Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 18 - He Shed She Shed - full transcript
Oh, boy.
Working at my desk.
I think I'd rather walk in
on you and my brother.
(chuckles)
Hey.
Hi, honey.
I needed more space.
We talked about this.
You working at my desk
was a one-time experiment
that failed,
like Obamacare.
Mike, my desk is
ridiculously small... (sighs)
...and I have all these midterms
to grade.
There just wasn't enough room
for the tests and --
oh, my tears.
Why didn't you just use
the kitchen table?
I tried.
I-I can't focus near cake.
Come on, we -- we've shared
spaces a lot smaller than this.
Oh, remember
our Leetsdale apartment?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Used to dream about
moving into a tollbooth
so I could have
more elbow room.
I loved that place.
Yeah.
You know,
we had that foosball table,
and -- and we would cut out
magazine pictures
and put them on the walls.
Yeah. Well, we didn't
have money for art.
Mm.
We blew all our money
on luxuries,
like heat and soap.
(laughs)
Well, we may not have have had
a lot of space or stuff,
but we had fun.
Yeah, good story.
Yeah.
Anyhow, let's fast-forward
to the part
where we have a big home
and we're rich.
All right.
Mike,
just give me an hour,
and I'll get out
of your hair.
Okay, well, how much time
have you been here?
I want that to count
against your hour.
I promise, when you need
to work at the desk,
then I'll be happy
to move.
Okay.
I need to work at my desk.
Really?
I need to work at a way
not to share my desk.
-- Captions by VITAC --
They're called She Sheds.
Yeah?
It's like a Man Cave
for women.
So, instead of
the football stuff and cigars,
we have taste.
(chuckles)
Cool, right?
It doesn't have to be cool.
I just have to get your mom
in it.
Hey, guys.
Hi.
So, what are you doing
over there?
We just might've solved
your problem
about using my office.
I don't have a problem
with that.
Well, whoever's problem it is,
I'm gonna fix it.
Stand here.
I want you to look out
by the back of the fence.
See that area right there?
That's gonna be
your new office.
In the birdhouse?
No, no.
The birds
go in the birdhouse.
Why are you always trying
to take somebody else's space?
Ah, no.
Listen.
No, no, no, no.
Left of that,
that little flat area,
I'm gonna build you
your own...
She Shed!
A shed?
Well...
A shed?
So I'm on the same level
as a lawn mower now?
No. These are
custom-built sheds,
like something
you have a home.
It's -- it's like a house
that'd be outside,
like an out...
That's not right. No.
Here, check them out.
She Sheds
are super trendy.
Bethenny from "Real Housewives"
has one.
Yeah, Bethenny has one.
It's the perfect place to work
or unwind
or throw a glass of Chardonnay
in your frenemy's face.
You like Chardonnay.
Okay, let's stop.
Oh, wow. Yeah.
Uh-huh.
They're actually pretty nice.
Yeah.
Yeah. You -- you would build
one of those for me?
Anything
for my beautiful lawn mower.
(laughs) Yeah,
but it'll take too long.
I need space now.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
These come in kits.
I could build one of those
in three days.
I'll get Kyle to help you.
All right, 12 days.
Okay. Well, yeah. Yes!
Good, great.
Go for it.
By the way...
What?
"That's what she shed."
(chuckles)
♪♪
I can't believe I still get
butterflies in my stomach
about
"Employee of the Month."
I should be used to it.
I've won, like, a zillion times.
And I've swallowed
a butterfly.
W-where's Ed?
I do not have time for this.
Hey, hey,
I know who's gonna win.
But I shouldn't say.
I don't want to spoil it.
But I'll give you a hint --
Me.
Thanks,
the suspense was killing me.
Really, this is -- this is all
killing me.
I don't want to brag,
but it's not like
anyone else had a chance
after I came up
with Break Room Bingo.
Yes.
Because before that,
all you could do
in the break room was relax.
I can already taste
my riblet basket
I will be buying with
my $15 gift card to Applebee's.
That's all you get?
Well, that and a bucket full
of "feel good."
Thank you all for coming
to this mandatory gathering.
It's that time again
where we hand out
the "Employee of the Month"
award,
where we celebrate the one
employee whose job is secure.
Only kidding.
I don't care how many times
you've won this thing.
You slack off, you're gone.
Anyway, moving on. All right,
this month's winner is...
Keep it together, Kyle.
Act like
you've been there before.
...Kristin Baxter!
(cheers and applause)
Cool, thanks.
That's...
Okay,
let's get back to work!
Smile through it, Kyle.
Smile through the tears.
♪♪
All right,
it's got to go down a tad.
Up, up, up a hair.
Up a hair.
That was a full smidge.
Don't you guys know
your construction terms?
No, I don't.
I guess I'm done here.
You're done here?
Yeah?
Who helped you move your washing machine?
The kid next door.
Who told you to ask
the kid next door?
For three days,
you've been promising me pizza.
Where is my damn pizza?
Just be happy, like Kyle.
Kyle, you're happy to work, right?
(sighs)
Oh, yeah, I love helping you,
Mr. B.
You know,
but when you first asked me,
I thought you said
"Sheep Shed."
We had one of those when I was a kid.
Uh-huh.
When I couldn't sleep,
I used to go in there
and count them.
Which backfired.
Because for having hooves,
they are are surprisingly good
at stealing blankets.
I'm just saying I'm glad
it's not a Sheep Shed,
you know, because the friends
you make in there
you eventually eat.
That's farm life.
So, they could be batting its
eyelashes at you in the morning,
then be swimming in gravy
on your plate that night.
I need you to go
to the hardware store.
Yeah.
What do you need?
I just need you
to go
to the hardware store.
On it, sir.
You know, Baxter,
I'm impressed
that you're doing this
for Vanessa.
Well, she needs the space,
you know?
Sometimes
I feel terrible
looking at her work at that
cramped, little desk of hers.
And other times I go,
"Hell, I make more money."
This is gonna be
some sanctuary.
Lucky her.
Mm-hmm.
Out here all isolated.
Love it.
Plus, it's got one thing
my office doesn't have.
A nice person in it.
A door. I've always wanted
my office to have a door.
You can shut the world out.
Just be in all by yourself
with your thoughts
and a big plate of nachos.
But this is for Vanessa,
right?
Yeah, yeah,
but I'm worried.
She won't like it way out here
'cause it's so lonely.
Wait, you mean
I'm wasting my weekend
building a shed
that's not even gonna be used?
I'm a tad --
No, I'm a full smidge pissed.
Calm down. We're gonna
finish the project.
But I'm thinking
maybe turning this She Shed
into a He Shed.
So you're just gonna
take it from her?
No, I'm not gonna
take it from her.
I'm gonna convince her that
she doesn't really want it.
And that it would be
a better idea if I had it.
That way
we'll both be happy.
That's a lot of dominoes,
Baxter.
Good luck.
Sometimes I wonder why that
woman stays married to you.
I think you need to go
to the hardware store.
Surprise!
Well, I'm, uh...
definitely surprised.
Oh, you -- you
don't like it.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's -- it's just...
I-I mean, I know you didn't
have a ton of time... Yeah.
...but it just -- it looks
nothing like the pictures.
It seems
less like an office
and more like a place
you'd be taken for a whuppin'.
Well, technically, whuppin's
happen behind sheds.
But I-I-I get it.
It's -- It's just not great.
It's just, uh --
It's kind of cold in here, too.
Yeah, well, it is a shed.
Yeah.
But the good thing is,
in the summer
it's uncomfortably hot.
So it kind of balances out. Oh.
I guess -- I guess
I could just --
I could put a desk
right here.
I'm putting it
right there.
No, I -- what I mean,
you'd have your desk right here.
Let me...
What,
are those mousetraps?
Well,
the -- the little ones are.
The big ones
are for skunks.
Let me handle
rodent control.
You know what? I know.
It's okay. It's okay.
You don't like the place. I don't
want you suffering out here.
You don't have
to come out here.
What kind of husband would I be
if I made you come out here?
No. No. An awesome one.
No, you did this for me, Mike.
I am gonna make it work.
Oh, make it work.
Yeah.
Oh, I -- you know,
last time you said that,
it involved that jumpsuit,
and that didn't work out
so well, did it?
I'm not afraid
of a challenge or project.
I married you, didn't I?
(both chuckle)
Look, I-I-I need the space.
I mean,
what other choice do I have?
Why don't we go
back to our original idea?
We just share my desk.
Really?
Yeah.
Are you sure
you want to do that?
I would, you know.
You're a teacher, and
children are the future. Oh.
Why are we even
talking about this?
Okay. Yeah, but, I mean,
you worked so hard on this.
W-what are we gonna do
with the shed, then?
I don't know.
(sighs)
I'll think of something.
Oh, oh, ooh!
You know what?
We could make it
A gift-wrap room.
Like I said,
I'll think of something.
♪♪
So,
have you been enjoying
the nice picture of yourself
online?
What are you
talking about?
Oh, don't pretend you haven't
been to the Outdoor Man website,
clicked
the "About Us" link,
scrolled over to the drop-down
menu for the newsletter --
fifth page,
right above Birthdays --
"Employee of the Month"
picture.
Yeah, like you didn't
know about that.
(chuckles)
Kyle,
what -- what do you want?
I wanted to ask, when you go
to redeem your gift card --
and I highly recommend
the riblet basket --
would you say hello to Helen
for me?
Who's Helen?
Helen's been
my waitress there
the last several times
I've redeemed
the "Employee of the Month"
gift card.
She might be wondering,
like a lot of the people
around here,
how in blue blazes you won
instead of me.
Look, Kyle, I really don't
care about this, so...
W-wait a minute.
People don't think
I should have won?
Oh,
I -- I've said too much.
Fine, don't tell me.
No, no, okay, okay,
I'll tell you.
It's just, a few weeks ago,
when you fired Oliver,
I got the feeling that people
weren't too happy about it.
Nobody said anything
to me.
Hmm.
People don't want to confront
the dragon lady.
That's weird.
Ooh, wait.
So, why would people
vote for me
if they don't like me?
I don't know.
Um...
Mr. Alzate is the one
that counts the votes,
so maybe he "arranged"
for "you" to "win."
Stop -- stop doing that
on every word, please.
It wasn't "every" word.
Anyway, maybe he fixed it
to protect your feelings.
No,
that doesn't sound like Ed.
(clears throat)
(as Ed) Maybe he fixed it
to protect your feelings.
(normal voice) Anyway,
enjoy your photo
and your parking spot,
and, of course,
the $15 gift card.
Hmm. Actually,
they -- they raised it to $25.
And the rich get richer.
♪♪
What's going on in here?
I'm glad you asked.
This is a Newton's Cradle.
It demonstrates
Sir Isaac Newton's principles
of conservation of momentum
and kinetic energy.
Hmm.
See?
Mm.
I just like
the way the balls do this.
Does Dad know you're
messing around with his desk?
Our desk.
Your dad and I
are sharing this space now.
Sharing?
Yeah.
That doesn't sound
like Dad.
Wasn't there talk of an electric
fence here at one point?
(chuckles)
Yeah, I know your father
doesn't always play well
with others,
but he was genuinely happy
when he offered it.
Wait.
"Dad," "happy," "sharing."
This doesn't add up.
Watch out
for the end game.
There's always
an end game.
Eve, Eve.
Yeah?
Your car needs gas.
Don't forget.
Okay.
Hey.
(door closes)
I like it already.
You do? Yeah?
Yeah.
I'm not --
I'm not taking over too much?
No. I think it's important that
you make this space your own.
Okay, okay. So you would be
genuinely happy
if -- if I did
a few other things in here?
Yeah. You know me.
I'm all about change.
Ah.
Because I'm gonna
take the guns off the wall
and get rid
of the model cars.
It sounds like
you have your own vision.
I'll just
get out of your way.
But -- but -- but you would
be comfortable in here
when you're using
the desk?
Yeah, 100%.
Yeah, definitely.
And if I'm not, you know,
I'd just find
another place else to work.
Like...the shed?
Whoa, whoa.
Hey.
I've never even
thought of that.
Honey, do you ever have
a bad idea?
(footsteps approach)
Eh? What do you think?
I took your idea
and ran with it.
Why didn't I
see this coming?
Come on, honey.
(sighs)
I know you
better than that.
You would never have liked it
out here.
You like it in the house
with all that hubbub
and hullabaloo.
I've seen you enjoy
a good brouhaha.
No, no, no.
Don't pretend
you're doing this for me, Mike.
You're doing it for you.
I'm doing it
for both of us.
You get to share my desk,
I get this space out here.
It's the perfect solution.
We both got our space.
Why didn't you just tell me
you wanted the shed?
I want the shed.
Why? Why?
I mean, don't you have
enough places
you can go off
and be by yourself?
I mean,
your garage, your basement.
Africa.
This is just another place
for you to run away.
From me.
I'm not running away from you,
honey.
Come on. I'm running away
from everybody.
You just happen
to be part of everybody.
Well, I'm not supposed
to be part of everybody.
I am supposed
to be part of us.
You are.
But us is more successful now,
so us has more space.
No.
No, Mike, no, no.
Look, we left our Leetsdale
apartment when we had Kristin
because we needed more space
for our family.
But now the kids are leaving.
It just seems like
you want to keep
all this space between us.
There's nobody I'd rather
spend time with than you.
Baxter! I got the beer.
And I brought my own darts.
Vanessa.
Chuck.
D-dah...
I...I should probably go.
Yeah.
Leave the beer.
Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man
with a few thoughts
about wiring.
No, not the kind
that runs your lights
or your five TVs --
Yes, five.
I just put one in the bathroom.
So cool.
I'm talking about the wiring
up here in our melons.
It's funny. Men spend
so much time and energy
trying to find a woman,
convince her to be with us,
then once we do, we're putting
a TV in the bathroom.
By the way,
it's hi-def, 800 channels.
I watch three.
We're not wired
the way women are.
We like to be alone,
always have.
Caveman
dragging home an antelope
sees an empty cave and thinks,
"Hey, I could just sit in there
a little while
before I go home to the wife."
He goes in,
it's full of other cavemen,
grunting and wishing somebody
invented liquor and sports.
(grunts)
How are women wired?
I have no idea.
The only thing I know is the same
current runs through both of our wiring.
And that current they call love.
It may be a pain in the ass
that we have different wiring,
but you know what?
It sure is fun that
we have different plumbing.
Huh?
♪♪
Hey, Ed.
Kristin.
You know, just because you're
"Employee of the Month"
doesn't mean
you don't have to knock.
(chuckles)
Yeah, about that...
Uh, did I really win?
What do you mean?
I mean,
you didn't by any chance,
mm,
tip things in my favor?
Are you implying I care enough
to rig an election I created,
where the grand prize
is a $25 gift card?
I just find it hard to believe
that I won.
Word is, I'm not the, uh,
easiest person to work for.
I see.
You're worried
your employees don't like you.
Yeah, well...
(scoffs)
Everyone wants to be liked.
No.
Followers
want to be liked.
Leaders don't give a damn.
You're a leader.
I just worry that
I may have ruffled some feathers
when I fired Oliver.
Let me explain how
this "Employee of the Month"
thing works, all right?
Every employee gets a vote,
and they all vote
for themselves.
See, I jump in and break the tie
by choosing a winner.
I knew you rigged it.
See, most of the time
I pick Kyle
because he gets my coffee
in the morning,
and since he has the "Employee
of the Month" parking spot,
it's still hot
when it gets here.
But this month,
after you fired Oliver,
all your restaurant employees
voted for you.
Wait, they did?
They probably got tired of him calling
in sick and covering his shifts,
or that he tried to date Stacy
while being married to Jenny.
You knew about that?
It's my store.
I know everything.
Look, the point is,
you made the tough decision
and fired him,
like a leader.
They respect that.
So do I.
Thank you, Ed.
Your respect
means a lot to me.
Don't mention it.
Don't mention it.
Oh, and by the way
(clears throat)
since you have that fancy
parking spot for the month,
I like my coffee
like my moods -- black.
♪♪
MIKE: Vanessa?
Hey, there you are.
What are you doing?
From now on, I'm gonna work here
or in the kitchen.
And I don't want hear a peep
from you about "cake weight."
I don't want you
to do this.
Well, you don't want to share
your desk with me, do you?
No, I don't.
You know, people who think
honesty is so great
have never lived
with you.
Put the stuff down
for a minute.
I want
to show you something.
Come here. Come here.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
If you have turned this into an
office for me, I don't want it.
I don't care what you've done
with this stupid hut.
I don't want it.
How do you like that?
How do you like when honesty
is thrown into your face?
Oh, my God.
(both laugh)
It's our
Leetsdale apartment.
Actually, it -- it's
a bit roomier. Oh!
This looks just like
our old chair.
Yeah, and if I spill
bong water on it,
it'll smell just like it.
Oh, you even got
a foosball table.
Our foosball table.
The She Shed turned to He Shed
is now a We Shed.
I don't know
what to say.
And the cool thing,
I got a -- a wood cover for this
so you can actually use it
as a work surface if you want.
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Honey,
I love you so much.
I love you.
Mm.
You won't say that after
I kick your ass like I used to.
(laughs)
I think your memory's going,
old man.
Babe, I-I-I don't want to put
any space between us.
Good. Me either.
Unless it's humid.
What?
It gets all sticky.
Nobody likes that.
One.
One what?
Oh.
(ball clanking)
To nothing.
♪♪
Hey, Kyle,
you doing anything after work?
Oh, I'm just rushing home
to see the "Kristin Baxter
Story" on Lifetime.
I hear she gets
"Employee of the Month"
and forgets
all her old friends.
Well, h-how about
we go split a riblet basket?
My treat.
I think you're doing that
just to make a certain someone
feel better.
Well, I hope it works.
You really are a nice person,
Kristin.
Maybe they should
make a movie about you.
Come on, let's go.
You know, and this is really
gonna mean a lot to him.
To who?
Oliver.
He works at Applebee's now.
Working at my desk.
I think I'd rather walk in
on you and my brother.
(chuckles)
Hey.
Hi, honey.
I needed more space.
We talked about this.
You working at my desk
was a one-time experiment
that failed,
like Obamacare.
Mike, my desk is
ridiculously small... (sighs)
...and I have all these midterms
to grade.
There just wasn't enough room
for the tests and --
oh, my tears.
Why didn't you just use
the kitchen table?
I tried.
I-I can't focus near cake.
Come on, we -- we've shared
spaces a lot smaller than this.
Oh, remember
our Leetsdale apartment?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Used to dream about
moving into a tollbooth
so I could have
more elbow room.
I loved that place.
Yeah.
You know,
we had that foosball table,
and -- and we would cut out
magazine pictures
and put them on the walls.
Yeah. Well, we didn't
have money for art.
Mm.
We blew all our money
on luxuries,
like heat and soap.
(laughs)
Well, we may not have have had
a lot of space or stuff,
but we had fun.
Yeah, good story.
Yeah.
Anyhow, let's fast-forward
to the part
where we have a big home
and we're rich.
All right.
Mike,
just give me an hour,
and I'll get out
of your hair.
Okay, well, how much time
have you been here?
I want that to count
against your hour.
I promise, when you need
to work at the desk,
then I'll be happy
to move.
Okay.
I need to work at my desk.
Really?
I need to work at a way
not to share my desk.
-- Captions by VITAC --
They're called She Sheds.
Yeah?
It's like a Man Cave
for women.
So, instead of
the football stuff and cigars,
we have taste.
(chuckles)
Cool, right?
It doesn't have to be cool.
I just have to get your mom
in it.
Hey, guys.
Hi.
So, what are you doing
over there?
We just might've solved
your problem
about using my office.
I don't have a problem
with that.
Well, whoever's problem it is,
I'm gonna fix it.
Stand here.
I want you to look out
by the back of the fence.
See that area right there?
That's gonna be
your new office.
In the birdhouse?
No, no.
The birds
go in the birdhouse.
Why are you always trying
to take somebody else's space?
Ah, no.
Listen.
No, no, no, no.
Left of that,
that little flat area,
I'm gonna build you
your own...
She Shed!
A shed?
Well...
A shed?
So I'm on the same level
as a lawn mower now?
No. These are
custom-built sheds,
like something
you have a home.
It's -- it's like a house
that'd be outside,
like an out...
That's not right. No.
Here, check them out.
She Sheds
are super trendy.
Bethenny from "Real Housewives"
has one.
Yeah, Bethenny has one.
It's the perfect place to work
or unwind
or throw a glass of Chardonnay
in your frenemy's face.
You like Chardonnay.
Okay, let's stop.
Oh, wow. Yeah.
Uh-huh.
They're actually pretty nice.
Yeah.
Yeah. You -- you would build
one of those for me?
Anything
for my beautiful lawn mower.
(laughs) Yeah,
but it'll take too long.
I need space now.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
These come in kits.
I could build one of those
in three days.
I'll get Kyle to help you.
All right, 12 days.
Okay. Well, yeah. Yes!
Good, great.
Go for it.
By the way...
What?
"That's what she shed."
(chuckles)
♪♪
I can't believe I still get
butterflies in my stomach
about
"Employee of the Month."
I should be used to it.
I've won, like, a zillion times.
And I've swallowed
a butterfly.
W-where's Ed?
I do not have time for this.
Hey, hey,
I know who's gonna win.
But I shouldn't say.
I don't want to spoil it.
But I'll give you a hint --
Me.
Thanks,
the suspense was killing me.
Really, this is -- this is all
killing me.
I don't want to brag,
but it's not like
anyone else had a chance
after I came up
with Break Room Bingo.
Yes.
Because before that,
all you could do
in the break room was relax.
I can already taste
my riblet basket
I will be buying with
my $15 gift card to Applebee's.
That's all you get?
Well, that and a bucket full
of "feel good."
Thank you all for coming
to this mandatory gathering.
It's that time again
where we hand out
the "Employee of the Month"
award,
where we celebrate the one
employee whose job is secure.
Only kidding.
I don't care how many times
you've won this thing.
You slack off, you're gone.
Anyway, moving on. All right,
this month's winner is...
Keep it together, Kyle.
Act like
you've been there before.
...Kristin Baxter!
(cheers and applause)
Cool, thanks.
That's...
Okay,
let's get back to work!
Smile through it, Kyle.
Smile through the tears.
♪♪
All right,
it's got to go down a tad.
Up, up, up a hair.
Up a hair.
That was a full smidge.
Don't you guys know
your construction terms?
No, I don't.
I guess I'm done here.
You're done here?
Yeah?
Who helped you move your washing machine?
The kid next door.
Who told you to ask
the kid next door?
For three days,
you've been promising me pizza.
Where is my damn pizza?
Just be happy, like Kyle.
Kyle, you're happy to work, right?
(sighs)
Oh, yeah, I love helping you,
Mr. B.
You know,
but when you first asked me,
I thought you said
"Sheep Shed."
We had one of those when I was a kid.
Uh-huh.
When I couldn't sleep,
I used to go in there
and count them.
Which backfired.
Because for having hooves,
they are are surprisingly good
at stealing blankets.
I'm just saying I'm glad
it's not a Sheep Shed,
you know, because the friends
you make in there
you eventually eat.
That's farm life.
So, they could be batting its
eyelashes at you in the morning,
then be swimming in gravy
on your plate that night.
I need you to go
to the hardware store.
Yeah.
What do you need?
I just need you
to go
to the hardware store.
On it, sir.
You know, Baxter,
I'm impressed
that you're doing this
for Vanessa.
Well, she needs the space,
you know?
Sometimes
I feel terrible
looking at her work at that
cramped, little desk of hers.
And other times I go,
"Hell, I make more money."
This is gonna be
some sanctuary.
Lucky her.
Mm-hmm.
Out here all isolated.
Love it.
Plus, it's got one thing
my office doesn't have.
A nice person in it.
A door. I've always wanted
my office to have a door.
You can shut the world out.
Just be in all by yourself
with your thoughts
and a big plate of nachos.
But this is for Vanessa,
right?
Yeah, yeah,
but I'm worried.
She won't like it way out here
'cause it's so lonely.
Wait, you mean
I'm wasting my weekend
building a shed
that's not even gonna be used?
I'm a tad --
No, I'm a full smidge pissed.
Calm down. We're gonna
finish the project.
But I'm thinking
maybe turning this She Shed
into a He Shed.
So you're just gonna
take it from her?
No, I'm not gonna
take it from her.
I'm gonna convince her that
she doesn't really want it.
And that it would be
a better idea if I had it.
That way
we'll both be happy.
That's a lot of dominoes,
Baxter.
Good luck.
Sometimes I wonder why that
woman stays married to you.
I think you need to go
to the hardware store.
Surprise!
Well, I'm, uh...
definitely surprised.
Oh, you -- you
don't like it.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's -- it's just...
I-I mean, I know you didn't
have a ton of time... Yeah.
...but it just -- it looks
nothing like the pictures.
It seems
less like an office
and more like a place
you'd be taken for a whuppin'.
Well, technically, whuppin's
happen behind sheds.
But I-I-I get it.
It's -- It's just not great.
It's just, uh --
It's kind of cold in here, too.
Yeah, well, it is a shed.
Yeah.
But the good thing is,
in the summer
it's uncomfortably hot.
So it kind of balances out. Oh.
I guess -- I guess
I could just --
I could put a desk
right here.
I'm putting it
right there.
No, I -- what I mean,
you'd have your desk right here.
Let me...
What,
are those mousetraps?
Well,
the -- the little ones are.
The big ones
are for skunks.
Let me handle
rodent control.
You know what? I know.
It's okay. It's okay.
You don't like the place. I don't
want you suffering out here.
You don't have
to come out here.
What kind of husband would I be
if I made you come out here?
No. No. An awesome one.
No, you did this for me, Mike.
I am gonna make it work.
Oh, make it work.
Yeah.
Oh, I -- you know,
last time you said that,
it involved that jumpsuit,
and that didn't work out
so well, did it?
I'm not afraid
of a challenge or project.
I married you, didn't I?
(both chuckle)
Look, I-I-I need the space.
I mean,
what other choice do I have?
Why don't we go
back to our original idea?
We just share my desk.
Really?
Yeah.
Are you sure
you want to do that?
I would, you know.
You're a teacher, and
children are the future. Oh.
Why are we even
talking about this?
Okay. Yeah, but, I mean,
you worked so hard on this.
W-what are we gonna do
with the shed, then?
I don't know.
(sighs)
I'll think of something.
Oh, oh, ooh!
You know what?
We could make it
A gift-wrap room.
Like I said,
I'll think of something.
♪♪
So,
have you been enjoying
the nice picture of yourself
online?
What are you
talking about?
Oh, don't pretend you haven't
been to the Outdoor Man website,
clicked
the "About Us" link,
scrolled over to the drop-down
menu for the newsletter --
fifth page,
right above Birthdays --
"Employee of the Month"
picture.
Yeah, like you didn't
know about that.
(chuckles)
Kyle,
what -- what do you want?
I wanted to ask, when you go
to redeem your gift card --
and I highly recommend
the riblet basket --
would you say hello to Helen
for me?
Who's Helen?
Helen's been
my waitress there
the last several times
I've redeemed
the "Employee of the Month"
gift card.
She might be wondering,
like a lot of the people
around here,
how in blue blazes you won
instead of me.
Look, Kyle, I really don't
care about this, so...
W-wait a minute.
People don't think
I should have won?
Oh,
I -- I've said too much.
Fine, don't tell me.
No, no, okay, okay,
I'll tell you.
It's just, a few weeks ago,
when you fired Oliver,
I got the feeling that people
weren't too happy about it.
Nobody said anything
to me.
Hmm.
People don't want to confront
the dragon lady.
That's weird.
Ooh, wait.
So, why would people
vote for me
if they don't like me?
I don't know.
Um...
Mr. Alzate is the one
that counts the votes,
so maybe he "arranged"
for "you" to "win."
Stop -- stop doing that
on every word, please.
It wasn't "every" word.
Anyway, maybe he fixed it
to protect your feelings.
No,
that doesn't sound like Ed.
(clears throat)
(as Ed) Maybe he fixed it
to protect your feelings.
(normal voice) Anyway,
enjoy your photo
and your parking spot,
and, of course,
the $15 gift card.
Hmm. Actually,
they -- they raised it to $25.
And the rich get richer.
♪♪
What's going on in here?
I'm glad you asked.
This is a Newton's Cradle.
It demonstrates
Sir Isaac Newton's principles
of conservation of momentum
and kinetic energy.
Hmm.
See?
Mm.
I just like
the way the balls do this.
Does Dad know you're
messing around with his desk?
Our desk.
Your dad and I
are sharing this space now.
Sharing?
Yeah.
That doesn't sound
like Dad.
Wasn't there talk of an electric
fence here at one point?
(chuckles)
Yeah, I know your father
doesn't always play well
with others,
but he was genuinely happy
when he offered it.
Wait.
"Dad," "happy," "sharing."
This doesn't add up.
Watch out
for the end game.
There's always
an end game.
Eve, Eve.
Yeah?
Your car needs gas.
Don't forget.
Okay.
Hey.
(door closes)
I like it already.
You do? Yeah?
Yeah.
I'm not --
I'm not taking over too much?
No. I think it's important that
you make this space your own.
Okay, okay. So you would be
genuinely happy
if -- if I did
a few other things in here?
Yeah. You know me.
I'm all about change.
Ah.
Because I'm gonna
take the guns off the wall
and get rid
of the model cars.
It sounds like
you have your own vision.
I'll just
get out of your way.
But -- but -- but you would
be comfortable in here
when you're using
the desk?
Yeah, 100%.
Yeah, definitely.
And if I'm not, you know,
I'd just find
another place else to work.
Like...the shed?
Whoa, whoa.
Hey.
I've never even
thought of that.
Honey, do you ever have
a bad idea?
(footsteps approach)
Eh? What do you think?
I took your idea
and ran with it.
Why didn't I
see this coming?
Come on, honey.
(sighs)
I know you
better than that.
You would never have liked it
out here.
You like it in the house
with all that hubbub
and hullabaloo.
I've seen you enjoy
a good brouhaha.
No, no, no.
Don't pretend
you're doing this for me, Mike.
You're doing it for you.
I'm doing it
for both of us.
You get to share my desk,
I get this space out here.
It's the perfect solution.
We both got our space.
Why didn't you just tell me
you wanted the shed?
I want the shed.
Why? Why?
I mean, don't you have
enough places
you can go off
and be by yourself?
I mean,
your garage, your basement.
Africa.
This is just another place
for you to run away.
From me.
I'm not running away from you,
honey.
Come on. I'm running away
from everybody.
You just happen
to be part of everybody.
Well, I'm not supposed
to be part of everybody.
I am supposed
to be part of us.
You are.
But us is more successful now,
so us has more space.
No.
No, Mike, no, no.
Look, we left our Leetsdale
apartment when we had Kristin
because we needed more space
for our family.
But now the kids are leaving.
It just seems like
you want to keep
all this space between us.
There's nobody I'd rather
spend time with than you.
Baxter! I got the beer.
And I brought my own darts.
Vanessa.
Chuck.
D-dah...
I...I should probably go.
Yeah.
Leave the beer.
Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man
with a few thoughts
about wiring.
No, not the kind
that runs your lights
or your five TVs --
Yes, five.
I just put one in the bathroom.
So cool.
I'm talking about the wiring
up here in our melons.
It's funny. Men spend
so much time and energy
trying to find a woman,
convince her to be with us,
then once we do, we're putting
a TV in the bathroom.
By the way,
it's hi-def, 800 channels.
I watch three.
We're not wired
the way women are.
We like to be alone,
always have.
Caveman
dragging home an antelope
sees an empty cave and thinks,
"Hey, I could just sit in there
a little while
before I go home to the wife."
He goes in,
it's full of other cavemen,
grunting and wishing somebody
invented liquor and sports.
(grunts)
How are women wired?
I have no idea.
The only thing I know is the same
current runs through both of our wiring.
And that current they call love.
It may be a pain in the ass
that we have different wiring,
but you know what?
It sure is fun that
we have different plumbing.
Huh?
♪♪
Hey, Ed.
Kristin.
You know, just because you're
"Employee of the Month"
doesn't mean
you don't have to knock.
(chuckles)
Yeah, about that...
Uh, did I really win?
What do you mean?
I mean,
you didn't by any chance,
mm,
tip things in my favor?
Are you implying I care enough
to rig an election I created,
where the grand prize
is a $25 gift card?
I just find it hard to believe
that I won.
Word is, I'm not the, uh,
easiest person to work for.
I see.
You're worried
your employees don't like you.
Yeah, well...
(scoffs)
Everyone wants to be liked.
No.
Followers
want to be liked.
Leaders don't give a damn.
You're a leader.
I just worry that
I may have ruffled some feathers
when I fired Oliver.
Let me explain how
this "Employee of the Month"
thing works, all right?
Every employee gets a vote,
and they all vote
for themselves.
See, I jump in and break the tie
by choosing a winner.
I knew you rigged it.
See, most of the time
I pick Kyle
because he gets my coffee
in the morning,
and since he has the "Employee
of the Month" parking spot,
it's still hot
when it gets here.
But this month,
after you fired Oliver,
all your restaurant employees
voted for you.
Wait, they did?
They probably got tired of him calling
in sick and covering his shifts,
or that he tried to date Stacy
while being married to Jenny.
You knew about that?
It's my store.
I know everything.
Look, the point is,
you made the tough decision
and fired him,
like a leader.
They respect that.
So do I.
Thank you, Ed.
Your respect
means a lot to me.
Don't mention it.
Don't mention it.
Oh, and by the way
(clears throat)
since you have that fancy
parking spot for the month,
I like my coffee
like my moods -- black.
♪♪
MIKE: Vanessa?
Hey, there you are.
What are you doing?
From now on, I'm gonna work here
or in the kitchen.
And I don't want hear a peep
from you about "cake weight."
I don't want you
to do this.
Well, you don't want to share
your desk with me, do you?
No, I don't.
You know, people who think
honesty is so great
have never lived
with you.
Put the stuff down
for a minute.
I want
to show you something.
Come here. Come here.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
If you have turned this into an
office for me, I don't want it.
I don't care what you've done
with this stupid hut.
I don't want it.
How do you like that?
How do you like when honesty
is thrown into your face?
Oh, my God.
(both laugh)
It's our
Leetsdale apartment.
Actually, it -- it's
a bit roomier. Oh!
This looks just like
our old chair.
Yeah, and if I spill
bong water on it,
it'll smell just like it.
Oh, you even got
a foosball table.
Our foosball table.
The She Shed turned to He Shed
is now a We Shed.
I don't know
what to say.
And the cool thing,
I got a -- a wood cover for this
so you can actually use it
as a work surface if you want.
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Honey,
I love you so much.
I love you.
Mm.
You won't say that after
I kick your ass like I used to.
(laughs)
I think your memory's going,
old man.
Babe, I-I-I don't want to put
any space between us.
Good. Me either.
Unless it's humid.
What?
It gets all sticky.
Nobody likes that.
One.
One what?
Oh.
(ball clanking)
To nothing.
♪♪
Hey, Kyle,
you doing anything after work?
Oh, I'm just rushing home
to see the "Kristin Baxter
Story" on Lifetime.
I hear she gets
"Employee of the Month"
and forgets
all her old friends.
Well, h-how about
we go split a riblet basket?
My treat.
I think you're doing that
just to make a certain someone
feel better.
Well, I hope it works.
You really are a nice person,
Kristin.
Maybe they should
make a movie about you.
Come on, let's go.
You know, and this is really
gonna mean a lot to him.
To who?
Oliver.
He works at Applebee's now.