Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 9, Episode 7 - Preschool Confidential - full transcript
Hey, hon. What's up?
Are you being polite
but hoping I don't answer
because the game is on
or do you really want to know?
Well, it's halftime, so it's
kind of a little bit of both.
Well, I'm really frustrated.
Our high school funding bill
is a no-brainer,
but I am hitting
nothing but roadblocks.
Roadblock, roadblock...
Well, may I suggest vlog 309.
It's a light, airy take on
the inefficiency of government.
- Okay.
- Oh, a little more robust,
flavorful,
but a perkiness to it...
All right, stop.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
(chuckles) You are actually
making me want wine.
- Mm.
- So, go, you go watch your game.
All right.
Sounds like you need
a little bucking up.
♪ Yo, you're V. Baxter,
the taskmaster ♪
♪ Education czar
to Assemblywoman Osgood ♪
♪ Passing bills,
writing legislation ♪
♪ Changing the world. ♪
(Vanessa laughs)
You are very sweet, Jen,
but it... really,
it's more like, uh, uh...
♪ Having ideas ♪
♪ Watering them down... ♪
(sighs) Losing faith. I'm...
We have great news.
- Sarah got into Radford Academy.
- (laughs)
-(gasps)
-KRISTIN: Can you believe
that, Mom?
Radford. That's so cool.
That is good news.
- I'm gonna go tell Dad
while it's still halftime.
- Okay.
Congratulations.
Go, Sarah! Yeah!
Mom, you have to fix this.
Fix what?
Evelyn didn't get in.
She's only on the wait list.
- Oh...
- You have to help me.
Honey, but I...
What can I do? I...
Do you know Anne Fairbanks?
She's the principal.
Oh, Annie, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She and I used
to teach together.
They would call us
Annie and Vannie,
the double whammy.
(both laugh)
- No way.
- It is possible everybody
was having a little fun
at your expense.
Which... Okay, wait, wait, wait.
So you are on an Annie basis
- with Principal Fairbanks?
- Well, uh...
Mom, please, help me.
Actually, no, no.
Help your sweet,
loving granddaughter.
♪ So get off your fanny
and go call Annie. ♪
♪
Oh, I don't know
if I can call Annie.
Just... I hate asking for favors.
It's so, ugh, sweaty.
Well, Mom, please,
you-you have to.
Radford is amazing.
They actually learn things.
They-they teach them French.
Sure, why teach them Mandarin?
We only rule the world.
Look, honey,
I'll try, but it's just...
It's just not my strong suit.
I-I even have a hard time asking
for a better table
at Angelina's,
and I play tennis with Angelina.
Well, I believe in you.
Yes. Grease those wheels.
Shake that tree.
Pull some strings.
Americans have so many different
ways of saying "cheat."
And I want my daughter to learn
how to say it in French.
(chuckles)
MIKE: Hey, Reverend.
- Great sermon today.
- Ah, thanks.
But I can't take all the glory.
- Some of it's God.
- Mm. Yeah.
You know what I particularly
liked, was when you said,
"God created everything
in his own image
except... the Las Vegas
Raiders." Ha, ha.
For the last time, Mike,
I did not steal your line.
Eh, I said it, you heard it,
you repeat it, I get no credit.
I tell you what.
I'll mention you next week.
- I'm doing a talk on pettiness.
- Great.
Oh, hey, Mr. B.
- Hey.
- Uh, I fixed the sign, Reverend.
And again,
I'm sorry for the mistake.
Well, no problem, Kyle.
Only a few people noticed
it said "Jesus Shaves."
MIKE: Good, though.
Hey, anyway, listen, uh,
I guess we're good
for hunting next Saturday.
God a text from Ed
right during the sermon.
Woke me right up.
Shoot, I forgot I was gonna ask
if you could paint
the community room Saturday.
- He's going hunting with me.
- Oh, no, uh, sorry, Mr. B.
I-If I don't paint it, it won't
get done, and needs to get done.
- Thank you, Kyle.
- Yeah, no problem.
All right, I'll see you later,
Mr. B.
What?
First you steal my jokes,
then you steal
whatever Kyle is to me.
Have you ever heard
of the Ten Commandments?
VANESSA: Oh.
It has been too long,
Annie. (chuckles)
I mean, don't think
we've spoken since...
uh, since you started
at Radford.
Uh, congratulations.
Oh, please. Look at you!
You're working
for Assembly Member Osgood.
It must be such a rush being
so close to all that power.
Oh, yes. (chuckles) Yeah.
In the state's pecking order,
if 563 people drop dead,
I'm governor. (laughs)
(laughs)
Oh, no. I-I mean, I don't...
I don't want them to die,
of course.
And-and... and I know it sounds
like I've researched this,
but-but... but really, I just...
I made up that number. I...
I don't want them
to die, either,
but you would make
a great governor.
Oh. That's sweet. Um...
(clears throat) Uh, look, I-I...
I'm-I'm a little nervous.
I'm-I'm not really good
at calling people and asking
for, you know, uh, favors.
Vannie, it's me.
How can I help?
Uh, well, um... (clears throat)
Well, you probably know this,
uh, or maybe
you don't know this already,
but my-my granddaughter
Evelyn Vogelson
is on the waitlist for Radford.
I didn't know
she was your granddaughter.
I knew that Sarah Anderson was.
Mandy's always posting
pictures of her on your page.
- Mm.
- She's adorable.
Well, no.
She can be a little much.
Oh, Sarah. No, Sarah.
Yes. Oh, yes. (laughs)
Adorable. Yes.
As soon as I saw her name,
I moved the application
to the top of the stack.
Gosh, now I feel terrible.
I-I was actually calling
to ask for your help
with Evelyn's application.
Oh, consider her in. No proble.
I mean,
how can I ever repay you?
Seriously, anything you need.
(laughing):
Don't worry about it.
Radford Academy is happy
to accommodate anyone
from the assembly member's
office. (laughs)
No. No. No, no, no, no.
I-I wasn't calling you
in any, um, official capacity.
I was just, you know,
loving grandma to-to old friend.
Mm-hmm. Of course. I hear you.
This conversation
never happened.
Uh, no. No, no. No, it happened.
It's happening.
Please just stop winking. D...
I completely understand.
And it's not like we expect
the assembly member to approve-
oh, I don't know...
A parking lot variance
that we've been
having trouble with.
- What now?!
- (Laughing)
Anything
for an old friend, right?
Got to run.
I need to send Evelyn's parents
our acceptance packet.
- Bye-bye, Vannie.
- No! Wait! Wait.
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait!
Annie, no!
Oh. (sputters)
Morning, Vanessa.
How did you sleep?
Well, I must have been restless,
because my smart watch
logged three miles.
(Vanessa sighs)
(Jen clears throat)
Uh, how did you sleep, Jen?
Oh, me?
I tossed and turned all night
thinking about how the dirty
gears of government get used
to crank
through personal agendas.
If you are talking
about that phone call,
I... look, I thought about it
all night long,
and I didn't do anything wrong.
It was all Annie.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
- Hey.
- Hey, what are you guys
doing here?
Well, uh, I brought you this.
- Ooh, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
You know it's only 9:00.
(laughs)
I mean... No, it's early for me.
Well, now that I've been a mom
for a while, I get the drinking.
(laughter)
Well, I just wanted to thank you
for getting Evelyn into Radford.
She's gonna be a Pelican!
Congratulations
on pulling strings.
Didn't Lori Loughlin do time
in the clink for that?
(guttural hiss)
I-I'm just happy
everything worked out.
I know. Well,
now Sarah and Evelyn get
to be at the same school.
It's so great!
I know, and it's all thanks
to you, Mom.
Mm, well, I didn't really
do anything.
But I'm keeping the wine.
Well, I better get going.
I've only got three months
to convince Evelyn
that we don't bite our friends.
Bye.
- Best news ever. Yay!
- (door closes)
No yay. Worst news ever.
What's wrong?
Mom, Sarah got in on her own.
And then you had
to go twist somebody's arm
and get Evelyn in, too.
And now it makes
Sarah getting in less special.
No. Honey, Sarah may have gotten
special treatment, also.
Uh, I don't think so, okay?
Sarah got in
because of her talents.
We sent a horsey
she drew with her application.
All right. Mandy, I'm sorry.
Look, Annie knew
she was my granddaughter.
She did it for me.
You sure, Mom?
Or could this be like
when you think
that people are complimenting
your dancing?
- Hey!
- Ooh.
Vanessa,
some flowers came for you.
- Oh.
- From Anne Fairbanks.
It doesn't mean anything.
You know, in the old days,
people would
send each other flowers
after every phone call.
"So happy to have your
granddaughters at our school."
It's nice.
And-and totally aboveboard.
"Say hi to Theresa Osgood
for me."
Semicolon, parentheses,
semicolon, parentheses.
What does that last part mean?
It's an emoji.
It means, "Wink, wink."
- What do you mean,
Kyle's not hunting with us?
- Yeah.
Without him,
it's just two old guys
sitting around a fire...
bitching about things.
I like having Kyle with us.
He runs after stuff we kill.
- He's faster than the dog.
- Yes. Yes.
- He spruces up the cabin.
- Yeah.
And that chili of his.
(laughing): Oh, it's a...
- It's like hunting
with Martha Stewart.
- Yeah.
That woman can make a cake rise
at 10,000 feet.
- Ah.
- Well, look at that.
If it isn't Reverend Paul's
new little paint buddy.
Yeah.
Did he really call me that?
Come on, son. Come on.
You got to come hunting with us.
Come on now.
Well, you know I can't say "no"
to you, Mr. Alzate.
Good. There you go.
But no.
Come on, Kyle.
You're a grown man.
You don't have to listen
to somebody just because
he's wearing a robe and a fancy
silk sash like he's Prince.
ED: Come on, now,
be a little selfish...
It's underrated.
(phone chimes)
Oh, yeah. It's Reverend Paul.
He's asking me to, uh, put some
hymnals into storage after work.
- Perfect time
to put your foot down.
- Yep.
Okay.
Okay, I'll, uh,
I'll tell him to wait.
-ED: Good.
-For a few minutes,
'cause I'm gonna stop on the way
and get him a smoothie.
He loves raspberry-mango.
- ED: Hmm.
- MIKE: Yeah.
Martha Stewart
can make a smoothie
out of acorns and lake water.
♪
Mm. Good you're here.
I was just about
to call Annie back.
Shouldn't you get
a burner phone?
(video call ringing)
No, there is not going to be
any dealmaking.
I am going to do
the ethical thing.
(line chimes)
Oh, hey. Hi, Annie.
Vannie! I didn't expect to hear
from you again so soon.
Well, I hope
I'm not Anne-oying you.
(laughing)
Still making
those delightful puns.
Is there something else
that I can do for you?
Mm. Well, actually,
I just need to clarify
our last conversation.
I don't want my granddaughters'
acceptance to your school
to be a "quid pro quo" thing.
No, of course not.
VANESSA: Uh, no...
Now, uh, now, I'm serious.
I'm... I-I was calling you
as a friend,
not as an employee
of an elected official.
I get it.
Perhaps we can discuss it
next time you visit.
There will be plenty of parkin.
- (chuckling)
- No.
Stop. Stop. Please.
Just stop winking. Look, uh...
the thing is,
with my granddaughters there,
I'm gonna have to be
even stricter on Radford.
What do you mean?
Well, I-I can't help you
with the parking lot.
I don't trade favors.
I-I don't even want
the appearance of misconduct.
You understand.
Of course. I understand.
Thank you.
You know, to really avoid
the "appearance of misconduct,"
maybe Sarah and Evelyn
shouldn't be Pelicans at all.
Wait. No. Annie.
-Annie.
-It's Anne!
Have a good day, Vanessa.
What the hell!?
Heading up to bed. Come on up.
What's the point?
I won't sleep, anyway.
Well, you don't have
to go to sleep right away.
Way to read the room, Mike.
(sighs):
You know,
I try to help the girls,
but they just end up
upset with me.
I mean, look at this.
Kris is furious. Mandy is, too.
Mandy's not upset. Look at that.
She sent you
that cute little emoji...
Soft serve ice cream
with a big smile.
Or somebody
that needs probiotics.
- (groans): I hate politics.
- Of course you do,
'cause you're a kind,
loving woman with morals.
- And I love that about you.
- (wry chuckle)
Well, I try.
Well, stop.
(chuckles):
What? What, are you telling me
to just quit?
I'm not telling you anything.
I'm gonna ask you a question.
Why did you get into politics
in the first place?
Well, you know.
I mean, to-to do good things,
for the schools, for
the students, blah, blah, blah.
But without compromising
my integrity.
Ah. So you thought you'd be
the one to rise above it all.
Well, why can't I?
You know what?
I-I'm just, I'm so sick of this.
'Cause nothing can get done
without scratching
somebody's back.
Because that's the game.
That's not a game to me, Mike.
It's-it's people's lives.
It's, uh,
it's an arts program
for inner-city kids.
It's a gym for basketball.
All right, well,
technically a game, but...
You know what I mean.
All right,
can't change the game.
What you can do,
change your approach.
What are telling me,
to embrace the evil?
Well, I don't think
compromise is evil.
It's ugly and frustrating,
but very often it's the only way
to get what you want done.
Why can't it just get done
because it's right?
"Right"
from whose point of view?
I think what...
what we have to do
is stop thinking
that what they want is evil.
Why does that sound so familiar?
Vlog 167.
Mm.
Really, like a fine wine,
that one gets better
with age, you know?
♪
- Hey, Mike. Come on in.
- Hey, Reverend.
Would you care for a smoothie?
I can send Kyle.
This one's got boba.
That's kind of what I want
to talk about.
Um, we've known each other
for years, right?
Right. I mean, I don't see you
every Sunday, like I should.
Yeah, and I don't steal
your jokes like I should.
(chuckles)
But we can be direct
with each other.
If you've got something
on your mind, Mike,
just go ahead and say it.
- Yeah, all right.
- Hang on.
Just in case you swear.
- You know how you are.
- Yeah.
Look, I think
you're taking advantage of Kyle.
Really? In what way?
Come on,
you got him doing errands,
running stuff for the church,
painting rooms,
and going to get...
boba, whatever that is.
Okay, one,
I don't make him do anything.
And two, how do you not know
what boba is?
I'm sorry, Mike,
Kyle is on his way
to becoming a minister.
- Right, yeah.
- And he does these things
out of duty.
(snickers)
(laughing): When I was a kid,
we always said, "Do your doody."
And that's exactly why
I turned Jesus around.
I think it's important for Kyle
to have some fun,
you know,
lighten up a little bit,
and there's nothing more fun
than spending time
in a cold duck blind
with two angry old men.
- Hey, Reverend.
- Hey.
Uh-oh.
Why is Jesus turned around?
Oh. Hey, Mr. B.
Mike and I were just talking
about you.
Yeah, I was saying how,
you know, you work hard,
and it might be a good idea
to go hunting
so you could cut back
a little bit, enjoy yourself.
And I was reminding Mike
that you do these things
for the church
because of your higher calling.
I have a confession.
Okay, wrong church,
but go ahead.
I don't paint the community room
or move hymnals
for your approval.
And I don't go hunting with you
so that I can make the fire
and cook chili
for you and Mr. Alzate.
Well, why do you do it?
For me.
Huh.
When I do things
for other people,
it makes me feel
like a better person.
Like I'm doing something
to help the world.
Like Jesus will be proud of me.
Does that make me selfish?
I don't think so.
No, son, it doesn't.
Of course you guys
would say that.
All you do is think
about other people.
Just like you're doing
with me right now.
Man, I wish I could be
more like you guys.
I really don't think
I want him to become like us.
No, and I certainly don't
want him to become like you.
Which is why I'll probably
cancel that trip on Saturday
and help him paint that room.
Well, I think
that's a splendid idea, Mike.
I do, too. So what time do you
want to start on Saturday?
It's up to you.
I won't be here.
I'm golfing Saturday.
- Hi. We rushed right over.
- Mm!
Your text said
you had good news.
So...
fire away!
You girls are gonna love this.
Okay.
I got the votes to pass
my high school arts bill.
Wow!
(laughs) Second best news ever.
- Now tell us the best.
- I...
I was just so anxious
about swapping political favors.
I mean, I didn't want to be
the Spiro Agnew of Colorado.
I'm sure. Who would?
"Spiro Agnew" is a spell
in Harry Potter.
But then I realized,
a little compromise
is worthwhile
as long as you can achieve
something meaningful.
I mean, this bill, it's...
it's gonna change kids' lives.
Yeah. Yeah.
Meaningful for the kids.
Yeah.
Other people's kids.
We were wondering about ours.
I don't even know
other people's kids.
It's practically illegal
to look at them.
Did Evelyn and Sarah
get back into Radford or not?
Oh, no.
That ship sailed long ago.
Especially since I blocked
the variance
for Radford to build
their parking lot.
Wait, what?
Why would you do that?
Well, I mean, I had to do it,
because they weren't zoned
for a lot that size,
and I wanted to because...
screw Annie!
- What about us?
- Yeah.
Well, what-what about you?
Oh, oh, all right, so...
I guess the girls won't learn
French before they're four.
Man, I just,
I think they'll be fine.
You know, as long as they
don't have business in Paris.
Mom, uh, that's not the point.
We-we just, we wanted
to give them an advantage.
Oh.
Well, because there's
no advantage
to coming from an intact family
with loving parents
who are doing quite well?
Well, I did think
there'd be more.
I don't know,
I-I guess Kyle and I
could just teach Sarah French
ourselves.
Even though our...
our French is...
(French accent):
how you say? Pepé Le Pew.
You know, Mom...
you're
a really great politician.
Even if you suck a little
as Grandma.
(chuckles):
I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
Well, thanks. I, uh, I knew
you guys would understand.
Man, wouldn't it be great
if you could just cast
a Spiro Agnew
and solve all our problems?
- I will try.
- (laughs)
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
and TOYOTA.
(chicken clucks)
Are you being polite
but hoping I don't answer
because the game is on
or do you really want to know?
Well, it's halftime, so it's
kind of a little bit of both.
Well, I'm really frustrated.
Our high school funding bill
is a no-brainer,
but I am hitting
nothing but roadblocks.
Roadblock, roadblock...
Well, may I suggest vlog 309.
It's a light, airy take on
the inefficiency of government.
- Okay.
- Oh, a little more robust,
flavorful,
but a perkiness to it...
All right, stop.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
(chuckles) You are actually
making me want wine.
- Mm.
- So, go, you go watch your game.
All right.
Sounds like you need
a little bucking up.
♪ Yo, you're V. Baxter,
the taskmaster ♪
♪ Education czar
to Assemblywoman Osgood ♪
♪ Passing bills,
writing legislation ♪
♪ Changing the world. ♪
(Vanessa laughs)
You are very sweet, Jen,
but it... really,
it's more like, uh, uh...
♪ Having ideas ♪
♪ Watering them down... ♪
(sighs) Losing faith. I'm...
We have great news.
- Sarah got into Radford Academy.
- (laughs)
-(gasps)
-KRISTIN: Can you believe
that, Mom?
Radford. That's so cool.
That is good news.
- I'm gonna go tell Dad
while it's still halftime.
- Okay.
Congratulations.
Go, Sarah! Yeah!
Mom, you have to fix this.
Fix what?
Evelyn didn't get in.
She's only on the wait list.
- Oh...
- You have to help me.
Honey, but I...
What can I do? I...
Do you know Anne Fairbanks?
She's the principal.
Oh, Annie, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She and I used
to teach together.
They would call us
Annie and Vannie,
the double whammy.
(both laugh)
- No way.
- It is possible everybody
was having a little fun
at your expense.
Which... Okay, wait, wait, wait.
So you are on an Annie basis
- with Principal Fairbanks?
- Well, uh...
Mom, please, help me.
Actually, no, no.
Help your sweet,
loving granddaughter.
♪ So get off your fanny
and go call Annie. ♪
♪
Oh, I don't know
if I can call Annie.
Just... I hate asking for favors.
It's so, ugh, sweaty.
Well, Mom, please,
you-you have to.
Radford is amazing.
They actually learn things.
They-they teach them French.
Sure, why teach them Mandarin?
We only rule the world.
Look, honey,
I'll try, but it's just...
It's just not my strong suit.
I-I even have a hard time asking
for a better table
at Angelina's,
and I play tennis with Angelina.
Well, I believe in you.
Yes. Grease those wheels.
Shake that tree.
Pull some strings.
Americans have so many different
ways of saying "cheat."
And I want my daughter to learn
how to say it in French.
(chuckles)
MIKE: Hey, Reverend.
- Great sermon today.
- Ah, thanks.
But I can't take all the glory.
- Some of it's God.
- Mm. Yeah.
You know what I particularly
liked, was when you said,
"God created everything
in his own image
except... the Las Vegas
Raiders." Ha, ha.
For the last time, Mike,
I did not steal your line.
Eh, I said it, you heard it,
you repeat it, I get no credit.
I tell you what.
I'll mention you next week.
- I'm doing a talk on pettiness.
- Great.
Oh, hey, Mr. B.
- Hey.
- Uh, I fixed the sign, Reverend.
And again,
I'm sorry for the mistake.
Well, no problem, Kyle.
Only a few people noticed
it said "Jesus Shaves."
MIKE: Good, though.
Hey, anyway, listen, uh,
I guess we're good
for hunting next Saturday.
God a text from Ed
right during the sermon.
Woke me right up.
Shoot, I forgot I was gonna ask
if you could paint
the community room Saturday.
- He's going hunting with me.
- Oh, no, uh, sorry, Mr. B.
I-If I don't paint it, it won't
get done, and needs to get done.
- Thank you, Kyle.
- Yeah, no problem.
All right, I'll see you later,
Mr. B.
What?
First you steal my jokes,
then you steal
whatever Kyle is to me.
Have you ever heard
of the Ten Commandments?
VANESSA: Oh.
It has been too long,
Annie. (chuckles)
I mean, don't think
we've spoken since...
uh, since you started
at Radford.
Uh, congratulations.
Oh, please. Look at you!
You're working
for Assembly Member Osgood.
It must be such a rush being
so close to all that power.
Oh, yes. (chuckles) Yeah.
In the state's pecking order,
if 563 people drop dead,
I'm governor. (laughs)
(laughs)
Oh, no. I-I mean, I don't...
I don't want them to die,
of course.
And-and... and I know it sounds
like I've researched this,
but-but... but really, I just...
I made up that number. I...
I don't want them
to die, either,
but you would make
a great governor.
Oh. That's sweet. Um...
(clears throat) Uh, look, I-I...
I'm-I'm a little nervous.
I'm-I'm not really good
at calling people and asking
for, you know, uh, favors.
Vannie, it's me.
How can I help?
Uh, well, um... (clears throat)
Well, you probably know this,
uh, or maybe
you don't know this already,
but my-my granddaughter
Evelyn Vogelson
is on the waitlist for Radford.
I didn't know
she was your granddaughter.
I knew that Sarah Anderson was.
Mandy's always posting
pictures of her on your page.
- Mm.
- She's adorable.
Well, no.
She can be a little much.
Oh, Sarah. No, Sarah.
Yes. Oh, yes. (laughs)
Adorable. Yes.
As soon as I saw her name,
I moved the application
to the top of the stack.
Gosh, now I feel terrible.
I-I was actually calling
to ask for your help
with Evelyn's application.
Oh, consider her in. No proble.
I mean,
how can I ever repay you?
Seriously, anything you need.
(laughing):
Don't worry about it.
Radford Academy is happy
to accommodate anyone
from the assembly member's
office. (laughs)
No. No. No, no, no, no.
I-I wasn't calling you
in any, um, official capacity.
I was just, you know,
loving grandma to-to old friend.
Mm-hmm. Of course. I hear you.
This conversation
never happened.
Uh, no. No, no. No, it happened.
It's happening.
Please just stop winking. D...
I completely understand.
And it's not like we expect
the assembly member to approve-
oh, I don't know...
A parking lot variance
that we've been
having trouble with.
- What now?!
- (Laughing)
Anything
for an old friend, right?
Got to run.
I need to send Evelyn's parents
our acceptance packet.
- Bye-bye, Vannie.
- No! Wait! Wait.
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait!
Annie, no!
Oh. (sputters)
Morning, Vanessa.
How did you sleep?
Well, I must have been restless,
because my smart watch
logged three miles.
(Vanessa sighs)
(Jen clears throat)
Uh, how did you sleep, Jen?
Oh, me?
I tossed and turned all night
thinking about how the dirty
gears of government get used
to crank
through personal agendas.
If you are talking
about that phone call,
I... look, I thought about it
all night long,
and I didn't do anything wrong.
It was all Annie.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
- Hey.
- Hey, what are you guys
doing here?
Well, uh, I brought you this.
- Ooh, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
You know it's only 9:00.
(laughs)
I mean... No, it's early for me.
Well, now that I've been a mom
for a while, I get the drinking.
(laughter)
Well, I just wanted to thank you
for getting Evelyn into Radford.
She's gonna be a Pelican!
Congratulations
on pulling strings.
Didn't Lori Loughlin do time
in the clink for that?
(guttural hiss)
I-I'm just happy
everything worked out.
I know. Well,
now Sarah and Evelyn get
to be at the same school.
It's so great!
I know, and it's all thanks
to you, Mom.
Mm, well, I didn't really
do anything.
But I'm keeping the wine.
Well, I better get going.
I've only got three months
to convince Evelyn
that we don't bite our friends.
Bye.
- Best news ever. Yay!
- (door closes)
No yay. Worst news ever.
What's wrong?
Mom, Sarah got in on her own.
And then you had
to go twist somebody's arm
and get Evelyn in, too.
And now it makes
Sarah getting in less special.
No. Honey, Sarah may have gotten
special treatment, also.
Uh, I don't think so, okay?
Sarah got in
because of her talents.
We sent a horsey
she drew with her application.
All right. Mandy, I'm sorry.
Look, Annie knew
she was my granddaughter.
She did it for me.
You sure, Mom?
Or could this be like
when you think
that people are complimenting
your dancing?
- Hey!
- Ooh.
Vanessa,
some flowers came for you.
- Oh.
- From Anne Fairbanks.
It doesn't mean anything.
You know, in the old days,
people would
send each other flowers
after every phone call.
"So happy to have your
granddaughters at our school."
It's nice.
And-and totally aboveboard.
"Say hi to Theresa Osgood
for me."
Semicolon, parentheses,
semicolon, parentheses.
What does that last part mean?
It's an emoji.
It means, "Wink, wink."
- What do you mean,
Kyle's not hunting with us?
- Yeah.
Without him,
it's just two old guys
sitting around a fire...
bitching about things.
I like having Kyle with us.
He runs after stuff we kill.
- He's faster than the dog.
- Yes. Yes.
- He spruces up the cabin.
- Yeah.
And that chili of his.
(laughing): Oh, it's a...
- It's like hunting
with Martha Stewart.
- Yeah.
That woman can make a cake rise
at 10,000 feet.
- Ah.
- Well, look at that.
If it isn't Reverend Paul's
new little paint buddy.
Yeah.
Did he really call me that?
Come on, son. Come on.
You got to come hunting with us.
Come on now.
Well, you know I can't say "no"
to you, Mr. Alzate.
Good. There you go.
But no.
Come on, Kyle.
You're a grown man.
You don't have to listen
to somebody just because
he's wearing a robe and a fancy
silk sash like he's Prince.
ED: Come on, now,
be a little selfish...
It's underrated.
(phone chimes)
Oh, yeah. It's Reverend Paul.
He's asking me to, uh, put some
hymnals into storage after work.
- Perfect time
to put your foot down.
- Yep.
Okay.
Okay, I'll, uh,
I'll tell him to wait.
-ED: Good.
-For a few minutes,
'cause I'm gonna stop on the way
and get him a smoothie.
He loves raspberry-mango.
- ED: Hmm.
- MIKE: Yeah.
Martha Stewart
can make a smoothie
out of acorns and lake water.
♪
Mm. Good you're here.
I was just about
to call Annie back.
Shouldn't you get
a burner phone?
(video call ringing)
No, there is not going to be
any dealmaking.
I am going to do
the ethical thing.
(line chimes)
Oh, hey. Hi, Annie.
Vannie! I didn't expect to hear
from you again so soon.
Well, I hope
I'm not Anne-oying you.
(laughing)
Still making
those delightful puns.
Is there something else
that I can do for you?
Mm. Well, actually,
I just need to clarify
our last conversation.
I don't want my granddaughters'
acceptance to your school
to be a "quid pro quo" thing.
No, of course not.
VANESSA: Uh, no...
Now, uh, now, I'm serious.
I'm... I-I was calling you
as a friend,
not as an employee
of an elected official.
I get it.
Perhaps we can discuss it
next time you visit.
There will be plenty of parkin.
- (chuckling)
- No.
Stop. Stop. Please.
Just stop winking. Look, uh...
the thing is,
with my granddaughters there,
I'm gonna have to be
even stricter on Radford.
What do you mean?
Well, I-I can't help you
with the parking lot.
I don't trade favors.
I-I don't even want
the appearance of misconduct.
You understand.
Of course. I understand.
Thank you.
You know, to really avoid
the "appearance of misconduct,"
maybe Sarah and Evelyn
shouldn't be Pelicans at all.
Wait. No. Annie.
-Annie.
-It's Anne!
Have a good day, Vanessa.
What the hell!?
Heading up to bed. Come on up.
What's the point?
I won't sleep, anyway.
Well, you don't have
to go to sleep right away.
Way to read the room, Mike.
(sighs):
You know,
I try to help the girls,
but they just end up
upset with me.
I mean, look at this.
Kris is furious. Mandy is, too.
Mandy's not upset. Look at that.
She sent you
that cute little emoji...
Soft serve ice cream
with a big smile.
Or somebody
that needs probiotics.
- (groans): I hate politics.
- Of course you do,
'cause you're a kind,
loving woman with morals.
- And I love that about you.
- (wry chuckle)
Well, I try.
Well, stop.
(chuckles):
What? What, are you telling me
to just quit?
I'm not telling you anything.
I'm gonna ask you a question.
Why did you get into politics
in the first place?
Well, you know.
I mean, to-to do good things,
for the schools, for
the students, blah, blah, blah.
But without compromising
my integrity.
Ah. So you thought you'd be
the one to rise above it all.
Well, why can't I?
You know what?
I-I'm just, I'm so sick of this.
'Cause nothing can get done
without scratching
somebody's back.
Because that's the game.
That's not a game to me, Mike.
It's-it's people's lives.
It's, uh,
it's an arts program
for inner-city kids.
It's a gym for basketball.
All right, well,
technically a game, but...
You know what I mean.
All right,
can't change the game.
What you can do,
change your approach.
What are telling me,
to embrace the evil?
Well, I don't think
compromise is evil.
It's ugly and frustrating,
but very often it's the only way
to get what you want done.
Why can't it just get done
because it's right?
"Right"
from whose point of view?
I think what...
what we have to do
is stop thinking
that what they want is evil.
Why does that sound so familiar?
Vlog 167.
Mm.
Really, like a fine wine,
that one gets better
with age, you know?
♪
- Hey, Mike. Come on in.
- Hey, Reverend.
Would you care for a smoothie?
I can send Kyle.
This one's got boba.
That's kind of what I want
to talk about.
Um, we've known each other
for years, right?
Right. I mean, I don't see you
every Sunday, like I should.
Yeah, and I don't steal
your jokes like I should.
(chuckles)
But we can be direct
with each other.
If you've got something
on your mind, Mike,
just go ahead and say it.
- Yeah, all right.
- Hang on.
Just in case you swear.
- You know how you are.
- Yeah.
Look, I think
you're taking advantage of Kyle.
Really? In what way?
Come on,
you got him doing errands,
running stuff for the church,
painting rooms,
and going to get...
boba, whatever that is.
Okay, one,
I don't make him do anything.
And two, how do you not know
what boba is?
I'm sorry, Mike,
Kyle is on his way
to becoming a minister.
- Right, yeah.
- And he does these things
out of duty.
(snickers)
(laughing): When I was a kid,
we always said, "Do your doody."
And that's exactly why
I turned Jesus around.
I think it's important for Kyle
to have some fun,
you know,
lighten up a little bit,
and there's nothing more fun
than spending time
in a cold duck blind
with two angry old men.
- Hey, Reverend.
- Hey.
Uh-oh.
Why is Jesus turned around?
Oh. Hey, Mr. B.
Mike and I were just talking
about you.
Yeah, I was saying how,
you know, you work hard,
and it might be a good idea
to go hunting
so you could cut back
a little bit, enjoy yourself.
And I was reminding Mike
that you do these things
for the church
because of your higher calling.
I have a confession.
Okay, wrong church,
but go ahead.
I don't paint the community room
or move hymnals
for your approval.
And I don't go hunting with you
so that I can make the fire
and cook chili
for you and Mr. Alzate.
Well, why do you do it?
For me.
Huh.
When I do things
for other people,
it makes me feel
like a better person.
Like I'm doing something
to help the world.
Like Jesus will be proud of me.
Does that make me selfish?
I don't think so.
No, son, it doesn't.
Of course you guys
would say that.
All you do is think
about other people.
Just like you're doing
with me right now.
Man, I wish I could be
more like you guys.
I really don't think
I want him to become like us.
No, and I certainly don't
want him to become like you.
Which is why I'll probably
cancel that trip on Saturday
and help him paint that room.
Well, I think
that's a splendid idea, Mike.
I do, too. So what time do you
want to start on Saturday?
It's up to you.
I won't be here.
I'm golfing Saturday.
- Hi. We rushed right over.
- Mm!
Your text said
you had good news.
So...
fire away!
You girls are gonna love this.
Okay.
I got the votes to pass
my high school arts bill.
Wow!
(laughs) Second best news ever.
- Now tell us the best.
- I...
I was just so anxious
about swapping political favors.
I mean, I didn't want to be
the Spiro Agnew of Colorado.
I'm sure. Who would?
"Spiro Agnew" is a spell
in Harry Potter.
But then I realized,
a little compromise
is worthwhile
as long as you can achieve
something meaningful.
I mean, this bill, it's...
it's gonna change kids' lives.
Yeah. Yeah.
Meaningful for the kids.
Yeah.
Other people's kids.
We were wondering about ours.
I don't even know
other people's kids.
It's practically illegal
to look at them.
Did Evelyn and Sarah
get back into Radford or not?
Oh, no.
That ship sailed long ago.
Especially since I blocked
the variance
for Radford to build
their parking lot.
Wait, what?
Why would you do that?
Well, I mean, I had to do it,
because they weren't zoned
for a lot that size,
and I wanted to because...
screw Annie!
- What about us?
- Yeah.
Well, what-what about you?
Oh, oh, all right, so...
I guess the girls won't learn
French before they're four.
Man, I just,
I think they'll be fine.
You know, as long as they
don't have business in Paris.
Mom, uh, that's not the point.
We-we just, we wanted
to give them an advantage.
Oh.
Well, because there's
no advantage
to coming from an intact family
with loving parents
who are doing quite well?
Well, I did think
there'd be more.
I don't know,
I-I guess Kyle and I
could just teach Sarah French
ourselves.
Even though our...
our French is...
(French accent):
how you say? Pepé Le Pew.
You know, Mom...
you're
a really great politician.
Even if you suck a little
as Grandma.
(chuckles):
I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
Well, thanks. I, uh, I knew
you guys would understand.
Man, wouldn't it be great
if you could just cast
a Spiro Agnew
and solve all our problems?
- I will try.
- (laughs)
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(chicken clucks)