Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - The Road Less Driven - full transcript
When Vanessa and the girls surprise Mike with a 1967 Impala for his birthday, he's excited to have alone time in the garage with the car. But when the car's original owner, Joe, keeps showing up with spare parts and unwanted advice, Mike drops some not-so-subtle hints that he can do without Joe's help. Meanwhile, Mandy is mad when Vanessa allows Eve to go to a music festival - when she was never allowed to when she was growing up.
Vanessa: Ready for
your big birthday surprise?
Blindfolded?
This could be anything from
a bullet to the head
to that amazing
coke/pepsi taste test.
Well, we don't have any soda,
so good luck.
You know, the best part
about this birthday,
I don't have to be around my
horrible, annoying children.
Right here.
Love you too, dad.
Hurtful.
Yeah.
You needed to hear it.
So, how's it feel
to be a year older?
My eyesight's going.
All: Surprise!
[ Horns blowing ]
Happy birthday!
427, a big block
'67 Impala!
How did you pay for this?
I used the money Aunt Doris
left me when she died.
Well, now I feel bad for
napping during that funeral.
Well, I wanted
to get you a bazooka,
but, apparently,
there are laws.
So, you had the same car,
right?
So you were an old man
even when you were young.
Yeah, your dad had a hard time
giving that up.
But once we got pregnant
with Kristin,
he sold it so we could get
a bigger apartment.
Wow, so that explains
that look you give me
from time to time.
And I'm still not sure
I made the right decision.
Mwah.
You know, the guy
we bought it from
was so excited to sell it
to outdoor man.
Oh, you know what? He said
it might need a little work.
The, um, the something-something
is something.
Very common
with '67 Impalas.
Your present
is from all of us,
because we know how much
you love working on cars.
Yeah, we don't get it,
but we know it.
You guys love me
so much.
This is the best
birthday gift ever.
And it's another way for me
to avoid spending time with you.
Come here, beautiful.
Happy birthday to me.
You guys still here?
Yeah.
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Hey, birthday boy.
You, uh, want some company?
No, thanks.
What you working on?
Better hints.
I'm just replacing
the spark plugs.
Oh. Why?
Did they lose their spark?
Just looking for
a little Mike time.
Yeah.
Well, what about some
Mike and Vanessa time, huh?
Remember how fun that was?
You working on the car,
us talking.
I think if you remember,
it wasn't us talking.
Okay, okay, I get it.
I'll just peel out of here.
[ Laughs ]
Eve: Hey, dad!
Um, the guy
who sold mom the car is here.
Just tell him I'm not here,
please.
Too late! He heard you!
Outdoor man, that wife of yours
is one shrewd negotiator.
I opened with a high price,
and she countered with "okay."
That's how
I got her to marry me.
I'm Joe.
Joe, Mike Baxter.
Nice to meet you.
You don't have to tell me.
I've seen your vlogs.
How can you
stand in front of a camera
and -- and be funny
like that?
A team of great writers.
I'm just kidding.
It's all me.
So, what'd you bring me?
Oh, I brought you
some spare parts,
and I brought you
a commuter mug.
Hey, listen, I prefer no eating
or drinking in the car, okay?
It's an Impala.
It's not a diner.
I appreciate the advice.
Thanks for stopping by, man.
Yeah, I mean,
since I'm here,
I could show you
some stuff on the car.
I've got a lot of spare time.
I recently retired...
For the second time.
That's a great story.
Kind of a closer, actually.
So, I really appreciate it.
Appreciate the offer, though.
I'm just saying,
I'm a mechanic.
You sell fishing poles.
I also sell
handguns and ammunition.
I have a whole bunch
in the house.
You're a fishing-pole salesman
and a comedian.
You know,
if you walked into a bar
with a priest and a rabbi,
you could be your own joke.
Come on.
Should we get to work?
You know,
I appreciate the offer,
but I'm the kind of guy
who doesn't like other guys
messing with my tools.
No apology necessary.
I am exactly the same way.
Let's get to work.
Aw, man.
She's a beautiful car, Mike.
Oh, now, that's
a birthday gift.
My last birthday, Carol gave me
a blood-pressure cuff.
That's actually understandable
given that your blood type
is gravy.
That is a nice-looking vehicle,
Mike.
I still don't get
that whole old-car thing.
You said you had
a '65 'vette.
I did -- in 1965.
Pretty cool. You know
your way around a car.
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
I paid my way through college
working in a speed shop.
You mean a chop shop.
We weren't selling stolen cars.
We were selling speed.
Wait, that didn't
come out right.
So, um, you -- you -- you
had an Impala
just like that one?
Very similar, but mine had
the original transmission.
I had the m22 in mine.
The rock crusher.
Yeah.
More old-car talk.
Good. I need a nap.
Rock crusher.
That was a kick-ass
transmission.
Loud as hell.
Yeah, and if that car
had the original tranny,
it would be worth
a lot more money,
I'll tell you that.
Yeah, well,
she's a great car, Mike.
Yeah, it is.
Did it come with any extras?
Oh, yeah.
Got a big cardboard box,
a "Tonight Show" mug, and a guy.
Boom!
Just scored tickets
to the scorch music festival
in Santa fe.
Gonna be a lot of this
and even some of this!
Mom's never gonna let you go to
an overnight concert alone.
She'll have to chaperone,
which means
there'll be a lot of this...
[ Squealing ]
[ Groans ]
God. Mom dancing.
Yeah.
Take it from me --
the only way you're gonna get
mom's permission
is if you don't ask for it.
Huh.
Must suck to be Mandy.
It's great to be Eve.
Mom trusts me.
Oh, hey, mom.
So, I have three tickets to
this music festival in Santa fe.
Oh, I'm in!
Let's get jiggy with it!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Uh, actually, the tickets
are for me, Cammy, and Sarah.
But we'd have to stay overnight
on Saturday.
Where? Sarah's aunt lives there,
so we could just crash with her.
Uh, what about
your schoolwork?
Oh, I'd get it all done
before we go.
Oh, all right. Sounds good.
Have fun.
Oh, boy.
What?
Nothing. Just keep
doing what you're doing.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
For the love of god,
I know what I'm doing here.
I could rebuild a carburetor
in my sleep.
Looks like you already did.
It's ready to go.
I'm gonna start it up.
Hey, congratulations.
Hey, uh, is this important?
The main jet
to the carburetor, yeah.
How come you didn't
say something?
Uh, I said "oh, boy"
like a hundred times.
I got to
take the float bowl off now
and put this back in there.
Oh, man.
Gotcha!
You know, I carry a spare one
of those in my pocket
when everybody's working
on the carburetors.
It's my favorite gag.
Works every time.
[ Laughs ]
Yeah, that's why I take
a -- a slide whistle
to the proctologist.
Which is where
I'd rather be right now.
I'm going to get a beer.
Uh, none for me, thanks.
I'm the kind of mechanic
that doesn't like
to get hammered
when he's working on a car.
I'm not hammered,
which is pretty amazing,
considering
the last three hours.
Hey,
how about next birthday,
you just get me
a blood-pressure cuff?
Joe has got to go.
Here's a thought --
tell him.
I wouldn't want to be rude.
Mostly because
it hasn't been working.
I want you
to tell him to go.
Oh, great, yeah,
make me the bad guy.
Just come out to the garage
and say
you're fed up with all the time
I'm spending with him
and he's got to go.
Honey, he's not gonna
believe that coming from me.
I'm -- I'm a sweetie.
You have it in you.
Do you remember the Vanessa that
showed up at the block party
when the Shirazis brought
that peach cole slaw?
Peach cole slaw is my thing,
and everybody knows that!
Yeah.
Please, please use that.
[ Exhales sharply ]
Joe: Well,
that took long enough.
Apparently a bottle opener
is another tool
you're not familiar with.
It was my wife.
You know how it is.
Not really. Never married.
Lucky girl.
Look, I don't mean to be
riding you so hard
about the car, okay?
I just -- I just
wanted to make sure
you knew your stuff,
that's all.
Well, that's why
I kept you around, Joe.
Hoping
I'd win your approval.
Well, you could win something
a lot better.
Mm-hmm?
How about the rock crusher?
The Muncie m22?
You have one of those?
I have the original transmission
for this car
with the vin number
stamped on the case.
It's at my garage.
Hell yeah!
Vanessa:
Mike! I have had it!
You have been out here
night and day for the past week,
and the rest of the house
is falling apart!
Now say goodbye
to your little friend!
Get your butt back in here
and start being a husband again!
It's mostly about Cole slaw.
Good morning, Mr. B.
I don't need your attitude
today, Kyle.
I'll work on that, sir.
Okay,
you're in a lousy mood,
and Joe was in your garage
till 9:00 last night.
I'm guessing
there's a connection.
Damn right
there's a connection.
That guy's promised
to bring over the transmission
every day for two days.
It's always some excuse.
Today's excuse was he's gonna
spend time with friends.
I know that's a lie.
Sounds like Pete Zimbowski.
He was
a snowmobile distributor
who just loved
hanging out with me.
Who wouldn't?
He kept promising to show me
this prototype of a snowmobile
that was also a jet ski.
Oh, yeah.
The guy that drowned.
Yeah.
I think Joe might be
leading you on, too,
just to spend time with you.
Who wouldn't?
So he may not even have
the rock crusher.
Exactly.
I've got to find out.
This is where you come in.
Oh, please tell me
you're not gonna ask
your only black friend to
break into another man's garage.
No, of course not.
Would you?
No!
I'm gonna go check
the security cameras.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. Sit down.
That gives me a great idea.
Hey, mom, remember
that great conversation
we were having yesterday?
I'm sorry, Mandy.
I don't.
Yeah. That's 'cause
we didn't have one.
And that's 'cause
I've been ignoring you.
Thanks for noticing.
Okay. What did I do?
Okay, whenever I asked to go
on overnights in high school,
you always said no.
But with Eve, it's like,
"oh, sure, have fun!
I love you more than Mandy!"
Okay, all right, yes, Mandy,
you know what?
I did treat you differently.
Don't deny it.
I did that because you
reminded me of your mother.
I knew it. I'm adopted!
Ugh!
Oh, god, you know what?
When you compare me
with the rest of the family,
I really do pop.
No, honey.
I'm talking about me.
When I was a teenager,
I was just as wild
and impulsive as you are.
Wow.
What happened?
I changed. I matured.
And I think I turned out
pretty well.
Yeah. I mean, I'm not gonna
nitpick or anything.
All right. All right.
The important thing is,
I trust you now.
You do?
Yeah.
Because you've matured also.
I mean, look at the responsible
young woman you've become.
It's wonderful.
Oh, my god. I'm mom.
Still not comfortable
doing this, Baxter.
Come on, Chuck.
Just give him that
security spiel of yours
while Kyle and I look for
the transmission.
Yeah, anybody who messes
with Mr. B.
And is hanging around his house
is messing with me
and hanging around my house.
Maybe I'll go in by myself
and you can take Kyle with you.
No.
Outdoor man!
Hey, Joe. How you doing?
How are you?
Good to see you.
This is my head of security
at my company, Chuck Larabee.
Hey.
Hey.
And Kyle, he just --
he just asked to come.
Well,
nice to meet you, Kyle.
You didn't tell me
he was nice.
Well,
you seem very nice, too.
Oh, god.
Hey.
Come on inside.
[ Whistles ]
Yeah.
Damn!
This place is sweet!
Why did you ever want to
come over to my garage?
Well,
I'm glad you like it.
You know, it's kind of why
I never got married.
You know, no wife
could really understand
why a man would need
a place like this.
Oh, that's not true.
My wife totally gets it.
Sure.
That's why she was yelling
at you the other night.
Ooh.
Trouble in paradise?
How's that blood-pressure cuff
working out?
This is
a great garage, Joe.
Um, but, you know,
places like this,
they get broken into
all the time.
So I'd love to hook you up
with a good security package.
He'll give you a discount.
You know,
I don't need a discount.
I made so much money
selling that car to his wife,
I can retire a third time.
[ Laughs ]
Hey, let's go outside
the garage, Joe.
You know, that's where
thieves always start.
Wait, wait, whoa, whoa.
Are you saying
the thieves start outside...
Mm-hmm.
...And then they come inside?
You went to school for this,
didn't you?
Don't touch anything, and don't
be messing in my garage!
Well, isn't that
the garage-messer
calling the other guy a guy
who's messing up his garage.
Listen, watch the door.
Not here.
Not here.
Not here.
I'm beginning to think it's...
Not here.
[ Alarm blaring ]
[ Blaring stops ]
I said don't touch anything!
Hey, Kyle, he said
don't touch anything.
You already have
a security system?
Wow, you did go to school
for this, didn't you?
Why didn't you just
say something?
Because I didn't want to be
rude, Mike.
Okay, maybe that's a lesson
you should work on.
Really? Maybe you should
work on honesty.
What is that
supposed to mean?
You don't have
a rock crusher.
You just wanted to
spend time with me.
Is that what you think?
Yeah. Outdoor man.
You're starstruck.
It happens.
You make online videos
for a tent store.
You're not exactly
David Letterman, okay?
David letterman is hilarious.
And you know something?
You're starting
to bother me, too.
Get the hell out of here.
You know, if I'm not
that nice a guy,
I guess there's no reason
to stop by my garage.
Great, because watching you
work on a car was torture.
It was like having
to sit through
six of those
"Santa clause" movies.
They made three of them.
Everybody knows that.
It just felt like six!
What sounds good
for dinner?
Ah, five quarts of 15w-40
and a new fram oil filter.
What?
Oh, were you
talking about us?
I was talking about
the Impala.
It's all I thought about
today at work --
getting back to
working on the car.
Since Joe's out of my life,
it's just me and my other girl.
Okay, just me.
Hey.
When you steal a guy's car,
you better find a better place
to hide it than your own garage.
I didn't steal it.
I was putting in
your rock crusher.
Right -- what?
The rock crusher?
You -- you have
the transmission?
I told you I had it.
I figured it would be quicker
if I did it myself.
You know, your beer-drinking
just slows the work down.
Where'd you hide
the rock crusher?
I looked for it yesterday.
It was in the pit.
Pit?
You have a pit in here?
Yeah.
You have a pit.
I've always wanted a pit.
You can't have a pit these days
'cause of zoning laws.
[ Chuckles ] Obama.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know,
that's his master plan.
Invade Texas,
establish a new world order,
and then take
everybody's pit.
Okay.
Look, here's your spare key.
That's how I got it over here.
Look...
I appreciate it.
I mean, thanks for putting in
the transmission.
And if you ever want
to visit the car,
you -- you stop by.
You know, I work from
9:00 to 5:00, so stop by,
you know,
between 9:00 and 5:00.
No need to. I got my own project
I'm working on.
'67 G.T.O.
'67 goat.
Whoa.
If you need any help
wrenching it, you know,
I'd be delighted to come by.
Yeah? Need some time to get away
from the old lady, huh?
No.
Vanessa -- she's a classic.
All her original parts.
Yep, I wouldn't trade her
for anything.
So what makes you want to
come around here?
Is it our undeniable
chemistry?
What?
I don't get it.
It's this space.
This is a great garage.
It really is a great garage.
And I'm a car guy,
always have been.
No, you were a car guy.
You're a family guy now,
okay?
All right?
This is what you gave up.
Yes, I did.
Hey.
Hi.
Sounds like
you got your car back.
You heard me backing it in?
I heard you
all the way on Hudson.
Yeah, it turns out
this was just a misunderstanding
between friends.
Joe had the misunderstanding
that we were friends.
So, no more Joe?
Geez, I was afraid that
once you saw his garage,
it would be no more Vanessa.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, but that pit --
that pit is just dangerous.
Someone's gonna fall in that pit
and hurt themselves.
Damn, I wish I had a pit.
You know, Mike, we could fix up
our garage if you want.
We could
take the kids' bikes
and the Christmas decorations
out of there
and move the washer
and the dryer into the basement.
Might be the perfect place
for Mike time.
You'd do that for me?
Yeah, yeah. If you like.
Um, sure.
Just think about it.
I did think about it.
[ Laughs ] Okay.
That was a little longer
than I expected.
I will call the plumber
and have him move the laundry
to the basement.
Nah, I don't want to do it.
I thought about it, and I like
the garage the way it is.
I like having all that
family stuff there.
Okay.
Uh, what?
I'm probably
going to regret this.
But why don't you
get us some beers,
come on out the garage.
I'll work on the car
and we can talk.
That'd be great.
Good.
You, uh, sure there's enough
"vroom" for me out there?
Yes, honey, there's plenty of
"vroom" out there.
Hey, Mike Baxter
here for outdoor man.
The invention of the wheel
dates back
to the neolithic period,
about 6500 b.C.
Over 8,000 years
of accidents later,
Fred Lanchester invented
the disc brake
and put a stop to that.
[ Chuckles ]
It wasn't long
before automobiles
fulfilled their true purpose --
impressing Monica Kendall
doing donuts
in the 7-Eleven parking lot.
There was a time when I couldn't
imagine anything better
than cruising around
with my high-school sweetheart.
But then you drive your first
daughter home from the hospital,
you drive your middle daughter
home from her first school play,
and you drive your youngest
to a soccer practice.
And your beautiful wife
gets in the car,
and you think, "really,
you couldn't give me one son?"
A man might be a 427 big block.
Yowzer.
But his family is the wheels.
And he's not going anywhere
without his family.
Believe me. I've tried.
your big birthday surprise?
Blindfolded?
This could be anything from
a bullet to the head
to that amazing
coke/pepsi taste test.
Well, we don't have any soda,
so good luck.
You know, the best part
about this birthday,
I don't have to be around my
horrible, annoying children.
Right here.
Love you too, dad.
Hurtful.
Yeah.
You needed to hear it.
So, how's it feel
to be a year older?
My eyesight's going.
All: Surprise!
[ Horns blowing ]
Happy birthday!
427, a big block
'67 Impala!
How did you pay for this?
I used the money Aunt Doris
left me when she died.
Well, now I feel bad for
napping during that funeral.
Well, I wanted
to get you a bazooka,
but, apparently,
there are laws.
So, you had the same car,
right?
So you were an old man
even when you were young.
Yeah, your dad had a hard time
giving that up.
But once we got pregnant
with Kristin,
he sold it so we could get
a bigger apartment.
Wow, so that explains
that look you give me
from time to time.
And I'm still not sure
I made the right decision.
Mwah.
You know, the guy
we bought it from
was so excited to sell it
to outdoor man.
Oh, you know what? He said
it might need a little work.
The, um, the something-something
is something.
Very common
with '67 Impalas.
Your present
is from all of us,
because we know how much
you love working on cars.
Yeah, we don't get it,
but we know it.
You guys love me
so much.
This is the best
birthday gift ever.
And it's another way for me
to avoid spending time with you.
Come here, beautiful.
Happy birthday to me.
You guys still here?
Yeah.
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Hey, birthday boy.
You, uh, want some company?
No, thanks.
What you working on?
Better hints.
I'm just replacing
the spark plugs.
Oh. Why?
Did they lose their spark?
Just looking for
a little Mike time.
Yeah.
Well, what about some
Mike and Vanessa time, huh?
Remember how fun that was?
You working on the car,
us talking.
I think if you remember,
it wasn't us talking.
Okay, okay, I get it.
I'll just peel out of here.
[ Laughs ]
Eve: Hey, dad!
Um, the guy
who sold mom the car is here.
Just tell him I'm not here,
please.
Too late! He heard you!
Outdoor man, that wife of yours
is one shrewd negotiator.
I opened with a high price,
and she countered with "okay."
That's how
I got her to marry me.
I'm Joe.
Joe, Mike Baxter.
Nice to meet you.
You don't have to tell me.
I've seen your vlogs.
How can you
stand in front of a camera
and -- and be funny
like that?
A team of great writers.
I'm just kidding.
It's all me.
So, what'd you bring me?
Oh, I brought you
some spare parts,
and I brought you
a commuter mug.
Hey, listen, I prefer no eating
or drinking in the car, okay?
It's an Impala.
It's not a diner.
I appreciate the advice.
Thanks for stopping by, man.
Yeah, I mean,
since I'm here,
I could show you
some stuff on the car.
I've got a lot of spare time.
I recently retired...
For the second time.
That's a great story.
Kind of a closer, actually.
So, I really appreciate it.
Appreciate the offer, though.
I'm just saying,
I'm a mechanic.
You sell fishing poles.
I also sell
handguns and ammunition.
I have a whole bunch
in the house.
You're a fishing-pole salesman
and a comedian.
You know,
if you walked into a bar
with a priest and a rabbi,
you could be your own joke.
Come on.
Should we get to work?
You know,
I appreciate the offer,
but I'm the kind of guy
who doesn't like other guys
messing with my tools.
No apology necessary.
I am exactly the same way.
Let's get to work.
Aw, man.
She's a beautiful car, Mike.
Oh, now, that's
a birthday gift.
My last birthday, Carol gave me
a blood-pressure cuff.
That's actually understandable
given that your blood type
is gravy.
That is a nice-looking vehicle,
Mike.
I still don't get
that whole old-car thing.
You said you had
a '65 'vette.
I did -- in 1965.
Pretty cool. You know
your way around a car.
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
I paid my way through college
working in a speed shop.
You mean a chop shop.
We weren't selling stolen cars.
We were selling speed.
Wait, that didn't
come out right.
So, um, you -- you -- you
had an Impala
just like that one?
Very similar, but mine had
the original transmission.
I had the m22 in mine.
The rock crusher.
Yeah.
More old-car talk.
Good. I need a nap.
Rock crusher.
That was a kick-ass
transmission.
Loud as hell.
Yeah, and if that car
had the original tranny,
it would be worth
a lot more money,
I'll tell you that.
Yeah, well,
she's a great car, Mike.
Yeah, it is.
Did it come with any extras?
Oh, yeah.
Got a big cardboard box,
a "Tonight Show" mug, and a guy.
Boom!
Just scored tickets
to the scorch music festival
in Santa fe.
Gonna be a lot of this
and even some of this!
Mom's never gonna let you go to
an overnight concert alone.
She'll have to chaperone,
which means
there'll be a lot of this...
[ Squealing ]
[ Groans ]
God. Mom dancing.
Yeah.
Take it from me --
the only way you're gonna get
mom's permission
is if you don't ask for it.
Huh.
Must suck to be Mandy.
It's great to be Eve.
Mom trusts me.
Oh, hey, mom.
So, I have three tickets to
this music festival in Santa fe.
Oh, I'm in!
Let's get jiggy with it!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Uh, actually, the tickets
are for me, Cammy, and Sarah.
But we'd have to stay overnight
on Saturday.
Where? Sarah's aunt lives there,
so we could just crash with her.
Uh, what about
your schoolwork?
Oh, I'd get it all done
before we go.
Oh, all right. Sounds good.
Have fun.
Oh, boy.
What?
Nothing. Just keep
doing what you're doing.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
For the love of god,
I know what I'm doing here.
I could rebuild a carburetor
in my sleep.
Looks like you already did.
It's ready to go.
I'm gonna start it up.
Hey, congratulations.
Hey, uh, is this important?
The main jet
to the carburetor, yeah.
How come you didn't
say something?
Uh, I said "oh, boy"
like a hundred times.
I got to
take the float bowl off now
and put this back in there.
Oh, man.
Gotcha!
You know, I carry a spare one
of those in my pocket
when everybody's working
on the carburetors.
It's my favorite gag.
Works every time.
[ Laughs ]
Yeah, that's why I take
a -- a slide whistle
to the proctologist.
Which is where
I'd rather be right now.
I'm going to get a beer.
Uh, none for me, thanks.
I'm the kind of mechanic
that doesn't like
to get hammered
when he's working on a car.
I'm not hammered,
which is pretty amazing,
considering
the last three hours.
Hey,
how about next birthday,
you just get me
a blood-pressure cuff?
Joe has got to go.
Here's a thought --
tell him.
I wouldn't want to be rude.
Mostly because
it hasn't been working.
I want you
to tell him to go.
Oh, great, yeah,
make me the bad guy.
Just come out to the garage
and say
you're fed up with all the time
I'm spending with him
and he's got to go.
Honey, he's not gonna
believe that coming from me.
I'm -- I'm a sweetie.
You have it in you.
Do you remember the Vanessa that
showed up at the block party
when the Shirazis brought
that peach cole slaw?
Peach cole slaw is my thing,
and everybody knows that!
Yeah.
Please, please use that.
[ Exhales sharply ]
Joe: Well,
that took long enough.
Apparently a bottle opener
is another tool
you're not familiar with.
It was my wife.
You know how it is.
Not really. Never married.
Lucky girl.
Look, I don't mean to be
riding you so hard
about the car, okay?
I just -- I just
wanted to make sure
you knew your stuff,
that's all.
Well, that's why
I kept you around, Joe.
Hoping
I'd win your approval.
Well, you could win something
a lot better.
Mm-hmm?
How about the rock crusher?
The Muncie m22?
You have one of those?
I have the original transmission
for this car
with the vin number
stamped on the case.
It's at my garage.
Hell yeah!
Vanessa:
Mike! I have had it!
You have been out here
night and day for the past week,
and the rest of the house
is falling apart!
Now say goodbye
to your little friend!
Get your butt back in here
and start being a husband again!
It's mostly about Cole slaw.
Good morning, Mr. B.
I don't need your attitude
today, Kyle.
I'll work on that, sir.
Okay,
you're in a lousy mood,
and Joe was in your garage
till 9:00 last night.
I'm guessing
there's a connection.
Damn right
there's a connection.
That guy's promised
to bring over the transmission
every day for two days.
It's always some excuse.
Today's excuse was he's gonna
spend time with friends.
I know that's a lie.
Sounds like Pete Zimbowski.
He was
a snowmobile distributor
who just loved
hanging out with me.
Who wouldn't?
He kept promising to show me
this prototype of a snowmobile
that was also a jet ski.
Oh, yeah.
The guy that drowned.
Yeah.
I think Joe might be
leading you on, too,
just to spend time with you.
Who wouldn't?
So he may not even have
the rock crusher.
Exactly.
I've got to find out.
This is where you come in.
Oh, please tell me
you're not gonna ask
your only black friend to
break into another man's garage.
No, of course not.
Would you?
No!
I'm gonna go check
the security cameras.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. Sit down.
That gives me a great idea.
Hey, mom, remember
that great conversation
we were having yesterday?
I'm sorry, Mandy.
I don't.
Yeah. That's 'cause
we didn't have one.
And that's 'cause
I've been ignoring you.
Thanks for noticing.
Okay. What did I do?
Okay, whenever I asked to go
on overnights in high school,
you always said no.
But with Eve, it's like,
"oh, sure, have fun!
I love you more than Mandy!"
Okay, all right, yes, Mandy,
you know what?
I did treat you differently.
Don't deny it.
I did that because you
reminded me of your mother.
I knew it. I'm adopted!
Ugh!
Oh, god, you know what?
When you compare me
with the rest of the family,
I really do pop.
No, honey.
I'm talking about me.
When I was a teenager,
I was just as wild
and impulsive as you are.
Wow.
What happened?
I changed. I matured.
And I think I turned out
pretty well.
Yeah. I mean, I'm not gonna
nitpick or anything.
All right. All right.
The important thing is,
I trust you now.
You do?
Yeah.
Because you've matured also.
I mean, look at the responsible
young woman you've become.
It's wonderful.
Oh, my god. I'm mom.
Still not comfortable
doing this, Baxter.
Come on, Chuck.
Just give him that
security spiel of yours
while Kyle and I look for
the transmission.
Yeah, anybody who messes
with Mr. B.
And is hanging around his house
is messing with me
and hanging around my house.
Maybe I'll go in by myself
and you can take Kyle with you.
No.
Outdoor man!
Hey, Joe. How you doing?
How are you?
Good to see you.
This is my head of security
at my company, Chuck Larabee.
Hey.
Hey.
And Kyle, he just --
he just asked to come.
Well,
nice to meet you, Kyle.
You didn't tell me
he was nice.
Well,
you seem very nice, too.
Oh, god.
Hey.
Come on inside.
[ Whistles ]
Yeah.
Damn!
This place is sweet!
Why did you ever want to
come over to my garage?
Well,
I'm glad you like it.
You know, it's kind of why
I never got married.
You know, no wife
could really understand
why a man would need
a place like this.
Oh, that's not true.
My wife totally gets it.
Sure.
That's why she was yelling
at you the other night.
Ooh.
Trouble in paradise?
How's that blood-pressure cuff
working out?
This is
a great garage, Joe.
Um, but, you know,
places like this,
they get broken into
all the time.
So I'd love to hook you up
with a good security package.
He'll give you a discount.
You know,
I don't need a discount.
I made so much money
selling that car to his wife,
I can retire a third time.
[ Laughs ]
Hey, let's go outside
the garage, Joe.
You know, that's where
thieves always start.
Wait, wait, whoa, whoa.
Are you saying
the thieves start outside...
Mm-hmm.
...And then they come inside?
You went to school for this,
didn't you?
Don't touch anything, and don't
be messing in my garage!
Well, isn't that
the garage-messer
calling the other guy a guy
who's messing up his garage.
Listen, watch the door.
Not here.
Not here.
Not here.
I'm beginning to think it's...
Not here.
[ Alarm blaring ]
[ Blaring stops ]
I said don't touch anything!
Hey, Kyle, he said
don't touch anything.
You already have
a security system?
Wow, you did go to school
for this, didn't you?
Why didn't you just
say something?
Because I didn't want to be
rude, Mike.
Okay, maybe that's a lesson
you should work on.
Really? Maybe you should
work on honesty.
What is that
supposed to mean?
You don't have
a rock crusher.
You just wanted to
spend time with me.
Is that what you think?
Yeah. Outdoor man.
You're starstruck.
It happens.
You make online videos
for a tent store.
You're not exactly
David Letterman, okay?
David letterman is hilarious.
And you know something?
You're starting
to bother me, too.
Get the hell out of here.
You know, if I'm not
that nice a guy,
I guess there's no reason
to stop by my garage.
Great, because watching you
work on a car was torture.
It was like having
to sit through
six of those
"Santa clause" movies.
They made three of them.
Everybody knows that.
It just felt like six!
What sounds good
for dinner?
Ah, five quarts of 15w-40
and a new fram oil filter.
What?
Oh, were you
talking about us?
I was talking about
the Impala.
It's all I thought about
today at work --
getting back to
working on the car.
Since Joe's out of my life,
it's just me and my other girl.
Okay, just me.
Hey.
When you steal a guy's car,
you better find a better place
to hide it than your own garage.
I didn't steal it.
I was putting in
your rock crusher.
Right -- what?
The rock crusher?
You -- you have
the transmission?
I told you I had it.
I figured it would be quicker
if I did it myself.
You know, your beer-drinking
just slows the work down.
Where'd you hide
the rock crusher?
I looked for it yesterday.
It was in the pit.
Pit?
You have a pit in here?
Yeah.
You have a pit.
I've always wanted a pit.
You can't have a pit these days
'cause of zoning laws.
[ Chuckles ] Obama.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know,
that's his master plan.
Invade Texas,
establish a new world order,
and then take
everybody's pit.
Okay.
Look, here's your spare key.
That's how I got it over here.
Look...
I appreciate it.
I mean, thanks for putting in
the transmission.
And if you ever want
to visit the car,
you -- you stop by.
You know, I work from
9:00 to 5:00, so stop by,
you know,
between 9:00 and 5:00.
No need to. I got my own project
I'm working on.
'67 G.T.O.
'67 goat.
Whoa.
If you need any help
wrenching it, you know,
I'd be delighted to come by.
Yeah? Need some time to get away
from the old lady, huh?
No.
Vanessa -- she's a classic.
All her original parts.
Yep, I wouldn't trade her
for anything.
So what makes you want to
come around here?
Is it our undeniable
chemistry?
What?
I don't get it.
It's this space.
This is a great garage.
It really is a great garage.
And I'm a car guy,
always have been.
No, you were a car guy.
You're a family guy now,
okay?
All right?
This is what you gave up.
Yes, I did.
Hey.
Hi.
Sounds like
you got your car back.
You heard me backing it in?
I heard you
all the way on Hudson.
Yeah, it turns out
this was just a misunderstanding
between friends.
Joe had the misunderstanding
that we were friends.
So, no more Joe?
Geez, I was afraid that
once you saw his garage,
it would be no more Vanessa.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, but that pit --
that pit is just dangerous.
Someone's gonna fall in that pit
and hurt themselves.
Damn, I wish I had a pit.
You know, Mike, we could fix up
our garage if you want.
We could
take the kids' bikes
and the Christmas decorations
out of there
and move the washer
and the dryer into the basement.
Might be the perfect place
for Mike time.
You'd do that for me?
Yeah, yeah. If you like.
Um, sure.
Just think about it.
I did think about it.
[ Laughs ] Okay.
That was a little longer
than I expected.
I will call the plumber
and have him move the laundry
to the basement.
Nah, I don't want to do it.
I thought about it, and I like
the garage the way it is.
I like having all that
family stuff there.
Okay.
Uh, what?
I'm probably
going to regret this.
But why don't you
get us some beers,
come on out the garage.
I'll work on the car
and we can talk.
That'd be great.
Good.
You, uh, sure there's enough
"vroom" for me out there?
Yes, honey, there's plenty of
"vroom" out there.
Hey, Mike Baxter
here for outdoor man.
The invention of the wheel
dates back
to the neolithic period,
about 6500 b.C.
Over 8,000 years
of accidents later,
Fred Lanchester invented
the disc brake
and put a stop to that.
[ Chuckles ]
It wasn't long
before automobiles
fulfilled their true purpose --
impressing Monica Kendall
doing donuts
in the 7-Eleven parking lot.
There was a time when I couldn't
imagine anything better
than cruising around
with my high-school sweetheart.
But then you drive your first
daughter home from the hospital,
you drive your middle daughter
home from her first school play,
and you drive your youngest
to a soccer practice.
And your beautiful wife
gets in the car,
and you think, "really,
you couldn't give me one son?"
A man might be a 427 big block.
Yowzer.
But his family is the wheels.
And he's not going anywhere
without his family.
Believe me. I've tried.