Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 12 - I'm with Cupid - full transcript

JOE: You know,

life is so unfair. They got

Snakes on a Plane, Dances with Wolves,

The Elephant Man. (SCOFFS)

When did they stop
making movies about cats?

About a week after the
movie Cats came out.

Hey, Joe. Joe. Shouldn't you
be helping me fix the truck?

What are you talking about?

We finished working on
the truck an hour ago.

Oh, that's right. I think we probably

forgot the part where you,
uh, pack up and go home.



Come on, you had your
mechanic time with Joe.

Now he and I get to have
our usual glass of wine

and talk about poetry.

The only poem Mike knows was,

- "There once was a man from Nantucket..."
- (VANESSA LAUGHS)

I like this one, though.

"Before I start bitchin', why
don't you leave my kitchen?"

♪♪

- Morning.
- Morning.

Morning, Mikey.

Mikey, how about a nice hot cup of joe?

(SHIVERS)

If it was the Joe I know,
it'd be dim and lifeless,

and leave a bitter taste in your mouth,



and I'd never be able to get rid of it.

All right, what'd he do now?

Well, apparently,

- Joe and my wife have become friends.
- Oh?

- She asked the dude over for dinner.
- Hmm.

You know, Dante was incorrect.

There are ten circles
of hell. One of them...

is made of denim.

He's lonely. He doesn't
have what we have.

Love. Real love.

- You know, Ed, I like you, but...
- Mm?

I don't think we have real love.

The man just needs a girlfriend.

Yeah, fat chance of that.

It'd be easier finding a cheap,
renewable source of energy.

Who ordered the CeCe, extra saucy?

Oh, Mandy. OMG.

Those shoes are too
sexy for a married lady.

Hey, hey,

- I may be married but my feet aren't dead.
- (CHUCKLES)

Hey, girl, I am glad you're married.

More men for me. Whoop whoop! Huh?

Come on. Okay. All righty, then.

(SIGHS) Good morning, gentle-freaks.

(CHUCKLES)

- The room suddenly got very crowded.
- (CHUCKLES)

That CeCe, she's...

a lot.

Ooh, I am going to help myself

to an everything bagel,

because, like me,

it can satisfy anyone.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, bagels, nice. I hope
there's an everything.

Uh-oh, looks like I took the last one.

Well, I think a lady like you

should have the pick
of any bagel she wants.

Oh, my goodness. What
a gentleman. (CHUCKLES)

We could go halfsies.

It would leave us both... wanting more.

I don't believe I've had the
pleasure. My name is Joseph.

They call me Joe.

It's kind of a nickname I came up with.

CeCe.

That means, "yes yes".

Yes, yes.

But my favorite action fantasy series is

The Promised Neverland.

Demons breed humans to
be super intelligent.

Because the smarter they are,
the more delicious they taste.

Wow, that is so fascinating.

Oh, but I feel like I've
been talking this whole time.

Maybe we should move on to Kyle's topic.

Uh, yeah, yeah, we will, we will.

But I have one more question for you...

- Ooh.
- (LASER BEAM SOUND EFFECT)

- What's that?
- Ah. That means that we are out of time.

And my topic today was
unappreciated sidekicks.

Yeah. Sorry, we were a
little off-topic today

because we were talking
to Jen Zhen about

the quickly evolving art
of Japanese graphic novels.

And sitting here and not talking

has been Kyle Anderson.

Well, I'd like to thank both my guests.

Jen, you were so refreshing,
so well-informed,

just fantastic all around.

And, uh, Kyle... thanks.

You've been listening to Ryan Vogelson

and this is (ECHOING):
"Ry-Ry the Sci-Fi Guy".

(GENTLE CHIMES)

(ECHOING): Bye-bye.

Ah, I'm late for Geology Club.

- Thanks for having me.
- Yeah, see you! Bye.

- Bye, you guys!
- Yeah. Bye.

Hey, sorry we ran out of time.

But, uh, pretty good show, right?

Yeah. Yeah, you and
Jen were great together.

I almost could have stayed home.

Come on. It was one show.

You kill it every time you're on.

You're a "Ry-Ry" favorite.

- Ah, I guess.
- Hey, you want a sparkling water?

I got your favorite flavor: purple.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

Jen took the last one.

Oh, Jen is having quite
the day, isn't she?

Honey, I'm wondering if we have
enough food for somebody else.

I invited CeCe over,

hoping that she and
Joe would hit it off.

CeCe?

What, the tall blonde, big laugh,

always shouting "whoop whoop"?

- That would be CeCe.
- (EXHALES)

- Well, you really think she's right for Joe?
- Yeah.

I mean, isn't she... a lot?

Well... (CHUCKLES)

a lot of people say that about me.

It's-it's actually a compliment.

No, uh, it's not.

Uh... No. Do you remember
the Outdoor Man picnic?

She heckled everyone in the talent show.

That's because the talent
at that show was horrible.

Honey, they were children.

Why are you fighting this?

- I thought you'd want Joe to be happy.
- Well, honey,

you don't care about your
friends, so somebody has to.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- Just... (MUTTERS)
- All right. Well, hey.

I will be watching her.

And, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

... there will be no l'amour
if she doesn't pass muster with me.

Well, prepare to have
your muster passed.

- Hey, Cees!
- 'Sup, Baxter.

Lady Baxter.

I came to drank, huh?! Whoop whoop!

There you go.

MIKE: All right.

Sorry, CeCe, I didn't
have the ingredients

or enough butane for that

- Flaming Black Widow thing you ordered.
- (LAUGHS)

- White wine? Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- There you go. There you go, hon.
- Okay.

The last party I was at
had a slide made of ice,

- with vodka running down it.
- Oh.

Oh, my... (CHUCKLES) Wow.

We all stood at the
bottom, just guzzling it.

You know. (GLUGGING SOUNDS)

- (LAUGHS)
- MIKE: Nice.

Best funeral ever.

You know what might be something to try?

Like, a calming green tea
and a weighted blanket.

- (LAUGHS) Mike...
- Um...

- You know, CeCe...
- Yeah.

... it's-it's great
that you like parties.

But I've gotten to know Joe,
and he's-he's kind of a homebody.

Well, I like the body part.

(LAUGHS)

- Come on.
- MIKE: Come on. (LAUGHS)

- Come on, you-you set her up.
- VANESSA: Yeah, okay.

- What was she supposed to do?
- Yeah!

Not go for the sleazy joke?

VANESSA: Well, look.

No, wait a minute. Joe is...

- Joe is a sensitive guy.
- MIKE: Yeah.

I mean, did you know that
he wrote a children's book?

- Children's book, huh?
- MIKE: Yeah.

So that means there's
no sex in it, then.

(CHUCKLES): Yikes. 50 shades of boring.

Well, look, it's a kids'
book. There is no sex in it.

She-She's just stating a
fact. You're a scientist.

- You-you love facts.
- VANESSA: Well, look,

here's a little fact about Joe.

Uh, he absolutely dotes
on his elderly mother.

- MIKE: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- He's a very, very caring person.

Oh, well, I dote on my mother, too.

- Oh, nice.
- Yeah. I designed her a sports bra

to keep her sandbags from
hitting her in the face

when she's Jazzercising, you know?

(GRUNTING)

She's not only caring. She paints a...

- a pretty picture, doesn't she?
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Hey, everybody.
- MIKE: Hey, Joe.

- Hey, hi. -Oh! (CHUCKLES)
- Sorry I'm late.

- Madonna threw up on my rug.
- (LAUGHS)

Oh, my God, Joey.

You party with Madonna?!

- And Lady Gaga.
- Okay.

Well, they... they're my cats, you know.

It's, uh... It's not really a party.

It's just a feather on
a stick kind of thing.

- So you have cats.
- Yeah.

Yeah, but he fixes cars.

Y-You know, like guys do.

Yeah, he-he has cats and a mom.

Does that bother you?

I love cats. (CHUCKLES)

My favorite breed is
the seal point Siamese.

- Madonna is a seal point Siamese.
- Shut up.

VANESSA: Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Is it cat or a seal?

It should make up its mind, right?

(LAUGHS)

You know what I hate?

They don't make enough
movies about cats.

This woman is amazing.

You know, this is a lot of
fun. Actually a lot of fun.

Uh, Joe, can I get you a beer?

- Uh...
- MIKE: Yeah, good, good.

You want something to eat?
Like, maybe a slice of crow?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey.

Hey. Uh, what you doing here?

Well, I was telling
Mandy about the other day

when Jen was on the
show, and she was saying

maybe I was being a
little too sensitive.

Uh, actually, Kyle, now's
not really a great time. I...

- Hey, you left all the equipment out.
- Uh, oh, yeah.

Yeah, just doing a
quick little sound check.

Getting a little pop on my Ps.

(CHUCKLES): Hey, it's Jen.

What?

Am I early? You said 6:30.

No, no, I didn't. No, I didn't.

Well, well, well.

What do we have here?

Kyle, are you feeling better?

Ryan said you were sick.

Oh, I'm sick.

Sick of being lied to.

There's no pop on your Ps.

Okay, would you stop, all right?

I am just doing a little
follow-up with Jen,

and I didn't tell you because I knew

you'd blow it out of proportion.

My life is in tatters.

Uh, if I'm coming between
you guys, I can leave.

No. No, no. You stay, okay?

He's being a baby.
You're the guest today.

And I'm yesterday's news.

Hey, good luck with your little show.

May I suggest a topic?

Betrayal!

Oh, and I'm not mad at
you, Jen. Break a leg.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, that is hilarious, CeCe.

The cat literally had your tongue.

CELIA: They had to put him down after!

I... (SIGHS)

I don't understand what he sees in her.

You know what they say, love is crazy.

They're both nuts. It's perfect.

All right, well, you know,

it doesn't have to make sense to me.

If Joe's happy, then,
uh, then I'm happy.

I think the phrase you're
actually looking for is,

"Mike, you were right,

I'm in awe of your abilities".

Yeah, yeah. Nice work, Cupid.

You know, the secret to
Cupid is the-the arrow.

Especially the point... I
use a single-point broad-head.

It actually rips right
through the heart.

Brings it home to me.

- Hey.
- Hey, what are you doing here?

I just came by to grab some leftovers.

Usually you guys aren't
here when I do this,

so I'll take it easy.

Take whatever you want, I've
licked all the food in there.

Well, not all of it.

That's what makes it so much fun.

- Is that Joe and CeCe?
- Mm, yeah, yeah.

They're getting to know one another.

It's a date. I set it up,

because I love love.

Huh, I know you find Joe annoying, Dad,

but I didn't think you
wanted to ruin his life.

Why are you saying that?

Because CeCe's a total man-eater.

She's always telling stories
about breaking guys' hearts

and kicking them to the curb.

- I knew it, but you wouldn't listen to me!
- Hey, hey...

Yeah.

She chews them up and spits them out

like she's Ms. Pac-Man.
(IMITATING MS. PAC-MAN)

Okay, okay, okay, okay!

Just take the tofu.

I'm positive I haven't licked that.

Okay.

I'll be back later to steal dessert.

Look at the upside... we
got rid of that old tofu.

VANESSA: She is gonna

break his sweet, sensitive heart.

Listen, you know what?

I've had a lot of marketing
meetings with that woman.

- She's a lot of talk.
- What do you mean?

I think the lady doth whoop too much.

Look, what-what are we gonna
do? What are we gonna do?

What am I gonna do? Listen,
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

- Okay.
- I'm gonna show you how, how I peel an onion.

- Okay? Watch-watch this.
- All right, all right...

Hey, Cees, could you come in here

- a minute before you go?
- No, no, no, no, no, no!

When I said what are we gonna do
I meant what are you gonna...

Look, she probably has a knife!

What's up, Bax, huh?

But make it quick,
because Joe and I still got

a whole lot of holler left
in this night, you know?

Whoop whoop!

Listen, listen, there's,
there's some stuff

I should tell you about Joe.

Oh, like what?

I just want you to know

Joe's a player.

Love 'em and leave 'em sort of guy.

Oh, okay, but hang on, because...

you said that Joe was
a homebody and see,

now you're saying that Joe's a player?

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah.

Eats them up, chews them up,
spits them out like Pac-Man.

- (IMITATING PAC-MAN)
- Ooh. Yeah, yeah...

Right, right, yeah, yeah,
because when I said that he was

a homebody, I mean, that
was before I knew you.

And now that I know
you, you guys are exactly

the same type. (GROWLS)

(VANESSA WHOOPING)

You know, um, actually,

uh, I should make this an early night.

(STAMMERS) I didn't mean
to offend you or anything...

certainly didn't mean
to scare you, 'cause you,

can't scare you, 'cause
you're a party girl.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah!

It's just that I've got a really
early meeting in the morning

and my social life is just jam-packed.

I get it, I get it.
Do you smell an onion?

- Do you see an onion?
- Yeah...

Uh, yeah, you know what,
uh, CeCe, before you cancel

your plans, you want to
give us a minute, honey?

- Just, yeah.
- Yeah, I'm gonna get outside

and do some drinking!

- Hey.
- Hey.

Thank you for agreeing to help me, Kyle.

Yeah, I was surprised to get your text.

I thought you'd still
be recording "Rye Bread"

or whatever he calls that thing.

Oh, no, I didn't stay.

It didn't feel right.

And Ryan was pretty
upset after you left.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Hey.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Uh, just closing up the pot shop

and I got the note that
the toilet was overflowing.

My toilet is flowing
perfectly, thank you.

You're free to leave.

Okay.

Wait.

I wrote the note.

I need both your help.

I'm doing a report on the differences

between American zombies and jiangshi.

- Those are Chinese zombies.
- I knew that.

- Did not.
- Did, too.

But I don't know anything
about American zombies,

and you guys know so much.

Please?

Okay, well, when it
comes to zombie movies,

N-O-T-L-D is probably
a good place to start.

What's that?

Uh, that's how annoying people

say Night of the Living Dead.

Which is not the first
zombie movie, Jen.

Uh, didn't say it was
the first zombie movie.

Did I? Did I say that?

(MOCKING): "Did I say that?"

Do you listen to yourself?

All the time.

As do 1,104 subscribers.

Oh, sorry, Dr. Laura.

Okay, so, what was
the first zombie movie?

Well, some people would
say Frankenstein.

Uh, not a zombie.

Uh, brought back to life. A zombie.

Uh, did not eat brains. Not a zombie.

Also, Frankenstein wasn't
even the monster's name.

True, technically it was
"Frankenstein's monster".

But nobody wants to say that.

It's like saying "Frankenstein's dog".

Did Frankenstein even have a dog?

I don't know, I mean, he made a guy.

Why wouldn't he make a dog?

Probably 'cause the dog
wouldn't stop licking his bolts.

You know, it's too bad we're...

Uh, never mind.

You were gonna say it's
too bad we're not recording?

KYLE: Yeah.

This is some primo "Ry-Ry".

Jen left.

You know, she's pretty smart.

Yeah, she is.

Maybe we should have
her back on our podcast.

Our podcast?

Like, Ry-Ry and Ky-Ky,
the Sci-Fi Guy-Guys?

Are you in?

Did Frankenstein's dog have wet bolts?

So, help me out here,
CeCe, because I can't shake

the feeling that there's a completely

different person under
all this... "Whoop whoop!"

What? No. No.

I mean, what you see is
what you get, you know?

I'm just a wild, banging, hipster chick.

- Yeah.
- Right.

So, then, why isn't a meaningless fling

exactly what you're looking for?

Because if Joe's a player and
you're a player, why not play?

Oh, because...

Yeah, because, because you are not

really a wild, banging, hipster chick.

(SCOFFS)

(SOBBING): No.

No, I'm not.

Well, then, who are you?

Because-because I would really like

to meet that person.

I'm just a woman

in her mid-30...

Eh!

- Late thir...
- Nope.

Okay.

I am a woman past 30...

Okay.

... who would just like
to find something real.

Well, I mean, if that's what you want,

- then you need to be real.
- Oh, okay.

Well, that's easy for you to say.

You're just so beautiful

and you have this perfect relationship.

Well, one of those things is true.

But...

my relationship didn't
start out that way.

When I first met Mike, he was this

big, stubborn loudmouth.

And then you finally got
him to reveal his true self?

Oh, no, that, that is his true self.

But, look, no, I-I was
the one who was pretending.

I-I was big and loud, too,

because I thought that's what he'd like.

Did it work?

Yeah, yeah, for a while.

I mean, he'd laugh when
I belched the alphabet.

Or did the robot dance
at a football game.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- I hear you.
- Yeah?

I've once did "the
worm" at a bar mitzvah.

- Oh.
- Just ow...

I know, eventually, it's just,
it's so exhausting, right?

- I know!
- Look, I had to show Mike

that I, I'm just a geology nerd

who-who loves curling up on the sofa

and watching old movies.

And I'm just a cat lady

who had to butter herself to
get into these pants tonight!

But what if I show the real me and...

I get rejected?

Oh, honey, look, that is why

- God made ice cream and wine.
- (SNORTS)

Yeah.

But you will never really know

if you don't take a risk.

MIKE: I hate to interrupt.

Who am I kidding, I
love to interrupt, but...

Joe finished all the
potpourri in the bathroom,

and I'm done talking to him.

Hey, I'm feeling
pretty light on my feet.

You want to hit that rave?

You know, um, to be honest,

Joe, I was thinking maybe we could just

go someplace quiet and talk.

I mean, would that be something
that you would like to do?

Yes, when I was in the
bathroom, I googled "rave",

- and-and it scared me to death!
- I know, right?

Thank you, guys, you know,

- MIKE: Mm-hmm.
- for everything, um...

- So, where you want to go, Joe?
- Well, I know a great

all-night deli that
serves terrific coffee.

And my mother works there,
so we don't have to tip.

Oh!

I'll see you at work, Joe.

Well, well, what do you know?

There was more to CeCe than I thought.

Okay, and there was more to
Joe, but there wasn't that much

to begin with, so it
wasn't a big step up.

You know, who knows?

Maybe it'll work out with them.

- Hmm.
- Hmm, so I'm pretty good at this Cupid thing.

- The big question I have about Cupid is
- Yeah?

where-where does Cupid find love?

(RHYTHMIC GRUNTING)

Get upstairs, human,

and get ready for l'amour.

You know, I got, I got to admit,

that still does it for me.
(IMITATING PAC-MAN)

Hey, Mike Baxter and a couple of
my friends here for Outdoor Man

with a few words about duck hunting.

(DUCK CALL)

No offense, guys.

Now, you can pre-heat you oven to 350,

leave it open, cross your fingers

- and hope a honker flies in.
- (DUCK QUACKING)

Or you can increase your
chances by letting Outdoor Man

outfit you with a duck decoy spread

and the irresistible
music of a duck call.

(DUCK CALL)

It might not sound like
much to us, but to a duck,

it sounds like Marvin
Gaye's "Let's Get It On".

When a duck goes for a
decoy, it ends up braised,

but when a human falls for
a decoy, he gets eaten alive.

My good friend Billy Shakespeare wrote,

"To thine own self be true".

But when it came to ducks, he
was fine with tricking them.

You know what would make you even cuter?

Listen to me.

(DUCK CALL)

A nice cinnamon glaze, wow.

- (DUCK CALL)
- Baxter out.

(CHICKEN CLUCKING)