Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 10 - Break Out the Campaign - full transcript

Hi, I'm Vanessa Baxter.

Uh...

Hello, my name

is Vanessa Baxter.

Hey! I'm Vanessa Baxter!

Didn't we cover this on our first date?

No, I'm working on my speech.

All the candidates for state assembly

have to make a formal
announcement by Thursday.

- Okay, um...
- Yeah.

Tell me what you got.



Okay...

Hello.

I'm Vanessa Baxter.

Yeah.

You know, that's the truth.

Are you sure you want
to be a politician?

You know, I just...

I can't figure out what to say.

I... I really need a campaign
manager, you know?

Somebody who's smart,
organized, knows me really well.

Well, I'm not gonna let you beg, okay?

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Carol.

So?

I accept... I thought about it,



and, yes, I will be your
campaign manager, yes!

Oh, Carol, sure, Carol.

Isn't this great?

You know, maybe it's a sign.

I mean, my first and
only choice said yes.

Oh!

Yeah, whatever, whatever.

What?

I don't know, got a little dizzy.

Must be 'cause I got
knocked off my high horse.

I am so excited to be
a part of your campaign.

I can't wait to see you kick

that old Ken Slattery to the curb.

Yeah, well, old Ken is actually

three years younger than
I am, so, yeah, okay.

Vanessa, if we do this right,

Slashin' Slattery would
have cut his last budget.

Yeah, I'm gonna get some sugar.

Speaking of sugar, you know,

Vanessa's really sweet.

Maybe her voters would respond to that.

You know, f-food for thought.

You know, honey, honey,

you can stay and listen.

I mean, you're gonna do that anyway.

Well, great.

You won't even know I'm here.

I'll just roll my eyes quietly.

Didn't you want some sugar?

Never use it.

Okay, so I think our tactic

is to focus on the mess
that Slattery created

and then just rub his nose in it.

Uh, Mike, I-I think your eyes groan

when they roll.

You might want to have that looked at.

I just don't think we can
sell Vanessa as a killer.

I mean, she-she won't
even kill spiders, right?

She catches them and puts them

in the arachnid relocation program.

Oh, that's, that's good to know.

Listen, is there a tennis ball
or something around here

he could chase into the other room?

You know what, though, I...

I-I think Mike might be right.

I'm just, I'm not that
comfortable with mudslinging.

Um, but... that's not what
you're not talking about, right?

Um, kinda am.

If the mud fits, let him wear it.

What, Mike?

This is Vanessa we're talking about.

Vanessa, not some sharp-elbowed broad

- from the roller derby.
- No, no, no, no.

No, honey, nobody's trying to make me

into something I'm not.

Mm, kind of am.

Vanessa, politics is a tough game.

People need to believe you can play it.

I don't know.

- Hmm.
- Okay, why don't we just

move this over to my house?

And, oh, thank you, Mike.

What for?

Uh, staying here.

Good morning, all.

Good morning, Ed.

"World's Best Boss".

What a great hat.

Thank you, thank you. A gift from Kyle.

And I love it!

It warms my heart to know

that he was thinking
of me while he was...

Waiting in line at the car wash.

Well, I brought a little
something for you, Kyle.

You, too, there you are.

Wow.

This looks really expensive.

Makes me wonder where
you get your car washed.

It's a special edition Krogen-Hauer.

Oh, my God!

Cardi B's husband gave her one of those

when he slept with another woman.

God, this is "I'm sorry

I cheated on you" expensive!

Come on, just-just put it on, Kyle.

All right.

Oh, wow, it's really...

heavy.

Well, that's because of the gold.

And the rubies.

You know, I-I don't think
I can accept this, sir.

But you must.

It's a Basque tradition.

You see, you receive a
gift, you give a gift.

What a wonderful tradition.

I got this pen for you, Ed.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, Mr. Alzate, I-I can't.

I see.

So, you refuse?

Mm-hmm, all right.

Okay, you know, they say, uh,

in 1793 a French general

refused the gift of a flute

from a Basque countess.

And they all lived happily ever after?

No, no, no.

It was the start of the Pyrenees War.

Thousands died.

Then I guess, uh...

I've got a new watch.

- Hey, Baxter.
- What's up?

Since Vanessa's officially
running for assembly,

there's something important
I needed to show you.

Yeah?

What are you, a bobblehead?

- No.
- Oh, I got it.

We're playing charades...
you're an employee.

An ex-employee!

No, no.

I'm a husband standing behind his wife,

being supportive.

You suck at being nice, so I
figured you needed a visual.

So, Carol told you about

the little brainstorming session we had?

Mm-hmm, she mentioned a storm.

Not so much the brains.

I still don't agree
with Carol's tactics.

But... Vanessa picked her.

So I've got to...

- do more of this.
- Oh.

What are you doing?

I'm supporting you, girlfriend.

Well, stop, it's creepy.

Uh, Chuck, will you give me a minute?

I just want to talk to Mike.

He's all yours, future assemblyperson.

So, how did the meeting with Carol go?

Let me say this first...
I was thinking about it,

I think you're right to pick her.

I fired her.

Ah, good, 'cause she was dead weight.

Yeah, she was.

Great, great. I'm glad you fired her.

You know, I didn't want to say anything,

but that brainstorming session...

way too much storm, not enough brain.

Well, I just didn't like the
direction she wanted me to go.

Hmm, well, you know what I'm hearing?

I'm hearing,

"Mike, would you be
my campaign manager?"

And once again, I'm
not gonna make you beg.

Well, you know, you do know
me better than anybody else.

And-and you are a marketing guy.

Marketing genius... words matter.

Okay, genius.

Uh, so how-how would you sell me, Mike?

What would your strategy be?

All right, first off, I
wouldn't go with bulldog.

- Okay?
- Mm-hmm, okay.

If we're going that way, how about

a beautiful Irish setter,

and not the kind that
slobbers all the time.

I'm not hearing the genius part.

Give me a chance. I'm gonna come up

with some great ideas for your speech.

Okay, all right, um...

Uh, look, just no, no
references to Reagan.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Or Elway.
- Ooh...

O-Or that orangutan from
the, the Clint Eastwood movie.

You're taking all the
colors off my palette.

Alexa, how many soldiers died

in the War of the Pyrenees?

There were 27,374 combatants killed.

With 20,844 killed from the side

of the Kingdom of France,
Portugal and Spain.

And 6,530 killed from the
French First Republic.

How many of them were wearing watches?

Hi, babe.

You're making dinner.

I thought we were gonna order a pizza.

Yeah, not a chance.

Oh, hello, strange delivery man.

Let me take that pizza from you.

Why, yes, this is a Krogen-Hauer.

Stabbed... you're a widow.

Okay, this watch is making you crazy.

Maybe you should take it
off for a little while.

What, and put it where?

On the windowsill like a pie,

where any hobo could see it?

Stabbed... you're a widow!

Is there any version
of owning this watch

where you don't get stabbed?

Oh, sure, yeah, and unicorns are real.

Wake up.

Okay, you need to settle down, honey.

Come on.

It's just too much stress.

I don't know how rich people do it.

Well, a lot of them wear replicas

when they're out and about,
or they hire a look-alike

to wear the expensive one,
and they get stabbed.

Where can I get a replica?

Uh, of the watch, not of myself.

Uh, downtown... they
sell cheesy knockoffs

that look just like the real thing.

I can't go down there wearing this.

I'll end up like Batman's parents.

Let me guess... they were stabbed?

No, shot.

He's an orphan.

All right.

I got the strategy all
worked out for your campaign.

You follow this road
map and you'll go right

to the State House.

This is so exciting.

A real American election.

When do we start colluding?

Uh, let's see what you have.

All right, this is your campaign
declaration speech, all right?

And then, this is at the
Gettysburg Address level,

but a few tweaks, we're right to

"We can tear down that wall".

Okay.

Oh, huh.

Yeah, I got her hooked.

Huh.

What's that one "huh" for?

Why do you need a pen?

You don't need a pen there.

Better. May I?

No, you may not.

- Ladies?
- Oh, yeah, closer, closer.

- Closer to what?
- Yeah, but what about this here?

Yeah. Oh, okay.

Oh, my God, now it makes sense.

What, what the hell's going on here?

Well, you said it needed tweaks.

I was being modest.

Like when you compared it
to the Gettysburg Address?

Look, I'm sorry, Mike.
I'm just trying to find

a tone that feels right for me.

I mean, you had me say
"care" an awful lot.

Let's put a pin in the
speech for a minute.

I can make some adjustments.

Moving on, I think we need a slogan.

Right? On a bumper sticker.

Real simple. I've got some here.

"Baxter... Better Schools
for a Better Tomorrow".

Mm.

All right. "Baxter...
Putting Students First".

But you got the right finger up.

Make sure you got the
right finger, right?

"Baxter..."

Nah, you... No, no, no. They're great,

they're all great, but, you
know, I'm-I'm just starting

to feel like I don't
really want a slogan.

You got to have a
slogan. Everybody had one.

Clinton had a famous
one: "I'd like to touch

each and every one of you".

All right, look, you know what,

I mean, if-i-if I did have a slogan,

it would be something like, uh,

uh, "Baxter..."

Okay.

"Uh, she understands...

the-the real needs

of-of-of Colorado's teachers...

oh, and students, uh,

um, uh, many of which

are the result of-of
chronic underfunding".

Wow.

I liked it.

- Okay, l-let's forget about the slogan.
- Okay,

look, honey, the issues
are just way more complex,

and my ideas are too
nuanced to fit onto a bumper.

"Mr. Baxter... Back
to the Drawing Board".

Listen, marketing is what I
do. If you don't like the way

I'm doing it, maybe... maybe we
shouldn't be working together.

- Okay. Yeah, you're right.
- All right.

- You're right.
- Thanks, baby, thanks.

- Yeah, yeah.
- All right.

Yeah, you know what?

We shouldn't work
together. You're fired.

Don't feel bad, Mr. Baxter.

I thought what you
wrote was a good start.

Oh, look at this bumper sticker...

I thought this was a great one.

"Honk if you can exchange
my exchange student".

Thanks for coming over for coffee.

I've even given you my favorite mug.

Aw.

I'm busy. Why am I here?

So, the principal gets
right to it, doesn't she?

My day is an assembly line of jackasses.

It's just your turn
on the conveyor belt.

I just think it's weird
that she fired both of us.

Oh, come on, you didn't
really think it was weird

until she fired you.

Correct.

Because you're perfect.

Correct.

But isn't it odd that we both
came from different perspectives

and she didn't like either one of them?

Yeah, that is kind of weird.

And why is that?

Well, maybe Vanessa doesn't
really know what she wants.

Does that really sound like Vanessa?

- Oh.
- Hey.

Hey, Carol.

Mike.

- Gee, isn't this fun.
- Uh-huh.

What... what are you guys doing?

Well, we're having a little reunion.

- Did you fire anybody else, or can we get started?
- All right.

Uh, look, I-I can understand
why you're upset,

but-but I had my reasons.

Which are?

Neither of you were
saying what I want to say.

Which is?

I know what I want to say.

I just don't know how to say it.

Do what I do... just open your mouth,

and stuff comes out.

I don't get it, Vanessa.

You were a high-powered executive.

You run your own
successful tutoring company.

You've never been afraid
to speak your mind before.

- Well, this is different.
- Why?

Because if I say it
wrong the first time,

by the time I say it right,

I-I'm afraid no one will be listening.

Wow. You just turned this into
the most important speech ever.

Good luck with that.

Look, don't think of it as a speech.

Whenever you talked about
why you wanted to do this,

it just made sense... so just talk.

Or, like I said, just
talk until it comes to you.

And when the jackass on
the conveyor belt is right,

he is right.

Hey, guys. Fire drill today at 4:00.

And then a review at 4:30.

Wow. Nice watch, Kyle.

Thanks, Chuck.

This is a gift from the
World's Greatest Boss.

Oh, wait, Ed got you a-a Krogen-Hauer?

You're damn right. I'm glad to see

you're getting used to wearing it, Kyle.

Yeah, yeah, I decided to wear the watch

and not let the watch wear me.

That is a handsome watch.

Let me get a closer look.

- Yeah, here you go.
- Yeah. Wait.

Okay, okay, let me see it
a little bit closer, Kyle.

You know, it's better from a distance.

You know, in fact, I
wish my arm was longer.

Come on, show the man
the goods. Come on...

So, yeah, this is what it would
look like if I was swimming.

Ah, it's pretty standard.
Just, you know, numbers,

hands, solid gold.

Uh...

this says "Krappen-Haller".

This is a fake, Ed.

Let me see that.

Braised brisket à la mode,
I've been swindled.

Are you sure? I mean, even
watchmakers make typos.

- I'll put that jeweler out of business.
- No.

Don't. Don't.

I got this downtown for $20.

Mm. I could've got you a Crolex for ten.

Did you pawn the watch, Kyle?

What's got you, son?

The ponies? The pills? Come on.

No, it's-it's hidden away at home.

It made me too nervous to wear.

I'm not a fancy watch kinda guy.

Ketchup? Yeah.

All right, I'll-I'll take it back.

I'll keep it until such time
that you want to wear it again.

I just wanted you to know how...

how much you mean to me, that's all.

I don't need a watch to know that, sir.

You know, I would have no trouble at all

wearing a fancy watch.

Well, can I interest you
in a, uh, Krappen-Haller?

- Hmm.
- Just a word of warning,

it will turn your wrist green.

I'll take it.

My brother-in-law is
retiring next month.

He's the cheap S.O.B.
who gave me the Crolex.

Mike. Mike.

Do you think we inspired
her or crushed her spirit?

- Vanessa?
- Yeah.

I've never seen her this confident.

What was I thinking
in writing this myself?

It doesn't make sense.

Do-do you, do you still have

that crappy speech you wrote for me?

Honey, you're gonna be
fine. You got plenty...

Yeah, no, no, what do you
know? Carol, Carol, uh, um,

g-give me some mud to sling at Slattery.

Something like, uh,

"His mama is so fat", and
then you, "How fat is she?"

N-No, baby, that's not your brand.

See, this is why I fired you two.

- Vanessa?
- What? What?

What-what is it? What do you want?

I just wanted to say
I'm so proud of you.

Because where I come from,

what you're about to do is a dream.

Thanks.

Thanks, Jen.

Okay, uh...

Uh...

uh, uh, so, uh, thank you so much

for joining me today.

Uh...

people ask why I am
running for state assembly,

and I want to run

because I understand...

the real needs...

o-of Colorado's teachers.

Oh, and students.

This is not a good start.

Honey, no bumper stickers.

You know... let me, let me start over.

Um...

You know, I-I...

I have so many memories
of being at this school.

I mean, my three girls
graduated from this school,

and-and I have another one

who's about to do the
same thing this year.

Look, I-I-I recognize a lot of you.

You-you have all been
here for your kids, too.

Because...

because that's what we do
for our children, right?

I mean, we want to help them.

We-we want to encourage them.
We... we want to tell them

we believe in them.

And-and that's what I want

from the people in the
state assembly, too.

And i-if they're not gonna
do that, then you know what?

It's time to make way
for someone who will.

Look, do I have all the answers?

I can't promise you that, but...

but I will listen to you

and I will work with you

and I-I will do everything
I can to find those answers.

That I can promise you.

So I am here today

to ask you to please help
me start this process.

Because our kids...

are worth it.

And that's why I want to
run for state assembly.

So, hello.

My name is Vanessa Baxter.

Damn. It did come to her.

For a jackass, you are pretty smart.

Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man,

and a word about Gestalt theory.

Or, as it's summarized,

"The whole is more than
the sum of its parts".

Like chocolate and peanut butter. Mmm.

Or... peanut butter and jelly.

Uh, or peanut butter and marshmallow.

Damn, peanut butter's
got range, doesn't it?

History is filled with combinations

that made each other better.

Alexander Hamilton,
James Madison and John Jay

were all decent solo artists,
but when they got together,

they created The Federalist Papers.

Now, that's an album that holds up, boy.

Speaking of sweet
sounds, Reginald Dwight...

good piano player.

Bernie Taupin... quite a wordsmith.

Each part was pretty good,

but together, Elton freakin' John.

Sadly, sometimes it goes the other way.

The whole is less than
the sum of its parts.

In sports, this has come to be known

by the term "Cleveland Browns".

Yeah, some combos just don't work.

And in a political campaign,
the team has to add up

to more than what
each individual brings.

Because if all you can come up with

is putting an exclamation
point after the word "Jeb",

well, those parts will add
up to a crushing defeat...

exclamation point.

But if you can make your candidate

as likable, say, as...

our protein peanut butter bars...

the result is a delicious victory.

One of these can sustain you

during a long sit in a deer stand.

But, damn, you got to
bring along some milk.

Ba...

Baxter out!