Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 9, Episode 6 - A Fool and His Money - full transcript

Mike regrets convincing Joe to use his inheritance money to buy a classic jeep when he realizes how he intends to restore it; Kristin and Ryan worry that Mandy and Kyle are teaching Sarah bad language.

Now, I-I've seen
a few 1943 Jeeps over the years,

but a '42 is pretty rare,

- isn't it?
- Yeah.

Rarer than
a fiscally responsible Democrat.

(chuckles) I can't believe
we get to restore this.

I don't want you
wiping the dirt off.

That dirt could be
from Normandy.

That's D-Day dirt.

I for one am glad there
was an old guy out there

with a ton of money willing
to pay for this restoration.

- Oh, this is gonna be fun.
- Yeah.



Just remember,
when we get this finished,

I'm the first guy that gets
to shoot the machine gun.

Having served in a war, Baxter,
shooting a machine gun

- isn't my idea of fun. - No?

Now, a rocket launcher,
that'll put some lead in your pencil.

Bad news, boys.

The restoration is off.

What do you mean
the restoration's off?

I saw Arnold yesterday... he
was over the moon over this thing.

No,
it's Albert. That was yesterday.

Sadly enough,
things have changed.

If it's about money,
let me at him.

I can persuade
anybody to do anything.

He's dead, Baxter.



He passed away last night,
Mikey.

CHUCK: That's gonna make it

a bit of a challenge
to persuade him.

Not so fast.

What funeral home?



(groans softly) Hey.

Hey.

Everything okay?

My old guy died.

Oh, God. Ed?

No, no, no.

Ed's still doing one-armed
push-ups in the parking lot.

No,
I'm talking about Arnold... Uh... Albert...

"A," it's got an "A," "A."

Arn... Andy, Andy...

Ar... I think it's an "A."

I'm not getting the sense that
you guys were really that close.

Anyway, it was the guy that
I was gonna restore that...

Jeep with the 50-caliber
machine gun in it.

That killed more Nazis
than Indiana Jones.

Well, you know what,
I'm sorry, Mike.

I know how long it took you

- to find that Jeep.
- No, honey,

I was really looking forward

to restoring that Jeep,

and then the guy goes and dies.

Why does this always
have to happen to me?

Yep,
the universe obviously hates you,

said his beautiful
wife in his lovely home.

Yeah.

What are we having for dinner?

Lobster. Oh,
wait. You know what?

Tell me again how
crappy your life is.

You know, they call the Jeep
the "Savior of World War II."

Man,
if it was a character in a movie,

it would be played by Tom Hanks.

You know,
I don't understand this Arthur or Albert...

He's at the end of his life,

and the one thing he
wants is some old Jeep?

It's not "some old Jeep."

It's a GPW.

Government-issued,
and it worked.

That's the last time
that has ever happened.

I know, but what's the point?

I mean,
he could have used that money

to do some good in the world.

Or he could make himself
happy. That's what guys do.

When I'm 90,
I'm gonna buy that Trans Am

from Smokey and the Bandit.

And that cool hat.

Well, you knock yourself out.

I will be in Spain.

And I don't think all guys
are that frivolous with money.

Yeah, car guys are,

he said proudly.

Oh, yeah? Look at Joe.

I mean, his mother died

and left him quite
a nice inheritance,

and he hasn't bought
a bunch of cars.

That's right,
he has that mom money.

Yeah, which he's saving.

I mean, he and I,
we've talked a lot about it.

Is he still coming
to the book club

of yours and
pretending he can read?

We have actual conversations.

You know, it's when... when
one person actually listens

to the other?

I'm listening. I heard
everything you said.

- Okay.
- You gave me a good idea.

I think Joe should
buy that Jeep.

No, Mike, I just told you,
he is not frivolous with his money.

Frivolous? It has a
50-caliber machine gun on it.

- (speaking quietly) - JEN: Hi.

- Hi. - Oh, hey. Oh, wow,

you already put Sarah
to bed... That was fast.

Well,
most people make the mistake

of reading fun children's
books before bed.

I read her an air
conditioning manual.

She went out like that.

Wow, you're like a, uh,
boring Mary Poppins.

Oh,
and she said the cutest thing

right before she fell asleep.

She said,
"Can you pull up my blankie?

I want to cover my butt."

I'm sorry.

She said what?

"Butt." I think it's
short for "buttocks."

Um...

yeah, so,
w-we don't use that word.

We say "bottom."

KYLE: Yeah, so, uh,

"B" is a gateway swear.

You know? First she says "B,"

then she says "B-head"

and then "B-f-face."

And before you know it,
she's working at a tattoo parlor,

smoking non-filter cigarettes.

Where did Sarah
even hear that word?

It wasn't me.

Okay. Just...

just please watch your
language around her.

Yeah, Jen...

my father, he swore a lot.

Do you know where he is now?

Where?

No one knows!

He swore and then disappeared.

You wanted to see me?

Yeah. I'd like to
take you to lunch.

We've never had lunch together.

You said you hate
watching me chew.

What are you up to, Baxter?

I want you to buy
the dead man's Jeep.

Why me?

'Cause you have the money,
you have the space

to keep it after we
finish restoring it,

and since we're
restoring it here,

we won't have
time to eat together.

Not that I could afford it,

but, I don't know,
maybe you heard,

my boss,
he's kind of a cheap bastard.

Whatever it is you're making,
Joe, you're overpaid.

- You've got that inheritance from your mom.
- I'm not touching that money.

What are you gonna do,
wait till you get a little older?

News flash... (whistles)

That's my mom's money,
and I don't feel right

- spending it on me, okay?
- You love cars,

and this is a vehicle
that kicked Hitler's ass.

- I don't know. - Come on.

Like, I bet your mom's looking
right down at you right now,

right this minute,
and she's going,

"Come on,
you're a good boy, Joe.

Treat yourself."

Actually,
she used to call me "Joey Bear."

Treat yourself...

Joey Bear.

- Let me think about it.
- No, wait.

No, no,
when has thinking ever got you anywhere?

This is time for action.

(whispering): You got to take action,
action,

take action.

- Okay, let's do it! - Yeah!

- Yes! Great decision.
- Yeah. All right.

And we're gonna do this right.

- Yeah.
- I'll order all the best parts, right?

I'll bet you, General Patton,
he's looking down at me

and saluting... not me...

He's looking down
at us right now and...

Look, since it's my Jeep,
I get to call the shots.

Right. Let's just
pretend that's the case.

First to go, the machine gun.

Uh-huh. In all the
excitement of the moment,

I swear I heard you say the
stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Machine gun's got to go.

And let's get some
oversized tires.

Oversized tires?

Make it like a off-road vehicle,
you know?

It's a Jeep!

It is an off-road vehicle.

They didn't win World
War II in a strip mall.

I want some paint
that really pops.

Maybe, like,
school bus yellow, you know?

Have you lost what's
left of your mind?

Look, I'm sure I'll have
more ideas as we go along,

but this is enough
to get started.

You know,
this is a classic vehicle.

You can't desecrate
something like this.

I can do whatever I want, okay?

I bought it, and we shook on it!

Yeah? Yeah?

Your mom just said,
"Don't screw this up, Joey Bear."

What kind of a madman would
take a 50-caliber machine gun

off of a Jeep?

I don't know what to tell you,
Mike.

I just came in here to
get some paper towels.

It's a piece of
American history.

It doesn't need modifications.

(scoffs): I mean,
you're not gonna give the Mona Lisa

a boob job, are you?

Well, you might.

I mean, you do have a type.

He wants to paint flames
on the side of the Jeep.

All right. Well,
sounds like fun.

I'm not gonna let
that nincompoop

destroy an American classic,
you know?

I'm just gonna buy
the Jeep myself.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where do you think
you're gonna keep it?

(chuckles) In the driveway.

Okay, uh,
you know what, I-I just,

I have two problems with that.

- Yeah? - (chuckles): Um, one...

- I don't want a machine gun in the driveway.
- Okay.

And two,
I don't want a machine gun in the driveway!

They won't check
the meter as often.

All right, you want the Jeep?

Okay, you can keep it in here and just,
uh, sell your truck.

I'm not selling the truck.
I can't. I-It's my truck.

Well, then, no Jeep.

Look, besides,
Joe might not even sell it.

It sounds like he's
having a lot of fun.

I don't get it.

He usually has such
respect for the classics.

He won't even work
on a car from the '60s

with a wrench from the '80s.

You know, when somebody
acts out of character like that,

it could be... could be
kind of a cry for help.

(chuckles): Why doesn't
he cry like the rest of us...

Alone in the shower.

You know I can hear you.

Maybe Joe is going
through something.

Look, one thing I know about
being in book club with him

is that... that he is a very sensitive,
emotional man.

Mm-hmm,
who chews with his mouth open.

- (grunting) - You know what?

I... I'm gonna have a talk with him,
okay? I will.

And maybe I can help
him get in touch with...

whatever it is
he's going through.

Yeah, that's what I was gonna do,
but you go ahead first,

you know, and no takebacks.

Anyway,
you may want to keep an eye on Jen

when she's babysitting.

She may be using some words
you don't want Evelyn to hear.

Yeah, she's like a sailor.

Just, you know,
without the tattoos

or bell-bottoms or...

love of spinach.

Wow. Well, uh,
thanks for the heads-up.

You have to be so vigilant
raising kids these days.

It's really a pain in the butt.

You don't happen to use
that word in front of Sarah,

do you?

What, "butt"? I-I don't know,
probably.

- Oh, God. - All right.

Apparently we need
to apologize to Jen,

because we accused
the wrong potty mouth.

You're upset about
the word "butt"?

Oh! Okay, she said it again.

It's like we're in a
Scorsese movie.

Guys, what's going on?

Uh, well,
Kyle is upset 'cause I may have said "butt"

in front of Sarah.

Yeah, you're darn tootin'.

Great. Great, now I'm swearing.

Okay, look,
we're just very sensitive

to Sarah being
exposed to that word.

Come on, it's part of the body.

I mean,
let's not let society make us ashamed

of our own biology, man.

You know? Let...
let butts be butts.

Okay,
that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

BOTH: Whoa.

Okay,
we-we don't use the S-word here.

"Stupid"?

I hope you don't say that
word in front of Evelyn.

We don't like to use negative
labels that might inhibit

our child's intellectual growth.

(laughs) That's the
stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, come on,
man. Let stupid be stupid.

Okay, you know what?
Maybe let's just watch a movie.

Uh,
how about that Steve Carell movie

- Crazy, Stupid, Love? - Yeah.

- Or you know what? We could watch The Butt-erfly Effect.
- (chuckles)

Oh, yeah, I like that movie.

(whispers indistinctly)

Oh, I see what you did.

- Hey. - Oh, hey.

So I just had a long
conversation with Joe

after book club.

Well,
you probably need this more than me.

I don't, uh,
I don't have an appetite right now.

Great.

So, what'd you find out?

He thinks he killed his mother.

Killed his mom?

I should've noticed that,
he's got that Norman Bates look

- about him. - No, Mike.

I don't want this. Here.

He didn't kill his mom. Come on.

You remember the story. She got really ill,
right?

He put her in the hospital
and she passed away.

Yeah, well,
the problem is she hated hospitals

and she begged him
not to let them admit her,

but Joe sided with the doctors.

But that was the
right thing to do.

I mean, he's guilty of a lot of
stuff... eating the first donut,

the last donut,
the one in the middle...

- but Joe had nothing to do with the passing of his mom.
- I...

I know that, you know that,
but Joe has been blaming himself

ever since it happened.

Well, did you talk to him?

- No.
- Did you slap him and just say, "Hey, snap out of it"?

(stammers)

I didn't know what to say.

No,
he was going on and on about his guilt.

And I-I tried to relate,
but you know

I only feel guilty
about one thing.

Oh,
please not the story about the newspaper.

- Please. - It was 1984.

Feels like yesterday.

I put a quarter in
the vending machine,

I opened the door,
and suddenly, I...

I thought to myself...

"Hey,
why not take two newspapers?"

"Why not take two newspapers?"

You know,

the newspaper ink
was easy to wash off,

but I could never
wash away the guilt.

Take it easy on yourself.

You were doing the
best you could to survive

those mean streets of Greenwich,
Connecticut.

Oh, stop it.

Please tell me you
didn't use this story

- to try to cheer Joe up. - No.

Of course not. No.

No, he was hurting, Mike.

I... Really, it's so sad.

What? Please don't say that.

What? Why?

Because...

Joe fills a specific
role in my life.

I don't want to know
that that doofus is sad.

Honey,
he could really use a friend right now.

Well,
I could really use a friend right now.

Uh,
maybe a friend that would allow me to have

- a machine gun in the driveway.
- Oh, okay.

Talk to him. Talk to him.

- He needs you.
- You know who used to need me,

was this Bundt cake.

- Does it need me?
- Well, I'll take it.

Why don't you get another slice?

Take two, like the newspaper?

Okay,
so Jen is reading The New England Journal

of Medicine to the girls,
so I think we've got some time.

We have to come to an
agreement about what words

we're gonna say
around the girls.

Agreed. Uh, babe,
did you bring our list?

Yeah. Okay. (clears throat)

All right,
item number one is "butt"

will now be referred
to as now "bottom."

Agreed.

Reluctantly.

And, uh, other body parts,
we have, uh, "willie"

and "downstairs."

Uh, boys have a willie,
girls have a downstairs.

Are you kidd...
wh... "Downstairs"?

Y-Yeah,
it's polite and location-correct.

- Oh, my...
- Okay, yeah, it's fine.

We will give you
"willie" and "downstairs,"

but in return,
we don't want Evelyn to hear

"stupid" or "bad."

How do you not say "bad"?

What are they,
The-The Good News Bears?

Well, instead,
Kristin and I like to say,

"Your behavior is concerning,"
and "How do we address this

in a more positive way?"

She's a child, not a lawyer.

We tell Evelyn she can be
whatever she wants to be.

We say the same thing to Sarah.

Oh, well,
I hope she's not becoming a doctor.

"We got your results back,
Mr. Jones.

- You have a willie infection."
- Oh...

Hey.

(speaking Cantonese)

Yeah,
I know what you're saying, Jen,

but explain it to the others.

I said that you guys
are great parents

and this conversation
shows how much you care

about your children.

Eh,
that's not what it sounded like.

The words aren't the problem.

It's how you say them.

(sighs): Ay, ay, ay.

I'm sorry. I-I guess I
just got carried away

'cause it's our first kid.

Maybe we should all just be
a little more sensitive, okay?

Anyone else need
a glass of wine?

I think we have a case
of pinot downstairs.

BOTH: Whoa!

Basement. Base... I
mean basement. We...

We just learned these.

What you up to, Joe?

Oh, just pulling this carb off.

That rebuild kit you
ordered just came in.

Ah. Need any help?

"Need any help"?

Usually you say,
"Move over, jackass."

I am fluent in several languages,
Joe.

You know,
when I was driving over here, uh,

I was thinking about that,
uh, '53 Corvette

that that buddy of Ed's
brought by to get an estimate.

- And I was just thinking about Donuts.
- Huh.

That-that's my new cat.

Do you remember that, uh,
Corvette owner's reaction

when we told him
the repair included

rebuilding his entire engine?

Oh,
yeah. He had the same reaction a guy has

when you tell him
his wife is ugly.

I'll take your word for that.

The guy was pissed,
though. Remember?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Drove off calling
us a bunch of idiots.

Well, maybe we were idiots,
but a week later, what happened?

His engine blew up.

What a dope.

You know,
I remember how cute he looked

climbing that cat tower. Ah...

I don't, I don't,
I don't think the Corvette owner

was climbing a cat tower.

No, my cat Donuts.

Oh.

The way your mind wanders,

it's surprising
you get anywhere.

The point I'm
making is that the...

the Corvette
owner's car was sick,

you know,
and he didn't want to take it someplace

that, you know,
might have fixed it.

You know,
I think I'm gonna work on my Jeep alone.

- I want to talk about this.
- Fine.

What if the Corvette didn't
want to go someplace?

What if it just wanted
to be left alone?

Well, that's what happened,
right?

And then the engine blew up.

Yeah,
but what if the guy who brought it in

didn't want to go and
it blew up anyway?

What's the difference?

The difference is
you did your best.

You took care of your mom,
you did what you thought was right.

My mom?

I thought we were
talking about a Corvette.

You bastard.

You know,
it's weird with her gone,

I mean,
every night I'd make her a martini

and she'd talk about the
"pretty Walter Cronkite."

Well,
in the right light... (whistles)

...he was a looker.

Not the newsman. That
was o-one of my cats.

I spent two years

pretending like I didn't miss
my dad after he passed away.

It's a waste of time.

- You know, I, uh, I miss her, Mike. You know?
- Yeah.

Well, that's because you were a good son,
Joey Bear.

- Thanks for saying that.
- Yeah.

Um... we don't have to hug or anything,
right?

No, I don't...

Actually, you got a little time to,
uh, help me with something?

Sure, unless it's putting a
calliope on the back of this.

No, I'm thinking of putting
that .50 caliber back on.

Seriously?

Yeah. You know,
this Jeep was in its prime

about the same time as my mom.

Who also carried a weapon daily.

Exactly.

I want to remember
Mom at her best,

and I think this Jeep
deserves the same respect.

Well, I think you can stop
your mind from wandering, Joe.

You found a home.

So you want to help?

Move over, jackass.

Hey,
Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

One of my favorite philosophers,
Charlie Brown,

said it best, "Good grief."

Because as lousy as it feels,
grief is good.

It means you loved somebody.

And even if the rest of
us can't figure out why,

they loved you, too.

If somebody in your
family passed away

and you didn't feel anything,
that would be sad.

They say two things in life are inevitable,
death and taxes.

One of those, of course,
deprives you of something

you love, cherish and need,
the other one is death.

But let's face it,
we're all heading to the celestial shore.

Well, not all of us.

If you drive 55 in
the passing lane

you're headed to
eternal damnation.

Move over!

(imitates horn honk)

But once we cast off
into the great beyond,

how do we want the people
we leave behind to feel?

Hmm.

Well,
we don't want them dancing in the street.

Okay? We all know that.

So when you're grieving
the loss of a loved one,

you know what
they'd want from you?

They'd want you to
be the kind of person

that people will miss as much
as you miss them. Baxter out.

(chicken clucks)