Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - Halloween - full transcript
Halloween is so fun.
I just love seeing
all the little superheroes
before they can pronounce
their (lisping) S's.
(lisping) I'm Thuperman,
and -- and my thithter's name
ith Thpider-man.
(laughs)
Good morning,
lovely ladies.
Yo.
Hey.
Don't you mean,
(spookily) ghoul morning?
Why didn't I walk straight
to the car?
Honey, listen. I'm gonna need
you to come home a little early.
I can't decorate all by myself,
and the girls have plans.
I had plans
25 years ago.
Guess who
messed that up.
Oh, I'm going to the range
to shoot at stuff,
and they're gonna
dress up the targets
to look like werewolves.
Before they transform
or after they transform?
'Cause before they transform,
you're actually shooting people.
And now that
I'm finally legal,
I can go to costume parties
at bars
and not have
my costume be
the person whose picture
is on my fake I.D.
Don't worry, Mom,
I'll be responsible.
Oh, please.
By midnight,
you'll be puking
through the eyeholes
of your Hello Kitty mask.
Ah, joke's on you.
I'm going
as "sexy Pope,"
so I'll be puking
into my hat.
Wow. Everybody in hell
will think that's hysterical.
Sometimes I hate Halloween.
Why don't we just skip it?
No, we are doing Halloween,
Mike, and do you know why?
Girls, you're gonna see
a rare event here --
I'm gonna lose
an argument
'cause your mom is holding
the Halloween trump card --
Boyd.
That's right, and we love
our grandson... Mm-hmm.
...so as long as
Boyd is coming to this house,
we are gonna scare
the hell out of him.
You got me, there.
As long as
he's coming to this house.
Why did you repeat
what I just said?
I talked to Ryan.
He's not letting
Boyd come to this house.
What? Why not?
I don't know.
But something about the
slaughter of innocent pumpkins.
I don't know.
I don't listen to him,
but that way
we don't have to do Halloween.
No, no, no.
No, no.
Even if Boyd isn't coming,
it is still Halloween...
Honey, honey, honey. ...and
we can give out candy
to kids
in their cute little costumes
and -- and see the excitement
on their little faces.
Mom, it's over.
Yeah.
Have some dignity.
Honey, we got no skin
in this game.
Tonight's a perfect night
to watch a different game --
the Michigan Wolverines play
the Minnesota Golden Gophers.
But I already bought
all the candy.
Well, just give it
to Dad.
He steals the good stuff
and hides it anyway.
You can't steal stuff
that you pay for.
What happened to you?
You -- You used to love
dressing up
and -- and scaring
the trick-or-treaters
and now this.
What?
I'm sorry,
I'm just not ready
for my husband to turn into
some grumpy old man.
I don't think it makes me
a grumpy old man
because I don't like
a bunch of damn kids
trampling over
through my yard.
-- captions by VITAC --
(doorbell rings)
I got it.
Hey, Chuck.
Hey, trick-or-treat.
Honey, it's our first
trick-or-treater.
It's --
It's all the Pips.
Hi, Chuck.
Hey, how you doing?
Good.
I'm gonna leave this candy
with you.
It's laced
with marijuana.
Oh, I get it.
I get it.
Funny black guy
giving me drugs.
Get a funky sweater --
Bill Cosby?
It's from
your dad's pot shop.
I gave him a ride
to the airport.
On the way, he remembered he
can't take that on the plane.
I'll put it in my gun safe.
Mm-hmm.
Look at that --
drugs and guns.
I'm definitely
a libertarian.
See you're getting ready
for the big night.
Carol's pretty excited,
too.
I know, I know.
We're both gonna be witches.
Oh, so no costumes
this year?
Carol wants me
to be Denzel.
I guess a decorated Marine
can't compete
with a fake
alcoholic pilot.
Oh, come on, Chuck.
Don't you want to dress up?
I'm a grown man!
Yeah.
I just want
to put on my gopher head
and watch Minnesota
beat the hell out of Michigan.
You are a Minnesota fan.
That's right.
We should watch the game together.
No, no, no, no.
I'd love to see a gopher cry.
Come on, really.
Well, you're not watching it here.
Why not?
This house
is doing Halloween.
Great.
My place, then.
I got cable
just like you,
except I don't watch
redneck fishing,
redneck hoarding,
or redneck storage spaces.
Why do you have cable?
Thank you.
ED: Hey.
Happy Halloween, Ed.
Yeah, it's a great holiday,
but, you know,
it's really best
when the kids are little.
The smiles on their faces --
Well, it's -- it's just magical.
It's magical. Mr. Alzate,
is it all right
if I knock off
a little early today?
I have kids.
Again with the kids?
And you also have
a job.
Please,
finish unloading the truck.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, there's nothing
like seeing the excitement
on a kid's face
on Halloween.
Cherish these days
with Boyd, now.
Kris, please tell me
these guys in costume
aren't waiters
at the restaurant.
I don't want people
serving wild game around here
with a hatchet
in their head.
I told everyone
"no costumes."
I already sent the Flash
home to change,
which was over an hour ago,
so I guess he broke character.
I do not like to see
our employees in costume.
(as Ed)
Couldn't agree more, Mikey.
You know, but if, uh,
one of our employees, like say,
I don't know, Kyle,
were to come in costume,
we could let it slide,
right?
Well, I suppose
we're going to have to.
By the way, Mikey,
love the vlog.
Another home run.
We haven't posted it yet,
Kyle.
Oh, I guess I only thought
you had 'cause I'm old.
Isn't that what
you're always saying about me?
(chuckles)
Because you are old.
Yep, I'm old.
So I just smile
like the proud Basque I am --
never showing my true feelings,
never letting anyone in,
which is kind of sad
when you think about it,
so I don't.
And the cycle continues.
Uh, when Ed sees this,
we may have an employee
with a hatchet in his head.
(normal voice)
What are you talking about?
I don't think Ed's gonna think
this is all that funny.
Oh, I don't know.
I-I think he'll see past
the silly beard
and the silly no hair
and see it for what it is...
Okay.
...a loving tribute
to a great man.
I don't know. If it were me,
I'd punch you in the face.
Hello, hello, hello, hello,
hello, hello.
What do we have here?
D-D-D-Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
A zombie, huh?
You're one of those things
that was dead,
but then it comes back to life
and still looks like it's dead.
Nope.
I'm not a zombie.
I'm actually -- Don't tell him.
Don't tell him. Don't tell him.
Don't tell him. Don't tell him.
I'm you.
Ugh.
You told him.
Me?
That's supposed to be me?
That's...
I love it.
I love it. I love it!
I l-- (laughs)
Look at that.
(spookily)
This is your reward
for making it through
the gauntlet of horror.
We were going to
make it a lot scarier,
but we didn't want to frighten
the really little kids...
and we opened the wine.
(laughs)
Sorry -- magic potion.
Ah, did you see the excitement
on all their little faces?
Yeah. I mean, what could
possibly be better than this?
College football game,
according to our husbands.
You know, two grown men
sitting alone in a dark room --
Yeah.
It just seems so sad.
-Touchdown!
-Penalty!
Bringing it back!
(laughs)
So sad.
Well, I can't say I didn't
see this coming. Yeah.
I mean, Chuck never
wants to do anything new.
I tried to sign us up for
cooking class, swing dance.
Huh, I'm surprised
Chuck would need dance lessons.
Really? Why?
Well,
he just must have great rhythm.
You know,
b-because he was --
he was a Marine
and -- and --
I mean, they --
they march, so...
You can stop.
-Oh, thank you.
-(laughs)
Oh, gosh.
You know, Mike has become
pretty set in his ways, too.
For example,
in the bedroom --
Oh, my God.
Stop.
No, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
I meant, uh, the decorating.
Oh.
He freaked out
when he saw it was different.
-Mm.
-Yeah, but just so you know,
the other bedroom stuff --
got no complaints.
-Oh.
-(chuckles)
If we gonna talk about
that bedroom stuff,
I'm going to need
some more magic potion.
Oh.
I don't know, Carol.
What are we gonna do?
This can't be the way things are
for the rest of our lives.
Yeah, this is how it should be
for the rest of our lives --
cold beer, good football game,
a neighbor...
who I'm neutral about.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think it's great we've reached
an age where we can simplify.
My wife doesn't get that.
For instance, in the bedroom --
Time-out, brother.
No, no, no.
I mean, when I got back
from the road this time,
she changed everything
in the bedroom.
Oh.
Like, everything.
Carol signed us up
for cooking classes.
(scoffs)
I'd have gone, too,
except then
I'd know how to cook...
and there goes
a perfectly good excuse.
(doorbell rings)
Did you order
more pizza?
No, but you know what?
I was thinking about it.
Maybe these smartphones
are getting too smart.
We've got a line of
trick-or-treaters out there.
Someone covered my porch
with jack-o'-lanterns.
It was the wives.
You just start enjoying
something, they ruin it.
Just like in the bedroom.
(doorbell ringing)
Don't open that door.
You -- You'll unleash
a hell storm
of little Disney characters
and Batmans.
You will not
be able to control it.
Don't open the -- Oh!
TOGETHER:
Trick or treat.
The ladies
across the street
said you were giving out
the good stuff.
Oh.
They did, did they?
You know what?
They're right.
"World's Greatest Mom."
Here you go.
And, uh, oh!
Yeah, enjoy that Women Today
magazine, tiny nerd.
I see what we're doing.
Is this the wife's?
Oh, not anymore.
Well, look at that.
Now you got a master's degree
from Howard University.
O-M-G, I did such a good job
on your makeup!
I could get a job
working in Hollywood,
you know, if they ever
make a movie about Ed.
(as Ed) Makeup?
I don't know what you're
talking about, little lady.
Ugh!
No, no, no.
I don't want you to kiss me
when you look like that.
I would feel like I was
cheating on you with future you.
And I don't want future you
to be into young chicks.
(normal voice) Yeah,
but y-you know it's just me.
Yeah, my ears do,
but my eyes don't
and I hate it
when they get confused.
It's like when I see that movie
with all the talking toys
and I keep thinking
I hear my dad's voice.
(as Ed) (grunts)
Hey, there, Frankie.
You know, seeing you
bust your hump here every day
reminds me
of my old man.
I could cry.
But I won't, because
real men don't feel things.
Who am I kidding?
Bring it in here, buddy.
Hey, Ed.
Still enjoying
Kyle's impersonation of you?
No.
He's hugging
all the employees.
He's opening up both of us
to a lawsuit.
Let me help you
with that.
I may be old,
but I'm strong.
It's all the jazz dancing.
What the hell
is he talking about?
Teenage girls jazz dance.
I salsa.
Close your eyes
or your wish won't come true.
That's it.
Okay. Okay.
So, I'm a damn genie now,
huh?
Nice costume, Kyle.
This is a workplace.
Party's over.
That was a brilliant idea,
Carol --
sending those trick-or-treaters
over to the guys.
(laughs) Thank you. Yeah.
In my sorority days,
I was the big prankster.
Yeah, yeah,
one time at a party,
I got everyone's attention
and I said,
"Hey! Hey!
We're all out of sloppy joes!"
And I said, "Just kidding.
There's plenty back there."
(laughs)
Yeah, you told me that.
That's why I figured
I should take the lead on this.
Hmm, you know,
it's been pretty quiet.
I wonder where
all those trick-or-treaters are.
Well,
maybe it's too important to you.
You know,
kids can smell desperation.
There's plenty of kids
out there,
but they're just
walking by.
Lady.
Uh, this has Chuck
written all over it.
Oh,
no, no, no, no, no.
This is actually
a great thing.
Our husbands fired back.
Hey,
maybe they're not dead inside.
Yeah. Well,
we've got to keep this going.
The ball is in our court.
No, no, no, no, no.
You mean, in my court.
Because this is a job
for the Delta Delta Delta
prankster prankster prankster.
(chuckles) Looks like
the wives brought Lady in.
Ah, it's not over. Vanessa will
call at any minute and say,
"Uh,
we're out of sloppy joes."
Hey...
Chuck,
you might want to watch this.
(sighs) Man, you're on
the 6-yard line, about to score.
Why would I want
to see that?
So you can see what it
looks like when I'm happy.
Here we go.
Quick shovel pass
and they're gonna be in there.
In there!
(static crackles)
WOMAN:
Ronald, I'm pregnant.
Why did you
change the channel?
I didn't
change the channel.
Well, look at this.
Well, I wasn't --
-(laughs)
-Oh, that was perfect!
You changed the channel right
when the pass was in the air!
Chuck
was so condescending
when he set up
this phone control of the DVR.
"It's technology.
How about you leave it to me?"
How about
I stick it to you?
Yeah!
(both laugh)
I don't know what happened,
but I fixed it.
Get off my back.
All right,
all right, all right.
Got another shot at it --
another shot.
A little rollout.
Maybe just a little rollout.
Watch this. Goes -- Go --
(static crackles)
MAN: Are you sure
the baby's mine, Andrea?
I will not help you raise
another man's baby.
For the love of God,
what's happening?
I don't --
(both laugh)
Lifetime --
television for women who want to
mess with their husbands!
Please tell me
you didn't tell her
how to program this
from her phone.
No way. It's technology.
I told her to leave it to me.
We should have never
engaged them...
or got engaged to them --
see how that turned out.
Well (clears throat)
it's halftime.
We got 20 minutes to figure out
how to get back at them.
What would you rather do,
get back at them
or enjoy the rest of the game?
(knock on door)
Hey, Mr. Alzate.
I'm finished for the day.
I was thinking I might take off.
Fine.
You know, I-I'm sorry if
my impression upset you today.
I-I'm still working on
the voice.
That's not
what pissed me off.
(as Ed) That's not
what pissed me off.
Please, stop working on
the voice, all right?
The whole thing
was insulting.
(normal voice)
I didn't mean it to be.
It was meant
to be a tribute.
A tribute?
Oh, that's why
everybody was laughing, huh?
"Oh, wouldn't it be wonderful
if Ed was nice?
Ah, hardy hardy hardy.
Yeah, yeah."
But you are nice.
No, Kyle, I'm not.
I wanted to be.
(groans)
Yeah, I'd always promised myself
I'd be exactly like Mr. Finch.
He was my first boss.
I loved him.
Everybody loved him.
I mean, you had any problems
at work or with your girl,
you go to Mr. Finch.
Yep.
Yeah,
he was a caring man.
You're like that.
Well, maybe I used to be,
but, you know...
It's a tough business.
You have to make hard decisions.
You know, you fire enough guys
with -- with families,
you have to convince yourself
that it doesn't hurt.
Then one day,
it doesn't.
There's a positive.
Kyle, go home.
Go ahead.
All right, but if I only get to
be you for a few more minutes...
Yeah. ...I've got
something I want to say.
I may tell people that being
tough doesn't hurt anymore,
but it does.
Or else
I wouldn't have gotten so mad
at that loveable goofball
who was dressed like me all day.
Okay, Kyle.
And now the Ed I am
would hug you and we'd cry.
And the Ed I am
would punch you and you'd cry.
How about this?
You're a good man, Ed.
You're a good man, too,
Ed.
Oh, come on with that.
Is it weird
this feel so right?
Way to kill your moment,
kid.
(sighs)
Hey, ladies.
Hey, what are you guys
doing back so early?
Don't you want to see
how the game ends
or if Ronald gets back together
with Andrea?
Look, we just want to
watch the game.
You know, you win. You win.
We just want peace.
Oh, everybody wants peace,
honey,
you know,
when you're losing.
Let us
finish watching the game.
And next Halloween,
we'll be all over it.
I'll be Denzel
and -- and I won't even ask you
to be Halle Berry.
But I won't stop you.
(laughs)
What do you think, Carol?
Should we let them off the hook?
I don't know.
Well, w-what if
I sweeten the deal
by saying...Chuck will go
dancing with you?
Done.
Hey!
How'd you figure out
the phone/DVR thing, anyway?
YouTube.
You better watch out.
Saw a video on how to
sew a grown man into a bedsheet.
(chuckles)
Okay, let's go, Mike.
But be prepared -- My Gophers are a
second-half team. (doorbell rings)
Explains why they did so badly
first half.
-Hey.
-Trick or treat!
You guys need to
talk to the witches.
Ooh,
you look so scary!
Ooh. Eve, honey,
we're running low on candy!
Seriously? I just dumped a bag
in there like five minutes ago.
You used the candy
from that bag?
Yeah,
I found it in your gun safe.
Holy crap.
Why were you
in my gun safe?
Well, I went to the range,
remember?
I was
putting my pistol back.
Sorry I gave away
your candy stash.
Holy crap!
What's the big deal?
That's the candy I got
from Mike's dad.
It was
laced with marijuana.
So it really was
a stash.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
We gave marijuana
to children.
We're dealers!
I-I was never here.
Not too many drug pushers
get into West Point.
Where are you going?
We've got to
get that stuff back!
So you're literally gonna
take candy from babies.
Sweetie, let me get a look
inside that bag.
-No.
-Just a little peek.
Just a little peek!
For God's sake,
give me the bag!
Witches are taking my candy!
Witches are taking my candy!
What are you doing
with my master's diploma?
(siren wails)
Uh-oh.
(police radio chatter)
(gasps)
Oh, my God.
Carol, uh,
you do the talking.
Cops make me nervous.
They make you nervous?
Hey, fellas,
what can we do for you?
We've had
some very disturbing reports
about tainted candy
being handed out in this area.
Is this your house?
Uh, yeah, yeah,
yes, it is,
uh, uh, Officer...Schlumbrecht,
is it?
Gosh,
that is such a pretty name.
Vanessa,
give it a rest.
Just a misunderstanding. Nothing
really was going on here.
-Step back, sir.
-I'm not doing anything.
I'm just explaining
what's going on.
You want to talk about this
down at the station?
-No. No, I don't want to --
-Hey, hey, hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Aren't you guys overreacting?
You want to go with him,
sir?
-Maybe I do!
-Chuck!
No, you got to have a warrant.
We have rights here.
It was us, Officer.
We -- We -- We gave out
the pot candy.
She's right.
It was us.
Mainly her.
So your husbands had absolutely
nothing to do with this?
No, no, no. They were just
trying to enjoy the game.
Yes, we were just
trying to enjoy the game.
Wait. Why did you
just repeat what I said?
Because
you didn't do anything wrong,
except
mess with the wrong guys!
-(laughter)
-What?
What?!
That's right!
W-We set up
the whole thing.
These two officers moonlight
for my security company.
-Thanks, guys.
-No problem.
Call me.
I texted Eve. I told her to take
the candy out of the gun safe.
Well,
where is the pot candy now?
The candy
never left the safe.
Yeah.
You should have seen
the look on your face, Mom.
Okay.
(sighs) You were right.
Halloween is great.
Priceless.
(laughing) "The witches
are taking my candy!
The witches
are taking my candy!"
Okay.
Okay, fine.
You two got us.
But at least we got you guys
off of the couch.
And remember what you said --
Next Halloween we go all-out.
Oh, you silly witch.
Those were terms for peace!
We won the war.
Back to the game.
That's right.
(whistles)
That's it.
Come on. Everybody out.
Go home. Enjoy Halloween
with your families.
Come on. Go.
Come on.
(as Ed)
You heard me.
Wow.
You're getting better.
And if any of you
are having problems at work
or with your girl,
you come see me.
Dennis,
what are you still doing here?
You've got kids.
Yeah,
well, I also have a job.
Not anymore.
What?
I meant tonight.
Go home.
You're done.
Enjoy the kids.
Go ahead.
I'll finish unloading the truck.
I'm still strong enough...
from jazz dancing.
(normal voice) You see that?
You are nice.
Mm. When I said,
"I'll finish it," I meant you.
Come on.
I just love seeing
all the little superheroes
before they can pronounce
their (lisping) S's.
(lisping) I'm Thuperman,
and -- and my thithter's name
ith Thpider-man.
(laughs)
Good morning,
lovely ladies.
Yo.
Hey.
Don't you mean,
(spookily) ghoul morning?
Why didn't I walk straight
to the car?
Honey, listen. I'm gonna need
you to come home a little early.
I can't decorate all by myself,
and the girls have plans.
I had plans
25 years ago.
Guess who
messed that up.
Oh, I'm going to the range
to shoot at stuff,
and they're gonna
dress up the targets
to look like werewolves.
Before they transform
or after they transform?
'Cause before they transform,
you're actually shooting people.
And now that
I'm finally legal,
I can go to costume parties
at bars
and not have
my costume be
the person whose picture
is on my fake I.D.
Don't worry, Mom,
I'll be responsible.
Oh, please.
By midnight,
you'll be puking
through the eyeholes
of your Hello Kitty mask.
Ah, joke's on you.
I'm going
as "sexy Pope,"
so I'll be puking
into my hat.
Wow. Everybody in hell
will think that's hysterical.
Sometimes I hate Halloween.
Why don't we just skip it?
No, we are doing Halloween,
Mike, and do you know why?
Girls, you're gonna see
a rare event here --
I'm gonna lose
an argument
'cause your mom is holding
the Halloween trump card --
Boyd.
That's right, and we love
our grandson... Mm-hmm.
...so as long as
Boyd is coming to this house,
we are gonna scare
the hell out of him.
You got me, there.
As long as
he's coming to this house.
Why did you repeat
what I just said?
I talked to Ryan.
He's not letting
Boyd come to this house.
What? Why not?
I don't know.
But something about the
slaughter of innocent pumpkins.
I don't know.
I don't listen to him,
but that way
we don't have to do Halloween.
No, no, no.
No, no.
Even if Boyd isn't coming,
it is still Halloween...
Honey, honey, honey. ...and
we can give out candy
to kids
in their cute little costumes
and -- and see the excitement
on their little faces.
Mom, it's over.
Yeah.
Have some dignity.
Honey, we got no skin
in this game.
Tonight's a perfect night
to watch a different game --
the Michigan Wolverines play
the Minnesota Golden Gophers.
But I already bought
all the candy.
Well, just give it
to Dad.
He steals the good stuff
and hides it anyway.
You can't steal stuff
that you pay for.
What happened to you?
You -- You used to love
dressing up
and -- and scaring
the trick-or-treaters
and now this.
What?
I'm sorry,
I'm just not ready
for my husband to turn into
some grumpy old man.
I don't think it makes me
a grumpy old man
because I don't like
a bunch of damn kids
trampling over
through my yard.
-- captions by VITAC --
(doorbell rings)
I got it.
Hey, Chuck.
Hey, trick-or-treat.
Honey, it's our first
trick-or-treater.
It's --
It's all the Pips.
Hi, Chuck.
Hey, how you doing?
Good.
I'm gonna leave this candy
with you.
It's laced
with marijuana.
Oh, I get it.
I get it.
Funny black guy
giving me drugs.
Get a funky sweater --
Bill Cosby?
It's from
your dad's pot shop.
I gave him a ride
to the airport.
On the way, he remembered he
can't take that on the plane.
I'll put it in my gun safe.
Mm-hmm.
Look at that --
drugs and guns.
I'm definitely
a libertarian.
See you're getting ready
for the big night.
Carol's pretty excited,
too.
I know, I know.
We're both gonna be witches.
Oh, so no costumes
this year?
Carol wants me
to be Denzel.
I guess a decorated Marine
can't compete
with a fake
alcoholic pilot.
Oh, come on, Chuck.
Don't you want to dress up?
I'm a grown man!
Yeah.
I just want
to put on my gopher head
and watch Minnesota
beat the hell out of Michigan.
You are a Minnesota fan.
That's right.
We should watch the game together.
No, no, no, no.
I'd love to see a gopher cry.
Come on, really.
Well, you're not watching it here.
Why not?
This house
is doing Halloween.
Great.
My place, then.
I got cable
just like you,
except I don't watch
redneck fishing,
redneck hoarding,
or redneck storage spaces.
Why do you have cable?
Thank you.
ED: Hey.
Happy Halloween, Ed.
Yeah, it's a great holiday,
but, you know,
it's really best
when the kids are little.
The smiles on their faces --
Well, it's -- it's just magical.
It's magical. Mr. Alzate,
is it all right
if I knock off
a little early today?
I have kids.
Again with the kids?
And you also have
a job.
Please,
finish unloading the truck.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, there's nothing
like seeing the excitement
on a kid's face
on Halloween.
Cherish these days
with Boyd, now.
Kris, please tell me
these guys in costume
aren't waiters
at the restaurant.
I don't want people
serving wild game around here
with a hatchet
in their head.
I told everyone
"no costumes."
I already sent the Flash
home to change,
which was over an hour ago,
so I guess he broke character.
I do not like to see
our employees in costume.
(as Ed)
Couldn't agree more, Mikey.
You know, but if, uh,
one of our employees, like say,
I don't know, Kyle,
were to come in costume,
we could let it slide,
right?
Well, I suppose
we're going to have to.
By the way, Mikey,
love the vlog.
Another home run.
We haven't posted it yet,
Kyle.
Oh, I guess I only thought
you had 'cause I'm old.
Isn't that what
you're always saying about me?
(chuckles)
Because you are old.
Yep, I'm old.
So I just smile
like the proud Basque I am --
never showing my true feelings,
never letting anyone in,
which is kind of sad
when you think about it,
so I don't.
And the cycle continues.
Uh, when Ed sees this,
we may have an employee
with a hatchet in his head.
(normal voice)
What are you talking about?
I don't think Ed's gonna think
this is all that funny.
Oh, I don't know.
I-I think he'll see past
the silly beard
and the silly no hair
and see it for what it is...
Okay.
...a loving tribute
to a great man.
I don't know. If it were me,
I'd punch you in the face.
Hello, hello, hello, hello,
hello, hello.
What do we have here?
D-D-D-Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
A zombie, huh?
You're one of those things
that was dead,
but then it comes back to life
and still looks like it's dead.
Nope.
I'm not a zombie.
I'm actually -- Don't tell him.
Don't tell him. Don't tell him.
Don't tell him. Don't tell him.
I'm you.
Ugh.
You told him.
Me?
That's supposed to be me?
That's...
I love it.
I love it. I love it!
I l-- (laughs)
Look at that.
(spookily)
This is your reward
for making it through
the gauntlet of horror.
We were going to
make it a lot scarier,
but we didn't want to frighten
the really little kids...
and we opened the wine.
(laughs)
Sorry -- magic potion.
Ah, did you see the excitement
on all their little faces?
Yeah. I mean, what could
possibly be better than this?
College football game,
according to our husbands.
You know, two grown men
sitting alone in a dark room --
Yeah.
It just seems so sad.
-Touchdown!
-Penalty!
Bringing it back!
(laughs)
So sad.
Well, I can't say I didn't
see this coming. Yeah.
I mean, Chuck never
wants to do anything new.
I tried to sign us up for
cooking class, swing dance.
Huh, I'm surprised
Chuck would need dance lessons.
Really? Why?
Well,
he just must have great rhythm.
You know,
b-because he was --
he was a Marine
and -- and --
I mean, they --
they march, so...
You can stop.
-Oh, thank you.
-(laughs)
Oh, gosh.
You know, Mike has become
pretty set in his ways, too.
For example,
in the bedroom --
Oh, my God.
Stop.
No, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
I meant, uh, the decorating.
Oh.
He freaked out
when he saw it was different.
-Mm.
-Yeah, but just so you know,
the other bedroom stuff --
got no complaints.
-Oh.
-(chuckles)
If we gonna talk about
that bedroom stuff,
I'm going to need
some more magic potion.
Oh.
I don't know, Carol.
What are we gonna do?
This can't be the way things are
for the rest of our lives.
Yeah, this is how it should be
for the rest of our lives --
cold beer, good football game,
a neighbor...
who I'm neutral about.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think it's great we've reached
an age where we can simplify.
My wife doesn't get that.
For instance, in the bedroom --
Time-out, brother.
No, no, no.
I mean, when I got back
from the road this time,
she changed everything
in the bedroom.
Oh.
Like, everything.
Carol signed us up
for cooking classes.
(scoffs)
I'd have gone, too,
except then
I'd know how to cook...
and there goes
a perfectly good excuse.
(doorbell rings)
Did you order
more pizza?
No, but you know what?
I was thinking about it.
Maybe these smartphones
are getting too smart.
We've got a line of
trick-or-treaters out there.
Someone covered my porch
with jack-o'-lanterns.
It was the wives.
You just start enjoying
something, they ruin it.
Just like in the bedroom.
(doorbell ringing)
Don't open that door.
You -- You'll unleash
a hell storm
of little Disney characters
and Batmans.
You will not
be able to control it.
Don't open the -- Oh!
TOGETHER:
Trick or treat.
The ladies
across the street
said you were giving out
the good stuff.
Oh.
They did, did they?
You know what?
They're right.
"World's Greatest Mom."
Here you go.
And, uh, oh!
Yeah, enjoy that Women Today
magazine, tiny nerd.
I see what we're doing.
Is this the wife's?
Oh, not anymore.
Well, look at that.
Now you got a master's degree
from Howard University.
O-M-G, I did such a good job
on your makeup!
I could get a job
working in Hollywood,
you know, if they ever
make a movie about Ed.
(as Ed) Makeup?
I don't know what you're
talking about, little lady.
Ugh!
No, no, no.
I don't want you to kiss me
when you look like that.
I would feel like I was
cheating on you with future you.
And I don't want future you
to be into young chicks.
(normal voice) Yeah,
but y-you know it's just me.
Yeah, my ears do,
but my eyes don't
and I hate it
when they get confused.
It's like when I see that movie
with all the talking toys
and I keep thinking
I hear my dad's voice.
(as Ed) (grunts)
Hey, there, Frankie.
You know, seeing you
bust your hump here every day
reminds me
of my old man.
I could cry.
But I won't, because
real men don't feel things.
Who am I kidding?
Bring it in here, buddy.
Hey, Ed.
Still enjoying
Kyle's impersonation of you?
No.
He's hugging
all the employees.
He's opening up both of us
to a lawsuit.
Let me help you
with that.
I may be old,
but I'm strong.
It's all the jazz dancing.
What the hell
is he talking about?
Teenage girls jazz dance.
I salsa.
Close your eyes
or your wish won't come true.
That's it.
Okay. Okay.
So, I'm a damn genie now,
huh?
Nice costume, Kyle.
This is a workplace.
Party's over.
That was a brilliant idea,
Carol --
sending those trick-or-treaters
over to the guys.
(laughs) Thank you. Yeah.
In my sorority days,
I was the big prankster.
Yeah, yeah,
one time at a party,
I got everyone's attention
and I said,
"Hey! Hey!
We're all out of sloppy joes!"
And I said, "Just kidding.
There's plenty back there."
(laughs)
Yeah, you told me that.
That's why I figured
I should take the lead on this.
Hmm, you know,
it's been pretty quiet.
I wonder where
all those trick-or-treaters are.
Well,
maybe it's too important to you.
You know,
kids can smell desperation.
There's plenty of kids
out there,
but they're just
walking by.
Lady.
Uh, this has Chuck
written all over it.
Oh,
no, no, no, no, no.
This is actually
a great thing.
Our husbands fired back.
Hey,
maybe they're not dead inside.
Yeah. Well,
we've got to keep this going.
The ball is in our court.
No, no, no, no, no.
You mean, in my court.
Because this is a job
for the Delta Delta Delta
prankster prankster prankster.
(chuckles) Looks like
the wives brought Lady in.
Ah, it's not over. Vanessa will
call at any minute and say,
"Uh,
we're out of sloppy joes."
Hey...
Chuck,
you might want to watch this.
(sighs) Man, you're on
the 6-yard line, about to score.
Why would I want
to see that?
So you can see what it
looks like when I'm happy.
Here we go.
Quick shovel pass
and they're gonna be in there.
In there!
(static crackles)
WOMAN:
Ronald, I'm pregnant.
Why did you
change the channel?
I didn't
change the channel.
Well, look at this.
Well, I wasn't --
-(laughs)
-Oh, that was perfect!
You changed the channel right
when the pass was in the air!
Chuck
was so condescending
when he set up
this phone control of the DVR.
"It's technology.
How about you leave it to me?"
How about
I stick it to you?
Yeah!
(both laugh)
I don't know what happened,
but I fixed it.
Get off my back.
All right,
all right, all right.
Got another shot at it --
another shot.
A little rollout.
Maybe just a little rollout.
Watch this. Goes -- Go --
(static crackles)
MAN: Are you sure
the baby's mine, Andrea?
I will not help you raise
another man's baby.
For the love of God,
what's happening?
I don't --
(both laugh)
Lifetime --
television for women who want to
mess with their husbands!
Please tell me
you didn't tell her
how to program this
from her phone.
No way. It's technology.
I told her to leave it to me.
We should have never
engaged them...
or got engaged to them --
see how that turned out.
Well (clears throat)
it's halftime.
We got 20 minutes to figure out
how to get back at them.
What would you rather do,
get back at them
or enjoy the rest of the game?
(knock on door)
Hey, Mr. Alzate.
I'm finished for the day.
I was thinking I might take off.
Fine.
You know, I-I'm sorry if
my impression upset you today.
I-I'm still working on
the voice.
That's not
what pissed me off.
(as Ed) That's not
what pissed me off.
Please, stop working on
the voice, all right?
The whole thing
was insulting.
(normal voice)
I didn't mean it to be.
It was meant
to be a tribute.
A tribute?
Oh, that's why
everybody was laughing, huh?
"Oh, wouldn't it be wonderful
if Ed was nice?
Ah, hardy hardy hardy.
Yeah, yeah."
But you are nice.
No, Kyle, I'm not.
I wanted to be.
(groans)
Yeah, I'd always promised myself
I'd be exactly like Mr. Finch.
He was my first boss.
I loved him.
Everybody loved him.
I mean, you had any problems
at work or with your girl,
you go to Mr. Finch.
Yep.
Yeah,
he was a caring man.
You're like that.
Well, maybe I used to be,
but, you know...
It's a tough business.
You have to make hard decisions.
You know, you fire enough guys
with -- with families,
you have to convince yourself
that it doesn't hurt.
Then one day,
it doesn't.
There's a positive.
Kyle, go home.
Go ahead.
All right, but if I only get to
be you for a few more minutes...
Yeah. ...I've got
something I want to say.
I may tell people that being
tough doesn't hurt anymore,
but it does.
Or else
I wouldn't have gotten so mad
at that loveable goofball
who was dressed like me all day.
Okay, Kyle.
And now the Ed I am
would hug you and we'd cry.
And the Ed I am
would punch you and you'd cry.
How about this?
You're a good man, Ed.
You're a good man, too,
Ed.
Oh, come on with that.
Is it weird
this feel so right?
Way to kill your moment,
kid.
(sighs)
Hey, ladies.
Hey, what are you guys
doing back so early?
Don't you want to see
how the game ends
or if Ronald gets back together
with Andrea?
Look, we just want to
watch the game.
You know, you win. You win.
We just want peace.
Oh, everybody wants peace,
honey,
you know,
when you're losing.
Let us
finish watching the game.
And next Halloween,
we'll be all over it.
I'll be Denzel
and -- and I won't even ask you
to be Halle Berry.
But I won't stop you.
(laughs)
What do you think, Carol?
Should we let them off the hook?
I don't know.
Well, w-what if
I sweeten the deal
by saying...Chuck will go
dancing with you?
Done.
Hey!
How'd you figure out
the phone/DVR thing, anyway?
YouTube.
You better watch out.
Saw a video on how to
sew a grown man into a bedsheet.
(chuckles)
Okay, let's go, Mike.
But be prepared -- My Gophers are a
second-half team. (doorbell rings)
Explains why they did so badly
first half.
-Hey.
-Trick or treat!
You guys need to
talk to the witches.
Ooh,
you look so scary!
Ooh. Eve, honey,
we're running low on candy!
Seriously? I just dumped a bag
in there like five minutes ago.
You used the candy
from that bag?
Yeah,
I found it in your gun safe.
Holy crap.
Why were you
in my gun safe?
Well, I went to the range,
remember?
I was
putting my pistol back.
Sorry I gave away
your candy stash.
Holy crap!
What's the big deal?
That's the candy I got
from Mike's dad.
It was
laced with marijuana.
So it really was
a stash.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
We gave marijuana
to children.
We're dealers!
I-I was never here.
Not too many drug pushers
get into West Point.
Where are you going?
We've got to
get that stuff back!
So you're literally gonna
take candy from babies.
Sweetie, let me get a look
inside that bag.
-No.
-Just a little peek.
Just a little peek!
For God's sake,
give me the bag!
Witches are taking my candy!
Witches are taking my candy!
What are you doing
with my master's diploma?
(siren wails)
Uh-oh.
(police radio chatter)
(gasps)
Oh, my God.
Carol, uh,
you do the talking.
Cops make me nervous.
They make you nervous?
Hey, fellas,
what can we do for you?
We've had
some very disturbing reports
about tainted candy
being handed out in this area.
Is this your house?
Uh, yeah, yeah,
yes, it is,
uh, uh, Officer...Schlumbrecht,
is it?
Gosh,
that is such a pretty name.
Vanessa,
give it a rest.
Just a misunderstanding. Nothing
really was going on here.
-Step back, sir.
-I'm not doing anything.
I'm just explaining
what's going on.
You want to talk about this
down at the station?
-No. No, I don't want to --
-Hey, hey, hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Aren't you guys overreacting?
You want to go with him,
sir?
-Maybe I do!
-Chuck!
No, you got to have a warrant.
We have rights here.
It was us, Officer.
We -- We -- We gave out
the pot candy.
She's right.
It was us.
Mainly her.
So your husbands had absolutely
nothing to do with this?
No, no, no. They were just
trying to enjoy the game.
Yes, we were just
trying to enjoy the game.
Wait. Why did you
just repeat what I said?
Because
you didn't do anything wrong,
except
mess with the wrong guys!
-(laughter)
-What?
What?!
That's right!
W-We set up
the whole thing.
These two officers moonlight
for my security company.
-Thanks, guys.
-No problem.
Call me.
I texted Eve. I told her to take
the candy out of the gun safe.
Well,
where is the pot candy now?
The candy
never left the safe.
Yeah.
You should have seen
the look on your face, Mom.
Okay.
(sighs) You were right.
Halloween is great.
Priceless.
(laughing) "The witches
are taking my candy!
The witches
are taking my candy!"
Okay.
Okay, fine.
You two got us.
But at least we got you guys
off of the couch.
And remember what you said --
Next Halloween we go all-out.
Oh, you silly witch.
Those were terms for peace!
We won the war.
Back to the game.
That's right.
(whistles)
That's it.
Come on. Everybody out.
Go home. Enjoy Halloween
with your families.
Come on. Go.
Come on.
(as Ed)
You heard me.
Wow.
You're getting better.
And if any of you
are having problems at work
or with your girl,
you come see me.
Dennis,
what are you still doing here?
You've got kids.
Yeah,
well, I also have a job.
Not anymore.
What?
I meant tonight.
Go home.
You're done.
Enjoy the kids.
Go ahead.
I'll finish unloading the truck.
I'm still strong enough...
from jazz dancing.
(normal voice) You see that?
You are nice.
Mm. When I said,
"I'll finish it," I meant you.
Come on.