is it,
this is what it's like."
And I nearly got to the end.
And then it got slower,
and slower.
I realised I was going backwards.
Back the way I'd come.
And that must've been when
they gave me the blood transfusion.
D'you think it is his? Raff's?
They were at a party. I asked him.
They'd been drinking.
Malibu or something. And....
I think they're genuinely
very fond of each other.
They're the same age we were
that day when you asked me out at
the top of Elizabeth Street in 1953.
D'you remember?
I'd just started at Jessops.
I had a new suit.
You'd just started at Co-op.
God.
We'd have never carried on
like that at that age, would we?
No. But they do now. So...
People had more self-respect.
Well, we hadn't had the benefit
of the swinging '60s in 1953, had we?
You're not going to make out
like it's a good thing.
I'm very good with babies.
I'm sure you are.
They tend to like me.
I don't know why.
They can probably sense
you're as daft as they are.
Yes. That'll be it.
I never thought I'd live to be
a great-grandad.
Well...
We're not entirely sure
that you are one yet. Are we?
I'd have to help 'em out.
In the money department.
If that's what's needed.
You know that, don't you?
I'm not having that lad
leaving school,
he could get in at a university,
the way he's heading.
Well, OK.
Just as long as you know that
I can't see Caroline short either.
Over this house business.
How's it going?
Slowly.
Poor kid, she's terrified.
I can't get hold of her mum and dad.
I've left messages to ring me
on both their mobiles,
and their landline, and nothing.
What's up with 'em?
They're probably in shock,
aren't they?
Same as everybody else.
Still, you'd not think they'd
turn their back on her, would you?
Perhaps they're Christians.
Listen, I've got stuff
to see to at home,
I haven't fed stock in lower field,
it won't take me long.
Can you hang about here?
Just for a couple of hours?
Just until I get back?
Just in case Raff
needs a bit of support.
Can we?
I don't think he believes it's
happening either. Course we can.
I let myself in.
What's all this?
I've collected some of my stuff
from the house.
I'm going to look at getting a flat
near the university.
What happened to digging your
heels in and pissing her off?
They've dropped me,
Kershaw and Whittle.
Francis Hilliard sent me
an e-mail last week.
They've...?
I don't know why I'm that surprised.
It's been obvious for ages
that you've lost it.
What're you talking about?
I don't even know
if you ever really had it.
"Had it." What?
That fire. That real passion.
I think you were just lucky
for a while.
You have no idea. You know...
the trouble with you is that you've
never really lived life on the edge.
Have you? You've never really
taken a risk with anything.
You've never really dared to do
anything properly dangerous.
You just...
You just fiddle-faddle around near
the boundaries a bit, don't you?
Pretending. But you never actually
push them like a real writer.
You're terrified.
Given the choice,
if she'd have you back,
you'd go crawling back to Caroline,
wouldn't you?
With your tail between your knees.
What do you want, John?
What do you really, really want?
You don't have to answer that,
I'm not really interested.
But whatever it is,
can you piss off out of my flat
and chase after it
for once in your life?
Instead of just clinging on to
what's familiar.
Do they snog? I don't know.
Do they do sex?
I don't know.
Why don't you
go and live with your dad
if Miss McKenzie's going to start
telling the boss fibs about you?
I might do.
Like I say, if you think
it's a non-starter, then I...
I mean, I do know it's a minefield.
I do know that you might not want to
go through all that again.
And certainly not with a child
that isn't... But it would be yours,
is the point, ours.
How? I mean, how would...?
Oh, well, obviously a donor. Who?
OK, so, there's this person
I was at university with.
And ever since I've not been married
to Richard any more, I've often...
occasionally thought that if I ever
did manage to have a baby,
he's someone I would ask, possibly.
Who is he?
He's called Greg.
And I went out with him for a bit
when we were at Durham.
We slept together, is the point,
so he's nice, he's clever, he's good,
he's a really good person.
He's... That's why I thought of him.
He's like you.
He's one of the grown-ups.
Why didn't you marry him?
Will you meet him?
I'm not part of the equation.
No! No. God, Caroline.
The only people
who are part of the equation
are you and me and the baby.
So...
OK, so, have you...
done any research as regards...?
We could go down the medical route.
Which is...?
Complicated. Lengthy.
And the thing is...
because I have slept with him before,
300 years ago,
we could just do it.
I mean, he might not agree
to any of this.
I think he probably would.
He's not married, he has been,
and apparently that is the best way
of getting pregnant
rather than any sort of artificial...
Has he got children
from his marriage? No.
Is he firing blanks? Oh.
Does he want children?
I don't... It's not really about
whether he wants children, is it?
It's more about whether he's willing.
Why did his marriage break down?
I don't know the ins and outs.
He's obviously someone
you keep in touch with.
Yeah. Christmas cards.
When we still did Christmas cards.
Now it's just the odd e-mail. When?
When his marriage broke down.
When mine did.
He knows about you.
I need to meet him. You will!
And this is all...
I've not discussed it with him.
He might just say no.
Maybe I shouldn't meet him.
It so isn't about him. No. It is.
I don't want you getting sperm
from just anywhere. No, course.
Do we know anyone else? No.
Why didn't you and Richard?
We did. Four times.
I lost them all.
I didn't know that.
I never got beyond 12 weeks.
Oh, God.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Caroline, if you think
it's a daft idea, just say...
I don't think it's a daft idea.
You've obviously...
thought about it a lot
and it obviously means a lot.
I mean, it's fundamental, babies,
isn't it?
Who am I to say no,
it's your life, it's your body.
no, I know. It is, but...
I wouldn't want to do it on my own.
No.
We would be talking sleepless nights
and nappies.
And years of angst
and teenage tantrums.
Oh, I can do all of that.
You're 46. It's not really what you'd
planned to do next, is it, babies?
No.
I wonder how my mother's getting on?
She was delivering a baby last time
I spoke to her.
Your mother was delivering a baby.
Well, she said she was.
Whose?
Is there anything
that woman doesn't get up to?
Somebody else'll be doing
all the hard work.
She'll just be standing
near the door making droll comments.
I think we're ready
to start pushing, Ellie!
PHONE BEEPS
Can you turn that off, please?
I'm sorry.
Can you feel the contraction coming?
Yeah!
Right, well, I want you to push.
I'm sorry, I'm going
to have to sit down.
Perhaps you could take Raff out into
the corridor for a few minutes.
Come on, lad.
What about me?
Grandad's still here.
It's all right, love!
You're doing very well.
Put your head between your knees.
I should be able to do this,
I can deliver lambs, no problem.
SHE SCREAMS
Would you like a mint imperial?
I want a thing!
I want an injection!
I want painkillers!
I want everything!
I think it'd be better
if you can do it without.
Keep pushing, love. Keep pushing!
Yeah, you just keep squeezing
Grandad's hand.
He's not me grandad!
No, I know I'm not,
but I don't mind, we can pretend.
I want my grandad.
Well, I can ring him
if you think he'll answer his phone.
Look in my phone book.
You'll have to go out
into the corridor to make that call.
What's it under?
Grandad! What do you think?
Good, it makes sense.
And what's his name?
Harry. Harry Wallace.
Harry Wallace is your grandad?!
What's up with that?
Nothing. We're...
Hurry up! Get him rung!
Hello?
Gillian.
Speaking.
How's things? Why?
Just wanted to
run something past you.
Quickly.
OK. Well. I know you said
you're seeing Robbie.
But frankly...I think you and me
both know that's just a disaster
waiting to happen.
Really? Really.
You also indicated that you were
in need of some sort of investment...
in the farm.
Your publisher's just dumped you,
I'm not thick.
Caroline wants to buy
my half of the house.
I think we'll be looking at...
400, 450,000. Cash.
You think you can just buy me?
No. I just thought...
Are you doing anything this weekend?
What did y'have in mind?
Anything. All sorts.
Can we have this conversation later?
What are you doing here?
It's a girl. Six pound, three ounces.
Did you know?
Ellie's my grandaughter. This is
her mum, my daughter, Yvonne.
Yvonne, Gillian.
I've been ringing you.
We had no idea. We didn't even
know that she was pregnant.
She said you'd chucked her out.
She never even told us!
Did you not get my messages? I've
been in meetings all day at work,
I only got wind of it
when Dad phoned my secretary.
Alastair's going to go mad,
he's going
to go through the bloody ceiling.
Has your son never heard of condoms?
Eh, don't you start on my son.
What's your daughter doing putting
it about so much? Now, steady on.
We don't even know it is Raff's.
Keep calm. And you an' all.
So...it's a girl?
They're just giving her
a few stitches, Ellie,
then we can go and have a look.
PHONE BEEPS
Yeah, but it's a bit interesting
that she did lie, isn't it?
Don't you make judgement about me,
about my family.
Nobody's making judgement, love.
I'm just saying.
It's a bit interesting
that she couldn't tell her own mum.
Are you listening to this? Dad!
I'm staying out of it.
Well, we've got married
and had a baby in just 48 hours.
We're on fire.
We're cooking with gas.
There's no stopping us.
You're...
It's poisonous
saying something like that,
you don't even know us,
you don't know me.
You know she doesn't like you.
Shit-stirrer.
Don't you dare!
Oh, they know it all, don't they?
Except how to avoid
getting pregnant.
I want to be somebody's mum.
It's true, she does want a baby.
How?
It's going to get very confused
about who its mother is.
Ambulance.