Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 8 - Romancing the Stone - full transcript

MIKE (ON COMPUTER): Mandy, what do
you want me to do? I'm stuck here.

I need you to help your mom
get ready for Bonnie's wedding.

But she's being unreasonable
and I don't know

how to deal with that.

Usually I'm on the other side.

This blizzard has the
whole mountain shut down.

I'll get to the wedding tomorrow,

even if I have to
tunnel through the snow.

But in the meantime, you're up.

Can't Kristin do it?
She's known Mom longer.

Listen, she's pregnant,



she doesn't need the stress, kid.

Well, what about Jen? Or the mailman?

He's reliable.

Uh-uh. We're family, and
you're gonna do this.

Fine.

- She's here, I have to go.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

... there was a kind of...
Oh, Vanessa, darling,

look at your wonderful daughter,
folding wedding programs.

- What a dear.
- Yeah,

well, waiting until the
day before the wedding

is cutting it a little
close, but yes, a dear.

Have you heard from your father?

I have, but I don't
think I want to tell you.

He's snowed in at the cabin, isn't he?



Oh, I hope he started a
fire. Nothing is cozier.

Yeah, well, being where you're
supposed to be is cozier.

- You spit a little.
- What... Oh.

Uh, so how did it go at the caterer?

Oh, everything seemed lovely.

Your-your mother had an issue
with the bread baskets, which...

W... No-no, no, I j-I just thought

there wasn't enough variety,

so I had them add a
pretzel roll and a focaccia.

And I just, you know,
took a swing. (CHUCKLES)

Darling, you have got to relax.

This wedding is going
to be just perfect.

Nothing like my first wedding,

- which was pee-ew...
- Okay.

Mom, Mom... you know,
that-that's like the tenth slam

you've taken against your first wedding.

We get it. It wasn't great.

Well, it's just that
everything was so rushed.

- The whole thing was...
- And now 11.

Okay. Well, I am off to bed, ladies.

I'm going to be dreaming
of the perfect wedding.

I see focaccia plum fairies

dancing in my head.

Yes, she'll get the perfect wedding.

You'll see.

You'll all see.

If you tell a crazy
person they're crazy,

does it make it better or worse?

Mandy, I am not crazy.

I just... I just need
everything to be perfect, okay?

Why? It's Grandma's second wedding,

and Ed's, like, 12th.

All right, you know
what? I'm gonna tell you.

I'm gonna tell... I don't
want to keep things from you,

the way my mom did with me.

The reason this is so
important to me is because...

I ruined my mother's first wedding.

How? You-you weren't even born.

No, but I was there. I was there.

She hated her first wedding

because she was pregnant, with me.

- (GASPS) I can't believe this.
- Yeah.

Grandma's cool? (CHUCKLES)

♪♪

Oh. My. God. I know something about you

nobody else in this entire family knows.

I can't wait to tell them.

- N... Mandy. Mandy.
- No-no-no, don't worry.

I'll wait until after
you're dead. I can't wait.

Okay, you know what? Telling
you was a terrible mistake.

No, no, no, Mom, Mom, Mom,
Mom, I am an amazing confidant,

okay? I... I know exactly
when to look concerned.

I-I know how to... to
gently touch your arm,

and I have got the
cutest sympathetic nod.

Mandy, please, please, honey,

this was not an easy
thing for me to admit.

(SIGHS)

I understand. How long have you known?

All right, just a few weeks.

I saw Grandma's wedding certificate,

and was definitely pregnant
with me when she got married.

Well, what did Grandma
say when you told her?

No. I didn't tell her. No, wow. No.

I-I feel like this explains
so much about my childhood.

Look, if I can just give her
the wedding she'd always wanted,

always deserved, then, I don't know,

maybe it'll clean the slate between us.

What? Hold on, what
do... what do you mean,

clean the slate? Mom, you
didn't ruin Grandma's wedding.

You were just a little thing.

A little... pootie-pootie doodle head.

- I want a baby so bad.
- I know.

Look, it doesn't make
sense in my head, either,

but it makes sense in my heart.

Oh... Oh, and that was real sympathy,

I swear to God, it just came out.

Look, honey, I really need
your help with this wedding.

Mom, every time I was in trouble,

you were there for me, so
I'm gonna be there for you.

What-what can I do?

All right, well, I'm
putting you in charge of Ed.

He cannot ruin this.

Oh, he's not gonna ruin it.

- He loves Grandma.
- Mm.

It's so sweet, sometimes

- it crosses over into icky.
- Yeah.

Well, Ed has a history
of messing up weddings.

He was late for his first

and showed up drunk at his second,

and came to his third in cargo shorts.

Cargo shorts at a wedding.
This will not stand.

Where have you guys been?

I already finished making
all of the gift bags.

Ryan made us swing by the church.

We're going to be ushers. I
just wanted to check the layout.

It's a bunch of benches.

How can you not know
what a church looks like?

Well, I didn't know
if it was a proscenium

or a church in the round.

I mean, the last time I ushered
was at my high school play.

Which I should have been in.

But we won't get into that right now.

Oh, I understand. I'm not upset.

No, I don't get upset.

Okay, I love you, too.

Jackass.

Talking to Mike?

No, Eve.

She can't make it to
the wedding, either.

Her commander thinks
tactical air training

is more important than love.

- Jackass.
- Yeah.

I guess you'll have to return

this beautiful dress.

Unless you know someone

her exact same size.

That's a great idea, Jen.

Would you like to fill in for Eve?

More than anything in the world!

Oh, great. Well, my
workload just doubled.

I mean, I guess I'll just be,

uh, ushering people to their seats

while everyone else is up on stage.

It's Bye Bye Birdie all over again.

Oh, I'll-I'll call you back.
Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

- Hi, Ed.
- Mandy. Mandy, don't you look beautiful.

All right, so, uh, so to
what do I owe the pleasure?

Oh, well, uh, I hear that it's tradition

for the groom to see his future...

step... grand... daughter.

Mm, uh. All right, I never heard that.

Anyway, since I'm here,

uh, I might as well give
you a ride to the church.

So-so we can get you there on time.

Oh, that's not necessary.

Oh. Look at the tux.

Oh...

Lovely jacket,

shirt, tie, pants.

- Good for you.
- Mm-hmm.

All right.

What you... what you working on?

I know what you're doing.

You're checking up on me, right?

Me? No.

All right, Mandy. Cut the cute, now.

Now, if Mike put you up to this,

tell him I do not need a babysitter.

Now, come on, I've got to
get dressed. Let's go.

- Okeydoke.
- Come on, come on.

Those were long pants, right?

Um... all right.

I wish people would stop
using my lint roller.

Every time I go to use
it, the sticky's all gone.

You know who you are.

You know you can just
peel off that top layer.

Maybe you can.

Moneybags.

Uh, what are you doing here?

I'm on a secret mission. Follow me.

You know what? Watch
what you say in here.

I've always suspected
your dad bugged this place.

You know why?

'Cause he's a good man who works hard.

Okay, listen. This wedding
is very important to my mom,

- so she asked me to keep an eye on Ed.
- Why?

Well, apparently, Ed has this history

with ruining his past weddings,

so it's my job to get him there
on time, sober, and in a tux.

No-no, I meant, why did she ask you?

I'm head of security.

I got cameras all over Outdoor Man.

If I can keep an eye on a whole store

I can certainly keep
track of one old man.

Hey, babe. Uh, can I get a
ride to the church with you?

Why? I thought you were going with Ed.

Me too. But he just left.

What do you mean? Where did he go?

I don't know, but he sure did
seem like he was in a hurry.

I'll check the monitor.

Chuck, get eyes for Ed.

Uh, I think you mean "eyes on Ed".

Whatever. Where are his eyes?

Right now they're driving
out of the parking lot.

Oh, no. Well, maybe he's
on his way to the church.

Yeah, not if he's planning
on wearing his tux.

Dad? If you're listening,
this is not my fault.

How did you lose him?

Well, there-there's a
lot of blame to go around,

- but most fingers are pointing to Chuck.
- Hey!

You need to stop arguing
and start looking for him.

He's either at home, the VFW,

or any bar in the greater
Denver area, all right?

I wish you were here.

Listen, I'm working on it.

I drove a snowmobile
to the airport in Vail.

I'll be on the next flight
out of here, all right?

Look, Ed couldn't have
gone far. As long as we find him

and get him to the wedding,
none of this ever happened.

It's gonna be okay.

(SIGHS) Thanks, Dad. You
always know what to say.

Uh, Vanessa just pulled in.

Run for your lives. Baxter out.

♪ Here comes the bridesmaids ♪

♪ All dressed like bridesmaids ♪

Kristin. What the heck.

I told you I'm not wearing that dress.

I'm pregnant. The dress isn't.

But it's tradition.

Bridesmaids have to dress the same,

so they can be a backdrop for the bride.

The bride has to shine.

She will shine. I
just won't be as itchy.

(CHUCKLES) You can still wear the dress.

No. This is not how it's supposed to go.

What if all the bridesmaids
in the movie Bridesmaids

didn't dress like bridesmaids?

Then it would just be called
Some Friends Who Show Up.

Oh, Jen, darling,

you look lovely.

Thank you. See?

She wants us to wear the dresses.

She'll be so mad if we don't.

Oh, honestly, no, no, no.

Y-You girls wear whatever you like.

My first wedding, we didn't
even have bridesmaids.

(CHUCKLES) See?

Oh, technically, I guess we did.

My mother threw dresses on
two complete strangers. Ugh.

That's what you are to me.

A complete stranger.

Bet's to you, moneybags.

Hey, Mom. 'Sup?

Uh, I forgot to give Ed his boutonniere.

- Where is he?
- Oh, it's okay. I will give it to him.

Bye-bye.

What, uh, w-what are you guys playing?

- Well, uh...
- Oh, God, I can't take the pressure, okay?

He's gone. Mr. Alzate is gone.

What? Ed's gone?

I'm sorry I cracked, Mandy.

- You saw how she went after me.
- Wh...

Where-where is Ed?

We don't know. W-We... He's
not answering his phone.

But don't worry, we'll find him.

Oh, God, oh, God, I did it again.

Oh, I've let my mother down.

So much for a clean slate.

The slate will just
stay dirty. I'll just...

I'll always be dirty,
filthy-slate Vanessa.

(COMPUTER RINGING)

Hey, it's-it's Mike calling back.

For the first time.

Mike! Mike.

Hey, have you heard? Ed's missing.

What?

Drop it, Dad. Give us what you got.

W-Wait. I got an idea.
Uh, Chuck, do you remember

when we put that tracking
app on Ed's phone?

Oh, yeah. When he kept losing it.

T-This is no time to reminisce.

- We have got to find Ed.
- On it, Baxter.

A-All right. They're closing
the door, so I got to go.

Everything's gonna be okay, Vanessa.

Yeah, I'm turning it off.

Are you gonna be like this
for the whole half hour?

H-Hey, h-hey, I-I found Ed.

What... Oh, thank God.

If he's in a bar, I'll kill him.

He's in the hospital.

What did you do?

Ed? What happened?

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Oh, okay. I mean, you
know, I-I'm only asking

because you're in a hospital
bed on your wedding day.

(CHUCKLES)

It's kidney stones.

- Kidney stones? (SIGHS)
- Yeah.

Why does everything always happen to me?

Oh, y... To-to you.

No, I mean, to-to you.

I can usually ride them out,
but this one's different.

I mean, it's been getting
worse all week. I...

Damn thing feels like
the size of a meatball.

Ah, well, that's one thing

I'm gonna delete from the family menu.

Ed, why-why didn't you tell anybody?

- (MOANS) Don't.
- Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Yeah, I thought I could
get over here, see the doc

and get some pain meds and still
make it to the wedding, and...

but when he saw the size of it...

- Well, here I am.
- Mm.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, I wish you had
said something sooner.

We could have postponed the ceremony.

Oh, no, no, Vanessa. I th...
did not want that to happen.

This was too important to you.

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Mm, well, I mean,

not that it matters
now, but yeah, it-it was.

I was just... I was just
trying to make up for something

at her first wedding.

Her first wedding?

That's not something you need to do.

No, trust me, it-it is.

E-Ed, I don't want to talk about it.

I just... I can't.

Holy crap. You know.

Know what?

Holy crap, you know!

- (EXCLAIMS)
- Oh, sorr... sorry. I'm sorry.

Please. Oh, God...

Of course I know. We're getting married.

She told me all about her
past life and I told her...

much of mine.

Well, I mean, I'm glad
she confided in someone.

When you love each other, you
don't have secrets between you.

Yeah, well, you'd think, right?

Yeah, but you're keeping a
secret now from her, right? Huh?

Maybe it's time you two come clean.

(SIGHS) I don't know, Ed.
I ju... It's too scary. I...

Scary? You want scary?

I'm about to become
your stepfather, so...

(BOTH LAUGH)

- Oh! Don't-don't...
- I'm sorry. Oh...

- Don't come closer.
- So sorry.

What?

What happened?

(SIGHS)

You can tell me. I'm a Marine.

I can handle bad news.

I just... (SIGHS)

I mean, I don't know what
I'm gonna tell my mom.

(CRYING): Oh, God.

I loved the guy so much.

I don't know what I'm
gonna do without him.

ED: Get the hell in here, Chuck.

Damn.

(GASPS) Oh.

- How is he?
- Uh, he's fine.

Did he-did he pass the stone yet?

Uh, well, the-the doctor
said it could take a while.

Oh. I suppose that's because

it has to travel quite a...

(CHUCKLES) ... distance.

Oof.

Mom, I-I... I-I need
to tell you something

and, uh, it's-it's not easy.

I saw your old marriage certificate.

I did the math.

Oh.

Surprise.

Mom, a-all those things
you've been saying

about your first wedding,

I mean, it's obvious you resented me.

Even though

I-I was just a little
pootie-pootie doodle head.

Oh, darling, I... Oh, please.

Oh, those barbs were not aimed at you.

They were aimed at me.
I was... I was disappointed.

In myself, in your father

for getting us into
that situation, and...

Although...

we did have some fun
getting there, too. (LAUGHS)

Oof.

I suppose I-I should've...

I should've told you the truth,

but in-in my defense,

I am a tightly-wound, repressed,

Episcopalian control freak.

I mean, apparently, not
that one night, but...

Look, Mom, I'm just worried

that I may have ruined more
than just your first wedding.

I-I feel like I may
have ruined your life.

Darling, what are you talking about?

Well, I mean, you always
wanted a college education,

and-and being pregnant with
me kind of stopped that.

Sweetheart,

I got exactly the
education that I wanted.

I raised an exceptional daughter.

Thank you, Mom.

- (CRYING)
- Thank you.

(CHUCKLES) Look what I found.

A giant kidney stone attached
to a stubborn Spaniard.

BONNIE: Oh. Edward, are
you all right, darling?

- Oh, oh, no, no, no.
- I know, I know.

All the better to see you, my dear.

Wait, should-should he be up?

No. But he's Ed.

He said there was no way he
was gonna miss this wedding.

Edward, you are not
to leave this hospital.

No, no. I've waited
through four bad marriages

to get to this one.

I'm not gonna wait another day.

You know what?

Maybe you don't have to.

(CHUCKLES) Don't start without us.

- VANESSA: Oh, wow.
- Oh... Oh, my God!

- Oh, you girls look beautiful.
- Yeah.

Kristin, I didn't know
you were gonna wear it.

I did.

We're your bridesmaids.
We-we wanted you to shine.

(CHUCKLES)

She said it's coming off in a half hour,

- so we should get going.
- VANESSA: Yeah, yeah. -Mm-hmm.

Okay. Okay.

We also brought you
something for your hair.

Oh, how beautiful. Oh, darling.

- Thank you. Isn't that lovely?
- Here, Mom, I'll do it.

- Yes, beautiful. All right, where?
- Yeah, yeah. Stick it...

- Right there? Okay, got it.
- I think the... Yeah.

- Let me do it!
- Aah!

There's a right way and a wrong way.

Ooh, okay. (CHUCKLES)

You girls really do look beautiful.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Excuse me, I'm looking for
the Alzate-Davis wedding.

- Mike! Oh, my God.
- (LAUGHS) Oh, God.

And minutes to spare. I
could've got myself a hot dog.

Honey, honey, listen, I-I
know you had a long travel day,

but I-I kind of need
you to get in there.

- Yeah.
- Uh, gladly. You two look wonderful.

Thanks, Dad. Mwah.

- All right.
- And Mike?

- Yeah?
- I'm so glad you're here.

#MeToo.

(CLAPPING)

Okay, people. Here's
how it's going to go.

Me first, because I'm shortest,
then Kristin, then Mandy.

Lead with your right foot and...

- (MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE)
- Okay...

♪♪

(MUSIC STOPS)

Okay, we're gathered here
today because of the miracle

of Yamaha snowmobiles

and Rocky Mountain Regional Airlines.

So, we stand here before God,

family,

friends

and the afternoon staff here
at Denver General Hospital.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man

- to tell you about a-a secret sale.
- Shh!

Mm. "So, when is it?"
"What's for sale, Mike?"

"How much is discounted?"

Look, I'm not telling you, because...

it's a secret.

That's frustrating, isn't it?

There are some things
you should keep secret,

some things you shouldn't. (CHUCKLES)

If you've ever owned a
pair of MC Hammer pants,

you might want to take
that to your grave.

Although they're quite comfortable.

The saying goes, "Our secrets
make us sick, but be careful.

Depending on what you're sharing,

confessions can bite you in the ass".

Now, if it's really
important to keep a secret,

word of advice: don't
bug your own office.

You were an odd bird, Tricky Dick. Man.

Sometimes secrets weigh so heavily on us

that it's hard to move forward
while carrying them around.

Mm, it's like trying to paddle upriver

with a canoe full of beer kegs.

Trust me, it's easier coming
back upriver when they're empty.

Make it so.

So if something is weighing you down,

maybe it's time to lighten your load.

And if you need somewhere to put it,

as chance would have
it, we've got 50% off

hard-shell cargo carriers.

Look at that... I just
told you my secret.

I-I feel better. How
about you? Baxter out.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)