Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - Educating Boyd - full transcript

Uh, hey, Mike, there's something
blocking the door.

Yeah, some idiot
left those in my garage.

These are all my boxes.

Oh.

Look, if I don't recycle
a milk jug, you have a stroke,

but you don't mind using
my garage

as your personal landfill.

Yeah, well, Kristin and I
don't have the extra space.

Sure you do -- out behind
your apartment building.

It's called a dumpster.

Hey, look.
My ukulele.



Yeah. Great.

Why don't you give me
a little Jimi Hendrix?

Never learned to play.

No, I mean
light it on fire.

You can't make fun
of my leather crafting,

because this is
some quality work.

You won't eat meat,
but if someone kills a cow,

you'll play with its skin.

That's just weird.

Hey. Hi, honey.
Come on in.

You're just in time
for a stroll down

Ryan's boulevard
of broken dreams.

Hi, dad.

Hey, bud.
How was school?



Bye, dad.

Okay, what did he do now?

Apparently,
he got suspended for the day

for announcing that his teacher
was [Singsong voice] boring.

Great.
That's awesome.

That's a little harsh.

I mean, the worst thing
I ever got for telling a joke

was detention.

And I -- I worked
pretty blue back then.

That was his third strike.

He keeps getting in trouble
for disrupting the class,

and I have no idea
what's going on with him.

Well, I'll tell you
what it is -- he's bored.

Yeah, no kidding.

He didn't get suspended

for saying
[Singsong voice] "interesting."

Did you talk to his teacher
like I told you to?

His teacher is the problem,
okay?

If she was doing her job,
he wouldn't be bored.

Oh, everybody blames
the teacher.

You know, but it's hard for us
to keep the kids interested

when we have to teach
to the test

and Lisa Morales shows up
in a halter top.

Put Boyd in another class

and maybe get Lisa Morales
a nice sweater.

Oh, stop that.

I can't just put him
in another class, okay?

There's all sorts of rules
against that.

But something's
got to change

'cause he's not
learning anything anymore.

Wow.
The public education system.

Imagine that --
a large government program

that doesn't work
very well.

Hey!

Despite the heroic efforts
of our teachers.

Well, luckily, I'm off tomorrow,
so I can stay home with him.

You know, why don't you make it
a day of learning?

Maybe take him to the museum
or the aquarium?

Wait a second.

We could do something my dad
and I used to love to do --

move boxes!

-- Captions by vitac --

morning, Mike.
Here are the reports.

I'll get them to kris.

Listen, you put your kids
in private school, right?

Oh, yeah.

Cost me
a lot of money, too.

Every parents' night I went to,
I picked up a new wife.

What was
your pick-up line?

"My kid's struggling
to stay in school,

much like your bosom
in that sweater."

No, mine was more like,
"hi, I'm a millionaire."

Why are you asking
about private schools?

It's for Boyd.

The only thing public education
is teaching him

is how to hate learning.

Oh, Kristin told me
about Boyd's suspension.

I didn't know that they were
planning to switch schools.

She doesn't know
about this yet.

But she'll be all right
with this.

The research is for Ryan.

I like to get
overwhelming evidence

for why people are wrong.

Ah, I see.

Well, you're a wonderful
grandfather,

and you're not overstepping
in the least.

Kyle, I need this raccoon
problem solved, like, yesterday.

Well, if you needed it
solved yesterday,

you should have come to me
yesterday.

Actually,
yesterday was my day off.

Although, I was here
in an unofficial capacity.

You know, just shopping
and loading some boxes,

a few deliveries.

Super relaxing.

What's this
about a raccoon?

There's one
hiding in the store

and raiding the restaurant
at night,

which is
a huge health-code violation.

Unless you can get him
to wear a hair net.

Raccoon in a hair net!

I am going to call
an exterminator.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No exterminator.

No, no.
This is a hunting store.

I mean,
how would that look?

What exactly
are you suggesting?

I'm not suggesting
anything.

Just keep it
to a small caliber.

I just don't want
all that raccoon blood

on the merchandise.

Okay?

Hey, love.
Hey, honey.

You're on your own
for dinner tonight.

I pulled some stew
out of the freezer.

Great, 'cause it can watch me
order pizza.

I thought
we were gonna stay home,

talk to Ryan
about Boyd's school?

Well, you're on your own
for that, too.

I have to go back to the school
for a mandatory meeting.

What kind of meeting
do you have right now?

I don't know.

Probably about the importance
of mandatory meetings.

As long as it takes time and
energy away from the students,

that's what's important.

You have to delete every one
of those pictures, Eve.

Sorry, they're already
in the cloud with grandma.

I am not breaking up
this fight.

I don't get paid
to do it here.

Love you. Bye.

I don't get paid
for this either.

They came out of you!

Eve took a bunch
of hideous pictures of me.

It's for a class.

We have to take an elective
in the arts.

I chose photography --
you just have to press a button

and let the camera
do all the work.

There's more to photography
than that.

I've taken pictures.

There really isn't.

I'm with Mandy on this.

I take a lot of pictures
for our catalog.

Every picture tells a story.

Like what, dad?

There once was a man
who wanted to buy a tent?

Or hiking boots
or a gun or camping gear.

There's a thousand stories.

Well, the assignment was to take
pictures of somebody at work.

I took pictures of Mandy.

Yeah, but she took pictures
of basement Mandy.

No one's supposed to see
basement Mandy!

That's why
she's in the basement.

Well, you know who doesn't care
about this right now

is kitchen Mike.

No one's going to see
these photos

but my stupid
photography teacher, Mr. Osgood.

Aw, Mr. Osgood
with the man bun

who used to play guitar
at lunch?

Aw, I had a huge crush
on him!

Have you seen him lately?

The only thing worse
than a man bun --

a receding man bun.

Grandpa?

Hey, there.

I went to the science center.
[ Chuckles ]

I saw a bug
and another bug and another bug

and another bug
and another bug --

great! You know who'd love
to hear this story?

Mandy.
She's out in the kitchen.

Aunt Mandy!
I went to the science center!

I saw a bug
and another bug...

You should have
seen him, Mike.

I mean, he was running around
from exhibit to exhibit,

asking me
all sorts of questions.

He couldn't
get enough of it.

I'm sure
he was running around --

the place was crawling
with bugs.

Whatever problems
he's having in school,

it's not because
he doesn't want to learn.

It's just he needs
more individual attention.

Exactly, which is why we'll
send him to private school.

Good talk.

Sorry, what?

Are we still on this?

Private schools are elitist,

and they go against
all of my principles.

Well, for once, this isn't about
your principles.

It's about what's best
for the kid.

We really aren't
a private-school family.

Well, Vanessa and I would be
happy to help you pay for it.

Well, not happy,
but we would pay for it.

Mike, I...

Listen, listen.

Look, private schools
have more freedom.

They have smaller class sizes,

and, as you
so brilliantly pointed out,

Boyd needs
the individual attention.

Okay. Fine.

I suppose it wouldn't hurt to
look into some private schools.

Don't have to bother.

I already did
all your research for you.

Ha, ha!

All right, great talk.

All right, the raccoon traps
are all set for tonight.

We just have to wait
for the bait to finish cooking.

Cooking?

Did the raccoon order
a last meal?

I know you're joking,
but if you humanize him,

it's gonna make it harder
to kill him.

And because it's so important
to catch him,

I'm making my grandmother's
beef Wellington.

Oh. That sounds like
a lot of work.

No, not really.

I didn't make the puff pastry
from scratch.

I figured
Mr. "I usually eat garbage"

wouldn't know
the difference.

Darn it,
I humanized him.

Hey, kris.
This is from Ed's office.

Okay.
Thanks.

Something smells good.

What's the special today?

Raccoon bait.

You might want to think of a
better name for the chalkboard.

Hey, listen,
uh, Ryan's coming in.

We had
a long talk last night,

and I think that he might
be coming around

to your whole
private-school idea.

Well, you know what?
Your dad can be very convincing.

Not all the time,

'cause this place is not called
"Outdoor Mike's."

-Hey, there he is.
-Hi.

Hi.

Hey, Mike.

I wanted to thank you
for your talk yesterday.

You made
some really good points.

I had a little help
from something called reality.

I was dropping Boyd off today
at school,

and he asked me
"why do I have to go back here?"

And I didn't know
what to tell him.

Kind of choking on the words
"grandpa was right"?

He had so much fun
learning yesterday,

and I realized
he's never gonna get that

in those big classes
at Clark.

I told you last night
that I think private school

is a great idea.

I know.

But I have an even better idea.
Oh, boy.

I'm gonna take him
out of Clark

and I'm gonna
homeschool him.

Hey, looks like reality and I
have a little more work to do.

You want to
homeschool Boyd?

Yes. I think it's the perfect
solution for him.

Really?

You two sitting around
in your Buzz Lightyear pajamas,

doing algebra?

Yeah, this actually
doesn't concern you.

I just came to talk to you
about it.

Yeah, yeah.
How do you want to handle this?

You want to gang up on him,

or do it in that
sneaky wife way?

Dad, I have a lot of faith
in Ryan.

Ah, the sneaky wife way.

What I'm saying is, if he thinks
this is something he can do,

then I'm open
to having that discussion.

Let's discuss it.

Bad idea.

End of discussion.

You know what?
Maybe we'll just talk about this

when you get home.
Yeah.

But I am really excited.

I think
it's gonna be great.

I'll tell you what,

public education's
starting to look pretty good

right about now,
isn't it?

Are you okay with this?

I-I'm not sure
what I am yet, okay?

It kind of just came out
of the blue.

When I was a kid,
in our neighborhood,

there was a homeschooled boy,
Tommy Clayman.

He used to carry goldfish around
in a bowl.

What does that have to do
with homeschooling?

He learned that somewhere!

I need some time to figure out
how I feel about this.

Aren't you the one
who always says

to gather all of the information
before making a decision?

There was no water
in the bowl!

I got your text.

What are you -- oh, my god.

Oh, I just figured
that I should support

your educational endeavors,

and so if you have to
take photos of me

slaving away, so be it.

Uh, here's me
pondering a sketch.

This is me leaving.

What? Why?

Eve, you said you needed
pictures of me working.

This is me working.

We can call this one "casually
laughing with a coworker."

[ Laughs ]
Stop it -- you're so bad!

[ Laughs ]

If the assignment
was to photograph

someone's descent into madness,
then I'd be all over this.

Eve, those pictures
you took of me the other day

were terrible.

Well, that's because
you were deep in thought,

which your face
struggles with.

I'm just
really stressed out

about this new line
of beaded dresses I'm making,

and the last thing
I need to worry about

is photos of me
winding up online.

It could be another
Ashley Madison disaster.

That website for cheaters
that got hacked?

No.
My friend Ashley Madison.

Her little brother
posted a photo of her sneezing.

She never recovered
socially.

She had to go to the prom
with someone who was in band.

Band!

Um, I'll be back
when you're really working.

But I am working.

This is me on the phone
with a buyer from Milan.

[ Italian accent ]
Oh, ciao! Rigatoni! Mozzarella!

Eve-a, come-a back-a!

Hey, teach.
How was school?

Wine.

And I guess
we have our answer.

Honey...

You're gonna use a glass,
right?

Fine.
Hand me the big one.

Listen, since you're in
such a good mood,

let me make it even better.

Ryan wants to
homeschool Boyd.

Homeschool?

Oh, my god.

See, that's exactly
what I said, but I...

I didn't use
the lord's name in vain.

Well, I hope you tried
to talk him out of it.

I mean,
you obviously had time

since you weren't making
any dinner.

Do you want
some frozen stew?

Well,
what did you tell him?

Well, at first,
I thought it was a bad idea.

And then I did some research,
and I'm sure you know this,

but homeschooling has become,
like, a valid option.

It's not just for weirdos
that carry around dead goldfish.

You know what's scary?

I know you're talking
about Tommy Clayman.

But Senator Clayman aside,

I'm concerned
about Boyd's socialization.

You know,
but they do get together

with other
homeschooled kids.

They go on field trips.

It's much like your wine club
that pretends to read books.

You need trained teachers to
help prepare kids for college.

I talked to my chancellor buddy
at U.C. Boulder.

They like
homeschooled kids.

They're independent,
they're critical thinkers.

All right, well, as much as
I'm enjoying this homeschooling,

I still think public schools
have a lot to offer.

Yeah, I get it.

But, you know, public school
hasn't worked well for Boyd.

What's the future
for this kid?

He's built
like a chimney sweep,

and they just don't
use them anymore.

Look, I get it.

I mean, obviously, Boyd needs
more individual attention.

You said it yourself.
Your class size is too big.

What do you have,
40 in your class?

41.
And that's down from 44.

Three are on
maternity leave.

Well, at least you know

that you've got them excited
about biology.

Imagine what an amazing teacher
you'd be

if you just had one student.

Yeah, I'd have that kid
in college by 14.

Well, obviously,
Ryan isn't you, but he's smart.

And with the right preparation,
I think he could do this.

Maybe.
Maybe it could work.

Oh, hey.

I, uh, was just gonna grab
the last of the boxes.

No need to talk to me
about anything.

Listen, you might like
this conversation.

We might be okay
with this homeschooling idea.

Really?

Yeah, but with one change.

I'm gonna teach Boyd.

What?

Yeah, w-what?

I'm gonna quit my job
and homeschool Boyd.

Okay, enough of this.

Look, Vanessa,
I appreciate the offer,

but Boyd is my son,

and I should be the one
to homeschool him.

Yeah,
but I am a teacher.

I mean, Mike,
back me up on this.

He does not get a vote.

I don't want to overstep.

Well...

Don't you think our grandson
should have the best teacher

in this family?

Yeah, but I'm not quitting
my job.

Look, Ryan, Ryan --

Boyd's education
is a 10-year commitment,

and with all due respect,
you're a quitter.

Wow.

I'm not sure I heard
any due respect in there.

Ryan, I mean, look at this box
of commitments you gave up on.

The ukulele, leathertooling,
cheese-making.

If you quit homeschooling
the way you quit these things,

you're gonna devastate Boyd.

I would never give up
on Boyd.

All right,
all right, all right.

Everybody,
let's just hold it.

Do you even know why
I quit those things?

You know what?
Actually, never mind.

Finish
what you were gonna say.

I quit ukulele lessons

so I could take Boyd
to hockey practice.

What about
the cheese stuff?

Boyd's allergic.

And the leather?

I have
very delicate hands.

Well,
it was mostly for Boyd.

I know what he did give up --
sleep.

Remember,
he took the graveyard shift

delivering beer so he could be
there to fix him breakfast?

Sometimes I only made him
oatmeal with no fruit.

I still regret that.

Let's face it --
Ryan is easy to criticize,

and it's actually
quite fun.

But I think
we both would agree

that he does
put his kid first.

I think he could do this.

Can you do this?

Yes, I know that I can.

I-I think he can, too.

Oh, great.
Great.

You guys, you have this
all decided, then, don't you?

I didn't know
Vanessa felt that way about me.

This isn't about you.

This is about
something else.

Well, you backed me up
over your wife,

and I appreciate that.

I don't want to bruise
your delicate hands.

All right, change of plans.

The bait tonight is gonna be
Mac and cheese.

Was something wrong
with the beef Wellington?

No.
It was delicious.

But I think we're safe
with this plan,

because I don't like
Mac and cheese.

What am I doing here?

This happens to me
all the time.

We're staying late
to catch a raccoon.

I'm talking about Boyd.

He's having all this trouble
at school,

and Ryan is dropping everything
to do whatever it takes

to help him, and I'm not.

That's because you have
a really important job.

The most important job
in the world to me

is raising my son.

Yeah,
that's what you're doing --

by your example.

How?

Look, you were pregnant at 17,
no husband,

you were a waitress
in a diner.

So I was
a country-western song.

You were living
with your parents --

I mean, no real future.

I get it. I was a mess.

Yeah, was.

Now you're doing great.

You're showing Boyd that
no matter how rough things get,

you can always
get your life back on track.

I guess that's true.

It definitely is.

I mean,
things were really grim for you.

You missed out on college.
You got that bad haircut.

Kyle, stop.

Good pep talk.

Thank you.

You're welcome. All right,
I'll see you tomorrow.

Kyle.

The raccoon.

Right.
That's what we're doing here.

I should write it
on my hand.

[ Sighs ]

Want some help?

Why, am I not doing
good enough?

You know,
maybe Ryan would do a better job

of folding these towels.

Well, I think he'd do it
with less attitude.

You really want to quit
your job?

I don't want to
quit, Mike.

I just don't want to
keep doing it.

It's a good thing
you don't teach English.

You're not very good
with words.

I'm just so frustrated.

I mean, I spend every day
bogged down

by this giant bureaucracy,
and I'm --

I'm not making
a difference.

But you could if you stayed home
and taught Boyd.

Yeah. You -- if you understand
what I'm going through,

then why did you pick Ryan?

I'm just trying
to make you happy.

You're gonna have to
explain that.

It's hard for me to admit,
but there might be someone

who can explain it
better than me.

Oh, honey...

Listen.

Vanessa: Honey, it's me.

I just had the most amazing
first day teaching.

I love this.

I taught my class
the parts of the cell,

and this one girl just lit up,
Mike. She got it.

I know not every day
is gonna be like this,

but I also know this is
what I'm supposed to be doing.

I can make a difference
to these kids.

I am so happy,
I even made up a song.

♪ Oh, teaching
is the best thing ever ♪

It kind of went off the rails
right about then.

You saved that?

I save
a lot of your voice mails.

My favorite is down here.

You butt-dialed me when you were
trying to parallel park.

You were swearing
like a sailor.

I remember that feeling,

and that girl
never missed a class

until the day
her water broke.

She's coming back.

But if you quit,

who's gonna teach her
or the other kids?

Why do you always have to be
so right?

Don't tell anybody,
but I am from the future.

Yeah. You know, I guess
I should apologize to Ryan.

I don't think so.
That's a bad precedent to set.

I am a little worried, though,
about his commitment. I am.

This doesn't have to happen
tomorrow.

If I don't like
how he's teaching Boyd,

I'll fire him and hire you.

That's sweet, honey,

but it's --
it's really not your decision.

You know,
people keep saying that,

but it's so not the truth.

Hey.
What's going on?

I think I made a huge mistake
trying to make beaded dresses.

They take forever to sew,

and I'm not even sure anyone
is going to like them.

You know, I got an "a"
on the photo essay of you.

Mr. Osgood loved it.

Really?

Dave liked it?

He had students
stop calling him "Dave"

after spending six months
in teacher time-out.

Come look at the photos.

No!
I feel bad enough already.

I don't need to see
ugly pictures of myself.

Look at how good you look,
you idiot.

Blearg.
I had no makeup.

My hair was everywhere.

I probably look like you.

Look, you're missing the story
these pictures are telling.

It's about someone
who loves what they're doing

and doesn't care how they look
while they're doing it.

You're a really good
photographer, Eve.

Thanks.
Yeah.

I mean, I guess I just have
that kind of beauty

that just shines through
no matter what.

Yeah.

They really capture
how two-dimensional you are.

Mm.

Thank you.

So, um, what exactly
did Dave say?

Mm.

He said, "it's great to have
a job again.

Everybody call me
Mr. Osgood."