Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 14 - This Too Shall Bass - full transcript

Hey, Baxter. Oh.

Uh, yeah, I won't bother
you if you're busy.

Oh, you're not bothering
me. Come on in. What's up?

Is this a trap?

Is a bucket of water gonna
fall on my head or something?

No, no, no. I mean, you bother me a lot,

but not today.

As a matter of fact, for
the next couple weeks,

it's happy Mike Baxter.

Oh, that's right, it's
bass festival season.

It's Big Ass Bass Festival.



Show a little respect, you know.

Christmastime can suck it.

This is the most
wonderful time of the year.

(CHUCKLES): Yeah.

You know, I actually can't wait.

- I-I heard there's gonna be a beer garden this year.
- Yeah.

It's gonna make the three-legged race

a lot more fun to watch.

And the lawn dart game.
I'll tell you what, huh?

It's the 25th anniversary
of Ed and I doing this,

so I'm pulling out all the stops.

Yeah, I bet Ed has some
crazy ideas cooked up, too.

Ed always has crazy ideas,

but this time of year,
they work in perfectly.



Nothing can beat what he did
for the grand finale last year.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fireworks and a
performance by Air Supply.

That's because Toto wasn't available.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah.

Ironically, they were in Africa.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, I love that band.
I'm a total Toto-head.

We were just talking about the festival,

and we're both excited
about what your big surprise

- is gonna be this time.
- It's bad news, Mikey.

- Yeah?
- Yep.

You're gonna have to host
the festival without me.

- (MIKE LAUGHING)
- I'm out.

Yeah. You know, your surprises aren't

quite as fun as they used to be.

♪♪

All right, look, I'm not buying this.

You're not coming to the festival?

Yeah, yeah, Ed, I mean, who's
gonna pour the Bass-tinis?

Yeah.

Pond. James Pond.

Netted, not stirred.

I'm serious. I'm gonna
be away that weekend

with my lovely bride.

Aw, what can I say? We're newlyweds.

We're joined at the arthritic hips.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Okay, well, you have a
wonderful day at work, my love.

- Mmm...
- Okay.

It won't be wonderful
until I get back home

to see you, my dear.

- Oh... ta!
- See you later, Bonnie.

Love your lovin'.

What do you mean you're
not coming to the festival?

- What's the matter with you?
- Yeah, Ed.

We all love our wives, but what could be

more important than the festival?

Bonnie wants me to accompany her

to the Bessler Art Museum
Annual Gala in Connecticut.

Oh, the Bessler Art Gallery?
Why didn't you say something?

You hate art.

Now, come on now, easy, easy, now.

Art is very important to Bonnie.

Well, art's very important
here in Colorado,

- and bass fishing's like fine art.
- Yeah.

I once caught a fish by the nuke plant,

looked like a Picasso painting.

Three eyes, gills on top of its head,

and a thumb.

And you ate it.

See, I'm-I'm gonna hate
missing our festival,

but this is the kind of
choice that I didn't make

with my other marriages,

and you know how well they turned out.

All right. Can't argue with that.

- Thanks for understanding.
- Mm.

And when Air Supply gets
here, have them dedicate

"Lost in Love" for Ed.

That's my jam.

What do you mean "you
can't argue with that"?

You'll fight anything.

- No, I won't.
- Yes, you will.

- No, I won't.
- I know what you're doing.

No, you don't.

No, you don't, no, you don't,

but thanks for helping me warm up.

'Cause, yes, I will fight this.

I am so excited I get to run
the Kids' Corral this year.

Well, you're about to find out
that setting up fun and games

is not all fun and games.

Yes, but, um, it doesn't matter

because I am doing this for you.

You've got my goddaughter in there,

so I want you to go rest
before the big kapow!

Yes, because birth is just
like Batman punching the Joker.

Okay, Goldfish Pond.

You're gonna have to buy lots
of live goldfish for prizes.

Don't be like Eve.
Remember to feed them.

Next, corn dogs.

Don't be like Eve.
Remember to cook them.

Are you paying attention?

Yes, cook the goldfish and
put fish food on the corn dogs.

- Mandy?
- (CHUCKLES)

I am kidding. Look, I have got this.

I don't want you to give
this another thought.

- Now go home and rest.
- Okay.

Last thing. Face painting.

It is the most popular booth
and the reason that you will hate

children's cheeks for
the rest of your life.

I know. It's so hard
to find a face painter.

Oh, no, they're easy to find. (CHUCKLES)

They're usually in their car smoking pot

while they should be painting faces.

Well, Kris, I am way ahead of you. Jen!

What do you think?

Ah, that's amazing. He
looks just like a tiger.

Oh, yeah, I feel like a tiger.

I should be in a cage,

just pacing back and forth.

It's great, uh, but how
long did that take you, Jen?

I got it down to two and a half hours.

That's not gonna work.

You're gonna have to paint a face

every three or four minutes.

Oh, like an assembly line?

- Exactly.
- I quit!

I am an artist.

You should hire gang
members to tag the children.

Okay, I will find someone.

This is not your
problem, so you go home.

- I've got this.
- Okay, okay.

- But if you need anything...
- I won't. Go home.

Okay, I am getting a
little scared, Kyle.

(CHUCKLES) Relax.

I'm not gonna maul you.

Although I could tear the
ass off an antelope right now.

(DOOR SHUTS)

Hey, is that my favorite bottle of wine?

(CHUCKLES) I knew I liked you.

Yeah.

It's also your mother's
favorite bottle of wine,

so hands off of that.

Still like me?

- No. Now I'm on the fence.
- (LAUGHS)

So, why are you giving her this gift?

What, uh... what do you want from her?

Maybe I just want her to know
how much she means to me.

Uh-huh. What do you want from her?

She's taking Ed to some
gallery opening in Connecticut

the same weekend as the bass festival.

Oh, yeah, yeah, the Bessler Museum.

Yeah, she goes every year.

Look, galas are kind
of her natural habitat.

Well, that's great for
her, but she's making Ed go?

- She's making him?
- Yeah.

She's made him love her so much

that he thinks he actually wants to go.

It's, like, diabolical.

And the bottle of wine is
supposed to convince her

- that they should stay here instead?
- Exactly.

Right. And you really think
you can convince my mother

to give up Monet and
champagne for a... for an event

that includes a worm race?

We don't do the worm race anymore.

I had to shut it down.
The mob got involved.

You don't think I can pull this off?

I think she will see right through it.

Look, honey, you don't need the wine.

You're-you're a salesman.

Just-just sell her on the,
the importance of the festival.

You really think I can do this,

or do you just want that bottle of wine?

Honey, honey, I believe in you.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Yeah.

And I don't need the bag.

Hey. You wanted to see me, Mike?

My favorite mother-in-law.

Oh, darling. My favorite son-in-law.

And don't tell Vanessa's sister

or that idiot husband of hers.

Mum is the word, Mum.

Why don't you have a
seat? You know Chuck.

- Oh, Chuck, hi.
- Yeah. Nice to see you, Bonnie.

Although I must say I
miss seeing you with Ed,

you crazy lovebirds.

(CHUCKLES) No, you don't.

No, I don't.

I didn't think so.

- So, what's going on here?
- MIKE: Okay.

Well, we're doing our
final push for promotion

for our Big Ass Bass Festival.

Oh, what a charming name.

Oh, uh, would you like a T-shirt?

Uh, I really wouldn't, thank you.

Okay, so here's what's going
on. Our radio sponsors are gonna

have us on the air to
reach out to people...

that really don't understand

what the B.A.B. Festival is all about.

Oh, that stands for Big Ass...

I was able to break the code...

You know, they may know the-the event,

but they don't know the
history of the event, right?

People like you, Bonnie.
People who are new to Colorado.

Right, right, so, would you mind

if we bounced a few ideas off you?

No, not at all. I'm not...

I'm not sure that I'm
exactly the target, uh,

Fat Ass Bass, uh, audience...

(CHUCK STAMMERING)

Big Ass Bass.

Oh, Big. I stand corrected.
Forgive me, forgive me.

All right, I am, I am all
ready for the history lesson.

You know, this is...
this is kind of like

listening to public radio.

No, no, it's not like public radio. No.

It's a totally... no. Hell no! No.

- All right, give it a shot.
- Okay, here we go.

(DRAMATIC VOICE): 25 years ago,

Mike Baxter and Ed Alzate had a dream.

To create a festival
that would bring together

their two great loves:
fishing and the family

they were building at Outdoor Man.

This is the story of that journey.

This is the story of

- the Big Ass Bass Festival.
- (MIKE MOUTHS)

Yeah.

Man, are-are you hooked? (CHUCKLES)

That's actually funny. Are you hooked?

- I'm on the edge of my seat.
- Right.

But th-the history is
even more interesting

'cause it started with
just me and Ed and my family

sitting on a cooler of beer

with other customers of the
store that liked to fish.

- And-and this year we're drawing thousands.
- Right.

And we'll raise more than 200 grand

- for the Children's Hospital.
- We hope. 200 grand.

Oh, wow. I'm certainly reeled in.

Reeled in. Get it?

Yeah, I do, and that was magnificent.

And next year the festival
will be even bigger.

But the reality is... without Ed here,

it's gonna just, uh, feel smaller.

I see.

Well, Mike, I know why
you're sharing this with me,

and you've... you've given
me something to think about.

Bonnie, that's all I
wanted to do is just kind of

open your mind a-a smidge
just to th-the world

we live in around here.

Uh, a new and exciting world.

(DRAMATICALLY): The
world of Big Ass Bass.

Chuck, you should do
voices for animated films.

Shouldn't he? Shouldn't he, Mike?

You know, Bonnie, I've heard better.

♪♪

Hello? Hi. Hi, hi, hi.

I have been calling around to
try and find some ponies to rent,

but no one seems to have any.

Can you please explain the
great pony shortage of 2020?

Oh, I'm sorry, then don't
call yourself a pet shop!

KYLE: Okay, Mandy, we're ready.

Okay, not-not yet.

Not yet.

And done. Four minutes flat. (CHUCKLES)

Is she a bunny?

Or a kitty or a dog

or anything in the
animal kingdom, really.

What do you think?

Well, she looks like she did it herself.

In the dark.

With her foot.

Well, it's kind of her own fault.

She doesn't have any
natural bunny features.

Okay, I know I quit
being the face painter,

but now I'd like to withdraw my face.

Hey, everybody. Brought
over the tickets.

And my special agave
syrup for the snow cones.

Snow cones?

You did rent the machine, didn't you?

(CHUCKLING): Uh, Ryan,
of course she did.

How much of an idiot
do you think she is?

(CHUCKLING): Yeah, come on, man.

Good God.

That's not what the face painting's

- gonna look like, right?
- KYLE: Right.

We're not even sure what
that's supposed to be.

Yeah, come on, man.

Shouldn't you go back to
your wife? I mean, how is she?

Uh, her back hurts,
her feet are swollen,

and, "Those aren't the
chocolate chip cookies

I wanted, go back and
get me the right ones".

(EXHALES) So, uh, yeah. She's great.

Well, you go ahead and tell her
that I am way ahead of schedule

and not to worry.

Uh, yeah, she's not really
liking me talking right now.

- Can you believe that guy?
- Yes. It's like he's reading my mind.

Everything is going wrong.
I'm terrible at this.

Do you want me to paint
a smile on your face?

Kyle? What kind of makeup is this?

Uh, it's whatever they
had at the Dollar Mart.

It's not coming off and it burns.

- It was a dollar.
- Oh, my God.

- Hey.
- Hi.

You know, when we started
doing this festival,

this thing was a guppy.

(CHUCKLES)

Ooh, honey, are you feeling okay?

'Cause you look like you
might have a haddock.

I do now.

Hey, everybody. The boss is here.

- Look busy. Look busy.
- Wait a minute.

Does this mean you're back?

You bet. I'm ready to
pound beers or nails.

Used to do both.

Until this little piggy
went to the hospital.

Ooh. Ha-ha. Wow, you
convinced my mother to stay.

You really are a good salesman.

It goes without saying, but,
uh, thanks for saying it.

Well, it's not quite, Mikey.

See, Bonnie is still going to the gala,

but she knew it was
very important for me

to be here with my Outdoor Man family.

Oh? She really must love you.

How diabolical.

She convinced me that our young marriage

can endure a brief separation.

Okay, well, whatever
you guys decide is fine.

So I'll get you a hammer and a beer.

Yeah, just one little thing

that you can do for me, Mikey, please.

- Just name it.
- Yeah?

Convince my wife to stay.

I can't be apart from her. Okay?

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man,

talking about, well, Outdoor Man.

When this store opened
almost 30 years ago,

it was just a simple
bait and tackle shop.

I was just a simple marketing director

with rugged good looks.

This was a time when
we all had great hair.

I invited hunters to the store;

they'd say, "Hey, you
only have fish stuff".

And then the mullet was king.

I'd say, "Thanks, but come in.

We've got something for everyone here".

When they did, they
found hunting jackets,

field gutting gloves,
and T-shirts that read,

"Hunters Do It in the Woods".

When they saw camo and
ammo, the hunters smiled.

(MAN WHOOPS)

When I invited campers
to the store, they'd say,

"Nah, you just have
fishing and hunting stuff".

At that time the rattail was king.

I'd say, "Thanks, but come on by,

we've got something for everyone".

When they did, they saw tents,
sleeping bags, and T-shirts

that read, "Campers Do It in the Woods".

Oddly enough, they in fact do.

Outdoor Man thrives on variety.

When I invited mountain-climbing vegans,

I'd say, "We have boots
made of fake leather".

And now the man bun is king.

Outdoor Man is more than a store;

Outdoor Man is a family.

And families welcome all types of people

with all kinds of hairdos.

So I invite everyone to
come by our 25th Annual

Big Bass Festival and meet our family.

You might just find you're one of us.

My buddy Terry Bradshaw will be there.

He's had the same hairstyle since 1975.

Chrome-Dome Baxter out.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi, you are supposed to
be at home taking it easy.

Well, when Ryan was
here, he got the idea

that things weren't going so great.

What? No, I am killing it.

So, Ryan was wrong.

Just like he was wrong
about the cookies. (CHUCKLES)

Stupid Ryan!

Are these so hard to find?

Okay.

Well, you sound disappointed
that things are going well.

I find that odd.

No, it's nothing. It's just...

I don't want to tell you

because it makes me sound
like a terrible person.

Okay, well, now I must know.

I've just been sitting at home,

feeling swollen and uncomfortable

and totally useless,

and I thought if you were struggling,

then I could, you know,
step in and feel needed.

Okay. Well, good news:

I am totally blowing it.

Don't toy with me, Mandy.

I'm fragile.

No, no, seriously, okay? Look at this.

No ponies, no face
painter, I got nothing.

I was this close to
starting a fight club.

Look, let's-let's face it, okay?

I am not the amazing you.

I haven't always been
the amazing me, either.

What do you mean?

Dad threatened to fire me
for the first couple of years.

There were runaway ponies

and dart injuries and...

one year I forgot to rent
the snow cone machine.

Come on, man.

And there was a clown who...

well, legally, he
should have notified us

when he moved into the neighborhood.

Okay, so... what do I do now?

Well, we sit down and we work through

all of this together.

- Like sisters.
- Thank you, sister.

(CHUCKLES)

But, um, next year, I suggest
that you get pregnant

and we pawn it off on Eve.

Interesting.

MIKE: Hey, there.

Listen, if you're looking
for the good stuff,

it's marked in the bottle
"Not for you, Chuck".

(CHUCKLES) Just about to
pour myself a Manhattan.

- Join me.
- Yeah, just a little one.

Okay. A splash. Here you go.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- So, um, Ed said he's staying for the festival.
- Yeah.

I was hoping, uh, you would, too.

Aw. That's very kind of you,

but, um, big butt fish festivals
are not my cup of tea.

That's what I used to say
about in-laws, until I met you.

- Oh.
- Not the, the big butt part, that was...

(LAUGHS)

So you must really love
that gala in Connecticut.

Oh, I wouldn't say love. I just, um...

I fit in. You know?

Well, I think you could
probably fit in here.

Mmm. I don't think so, Mike.

I'm more champagne and caviar

and not "pin the tail on the walleye".

You know, I think you
just might have invented

a fun new game.

We have caviar here, you
just have to dig it out

of the fish with your finger.

(CHUCKLES)

I wouldn't have any purpose.

I don't want to go and stand around

like, uh, Ed's trophy wife.

Nobody's calling you a
trophy wife around here.

I know, I'm trying to get it started.

Look.

Let's be honest.

Somebody like me is gonna
stick out like a sore thumb

- at this festival.
- Really?

What kind of people you think
come to a festival like this?

Oh, I don't know,
fishermen, hunters, uh,

people who like dirt?

And then the mayor, policemen,

professors, janitors,

and, I guess, people that like dirt.

Yeah, those people.

What do you think all
these people had in common

before they came to the festival?

I don't know.

They all thought they would
have nothing in common.

Look, I guarantee if
you give us a chance,

you might find that you do fit in here.

(CHUCKLES)

That sounds nice... I mean, fitting in.

Fitting in, l-listen.

Why don't you come on downstairs
and meet some of the people

putting together the, the festival,

and I might find, um,
something for you to paint.

Oh. Well, I, I'm a
small-brush painter, though,

I'm not a big-brush painter.

All the big-brush painting's been done,

but Mandy has a little
struggle right now

with the-with the fine art part of this.

Really? You mean, like still life?

They rarely sit still.

Come on down, and I'll show you.

You might want to down
the rest of that Manhattan.

I think you'll need it.

Okay! Almost ready. Almost.

Look at her. She's glowing.

MIKE: Yeah.

If I haven't said thank
you yet, Mike, thanks.

You actually already have said that,

so next time you talk to your doctor,

you might want to mention this?

All right. Prepare
to be wowed, everyone.

Looks like you're having a ball.

Oh, I am, I am.

Turns out I'm a Big Ass gal after all.

Mom.

All right. Now, first up,

we have a very
traditional piece... Kyle.

- (MIKE CHUCKLES)
- VANESSA: Hey, wow.

- Nice.
- Wow.

Yeah, now I've been a
tiger and a leopard.

- MIKE: Yep.
- Guess I have the heart of a predator.

In some ways I've always known.

And next, we have a tip
of the hat to surrealism.

Mandy.

MIKE: Oh.

VANESSA: Ooh.

Yeah, I'm so wearing
this to the club tonight.

- Yeah, you look amazing.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, what, uh, what is she?
- What is that?

- I'm an antelope.
- MIKE: Oh, boy.

- Uh-oh.
- You...

Kyle? Kyle?!

Bonnie, for the kids,
let's just stay away

from predator and prey.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)