Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 16 - Along Came a Spider - full transcript

Ick, ick, ick, ick, ick, ick, ick!

Okay, something tells me I don't
want to know what's in there.

It's my class tarantula.

Oh, my God, I had this
exact nightmare last week.

Y-You brought a tarantula into
the house and then the spider

turned into Donatella
Versace, and she told me

I was a fraud and
then my teeth fell out.

Sorry, I had to bring her home

because the school is getting fumigated.

My fear of spiders is outweighed

by my love of extra credit.



Okay, well, does this
disgusting thing have a name?

Tarantula Lansbury.

My teacher thought it was so clever,

but he's an old guy.

I need to figure out what to feed it.

Do you think Vanessa would
mind if I used her computer?

No. Her password used
to be "Hugh Grant",

but that was, like, ten years
ago, so I would hope by now

- that she's moved on.
- I'm in.

Hey, girls.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hey.

Still can't figure out
the washing machine

at your apartment?

Whoa, whoa, who's this?



Uh, that is Tarantula Lansbury.

That's good.

Uh-oh.

I don't think I was
supposed to see this.

That's probably 'cause you're using

somebody's computer that's not yours.

No, Vanessa wrote a letter withdrawing

from the State Assembly race.

What? She's not a quitter.

I mean, she quit smoking,

but nothing to get angry about.

Yeah, but I don't get it.

Mom is so passionate about education.

I mean, she gave up on me, but still.

Looks like just a draft,
but I'm surprised

she never told me anything about it.

When you do talk to her, don't
tell her I was on her computer.

It's all right, we're on
your computer all the time.

- Hey.
- I'm so mad.

The parking lot at the store
was jammed and then this woman

zipped into a parking spot
that I was clearly waiting for.

Why do you let people
do that to you, honey?

Oh, I got her back. I gave her

the "you know what you did" face.

Oh, stop, that sends
chills up and down my spine,

and I didn't even do anything
wrong that you know of.

Okay, okay.

Since you dragged it out of me...

I-I saw what you were
doing on your computer.

Oh, oh.

How embarrassing, you know what?

I just love videos

of pandas sneezing.

Well, you'd be a psychopath
if you didn't love that.

No, I'm talking about this.

You're thinking about
dropping out of the race?

Mike, look.

It just crossed my mind, okay?

I mean, you got to admit,
things aren't going that great.

So? You're not a quitter, Vanessa.

You're the positive person.

You're the one even
when the Broncos lose,

say, "Look, at least
they had a good time".

Well, look, I knew it was

a long shot that I would win.

I really, I just wanted to get
people talking about education.

But I can't get anyone to listen!

Well, you're not the
most forceful person.

No, I tried. At the candidates' forum,

I-I couldn't get anyone to call on me,

and I must have raised my
hand at least a dozen times.

Nobody's gonna listen to what
you have to say if you wait

for them to call on you.

Vanessa?

Look, I get what you're saying,

but all these other candidates
are not afraid to be loud,

obnoxious and pushy to
get people's attention,

and I-I'm not that person.

It's too bad you can't
get advice from somebody

who is loud, obnoxious and pushy.

If you were married to
somebody like that...

Hmm. How about you?

Oh... perfect!

Hey, guys, we got a new
ultrasound of the baby.

- You want to see?
- Ooh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh!

- She looks just like Kristin.
- Aw...

Yeah, like, if Kristin was tiny

and trapped in some weird
balloon and her arm was coming

out of her stomach and
there was all this goop...

We get it, thank you.

I-I got to get back to the Grill.

Yeah, our coupons expire
tomorrow, so the place

is crawling with old...
er, wiser people...

- who love soup.
- Mm-hmm.

I live for Wednesdays.

Cream of potato.

Uh, yeah, I got to get
back, too, actually.

Marijuana does not sell itself.

Yeah, actually, it kind of does.

- Bye.
- All right,

- see you guys.
- see you.

- Love you.
- Love you.

Hey, have, uh, you guys
gotten them a baby gift yet?

Oh, I haven't, no.

Hey, hey, Ed? Ed... what
about if the three of us

go in together, get something special?

Well, that's a great idea.

I know exactly what to get.

It's very high tech, very millennial.

Great, uh, can we split it three ways?

Well, it's north of two grand.

Oh.

Uh, is it okay if we get them something

south of... 40 bucks?

Yeah, what...

what is this thing?

Well, it's a Rock-a-Tot.

It's a Swedish-made, smart bassinet.

So, you operate it from your phone.

It rocks the baby to sleep,
and even knows when it stirs.

Well, for 2,000 bucks, it
better also wipe her butt.

Wait, does it?

If it did, I'd have one.

No, no, look, I don't expect
you to split it equally with me,

so why don't we each pay an
amount based on our salaries?

All right, and of course, that
means I'll pay the most, so...

All right, well, I guess that
means I pay the second most.

Well, you don't know that.

Maybe, uh, I pay the second most.

I make a pretty penny.

I get paid in dollars.

- Okay, but...
- Okay, just stop, stop, stop...

Let's not get into who makes
more money, gentlemen.

I'll calculate what you owe,

and then you pay the rest, all right?

So, I'll-I'll tell
you separately, right?

- How-how's that sound?
- Yeah, okay.

Yeah, sounds good to me.

I don't want my employees worried

about who makes more money around here.

Life is too short, all right?

And you can't take it with you. Yeah.

Although, I've got an
Egyptian guy working on that.

This is so exciting.

What a great idea to have Vanessa

livestream from the house.

Well, that's today's politics.

People want to think that
they know who you are.

It's like inviting people
into your own home.

So, let's get rid of everything

in the background that looks
like it's worth stealing.

Okay, I have done my part, and

if elections were decided by
who has the best fashion sense...

and I believe they should be...

- Mom would win by a landslide.
- Oh, honey.

If I were 18, I would vote for you...

and buy a cigar.

Honey, I think you look great, you do.

Oh, Dad, we should do your outfit now.

- I'm not on camera.
- Yeah, I know.

It's just been bugging
me for a long time.

You know, honey, I have to admit,

I was a little dubious when
you first brought this up,

- but I'm-I'm kind of excited.
- Uh-huh.

We're gonna show the Colorado voters

- the real Vanessa Baxter.
- Okay.

And none of the expensive lamps!

Um...

And, you-you really don't think
I should talk about the issues?

No, no, no.

Like Nixon did in 1960?

Lost to Kennedy, 'cause he
was charming and handsome.

- Any more questions?
- Yeah, I have one.

Who is Nixon?

I find it hard to
believe you're from here.

- Okay.
- Listen, grab the lavalier mic,

- and put it on her.
- Yeah.

- I'll be right back.
- Good.

- Okay, now, Mom?
- Yeah.

Just remember not to do
anything embarrassing.

You don't want to become a meme.

Oh, memes are so cute.

That housewife,

she was so angry at that cat.

Yeah, memes are cute
unless you're in them.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, I didn't think about that, but...

Like-like, that, um, that actress

who yawned during an interview.

People made memes like she
was screaming at babies.

You mean she wasn't?

I... I hated that lady.

I know, right?

Everybody did!

Or that CEO who blinked.

And the meme made it
look like he was sleeping.

Right!

They photoshopped him in
pajamas in a sleeping cap.

His wife left him!

Okay.

Looks good, let's get this
show on the road, people.

What?! What?! And-and be
mocked by the entire world?!

No! No, not a chance in hell!

No, no, not doing it!

Nope, no!

What was I gone... 30 seconds?

Come on, come on, you're gonna be fine.

Just breathe and relax.
The important thing is just,

- just be yourself.
- No, I can't be comfortable.

Look, the girls are right, I just,

I don't want to be a laughingstock.

No, Mom, look, don't worry.

- You're gonna be great.
- Yeah.

Just don't, you know, blink.

The woman has to blink!

Oh, no!

Vanessa, do not do that.

You're asking to get Home Alone-ed.

Home Alone-ed?

Don't listen to these
foolish, foolish girls.

You're not gonna look stupid
because you're not stupid.

- You're a champ, you are a champ.
- Okay, all right, yeah.

- Okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're right, okay. I-I got this.

Whoa! Definitely don't do that!

The thumbs-up is, like, a sex thing now.

What?! Ew!

Get out, go. Go, get out.

All right.

- Just put them out of your mind.
- Okay.

The girls were never here.

- Mm-hmm, okay.
- Good, good?

- Yeah, yeah.
- All right, I got to do

a quick sound check here on your mic,

so I want you to just go over that

intro we came up with, all right?

Ready... and go.

Hi.

I am Vanessa Baxter,

and I am running for
Colorado State Assembly.

Welcome to my home.

Okay.

We got the sound check and...

next we're gonna go live,

and you're gonna want to act like
you actually are alive.

Hey, man, you want a cup of coffee?

Oh, yeah, thanks, Mr. Larabee.

How do you take it?

Oh, three caramels, whipped cream,

and a cinnamon stick.

Why don't I just let you get it?

Oh...

Gentlemen, a moment, please.

- I did a little figuring based on what you make...
- Mm-hmm?

... and here's what you
each owe for the baby gift.

- Oh, okay.
- Great. Thanks, Mr. Alzate.

Yeah, this was really a good idea.

Now that I know what you both earn,

you spend way too much time
standing around doing nothing.

Did you just try and
look at my piece of paper?

No, but you just tried to look at mine.

I don't care what's on your paper.

That is your business.

Hmm, unless my business
is more than your business.

Which it probably isn't.

Okay. We both want to
know what each other has,

so, count of three we show
each other the paper, deal?

- Deal.
- Okay.

One. Two.

Three.

I knew you weren't gonna do it.

You didn't, either. Okay, go again.

Okay. But for realsies.

Okay. One. Two.

Three.

Oh...

Seriously?

All right, never mind. I'm out of here.

Yeah, go get your stupid coffee!

You know, actually, I think
I'll buy one in the Grill.

- I can afford it.
- Hmm.

So can I. I can afford two if I want!

So, I hope that answers your question,

Linda from Capitol Hill.

We need to solve Colorado's
problems from top...

Ooh!

From top to bottom.

If you want to hear more
of her stands on the issues,

you can visit her website,
but today, we're gonna get

a little more personal right now.

Why don't you tell us about the time

you and your daughters
ran out of gas up on I-70?

Oh, that is quite a story, Mike.

We ran out of gas...

... and then we got more.

Looks like we just lost
Linda from Capitol Hill.

What we're gonna do now
is take a quick break,

little five-minute break,

give the voters of Colorado a chance

to catch their breath. See you in five.

Oh, we can do that?

Um, honey.

We're not on right now. You can relax.

No, I don't, I don't want to relax.

I-I need to keep my energy up.

You know, an oil
painting has more energy

than you have right now.

I'm sorry, Michael. Just blame Mandy.

Look, I-I don't want to be a joke.

I'm going to the bathroom. I... Great.

Oh, boy.

It's going great, Mr. Baxter.

What part of this is going great to you?

The part where she
actually moved her face?

On the bright side,
I don't think anybody

is going to remember this.

Hmm.

You know, I think I have a way
for people to remember this.

Ooh, what's that?

It's just a little
special effect for later.

- Special effect?
- Don't touch that! You're back in five. Okay.

Ready? Four, three, two,

one. All right.

Our hour's almost up,
so let's pick up the pace

- a little bit.
- What does that mean?

Word association.

Family.

Uh, good.

Commitment.

Also good.

- All right, third word.
- All right, stop.

Stop. What are you doing with this mug?

- Oh, spider!
- There.

Girls!

Get in here and get this thing!

Oh, make Jen do it.

You're wearing oven mitts.

Stop it. Just relax. Look,
he's perfectly harmless.

I think he's peeing on me!

Why the hell would you do that?

What? You're not afraid of spiders.

No. No, you know, I'll tell
you what I am scared of. Them.

Them, the trolls
who-who don't really care

about what our kids are
going through at school.

You know, all they care about

are goofy pictures on the Internet.

So, you know what? You go ahead.

You go ahead, and you make a meme

of me holding a spider.

And while you're at it,
uh, here's me blinking.

And-and here's me yawning.

And then there, whatever this means.

I'm Vanessa Baxter,

and I'm wishing you a good night.

If you'd like to learn more

about this candidate's positions,

Baxters out.

Come in.

- Watch it, guys. Come on. Easy does it.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Whoa, what's this?

Uh, well, the three of
us got you and Kristin

a little something for the baby.

Guys, thank you so much.

That is totally unnecessary.
I mean, not that we don't...

O-Okay, okay, y-yeah,
yeah. Just, uh, tell me

where to put it so I don't get a hernia.

All right, here we go.

- Easy there.
- Whoa.

- I got it.
- Uh, oh, let me go get Kris.

There you go.

Oh, I have a check for you, Mr. Alzate.

- Oh. Yeah, yeah. Me, too.
- Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

What? Are you-you afraid
I'm gonna look at your check?

Uh, yeah. I wasn't
born yesterday, Chuck.

That would make me a baby.

Are you two dummies still
on this? Give me those.

Are you still worried about
who makes more money?

Maybe a little.

I'm not. 'Cause I probably make more.

Probably don't.

Okay, fine. Fine. Fine, fine, fine.

All right, here. Here. Chuck's check.

Here's Kyle's.

All right, go ahead. Go ahead.

What are you waiting for?
Don't you want to know?

- I do.
- I do more.

Wait, they're the same amount.

What, what, so, we make the same money?

I don't know. Do you
really think I know how

to look up how much you make
on the company database?

I can't even close out a game
of solitaire I started in 2008.

Wow.

Yeah, well, now I feel kind of stupid.

Well, you should.

You know, I'm a really wealthy man.

And there's two things
I've learned in life.

One: if you can...

be very wealthy.

And two:

never compare yourself
to someone based on money.

The most important thing in
life is a person's character.

And you both have equal amounts of that.

I'm sorry, Chuck.

Me, too, buddy.

For realsies.

- Hey, guys. Wow, this is nice.
- Oh.

- What?
- Yeah, I thought we could both, um...

... open it together?

- Uh, what? A Rock-a-Tot?
- What?

You guys, this-this gift is amazing.

Well, it's for two people we love

and one person we're going to love.

- Oh!
- Guys, th...

- I mean, this is really expensive.
- Yeah.

Money. Who cares about money?

Besides, we-we split it.

Mm-hmm. But not evenly, of course.

I make a lot more
money than these chumps,

so it's mostly from me.

- Uncle Ed. Oh, we love you.
- That's all right.

Just open it slowly.

I don't want to open
it, Jen. You open it.

- You open it.
- You open it.

- You open it.
- I'm not gonna open it.

- You open...
- Is Vanessa back yet?

Not yet.

Boy, she seemed pretty mad.

All she said was,
"I'm going for a walk".

That's what she does when she's upset.

The more upset she is,
the further she walks.

One time, I had to go
pick her up in Wyoming.

That was my fault.

I'm sorry the livestream
was such a disaster.

I don't think it was a disaster,

and not just 'cause it was my idea.

She wanted to get some attention,

she got said attention.

Yeah, I don't think Mom's
gonna see it that way.

Oh, hell yes!

Hey, honey. Look, look, look.

Did you see my website?
Look at this. Look at this.

It's blowing up. Thousands of comments.

Donations are pouring
in, and look at this.

Linda from Capitol Hill
sent in a hundred bucks.

- Ah.
- Right?

I always liked that woman.

So, you're not worried
about becoming a meme.

Oh, no, I-I already am. No, look, look.

Here's a picture of me with the spider,

and it says, "This is
what badass looks like".

Right? And then over here, look.

Here, this one says, uh,

"What has ten legs and my vote?"

Here's one that says,

"She puts the 'rack' in arachnid".

Gross.

Hey, that's me!

Wait.

They made me into the
Crazy Oven Mitt Lady?

You know, honey, you got to be careful

with what you put on the Internet.

You just have to work with someone

who knows what they're doing.

Thank you.

Aw, kiss of the Spider Woman.

I hope not. You know,

female spiders kill
the male after mating.

Yeah, but, you know,
that's-that's, like, afterwards.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man

talking about arachnids. Spiders.

I've traveled throughout the world

and seen hundreds of the
estimated 35,000 species.

They can be big, little,
poisonous, jump high,

but one thing all
spiders are is authentic.

You push 'em, they push back.

If you push up against a
Brazilian, uh, wandering spider?

You might want to wander into
an emergency room.

Spiders have very poor
eyesight, you know?

Unlike the Feds, who have a lot of eyes

and can see your hard-earned money

no matter where you put it.

You got to love the
female spiders. Yeah.

They often begin eating the
male during sex.

You know, he knew what
he was getting into,

but he died doing what he loved.

Look, big females eat their puny mates

(simply because A)
They're hungry. Right?

(B) They can.

Love 'em or hate 'em, you never wonder

if spiders are being straight with you.

Maybe our leaders should
take a lesson from spiders

instead of, I don't know, snakes?

Politicians like to come
up with ways to convince us

that they're being honest with us.

Here's an idea. Why
don't you tell the truth?

Maybe we should be like spiders

and let the women run things, huh? Yeah.

Just be sure to avoid 'em,
you know, when they're hungry.

Baxter out.