Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 4 - You've Got Male (or Female) - full transcript

MIKE: You should
consider yourself lucky.

A couple short months,
you're gonna be a brother.

Why is that lucky?

Why is that lucky? Well, whoever
it is, you're can have fun with.

You can spend
a whole weekend saying,

"Hey, why are you
hitting yourself?

- Stop hitting yourself."
- Quit it! Quit it! - Dad.

- No, stop...
- Quit it! Ow! -Dad?

- KRISTIN: Hi.
- Stop it! Stop hitting yourself!

I don't know
what's wrong with you.

Mandy used to hit herself, too.



I'm gonna go set up
the hockey goal.

And then I'll teach you
about noogies.

I'm good at this.
Yeah, my brother, eight years old,

had a bald spot from
all the rubbing.

- BOYD: Hi, Grandma.
- Hi, sweetie.

Well, guys,
how was the baby shower?

Amazing.
But it wasn't a shower.

- It was a sprinkle.
- Oh.

Which is a smaller get-together
you do before the shower.

Everybody's doing them.

"Before shower."
So, uh, BS.

Look, we took so many pictures.

- Look at all the pictures!
- Oh, yeah, yeah. -Kristin looks so cute.

- Want to see?
- Oh, my God. And then...



- Yeah, show him. Look, here, she's wearing this little hat...
- (chattering)

You know what,
you know what?

How about I just look at her,
she's right here. Look at that.

You know what? Fine. I'll
just... I'll put them online,

and you can look at them later.

You know, when you used to have
to pay for film,

every photo wasn't
an event, right?

My birth photo
and my graduation from college...

Same roll of film.

Yeah, you know what?

That's the big crisis
facing the planet.

Too much joy-sharing.

Uh, uh-oh, looks like Boyd
is tangled in the hockey net.

- Oh. You gonna get get him?
- No.

Ha-ha, but I am gonna
get a picture.

You know what?
I am having

- the best time with Kristin.
- Yeah?

And you want to hear
the most exciting part?

- Mm-hmm?
- She wants a gender reveal party.

Yay, more parties.

You know, I would throw
the best party ever.

Now, that video would go viral.

"Go viral." Remember when
that used to mean a high fever,

severe itching,
and body sores?

I miss those days.

*LAST MAN STANDING*
Season 08 Episode 04

*LAST MAN STANDING*
Title: "You've Got Male (or Female)"

Sync corrections by srjanapala

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.

- Got a sec?
- Yeah. For you, 30 seconds.

But for my grandchild,
all the time in the world.

Mm-huh

Good.
Uh, I wanted to talk to you

about the gender reveal party.

Put me down for plus-none.

Right. Um, so the person
in charge of the gender reveal

has a lot of responsibility.

Sure. Let's see, do we buy
pink confetti or blue confetti?

It's just like Eisenhower
during D-Day.

Yeah.

And much like D-Day,
the hardest part

is keeping the secret
until the very last minute.

Until then, only that person
and the doctor knows

what is in here.

You're worried about your mom
cracking and spilling the beans.

Ah, you hit the nail
on that curly blonde head.

Which is why, uh, Ryan and I

would...
like to have you do it.

(chuckles)

You want me
to plan a party?

Yeah... No, I know you think
that they're ridiculous

- and you don't want to be there...
- I'll do it, I'll do it.

Wh... I'm-I'm sorry?
I thought you hated parties.

I hate parties.
But I love tormenting your mother.

(chuckling)
And me knowing something

that she really wants to know
is gonna drive her crazy.

Yeah, um, Dad, that's-that's
not really why we're asking you.

I know, that's just a perk.

Um...

Wait, have you told her yet?

- No.
- Don't, don't, don't, don't.

Let me do it.

I'm gonna savor
every minute of this.

This is great.

Don't look at me like that.

She would do the same thing
to me.

That's why we make
such a great couple.

You have an odd marriage.

Every relationship's
about power,

and you just gave me
the nuclear codes.

Oh, just the man
I'm looking for.

Chuck, do you happen
to be free this weekend?

I'm free! Count me in.

You shouldn't agree
to do something

before you know
what it is.

That's easy for you
to say, Chuck.

You're not lonely.

Well, as you know, you know,
Bonnie's moving in with me

after we're married,
and I'm remodeling a room

- just for her.
- Oh, which room?

The discotheque.

I barely go in there,
so, you know...

So you need somebody to, uh...

To paint the place,
hang some shelves,

and find a buyer for
a giant mirrored ball.

- Let me think about it.
- ED: You already said

that you're free
and lonely, all right?

Hard to walk that back.

All right, I'm in.

I'll do it for the disco ball.

Perfect last touch
for my man cave.

Sold, sold, sold.
There you go.

Hey, wait a minute.
I didn't know

we were asking for stuff.
I'd like a thousand dollars.

Huh. How about I order you
a pizza?

Done.

Hey, Jen.
Is Vanessa around?

I think she's upstairs.

Okay. Little warning...

you might want to put
your guard up around her

until Saturday.

Why?

Get this: Kristin asked me

to put on
the gender reveal party.

It's gonna make
my beautiful, lovely wife

go stark, raving mad.

She asked you?

But Vanessa was convinced
she would be the one

trusted to do this
unpleasant task.

I know...

Your attitude is confusing.

Is it some cultural difference
I don't understand,

or are you just being
a jerk?

Bingo.

All she wants to know
is the gender of this kid

before anybody else.

But now only you will know
that secret.

I know.

So why do I need
to keep my guard up?

She'll probably try to work you
for information.

And you want to be
on the winning team.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey, Jen. Hi, honey.

- Hi, baby.
- Uh, what winning team?

The field hockey team
at school.

They're a winning team.
I might try to join.

Maybe I'll be a middle fielder,

although Mr. Baxter thinks
I'll be more effective

as an attacker,
like maybe right wing,

and I'm going to take that
into consideration,

but I really need
to finish my homework.

Uh... how was your day?

- A little slower than that.
- (both chuckle)

I had a great day, actually.
Had a great lunch, hamburger,

garlic fries;
oh, and Kris asked me

to plan the gender reveal party.

What?

She asked you to do it?

Yes, indeed.

What?
I thought she was gonna ask me.

Yeah. Well, now, I'm the only
one that's gonna know

if we're gonna have a grandson
or a granddaughter.

- Okay.
- Ha-ha.

Wait,
wh... whoa-whoa-whoa.

Is that how you're gonna
play this?

Like you really don't
want to know?

Honey. No, of course
I want to know,

and I will know, at the party,
when everybody else does.

But in the meantime,
I'm just gonna

enjoy the excitement
building every day

from now until then.

She didn't seem upset
at all.

No, she didn't.

She came to play.

- Hi, Vanessa.
- Hey.

What are you doing?

I'm just helping Mike out a bit
by setting up the drinks table.

Cool. Cool.

So, did you find out
whether it's a boy or a girl?

Uh, I don't know.

(chuckling):
Only Mike knows that.

It's killing me.

You know, we could probably
come up with a plan

to find out before
everyone else does.

I doubt it. Mike is pretty good
at keeping a secret.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm pretty good at getting
people to tell me secrets.

That's how I found out
Kyle's PIN number.

Oh, come on. Everybody knows
Kyle's PIN number,

it's one-two-three-four.

See, I didn't know that.

But now I do.

Well, I am sure
you're very good,

but it is very hard
to trick Mike Baxter.

Seriously, what is your plan?

I don't have one.

I'm just gonna find out
when everybody else does.

There is no plan.

There's got to be a plan.
There's got to be.

Listen, go back in there
and find out what she's up to.

You go in there.

I'll stay here
and guard the piñata.

This isn't a piñata.
This is the finest

confetti cannon money can buy.

This is the same unit Elton John
uses for all his concerts,

his house parties,
and every time

he gets out of a car.

Have you considered
the possibility

that Vanessa
doesn't have a plan,

and she's just being honest?

Yeah.
Uh, that would be a nightmare.

Why?

Because if this isn't
driving her crazy,

all I'd be is a party planner.

(knock at door)

Okay, that's a...
Oh, hey,

look at that.

Great job, fellas.

Great job. Terrific.
All right. Now...

- Now for the fun part.
- Right, heading home with my Zumba ball.

I mean, disco ball.

No. Just put everything
in these boxes

up on those shelves, that's all.

Oh, sounds easy.
What have you got there?

Okay. Dolls. Yeah?

Yeah, there are a couple
of dozen or so, so...

let's just get them
on these shelves...

and call it a weekend.

(playful teasing, chuckles)

Let's see, now...

Hey, you guys finished
ahead of schedule.

So... I'll cancel the pizza.

- You okay, buddy?
- I don't like dolls.

I don't like their eyes,
I don't like their heads,

I don't like the fact that

they think they're better
than you.

(laughs) Relax, Joe.

They're just toys.

Yeah, until it's nighttime
and you're asleep.

And you think
they're asleep, too.

(chuckling): You've seen
far too many movies, man.

Oh, really, Chuck?

Or should I say, Chucky?

You can say
whatever you want,

but you are not dragging me into
your private little freak-out.

You don't think this is creepy?

No, man.
I was in Desert Storm.

It's gonna take a lot more
than that to scare me.

- DOLL: Mama.
- (screams)

I knew it.
One of them's still alive.

Maybe more.

Let's just... let's just
get out of here, okay?

- Open the door.
- I'm trying, but it's stuck.

Mama.

(both scream)

I don't know
about you guys,

but I have no idea how my dad's
gonna do the big reveal.

Oh, if I know Mr. B,
it's gonna be big and loud.

I'm the father, and if Mike
has any respect for me at all,

he's not gonna do some
big, macho explosion.

He's gonna do a big,
macho explosion.

Hey, hon.

Uh, look, I don't want
to horn in on your party,

but, um, what do you think
of this cradle, huh? It's cute.

You know what's cute?

This little game
you're playing.

(sighs)

Mike, what-what are you being
crazy about now?

Ah, nothing.
I know you're dying

- to know what this kid is.
- Yeah, well...

But I just can't figure out
what your...

your angle is.

(laughs)
I don't have an angle.

Look, I'm sorry, I guess
I've just matured into someone

who doesn't need to know
everyone's secrets.

So, the cradle?

Too busy.

(scoffs)

Hey, great party, Mr. B.

Whatever.

Yeah, even with the food,
you're keeping us guessing.

First hotdogs,
then tacos.

Brilliant.

Just go ahead and say it.

I'm an amazing
little party planner.

You're an amazing
little party planner.

I got into this racket
to annoy my wife,

and now she's matured.

So you know what
that makes me?

An amazing little party planner?

It makes me a man
who fans out napkins.

Napkins.

Okay, I'm not entirely sure
what's happening right now.

- So can I...?
- Go.

All right, everybody. I'm gonna
let the cat out of the bag.

Five minutes.

So that's how he's gonna do it.

I hate this stupid party.

You know you're talking
to the party planner?

What do you mean,
you hate this party?

I didn't get a party,

but I guess I was
just Mom's big mistake.

Listen up. Might be more
like six minutes.

Ooh.
I bet the cat got out.

Hey, Boyd.

Cut the TV off.
We got to talk.

I'm fine.

Listen, nobody who watches
Don Lemon is fine.

Did you really mean
what you said,

about being
your mom's big mistake?

It's true, isn't it?

You weren't the biggest mistake.

You were a monumental,
colossal, gigantic mistake.

What?

Listen, when an unmarried
high school girl gets pregnant,

we don't throw parties.

Most times, the families move.

Did you come in here
to make me feel better?

I came in here
to tell you the truth.

It was a really rough time
for everybody.

We didn't know
what was gonna happen.

Okay.

- Thank you for telling me the truth.
- I'm not finished yet.

Then you happened.

March 14, 2:15 in the morning.

Your grandma was
the birth coach, I was somewhere

in the hospital
looking for salty snacks.

But I heard you, and man,
you were a loud kid.

- I was?
- Yeah.

I think you woke up
the coma patients

on the other side
of the hospital.

Wait, you're calling me loud?

When I first heard you,

suddenly,
there was no mistake anymore.

It was just you.

And you made everything better.

So you were never
ashamed of me?

No.

Well...

Come on, you dropped a pass

in the end zone,
could've won the game.

I wasn't... that wasn't
the best moment for me...

I was...

No. No.

All right.

Now, how would you like to help
me introduce the newest member

of this family?

I am loud.

Come on.

Oh, and just so you know,
that was a tough pass to catch.

- I mean, it hit me in a bad spot.
- Yeah. Your hands.

Okay, this is
the sixth message, Ed.

We're locked in your doll room.

- What are you doing?
- I've seen enough movies to know

you don't turn your back
on a haunted doll.

There's no such thing
as a haunted doll.

There is no such thing.

(knocking on door)

(sighs)

What's with you dumbbells?

We were locked in here, Ed.

Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Oh, yeah, I forgot,

it's busted.

I was gonna get you
to fix that later.

Oh, look at this. Bonnie's gonna
love her new collection.

New? Well, aren't these hers?

No, no, no, no. No, j-just one
of them. One of them is.

Uh, where'd the rest of them
come from?

Oh, so this old lady died
and they were in her attic.

You'd be surprised
how little I paid for them.

No, I wouldn't.

Bonnie's always loved her doll.

So, I thought, what's better
than one doll, right?

Uh, zero dolls.

I mean, so,
so this is the wedding gift?

Yes, yes.
I can't wait to see her face.

Oh, Ed, I'm-a do you
a favor, man. Um...

- Okay, just for a second, pretend you're Bonnie.
- Yep?

- What?
- Come on, just-just pretend you're Bonnie.

- Uh...
- Who-who should I be?

You should be quiet.

- Okay, come on, I'm Bonnie. Now what?
- Okay, okay, okay.

- Um, okay, now...
- Yeah...

- All right.
- ...close your eyes.

- Oh, close your eyes.
- All right.

Now, imagine the man
you are about to marry

- says he has a surprise for you.
- Mm-hmm.

He says he created a room
in his big house just for you.

- Mm-hmm.
- He leads you

- in here...
- Mm-hmm.

...you open your eyes, and...

Jumping Jeffrey Dahmer.

Oh...

(exhales)

Uh, yeah,
it's-it's not too late, Ed.

We'll just, uh, grab the doll
that belongs to Bonnie,

we'll put the rest in boxes

and we'll turn this
into a sewing room.

I don't know
which one is Bonnie's. I...

- Um...
- Look, you guys figure it out, okay?

I am out of here.

Oops.

DOLL:
Let's play a game.

(grunts)

All right, gather, everybody,
for the big reveal.

Let's do this.
Um, uh, where is Vanessa?

I haven't seen her.
I think maybe she's hurt.

Maybe she thought
her husband should have

a higher opinion of her
than he apparently does.

(clears throat)
Interesting theory.

- (loud boom)
- (Vanessa shouts)

VANESSA:
Damn you, Mike Baxter!

Yes!

- What was that?
- Oh, that explosion

was the sweet sound
of me being right.

Whoa!

(Mike laughing)

(gasps)

You know what? You probably
thought that if you looked

in that cannon, you'd get
the gender of the baby?

Maybe.

What you didn't know
was that I rigged it to explode,

- Right.
- 'cause... knowing you'd do just that, because you are

the childish, immature woman
that I fell in love with.

Oh. I'm the grandmother.
I should be the first to know.

- Oh, honey.
- I mean, who even are all these people?

Uh, well, we're the parents.

Uh, so Mom's green.

Does that mean that we're having
a little baby lizard?

No, no, that was just a trap.

The glitter cannon
was just a diversion.

A green herring, if you will.

(laughs)

It's got everything you need
with a joke: a color and a fish.

All right, all right. Can we,
can we just get on with this?

And everyone, stop staring.

I'm green, all right?
Get over it.

Yeah, yeah,
let's get this thing going.

I want to find out if I'm gonna
be an aunt or an uncle.

Listen, the gender reveal
is a big honor.

And who better
to have that honor

than the baby's
big brother? Yeah?

- Thanks, Grandpa.
- It's right there.

It's snowing.

Oh! Oh! Pink snow!

Honey, it's a girl.

- It's a girl.
- We're having a girl.

Finally, a soprano
to harmonize with.

Kyle, Kyle,
I wouldn't eat any of that snow.

It was suspiciously cheap.

Honey...

Are you, are you excited

about getting
your first granddaughter?

Yes, I am, and also about being
married to Swamp Thing.

(laughs)

Well, I hope this baby
doesn't inherit

my need to know every secret.

- Well, I hope it does.
- Hmm...

- And everything else.
- Aw.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Mmm...

(Kristin laughs)

Now this,
I got to get a picture of.

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.

(chuckles) My kid is about
to have another kid,

which makes me think about
the little one's adventures,

and the ones I had
when I was a kid.

Learning the hard way bedsheets
make a lousy parachute.

12 feet off the garage
didn't seem like that much,

but in free fall? Ouch.

Skinny-dipping in a river
so cold my buddy Matt Clark

got freezer burn on his nuts.

Or the time Archie Harris pushed
me off my bike, broke my arm.

I asked him to sign my cast,
then I clubbed him with it.

(laughs)
The point is, we did stuff.

And sure, most of it
was injuring each other,

but we weren't just watching
life or taking pictures of it.

Life was all the amazing things
that happened

between trips
to the emergency room.

Now, thanks to the Gram,
Snapchat and TikTok,

I worry that
the future generations,

like my granddaughter's,

won't even know how to look
each other in the eye.

If you can't look
each other in the eye,

how the hell are you gonna
hit someone in the throat

with your slingshot?

Baxter out.

(chicken clucks)

Captioned by
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