Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 20 - Extrasensory Deception - full transcript
Mm. Tell you what, these pot
shop numbers are really good.
I'll bet it's the only thing
these stoners can remember.
(STONER VOICE): "Hey,
where'd you put your car, man?
Wait a minute.
We got to buy more weed".
There is something
else I got to tell you,
but I don't want this to get out.
You're not a complete idiot.
Oh, my God, are you dying?
No, but I didn't like
how excited you just got.
I'm kidding. I don't want you to die.
- Not anymore.
- Yeah.
Hey, honey.
You and your vlog made Denver's list
of Top Ten Online Personalities again.
See? Look. Congratulations.
(TAKES DEEP BREATH)
What?
I said congratulations.
I know, I just wanted to hear it again.
Oh, hey, uh, any mention
of Ry-Ry and Ky-Ky,
the Sci-Fi Guy-Guys?
Uh, oh, yes, yes.
Your podcast got Most Rhyming Name.
No, no, you didn't get
mentioned, Ryan. No.
We just can't get any traction.
I mean, nerds love
sci-fi and the Internet.
What am I missing?
You're boring.
Mike.
Not him personally.
The podcast is boring,
and you're just the
face of that boredom.
What Mike is trying to say is,
if you want to get noticed,
you got to make some noise.
You bring on a name guest,
create some conflict...
Wow. You are red hot when you
repeat things I've told you.
Mm. (IMITATES SIZZLE)
You're saying we don't create
enough conflict on the podcast?
No, no, not really.
Right now, you and Kyle
are just two nice guys who
always agree with each other.
Right, you got to get
alternate points of view.
You know, get the audience
invested in picking a side.
It's basic storytelling.
Mike, I think I know
how to tell a story.
You do, huh? Well, here's one.
This guy had a boring podcast,
didn't take advice,
it sucked, end of story.
Oh, oh, that was fascinating.
I-I was on the edge of my seat.
Oh, okay, so what you're saying is,
we need a guest that's
contrarian and opinionated
- and loves to hear himself talk.
- Mm, yeah,
preferably, someone who already
has an Internet presence
- Oh.
- who might bring in some new listeners,
and he's also a sweetheart.
Wait. I... I see where this is going.
Listen, you know I've always said that,
- Mm-hmm.
- uh, podcasts are so boring,
no one with any
self-respect would do it.
But?
Uh, still the same.
♪♪
What?
I don't want to do a podcast
with a bunch of sci-fi nerds.
They'll probably just call in,
ask, "Hey, what are girls like?"
Oh, uh-huh. Yeah.
Well, that's totally understandable.
I mean, I get it, I get it.
There's nothing to get.
Podcast, sci-fi, Ryan?
It's the trifecta of useless things.
What?
I think it's nice how close
you and Ryan are getting.
I think it's nice that
you say such crazy things.
I've been married to you for 30 years.
- I always know what you're thinking.
- You know what?
Remind me to buy a
lead helmet. You know...
Alexa, add "lead helmet"
to my shopping list.
ALEXA: Okay. I've added "lead
helmet" to your shopping list.
Huh.
And now you're making
jokes to try to distract me.
Is it working?
No.
You know...
you like how your relationship
is with Ryan right now,
and you don't want to do
anything to screw that up.
I mean, that's why you're a sweetheart.
Okay, all right, I admit it.
I like not arguing with the man
that's gonna give me
my second grandchild.
Mm-hmm, and you don't
want to go on his podcast
because you're afraid you
might get into a fight,
and that will screw things up.
It's not gonna be a fight.
I'll rip his head off.
He'll never recover.
I am just too powerful.
Okay.
I know that it would mean a lot
to Ryan if you did his show.
Isn't it enough that I just
give him a pot shop to run
and he gets to marry my oldest daughter?
Let me... let me tell you a story, okay?
Once upon a time there
was a very nice man
who wanted to help out his son-in-law,
so he called him and he
said he'd do his podcast.
I don't like the
beginning of that story,
the middle or the end of that story.
Oh, excuse me.
Um, can we get some menus
when you get a chance, please?
Oh, I'm so sorry. Most people just read
the giant chalkboard, but...
let me see what I can do.
Wow. Didn't notice the giant chalkboard,
- but Trevor sure is a giant as...
- Okay, Mandy.
We're-we're having a nice lunch.
If this booth seems small to me,
what are you guys going through?
Well, I told them there
would be four of us.
Yeah, did you tell them
that one of us was two of us?
Maybe we should take turns.
Three of us eat while one of us watches.
Then we rotate. Like volleyball.
Aw. You know this is fun, this is fun.
- It's like eating lunch in the backseat of a car.
- Yeah.
Uh, excuse me. Could
we get a larger table?
My daughter's pregnant, and...
Oh. My sister was pregnant once.
- Aw.
- She stayed home.
This guy is incredibly rude.
Nothing an elbow to the face can't cure.
Kristin, you look uncomfortable.
Do you want to switch with me?
Good idea. Yeah. I'll
probably be making, uh,
several trips to the bathroom,
so... (CHUCKLES)
Okay.
- Oh!
- Oh! Uh, sorry.
Okay, okay...
(CHUCKLES): Sorry.
Baby on the way.
No, oh, no, no, not now.
Soon. Soon. We're... we're excited.
Hey. That was on the floor.
Well, I didn't put it there.
Hey, that attitude will
be reflected in your tip!
Well, this is gonna be my first
podcast about superheroes.
I'm excited. When do I
get my thick black glasses
with the tape in the middle of 'em?
It's, uh, it's just audio, sir.
The listeners, they can't see you.
Their loss.
He's kidding, Kyle. He's
just trying to annoy me.
No, no. If I was trying to annoy you,
we wouldn't be talking superheroes,
we'd be talking Ronald Reagan.
I love it, Mike. Whatever
you got, I can take it.
Well, let's just pretend that's true.
If I knew this was gonna be stressful,
I wouldn't be drinking bubbly water.
And we're on in three, two...
Hello...
and welcome to another episode
of Ry-Ry and Ky-Ky,
- the Sci-Fi Guy-Guys.
- Yeah, we have
a very special guest with us today,
none other than Outdoor Man himself,
Mr. Mike Baxter.
- Well, thank you, guys, for having me on.
- Yep.
So now Mi-Mi is a Guy-Guy.
You really got to
stop-stop before I die-die.
Okay, today's topic is the
evolution of superheroes.
Oh, really? When do I
get my broken glasses
with the tape in the middle? (LAUGHING)
Okay. Well, I can't
take credit for that one.
That joke is a Mike Baxter original.
Since you ruined it, it's yours.
Uh, and back to topic.
Today we see our superheroes
with a more nuanced lens...
with moral ambiguity,
complex motivations...
but, uh, Mike, I'm sure you preferred
back in the olden days,
when, uh, our superheroes
just stood for truth, justice
and the American way?
Well, you're probably
not gonna like this, Ryan,
but I agree with you.
I'm actually fascinated
by the complexities
of today's antiheroes.
Okay, you don't have to play nice
just because you're our guest here.
I don't play nice. I
just farted in this chair.
There's no such thing
as all good or all bad.
It's complex, guys.
It's like real life now.
Look at real life... it's-it's
a snake pit out there.
Yeah, okay, but we're
talking superheroes here,
not the real world.
Well, yeah, but modern superheroes
reflect our modern world.
I mean, let's face it, these
are scary and confusing times.
MIKE: Exactly. And the darker
the hero, the darker the villain.
And today's villains, youch.
They'll crush a butterfly,
eat it like that,
kill women, children.
They don't care. It almost makes them...
a bit more interesting.
Ah. And there you have it, the
viewpoint of Mr. Mike Baxter.
Uh, can I say something?
Mr. Baxter, you...
are full of crap.
What?
Yeah, that's right, I said "crap".
And I'm not gonna sit
here and listen to you.
You know why? Because it's crap.
All right, I'm leaving,
because I, for one, do
not like conflict!
KRISTIN: Is it a good idea
for us to go out again?
What if this place
is as bad as the place
where Trevor works?
Oh, it is. We're going back to
the place where Trevor works.
Uh, why don't we just eat lunch in Hell?
Because he was horrible,
and we are going to pay him back.
Ladies! We're ready!
(LAUGHS)
KRISTIN: What?
What is this?
Oh, you know, just three pregnant women
going to lunch and glowing.
Look at the size of me.
I feel so...
American.
Oh. After lunch, we should
have a belly-bumping contest.
Hyah!
I love it, I really... I love it,
but why exactly are you guys doing this?
Well, because if Trevor nearly lost it
with one pregnant woman,
oh, he'll definitely lose it with three.
Yeah, and if not...
whack!...
he gets the elbow.
- Chuck.
- Hmm?
Look, I'm looking for Kyle.
Uh, hey, you have eyes on him?
You mean look for him on the monitor?
Everybody wants to talk
like they're on CSI.
No, he is not in the retail
store or in his office.
- What's up?
- I don't know,
I think he's trying to avoid me.
When I find him, I'll let you know why.
Hey, Mikey. How's it going?
Have you seen Kyle?
Oh, yes, yes, he's hiding under my desk.
Ed!
We-we both said we would cover for him.
I know, but I'd like my office back.
Why is he hiding from me?
Everybody hides from
you every now and then.
We stopped asking why.
Kyle, get out here.
KYLE: Uh, Kyle who?
Uh, Anderson?
KYLE: Aw, nuts.
Can we talk for a minute in my office?
Yeah.
I'm sorry, I just needed some legroom.
So... so what's going on?
Oh, nothing. Why do you ask?
Well, maybe 'cause I'm full of crap?
You heard that?
I was sitting right next to you.
So tell me what's going on.
Something. Something huge.
I mean, really, really
huge, but I can't tell you.
You understand that, right?
Sure, I understand. I
mean, why wouldn't I?
You were hiding under a desk.
Listen, if this is work-related
or something like that,
I'm here. I-I will listen.
No, it-it's okay. Really.
- I-I have Mandy that I can talk to.
- Okay, then.
- I mean, actually, she's the one who told me.
- Okay.
Not with words, but she just
came out of the bathroom smiling
and pointing at the stick.
- Are you...
- Oh, wait, did I say "stick"?
I meant pregnancy test. Oh, damn it!
Mandy's pregnant?
Yeah.
I'm conflicted. I-I want
to tell you to get out,
- but I also want to go...
- (LAUGHS)
Wow.
- This is great. This is...
- Yeah.
Becoming a father is the best news ever.
- Thanks. Oh, I'm so happy.
- Yes.
So that's why you
snapped on the podcast.
You heard all the stuff about
snake pit and the heroes,
and-and you just want
to protect that kid.
Exactly, yeah. It's like I want
to cover the baby in bubble wrap.
Yeah. Well, I'm fairly
certain that's illegal,
so let's not do that.
I mean, Mandy and I,
- we are terrified.
- Yeah, this is great.
I mean, there's so
much danger everywhere.
Everything in our apartment is sharp.
Well...
You know?
A-And it's like I don't know what to do.
- No, hey, hey.
- Right? It's like the whole world
was built to threaten my kid.
You can handle this. Trust me.
It'll all change when you see that kid.
You'll stand in front of a
speeding train to protect it.
You really will.
- Thanks, Mr. B.
- Yeah.
Hey, and... and it's still super early,
- so that's why we're not telling anyone.
- Great, great.
Okay. I'll tell Vanessa,
"Don't tell anybody".
Uh, no, you-you can't tell Mrs. B.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yes, I can.
Yeah, it's just... (CHUCKLES)
Come on, it's my wife.
If I don't tell her,
she would literally kill me.
And my wife will literally
kill me if you do.
So it's you or me.
Okay, obviously, you're
more important than me.
- Good.
- But I really need this one.
I can't do this.
Vanessa can read my mind.
I don't have a lead helmet.
Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man.
Want to take a second to thank you all
for making this vlog so popular.
I may record it in
the state of Colorado,
but the Outdoor Man philosophy
is really a state of mind.
Hard to believe how big
our following has gotten.
I guess, like me, most outdoorsmen
just love hunting for the truth.
Of course, it's an election year,
so it's really not in season.
But over 2,000 years ago,
a guy had only 12 followers,
and he said something simple.
"The truth shall set you free".
Those 12 guys retweeted so many times,
Jesus now has over two billion fans.
(CHUCKLES)
Now, that is an influencer.
The only time the truth
doesn't set you free
is when you hold on to it.
This is especially dangerous
if you try to keep a
secret from your wife.
That leaves you with quite a dilemma.
"Dilemma" from "di", meaning "two",
and "lemma" as in "lemma
explain what I meant".
Marriage is just an endless
injection of sodium pentothal.
Lying to your wife is not only immoral,
it's pointless.
Try it, and you'll learn lies
can actually set you free.
Free to pack up your crap
and move into a one-bedroom across town.
Or maybe a nice one-man tent,
on sale all this month at Outdoor Man.
That's the truth. Baxter out.
♪♪
- (LAUGHS)
- Oh, that was so much fun.
Did you see the look on Trevor's face?
Oh, yeah, especially when
Jen asked to see a wine list.
Messing with people is fun.
I'm gonna go take a selfie
and send it to my dad.
No! Wait, no! No, you're not!
Don't do that! No! Hey!
Oh, you guys are the best.
Oh, I'm so lucky
to have such an amazing sister
and mom and...
exchange student.
(CHUCKLES): Honey, oh, that is so sweet,
even if it might be the
pregnancy hormones talking.
Why does it have to be the hormones?
Can't it just be something I feel?!
Okay.
I should probably go.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES)
You're, uh, you're gonna
take that off, right?
Yes. I just...
I like the way I look.
I mean, I always do,
but this is different.
Enjoy it now, because when
you really are pregnant,
there's a lot less standing
and admiring. (CHUCKLES)
- (SNIFFLES)
- Hey.
- Are you crying?
- No.
No. It's just...
Thanks for buying us all lunch, Mom.
You're so generous and beautiful.
You used to make our lunches.
Do you remember that?
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
You're... Are you mocking Kristin?
No. Why does it have
to be about Kristin?
Can't it just be something I feel?!
Oh, my God.
You're pregnant.
I didn't say that, but yes.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, honey! Oh!
You were so worried
this wouldn't happen,
- but I told you it would.
- (CHUCKLES)
Oh! (CHUCKLES) How far along are you?
Um, not this far.
(MOUTHS)
Oh, this is amazing. Oh, I just...
I'm so happy for you and for me, for us.
Your dad is gonna be so excited.
I know. You can't tell him.
Oh, yeah. Good one. Right.
No, no, no, Mom, I'm serious.
We were gonna tell you guys together.
- He's gonna be really hurt if he found out you knew first.
- No.
No, he won't. Oh, no,
wait, you're right.
Yeah, he will. He's a big baby.
Kyle. Kyle, got to relax. Just relax.
If Vanessa goes
searching up in this head,
all she's gonna hear is the
song "Danny Boy" playing.
"Danny Boy". It's a...
It's a... Never mind.
No, and I'm not taking
suggestions for another song.
That's what's playing up there. Goodbye.
♪ Danny boy ♪
♪ The pipes, the pipes ♪
♪ Are calling ♪
♪ From glen to glen and... ♪ Hey.
- You're home.
- Yeah.
You cooked.
Uh, yeah. Uh, yeah, usually do.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Yeah, usually do.
- We should take this to the table.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's a good place to eat.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Uh, how was, uh, how was your day?
- Huh?
- Day?
- Yeah.
Uh...
Normal.
How was your day?
Super normal.
Just, um, you know, normal.
RYAN: Howdy-hoo!
Did you guys hear the great news?
- I didn't hear anything.
- No, nothing. I don't know anything.
What are you talking about?
Uh, because of your guest appearance,
we got a whole host of new
subscribers to the podcast.
- Oh.
- That's why I brought the bubbly.
- MIKE: Yeah. That news. Yeah, yeah.
- Good, good. (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
- Good. Great.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Ry-Ry and Ky-Ky
going cray cray in the hey-hey!
Bubbly dooby doo, doo, doo.
That's what it sounds like to me.
I don't know what you just said.
Uh, anyway, I got to skedaddle.
Just want to drop in, say thank you.
- Ta-ta, Mi-Mi.
- MIKE: Good, good.
Well, we should eat.
- Yes, right here. Good. Yeah.
- Uh, yep.
Oh, yeah.
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
(VANESSA CLEARS THROAT)
MIKE: Mmm.
- That thing with Ryan.
- Oh.
- I know.
- Oh.
Seemed like you were...
Yeah.
- Yeah, so did you.
- Hmm.
Actually, my day...
was great.
Mine, too.
- Want some champagne?
- (LAUGHS) You read my mind.
The other day, when I was hiding
- underneath your desk...
- Mm-hmm.
... I found a nickel,
and just out of habit,
- I put it in my pocket.
- Mm-hmm.
I have just felt sick about it.
Well, thank you, Kyle.
I've been looking for that.
Hey, hey, Kyle? Uh,
why were you hiding
from Mike the other day?
I can't talk about it,
so please don't ask me any questions.
- Okay. Okay.
- Right.
It's just I can't get into it.
Okay.
But don't worry, it's not a bad thing.
All right.
'Cause, actually, it's a good thing.
I mean, really good.
Scary, a little bit, but good.
And not, like, "scary movie" scary.
- Just, like, "big life stuff" way scary, you know?
- Ah.
But that's all I'm gonna say.
For now.
Eventually, you'll know.
It'll be obvious.
So obvious.
(MOUTHS)
But that's all I can say,
so please, if you can respect that.
I bet it's a boy.
(CHICKEN CLUCKS)
shop numbers are really good.
I'll bet it's the only thing
these stoners can remember.
(STONER VOICE): "Hey,
where'd you put your car, man?
Wait a minute.
We got to buy more weed".
There is something
else I got to tell you,
but I don't want this to get out.
You're not a complete idiot.
Oh, my God, are you dying?
No, but I didn't like
how excited you just got.
I'm kidding. I don't want you to die.
- Not anymore.
- Yeah.
Hey, honey.
You and your vlog made Denver's list
of Top Ten Online Personalities again.
See? Look. Congratulations.
(TAKES DEEP BREATH)
What?
I said congratulations.
I know, I just wanted to hear it again.
Oh, hey, uh, any mention
of Ry-Ry and Ky-Ky,
the Sci-Fi Guy-Guys?
Uh, oh, yes, yes.
Your podcast got Most Rhyming Name.
No, no, you didn't get
mentioned, Ryan. No.
We just can't get any traction.
I mean, nerds love
sci-fi and the Internet.
What am I missing?
You're boring.
Mike.
Not him personally.
The podcast is boring,
and you're just the
face of that boredom.
What Mike is trying to say is,
if you want to get noticed,
you got to make some noise.
You bring on a name guest,
create some conflict...
Wow. You are red hot when you
repeat things I've told you.
Mm. (IMITATES SIZZLE)
You're saying we don't create
enough conflict on the podcast?
No, no, not really.
Right now, you and Kyle
are just two nice guys who
always agree with each other.
Right, you got to get
alternate points of view.
You know, get the audience
invested in picking a side.
It's basic storytelling.
Mike, I think I know
how to tell a story.
You do, huh? Well, here's one.
This guy had a boring podcast,
didn't take advice,
it sucked, end of story.
Oh, oh, that was fascinating.
I-I was on the edge of my seat.
Oh, okay, so what you're saying is,
we need a guest that's
contrarian and opinionated
- and loves to hear himself talk.
- Mm, yeah,
preferably, someone who already
has an Internet presence
- Oh.
- who might bring in some new listeners,
and he's also a sweetheart.
Wait. I... I see where this is going.
Listen, you know I've always said that,
- Mm-hmm.
- uh, podcasts are so boring,
no one with any
self-respect would do it.
But?
Uh, still the same.
♪♪
What?
I don't want to do a podcast
with a bunch of sci-fi nerds.
They'll probably just call in,
ask, "Hey, what are girls like?"
Oh, uh-huh. Yeah.
Well, that's totally understandable.
I mean, I get it, I get it.
There's nothing to get.
Podcast, sci-fi, Ryan?
It's the trifecta of useless things.
What?
I think it's nice how close
you and Ryan are getting.
I think it's nice that
you say such crazy things.
I've been married to you for 30 years.
- I always know what you're thinking.
- You know what?
Remind me to buy a
lead helmet. You know...
Alexa, add "lead helmet"
to my shopping list.
ALEXA: Okay. I've added "lead
helmet" to your shopping list.
Huh.
And now you're making
jokes to try to distract me.
Is it working?
No.
You know...
you like how your relationship
is with Ryan right now,
and you don't want to do
anything to screw that up.
I mean, that's why you're a sweetheart.
Okay, all right, I admit it.
I like not arguing with the man
that's gonna give me
my second grandchild.
Mm-hmm, and you don't
want to go on his podcast
because you're afraid you
might get into a fight,
and that will screw things up.
It's not gonna be a fight.
I'll rip his head off.
He'll never recover.
I am just too powerful.
Okay.
I know that it would mean a lot
to Ryan if you did his show.
Isn't it enough that I just
give him a pot shop to run
and he gets to marry my oldest daughter?
Let me... let me tell you a story, okay?
Once upon a time there
was a very nice man
who wanted to help out his son-in-law,
so he called him and he
said he'd do his podcast.
I don't like the
beginning of that story,
the middle or the end of that story.
Oh, excuse me.
Um, can we get some menus
when you get a chance, please?
Oh, I'm so sorry. Most people just read
the giant chalkboard, but...
let me see what I can do.
Wow. Didn't notice the giant chalkboard,
- but Trevor sure is a giant as...
- Okay, Mandy.
We're-we're having a nice lunch.
If this booth seems small to me,
what are you guys going through?
Well, I told them there
would be four of us.
Yeah, did you tell them
that one of us was two of us?
Maybe we should take turns.
Three of us eat while one of us watches.
Then we rotate. Like volleyball.
Aw. You know this is fun, this is fun.
- It's like eating lunch in the backseat of a car.
- Yeah.
Uh, excuse me. Could
we get a larger table?
My daughter's pregnant, and...
Oh. My sister was pregnant once.
- Aw.
- She stayed home.
This guy is incredibly rude.
Nothing an elbow to the face can't cure.
Kristin, you look uncomfortable.
Do you want to switch with me?
Good idea. Yeah. I'll
probably be making, uh,
several trips to the bathroom,
so... (CHUCKLES)
Okay.
- Oh!
- Oh! Uh, sorry.
Okay, okay...
(CHUCKLES): Sorry.
Baby on the way.
No, oh, no, no, not now.
Soon. Soon. We're... we're excited.
Hey. That was on the floor.
Well, I didn't put it there.
Hey, that attitude will
be reflected in your tip!
Well, this is gonna be my first
podcast about superheroes.
I'm excited. When do I
get my thick black glasses
with the tape in the middle of 'em?
It's, uh, it's just audio, sir.
The listeners, they can't see you.
Their loss.
He's kidding, Kyle. He's
just trying to annoy me.
No, no. If I was trying to annoy you,
we wouldn't be talking superheroes,
we'd be talking Ronald Reagan.
I love it, Mike. Whatever
you got, I can take it.
Well, let's just pretend that's true.
If I knew this was gonna be stressful,
I wouldn't be drinking bubbly water.
And we're on in three, two...
Hello...
and welcome to another episode
of Ry-Ry and Ky-Ky,
- the Sci-Fi Guy-Guys.
- Yeah, we have
a very special guest with us today,
none other than Outdoor Man himself,
Mr. Mike Baxter.
- Well, thank you, guys, for having me on.
- Yep.
So now Mi-Mi is a Guy-Guy.
You really got to
stop-stop before I die-die.
Okay, today's topic is the
evolution of superheroes.
Oh, really? When do I
get my broken glasses
with the tape in the middle? (LAUGHING)
Okay. Well, I can't
take credit for that one.
That joke is a Mike Baxter original.
Since you ruined it, it's yours.
Uh, and back to topic.
Today we see our superheroes
with a more nuanced lens...
with moral ambiguity,
complex motivations...
but, uh, Mike, I'm sure you preferred
back in the olden days,
when, uh, our superheroes
just stood for truth, justice
and the American way?
Well, you're probably
not gonna like this, Ryan,
but I agree with you.
I'm actually fascinated
by the complexities
of today's antiheroes.
Okay, you don't have to play nice
just because you're our guest here.
I don't play nice. I
just farted in this chair.
There's no such thing
as all good or all bad.
It's complex, guys.
It's like real life now.
Look at real life... it's-it's
a snake pit out there.
Yeah, okay, but we're
talking superheroes here,
not the real world.
Well, yeah, but modern superheroes
reflect our modern world.
I mean, let's face it, these
are scary and confusing times.
MIKE: Exactly. And the darker
the hero, the darker the villain.
And today's villains, youch.
They'll crush a butterfly,
eat it like that,
kill women, children.
They don't care. It almost makes them...
a bit more interesting.
Ah. And there you have it, the
viewpoint of Mr. Mike Baxter.
Uh, can I say something?
Mr. Baxter, you...
are full of crap.
What?
Yeah, that's right, I said "crap".
And I'm not gonna sit
here and listen to you.
You know why? Because it's crap.
All right, I'm leaving,
because I, for one, do
not like conflict!
KRISTIN: Is it a good idea
for us to go out again?
What if this place
is as bad as the place
where Trevor works?
Oh, it is. We're going back to
the place where Trevor works.
Uh, why don't we just eat lunch in Hell?
Because he was horrible,
and we are going to pay him back.
Ladies! We're ready!
(LAUGHS)
KRISTIN: What?
What is this?
Oh, you know, just three pregnant women
going to lunch and glowing.
Look at the size of me.
I feel so...
American.
Oh. After lunch, we should
have a belly-bumping contest.
Hyah!
I love it, I really... I love it,
but why exactly are you guys doing this?
Well, because if Trevor nearly lost it
with one pregnant woman,
oh, he'll definitely lose it with three.
Yeah, and if not...
whack!...
he gets the elbow.
- Chuck.
- Hmm?
Look, I'm looking for Kyle.
Uh, hey, you have eyes on him?
You mean look for him on the monitor?
Everybody wants to talk
like they're on CSI.
No, he is not in the retail
store or in his office.
- What's up?
- I don't know,
I think he's trying to avoid me.
When I find him, I'll let you know why.
Hey, Mikey. How's it going?
Have you seen Kyle?
Oh, yes, yes, he's hiding under my desk.
Ed!
We-we both said we would cover for him.
I know, but I'd like my office back.
Why is he hiding from me?
Everybody hides from
you every now and then.
We stopped asking why.
Kyle, get out here.
KYLE: Uh, Kyle who?
Uh, Anderson?
KYLE: Aw, nuts.
Can we talk for a minute in my office?
Yeah.
I'm sorry, I just needed some legroom.
So... so what's going on?
Oh, nothing. Why do you ask?
Well, maybe 'cause I'm full of crap?
You heard that?
I was sitting right next to you.
So tell me what's going on.
Something. Something huge.
I mean, really, really
huge, but I can't tell you.
You understand that, right?
Sure, I understand. I
mean, why wouldn't I?
You were hiding under a desk.
Listen, if this is work-related
or something like that,
I'm here. I-I will listen.
No, it-it's okay. Really.
- I-I have Mandy that I can talk to.
- Okay, then.
- I mean, actually, she's the one who told me.
- Okay.
Not with words, but she just
came out of the bathroom smiling
and pointing at the stick.
- Are you...
- Oh, wait, did I say "stick"?
I meant pregnancy test. Oh, damn it!
Mandy's pregnant?
Yeah.
I'm conflicted. I-I want
to tell you to get out,
- but I also want to go...
- (LAUGHS)
Wow.
- This is great. This is...
- Yeah.
Becoming a father is the best news ever.
- Thanks. Oh, I'm so happy.
- Yes.
So that's why you
snapped on the podcast.
You heard all the stuff about
snake pit and the heroes,
and-and you just want
to protect that kid.
Exactly, yeah. It's like I want
to cover the baby in bubble wrap.
Yeah. Well, I'm fairly
certain that's illegal,
so let's not do that.
I mean, Mandy and I,
- we are terrified.
- Yeah, this is great.
I mean, there's so
much danger everywhere.
Everything in our apartment is sharp.
Well...
You know?
A-And it's like I don't know what to do.
- No, hey, hey.
- Right? It's like the whole world
was built to threaten my kid.
You can handle this. Trust me.
It'll all change when you see that kid.
You'll stand in front of a
speeding train to protect it.
You really will.
- Thanks, Mr. B.
- Yeah.
Hey, and... and it's still super early,
- so that's why we're not telling anyone.
- Great, great.
Okay. I'll tell Vanessa,
"Don't tell anybody".
Uh, no, you-you can't tell Mrs. B.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yes, I can.
Yeah, it's just... (CHUCKLES)
Come on, it's my wife.
If I don't tell her,
she would literally kill me.
And my wife will literally
kill me if you do.
So it's you or me.
Okay, obviously, you're
more important than me.
- Good.
- But I really need this one.
I can't do this.
Vanessa can read my mind.
I don't have a lead helmet.
Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man.
Want to take a second to thank you all
for making this vlog so popular.
I may record it in
the state of Colorado,
but the Outdoor Man philosophy
is really a state of mind.
Hard to believe how big
our following has gotten.
I guess, like me, most outdoorsmen
just love hunting for the truth.
Of course, it's an election year,
so it's really not in season.
But over 2,000 years ago,
a guy had only 12 followers,
and he said something simple.
"The truth shall set you free".
Those 12 guys retweeted so many times,
Jesus now has over two billion fans.
(CHUCKLES)
Now, that is an influencer.
The only time the truth
doesn't set you free
is when you hold on to it.
This is especially dangerous
if you try to keep a
secret from your wife.
That leaves you with quite a dilemma.
"Dilemma" from "di", meaning "two",
and "lemma" as in "lemma
explain what I meant".
Marriage is just an endless
injection of sodium pentothal.
Lying to your wife is not only immoral,
it's pointless.
Try it, and you'll learn lies
can actually set you free.
Free to pack up your crap
and move into a one-bedroom across town.
Or maybe a nice one-man tent,
on sale all this month at Outdoor Man.
That's the truth. Baxter out.
♪♪
- (LAUGHS)
- Oh, that was so much fun.
Did you see the look on Trevor's face?
Oh, yeah, especially when
Jen asked to see a wine list.
Messing with people is fun.
I'm gonna go take a selfie
and send it to my dad.
No! Wait, no! No, you're not!
Don't do that! No! Hey!
Oh, you guys are the best.
Oh, I'm so lucky
to have such an amazing sister
and mom and...
exchange student.
(CHUCKLES): Honey, oh, that is so sweet,
even if it might be the
pregnancy hormones talking.
Why does it have to be the hormones?
Can't it just be something I feel?!
Okay.
I should probably go.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES)
You're, uh, you're gonna
take that off, right?
Yes. I just...
I like the way I look.
I mean, I always do,
but this is different.
Enjoy it now, because when
you really are pregnant,
there's a lot less standing
and admiring. (CHUCKLES)
- (SNIFFLES)
- Hey.
- Are you crying?
- No.
No. It's just...
Thanks for buying us all lunch, Mom.
You're so generous and beautiful.
You used to make our lunches.
Do you remember that?
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
You're... Are you mocking Kristin?
No. Why does it have
to be about Kristin?
Can't it just be something I feel?!
Oh, my God.
You're pregnant.
I didn't say that, but yes.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, honey! Oh!
You were so worried
this wouldn't happen,
- but I told you it would.
- (CHUCKLES)
Oh! (CHUCKLES) How far along are you?
Um, not this far.
(MOUTHS)
Oh, this is amazing. Oh, I just...
I'm so happy for you and for me, for us.
Your dad is gonna be so excited.
I know. You can't tell him.
Oh, yeah. Good one. Right.
No, no, no, Mom, I'm serious.
We were gonna tell you guys together.
- He's gonna be really hurt if he found out you knew first.
- No.
No, he won't. Oh, no,
wait, you're right.
Yeah, he will. He's a big baby.
Kyle. Kyle, got to relax. Just relax.
If Vanessa goes
searching up in this head,
all she's gonna hear is the
song "Danny Boy" playing.
"Danny Boy". It's a...
It's a... Never mind.
No, and I'm not taking
suggestions for another song.
That's what's playing up there. Goodbye.
♪ Danny boy ♪
♪ The pipes, the pipes ♪
♪ Are calling ♪
♪ From glen to glen and... ♪ Hey.
- You're home.
- Yeah.
You cooked.
Uh, yeah. Uh, yeah, usually do.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Yeah, usually do.
- We should take this to the table.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's a good place to eat.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Uh, how was, uh, how was your day?
- Huh?
- Day?
- Yeah.
Uh...
Normal.
How was your day?
Super normal.
Just, um, you know, normal.
RYAN: Howdy-hoo!
Did you guys hear the great news?
- I didn't hear anything.
- No, nothing. I don't know anything.
What are you talking about?
Uh, because of your guest appearance,
we got a whole host of new
subscribers to the podcast.
- Oh.
- That's why I brought the bubbly.
- MIKE: Yeah. That news. Yeah, yeah.
- Good, good. (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
- Good. Great.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Ry-Ry and Ky-Ky
going cray cray in the hey-hey!
Bubbly dooby doo, doo, doo.
That's what it sounds like to me.
I don't know what you just said.
Uh, anyway, I got to skedaddle.
Just want to drop in, say thank you.
- Ta-ta, Mi-Mi.
- MIKE: Good, good.
Well, we should eat.
- Yes, right here. Good. Yeah.
- Uh, yep.
Oh, yeah.
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
(VANESSA CLEARS THROAT)
MIKE: Mmm.
- That thing with Ryan.
- Oh.
- I know.
- Oh.
Seemed like you were...
Yeah.
- Yeah, so did you.
- Hmm.
Actually, my day...
was great.
Mine, too.
- Want some champagne?
- (LAUGHS) You read my mind.
The other day, when I was hiding
- underneath your desk...
- Mm-hmm.
... I found a nickel,
and just out of habit,
- I put it in my pocket.
- Mm-hmm.
I have just felt sick about it.
Well, thank you, Kyle.
I've been looking for that.
Hey, hey, Kyle? Uh,
why were you hiding
from Mike the other day?
I can't talk about it,
so please don't ask me any questions.
- Okay. Okay.
- Right.
It's just I can't get into it.
Okay.
But don't worry, it's not a bad thing.
All right.
'Cause, actually, it's a good thing.
I mean, really good.
Scary, a little bit, but good.
And not, like, "scary movie" scary.
- Just, like, "big life stuff" way scary, you know?
- Ah.
But that's all I'm gonna say.
For now.
Eventually, you'll know.
It'll be obvious.
So obvious.
(MOUTHS)
But that's all I can say,
so please, if you can respect that.
I bet it's a boy.
(CHICKEN CLUCKS)