Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 17 - Keep the Change - full transcript

When Mike and Vanessa invite Jen's father to her graduation, Jen struggles with accepting his "plus one" - his girlfriend, Fiona. Meanwhile, the Outdoor Man crew debate over which word was ...

What are you doing
up here in Eve's room?

What? I'm just taking some
of this old stuff down.

What? Not the Peyton Manning poster.

I come up here all the
time and look at that.

It just reminds me of a time
when the Broncos didn't suck.

Okay.

Look, Eve doesn't
need this room anymore.

She qualified for the
pilot training program.

It's a ten-year commitment.

And even Air Force pilots don't
need stuffed bears anymore.

Well, we don't have
to change everything.



Oh, honey, you have had a
month to think about this.

That's enough time to grieve.

You know, a lot of people
think you're the emotional one,

but I think you're cold as ice.

We're not using this
room for anything else.

True. True, but, look, I
need it to be different.

Uh, every time I walk by
this room, I burst into tears.

It's-it's like my little
tomboy is-is all grown up,

and now she's a...

- Killing machine.
- What?

A woman. A woman. Look, it...

It just reminds me that this
phase in our lives is over.

Give me Mrs. Huggy Pants.

Mm.



- Oh, hey. Wow, look at that.
- Hi.

You guys are back early.

Well, having Jen help me write the vlogs

- has been very helpful to me.
- Yeah.

- What's in the box?
- Huh? What box?

It's pretty heavy, 'cause
your eyes are twitching.

- Nope.
- So, it must be...

- Mike.
- You're still moving stuff out of Eve's room?

- Come on.
- Can you believe this, Jen?

That you're upset about something?

Yeah, I've seen it before.

Look, Eve is fine with it.

And maybe... maybe we can
use that as a guest room.

Hell no. A guest room?

That means we have to have guests.

We're leaving the room the way it is.

You know, if you don't
like what's in there,

just shut the door, you
won't have to see it.

No. No. Look, I-I just
want to make it comfortable

for Jen's dad for-for graduation week.

You don't need a guest room.

My dad's not coming to graduation.

He's not coming? Since when?

He's so busy, I'd feel
terrible asking him.

- Uh...
- You didn't even ask him?

No. My dad would do anything for me,

and I didn't want to pressure him.

Well, if I were your dad,
I'd want to be here.

Yes. I know that.

It's what makes you awesome.

You're the family who helped
me through high school.

If you're there, that's
all I really need.

We're all she really needs?

So, she's no longer the exchange
student that lives with us.

Now she's a child that we've stolen.

Whoa, hey, hey, Kyle, Kyle.

Kyle, check out this cool
thing my friend sent me.

Oh, uh, we're on the clock, buddy.

If, uh... if it's not work-related,

it's gonna have to wait.

Unless it's something really cool.

You know what? I'll just come over.

It's this audio clip

that's been on the Internet
for the last couple of years.

It's this guy saying this
one word over and over.

Some people think he's saying "Laurel",

and other people think
he's saying "Yanny".

- What?
- No, no, no, no.

I'll play it for you. Here it is.

Laurel. Laurel. Laurel.

Okay. Yeah, he's saying "Laurel".

Well, yeah. No. I hear
"Yanny" clear as a bell.

Is this a prank?

Hey, hey, hey, guys. Yeah,
come-come-come over here.

Tell me what word you hear.

Laurel. Laurel. Laurel.

Ah, this thing?

It's "Laurel", end of story.

Thank you, Kristin.

What? "Laurel"?

Are you nuts? It's saying "Yanny".

Well, hey, let's see what Ed thinks.

- Ed, Ed, what do you hear?
- Yeah.

Laurel. Laurel. Laurel.

Oh. I hear "Get back to work".

I love these Dirty Harry movies.

- Mm.
- "Go ahead. Make my day".

Yeah, a lot of people think
Eastwood came up with that.

Actually, it was me.

Really? You coined the
Dirty Harry catchphrase?

Not just that one.

A lot of times I leave
work, and look at Ed,

and I say, "I'll be back".

And my favorite one of
all time is "More power".

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Uh, Mike, the, uh...
the eagle has landed.

That's another one, "The
Eagle has landed". One of mine.

No, no, no. No, no, no. The,
uh, the eagle has landed.

- Our eagle? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yes.

Can-can I tell her?

- Yeah.
- Tell me what? Wait.

Eagle? Jeep Eagle? You guys got me a car

- for graduation...
- No, no. No, no.

- ... and it's sitting in the driveway?!
- No. No, no, no. No, no. No.

When have we ever done anything

that makes you think
we're that generous?

This surprise is better.

It turns out your father isn't too busy,

so we invited him to the
graduation, and now...

He's here!

What?

Well, not "here" here.
He's-he's at the airport,

probably near one of
those soft pretzel stands.

- Oh, yeah.
- I should call him,

and have him bring some for everybody.

You knew we were awesome,

but did you know we were this awesome?

This is not awesome.

Hey, what's-what's going on?

Is everything okay with your dad?

Oh, yeah. I love my
dad. I want to see him.

Well, good, 'cause he
flew here from Hong Kong.

I don't want to see his girlfriend.

You don't know that he
brought his girlfriend.

- He did, Mike.
- Okay.

Great. Now you guys
get to meet the woman

who wants to replace my mom.

Well...

Well, it's not gonna be easy,

but we're gonna have
to get her a Jeep Eagle.

Hey, Jen.

Tell us about this girlfriend
that you don't like.

I don't want to talk about it.

I hope you can respect that.

Yeah, of course we can.

Yeah, you-you come and
tell us whenever you want.

Like when the big hand is on now.

Honey, we just want to know
what we're dealing with.

You-you never mentioned that
your dad had a girlfriend.

Well, he does.

Fiona.

All right, well, Fiona.
Come on, it's a lovely name.

Not the way she says it.

For years, she and
my dad were "friends",

but when I was home last summer,

my dad told me their
relationship had "progressed".

- Okay...
- I often tell people that, uh,

progress isn't always the best thing,

but people don't listen, because
they're usually on their phones.

They do everything together now.

They got matching
pajamas this Christmas.

Ugh!

Kind of sorry I saw that.

I have to look that guy in
the eye in two hours, it's...

I don't know what he sees in her.

She's nothing like my mother.

My mom was sweet and
kind and thoughtful.

We know, Jen. But, look, it's-it's just

for a couple days. I'm
sure you can handle that.

- I mean, look, she can't be any worse than Mike.
- Ha.

It's not a contest, honey,

but it's good to know I'm the bar.

Hey, babe. Here is your left shoe.

Oh, thank you.

This morning, I put on a
brown one and a black one.

I... I can't see my feet.

So, I heard about this
whole Laurel and Yanny thing.

You know, the reason why
you hear two different things

is because they're recorded
in two different frequencies.

So... which one did you hear?

Kyle? We agreed not to talk about it.

You're right.

All right. Sorry.

Yeah, but maybe he could break the tie.

Yeah. Go ahead, honey. What do you hear?

Yanny.

- You fool!
- Whoo!

Chuck, we finally win!

Isn't this a pretty picture.

My wife and my best friend
both hearing "Yanny".

Come on, Kyle. Let's get
away from these Yannies.

That is so childish.

Oh, yeah? Well, Laurels
rule and Yannies drool!

Yeah, actually, I heard Laurel;

I just wanted to mess with my wife.

Oh, this thing with Jen
just breaks my heart.

You know, I know I didn't
like the idea of my mom

in a new relationship, either.

Is this about Ed?
He's a good stepfather.

Remember the time he held your hand

- and took you to the park?
- No, stop. Stop. No.

No. Look, after my dad died,

there was a new guy
buzzing around my mom...

mowing the lawn, raking the leaves.

He's called a gardener.

You know, look.

Look, i-if you ever wonder why

I sometimes don't share things
with you, remember this moment.

I got a welcome gift for Fiona,
but only because you made me.

- Ooh, rose quartz.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Wow, it's beautiful.
- Good idea.

I think it'll be good
to have in the room.

It's said to calm feelings
of anger or resentment.

Kind of like beer.

The first two, not the last six.

That's, that's just a black
eye and a police report.

Oh, all right.

- Okay.
- Okay. All right, good.

- Pa!
- Ah-mui! Ah.

- Hey, Henry. Welcome.
- Ah. Hi, Henry.

- Oh, thanks for having us.
- Yes.

I wouldn't miss Jen's
graduation for the world.

Uh... oh, you must be Fiona.

Yes, we-we are so glad you could come.

- Oh, nice to meet you all.
- Yeah, Mike Baxter. Welcome.

Told you you were overdressed.

Everywhere we go,
you're like Elton John.

Yeah, look at me.

"Rocket Man".

At least it's not matching pajamas.

Yeah.

I think you look nice, Dad.

Uh, so, well,

- let's not stand by the door all night.
- Yeah.

- Come on into the living room.
- Come on. Come on in, sit down. Sit.

- Okay.
- Oh. What a beautiful home.

- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.

This one's sense of decor
is mid-century bowling alley.

I like our apartment.

So does she.

Not as much as she likes bad jokes.

Oh, it's not a joke.

When you visit, he rents you shoes.

That's funny. That is...

Uh, you know who else is funny?

Say something. Say something.

Okay, okay, all right.
One of my favorite jokes.

- The potato joke.
- No.

Um, so, uh, w-we're so
glad you could be here.

- Uh, h-how was your flight?
- Yeah.

Well, I got a lot of exercise.

- Yeah.
- Up, down, up, down.

I mean, if you're gonna go
to the bathroom every hour,

sit on the aisle.

That's funny. You stick
him in the middle seat,

then complain because
you have to get up.

You could've just switched seats.

Ha, ha, ha. See? I'm being funny, too.

Uh...

Jen, uh, dear, why don't you
come in the kitchen with me,

help me fix some drinks?

I think it's a good
time for the potato joke.

- Two guys are...
- No. No, hey! No, no.

Come, come with us.

I'll stay here and make sure
Henry doesn't steal anything.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Well, the quartz thing didn't work.

Looks like rocks aren't magic.

I told you.

- She's the worst person in the world.
- All right, look,

I-I don't know if she's that bad.

- All she does is put my father down.
- Hey.

That's what couples do. I make
fun of Vanessa all the time.

Yeah, and look, it doesn't bother me.

And you know how you can tell?

I make him dinner, and
yet he's still with us.

I can't believe you both like her.

Look, no, I just met the woman.

Do I want to take a six-hour
car ride with her? No.

Unless it's in a hearse.

You're not helping.

- I didn't say she was in the back.
- Oh, my God.

Sunday is my graduation,

and I don't want her here.

Okay, look, Jen, Jen.

You don't want the memory
of your graduation to be

all about the blowup you had
with your father's girlfriend.

- Okay.
- Good.

Then can I get drunk?

No.

Right?

Okay, hold on, but give me a minute.

Um, then there's Zion,
uh, National Park,

which is gorgeous, beautiful,
certainly worth seeing.

And there you have
all the national parks

in alphabetical order.

Uh, uh, well, you know, I-I love cities.

- Yes. Right.
- So, uh, I like to start with Akron, Ohio.

I-I'd love to hear about it,

but, uh, Fiona and I
are a little jet-lagged.

- Oh, of course.
- Oh. Okay, all right.

Uh, ah-mui, we'll talk tomorrow.

Tomorrow? We didn't
even talk to her tonight.

She's so quiet, this one.

Oh, I can talk. I have a lot to say.

All right, yeah, but they
already said their goodbyes,

so we're just, we're gonna let them go.

And maybe there's a better time for us

to have this conversation, Jen.

It won't take long.

All I have to say is: why?

I-I'll be right back.

Yeah, u-uh...

Uh, did... ?

Uh, Mike, just...

They're not swearing, so
I don't really understand

what they're saying.

I know what they're saying.

Honey, go.

- Tell her the potato joke.
- No, just...

Excuse me, excuse me.

I-I'll first say that
it's-it's a lovely language

when you're arguing like that. It's...

- We weren't arguing.
- Yes, we were.

Well, now you are.

Uh, J-Jen, would you
give us a minute, please?

I want to talk to your
dad for a moment. Please?

Fine. I'm going for a walk.

Don't go far.

- Listen, I...
- Sorry.

She's complaining about Fiona.

She doesn't understand
what I like about her.

Well, I got to be honest,
I kind of wondered

the same thing myself. I just...

Yes, I know, Fiona
has a big personality.

It's just what I needed.

Just, I-I've never really
needed to get my balls busted.

But I-I got to be honest,

I-I don't think this
is just about Fiona.

Eh, I don't, either.

Jen wants things to stay
the way they used to be.

- But they don't.
- No, no.

It's okay for her to go
forward with her life,

but she doesn't want me to move on.

Y-You understand. You have daughters.

Yeah, I've got, uh, two
married daughters and, uh...

and my, uh, y-youngest is, um, Eve.

- Mm.
- She's in, uh, Air Force Academy.

Well, while Eve is away,
I'm sure she doesn't want

things here at home to change, either.

Yes.

There has been some resistance
around here about that.

So you understand.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I-I understand.

Really? You're not even
gonna say good morning?

Why should I? I don't
know what you people hear.

Just drop it, Kyle.

No, it's no big deal.

All I'm saying is I don't know you!

- Hey, Kristin.
- Hey, Kyle.

Oh, I see you two are
on a first-name basis.

Oh, so you can you hear that,
but you don't hear Laurel?

- No, I hear Yanny.
- Laurel.

- Yanny. Yanny.
- Laurel. Laurel. Laurel.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

I want to say something here.

Yanny, Yanny, Yanny, Yanny, Yanny!

Time-out, time-out.

I got a recording of my own
I want you all to listen to.

Just let me know what you hear. Tell me.

I can't really make anything out.

It sounds like a bunch
of people at a party.

Yeah, w-what is this thing, Ed?

It's you knuckleheads
hanging out last week.

- Sounds like we were having a really good time.
- You were.

And then we let all this
Laurel-Yanny stuff split us up.

You did. See, "out there"
everybody's always fighting.

They're, I mean, they're looking
for things to fight about.

I don't want that in here, folks.

I-I don't, either.

From now on,

let's not talk about
things that separate us.

Agreed. Let's just stick
to politics and religion.

Did you finally cave

and agree to let Vanessa
change Eve's room?

No, actually, we've
invited Fiona to move in.

Ha, ha.

I miss Eve.

But I don't think she's moving back.

I just have to accept the
fact that things change.

Wow. The way you were acting,

I didn't think you
would ever accept that.

Well...

I'm having a little
difficulty moving on.

Uh, it's probably my age.

More likely, 'cause I loved
the way things used to be.

I've got to learn to make
the best of it, you know?

It's not like I have a choice.

I get it. You're talking about me, too.

But maybe I don't want to move on.

I'm not talking about you.
I was talking about your dad.

You know, he wants to move on.

He's having a hard time,
and I understand that.

And do you want to
make it harder for him?

You want some help?

Sure, that'd be great.

Um, just pack her sweaters up.

There's two boxes over there.

Mike Baxter here for Outdoor
Man talking about change.

Now, nature is full of change.
Sometimes that change is good.

A caterpillar goes into a slimy cocoon

and emerges a gorgeous butterfly.

On the other hand, some
change is, well, hard.

When a bear cub says
goodbye to the cave,

he leaves behind two
very sad bear parents

who feel like they have
nothing left in life,

except selling toilet paper...

and mauling campers.

But there's two ways
of looking at change.

You can either focus
on what you're losing,

or celebrate what you're gaining.

To quote the novelist Hermann Hesse,

"Some of us think holding
on makes us strong,

but sometimes it is letting go".

Great advice for life, bad
advice if you're rock climbing.

My advice for dealing with
change? Take baby steps.

Like, maybe you used to go
camping with your family

in a 200-square-foot tent.

Then the kids moved out,
and now when you go camping,

you and your old lady feel like

the last two people at a circus.

That's why this month at Outdoor Man,

we're inviting you empty nesters
to trade in your old family tent

for a discount on our
new, cozy, two-person tent.

Insulated, easy setup, water-resistant.

Now, the only thing it can't do
is protect you from those bears.

But don't worry, they probably
just want to show you photos

of their cubs and grand-cubs.

And then they're gonna maul you.

Baxter out.

Okay, these two guys
are at the beach, right?

Santa Monica Pier, they're
sitting there, and one guy tells

the other guy, "You know,
women never pay attention to me.

You always get attention from women.

Is there any trick I can do?"

The guy says, "It's a trick I
don't usually tell many people.

Here's what I want you to do.

Get a potato, put it
in your bathing suit".

The guy says, "What?"
"Don't ask questions,

just do as I say".

And then the guy, you
know, he finds a potato,

puts it in his bathing suit,
goes out on the beach.

He comes back probably 15 minutes later.

And he's-he's livid.

He goes, "You told me to put
a potato in my bathing suit

and the lifeguard kicked me out.

Women were screaming,
children were running from me".

And the guy that told him that says,

"You put the potato in the front".

So what should have made
the man appear well-endowed,

in fact made it look
like he soiled himself.

- Uh, yeah, that's-that's the joke.
- Yeah.