Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 18 - Garage Band - full transcript

So they claim this new
cat litter is better,

so I thought I'd do a
little blind pee test.

And they were right.

But I thought, you know,
the next time I do this test,

I'm gonna use the cat's urine.

You know, speaking of
urine, you're an idiot.

Chuck, I'll tell you, your team
did a great job on the interior.

- It looks great.
- Thanks, man.

I don't want to toot my own horn, but...

Pretty sweet.

You know, my girlfriend drove a
Plymouth Barracuda back in 1970.



That's weird. How can a woman
have such great taste in cars

and such lousy taste in men?

Burn!

Gee, I wonder what Vanessa drives.

Ooh! Return burn.

What, are you keeping score?

Quit being Switzerland. Pick a side.

Oh, these zingers are good.

I got to remember to tell some of these

to my mom when she's sober.

- How's it going, gentlemen?
- Looking good.

One or two more days,
I think she's done.

Beautiful, beautiful. I
mean, it looks magnificent.

- Mm-hmm.
- Makes me feel like I'm back in the '70s.



- Yeah?
- All that's missing is my Afro.

Is it really an Afro if
it's on a Spanish guy?

Oh. All right, I have
very exciting news.

I have our next restoration.

Ooh, please, '68 Charger, '68 Charger.

I'll take any early-'60s muscle car.

- Mm-hmm. It's better than that.
- All right.

It's a 1970 Plymouth Barracuda.

This exact car again?

That's three Barracuda in a row.

That's strange even in the ocean.

Okay, hold on, hold on. Hold on.

It's a different color, all right? Okay.

Uh, it's the same color.

This is probably weird coming out of me,

but I'm worried about
our lack of diversity.

Come on, man, I want to
do something different.

Enough with the Barracudas.

I agree. But the preferred
plural of Barracuda

is Barracuda, not Barracudas.

Do you actually know that?

And yet, ten minutes ago, you asked me

how many inches were in a quart.

So, what is it with all the Barracuda?

Our last client is a member
of the Barracuda Owners Club.

Now, everybody loved what
you did, so naturally,

they want theirs restored, too.

Yeah, but it's the same car.

I want to do something
different. I want a challenge.

- You want a challenge?
- Yeah.

How about refilling the
coffee pot after you're done?

You know, maybe if our
company is more well known,

we could be more picky
about our choices.

One of my best friends
owns Motor Masters.

He said he'll do an article on us,

but I thought you guys
wanted to keep this a hobby.

Yeah, we did, but, uh, maybe
it's time we kick it up a notch.

Uh, yeah, yeah, like, you know,
I have my two tabby cats.

And I was happy, but
then... then I wanted more.

And I said, "Joe, you deserve it".

So I got myself a hairless Egyptian.

Mother of God, I hope that's a cat.

We're one phone call away from
getting all over the Internet.

Yeah, but you'll make
it all about yourself.

You know, hey,

"Mike Baxter here for car restoration,

talking about how to steal credit".

Hey, Gladys, I don't want
to be one of your Pips, okay?

All right, we'll just wait for a call

from somebody who
admires one of you guys.

Oh, wait a minute.

Okay, now,

that's not fair.

Mike Baxter has always
been very generous

about sharing the spotlight.

Oh, yeah? When the Denver
Stand wanted to do a story

about Outdoor Man, they called Baxter

"the heart, soul and
face of the company".

That does not bother me at all.

You do hog the limelight,
you greedy son of a bitch.

Okay, what if there was
a way I could promise

to subdue my natural charisma

so the article wouldn't
be just about me? Deal?

- Yeah.
- Well, that's okay, I guess.

- Yeah?
- All right.

And then, all of us try to
visualize this man in a 'fro.

How'd I do on the test? Great, I bet.

I always do well on
tests. Tell me, tell me.

No, Jen, it's not a test.
It's a psychological profile

on how people perceive the
world and make decisions.

There's no right or wrong.

- Okay, Mrs. B.
- Yeah, what? What?

- What?
- You are open and kind.

Ah...

I knew it! Yeah!

You follow that, Princess Perfect.

Wow.

Open, kind and really bad at trash talk.

Okay, Jen, your answers
suggest you are extroverted

and a great thinker.

Okay. Seems odd they're
ignoring my artistic nature.

Ooh, okay, do mine. Unless it's bad.

Nod your head if it's bad.

Okay, uh, Mandy, you...

skipped a lot of questions.

Well, I mean, it worked
on my driver's test.

Oh, you know what? It worked here, too,

'cause it also says you're
super cute and a love bunny.

It does?

- Hey, Mrs. B. Mwah.
- Hey. Hi. Hey.

I brought back your casserole dish.

The pregnant wife said,
uh, "Keep 'em coming".

- Okay.
- What's up, gang?

We're doing a psych
questionnaire for Kyle's class.

Oh, a psych test? All
right, bring it on.

Yeah, give it him. Give it to him.

And just so you know,
the high score so far

is "open and kind".

- Okay, you ready?
- Yeah.

All right, agree or disagree?

"Others would describe me
as easygoing and flexible".

Easy. Obviously. Next.

Okay, uh, "I seek feedback
from others, even if negative".

Big agree. Best way to learn.

What?

Are you hearing all the words?

Uh, yeah. Keep going.

Uh, o-okay. Uh, "I get upset

when things don't go as planned".

Disagree.

Ry-Ry rolls with the punches.

Wow.

Uh, okay, what's the problem?

Uh, it's just, I-I mean,
does this sound like you?

Yeah, you are making
yourself seem awfully chill.

Uh, I am chill, okay? I'm also
too busy to be put on trial,

so I'm going to work.

You know what, maybe I'll be
on time, and maybe I'll be late.

Either way, it's all good.

- Okay, the article's up.
- Oh, oh, really? Oh, man.

- Yeah.
- Already? You really are a marketing genius.

Yeah, I think it's time
we retire that word,

move on to "icon" or "legend".

Oh, look at that!

I'm on the homepage of Motor Masters.

Yeah.

Who's the loser now, Jarrod Murray?

Yeah. Who is Jarrod Murray?

Eh, he was my fifth-grade bully.

Also, sixth and seventh,
and most of high school.

Oh, oh, oh. "Immaculate dashboard work

- done by Chuck Larabee, Interior Man".
- Yeah.

Interior Man!

- Man, that sounds like a superhero or something.
- Yeah.

Pretty crappy article, huh?

- What?
- What are you talking about?

Did you read it? We came off great.

Yeah, you guys did.

See how many mentions each of us got?

Chuck Larabee, 18. Mike Baxter, 15.

Joe Leonard, two.

Oh, I'm sorry, one. Joe
"Leopard" got the other one.

Man, come on, Joe, we're a team, man.

Oh, are we, Interior Man?

Hey, you got your own nickname.

Joe Leopard.

Oh, I know how this went
down. Baxter told the reporter

about his little buddy Chuck.

And me, I'm just an afterthought.

I'm sick of getting burned, okay?

If anybody cares, I'll
be down in the garage,

underground and underappreciated.

I don't think he read
it. He'd be really upset.

Actually, it says "Joe Leper".

Hey, Joe, hand me my
beer, would you, man?

Yeah, sure, Chuck. Whatever
you need. Here you go.

Hey, how about you,
Baxter? Need a shoeshine?

'Cause I'm just "Two Mention
Joe" at your service.

Come on, Joe, we're all equals here.

I just happen to have
1,000 followers now.

And my dry cleaner put up
a picture of Interior Man.

And I'm on that big Outdoor
Man billboard on I-70, you know?

A lot of people are
having fender benders

looking at my image...
it's almost humbling.

So, yeah, I guess, you
know, we're not all equals.

No, this is unbelievable.
I feel like Howie

from the Backstreet Boys.

Who?

Exactly.

Okay, gather round, children.

Papa Ed is here.

Even he's got a nickname.

A nickname that no one
will ever use, okay?

- What do you got for us?
- Okay. Good news.

- The article worked.
- All right. Excellent.

Okay, we got two cars looking to get in.

We got a... got a '64 GTO, all right?

And we have a '65...
oh, Corvette Stingray.

I love Corvette Stingrays.
I-I say let's do that one.

Hang on. I vote the GTO.

Well, wait a minute.

I like them both, but the
GTO will piss you off, right?

So I'm going with that.

Yes.

Got it? I'll go set it up.

Papa Ed out.

Is this what this has come to?
This used to be a democracy.

Now it's a you-guys-ocracy.

No, two guys out of three voted for it.

That is a democracy.

Not in my America.

Hey, hey. Come on, come on, Joe.

- We'll-we'll do the Stingray next.
- No, no.

No, I don't need your pity.

Oh, I can get that on my own.

Damn. He seemed pretty upset.

I don't think he's coming back.

Yeah? How do you know that?

He took his doughnut.

- Three words.
- Uh, yeah. Uh...

It's a movie.

- A Dog's Life!
- Yeah!

No, no, no! Hey, no!

No, you can't talk in charades.

Uh, that was a bark.

Dogs can't talk.

Ooh, you guys are catching
up. Now it's 35 to one.

- Hello, guys.
- Oh, hey.

- Hey.
- Wow. What a nice surprise.

Wait, so you didn't know I was coming?

Does that mean that
there's no casserole?

You guys all know my wife Kristin.

Uh, yes, we have met.

Kristin probably knows me
better than anyone in the world.

Is this about that test?

There's definitely no casserole.

Okay... babe, when you
came home the other night

and you told me that
there was a dent on my car,

what did I say?

I don't know, you said,
uh, "We'll get it fixed".

We'll get it fixed!

Huh. Pretty darn chill.

Ooh, that's my laundry.
I'll be right back.

Although I am loving this.

Uh, Ryan, we weren't
trying to hurt your feelings

- the other night.
- No, no, no, no, no, no. I know. I, uh...

I just think of myself as easygoing.

And I need you to think
of me that way, too.

And I need you to think of
me as a tall Swedish woman.

Not gonna happen.

Yeah, dude, we're all good.

All right. Thank you.

Okay, well, we'll be going.

Just pretend we weren't here.

- We're getting a casserole on the way home.
- Okay.

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

I think I ruined your
Toxic Titans T-shirt.

Oh, no.

It's just a shirt.

It's Ryan's.

Oh, no!

That's my shirt?

Oh, my God, this is a collector's item!

Oh, I'm gonna throw up.

Oh, is-is he gonna be all right?

Yeah, yeah, he'll be
fine. He's super chill.

Oh, you hear that?

I don't hear anything.

That's right. You know
what you don't hear?

Joe yapping about how little hair

his Egyptian has on it.

Yeah. And, uh, there's plenty
of doughnuts to go around,

and none of them have been pre-licked.

Yeah, this is great. Yeah.

Man, I can't thread this plug.

Must be something wrong with it.

I bet there's nothing
wrong with the plug.

- You know what I bet the problem is?
- Hmm?

Those big sausage fingers of yours.

Hey, man, that-that was kind of hurtful.

It was a joke.

Fat-shaming my digits.

Not cool.

It's kind of quiet in here.

Why don't we put on some music?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Last week, you played Jethro Tull.

You know what does not
belong in rock and roll?

A flute.

Sorry if I don't want to
work on a muscle car to Adele.

Hilarious burn.

I'm gonna get a beer.

Yeah? Why don't you go tell your mama?

Man, don't talk about my mama.

- I'm making a stupid joke.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, you were talking about my mama.

How come this trash talk
was fun when Joe was here?

To be honest with you,
because ball busting's a science.

- Ah.
- It takes at least three people.

Oh, is that the rule?

With two people, you
just pick on each other.

With three, it becomes a sadistic,

horrible, fun game.

Gentlemen, I am stepping out.

Bonnie and I are taking a
watercolor class tonight.

- By my count, we now have three people.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, Ed, you might want to
make sure you put your smock on

and cover up that sun dress.

Oh, burn!

Oh, oh, and if there's
any paint left over,

maybe you and Bonnie can
do each other's nails.

That's two burns

for the price of one.

Let me tell you jokers something.

Expressing your inner life through art

is nothing short of transcendent.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I
don't want to get there late

and have to park in the alley.

That's where the bums urinate.

I guess the game doesn't
work with just anybody.

Face it, we need Joe.

Yeah, why don't you go tell your mama.

What was that?

I was just saying how... how much I...

I miss Obama.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man,

talking about chemistry.

No, it's not just about lighting methane

and hydrogen sulfide
and shooting a blue angel

from your nether regions.

Man, I miss college.

It also happens when a bunch
of people work well together.

Like the cast of Love Boat.

That episode with Captain Stubing's dad?

If you didn't cry watching
that, I don't want to know you.

British rock band The
Who had great chemistry.

Peter Townshend, Roger
Daltrey, John Entwistle...

and their wild man on drums, Keith Moon.

Do you know how much it takes

to be a crazy one in a rock band?

Moon the Loon, as they called him.

Had a way of pushing their buttons.

He also pushed them
to rock and roll glory.

Now, legend has it that it
was right after Keith said,

"Hey, pull my finger",
that Townshend wrote

"Won't Get Fooled Again".

Once Keith was gone,
it just wasn't the same.

That's the thing about chemistry, folks.

You need all the elements
to make a perfect compound.

Two hydrogen molecules can't do squat

until an oxygen molecule
turns them into water.

And then they ruin a baseball game.

So don't take the little
things for granted.

Whether it's an atom or one
of these hand-tied lures.

Right? Which we have on sale
all this week at Outdoor Man.

Because if you only
got a rod and a line,

you're just a weird guy with a stick.

Baxter out.

- Hey, Ryan.
- Hey.

Hello.

Slow day, huh?

No stoners?

They don't like to be called stoners.

Uh, "blunt buddies"?

"Spliff jockeys"? "Bong pirates"?

They're just people, Kyle.

People don't like labels.

See, he's still mad.

Mad? No, I'm not mad.

I'd hug you, but it's flu season.

All right, give him the gift.

Okay, so we found this
at a vintage shop in LoDo.

It's just like the one I ruined.

You guys didn't have to do that.

We wanted to. We felt bad.

Now I feel bad.

I may have overreacted the other day,

like I do with everything
else in my life. I suck!

No, you don't.

Yeah, I do. I'm uptight.
I don't let things go.

I know it drives you guys crazy.

It doesn't.

Yeah, right.

Ryan, we love every odd,
wonderful, weird thing you do.

Really? So, when we
go out to restaurants,

I have to check all the tables first,
that doesn't bother you?

Have we ever sat at a wobbly table?

Uh, we have not. Thank you, Ryan.

Okay, and when we went to
the Natural History Museum

and I took over for the
tour guide, not annoying?

No. She knew nothing about the Ice Age.

But she sure did four hours later.

Again, thank you, Ryan.

So, you don't mind that I'm not chill?

No. We appreciate it.

When you worry about
stuff, we don't have to.

We get to enjoy life because you don't.

Thanks.

And the shirt is great.

You know, even if it is different.

What do you mean, different?

Uh, it-it's not a big deal.

I mean, Fire Falcon has
11 feathers on his tail,

and this one only has
ten, so it's not...

You know, actually, you know what?

It's totally fine. I love it. Thank you.

You're welcome.

See you.

Told you he'd notice.

So, you summoned me?

Thanks for coming up, Joe.

Not like I had any choice,
okay? You're the boss.

You say, "Jump", I
say, "Off what cliff?"

Actually, the correct
response is the closest one.

You know, I didn't just
quit the car group, okay?

- I quit this.
- Okay, stop.

I know that you're upset,

so that's why I wanted to talk to you.

I'm listening.

Okay, this may come as a shock to you

and something I try to
hide, but I genuinely

do not like you.

- Hey!
- Not a fan.

Geez, Baxter, is that
supposed to be an apology?

No. I just wanted to
get that out of the way

before I tell you that
I do appreciate you.

Go on.

I want you around in the limited context

of working with Chuck.

- So you like me.
- No.

That's not what it is.

I appreciate you. Okay?

Like, uh, I don't like root canals,

but I appreciate their value.

Well, you're the shy one, aren't you?

I like you, too.

No, no, I tolerate you

on certain specific occasions.

What's this, Valentine's Day?

You keep gushing, and I'm
gonna have to call HR, okay?

We're done. Get out.

No, you know something?
You know something?

- You're-you're like my hairless Egyptian, okay?
- Stop it!

No, no.

You know, keeps her distance,
doesn't like to cuddle,

but every now and then,
she gives me that look,

and I know we have an unbreakable bond.

You know, all your
cats would abandon you

if you left the door open.

Look, I'll come back
on one condition, okay?

I want a nickname.

I got a nickname for you.

I want to pick it so it's cool.

Done. Except I want veto power.

- Look, I keep everything running around here.
- Right.

So I want to be "the Gas Man".

I'll never call you anything else, Joe.

Oh, okay.

Uh, a movie, a movie.

Two words.

Okay, first word.

- Ooh, it's small.
- "The".

Second word.

Ooh, fingers. No, thumbs.

- Finger Thumbs.
- The Finger Thumbs.

Finger Thumbs the Movie.

Ah, no, Finger Thumbs Two.

Waving. Flapping.

Oh, uh, The Seal.

- An airplane. An airplane.
- The Airplane.

Time.

The Birds!

Alfred Hitchcock. The Birds.

What could this possibly be? The Seals?

Oh, my God. You know, it's cool.

It's cool. It's a game. I'm cool.

Isn't he eventually going to catch on

- what we're doing to him?
- I hope not.

Oh, this is way better than charades.

Okay, the next one is gonna be Airplane!

Make sure we all say The Birds.