Last Tango in Halifax (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
Recently widowed Celia Dawson tells her astonished headmistress daughter Caroline that,after putting her details on Facebook,she was contacted by old flame Alan Buttershaw,whom she last saw in 1953. Caroline,who has just backed out of a gay affair with colleague Kate,has another shock when John,the husband who left her for another woman,asks to come back and she consents for their sons' sakes. Alan's daughter Gillian is also unhappy that her teen-aged son Raff,encouraged by his uncle Robbie,indulges in bike scrambling when his father Eddie died in a biking accident. Alan and Celia meet up and find old passions stirring. After a car chase in which Celia has pursued - and caught - the hoodie who stole Alan's vehicle the elderly pair amaze their daughters by announcing their engagement.
I mean, I'd never have been able to
bring him
somewhere like this, you see.
Your dad. No.
Cos he'd dribble.
I tried to keep him neat.
If we went to, like,
the cafe in Sainsbury's,
I'd sit with my back to the wall
and him facing me.
Well, I had to.
It's off-putting for folk, isn't it?
They've come out for a coffee,
seeing someone like that.
You're feeling sorry for him,
aren't you?
No, I'm...
Yes, well, don't.
I looked after him, and it's more
than he would have done for me.
I told you about the pension?
Yes.
No provision for me.
No.
He were thinking I'd go first.
Well, yes, but...
But what?
It's not like you're without,
is it?
That isn't the point!
I was an inconvenience
for 50 years.
50 years!
Well, he's dead now, so...
You never liked him.
God, I make better coffee
than this in the microwave.
God, these glasses are mucky.
I've got a pen pal.
Did William tell you?
No.
This fella I was at school with.
Well, except that
he was a lad then, obviously.
I showed Gran how to put her details
on Facebook.
Well, so who is he?
Alan, he was called.
He still is!
Hang on, stop.
Start again. You...
When Granddad was...
He can talk for himself!
When I were at school,
there were this lass, this girl...
Who he fancied. Whatever.
Keep going!
Well, that's it, really.
No, it isn't.
Put his name on Facebook,
right.
Oh, aye! That's it.
And there she was. Celia Dawson.
Nee Armitage.
Her and Doreen Wilkinson.
Yeah, just two of 'em
out of t'whole year.
You're joking?
So, we wrote to her.
"We"?
Granddad were a bit nervous.
What for?
Well, I were in two minds.
So, you wrote to her, and...?
And she wrote back.
So, we kept it going!
Oh, it's all nowt.
It's all nowt.
We're just pen pals.
Except it's been a trip down
memory lane.
Well, sort of, given that...
Given that...?
Well, you see, he was in my
year but not in my form.
Gran was in the A stream.
And if he's who I think he is, then
not everything he says adds up.
You see, I think they lived up in the
wilds, somewhere up Stainland.
She lived in t'next street.
Only he talks
like he lived in the next street.
And if he did, well...
I'm beggared if I can place
him.
Well, I were amazed when
she wrote back.
I didn't think I were t'sort
someone like her would
remember. Why?
What sort's she?
Glamorous.
Oh, aye?
She always seemed... a bit better
spoken than the rest, and I...
I were on t'shy side and
gormless.
So, where is she now?
Harrogate. She's got a little
flat at her daughter's house.
Last time he saw her was in
1953. Really?!
Yeah, her dad got a job down in
Sheffield and that were it - off
they went.
He was heartbroken.
Did she know you had a...
thing about her?
Oh, she'd not look at me twice.
I've told him. He wants to invite
himself over.
Yeah! Why not? Say you're passing.
Say... you're in Harrogate anyway
and would she like to meet up for a
cup of tea?
Your Uncle Robbie's here,
Raff. Yes!
Half an hour early.
Want you back by five.
No way!
Told you this last time.
I made it clear.
Mum, it doesn't finish while five.
How are we gonna get back here by
five?
Hiya, Robbie.
Raff.
I want him back by five.
Right. No, not "right",
like you're just saying it to
shut me up.
"Right!", like you're heard
what I've said and it's sunk in.
Right.
He's got homework.
I've done it!
When?!
I'll ring yer.
# ...Run for your lives... #
Bastard.
Why don't you ask him for a photo if
you can't picture him?
She's got one. He sent one.
On the e-mail.
Only I'm none the wiser, as folk
change so much, don't they?
Especially men.
That's John's car.
Dad's here.
Hi. Hello.
I let myself in.
So I see.
Hi, Will.
I'm off upstairs.
Didn't know you had a key.
Do you want it back?
Either way.
How's your mother?
Fine. Good.
Why are you here?
Do you want to give us a
few minutes? Sure.
Um... I'm tempted to say it's a
long story, but it isn't really.
In fact, it's pretty
straightforward.
Turns out...
Judith's a bit of an alcoholic.
I knew she had a significant
relationship with the stuff,
I knew she liked a drink, but,
um,
yeah...
didn't realise the extent of it.
Has she tried to get help?
Oh, yeah. More than once.
I don't think it's something
that'll sort itself out overnight.
Well, if ever, in fact, so...
Yeah.
So, how does this involve me?
I've made a terrible mistake,
Caroline.
Oh, I see.
You want to come back?
What do you think?
I don't know.
I was dazzled.
It's pathetic, isn't it?
Even more so when you see
what a ridiculous
empty-headed mess she...
Sorry. You don't want to hear
this.
That's so selfish!
Out of necessity, I suppose.
You can't imagine it until
you've...
Sorry.
I suppose I never have.
Seen it before, up close.
The real McCoy.
And it's only now I realise...
how much of a fool I've made
of myself.
And to have thrown away all this here
with you and the boys.
And for what?
It's appalling.
It's abysmal, it's unthinkable.
"I am planning a trip
up to Skipton next week.
"Possibly Monday."
"If you fancied meeting up for
a coffee,
"it would be a wonderful
opportunity to...
"Would you fancy meeting up
for a coffee?
"...a cup of coffee?
"I appreciate that you
probably have much more
interesting things to do...
"...that you may already
have your week planned...
"...but if you did happen
to be available...
"...free...
"...it would be very nice to
see you."
"With very best wishes...
"Best wishes, Alan."
Hello?
Alan, it's Robbie.
Lad's come off his bike.
Is Gillian there?
Er, no, no. She's...
Ambulance is here.
They're taking him to
t'Princess Royal.
Shall I see you there, then, or
what?
Yeah, but what's he done?
I dunno. He's...
Well, he's conscious now,
anyway, so...
Yeah, well, see you there. Ta.
Gillian!
Where is he?
He's in wi' t'doctor.
Well, congratulations, Robbie.
Finally got what you wanted.
What are you talking about?
Oh, you know.
This is what I wanted, him flat on
his back in an ambulance? You love
that every Saturday I go through
hell worrying about him getting
hurt.
I know you've got a screw loose,
Gillian, so I won't push it,
but you'd better apologise for that.
Oh, yeah, that's happening!
Come on, calm down.
I go biking with Raff because
he loves it.
I love it. Eddie loved it. It's in
us blood. So, don't you come
and accuse me...
Yeah, and if you hadn't raked
up all that bloody trouble
when Eddie died, nobody'd have
reason to think you took
any satisfaction! No, don't.
You're lucky I let you have 'owt to
do with him. Yeah?
Well, you're lucky that you've not
had him taken off yer.
Raff, lad!
Oh, God, you had me worried!
Oh, they fussed, Mother.
I said, I don't need an ambulance,
I don't need an X-ray,
I'm made like rubber, but...
nobody were listening.
Hello.
John's gone.
He's gone to fetch some of his
things. He's moving back in.
Right. I've told him he'll have to
sleep in another room.
It seems very easy for him
after all that he's done.
It turns out she's an alcoholic.
And he's just discovered this?
After goodness knows how
many months?
He knew she had a problem -
he didn't know the extent of it.
He wants to meet me in
Skipton for a cup of coffee.
Oh, your, um...
Alan. Are you going?
No.
D'you think I'm making a
mistake?
Doesn't matter what I think,
love.
"Dear Alan.
"Sadly...
"Unfortunately...
"I would be delighted to meet
you in Skipton on Monday."
I'll put the kettle on.
Just you pause there a
second, lad.
If you jack this in -
properly, once and for all...
I'll buy you a car
when you pass your test.
Why?
Because that's how much
your mum can't stand it.
She lost your dad.
She doesn't want to lose you.
Hi, Lawrence.
Give us a hand.
Yeah, right!
Um, do you... really want me
to sleep in the spare room?
Just so I know
where to put my stuff. Um...
I've got the Independent
Schools Inspectorate coming
in this week and...
Just don't push it, all right?
Kicking off to number
36 in the pop charts...
What did you say to Raffy?
Hm?
About buying him a car?
Oh...
He does his own thing, Dad.
If he wants to be friends with
Robbie, fine. I hate him.
Dozy pillock.
But...
he's Eddie's brother.
And Raff has to make up his
own mind about folk.
I asked him not to tell you.
Yeah, I appreciate that.
I appreciate you interfering.
I love it when you interfere!
But I'm not stopping him
doing stuff he likes doing.
He has to outgrow
things... naturally, and then he
won't resent people.
Me.
I'm meeting her.
In Skipton on Monday.
Are you?
Mm.
Are you?! Mm.
Well, if she turns up.
Why wouldn't she?
Well, I dunno.
I don't know that I'll have
enough to say to her,
enough to keep a
conversation going.
Perhaps I should find an
excuse. What for?
I did ask her out once.
Did you?
So?
Oh, she never turned up.
I stood there nearly two
hours, then after,
I found out that's when
she'd gone to Sheffield.
That same day.
You're kidding?
She's probably forgotten.
That were a rotten trick.
Well, it might not have been.
She might just have forgotten.
If they were flitting, she'd have had
a lot on her mind, and, er...
well, you know, we were only kids,
teenagers, so...
Aw, Dad.
Well, you don't have to go.
Oh, I can't pull out now.
And it were 60 years ago.
So what?
I thought the sun shone
out of her.
I can still feel that feeling I felt
when I looked at her.
You've been married to me mother for
50 years since then.
Oh, I know. I...
I loved your mum.
We were...
pals.
But Celia...
It were more like...
I dunno.
Now Heaven walks on Earth.
Is that a line from something?
Probably. Oh.
It will be.
Shakespeare.
One of that crowd. Yeah.
# ...and closer cling
# To our Lord, and to his
altar... # Morning.
# ...There ourselves an
offering bring
# Serving thee, our heavenly
Father
# From the dawn to set of sun
# Serving thee in life's young
morning
# Till our work on Earth is
done... #
Good morning.
Good morning.
- Morning.
- Good morning.
Oh, sod it.
There's your tea.
Thank you.
And your change.
Oh, thank you very much.
Alan?
Celia.
How are you?
Oh, I'm... not so bad.
Er... how are you?
Oh, I'm all right.
Good.
Good, good.
Oh, that's, er...
Oh, I know who you are now.
Sorry?
Penny dropped as soon as I
saw you.
You didn't know who I was?
I didn't for long enough.
I sent you a photograph.
Even with the photograph, I
was thinking you were that
other Alan, up at Stainland.
Alan... Robertshaw?
Robertshaw!
With spindly legs?
SHE LAUGHS
Had he? Spaghetti Legs, my dad
called him.
I don't remember his legs.
Now, you lived in the next
street.
I didn't realise there was
a... confusion.
Are you disappointed?
No!
How was your journey?
Oh, it was fine, thank you.
Only, um...
What can I get you?
Oh, she'll come over.
Only what?
Well, I didn't, um...
get a-a ticket for the...
Oh!
...for the car park.
I didn't have the right change.
Do you want to go back?
No, let me get you something first.
Then I'll...
Isn't it odd?
Things you remember and
things you don't.
Yes, always.
Didn't you ask me out once?
Did I?
Mm, you probably don't
remember.
Um...
You did.
Oh!
Yeah, that's right.
Then I couldn't come.
Because it was when
we were moving to Sheffield.
Oh. Yeah.
And we went a day early.
I can't remember why now.
It'll be my mother not being
organised.
You go and get your ticket.
Can I have a latte, please?
D'you know, it's ringing a bell.
Now you've said it.
Good.
But you got my note.
Did I?
Yeah. What note?
I sent you a note to say I
couldn't come.
I gave it to Eileen Pickford
to give to you.
Eileen? Yeah.
To say I was sorry
I was letting you down, but...
this was my new address in Sheffield
so you could write to me.
Did you?!
Oh, don't tell me you didn't
get it?
You didn't? No!
Oh!
Well, it's a good job you'd
forgotten.
Cos otherwise you'd have
spent the last 60 years
thinking I'd stood you up!
You go and get your ticket.
OK.
Kate...
Kate.
Have you got five minutes?
Just take a...
Sit down.
Very formal.
John turned up on Saturday.
He...
He wants to move back in, so...
so I said yes.
For the boys' sake.
When you say move back in,
does that mean...?
I don't know what it means,
exactly.
Yet.
I'm amazed.
After everything he's done.
After everything you've said.
It's mainly for the boys.
God knows we see enough of
it here,
parents who put their children
anywhere except first.
They think they do until it
comes to their own
convenience and...
ha...
Happiness.
I don't wanna be like that.
He doesn't put them first.
Yes, well, perhaps all the more
reason why I should.
Look...
I'm very...
fond...
of you.
You know that. I just...
don't think I can do this any
more.
Obviously we can be friends.
But, um...
the other thing, it...
it's not me.
I mean, it's not not me,
I'm just not, you know...
ready...
to go there.
I've got 9F.
Bad luck!
Sorry.
I am sorry.
Oh, God.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Keep calm.
Can I have a packet of 20,
please?
How old are you?
You know how old I am. You asked me
that t'other night.
Right, can I see your ID?
Thank you.
You going up to t'White Horse again
Friday night? This Friday?
No. Probably not.
Why not?
Stuff to do.
Have you 'eck.
That's a shame, cos I thought
I might buy you a few beers.
Again.
That's £6.30.
Oh...
I'll be there anyway.
If you're feeling... lonely.
Right.
Mind how you go.
Ooh!
Is that what you thought?
Sorry?
That I'd stood you up.
Well, um...
You must have done.
Well, I suppose I might have.
You did!
Y... Well...
Oh, how embarrassing.
How sad. No, look, it's water
under t'bridge.
I think my car's...
I really hoped you'd write.
Did you? Yes.
I waited for a letter.
Never occurred to me
she wouldn't give it to you.
'Appen she were jealous.
'Appen she forgot.
Well... And I probably just assumed
you just didn't have time to bother
writing.
No, no! No, Celia. I'd have written
if I'd got it.
Well, that's the last time I'll
ask Eileen Pickford to do
anything for me.
She's dead. Is she?
Well, that'll teach her.
D'you know, it's all come back to me
just now, just seeing your face.
I married her.
Eileen.
She were Gillian's mother.
Oh, good Lord. Aye.
Well, she was a nice lass.
I think my car's been stolen.
What?
Yeah, it's a blue Vauxhall
Astra.
Sure, yeah.
I can't say mine was a happy
marriage, cos it wasn't.
I don't say that to everyone.
He wasn't the most faithful of
husbands, shall we say?
Not just once, either.
There was a whole string of them,
a whole stream of them.
What's the collective noun for women
who aren't very fussy?
Sorry, that too much
information?
No.
See, Caroline says it takes two
people to make a marriage go wrong.
I don't believe that.
She probably gets sick of me
going on about it.
Well, she does.
She says he's dead,
get over it.
Well, not in so many words,
but that's what it amounts to.
I'm sorry.
Tell me about Eileen.
Oh, we were very happy.
Happy enough. Very... steady.
Then she developed Alzheimer's.
She didn't know me at t'finish.
Fancy her not giving you my
letter.
She must have liked you.
So, I've processed your
information, Mr Buttershaw,
concerning your vehicle.
How are you fixed for getting
home?
Oh... Oh, I...
In broad daylight?
In Skipton?
You're joking.
So, I were, er, wondering if you
could come and pick me up?
Not straightaway necessarily.
Well, yeah... Thank you.
I don't know why
you won't let me drive you.
You been to the police?
Yeah, well, it's a long way,
and then you'd only have to drive
back to Harrogate.
Er, yes, course we've been
t'police.
It's only 40 miles or so,
isn't it?
And have you got your pills
with you? Yes. Yes, yes.
Um, and have you some
cash on you?
Er, yes, I'm OK there.
So, you're basically all right?
Well, it were a bit of a shock.
And, er...
they're not optimistic
about getting it back.
Not all in one piece, anyway!
Right.
Well, I'll set off as soon as I
can after four, OK?
OK.
Dad...
Dad, I'm gonna have to go.
Oh, OK.
Ta-ta, love.
Right, keep in touch.
Yeah, ta-ta.
Well, she doesn't get off till,
er... four,
otherwise she'd be straight
over.
I'm not a bad driver,
if that's what you're thinking.
We could pop down to Elland,
we could... look up a few
of our old haunts.
Gillian were heartbroken
when her Eddie died.
All over t'place.
A farm to run.
Never enough money. That's why she
works at t'supermarket.
That's why I moved in -
she was struggling.
I've still got my little house.
Oh, have you? Mm.
Up Barkisland. A lovely view.
I rent it out. Which suits me.
I... I didn't like it on me own.
Oh, I'm used to it.
I've felt like I've been on me
own for the past 40 years.
I'm sorry you've been so
unhappy.
It isn't your fault.
Well, it's not what you
deserve.
My memory of you is smiling.
Lovely big smile.
You were radiant.
Oh!
It's a long time since anyone's
called me that!
You still are.
That's... It is!
That's... that's my car!
You're joking?!
I'm not!
I'm not! That's my
registration plate!
Right...
What are you doing? You get on the
phone to the police
and I'll put me foot down.
Well, w-what shall I ring?
999?
Yes, if you like.
That's emergency.
Well, this is an emergency.
Oh, shut up!
What?
No, not you. Oh, God!
Where's reverse when you bloody well
need it?
Oh...
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Oh, h-h-hello. Yes, er, police,
please.
I just have a heart condition.
Buttershaw, Alan.
Have you?
Far Slack Farm, Ripponden.
West Yorkshire. HX5 7LD.
I'm supposed to avoid
excitement.
Er, yeah, my car's just been
stolen, I've just reported it.
But now we've just spotted it and now
we're just following it.
At speed.
We're... Where are we?
We're on the B437,
heading back to Skipton.
We're on the B437,
heading back to Skipton.
Er, it's a blue Vauxhall Astra.
Yes, yes, we're right behind
'em.
What's this road? Well, it's
wiggly, anyway. It's by t'canal.
Now we're going over a little
bridge.
Oh.
Hang onto your hat.
I am doing!
Oh, heck!
Oh...
Careful!
Oh!
Not-not-not sure where we
are now.
Yeah, Albert Street.
Well, w... In fact, we've just left
Albert Street. We're now in...
Well, I dunno, summat else.
Oh, my...
...God!
Oh! Oh.
W-What?
Are we all right?
Yeah, are you all right?
Yes. Oh, God.
I'm so sorry. I...
Oh, my God!
Oh!
I'm so sorry. Oh.
No, I'm sorry. You've...
Yeah, a silver A-class.
Yeah...
It was 20 years ago
first time it happened.
I had to take early retirement.
Then I had a funny do
ten years after that.
On holiday. I should be dead, really!
Good heavens.
Still, we've had an adventure!
I wonder what would have
happened...
if Eileen had given you that
letter.
We'll never know.
Well, we could speculate.
I'd certainly have written.
There's very little doubt about
that.
What would you have put?
Er, "Dear Celia," I'd have put,
"thank you for sending me your
address."
And then what?
I've no idea.
We wouldn't have got very far,
then, would we?
"I am sorry that you were unable to
turn up.
"At least, however, I weren't left
standing there for two hours
"on t'bridge outside t'church
in t'snow,
"as I might have been
had you not written."
You weren't?
Well, not the snow bit, obviously,
it were July, but, er...
I thought you said
you couldn't remember it.
Yeah, well...
I lied.
I remember it like it were
yesterday.
I were gutted.
Oh, Alan.
And there was me in Sheffield
thinking you didn't want
to write to me.
Ah, but you didn't feel t'same way
about me as I felt about you.
How do you know I didn't?
Cor...! I'd been waiting for you
to ask me out for months.
Years.
Two hours ago, you thought I was
someone with spindly legs
from up Stainland.
I knew damn well who you
were the first time you wrote.
I was pretending.
Pretending to myself.
Why?!
Because...
I did like you, a lot.
But I was never sure
how you really felt about me,
not when you didn't write,
and...
Oh, well, I can say it now because
it was 200 years ago and...
because I'm shameless and...
if I don't say it now,
I never will.
I was in love with you.
Right! Statements.
Who wants to go first?
Mrs Buttershaw?
We're not married.
Got your text.
Yeah, I got yours.
You're not jacking it in.
It's like I told you...
Get in.
You've gotta get straight back
on.
That's what your dad would've said.
That's what your dad would've done.
It upsets me mum too much. You can't
live your life not doing stuff
just because your...
But it shook me up as well.
You're just saying that.
This is about Gillian not wanting
you to have 'owt to do wi' me.
No, it isn't.
I'm gonna tell you summat
now, Raff, about your mother,
about why she don't like you and me
bothering wi' each other.
When our Eddie...
When your dad died,
you know what happened?
Yeah. Ish.
Wasn't an accident.
This is my personal theory.
You know what happened,
right? Yeah.
Death by misadventure. Yeah.
Bollocks.
She killed him.
Make yourself some tea, love.
There's plenty of stuff in
t'fridge.
I've got to go to...
Skipton.
Grandad's car's been stolen.
Tell me about when me dad died.
What, now?
Well... you know.
I... I've told you.
Not everything.
Robbie turned up outside the
school gates this aft'.
Robbie?
He said summat... weird.
Robbie's a mad bastard.
D'you know what he thinks?
Yeah, course I know.
He tried to have me arrested.
Like I hadn't enough to cope
with at the time.
Look, if you wanna
talk about this now, fine.
But you're gonna have to
come with me.
Ooh, it's hopeless. You can never
get hold of her at school.
She's always got it switched
off.
I've left a message anyway.
Right.
And if I get desperate,
I can always ring John.
Well...
Who'd have thought it?
Us here today, like this.
Were you really...
in love with me?
What can I get you?
Ooh. Um...
Er...
Oh.
What do you suppose
a crappuccino is, Alan?
Isn't that an F?
Is it? Where?
On the board.
Is it?
It's frappuccino. Coffee with ice.
They've always to muck everything
about these days, haven't they?
Still, if you're not taking risks,
you're not living.
That's what our William says,
and he lives in his bedroom,
so what does he know?
Oh, go on. I'll have one.
Well, following that impeccable
logic, I'll have one as well.
Thank you.
I'd forgotten you were a comedian.
I'd forgotten you were one!
You knew damn well
that didn't say "crappuccino"!
Well, people bother with you more if
they think you're senile.
I mean, look at that policeman.
Well, either that or they run a
mile, which can be equally
entertaining.
Were you really in love with me?
Mm.
I used to think about you...
when I was miserable with
Kenneth.
I used to wonder what you
were up to...
and who you were with...
and how different
things might have been if I'd
married a lad like you.
Did you think about me?
When you were with Eileen?
Now and again.
See, I don't think I ever stopped
thinking about you.
Oh...
We missed a trick, didn't we?
I can't believe Eileen
didn't give me that letter.
Well, we can't change it.
It's... it's such a big thing
not to have done.
She must have known.
Well, you've got Gillian and
Raffy,
and I've got my lot.
And I don't regret that,
do you?
Whatever else might have happened.
No. No! No. I-I...
Course not.
He says it wasn't an accident.
He says me dad wouldn't have been
that stupid.
Look...
He took risks with his biking,
right enough,
but calculated risks,
Robbie said.
He were big on safety on
t'farm.
Yeah, yeah, he was,
when he wasn't off his head
drunk.
Look... He said you argued...
all the time. Yeah, like thousands of
others.
Well, he said how, days
before he died,
you argued and told him
you'd like to see him dead.
Did he?
Well, I said you loved him
and he had to shut his mouth.
Right. Well, that's... Good for you.
Then he said how most of what he
deals with is stuff like this.
Domestics.
What you don't realise... He said
that every copper knows
people don't kill people they
couldn't give a toss about.
What you don't realise, Raff,
about Robbie is...
when Eddie...
when your dad died...
Jesus!
It warped him.
Robbie.
He couldn't accept it. He couldn't
come to terms with it.
He couldn't accept...
it just happened.
He had to blame someone.
So...
obvious choice.
Me.
He said one day he'd prove it.
He won't, will he?
No, love.
No.
Is that you, Ma?
Opening game, with serve...
Hard at it, are we?
I was gonna cook supper,
but you might have to.
Right.
I got a B in my science test
today, Ma,
and then I scored a try.
Good, well done.
He thinks if he lies like that
he'll be able to see up
the girlies' skirts on the telly,
We've been discussing your mother.
Have you?
"Age cannot wither her,
"nor custom stale her infinite
variety." Apparently.
Ignore him. He's drunk.
Really?
Mature love, Antony and
Cleopatra, all that claptrap.
You didn't tell me she had a fella.
She hasn't, it's just some old...
someone she writes to on the
e-mail.
Right, well, I'm off to Skipton
to pick her up. What?
She's been trying to get hold
of you. Oh!
She went to meet this Alan in Skipton
and then she pranged her car.
Is she all right?
Yeah, yeah, but the car's damaged, so
she needs picking up, so...
I'll go. I'll go.
I'll go!
So...
if I had written
and if we had kept in touch...
Going back to speculating.
Oh, well...
Maybe you'd have popped
down to visit me.
More than likely.
Then we might have gone
dancing.
I imagine so!
And then...
Then...
well...
we might have...
started...
Courting?
Yeah.
Except by then, I'd have met
Kenneth.
Would you?
Him with his university
education and his prospects.
Would that have been it, then?
I don't know.
You see, I think that's what I was
dazzled by - his prospects.
I wouldn't be now.
Now I know there are much more
important qualities a man can have,
but... then...
I wanted...
a nice house with a bit of garden
and a car.
Things my mum and dad had
never had.
So, no.
I would probably have made
the same mistakes.
I had prospects.
Oh, I know. I...
Not t'same as Kenneth, perhaps.
I wasn't comparing. I'm just...
saying...
And anyway, you weren't there.
No.
So...
But I'm here now.
You certainly are.
You told Michael bloody
Dobson of all people?!
That insidious little prick?
Are you cross?
No, Kate, I'm delighted, I'm
thrilled, I'm over the bloody moon!
Look, he's... I've gotta go,
I'm going, I'm driving.
Hey! Oi!
Sorry! Emergency.
Jesus!
Dad.
Oh, Gillian!
That was the most selfish,
mindless piece of driving
I have ever witnessed.
I won't be a minute, love.
Then you can have it.
You could see I'd got
my reversing lights on, you could
see I'd already started manoeuvring.
Yeah, well, if you keep your hair
on, I'll be less than 60 seconds.
Idiot! Snotty bitch!
Are you gonna let her
talk to you like that?
Mum, you all right?
Fine.
- This must be Alan.
- Yes.
How do you do? I'm
Caroline. How do you do?
Thank you for staying with
her till I got here.
We're gonna have to go - some
braindead lowlife trailer trash
stole my parking space.
And... you've met my daughter.
Sorry?
Gillian, this is Celia...
and Caroline.
Hello, Celia.
I've heard a lot about you.
I've met Caroline.
Right.
Well...
Now, then, we've got some
news for you.
For both of you.
We're getting married.
What did you say to him?
That we kissed twice.
I did this stupid thing.
We were thinking about having a
little engagement do.
There's something about you bending
over in a field
that makes me almost unable to
contain meself. Piss off, Paul.
Judith! I want you to come back.
Hello! Are you the taxi!
Dad!
We decided against an engagement
ring, so instead,
we bought a car between us.
It'd be like really good, if you
didn't mention this to Mum.
bring him
somewhere like this, you see.
Your dad. No.
Cos he'd dribble.
I tried to keep him neat.
If we went to, like,
the cafe in Sainsbury's,
I'd sit with my back to the wall
and him facing me.
Well, I had to.
It's off-putting for folk, isn't it?
They've come out for a coffee,
seeing someone like that.
You're feeling sorry for him,
aren't you?
No, I'm...
Yes, well, don't.
I looked after him, and it's more
than he would have done for me.
I told you about the pension?
Yes.
No provision for me.
No.
He were thinking I'd go first.
Well, yes, but...
But what?
It's not like you're without,
is it?
That isn't the point!
I was an inconvenience
for 50 years.
50 years!
Well, he's dead now, so...
You never liked him.
God, I make better coffee
than this in the microwave.
God, these glasses are mucky.
I've got a pen pal.
Did William tell you?
No.
This fella I was at school with.
Well, except that
he was a lad then, obviously.
I showed Gran how to put her details
on Facebook.
Well, so who is he?
Alan, he was called.
He still is!
Hang on, stop.
Start again. You...
When Granddad was...
He can talk for himself!
When I were at school,
there were this lass, this girl...
Who he fancied. Whatever.
Keep going!
Well, that's it, really.
No, it isn't.
Put his name on Facebook,
right.
Oh, aye! That's it.
And there she was. Celia Dawson.
Nee Armitage.
Her and Doreen Wilkinson.
Yeah, just two of 'em
out of t'whole year.
You're joking?
So, we wrote to her.
"We"?
Granddad were a bit nervous.
What for?
Well, I were in two minds.
So, you wrote to her, and...?
And she wrote back.
So, we kept it going!
Oh, it's all nowt.
It's all nowt.
We're just pen pals.
Except it's been a trip down
memory lane.
Well, sort of, given that...
Given that...?
Well, you see, he was in my
year but not in my form.
Gran was in the A stream.
And if he's who I think he is, then
not everything he says adds up.
You see, I think they lived up in the
wilds, somewhere up Stainland.
She lived in t'next street.
Only he talks
like he lived in the next street.
And if he did, well...
I'm beggared if I can place
him.
Well, I were amazed when
she wrote back.
I didn't think I were t'sort
someone like her would
remember. Why?
What sort's she?
Glamorous.
Oh, aye?
She always seemed... a bit better
spoken than the rest, and I...
I were on t'shy side and
gormless.
So, where is she now?
Harrogate. She's got a little
flat at her daughter's house.
Last time he saw her was in
1953. Really?!
Yeah, her dad got a job down in
Sheffield and that were it - off
they went.
He was heartbroken.
Did she know you had a...
thing about her?
Oh, she'd not look at me twice.
I've told him. He wants to invite
himself over.
Yeah! Why not? Say you're passing.
Say... you're in Harrogate anyway
and would she like to meet up for a
cup of tea?
Your Uncle Robbie's here,
Raff. Yes!
Half an hour early.
Want you back by five.
No way!
Told you this last time.
I made it clear.
Mum, it doesn't finish while five.
How are we gonna get back here by
five?
Hiya, Robbie.
Raff.
I want him back by five.
Right. No, not "right",
like you're just saying it to
shut me up.
"Right!", like you're heard
what I've said and it's sunk in.
Right.
He's got homework.
I've done it!
When?!
I'll ring yer.
# ...Run for your lives... #
Bastard.
Why don't you ask him for a photo if
you can't picture him?
She's got one. He sent one.
On the e-mail.
Only I'm none the wiser, as folk
change so much, don't they?
Especially men.
That's John's car.
Dad's here.
Hi. Hello.
I let myself in.
So I see.
Hi, Will.
I'm off upstairs.
Didn't know you had a key.
Do you want it back?
Either way.
How's your mother?
Fine. Good.
Why are you here?
Do you want to give us a
few minutes? Sure.
Um... I'm tempted to say it's a
long story, but it isn't really.
In fact, it's pretty
straightforward.
Turns out...
Judith's a bit of an alcoholic.
I knew she had a significant
relationship with the stuff,
I knew she liked a drink, but,
um,
yeah...
didn't realise the extent of it.
Has she tried to get help?
Oh, yeah. More than once.
I don't think it's something
that'll sort itself out overnight.
Well, if ever, in fact, so...
Yeah.
So, how does this involve me?
I've made a terrible mistake,
Caroline.
Oh, I see.
You want to come back?
What do you think?
I don't know.
I was dazzled.
It's pathetic, isn't it?
Even more so when you see
what a ridiculous
empty-headed mess she...
Sorry. You don't want to hear
this.
That's so selfish!
Out of necessity, I suppose.
You can't imagine it until
you've...
Sorry.
I suppose I never have.
Seen it before, up close.
The real McCoy.
And it's only now I realise...
how much of a fool I've made
of myself.
And to have thrown away all this here
with you and the boys.
And for what?
It's appalling.
It's abysmal, it's unthinkable.
"I am planning a trip
up to Skipton next week.
"Possibly Monday."
"If you fancied meeting up for
a coffee,
"it would be a wonderful
opportunity to...
"Would you fancy meeting up
for a coffee?
"...a cup of coffee?
"I appreciate that you
probably have much more
interesting things to do...
"...that you may already
have your week planned...
"...but if you did happen
to be available...
"...free...
"...it would be very nice to
see you."
"With very best wishes...
"Best wishes, Alan."
Hello?
Alan, it's Robbie.
Lad's come off his bike.
Is Gillian there?
Er, no, no. She's...
Ambulance is here.
They're taking him to
t'Princess Royal.
Shall I see you there, then, or
what?
Yeah, but what's he done?
I dunno. He's...
Well, he's conscious now,
anyway, so...
Yeah, well, see you there. Ta.
Gillian!
Where is he?
He's in wi' t'doctor.
Well, congratulations, Robbie.
Finally got what you wanted.
What are you talking about?
Oh, you know.
This is what I wanted, him flat on
his back in an ambulance? You love
that every Saturday I go through
hell worrying about him getting
hurt.
I know you've got a screw loose,
Gillian, so I won't push it,
but you'd better apologise for that.
Oh, yeah, that's happening!
Come on, calm down.
I go biking with Raff because
he loves it.
I love it. Eddie loved it. It's in
us blood. So, don't you come
and accuse me...
Yeah, and if you hadn't raked
up all that bloody trouble
when Eddie died, nobody'd have
reason to think you took
any satisfaction! No, don't.
You're lucky I let you have 'owt to
do with him. Yeah?
Well, you're lucky that you've not
had him taken off yer.
Raff, lad!
Oh, God, you had me worried!
Oh, they fussed, Mother.
I said, I don't need an ambulance,
I don't need an X-ray,
I'm made like rubber, but...
nobody were listening.
Hello.
John's gone.
He's gone to fetch some of his
things. He's moving back in.
Right. I've told him he'll have to
sleep in another room.
It seems very easy for him
after all that he's done.
It turns out she's an alcoholic.
And he's just discovered this?
After goodness knows how
many months?
He knew she had a problem -
he didn't know the extent of it.
He wants to meet me in
Skipton for a cup of coffee.
Oh, your, um...
Alan. Are you going?
No.
D'you think I'm making a
mistake?
Doesn't matter what I think,
love.
"Dear Alan.
"Sadly...
"Unfortunately...
"I would be delighted to meet
you in Skipton on Monday."
I'll put the kettle on.
Just you pause there a
second, lad.
If you jack this in -
properly, once and for all...
I'll buy you a car
when you pass your test.
Why?
Because that's how much
your mum can't stand it.
She lost your dad.
She doesn't want to lose you.
Hi, Lawrence.
Give us a hand.
Yeah, right!
Um, do you... really want me
to sleep in the spare room?
Just so I know
where to put my stuff. Um...
I've got the Independent
Schools Inspectorate coming
in this week and...
Just don't push it, all right?
Kicking off to number
36 in the pop charts...
What did you say to Raffy?
Hm?
About buying him a car?
Oh...
He does his own thing, Dad.
If he wants to be friends with
Robbie, fine. I hate him.
Dozy pillock.
But...
he's Eddie's brother.
And Raff has to make up his
own mind about folk.
I asked him not to tell you.
Yeah, I appreciate that.
I appreciate you interfering.
I love it when you interfere!
But I'm not stopping him
doing stuff he likes doing.
He has to outgrow
things... naturally, and then he
won't resent people.
Me.
I'm meeting her.
In Skipton on Monday.
Are you?
Mm.
Are you?! Mm.
Well, if she turns up.
Why wouldn't she?
Well, I dunno.
I don't know that I'll have
enough to say to her,
enough to keep a
conversation going.
Perhaps I should find an
excuse. What for?
I did ask her out once.
Did you?
So?
Oh, she never turned up.
I stood there nearly two
hours, then after,
I found out that's when
she'd gone to Sheffield.
That same day.
You're kidding?
She's probably forgotten.
That were a rotten trick.
Well, it might not have been.
She might just have forgotten.
If they were flitting, she'd have had
a lot on her mind, and, er...
well, you know, we were only kids,
teenagers, so...
Aw, Dad.
Well, you don't have to go.
Oh, I can't pull out now.
And it were 60 years ago.
So what?
I thought the sun shone
out of her.
I can still feel that feeling I felt
when I looked at her.
You've been married to me mother for
50 years since then.
Oh, I know. I...
I loved your mum.
We were...
pals.
But Celia...
It were more like...
I dunno.
Now Heaven walks on Earth.
Is that a line from something?
Probably. Oh.
It will be.
Shakespeare.
One of that crowd. Yeah.
# ...and closer cling
# To our Lord, and to his
altar... # Morning.
# ...There ourselves an
offering bring
# Serving thee, our heavenly
Father
# From the dawn to set of sun
# Serving thee in life's young
morning
# Till our work on Earth is
done... #
Good morning.
Good morning.
- Morning.
- Good morning.
Oh, sod it.
There's your tea.
Thank you.
And your change.
Oh, thank you very much.
Alan?
Celia.
How are you?
Oh, I'm... not so bad.
Er... how are you?
Oh, I'm all right.
Good.
Good, good.
Oh, that's, er...
Oh, I know who you are now.
Sorry?
Penny dropped as soon as I
saw you.
You didn't know who I was?
I didn't for long enough.
I sent you a photograph.
Even with the photograph, I
was thinking you were that
other Alan, up at Stainland.
Alan... Robertshaw?
Robertshaw!
With spindly legs?
SHE LAUGHS
Had he? Spaghetti Legs, my dad
called him.
I don't remember his legs.
Now, you lived in the next
street.
I didn't realise there was
a... confusion.
Are you disappointed?
No!
How was your journey?
Oh, it was fine, thank you.
Only, um...
What can I get you?
Oh, she'll come over.
Only what?
Well, I didn't, um...
get a-a ticket for the...
Oh!
...for the car park.
I didn't have the right change.
Do you want to go back?
No, let me get you something first.
Then I'll...
Isn't it odd?
Things you remember and
things you don't.
Yes, always.
Didn't you ask me out once?
Did I?
Mm, you probably don't
remember.
Um...
You did.
Oh!
Yeah, that's right.
Then I couldn't come.
Because it was when
we were moving to Sheffield.
Oh. Yeah.
And we went a day early.
I can't remember why now.
It'll be my mother not being
organised.
You go and get your ticket.
Can I have a latte, please?
D'you know, it's ringing a bell.
Now you've said it.
Good.
But you got my note.
Did I?
Yeah. What note?
I sent you a note to say I
couldn't come.
I gave it to Eileen Pickford
to give to you.
Eileen? Yeah.
To say I was sorry
I was letting you down, but...
this was my new address in Sheffield
so you could write to me.
Did you?!
Oh, don't tell me you didn't
get it?
You didn't? No!
Oh!
Well, it's a good job you'd
forgotten.
Cos otherwise you'd have
spent the last 60 years
thinking I'd stood you up!
You go and get your ticket.
OK.
Kate...
Kate.
Have you got five minutes?
Just take a...
Sit down.
Very formal.
John turned up on Saturday.
He...
He wants to move back in, so...
so I said yes.
For the boys' sake.
When you say move back in,
does that mean...?
I don't know what it means,
exactly.
Yet.
I'm amazed.
After everything he's done.
After everything you've said.
It's mainly for the boys.
God knows we see enough of
it here,
parents who put their children
anywhere except first.
They think they do until it
comes to their own
convenience and...
ha...
Happiness.
I don't wanna be like that.
He doesn't put them first.
Yes, well, perhaps all the more
reason why I should.
Look...
I'm very...
fond...
of you.
You know that. I just...
don't think I can do this any
more.
Obviously we can be friends.
But, um...
the other thing, it...
it's not me.
I mean, it's not not me,
I'm just not, you know...
ready...
to go there.
I've got 9F.
Bad luck!
Sorry.
I am sorry.
Oh, God.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Keep calm.
Can I have a packet of 20,
please?
How old are you?
You know how old I am. You asked me
that t'other night.
Right, can I see your ID?
Thank you.
You going up to t'White Horse again
Friday night? This Friday?
No. Probably not.
Why not?
Stuff to do.
Have you 'eck.
That's a shame, cos I thought
I might buy you a few beers.
Again.
That's £6.30.
Oh...
I'll be there anyway.
If you're feeling... lonely.
Right.
Mind how you go.
Ooh!
Is that what you thought?
Sorry?
That I'd stood you up.
Well, um...
You must have done.
Well, I suppose I might have.
You did!
Y... Well...
Oh, how embarrassing.
How sad. No, look, it's water
under t'bridge.
I think my car's...
I really hoped you'd write.
Did you? Yes.
I waited for a letter.
Never occurred to me
she wouldn't give it to you.
'Appen she were jealous.
'Appen she forgot.
Well... And I probably just assumed
you just didn't have time to bother
writing.
No, no! No, Celia. I'd have written
if I'd got it.
Well, that's the last time I'll
ask Eileen Pickford to do
anything for me.
She's dead. Is she?
Well, that'll teach her.
D'you know, it's all come back to me
just now, just seeing your face.
I married her.
Eileen.
She were Gillian's mother.
Oh, good Lord. Aye.
Well, she was a nice lass.
I think my car's been stolen.
What?
Yeah, it's a blue Vauxhall
Astra.
Sure, yeah.
I can't say mine was a happy
marriage, cos it wasn't.
I don't say that to everyone.
He wasn't the most faithful of
husbands, shall we say?
Not just once, either.
There was a whole string of them,
a whole stream of them.
What's the collective noun for women
who aren't very fussy?
Sorry, that too much
information?
No.
See, Caroline says it takes two
people to make a marriage go wrong.
I don't believe that.
She probably gets sick of me
going on about it.
Well, she does.
She says he's dead,
get over it.
Well, not in so many words,
but that's what it amounts to.
I'm sorry.
Tell me about Eileen.
Oh, we were very happy.
Happy enough. Very... steady.
Then she developed Alzheimer's.
She didn't know me at t'finish.
Fancy her not giving you my
letter.
She must have liked you.
So, I've processed your
information, Mr Buttershaw,
concerning your vehicle.
How are you fixed for getting
home?
Oh... Oh, I...
In broad daylight?
In Skipton?
You're joking.
So, I were, er, wondering if you
could come and pick me up?
Not straightaway necessarily.
Well, yeah... Thank you.
I don't know why
you won't let me drive you.
You been to the police?
Yeah, well, it's a long way,
and then you'd only have to drive
back to Harrogate.
Er, yes, course we've been
t'police.
It's only 40 miles or so,
isn't it?
And have you got your pills
with you? Yes. Yes, yes.
Um, and have you some
cash on you?
Er, yes, I'm OK there.
So, you're basically all right?
Well, it were a bit of a shock.
And, er...
they're not optimistic
about getting it back.
Not all in one piece, anyway!
Right.
Well, I'll set off as soon as I
can after four, OK?
OK.
Dad...
Dad, I'm gonna have to go.
Oh, OK.
Ta-ta, love.
Right, keep in touch.
Yeah, ta-ta.
Well, she doesn't get off till,
er... four,
otherwise she'd be straight
over.
I'm not a bad driver,
if that's what you're thinking.
We could pop down to Elland,
we could... look up a few
of our old haunts.
Gillian were heartbroken
when her Eddie died.
All over t'place.
A farm to run.
Never enough money. That's why she
works at t'supermarket.
That's why I moved in -
she was struggling.
I've still got my little house.
Oh, have you? Mm.
Up Barkisland. A lovely view.
I rent it out. Which suits me.
I... I didn't like it on me own.
Oh, I'm used to it.
I've felt like I've been on me
own for the past 40 years.
I'm sorry you've been so
unhappy.
It isn't your fault.
Well, it's not what you
deserve.
My memory of you is smiling.
Lovely big smile.
You were radiant.
Oh!
It's a long time since anyone's
called me that!
You still are.
That's... It is!
That's... that's my car!
You're joking?!
I'm not!
I'm not! That's my
registration plate!
Right...
What are you doing? You get on the
phone to the police
and I'll put me foot down.
Well, w-what shall I ring?
999?
Yes, if you like.
That's emergency.
Well, this is an emergency.
Oh, shut up!
What?
No, not you. Oh, God!
Where's reverse when you bloody well
need it?
Oh...
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Oh, h-h-hello. Yes, er, police,
please.
I just have a heart condition.
Buttershaw, Alan.
Have you?
Far Slack Farm, Ripponden.
West Yorkshire. HX5 7LD.
I'm supposed to avoid
excitement.
Er, yeah, my car's just been
stolen, I've just reported it.
But now we've just spotted it and now
we're just following it.
At speed.
We're... Where are we?
We're on the B437,
heading back to Skipton.
We're on the B437,
heading back to Skipton.
Er, it's a blue Vauxhall Astra.
Yes, yes, we're right behind
'em.
What's this road? Well, it's
wiggly, anyway. It's by t'canal.
Now we're going over a little
bridge.
Oh.
Hang onto your hat.
I am doing!
Oh, heck!
Oh...
Careful!
Oh!
Not-not-not sure where we
are now.
Yeah, Albert Street.
Well, w... In fact, we've just left
Albert Street. We're now in...
Well, I dunno, summat else.
Oh, my...
...God!
Oh! Oh.
W-What?
Are we all right?
Yeah, are you all right?
Yes. Oh, God.
I'm so sorry. I...
Oh, my God!
Oh!
I'm so sorry. Oh.
No, I'm sorry. You've...
Yeah, a silver A-class.
Yeah...
It was 20 years ago
first time it happened.
I had to take early retirement.
Then I had a funny do
ten years after that.
On holiday. I should be dead, really!
Good heavens.
Still, we've had an adventure!
I wonder what would have
happened...
if Eileen had given you that
letter.
We'll never know.
Well, we could speculate.
I'd certainly have written.
There's very little doubt about
that.
What would you have put?
Er, "Dear Celia," I'd have put,
"thank you for sending me your
address."
And then what?
I've no idea.
We wouldn't have got very far,
then, would we?
"I am sorry that you were unable to
turn up.
"At least, however, I weren't left
standing there for two hours
"on t'bridge outside t'church
in t'snow,
"as I might have been
had you not written."
You weren't?
Well, not the snow bit, obviously,
it were July, but, er...
I thought you said
you couldn't remember it.
Yeah, well...
I lied.
I remember it like it were
yesterday.
I were gutted.
Oh, Alan.
And there was me in Sheffield
thinking you didn't want
to write to me.
Ah, but you didn't feel t'same way
about me as I felt about you.
How do you know I didn't?
Cor...! I'd been waiting for you
to ask me out for months.
Years.
Two hours ago, you thought I was
someone with spindly legs
from up Stainland.
I knew damn well who you
were the first time you wrote.
I was pretending.
Pretending to myself.
Why?!
Because...
I did like you, a lot.
But I was never sure
how you really felt about me,
not when you didn't write,
and...
Oh, well, I can say it now because
it was 200 years ago and...
because I'm shameless and...
if I don't say it now,
I never will.
I was in love with you.
Right! Statements.
Who wants to go first?
Mrs Buttershaw?
We're not married.
Got your text.
Yeah, I got yours.
You're not jacking it in.
It's like I told you...
Get in.
You've gotta get straight back
on.
That's what your dad would've said.
That's what your dad would've done.
It upsets me mum too much. You can't
live your life not doing stuff
just because your...
But it shook me up as well.
You're just saying that.
This is about Gillian not wanting
you to have 'owt to do wi' me.
No, it isn't.
I'm gonna tell you summat
now, Raff, about your mother,
about why she don't like you and me
bothering wi' each other.
When our Eddie...
When your dad died,
you know what happened?
Yeah. Ish.
Wasn't an accident.
This is my personal theory.
You know what happened,
right? Yeah.
Death by misadventure. Yeah.
Bollocks.
She killed him.
Make yourself some tea, love.
There's plenty of stuff in
t'fridge.
I've got to go to...
Skipton.
Grandad's car's been stolen.
Tell me about when me dad died.
What, now?
Well... you know.
I... I've told you.
Not everything.
Robbie turned up outside the
school gates this aft'.
Robbie?
He said summat... weird.
Robbie's a mad bastard.
D'you know what he thinks?
Yeah, course I know.
He tried to have me arrested.
Like I hadn't enough to cope
with at the time.
Look, if you wanna
talk about this now, fine.
But you're gonna have to
come with me.
Ooh, it's hopeless. You can never
get hold of her at school.
She's always got it switched
off.
I've left a message anyway.
Right.
And if I get desperate,
I can always ring John.
Well...
Who'd have thought it?
Us here today, like this.
Were you really...
in love with me?
What can I get you?
Ooh. Um...
Er...
Oh.
What do you suppose
a crappuccino is, Alan?
Isn't that an F?
Is it? Where?
On the board.
Is it?
It's frappuccino. Coffee with ice.
They've always to muck everything
about these days, haven't they?
Still, if you're not taking risks,
you're not living.
That's what our William says,
and he lives in his bedroom,
so what does he know?
Oh, go on. I'll have one.
Well, following that impeccable
logic, I'll have one as well.
Thank you.
I'd forgotten you were a comedian.
I'd forgotten you were one!
You knew damn well
that didn't say "crappuccino"!
Well, people bother with you more if
they think you're senile.
I mean, look at that policeman.
Well, either that or they run a
mile, which can be equally
entertaining.
Were you really in love with me?
Mm.
I used to think about you...
when I was miserable with
Kenneth.
I used to wonder what you
were up to...
and who you were with...
and how different
things might have been if I'd
married a lad like you.
Did you think about me?
When you were with Eileen?
Now and again.
See, I don't think I ever stopped
thinking about you.
Oh...
We missed a trick, didn't we?
I can't believe Eileen
didn't give me that letter.
Well, we can't change it.
It's... it's such a big thing
not to have done.
She must have known.
Well, you've got Gillian and
Raffy,
and I've got my lot.
And I don't regret that,
do you?
Whatever else might have happened.
No. No! No. I-I...
Course not.
He says it wasn't an accident.
He says me dad wouldn't have been
that stupid.
Look...
He took risks with his biking,
right enough,
but calculated risks,
Robbie said.
He were big on safety on
t'farm.
Yeah, yeah, he was,
when he wasn't off his head
drunk.
Look... He said you argued...
all the time. Yeah, like thousands of
others.
Well, he said how, days
before he died,
you argued and told him
you'd like to see him dead.
Did he?
Well, I said you loved him
and he had to shut his mouth.
Right. Well, that's... Good for you.
Then he said how most of what he
deals with is stuff like this.
Domestics.
What you don't realise... He said
that every copper knows
people don't kill people they
couldn't give a toss about.
What you don't realise, Raff,
about Robbie is...
when Eddie...
when your dad died...
Jesus!
It warped him.
Robbie.
He couldn't accept it. He couldn't
come to terms with it.
He couldn't accept...
it just happened.
He had to blame someone.
So...
obvious choice.
Me.
He said one day he'd prove it.
He won't, will he?
No, love.
No.
Is that you, Ma?
Opening game, with serve...
Hard at it, are we?
I was gonna cook supper,
but you might have to.
Right.
I got a B in my science test
today, Ma,
and then I scored a try.
Good, well done.
He thinks if he lies like that
he'll be able to see up
the girlies' skirts on the telly,
We've been discussing your mother.
Have you?
"Age cannot wither her,
"nor custom stale her infinite
variety." Apparently.
Ignore him. He's drunk.
Really?
Mature love, Antony and
Cleopatra, all that claptrap.
You didn't tell me she had a fella.
She hasn't, it's just some old...
someone she writes to on the
e-mail.
Right, well, I'm off to Skipton
to pick her up. What?
She's been trying to get hold
of you. Oh!
She went to meet this Alan in Skipton
and then she pranged her car.
Is she all right?
Yeah, yeah, but the car's damaged, so
she needs picking up, so...
I'll go. I'll go.
I'll go!
So...
if I had written
and if we had kept in touch...
Going back to speculating.
Oh, well...
Maybe you'd have popped
down to visit me.
More than likely.
Then we might have gone
dancing.
I imagine so!
And then...
Then...
well...
we might have...
started...
Courting?
Yeah.
Except by then, I'd have met
Kenneth.
Would you?
Him with his university
education and his prospects.
Would that have been it, then?
I don't know.
You see, I think that's what I was
dazzled by - his prospects.
I wouldn't be now.
Now I know there are much more
important qualities a man can have,
but... then...
I wanted...
a nice house with a bit of garden
and a car.
Things my mum and dad had
never had.
So, no.
I would probably have made
the same mistakes.
I had prospects.
Oh, I know. I...
Not t'same as Kenneth, perhaps.
I wasn't comparing. I'm just...
saying...
And anyway, you weren't there.
No.
So...
But I'm here now.
You certainly are.
You told Michael bloody
Dobson of all people?!
That insidious little prick?
Are you cross?
No, Kate, I'm delighted, I'm
thrilled, I'm over the bloody moon!
Look, he's... I've gotta go,
I'm going, I'm driving.
Hey! Oi!
Sorry! Emergency.
Jesus!
Dad.
Oh, Gillian!
That was the most selfish,
mindless piece of driving
I have ever witnessed.
I won't be a minute, love.
Then you can have it.
You could see I'd got
my reversing lights on, you could
see I'd already started manoeuvring.
Yeah, well, if you keep your hair
on, I'll be less than 60 seconds.
Idiot! Snotty bitch!
Are you gonna let her
talk to you like that?
Mum, you all right?
Fine.
- This must be Alan.
- Yes.
How do you do? I'm
Caroline. How do you do?
Thank you for staying with
her till I got here.
We're gonna have to go - some
braindead lowlife trailer trash
stole my parking space.
And... you've met my daughter.
Sorry?
Gillian, this is Celia...
and Caroline.
Hello, Celia.
I've heard a lot about you.
I've met Caroline.
Right.
Well...
Now, then, we've got some
news for you.
For both of you.
We're getting married.
What did you say to him?
That we kissed twice.
I did this stupid thing.
We were thinking about having a
little engagement do.
There's something about you bending
over in a field
that makes me almost unable to
contain meself. Piss off, Paul.
Judith! I want you to come back.
Hello! Are you the taxi!
Dad!
We decided against an engagement
ring, so instead,
we bought a car between us.
It'd be like really good, if you
didn't mention this to Mum.