Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 16 - Eve's Band - full transcript

Vanessa.
Yeah?

Why is my '67 Impala
out in the driveway?

Oh, I'm sorry, was it not
designed to ever be outside?

It's a classic car.
It needs to be pampered.

You're lucky I don't park it
on your side of the bed.

It's fine, Mike.

Eve and Cammy just wanted
to be in the garage.

Well, so did the Impala.

Why did they need
in my garage?

They kind of...

started a band.



Oh, God, no. No.

No, no, no, no.

No, listen, don't -- don't --
don't judge too quickly.

I think that was
the perfect speed.

Wait, wait, wait.
No, Mike.

Oh, hey, Mr. Baxter!

Oh, this is Nigel.
Nigel, say hi to Mr. Baxter.

-What's good, Mr. Baxter?
-Not this.

Dad, don't freak out.
This isn't a big deal.

Well, that's true.
It's a huge deal!

We are awesome!

And, uh, guess what
our band's called.

No.

[ Amplified ]
The Cammy Harris experience.



You -- you -- you really can't
do that to Jimi Hendrix.

We're gonna
make T-shirts!

It's like I'm not actually here.
I know.

I'm actually done
listening to this.

Dad, come on.
You haven't even heard us.

Mom, are we terrible?

I love...
all my children.

Let us play one song
for you guys.

Okay. You can play one song
if you answer one question.

Who moved the Impala?

You're so funny!

Oh, oh,
let's do the Train song.

Ah, you know what?

I think the salad
might be...burning.

No, no, no.

You let them in here,
we're both gonna listen to this.

Um, Eve wrote this,

but I made it a little more hip
and street.

One, two, three, four!

[ Intro plays off-key ]

[ Off key ]
♪ I'm gonna go insane ♪

♪ If I don't take
the train ♪

♪♪

♪ Chugga-chugga-chugga
is the sound of the train ♪

♪♪

♪ Something something something
about the rain ♪

♪ Oh yeah! ♪

♪♪

You know, I think they've done
the impossible.

I'd rather listen
to Hillary.

♪♪

-- Captions by VITAC --

[ Rock music plays in distance ]

[ Sighs ]

It has been five days,
Mike.

What are we gonna do?

[ Music stops ]

They stopped.

Maybe they finally
heard themselves.

[ Music resumes ]

Ohh.
Nope.

Nope. They just started
a different song.

How could you tell?

You know,
this is your fault.

When Eve wanted to explore
her options

instead of going to college,
you said it was a great idea.

Well, congratulations, Mike.
You've created a musician.

What I should have created
was a sound-proof garage.

Hey, Larabee.

Hey, Baxter!

I thought I'd come by
to see how you were

enjoying the Cammy Harris Experience.
[ Groans ]

How did you know
they were playing?

Oh. You live on the surface
of the planet.

[ Laughs ]

Chuck, Cammy lives with you
and Carol now,

so why is the Cammy Harris
Experience over here

when Cammy Harris
lives over there?

They were in our garage
for a month.

And there used to be
two drummers.

Well,
I-I-I can't take it anymore.

I'm just gonna tell them
they have to stop.

-No, no, no, no.
-You can't tell --

You can't tell --
it's not gonna work!

Well, why not? Why?

Teenage musicians thrive
on parental disapproval.

Oh. Yeah. It's like
vitamins to them.

It just makes
them stronger.

I hated the trombone
when I was a kid,

but my Dad always told me
how bad I was,

so I played it...

for nine horrible years.

So -- so, they won't stop

even if we tell them
how terrible they are?

No.

But they might stop...

if we tell them
how good they are.

It's time for them
to share the gift.

What?

I got an idea, I got --

Oh, hey, guys, guys.
Wow.

This is hard to say,

but you guys are getting
pretty good out there!

You think so?
'Cause I think so,

but I'm in the band
so I don't get to vote.

Like how you're not supposed to vote
yourself Most Popular in the yearbook?

But I did.
And Best Hair. 0 for 2.

Okay.
Listen, I think it's time

that you guys played
for more people,

like a lot of people,
like, a --

A gig!

Really?

Really?

Yeah. It's not fair
that we're the only ones

that get to hear...
that sound you make.

Well, what if we just, like,
post a video or something?

Yeah, even better.
No, no, no, no, no.

They should play
in front of people

to get instant feedback
from other individuals.

Oh, now I get
what we're doing.

Right, right.
Yes, yes, yeah.

Ed helped a guy put together
a music club

that has an open-mic night,

so you can get together
and have --

A gig!

There you go!

Yes! Yes!

MIKE: Yeah.
It's happening!

Our moment!

The whole world
is about to have

The Cammy Harris Experience!

Look out, world!

Um [stammers]
can't we take this a slower?

Like start by playing
in front of dogs,

then work up to monkeys,
then people?

Well, come on, we don't want to
just rehearse the whole time.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, you don't want

to suck the life
out of the music.

No! No! You want to blow
somebody's mind?

I say you just stop
rehearsing altogether.

♪♪

Hey.

Someone cleaned up
nice for date night.

Ugh.
I really need a night out

after home schooling Boyd
all week.

I mean, I love that kid,

but man, he is really
into dinosaurs.

[ Knock on door ]

-Hi!
-Hey.

Ah! Mwah!

Thank you so much
for watching Boyd tonight.

Sure. Um, but, we don't really
have to watch him, right?

Isn't he like 12?

Yeah, he's 9.

Aren't you, like,
his aunt?

-Aunt Mandy.
-Mm-hmm?

Can we go to
the candy store later?

Oh. Can we?

Can we?

Uh, that's not
a good idea.

Why?

Did he put a whole roll of
bubble tape in his mouth?

'Cause I did that once.

Now every time I yawn,
my jaw clicks.

Totally worth it.

Uh, no, we actually think
he stole the candy,

but he claims a friend
gave it to him.

Yeah. It sucks when you're sure
your kid did something wrong

but he just won't admit it.

But it's a brilliant strategy
when you're the kid.

He could be gifted.

He still might come clean.

Hopefully the guilt will just
eat him alive inside.

Well,
we're going dancing.

-Yep.
-Okay.

Bye, Boyd!

Bye! We'll be back
in a little bit, okay?

We love you.

Oh, and while we're gone,

if you want to know what your
parents think about stealing,

it is very, very wrong.

-Bye!
-Bye.

-All right.
-Bye.

Have fun.

[ Door closes ]

Where'd you get that?

A friend.

Boyd might be a thief...

but he's got some
pretty nice friends.

♪♪

All right, guys.
You're up next.

You got to get ready.

You know what?

I know,
you were born ready.

Well, get ready anyway.

Just remember to stick
to what we rehearsed.

Or, or, you know,
just go for it.

-Yeah.
-I like that.

Yeah, let's go for it!

And thanks again, Mr. Baxter,
for setting this up.

Your faith in us
means more than anything.

Okay.

Except fame.
And money.

I have to ask a question.

First I got to ask
a question.

Who moved the Impala?
All right, wait. No.

I don't want Eve
to go through this.

Are we -- are we cruel,
terrible people?

Or are we just being
good parents?

I mean, this is something
Eve's got to go through

for her own good.

You know,
and for our good.

Mostly for our good.

Mike, Vanessa,
welcome, welcome.

Hey, Ed.

This is gonna be
a great night.

Yeah?
A great evening.

And remember,
your money is no good here.

That's very generous
of you, Ed.

He's not being generous.

Look at the sign --
credit cards only?

This clientele only knows how
to pay for something

by bumping their phones
together.

[ Chuckles ]
I hate youth.

All right, hey!

Our next act,
please welcome The Ugly Mutts!

Maybe these guys
will be awful

and it will take some of
the heat off the kids.

One, two, three, four.

♪ I ♪

♪ Don't know if I ♪

[ Crowd members hooting ]

♪ Could ever see the night
the way you do ♪

Or not.

♪ But I ♪

♪ Will always try ♪

Okay, goodbye.

You're up next.

Uh, no, we're not.
I'm retiring.

Problem solved.
Okay, what about Eve?

She said we made a commitment,
so she's going on alone.

What?! Ohh...

Why did we have to teach her
to be so brave?

Hold on, hold on. I'm -- I'm
gonna fake a heart attack.

Act concerned.

♪ ...see the sky ♪

[ Vocalizes ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

We -- we can't let her
go up there alone.

Well,
what are you gonna do?

She was only supposed to get
a third of the humiliation,

and now with
her two friends gone,

she's gonna get it all.

That's three thirds, Mike.

Okay.

100%.

But as usual,
math is not going to help us.

Hey, they blew the roof off
this joint, didn't they?

I'd sure hate to follow them.

Eve Baxter.

[ Light applause ]

Oh, she looks so little.

Well, that's good, because
it makes her a smaller target

when they start throwing
cappuccinos at her.

Hi.

I'm Eve Baxter.

Uh, this is a song I wrote.

[ Guitar plays softly ]

♪ I want to latch
right onto you ♪

♪ I'm trying,
but you don't want me to ♪

♪ The sky was pink ♪

♪ When I thought of you ♪

♪ But the road's
a little foggy ♪

♪ Without youuu ♪

♪ Oh, baby, baby blue ♪

♪ Ooh, why can't it just be ♪

♪ Me and you? ♪

What is happening?
Is that our Eve?

You mean my Eve?
You can have the other two.

♪ Oh, baby, baby blue ♪

♪ Ooh, why can't it just be me ♪

♪ And you? ♪

Thanks again
for watching Boyd.

Oh, it was great.

We watched videos
and built models

and pretended
to be dinosaurs,

and then we had
a yelling contest.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shh, shh.

She gets it.
You had fun.

I had wine.

I totally understand
Mom now.

Thanks, guys.

[ Chuckling ] Bye.

Buddy,
you should be in bed.

I want to tell you something
I did wrong.

But I'm scared
you'll be mad.

Boyd, sweetie,
you -- you can tell us anything.

Absolutely.

I lied.
I did take the candy.

Yes!

Right on, Boyd!

That's not really
a high-five moment.

Boyd, sweetie, what you did
was really wrong.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I'll take it back.

Most of it.

I ate some.

And you will pay for that
out of your allowance.

Okay.

Can I celebrate now?

Because this is awesome.

We are so happy
that you told the truth.

Yes, we are.

Well, I learned a lot
from Uncle Kyle's story

about his friend.

Well,
w-what friend is that?

Jesus.

Oh, God.

♪♪

Boy, tonight was amazing.
[ Chuckles ]

I had no idea our daughter
was so talented.

I think it comes from my side
of the family, babe.

You know, Dad could touch
his tongue to his nose.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hey, Chuck.

Hey, Baxters.
Come on in.

How'd it go?

Bad?

Real bad?

Well, good news for you --

Cammy quit the music business
before the gig.

Ohh.

I am so happy.

Now I can get rid of those bees
I put in my garage.

Is Eve okay?

Yeah, she seemed pretty happy
during her standing ovation.

-She went on alone?
-Uh-huh.

The audience loved her.

Turns out Eve has talents
that don't involve

shooting a ball or puck
or, uh, animals.

But it's still cool.

Hi!
There's our star!

Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.

Thanks, but it's really not
a big deal.

Oh, she's just
being modest.

She's gonna be huge.

You know, it's weird.

I thought if anyone was gonna
have a solo career,

it'd be Nigel.

Well, the music business
is a fickle mistress.

Hmm.

Fickle Mistress would be
a cool band name!

No.
No, it wouldn't.

Hey, Cammy,
I thought you left the club.

Yeah, I was outside, but then
I heard a breathy voice say

"Go back inside, Cammy."

It was Nigel.
He forgot his inhaler.

But I did go back inside,

and Eve had everyone
in a trance.

She's exaggerating.

No. No.

You're a rocket.

I was gravity.
I see that now.

Okay.
Congratulations, Eve.

Come on, Gravity.
Let's get home.

Gravity -- that would also be
a cool band name!

No.
No, it wouldn't.

-See you guys.
-Bye, Cammy.

-Bye, Cammy.
-Bye.

[ Laughs ]

All right,
I'm gonna go to bed.

No!

You're not very pumped up

from going onstage for the first
time and crushing it.

When's --
when is the next gig?

Uh, there's not gonna be
another gig.

I talked to Clark,
and he doesn't want me back.

What? Why not?

He said that I don't have
any real talent.

Oh.

I may not be
a music critic,

but I like to criticize
other people.

He's an idiot!

I mean,
he's a professional, Dad.

I think he knows
what he's talking about.

I-I tried it,
and it didn't work out.

So I'm moving on.

Oh, that doesn't
make any sense.

No.
Why would he say that?

I don't know.

I'm gonna go down there
and ask him.

Mike, just don't do
anything crazy, okay?

I'm not gonna do
anything crazy.

I'm just gonna see where
the guy's head's at.

I think I know
where his head's at.

Maybe I can pull it
out of there.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, Ed.

Hey, Clark.
Yeah?

Look, I hate to interrupt,
guys.

I see you've got some shattered
dreams to clean up.

Hey, I know you.
You're Eve's dad.

Yeah.
What do you want?

Well, I want my daughter
to be happy,

and I wish she wasn't
taking advice

from some loser who doesn't seem
to know anything about music.

Ooh. Easy, Mike.
Clark's an old friend.

And as far as I can tell,

you're the one that doesn't know
anything about music.

Easy, Clark.
Mike's good people.

I know enough about music
to tell you

that she killed
up on that stage tonight.

Yeah, so do I.
That's why I asked her back.

All right, Easy, Clark, now,
you're completely out of line.

He --
he just agreed with me.

I realized that mid-sentence,

but the train had
left the station.

See, now I'm all wound up.

A little more caffeine
will help.

Eve told me you didn't want her
performing anymore.

She told me that you didn't want
her back here.

That's -- that's weird.

Man, I hope she's not
giving up on this.

She has amazing talent.

Yeah, a talent for lying
to her dad.

Look, I'm real sorry I came in
and said all this stuff.

I apologize.

Ed, you know what, I'll see you
tomorrow at work.

I'm gonna jog over there
right now and unload a truck.

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

Hey.
Hey.

Ryan, what's going on?
You sounded upset on the phone.

Uh, yeah, actually I am.

Boyd finally confessed to us
that he stole the candy.

No.

And he told us it was because
you told him about Jesus.

No!

You have no idea
why I'm upset, do you?

No.

Look, I want Boyd
to tell the truth

because it's
the right thing to do,

and not because he thinks
he's gonna be punished

by an angry God.

I never said that.

Boyd was scared that if he told
you what he did,

you wouldn't
love him anymore.

So I said you were like
my friend Jesus,

and even if I do something bad,
as long as I'm honest,

he still loves me.

Oh.

Well, uh, Mandy drank
all of our wine.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Hey, and sorry I said
you were like Jesus,

even though you do have a beard
and you wear sandals a lot.

It's cool.
I have been called worse.

And, look, I would never try and
push my religion on your kid.

I respect you way too much
for that.

Thank you, Kyle.
I appreciate it.

You know, Ryan,
maybe it would help

if I told you
about my friend.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, this might surprise you,

but I know quite a little bit
about Jesus.

Oh, no, my friend Tom.
He's got a kid that steals, too.

♪♪

Hey.

Dad, I thought
you were in bed.

No, I went down
to the club.

I punched that guy Clark
right in the face.

Oh, God, really?

Bang, zow,
there was blood everywhere.

If the cops stop by...

tell them I was with you
all night, all right?

Eve, I talked to him.

What's going on?
He said you were great.

Just because I'm good at it
doesn't mean I enjoy it, Dad.

Like Eastwood,
who was always haunted

by all the guys
he'd killed,

but he can't stop killing

because no one can do
what he does.

Which Eastwood movie
is that?

All of them.

Except that piece of crap
about the bridges.

You said
you wrote that song,

you performed it,
and people loved it.

That had to mean something
to you.

Okay, yeah, you're right.

When I was up on stage,
it was -- I don't know.

I've never had a feeling
like that before.

Well, you're looking
for other stuff

that might be important
to you.

I think you have a lead
on something there.

Well, why did I lie?

Because you were scared?

I mean, the things we love
the most and matter the most,

it's kind of scary.

Why do I have a feeling

you're not gonna
let me bail on this?

Listen, it's your life.

But I think we should
be grateful

if we find something
we're passionate about.

But what if I fail?

Honey, you are most certainly
going to fail.

You think a 9% chance of getting
into West Point was tough?

Musicians would kill
for those kinds of odds.

You're saying
I should go for it anyway?

Life is short, kid.
It really is.

I don't think you should run
from stuff that challenges you.

If it scares you, I think
you run right towards it.

I'm pretty scared of music,

so I'm gonna run
right towards it.

Now, you know this advice
does not apply to bears?

Yeah.

-Just checking.
-Yeah.

And you know, kid, your mom
and I support you on this.

Yeah, I know.

Right.

Who moved the Impala?

Eve.

Who moved the Impala?!

Mr. Baxter?

Yeah, did you find it?

Yep!

It was in
Mr. Larabee's attic

next to an old
marching-band uniform.

Yeah,
he never mentioned that.

Listen,
what did Nigel say?

Oh, he's totally into it.

You really think it will be
a good idea for a band,

just drums and a trombone?

Yeah, the world's waiting
for that.

And -- And you'll help us
find a gig?

Yes, I said I would.

You guys practice a lot
in Larabee's garage,

and I'll help you out.

Oh, we will.

I got to tell Eve
about my new band!

Look out, world!

Whoo!

Did Cammy come in here
with my old trombone?

Why, yes, she did.

Good thing you got all those
bees out of your garage,

because she and Nigel
will need a nice place

to practice
their new band.

Why are you doing this
to me, Baxter?

Because I found out it was you
that moved the Impala!

Damn!

♪♪