Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 20 - Tattoo - full transcript

No, Mom, I am not cold.

Yeah, I-I am
wearing a sweater.

I will take it off
if it gets hot.

Yeah, Mom,
I know how sweaters work.

Hey, honey.

No, no, it's too early.

(sighs)

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Mm.

You're right,
I won't, Mom.

Uh, I got -- I got --
I got to go.



Yeah, yeah.

No, one of the girls
isn't wearing a sweater.

(beep)

(chuckles)

My mom's dead.

Yeah, your life
is perfect.

So, how was your day?

You don't want to know
about my day.

You just want to rant on
about your mom.

My mother is impossible.

And we're off!

She is always
telling me what to do

like I'm still
10 years old.

You like when people think
you're younger than you are.



The guy at the liquor store
who carded you,

you talked about that
for three weeks.

And she goes on and on
about her friends

who all apparently have the same
last name -- "Who's Dying."

(chuckles)
Yeah, no, there's Carla,

who's dying,

Brenda, who's dying,
Mildred, who's dying.

Who's Dying
is a big family.

Mm.

Mother-daughter relationships
are tough.

Let's not forget
Lizzie Borden.

Hey, hey.
We never heard Lizzie's side.

No, I-I'm serious, Mike.

It's like our relationship
never got past

a mother-daughter
dynamic.

Yeah, you know, it's horrible
when mothers act like m-mothers.

Sorry. I'm just doing
the best I can here.

Just once I grew up,

we never transitioned
into just being friends.

And that's on her.

She never made any effort to do
the things I like to do.

Why don't you just
talk to her?

No, Mike, no, no,
because it's too late,

and -- and the worst part is it
doesn't even seem to bother her.

I mean, I would be devastated
if I ended up

in a relationship like that
with my daughters.

It's never gonna happen. You have a
great relationship with the girls.

You really do.
You mean it?

You're not just --
just saying that?

Little bit of both.

(sighs)
Just want to wrap this up.

Honey, I-I mean,
it worries me sometimes.

The girls are all
pretty grown up,

and can't believe
that Eve's already 18.

You're having
your girls' night out,

Taco Tuesday tonight
with them.

You know what, yeah.

That -- that has always been
a mother-daughter dinner.

I think I'm gonna make it
different tonight.

-Good.
-Yeah, no, no, no.

I am not just gonna go out
with my daughters.

I am also gonna go out
with my friends.

Sounds like
a lot of people.

Don't pick up the check.

Look who just gave Father Time
the finger.

I wanted to wear something
that said friend, not mom.

Well, you nailed it, honey.
Yeah.

Also nailed "roadie
for the Allman Brothers."

Seriously, is it too much?

No, no, no. You want to be like
the other girls,

then you go up and change,
little missy.

Hey, I can wear
whatever I want.

You are not the boss of me!

Hi, Mom.

Wow!
You look great.

Are you sure I don't look like a
roadie for the Allman Brothers?

The who?

No, the Allman Brothers.

Just go --
go get the girls.

-All right, cool.
-Hey, Boyd, hi, sweetie. Mm!

Looking forward to hanging out
with Grandpa tonight?

Yeah. I'm gonna ask him
if I can get a tattoo.

Oh. I don't think
that's a good idea.

Why would you want that?

Well, my mom and Aunt Mandy
and Aunt Eve

were talking about how great
it'd be.

And also that
it was a secret

[Whispering] and I shouldn't
tell anybody.

Good job!

Uh, Boyd, honey, you know,

it's, uh, it's okay
that you told me.

I mean, I-I think tattoos
are cool, too.

But you're a grandma.

Hey, I said I think
they're cool!

Listen, listen, you should not
say anything to Grandpa, okay?

Because even though
your mom

and her sisters
are getting older,

he'll always be the dad.

Oh, so he makes tofu
and mung beans for breakfast?

No, sweetie.
That's -- that's just your dad.

You're so lucky
'cause you can be saying,

"Oh, Ryan," and just be thinking
"Gosling, Gosling, Gosling."

Or if you get tired of him,

you can just shift
right on over to Reynolds.

True.

What are they
talking about?

-Nothing. -Nothing! -Nothing.

Then why are you laughing?

-Uh --
-Oh, whoa, whoa, wait.

Never ask women
why they're laughing.

It's better than crying
or yelling.

-Come on, Mom, hey. Let's go.
-Yeah.

Let's get this
girls' night started.

Don't wait up for me.
Okay.

-Good night, baby.
-Love you.

All right, have fun.
Drive safe.

Love you!

All right, let's go.
(door closes)

What do girls do
on girls' night?

Uh, they spend most of the time
trying to parallel park,

put on hats,
and they giggle at them.

What do we do
on guys' night?

We're making hot dogs.

My dad says that hot dogs
are poison.

They are.

But it turns out that mustard
is the antidote.

♪♪

-Hey, Mr. Alzate.
-Hey, Kyle.

Looks like there's another
exotic bird show

Wendi's gonna try to drag
my ass to.

That's fantastic.

Tell me, what part of "drag
my ass" sounds fantastic?

Oh, I-I stopped listening
after "exotic bird show."

Oh. Sometimes I only
hear the good part.

It really got me in trouble
the time my brother said,

"Let's take
a motorcycle ride..."

Hmm.

"...to rob
a liquor store."

Wendi loves birds.

If she finds out
about this show,

it could lead
to a big fight.

Hey, Ed. Kyle.

Hey, Ryan.
What are you doing here?

Kristin's off
for the night.

Uh, actually,
I came to talk to you guys.

I want to learn
how to camp.

You don't know how to camp?
Didn't your dad ever take you?

A couple times he told my mom
he was taking me camping,

and then we'd go to the casino
and I'd wait in the car.

One time he actually
lost the car

and we had to sleep
at the bus station,

so I guess he kind of
took me camping.

Man, your dad sounds cool.

Wait, I don't think I heard
all of that.

So, why the big push
to learn now?

Well, Kris grew up camping,
and it's important to her.

When we do go, I want to be able
to hold my own.

Hmm. Well,
we've got weekly seminars.

But you're part of
the Outdoor Man family,

so you're gonna get
private lessons from Kyle.

Oh, man,
you're gonna love it.

Outdoor camping is not nearly as
dirty as bus station camping.

This stuff looks
pretty hardcore.

I hope I'll be able to
learn how to use it.

Don't worry.
Kyle's an expert, so...

there's your answer.

♪♪

So, then Eve runs over
and tackles the kid.

He stole your hat.

Dude, we were
in third grade.

That's what boys do
when they like you.

In my experience,
boys will do

all sorts of stupid stuff
just to get your attention.

-Mm.
-Tell me about it.

One got me pregnant.

(laughter)

I-I think that it's probably
funnier if you'd been drinking.

Oh, wow,
it's 10:00 already?

(chuckles) This evening's going
way too fast.

Yeah. I wish I didn't have
school tomorrow.

I'll write you a note.

Remember when Kristin
used to do that for us?

No, 'cause I never did.

Please, please.

You probably do my signature
better than I do.

In fact, sign this.

This feels so much more fun
than usual.

I mean, I'm always
super entertaining,

so one of you must've
stepped up your game.

I think it's probably Mom.

She hasn't once
licked her thumb

and wiped something
off of our faces.

I'm taking a break
for a few years

before I have to start
doing that to your dad.

(laughter)

This is such a blast.

Guys, wait, listen,

you know what would be
crazy fun to get?

-Churros?
-No, no, no.

Tattoos.

Tattoos.

-Uh...
-What's wrong?

Come on, come on.

Isn't that the kind of thing
you do with your friends?

Yeah!

It's just not the kind of thing
you do with your mom.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

So, churros?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's, uh,
that's definitely

the kind of thing you do
with your mom, yeah.

Hey, honey.

Boyd's home safe.
Kid's a pretty good driver.

How was your night?

Well, we were having
a great time,

but then at the end of what
I thought was a lovely dinner,

I find out what I really
am to our daughters.

Their mom!

Damn those kids to hell.

I make one
little suggestion

of something we could do
at the end of dinner,

and they shot it down.

All right, well,
what was your little suggestion?

I said we should get
a tattoo.

(chuckles) I've always wanted to
kiss a sailor.

Boyd said the girls
wanted to get one.

They just didn't want
to do it with me.

Apparently, I am not cool enough
to be in their little club.

You know,
you had a great night,

and you're obsessing
on one tiny little thing

that didn't go your way.

You're being a real
Mrs. Lincoln right now.

All right, you know what, you --
you -- you don't understand.

No, I don't understand.

If you want a tattoo,
get a tattoo.

Oh, 'cause it's --
it's more than that, Mike.

I mean, God, you give so much
of your life to your kids.

You give birth to them,
you raise them,

you listen to all their stupid
little problems and --

and then -- and then they get
to adulthood

and it's, "Hey, hey, thanks
for the miracle of life,

but I don't want
a tattoo."

Wait a minute.
Hold that thought.

What --
what are you doing?

Taking notes.

That could be a great hook
for my vlog on Mother's Day.

Guilty kids are known
to buy mom a canoe.

You're gonna use what I'm going
through to guilt other kids?

You're not using it.

Well, I might.

I'm sorry your evening didn't
go well with your daughters.

I'm gonna go to bed.

(sighs)

You're still welcome
in that club.

♪♪

Look at that.

Now you're as snug
as a bug in a rug.

How's it feel?

Tight.

Really, really tight.

I can't breathe.

Okay, uh,
well, don't panic.

Oh, God,
the zipper's stuck.

Kyle, you got to
get me out of here.

I'm dying! Kyle!
-Okay.

That's kind of panicking.

Kyle, please
get me out of here!

(exhales sharply)

The sleeping bag is usually
the least scary part of camping.

Sorry, I...I get
a little claustrophobic.

Ryan, so far you've poked
yourself in the eye

with a tent pole, you've dropped
an axe on your toe,

and somehow managed to get
your thumb stuck in a canteen.

I'm just new to all this stuff,
you know?

Now you're holding a can of gas
over a fire.

Can you tell me why
that's a no-no?

Because it would explode
into a fireball.

Yes.

Which you don't want to happen
in the woods.

Mainly because
they're made of wood.

You're right.

I don't know what
I was thinking.

I'm clearly
not meant for this.

So, are you acclimating
to the great outdoors?

No.
No, I am not.

I love the environment,
but from afar.

Sorry to hear that.
Camping's not for everyone.

Especially teenagers
in horror movies.

They always think their friends
are playing a joke on them,

but they never are.

"Stop it, Craig.

You're being weird!"

Craig is not being weird.
Craig is dead.

It's frustrating,
you know,

'cause I wanted to do this
for Kristin.

Well, I know what it's like

when your wife's harping
on you to do something,

but you can't give in if it's
gonna make you miserable.

No, she's not harping me.
We haven't even talked about it.

I just knew she'd like it
and I wanted to surprise her.

So, you came up with this
camping thing all by yourself?

Yep.
Thought it'd make her happy.

Hmm.

And apparently make me
look like an idiot

and maybe burn down
the woods.

I'm gonna get some air.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

So, he doesn't
like camping?

No.

And she hasn't been nagging him
to take her, huh?

No.

So, why the hell would he put
himself through all this?

I guess he loves his wife.

I'm sure he does.
(chuckles)

Yeah,
I remember what that's like.

(chuckles)

No, I don't.

I guess that's why they call
them ex-wives, huh?

♪♪

Hi.

Vanessa Baxter
for the Baxter family

here to talk about being a mom.

Mother's Day is coming up,

so, kids, be sure to mark
your calendars.

And then forget
until the last second,

run out and buy a card
at the all-night CVS.

Being a mom is hard.

Every time you get sick,
we get sick.

Except nobody makes us soup.

One of the hardest parts
of being a mom

is watching your kids grow up
and stop needing you.

Well, let's face it.
Adults don't need mothers.

They already know
how to use a sweater!

So, is it possible for moms

to have a strong relationship
with grown children?

Yeah, I think it is.
Consider the orca.

It's one of nature's
most beautiful creatures.

An orca lives its whole life
at its mother's side,

and they don't have any problem
with that.

No orca has ever been excluded
from shark hunting

because her daughter said,

"It's not really the kind of
thing you do with your mom."

Well, how can humans
stay that close?

The best way is to make sure
your relationship evolves.

So, Mandy, Kristin, Eve,

maybe you don't see me
as someone you can do fun,

crazy things with.

But today I am taking the first
step to change that.

Let's hunt some sharks!

My mother
never made me soup.

That's why I do this.

Hey, honey.
Hi.

Ooh, what'd you do?
Are you all right?

I did something
really stupid.

I told you that ice cream truck
wouldn't stop for adults.

I got a tattoo.

Oh, sexy.

What is that, a stick?

Well, I was gonna get a rose,
but I just got the stem.

Turns out
someone stabbing you

with a motorized needle
really hurts.

Be honest with me,
whose idea was this?

Yours or your good friend
Chardonnay?

Actually,
this is your fault.

No, I started
writing a vlog

about how I wanted to change
things with the girls,

and then I ended up
at a tattoo parlor.

(chuckles)
Yeah, definitely my fault.

You know why
I do those vlogs?

I don't like
talking to people.

Oh, I know.
You like talking at them.

Shh.

You do like talking to people,
and you're good at it.

So why don't you talk about this
whole thing with your daughters?

Oh, for-- forget it.

Vanessa, just --
Mike --

I'm scared.

I-I'm --

Scared of what?

What if the girls are happy
with me just being their mom?

Hmm?

What if they never
want to be friends?

Hit them with that stick
on your ankle.

Oh.

No, I'm serious.

My -- my mom never wanted
to be friends with me.

Oh, come on, come on.

And if she had,
honestly (sighs)

I'm not sure
I would've wanted that.

You're not your mother.

Believe in our kids.
I believe in them.

I don't even talk to them that
much and I believe in them.

Maybe that's why
I believe in them.

♪♪

Thanks.

Good.

Okay, good.

Hey, Ryan.
Look.

Look what I have
for you here.

Top of the line.
Look at this.

What's this do?

D-don't --
d-don't push that.

The Coast Guard
will show up.

(chuckles)

Uh, Ed, this stuff looks
really expensive.

Don't you have any cheaper gear
I can ruin

and work my way
up to this?

(chuckles)
Won't cost you a dime.

It's on me.

You're just giving this
to me?

You already
paid me for it.

You want to know how?

You know what, you're
giving me free stuff.

I am cool
leaving it at that.

You taught me a lesson

I should've learned
a long time ago

that the best gifts are the ones
that are not asked for.

That's true.

This morning, I bought tickets
for Wendi and me to --

to an exotic bird show.

A loud, smelly affair

full of people more exotic
than the birds.

When I gave them to her...
she -- she cried.

I-I'm sorry, is this a sad story
or a happy one?

Does she like birds?

She loves birds.

Look, I've given her art,
weekend getaways, jewelry,

but this is the gift
that moved her to tears.

Because what you're really
giving her is you.

She said
I was...thoughtful.

This is really great,

but I still don't know
how to use any of it.

Oh, you will.

All of this is more
user friendly,

and I've assigned you
the best instructor -- me.

I can't ask you
to do that, Ed.

You didn't ask. That's why
it's a fantastic gift.

You really are
a thoughtful man.

(voice breaking)
Let's put up the tent.

(coughs) Okay?

Hold this end.
That's it. Thank you.

♪♪

VANESSA:
Mandy, Kristin, Eve,

maybe you don't see me
as someone

you can do fun,
crazy things with.

But today I am taking
the first step to change that.

Let's hunt some sharks!

So?

Say something.

That...is...hysterical.

(laughter)

Well, I'm glad potentially
crippling myself is so amusing.

Guys, we have to tell her.

Can we tell her
with a vlog?

(chuckles)

Tell me what?

Mom, we didn't want to get
tattoos with you that night

because...well, we --
we kind of already got them.

(vocalizes)

See?
They're your initials.

Although my "B"
kind of looks like a "D."

The guy kept
looking into my eyes.

The first time I had to be like,
"Hey, hey, hey!

Eyes down there."

I wanted to get an eagle
with a machine gun,

but I was out-voted.

Anyway...
-You guys got my initials?

It was supposed to be
your Mother's Day gift.

We didn't want to get
tattoos with you

because we were just afraid
that you would see these.

Yeah, we're totally down
to hang out with you, Mom.

You'll always be the whale
swimming beside us.

Yeah,
she means we love you.

And now we can think about you
every time we put on socks.

Come here.
Come here.

I'm out of hugging range.
Score.

No, come on.
Over here. Come here.

(chuckles)

This is the best gift ever.

I love you girls
so, so much.

Oh, and there actually was
another part to it.

A gift certificate so that you
can get a matching tattoo

with our initials,

though I'm guessing
you might not

want to
go back there now.

Or we could just do it here
prison style.

Razor and a Bic pen.

I am going because

that is the kind of thing you do
with your friends.

Honey.
-What?

Guess what.

The girls all got tattoos.

Ha ha.

Well, that's it.

I don't want them hanging out
with you anymore.

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.

What's more painful than not
feeling needed by your children?

Well, getting a tattoo

and still not feeling needed
by your children.

Making a choice you'll
have to live with

for the rest of your life

should involve a lot more
thought and very little tequila.

Covering your back
with a portrait

of President Marco Rubio

is probably something you'll
regret a year from now.

When you're in one of
Donald Trump's internment camps.

Probably safer to get a tattoo

in honor of someone
you'll always love

like your mom or your kids.

Still, it's kind of weird

to deface your body
to show you care.

It's -- it's like,
"I love you so much,

I'm gonna go key my own car."

So, before you engrave something
on your skin,

imagine yourself looking at it
in the mirror in 20 years.

Or two.

Or just after
the tequila wears off.

And cut!

(cheers and applause)

Guy's a genius.

Very good!
You're very good!