Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 19 - The Big LeBaxter - full transcript

"So,

on behalf of the Denver Campsite Girls,

please accept these cookies,

along with our endorsement
for State Assembly".

Well, that is so nice.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hi.

- Oh, wow, that's a lot of cookies.
- Yeah.

Good thing I brought home a diary cow.

The, uh, the Campsite Girls endorsed me.

Congratulations. Uh, well,
speaking of endorsements,



- what about the teachers union?
- Should be any day now.

Yeah. So, uh, so how was bowling?

- Oh, it was super awesome.
- Mm-hmm.

I think we might win the
church tournament this year.

Oh, babe, you always have so
much fun when we go bowling.

You know who didn't
have any fun? The pins.

They just stood there.

Okay, excuse me.

I bowled a 150.

Wow, that's the best you've ever done.

Over three games.

Wow, that's the best you've ever done.

All right, well, we got to go.

Thank you for the ride, Dad.



Oh, you mind if we, um... ?

Yeah, help yourself, go ahead.

Not the Ginger Bunnies!

Well, looks like it's gonna be

another embarrassing
year for Team Baxter.

Oh, yeah, who cares?

It's a church fundraiser.
Why do you have

to make everything so competitive?

Because losing is like death.

You know, when the girls were little,

we did these tournaments just for fun.

But then once they got
good and started winning,

you forgot about fun.

Are you saying Mandy's a good bowler?

Hell yeah.

She's got the wingspan of a pterodactyl.

Literally, when she lets that ball go,

she's already at the pins.

I'll have to challenge her

- to a game sometime.
- Yep.

You bowl?

Oh, yeah.

And I'm really, really good.

I love the sound when I get a strike.

It's like an explosion.

Yeah.

How many times during a match
do you get that explosion?

Hmm, eight or nine.

- God, I miss it.
- Yeah.

No, Mike.

Yes, Vanessa.

You already have Kyle on the team.

There's a mechanical horse
out front of the bowling alley.

I'll give him some
quarters. He'll be happy.

No!

Hey, Paul, got a minute to talk?

Well, I was praying, but you're here,

so that didn't work.

Listen, that was a great service today.

You know, I missed Alice, though,
on the organ, you know?

She really jams on "Amazing Grace", huh?

Yeah.

Poor thing had to have
carpal tunnel surgery.

Oh, yeah, I heard about that.

And with the bowling
tournament coming up,

she won't be able to bowl.

Heck, heck, heck.

And she's your top scorer.

Heckity-heck, heck.

That was a fun skit,
Mike. What do you want?

I don't want anything.
I-I'm here to help.

Listen, if you need an extra player,

I'm willing to let Kyle go.

Well, I've seen Kyle
bowl, and as a pastor,

I know I'm not supposed
to pass judgement,

but he sucks.

Wasn't the sermon today

about how the congregation
is just one big family?

I thought you were napping.

I dip in and out.

But since he's joining the ministry,

he's actually part of the church family.

You know, Mike, Jesus
hung out with the lepers

and the prostitutes, but
nobody likes a bad bowler.

Yeah, but Jesus never
got a chance to bowl.

I mean, they won't rent you shoes

if you're not wearing socks.

- Oh, hey, Mr. B.
- Hey.

- Rev P.
- Hey, Kyle.

I'm just returning the
Sunday school books.

You know, Kyle, we were
just talking about you,

and how important you've
become to the church family.

And you are.

But not near as important as
you are to the Baxter family.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm
just saying that, you know,

with the bowling tournament
coming up, if... if the reverend

needs you on the church team,
I'm not gonna stand in your way.

Oh, I can't let you do that, Mike.

How would it look if you're more

self-sacrificing than your pastor?

It would look like the pastor's sermons

have hit their mark.

That's something to pray on.

Yeah, but, uh...

Would you look at that.

Mike and I fighting over
who gets you on their team.

Yeah, sounds like the loser gets Kyle.

Okay, I'm gonna tell you the truth.

As a bowler, you're terrible.

Yeah, you know, it's not news to me...

but it still hurts to hear.

But as a person,

I can't think of anybody
I'd rather have on my team.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, I won't let you down, Reverend.

Oh, it's not me.

God's the captain of our team.

No pressure.

Hey, did you guys see this?

Uh, there's a prison
break in Cañon City.

"Prison Break in Cañon City"?

That's my favorite song by Johnny Cash.

Yeah, I guess the guy was from Denver.

They think he might be headed this way.

Oh. I don't think we have
anything to worry about.

It says here this guy
is nonviolent and 85.

- Ooh. 85?
- Huh.

Maybe it wasn't an escape.
Maybe he just wandered away.

Yeah.

He's not on the run.
He's more on the shuffle.

They had to call out
the FBI and the AARP.

You know... you two are hilarious.

You should get a podcast
that no one listens to.

What was that? Is he mad?

No, no. When he's mad,
he slams the door.

Okay.

- Hey.
- Hey, Mike.

Uh, I was told Kyle was up here.

I wanted to give him his bowling shirt.

He told me you put him on the team.

You're a better man than I.

Well, what can I say?

It was a low bar.

Why, uh... why do you have two shirts?

Oh, well, with Alice
recovering from her surgery,

her husband decided he didn't
want to bowl without her.

You know, they're one of those couples

likes to do everything together.

Gross.

Yeah, so a second spot on
the church team opened up,

and luckily I know another couple

who insists on doing
everything together.

Oh, no, you didn't.

Oh, yes, I did.

You took my pterodactyl?

Hey, Dad. You hear I got drafted?

You-you can't. Y-You're on Team Baxter.

You know, the people that didn't
leave you at the Grand Canyon

that year you were being
such a pain in the ass?

Yeah, I know, I know,

but when Kyle joined the
church team, I had to join.

A wife can't be compelled
to bowl against her husband.

It is the law.

I'm a Holy Bowler.

- I picked the name.
- Yeah.

It's gonna look good on a trophy.

I'll see you, Mike.

So, all this time

I've been trying to make
friends with the wrong guy.

Hey there.

You remember, me, Mike
Baxter, from the '80s, right?

"And I promise to uphold
the standards and ideals

of this august body".

I'm preparing a statement for when

the teachers union gives me
their endorsement tomorrow.

Well, aren't we the confident one?

Well, you know, Mike, I'm
a single-issue candidate.

If I can't get the teachers,
my other speech is, "Buh-bye".

Well, I got you something
all the teachers I know love:

booze.

- Fancy.
- Yeah.

Wow, what's the occasion?

Well, a husband doesn't
need any occasion

to give his wife a
little treasure like that.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean "occasion".
I meant, "What do you want?"

Why does everybody
think I want something

just because I'm being nice?

Because you need a reason.

So this doesn't have anything to do

with Mandy switching from
Team Baxter to Team Jesus?

Uh, y-you heard about that, huh?

Uh, yeah, yeah. You know,
thanks for the wine,

but I am not bowling for your team.

Give me one good reason.

You're a crazy person when
it comes to competition.

All you care about is winning.

There's no fun in it.

Wow. You really had
those ready, didn't you?

Well, there's nothing
wrong with winning.

You wanted to win the
state assembly, right?

Yeah, which is why I don't
need another thing on my plate

- that feels like life and death, okay?
- This isn't gonna be

life and death. This is
gonna be fun, fun, fun.

- Really?
- Yes.

I mean, it could be
fun, fun, fun... fun.

Ah, what do I have to
do to get you to do this?

You could say, "It doesn't matter..."

- Uh-huh.
- "... if we win or lose".

Okay. Okay.

You have to say it.

Oh. It doesn't...

It doesn't matter...

blah... if we...

What?!

Eh, it doesn't matter if we... l-l-lose,

lo...

Lose, lose, lose. You happy?

Yeah. Now, that was fun, fun, fun.

Hey, you guys. So, uh, Mike,

Kris tells me you need some bowlers.

Reporting for duty.

I didn't know you bowled.

Yeah, growing up in Canada,

I was on the high school curling team.

Pretty sure it's the same skill set.

No, Mr. Maple Leaf, it's not.

Sliding a teakettle filled with concrete

across a frozen lake is not
even in the same ballpark.

You need bowlers for Team Baxter.

- Yeah.
- It's a family tournament. I'm family.

- What's the problem?
- I don't want to take a chance

on somebody who's never bowled before.

Oh, really? And why is that?

Uh, because winning is the
only thing that matters?

No. No, it has nothing
to do with winning.

It's not winning. This is more...

more of a... a-a safety issue.

Okay, how about this?

A bowl-off between Jen and me.

Winner joins Team Baxter.

Jen, Jen, are you really a good bowler?

I'm a great bowler.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right, little bowl-off.

Winner on Team Baxter.

Not that winning is everything.
The important thing...

that we only have...

I can't believe they still haven't found

that old guy who escaped.

They should set up a roadblock

around every early bird special in town.

Hey, what's the matter?
You looking for Ed?

No, I'm just afraid we hurt his feelings

because of all the old jokes.

No, no, no, no. Ed's got a thick skin.

And a dancer's body.

I think about Ed too much.

He's got to see the humor
in the situation, right?

- Mm.
- I mean, they're gonna have to

chase this guy down on his walker.

They might have to shoot out
one of his tennis balls.

- Maybe we should start a podcast.
- Yeah.

Morning, Ed.

Morning there, Ed.

I can't hear you because I'm old.

Hardy-har-har-har.

Ed, none of that stuff was personal.

We weren't talking about you.

I get it. Jokes are jokes,
and old men are funny.

Well, not as funny as old ladies.

Rapping old ladies are really funny.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, give me a beat.

Oh, yeah, okay.

♪ My name is Gladys
and I'm here to say ♪

♪ I'm the rapping-est
grandma in the U.S.A. ♪

I'm married to your grandmother.

I'm sure she'd find

your insulting little ditty hilarious.

His name is Ed, and I'm sad to say

he's really pissed at us today.

Okay, one game. That's ten frames.

Winner joins Team Baxter.

Loser is gonna be Ryan.

So, you guys have bowling shoes?

Thanks, but I, uh,
brought my curling flats.

- Hmm.
- Teflon sole,

detachable grip slider, Velcro laces.

So, uh, yeah, I think I'm good.

All right. Wipe the floor with him.

You got it.

I feel very confident in my ability.

Although, the lanes seem a
lot longer than I expected.

Kind of an odd thing to say

for somebody who's a great bowler.

Actually, an odd thing
to say for any bowler.

Oh, no, no, no. I've bowled a ton.

This is just my first time in
a non-virtual bowling alley.

So, you've only played bowling online?

You've never played real
bowling? I mean, I...

- Mm-hmm.
- I play Madden football.

Doesn't mean I could quarterback
for the New York Jets.

Actually, I probably
could quarterback for...

Fighter pilots learn to
fly on flight simulators.

It's the same thing.

Holy... ball!

Why is it so heavy?

Listen, Ryan, I can't
believe I'm saying this,

but I'm relying on you.

All right, you want me to go first?

Show everybody how it's done?

Yeah, you go first. I'm not ready.

They're all heavy?

For the love of God, somebody bowl.

What are you doing?

I don't know. The environment's off.

I mean, can they make it colder in here?

It's physics.

I just need to pivot far enough back

so that gravity is...

I've never been happier
seeing you in my life.

Please show these guys how to bowl.

Restore my faith in humanity.

No, I think I'm just
gonna watch tonight.

You definitely don't want to watch this.

I don't really feel
like bowling right now.

What's the matter?

I heard from the teachers union.

Um, didn't get the endorsement.

Damn it. Damn it.

Well, uh, you know,
it's-it's not a big deal.

- Yeah, it is.
- Um...

Campaign's over, honey.

I-I'll see you at home.

Honey, listen, listen. Wait
a minute. Wait a minute.

- Wait a minute.
- I hit a pin!

That's good. Except
it's in the wrong lane.

- Hey, babe.
- Hi.

How you doing?

Fine. Fine. I am, uh...

I'm just writing my concession speech,

but autocorrect keeps changing
everything into "duck".

You know, I thought I was
gonna get the sad Vanessa.

I got the mad Vanessa.

Look, I-I just can't believe
they picked Theresa Osgood.

I mean, she stole my ideas.
She wasn't even talking

- about education until I came along.
- Right.

- You have every reason to be mad at Theresa.
- No. You know what?

No. No, I'm not mad at her.

I am... I am mad at myself.

Look, I-I didn't get
into this thing to win.

It-it was supposed to be about my ideas,

and now suddenly I turned into you.

Let's try to remember

we're mad at Theresa.

Look, I accomplished my goal.

Education is being talked
about by the front-runner.

Why isn't that enough?

Because we all want to
win. It's in our nature.

You know, I-I ran three yellow lights

and cut through a gas station
to see if I could beat you home.

You know what? It's-it's just amazing

how easy it is to be seduced by winning,

and you-you lose sight of
what's really important.

You know what? I...

I'm gonna call Theresa Osgood
and offer her my support.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I support the teachers,

and-and they support her.

Yeah, just 'cause you're
out of the race doesn't mean

- your ideas have to be.
- Yeah.

I mean, I'm doing the right thing.

So why don't I feel better?

Honey, honey.

If it helps, I'm proud of you.

You're doing something I would never do.

Oh, God.

It's a lot of work to be good.

Why so easy being bad?

That's probably a good
question for the reverend.

Mm.

He's a bad person.

We're sorry if we offended
you the other day.

You know, we didn't think that
making fun of some old convict

would hurt your feelings.

Oh, really? You didn't think
mocking an older gentleman

would ruffle my feathers, huh?

No, because we don't
think of you as old.

Or a lot.

I personally think of you
an appropriate amount.

Well, the truth of
the matter is I am old,

and it's no picnic.

We're the last group that
it's safe to make fun of.

Y-You have no idea how hard it is

to be old in America, do you?

You have my condolences.

- Anyway, uh, we did a little research.
- Mm-hmm.

Turns out Bill Connelly...
uh, th-that's the convict...

turns out he's a pretty impressive guy.

Yeah, this is his third escape.

His first one was when he was 72.

He didn't even start a life of crime

until he was 65.

What we're trying to say is that
you can be a badass at any age.

I know he's a criminal,

but I can't help but admire the guy.

I wish him well.

And actually, his crimes
aren't all that bad.

He's more of a... a Robin Hood type.

Uh-huh, meaning what? What, what?

Um, he only stole from the very rich.

Pardon me?

It turns out he didn't
even need the money.

- He was just doing it for fun.
- Yeah.

It's fun to steal from the rich?

Well, in that case,

I hope the old geezer breaks a hip,

chokes on a butterscotch
and goes straight to hell.

Hey, hey.

Saw your team warming up.

Listen, you don't need
to go to church tomorrow,

'cause tonight, my team's
gonna bowl the sin out of you.

You can use substitutes for curse words,

but I know what you mean,
and bless your little heart.

Uh, Reverend.

Hey, uh, don't split,

because I am not going to spare you.

Those are pretty good puns, actually.

You know, you must be feeling better

or you finished that wine I gave you.

No, no, I called Theresa Osgood,

and she admitted that
she stole my ideas.

Well, bless her little heart.

Yeah. When I talked to her,

she said that since I know them better,

you know, because they're mine,

uh, that if she wins,

- uh, she will make me her education liaison.
- All right.

- So, just... Let's be clear here.
- Yeah.

She stole your ideas,

but we still get to keep the cookies.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Now I'm ready for some fun.

Well, I hope you don't mean bowling,

'cause Team Baxter
already has four players.

"Kristin, Jen, Ryan, Vanessa".

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

There's no Mike Baxter on Team Baxter?

Well, you know, this
bowling used to be fun,

and I think it should be fun again.

- Huh?
- Mike.

Oh.

Wow.

Hey. Ryan, wow. Love your shoes.

Oh, thanks. They're curling flats.

Yeah, I brought the broom, too,
but probably not gonna use it.

Hey, Mr. B?

Can I have another quarter?

All right.

Why don't you take the whole roll.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man,

talking about winners and losers...

not to be confused with right and wrong.

Now, would it be nice
if doing the right thing

and winning was always...
went hand in hand?

It would also be nice if
ice cream got you ripped.

But I know you're winners.
You know how I know?

Because you're listening to me.

Sometimes, we can spot
a winner pretty quickly,

like in 40 seconds
if it's Conor McGregor

coming at you across The Octagon.

Look out, Cowboy.

Or sometimes,

we might need overtime to crown a champ.

And sometimes, we'll
never find out who won.

Welcome to Iowa caucus.

"Uh, I forgot how to count".

You know, they say history
is written by the winners,

but it's really written by historians.

And before we call them winners,

one of them should have to
go out and get a girlfriend.

Speaking of history,

Roman philosopher Seneca once said,

"Admire those who attempt great things

even though they fail".

Another philosopher,

Green Bay Packer Vince Lombardi,
said, "Show me a good loser,

and I'll show you a loser".

Hmm. Seneca won more debates,

but Lombardi won more championships.

Now, sometimes, as Americans,

our obsession with winning and losing

can make us lose sight
of what's right and wrong.

I'm talking to you, Houston Astros.

As Marcus Aurelius said,

"If it's not right, don't do it.

If it's not true, don't say it".

And that, my friends, is the truth.

Just saying. Baxter out.