Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 7 - The Dad Hat - full transcript

The parachute Adams
is your classic fly.

Now, the key is to stack
your calf body hair

to make your post.

See, Boyd? This is why
I prefer to just shoot fish.

Can we?

No, we're not gonna
shoot any fish.

You're not helping.

I'm trying to teach you
about Patience here.

Well, then, get to it!

I don't like
being patient.

Nobody does.
It's a learned skill.



What do we call people that
go willy-nilly through life,

just doing things
because it feels good?

Democrats.

Attaboy.

Hey, Kyle,
found your phone.

Oh, thanks.
I knew I left it in your car.

Ooh, I have eight
text messages.

Oh, t-those are from me.
Don't read that.

"Good night, Kyle."

"I said,
'good night, Kyle.'"

"where are you, Kyle?"

"Are you with that girl
who lives across the hall?"

"If you're not with that girl,
text me."

"I knew it!
You bastard!"



"Oops, I just found
your phone.

L.O.L.
I love you."

Wow. That was the worst fight
we ever had.

Kyle, for Wendi.

Okay.

I'm hoping this week
is the week.

I thought you and Wendi
broke up.

Oh, they did.

She wants nothing to do
with him.

Yeah, but he sends her flowers
every week

in a desperate attempt
to win her back.

Thank you, Kyle.

But, um,
if Wendi isn't interested,

why do you keep
sending her flowers?

I'm hoping
she'll come to her senses

and want to get
back together again.

I can help you, Ed.

I have some experience
as a love doctor,

and, um...

All right.

...I'm willing to make
a house call to Wendi.

All right,
then have at it.

But be careful.
She's a biter.

God, I miss that
about her.

Slow down.

Is that really true?

Yep. They just float
to the top,

and you scoop them up
with a net.

We're not fishing
with hand grenades.

[ Knock on door ]
Come in.

Oh, I am sorry. Mike,
you got a second? Yeah.

Go get the rest
of the fishing gear.

Fishing gear --
no weapons.

Now I understand why people
drink when they fish.

What's up, Ed?

Dallas.
We've got a problem.

[ Chuckles ]

It's actually
"Houston, we got a problem."

But, uh, nobody
says that anymore.

The manager
of our Dallas store

just fired the consultant
of our outdoor man grill.

Another one?

What, are they throwing
these guys up in the air

and going, "pull"?

That store opens in a month.

We need to get
the right person in there.

I need you to please fly
to Dallas and hire somebody.

That's my anniversary.
Vanessa's gonna hate that.

Oh, I'm sorry,
but what better gift

to give the lady
who spent 30 years with you

than your absence?

Our marriage works

because Vanessa
likes spending time with me.

I probably lost you on that
"our marriage works" part.

You never had me.

But, uh,
you're going to Dallas.

-- Captions by vitac --

hey! Ooh!

How was fishing?

It was all right.
I caught a nap this big.

Your mom's gonna be here
pretty soon.

You've got to go wash up,
okay?

Do I have to?

You pick your nose
with those dirty fingers,

worms will lay eggs
in your brain.

I don't pick my nose.

Well, then, you have nothing
to worry about, do you?

Ooh!

[ Laughs ]

Did you get my text?

No.

Ed wants me to go to Dallas
this weekend.

What?
It's our anniversary.

Has it been a year
since I forget it last year?

What is going on
in Dallas?

They fired
one of our consultants --

another one -- that we're doing
for the outdoor man grill.

That guy is Texas toast.

The man lost his job,
Vanessa.

Sorry.
[ Chuckles ]

Uh, so, what, you're gonna
just hire somebody else?

Well, we figure
if I go down there,

the manager will try
a little harder to play ball.

Or run me over
in his 4x4.

Kind of a hard guy
to read.

Hi, guys.

Hi, sweetie.

How'd my little
fisherman do?

You know, if he'd stop screaming
every time he saw a fish,

we might actually
catch one.

I'm going to check
flights to Dallas.

Okay.

Flights?
What's going on?

Well, there is a problem
with the restaurant in Dallas.

Oh, man, I should have said,
"Dallas, we have a problem."

Please tell me they fired
another consultant.

A man lost his job,
Kristin.

Sorry.

No, what I mean is,

dad should hire me
as the consultant.

Look what I've done with the Denver grill.
Well, I don't know.

I mean, your dad said
it's a real mess down there.

Yeah, I know, I know.
I've heard, okay?

But that is not
gonna stop me.

But outdoor man
has 20 stores.

If I can open the place
in Dallas,

maybe I can open a restaurant
in every branch.

Well, it would certainly be
a big step for your career.

And dad has shown
so much faith in me,

and I would love to help him
with this.

This could be huge!

I'm so excited!
My baby going to Texas!

Aw!

Oh! [ Laughs ]

Dallas,
we do not have a problem.

Are you sure
you're ready for this?

Kyle, I'm a love doctor.
It's a real thing.

[ Doorbell rings ]

This is usually when Wendi
yells, "go away, Kyle."

My self-esteem
takes a huge hit.

But then the mailman walks by
and says, "good morning,"

like he really wants me
to have one.

That helps.

[ Doorbell rings ]

You opened the door.

This is great
for my self-esteem.

Save it, Kyle.

I only opened the door
because I saw Mandy out here,

and I was worried that something
might have happened to Ed.

Something did happen,
Ms. Grayson.

Somebody broke his heart.

But it wasn't
a heart attack.

-No.
-Okay, bye.

No, wait! Listen.

At least
take the flowers.

Ed went to a lot of trouble
handing them to Kyle.

If he would have paid
this kind of attention to me

when we were together,
we might still be together.

You need to give him
a chance to explain.

Look, it's obvious
you still love him.

You came to the door because
you were worried about him.

[ Chuckles ]
Yeah. I'm a human being.

He's okay, right?

I mean, you can't go by
what he says.

You got to look him over.

Just have dinner
with him.

I can tell
he has deep feelings for you.

You can see it
in his eyes.

It's really strong
in his good eye.

What?

All right,
if having dinner with him

will stop this cavalcade
of flowers,

I guess I can do it.

Great. And that leaves you all
day to work on that attitude.

Let's go, Mandy.

Remember, Mr. Alzate
said she's a biter.

Hey. Read my mind.

Oh, one's for you.

Well, you almost
read my mind.

[ Chuckles ]
You busy?

I'm a very important guy, kris.
I'm always busy.

What can I do for you?

I heard you need to hire
a new consultant

for the grill in Dallas.

I have
the perfect candidate.

You know Chuck Norris?

It's me.

Oh.

Kind of a letdown
after the Chuck Norris thing.

Um, you know, honey,

I don't think
that's a very good idea.

What? Why not?
Come on!

I can handle some Texas
good ol' boys.

These aren't good ol' boys.
These are Texas bad ol' boys.

You heard the term
"sweating bullets"?

They actually sweat bullets.

I know
it's going to be tough.

But I am ready
for this challenge, dad.

Come on.
Give me a shot.

I appreciate you
trying to help me out,

but I'm not gonna send
my little girl

into that wood chipper.

I am not your little girl
anymore.

You don't
have to hold my hand.

Look, you're not
going down there.

That's it.

Who's saying this --
m-my boss or my dad?

Because my boss
would let me go down there

and try and prove myself.

But I-I don't think he can,

because my dad
is trying to protect me.

He sounds like a terrible guy,
your dad.

Well, if you are not gonna let
me take chances in my career,

it's gonna hold me back.

Sometimes, I wish that you
were my dad or my boss,

but, you know, not both.

Yeah?

Sometimes I wish
you were my daughter

or a pain in the ass,
not both.

I understand, Kristin.

Of course you're upset.

All right.
I love you, too.

You, uh -- you want me to give
your love to your father?

All right,
I will anyway.

I just don't
understand you.

If you'd had the guts
to say that to the gardener,

we'd still have that hedge
out front.

Kristin could do a good job
in Dallas!

She's an intelligent,
creative, capable woman.

Just like her mother.

Oh, no, no, no.

You're not gonna get out of this
by complimenting me.

Why? You look great
when you're all steamed up?

[ Sighs ]

[ Laughing ]
Stop, stop.

Now, wait, hey.

My point is,

it is hard enough
for women to get ahead.

You can't hold Kristin back

just because you're her dad
and you want to protect her.

If I weren't her dad,

she would have been fired
maybe eight months ago.

What? Why?

You're always saying
she's doing a great job.

Yeah, as the manager.

But putting together
a restaurant's more complicated.

She dropped a lot of balls
I had to pick up.

Well, she didn't
tell me that.

She didn't tell you that
'cause I never told her that.

Well, since when are you so shy
about telling the truth?

I mean, there's a reason
why I never ask you

if I look fat
in my skinny jeans.

Because you make every pair
of jeans look like skinny jeans.

[ Laughing ]
Just stop.

Look, all I'm saying
is you are always telling me

how the kids need to learn
to take their lumps.

Yeah, but in kris' case,

I thought she'd taken
enough lumps.

And she was just getting
her confidence back,

and I didn't want to take that
away from her.

You're a good dad.

I know, but does that make me
a lousy boss?

The thing with Mike the boss
and Mike the dad

and Mike the person

is he's always
talking straight to people.

And then he lets them
make their own choices.

Yeah, Mike's a terrific guy,
isn't he?

Yeah.

Is that all you got
out of that?

I'll call kris.

Good. Ah! Okay.

You can compliment me
more now if you want.

You know,
I don't like to waste it

unless you're really
mad at me.

Hey, check it out.

Wow!

Yeah. Mr. Alzate wore this suit
in his third wedding.

Like my third wife,
it's beautiful and expensive.

The difference is,

I get to take it
to the cleaners.

Okay, uh...

Something's missing.

What is it,
what is it?

Oh, Kyle,
you're gonna kill me.

Flowers.

Oh, no worries.

I love getting flowers
for other people.

And I don't care that nobody
ever gets me flowers.

But if they did --
hint, hint -- daffodils.

Kyle, flowers.

Okay.

All right. I tried to make it
as romantic as possible,

but it's a little hard
with all the dead animals.

[ Laughs ]
You've done great.

The important thing
is that I get to tell Wendi

how I truly feel
and give her this.

Oh! That's so...

Ordinary.

This is a special swan,
Mandy.

Yeah, we saw it at a flea market
in new Mexico

when we were
deeply in love.

She admired it,
so when she wasn't looking,

I bought it.

I was going to give it to her
for her birthday,

and then she --
she broke up with me.

And tonight,
you're finally giving it to her.

That's so sweet.

I'm gonna smash it
right in front of her smug face.

Uh...Come again?

Well, she broke my heart,
so I'm gonna woo her back

and break hers
like a cheap glass swan.

That's terrible!
No wonder she bit you!

I've been plotting this
for months.

Revenge is a dish
best served cold.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

I did all of this so you two
could patch things up.

And I can't thank you enough,
Mandy.

Listen, Ed, I have a confession
to make, okay?

I am not actually
a doctor.

Oh.

But I do know love,

and I can see
that you still love Wendi.

It's -- it's just
an Ember now,

but if you fan it,
you can turn it into a flame.

Well, your work
is done now, Mandy.

I'll take it from here.

I'm not gonna let this happen.
I'm gonna tell her.

That's very brave of you,
knowing I spend months

plotting revenge
against people who wrong me.

Hello, Eddie.

Hi, Wendi.

Come in, please.

Everything looks
so beautiful.

Well, thanks to Mandy.

She wants to make sure
we have the perfect evening.

Don't you, Mandy?

Yes.

But if one of the dishes
is cold, it's not my fault.

What the hell
are you doing?

Oh, I'm making a bouquet
for Mr. Alzate to give to Wendi.

I'm trying to pick flowers
that say "take me back."

You know what these flowers
are saying right now?

"Put me back
or you're fired."

Hey, kris,
can I talk to you for a minute?

Uh, absolutely,
Mr. Baxter.

But, uh, I think "kris"

is a little familiar
for the workplace.

From now on, I would prefer
"Mrs. Vogelson."

Yeah. It's smart to pick
the name they call you at work.

If you leave it up to them,
you will not be happy.

We are having a conversation,
bonehead.

[ Chuckles ]
I picked that one.

I found the others to be,
uh, a bit pejorative.

Listen, I know it's hard
to separate

your role as my boss
from your role as my father,

so I'm just trying
to make it easier.

All right, kid,
I understand what you're doing,

but can you go with something
else besides "Mrs. Vogelson"?

That sounds like
bad fish sticks.

The important thing is,

from now on at work,
I am no longer your daughter.

Okay. Got it.

But right now
I want to put my dad hat on.

You're the boss,
Mr. Baxter.

Not Mr. Baxter.
I'm your dad right now.

And as your dad,
I do want to encourage you

to push yourself,
to take risks.

So if you really think
you can do this job in Dallas,

I say you go for it.

Are you serious?

Yes, absolutely.

Oh, my god!

Dad, that's --
that's fantastic!

Oh, no. No hugs.

I-I just put
my boss hat on.

And if you'll notice,

I have got it turned around
to look younger.

And as your boss,
I want to let you know

that when you set up
this restaurant,

you made some mistakes
that I had to cover for.

I never heard about that.

That's generally what they mean
by "covered for."

Kristin, you missed
a bunch of deadlines.

You didn't return calls.
You pissed off the inspectors.

They pissed me off.

Right, they piss everybody off.
They're inspectors.

Do you know
how I handle them?

I'm nice.

Do you have any idea how hard
it is for me to be nice?

[ Chuckles ]

I'm getting a little picture
right now.

If I did such a bad job,
why don't you just tell me.

Well, I was trying
to be nice.

And do you realize how hard
it is for me to be nice?

So you're afraid
that I'm going to make

the same mistakes
in Dallas?

You go down there,
and you mess up,

they're gonna fire you,

and there's no hat I can put on
that will help you.

I understand.

Can I think about it?

I want you
to think about it.

Then I want an answer from you
as soon as possible,

Mrs. Vogelson.

I hear laughter.

It sounds like
they're having a good time.

Are you sure Mr. Alzate's
secretly the devil?

I don't know.
He could just be a helper.

Like the Santa thing.

I don't know.

I think Mr. Alzate's
a good man.

He wouldn't hurt anybody
on purpose.

Except for that time he threw me
off a raft for whistling.

[ Both laughing ]

Nobody could ever make me laugh
the way you do, Eddie.

Well, I keep a joke book
in the John.

[ Laughs ]

I spend a lot more time there
these days.

Oh, I love it
when you flirt with me.

I have something for you.

Is that from New Mexico?

Yep.

You bought that for me?

I didn't think you were paying
attention when I pointed it out.

You were so busy saying,

"if this is New Mexico,
I'd hate to see the old one."

[ Laughs ]
I remember that.

And now I'm going to --

wait.

You're not gonna
believe this.

I got you something too.

Come on.

This is from
that same flea market.

[ Laughing ] Yeah.

I knew you wanted it.

You couldn't stop
playing with it.

Well...

Well, who could?

Clothes on...

Clothes off.

Come on.
This is the greatest thing ever.

[ Laughs ]

[ Chuckling ]
Look at that.

Oh, look at the two of us
getting along.

I miss this.

It makes me wonder
why we ever stopped.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, I remember.

Yeah, you dumped me.

Well, I'd really like
to give it another try.

What do you think?

I'll tell you
what I think.

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Gasps ]
He broke the swan!

This is worse
than the raft.

Ed, I can't believe you --

you're kissing.

[ Clears throat ]

I can't help it.
My embers got fanned.

This one came leaping
across the table.

Look, we broke
a wine glass.

Aw! I'm sorry.
I thought --

wait, look.
Look what Eddie got me.

[ Gasps ]
That's so...Beautiful.

I know.

Look, a lady
in a bathing suit.

Oh. I'm sorry, ma'am.

[ Knock on door ]
Come on in.

Okay. That's great.
Thanks.

Can I talk to you
for a second?

Sure.
Which hat are you wearing?

The daughter hat
or the employee hat?

I am wearing
my daughter shoes.

I don't look so good
in hats.

I always have time
for my kid.

Just take an hour
off your time card.

I was all set to tell you
how unfair it was

that you hid my screw-ups
when we were opening the grill.

But I realized that anybody else
would have been fired.

So here's
my resignation letter.

Are you resigning as my daughter
or my restaurant manager,

'cause I'm getting
very confused.

You gave me the shot
and you helped me out

'cause you're my dad,
and I love you for it.

But from now on,
I want to succeed

because I've earned it.

You don't have to do this.
You're doing a great job.

I don't want this.

Yeah, I know.
You're gonna need to take it.

'Cause I'm putting on
my business shoes now.

I would like to submit
my résumé

for the newly vacated
manager's job

you have here
at the grill.

Look at that.
It's a real résumé.

You really like your symbolism,
don't you?

I think you will find
that I am more than qualified.

And I'm sure my old boss
would give a recommendation.

The guy loves
to hear himself talk.

Does this mean your new boss
can still hug you

when the night's over?

Ooh, as long as he does it
with the other employees.

I think that'll make Kyle
very happy.

Welcome back.

Okay.

Hey, but, dad,
I want you to know

that the next grill that opens,
I'm gonna want a shot.

If you think I'm ready.

I think Dallas
is just the beginning.

I think there's
a lot of cities out there

just clamoring
for weird meat.

Ed: Mikey.

I want you to be
the first to know.

Wendi and I
are back together again.

You're gonna be seeing
a lot more of me, Mike.

Joke's on you.

I was just about to poke out
my own eyes.

Mike Baxter here
for outdoor man.

Not him -- me.

You know,
when George Mallory was asked

why he wanted to climb
mount Everest,

he said, "because it's there."

And the reporter
must have said,

"thank you, sir, but I-I have
a whole column to fill."

Whether it's a mountain
or outer space

or a job promotion,

our human spirit has always
pushed us towards greatness.

It's why we have air travel,
the Internet,

and in Cawker, Kansas,
an 18,000-pound ball of twine.

[ Chuckles ]
Take that, China.

Wow.

We want to teach our kids
to go for it,

but too much ambition
can be dangerous.

Just ask
George Mallory's widow.

The tough balance
for any parent

is providing a harness
to keep our kids safe

without taking away
the victory of the climb.

Now, all we can do as parents

is give them enough information
to make smart decisions

and outfit them
in the same equipment

that this handsome stud uses.

"Mike Baxter: Rogue Nation".

Like Tom Cruise,
I do all my own stunts.

I use outdoor man
climbing gear.

Works for me,
it'll work for your family.

If it doesn't, we also sell

some pretty amazing
first aid kits.