Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 17 - Tanks for the Memories - full transcript

You wanted to see me,
Baxter?

No. I want to talk to you.
Mm-hmm.

Seeing you is
an unfortunate by-product.

Mnh-mnh.
Look at this.

Oh, no. Somebody bwoke
your wittle twuck.

It's a tank.

And if it weren't for the
M4 Sherman tank... Mm-hmm.

...instead of
speaking baby talk,

you'd be
sprechen sie Deutsc!

What do we want to do
about this?

Well, I recommend a two-pronged attack.
All right.



Okay, number one --
try to grow up.

Number two --
when that proves impossible,

leave your toys at home.

I've seen your desk.
Yeah.

You got all
the Jackson bobbleheads.

Mm, I'm not really seeing
the connection there.

Why don't we get back to
the crime of the century?

This isn't the first time
this happened, right? Mm-hmm.

Somebody is coming here at night
and playing with my stuff,

right under the watchful eyes
of your crack security team.

All right, so what do you
want me to do,

uh, station a guy
in your office

to make sure your toys
don't get broken?

You want me to station a guy
in your office



to make sure
your toys don't get broken.

This is custom-made stuff.
Uh-huh.

The track is broken.

I got to custom order this,
right?

Which means
this Sherman tank is out.

Which means my left flank is
now open and tiny Hitler wins.

Can you see
tiny Hitler, Mike?

(whispers)
Is he in the room with us?

Mock me if you want...
and get fired.

(laughs)

Help me with this.

All right. Okay. Okay.
I'll do something about it.

Tonight I'll bring in
my best man.

Thank you.
Yeah.

Jermaine Jackson. Yeah.

N-Nothing gets past
Jermaine.

He's like...

(laughs)

-- Captions by VITAC --

Hey.

Wow.
Old wrinkly sweats.

Honey, if you've officially
given up, I'm having more bacon.

I am wearing these
because I haven't given up.

I'm going out
to get some exercise.

Well, good for you.

I still want more bacon.

I'm going power walking.

Helen Potts is stopping by
to pick me up.

Oh, great.
Helen Potts is coming over.

My legs want to run,
but there's more bacon,

so my stomach
wants to stay.

I'm literally
tearing myself apart over this.

Come on. She's nice.

And, you know,
I give her a lot of credit.

She's getting out there,

trying to put her life back
together after Tom's passing.

It's been two years
since he faked his death, right?

Hey!

Either way,
he's in a better place.

You know,
you can't fool me.

You like Helen.
I do.

If you didn't, not even bacon
could keep you here.

Never underestimate
the power of pork.

You wouldn't talk
like that

if you heard the nice things
she says about you.

Yeah?

You don't know.

Hey, Helen.

Hey, Vanessa.

(sighs)

Hi, Mike.
Good morning.

Do you know
that you're the reason

that we always start the
power walk over here? Really?

Yeah, I see you, and I want
to get away as fast as I can.

You're right, honey.
She does love me.

Well, I wouldn't go that far --
ever.

But, uh, I-I did
bring you this.

Yeah?

Oh.
Looks like a nice jacket.

Oh.
Looks good.

It fits!

Beautiful, and I like it.
Thank you very much.

Yeah, I just couldn't let it
be buried with Tom.

Even though it looked great
on him in the coffin.

(groans)

Great --
a dead guy's coat.

Nice, thanks.

I'm clearing out
all of Tom's stuff.

You know, I'm trying to move on
with my life,

but it's hard with
all of his things in the house.

Yeah.
I understand what you mean.

I mean, nobody believes me
when I say this,

but it'll be hard for me
when Mike passes.

Would you like some cheese
on your bacon?

(laughs)

It's nice to hear
that you're moving on.

You know, getting out,
maybe meet a guy.

You know,
get back on the market.

Real nice, Mike.

Made me feel like
a fresh slab of meat.

No one said "fresh."

(laughs)

You know, you always
make me feel better

about not having a man
in my life.

Yeah? Not exactly up to you,
now is it?

Okay! Okay!

Ding! Ding!
Round's over.

You know, I just don't know
if I'm ready to date.

You know, I'm trying
to take this moving-on thing

one step at a time,
but...

(sighs)

...there is something
that I could use your help with.

Everything is gone

except for Tom's hobby stuff
in the basement,

and that -- I just --

I can't be there
when the buyer comes to get it.

Would you do it?

We'd be happy to.
Yeah.

Hold on a second.

Meeting strangers
in her basement

while she has an alibi.

This is gonna end up
on Netflix.

(both laugh)

Kyle, we have a disaster
at the restaurant.

Go find Kristin, please.

Yes, sir.
Here she is.

Good work, son.

We're turning this thing around
already.

What's this about?

Yelp.

Okay. Yipes!

What's this about?

No, uh, I think
he's talking about Yelp,

the -- the website
where customers write reviews.

And the Outdoor Man Grill
just got a terrible one

by someone
who goes by Bubba X.

Oh, no.
That's our target demographic --

a hillbilly Muslim.

I'm serious, Kristin.

A lot of people
read these things,

and this could
hurt our business.

Oh, okay, well, did he say
who he had a problem with?

I-I'll just talk to him.

No, I don't think
you're the person to do that.

Listen to this --

"My dining experience
at Outdoor Man Grill

made me envy
the braised ostrich

who didn't
have to sit through it.

Manager Kristin Baxter
was dismissive and inattentive.

She was such a shrew,

I'm surprised
she wasn't on the menu."

"Zero stars."

Yipes.

Ed, uh, you know
how well I treat our customers.

This just sounds
like somebody

who's -- who's
trying to get a free meal.

Well, it worked.

That's exactly
what you're gonna do.

You're gonna
invite him back.

Okay. Okay.

And I will be sure to turn on
the Kristin Baxter charm.

Excellent.
Let's see that smile.

You know what? Give him
some free calamari, too.

I really appreciate you handling
this sale for me, guys.

Of course, Helen.

We understand how difficult it
is to part with such memories.

Man, Tom built himself
quite the man cave.

Looks like he was really trying
to get away from something.

What was Tom's hobby?

War.

Yeah, yeah.
I had boxes of these tanks.

Got all sorts of tanks
in there --

artillery pieces,
he's got the big Tiger II,

an M5 Stuart.

This is like Easter
and I found all the eggs!

These are all the tanks
from the Battle of the Bulge.

That was Tom's favorite.

Yeah, but for tanks battles
it's Kursk.

That was the battle.

But for pure mayhem,
you got to love the Bulge.

Well, every year on
the anniversary of the battle --

December 16th
through January 25th.

I'm impressed.

I will give you $500 if you can
tell me when our anniversary is.

She's
a public-school teacher.

She doesn't have $500.

Anyway, Tom would, like,
re-enact the whole battle.

You know, on the 16th,

he would come down here
in the morning --

That's when the Germans
attacked, those sneaky bastards.

And he would lay everything
out on this.

Wow. Wow.

Do you know what this is,
Vanessa?

This is
the entire battlefield.

That's it?

Then why did World War II
take so long?

So, he built all this,
and he built these tanks?

Oh, yeah.

He'd position
all the tanks,

and then every day,
he'd move these markers around

exactly the way
the battle unfolded.

Does he have
any more of these tanks?

Oh, tons.
(sighs)

These grown men
and their toy tanks.

You know, sometimes
it seems like

you and I married
the same man.

You know,
the kids and I always wanted

Tom to explain
this battle to us,

but we never
got around to it.

Yeah.

Sounds pretty emotional
for you.

Tell you what, why don't we just
move all this stuff to my house

and I'll sell
all the tanks from there?

You know, or whatever.

I'm sorry.
I can't do that.

I've already sold them.
Oh.

And the buyer's
on the way.

A deal's a deal.
I'm so sorry.

Yeah. A deal's a deal,
that's for sure.

No kidding.

You got to honor that --
I'm gonna get these tanks.

She said no.

Somebody -- Hey,
somebody already bought them.

Face it --
you can't have these.

I've never wanted anything more
in my entire life

than these tanks.

That's what you said about me
30 years ago.

I already got you.

Now I've moved on
to something else.

Thanks again, Mike,
for all your help.

You and Vanessa have been so
supportive through all of this.

Well, Vanessa has.

Well, that's the yin and
the yang of our relationship.

She does good things,
I am yang.

Mike, Helen, the, uh --
the buyer's here.

Oh, hey.

Hi. Hi.

This is Teresa.

And I am so excited
about these tanks.

(voice breaking)
Well, I'm -- I'm just glad

that they're gonna go
to somebody

who will love them
as much as Tom did.

Hey, hey, hey.
No tears.

Come on, let's get you
out of here

before you change
your mind.

Yeah. Hmm.

Okay. Uh, so you're gonna buy
all these tanks. Mm-hmm.

First up,
I should tell you

that there's a lot lead paint
involved in these,

so if your kids were to put them
in their mouths,

their test scores
will go right into the toilet.

I'm actually
buying them for me.

But, you know, I-I'll take note
of what you said, there.

That's some really great ad--
great advice.

"Don't...eat...them."

All these tanks
are for you?

Yeah.
Of course they are.

Well, it's just that a woman
of your poise and elegance,

playing with toy tanks
seems kind of goofy.

Oh, well, actually,
I commanded

a tank maintenance unit
in Iraq.

I can take a tank apart
and put it back together

in a sandstorm.

Well, doesn't sound
so goofy now, does it?

You know,

I kind of get
the impression that, uh...

you don't want me
to buy these.

Yes.
No. I don't.

Is it something to do
with Helen?

She seems like she doesn't
want to sell them,

that she's still attached to them.
Yeah, you noticed that.

That's -- That's why
you're good around tanks.

You understand that under the steel
plates, there's a beating heart.

Mm.

So why is she doing this?

Well, that -- that other
woman with her... Yes?

...with the hair
and the teeth is...

is her v-very mean sister.

And she, uh,
didn't like Tom, the husband,

and so she's making Helen

get rid of everything
that reminded her of that.

Are you serious?
Yeah.

Serious. Oh, yeah.

Well, you saw
she was getting out of here,

she even said,
"Don't cry!"

'Cause, you know,
she doesn't want her to cry,

even shed a tear
for the poor old guy.

That's --
That's horrible.

Ah, she's awful!

Nothing -- Nothing would make
sweet Helen happier

than -- Mm --
coming down here

and seeing these tanks
exactly the way

old big Tom left them.

You know, I -- I can't take them
from that poor woman.

Of course you can't.
No, you can't.

So, I wouldn't --
I wouldn't blame you.

Oh, gosh.
That's a good choice.

You know, here's what I think -- we
should keep it between us... Okay.

...'cause you don't want to get
on the bad side of that sister.

Boy, she --
she's a badger.

Lemonade?

No, thank you.
I was just leaving.

Uh, what --
what about your tanks?

Ah, don't you mean
Tom's tanks?

They're staying here,
right where they belong!

What did I do?

Honey, sometimes things
aren't all about you.

(Sighs)

But now that we've removed
the obstacle,

I'm ready
to accept my reward.

What happened?
Oh.

T-Teresa changed her mind.

And then she said
she'd pray for me.

People!
People are nuts!

Listen,
here's what I'm gonna do.

How about I buy
all the tanks?

Whatever she was gonna pay you,
I'll add 10%,

and I will pray for yo.

Thanks, Mike.
Yeah.

You're a good friend.
Yeah.

Yes.

Seriously?

S-- You are gonna --
Hey, look at me.

Look at me!

You are gonna let
that poor woman

think you are doing this
out the kindness of your heart?

She's grieving right now.
She needs a hero. What?

Kristin.
Hmm?

Is Bubba X here?
Oh, any minute,

and I promise he will have
a great experience.

Excellent.

Oh, and, when you shake hands
with him...

lighten up, all right?

'Cause you've got a real
East German thing going on.

(clears throat)

Hey, Eve.

Uh, I don't really have
time to talk.

I-I'm expecting someone.

You're expecting me.

Bubba X, party of one.

You're Bubba X?

Well, my friends
call me "Bubba."

Hi, Bubba!

Can we all
pick new names?

Oh, can I be "Hootie"?

Eve, did you think
that that review was funny?

Uh, a little.

That part about you being
a mole person was hilarious.

It was a shrew.
And I am not one.

I don't know why
you wouldn't want to be.

They can see in the dark.

Could you get back to work,
please?

(laughs)
Hootie out.

All right,
you know what, Kris?

My review
was mostly honest.

What are you
talking about?

Uh, when Cammy and I
came in last week,

you treated me like crap.
What?

I have never treated
a customer

with anything
but the upmost respect.

I know, but you didn't treat me
like a customer.

You treated me
like your little sister.

What does that mean?

You stuck me in the corner
by the kitchen.

It was like being put at
the kid's table at Thanksgiving

but without the food.

I-I don't know
if you've noticed, Kristin,

but I-I'm an adult now.

Then act like one.

If an adult was having
a bad experience,

they would speak
with the manager, okay?

Not post a bogus review
that could hurt my business.

Uh, "bogus"?

You made me wait,
I got a bad table,

and you even
gave our candle

to an old man
who couldn't read his menu.

So, what do you say we get this
started with some calamari,

rings only, pick out the gross
ones with the tiny legs, okay?

(Laughs) Or we could start
you off with a big fat "no,"

followed by the door
and the parking lot.

Okay. Well, I just might
have to update my review then.

Oh, knock yourself out.

Oh, and, hey, let me know
if you need any help with that.

Hey, you.

Uh, honey, I prefer
when I'm in front of my troops

you call me "General."

Can I ask you something?

What is it
with you and tanks?

Oh, uh, General.

It's a big metal machine
with a huge gun.

What's the mystery?

It was my Grandpa Jack.
Oh.

He got me involved
with this stuff.

Yeah, he made these -- these
little models, too? (groans)

(chuckles)

His tanks
were a little bit bigger --

19 feet long,
66,000 pounds.

He made tanks?
Yes, he did.

Wow.

Gosh, I always thought
he worked for Chrysler.

Well, he did,
but during the war,

Chrysler, along with
the other car companies,

stopped making cars
and started making stuff,

including tanks.
Hmm.

I bet that's why the cars
in the '50s were so damn big.

(laughs) 'Cause the...

He got me this kit. It was just
like this -- a Sherman tank.

I had to build it, he wouldn't
help, 'cause he said,

"I do enough of that stuff
at work."

So tanks were your
connection to him. Yeah.

Kind of feels like he's sitting
right here with us,

although he'd be right there,
going, "Cronkite?

He's a pinko."

(chuckles)
Yeah. Yeah.

I guess, uh, that's
what it's like for Helen, too.

You know,
tanks and Tom --

these are all just part
of one nice memory.

I bet that's why it was so hard for
her to let them go. (chuckles)

But, you know, I mean, at least
you got what you wanted.

So you enjoy.

General.

Oh, I-I will.

I'm gonna enjoy it.
(chuckles)

Can't stop me
from enjoying it.

Damn it!

Oh, no,
you're closed.

Looks like I'm late
for more terrible service.

Get in here, Bubba.

All right, fine.

What did you want
to talk to me about?

So, uh, I took another look
at your review

and it wasn't
totally inaccurate.

This is totally starting
to sound like an apology.

Go on.

That night was crazy,

and when I saw you sitting there
I thought,

"Hey, at least there's one table
that I don't have to worry about."

Or serve. At all.

Look, Eve,
I know you're 18 now,

but sometimes all I can see
is that adorable little girl

who used to
waterboard her Barbies.

Hey, I got a lot of
good intel on Ken. Hmm.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

Thanks.

And you were right,

posting that review
was pretty immature,

so I took it down.

I promise to stop
using the Internet

to blackmail family members.

Good thing.

Are we cool?

Ah, yeah, actually,
there is one more thing.

Ladies, your table awaits.

What's going on? I organized a
three-course meal for the two of us.

I thought, "Hey,
since we're both adults now,

we could enjoy
a fancy meal together."

But, Kris,
it's after 10:00.

Well, yeah, I had to wait
for the restaurant to close.

Besides,
what's more grown-up

than staying awake
late at night?

Owning a briefcase.

Just get the appetizers,
Hootie.

Yeah.

Well, now that
we're both adults,

what do you say we get some wine
up in these glasses?

(chuckles sarcastically)

Don't push it, kiddo.

HELEN: Who's down there?!
I got a gun!

Well, good luck.
I got 50 tanks.

It's me, Helen. Mike.

Oh. Mike!

Well, I'm glad it's you.

I actually
don't have a gun.

That's good.

It's always smart to say
you have one when you don't.

What?

What do you think?

What did you do?

This looks exactly the way
that Tom used to set it up.

Well, that's
kind of the point.

Now you can come down
with your boys

and jog your memories
any time you want.

A lot of people
were telling me

that I needed to get rid
of all this stuff

so that I could move on.

Maybe they just
wanted your stuff.

People are awful.

There's nothing wrong with
holding on to a few memories.

This is so cool.
Hmm.

The boys
are gonna love this.

I just wish
that Tom had taught us

how to set up
all these battles.

Well,
I'll tell you what --

anytime you want,
I'll come over

and tell you and you boys
exactly what happened here.

Spoiler alert --
the good guys won.

Wait. You love this stuff
so much

that you'd be willing
to spend time with me?

Yeah, you never underestimate
the power of tanks...

and pork.

Hey, hey, Baxter.
Got a minute?

You know, I was
just about to leave,

so why don't
I just do that?

You -- You want to talk?
Talk to the chair.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I ran into somebody
at the VFW last night.

She told me a story
about being tricked

out of some model tanks
she was trying to buy.

Yeah, it's a cute story.
Talk to the chair.

Oh.

Oh!

Teresa!
Mm-hmm.

So,
I was talking to Chuck,

and I just mentioned
the name "Mike Baxter"

and his eyes lit up.

They were lit already.
I'd been there a while.

Carol's mother's in town.

Yeah, well, I don't care
what story Chuck told you.

I put the tanks
back in Helen's basement.

He told me that.

And that is why
I brought you this.

Well, look at that.

You fixed my tank.
Mm-hmm.

A lot easier doing it
not inside of a sandstorm.

I love all military stuff.

Grew up with it.

Proud to say that my father
was a Tuskegee Airman.

Wow.

My dad was in the military, too.
Hmm.

Now he sells pot.