Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 14 - Eve's Breakup - full transcript

"LAST MAN STANDING" IS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.

[ CHEERING ]
THE KNICKS COULD HAVE
WON THAT GAME

IF THEY'D HAVE HIT
A FEW MORE FREE THROWS.

OR IF THEY WERE
AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT TEAM.

LISTEN, DO YOU WANT TO
GO TO ED'S TODAY

AND WATCH
THE NUGGETS GAME?
MM.

NOTHING BETTER THAN AFTER
A LONG DAY OF WATCHING SPORTS --

MORE SPORTS.

I THINK ED JUST WANTS TO
SHOW OFF HIS FANCY NEW TV. 120"?

IT'S GOT TO BE CHEAPER JUST
TO PUNCH A WHOLE IN THE WALL



AND HAVE THE NUGGETS
PLAY IN THE YARD.

EVERY TIME I GO OVER THERE,
ED PUTS ME TO WORK.

I KNOW. I KNOW.
UH, "MAKE THE BEAN DIP,"

"LIGHT THE GRILL,"
"ROTATE MY TIRES."

THE DUDE IS RICH,
BUT HE'S CHEAP.
MM-HMM.

HE BUYS CAVIAR
WITH A GROUPON.

I'LL GO,
BUT IF HE ASKS ME

TO BUST UP AN OLD CHIFFOROBE,
I'M OUT.

OH, MY GOD.

MOM, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHAT I JUST HEARD?

EVE AND HER BOYFRIEND
BROKE UP.

THAT WAS MY NEWS.

I'M SORRY.

YOU CAN HAVE MY NEWS --
"I HEARD IT MIGHT SNOW TONIGHT."



IS EVE OKAY?
I DON'T KNOW.

I HEARD THIS FROM MY
OLD WOODBRIDGE HIGH CONTACTS.

OH, ALL RIGHT,
SO IT MIGHT JUST BE A RUMOR.
NOPE.

EVE AND JUSTIN
ARE DEFINITELY SPLITSVILLE.

I CONFIRMED IT
WITH THREE SOURCES,

ONE OF THEM
A BOY CHEERLEADER.

ALSO, JESSICA NOBLE --
PROBABLY BULIMIC.

OH, WELL...
ALTHOUGH I DO NOT HAVE

GAY CONFIRMATION
ON THAT AS OF YET.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU GOT ALL THIS NEWS

FROM THE GRAPEVINE,
NOT FROM PEOPLE.

THAT'S WHAT
THE "THE GRAPEVINE" IS.

OHH.

I THOUGHT YOU LEARNED
HOW TO TALK TO PLANTS.

I WAS HOPING
YOU COULD TELL ME

WHAT THE HECK MY FICUS
IS SO UPSET ABOUT.

I GOT SOME BAD NEWS.
HMM.

IS THIS REAL BAD NEWS,

OR SOMETHING I'VE GOT TO PRETEND
TO BE INTERESTED IN?

EVE AND JUSTIN
BROKE UP.

OH. WHOA.

THAT -- SHE'S --
THAT'S -- THAT'S JUST...

HOW IS THAT?

THIS IS
HER FIRST BREAKUP.

SHE'S GONNA BE
PRETTY DEPRESSED.

OORAH!

I JUST SET A NEW
OBSTACLE-COURSE RECORD.

AND WHOSE RECORD
DID I SMASH? MINE.

HIGH-FIVING REAGAN'S GHOST.
UP TOP, GIPPER.

BREAKS YOUR HEART
TO SEE YOUR KIDS

IN SO MUCH PAIN,
DOESN'T IT?

HONEY, HONEY,
ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH, I'M FINE, MOM.

I DON'T ACTUALLY SEE
REAGAN'S GHOST.

ALL RIGHT,
BUT -- BUT HOW IS JUSTIN?

OH.

YOUR MOM WOULD LIKE TO TALK
ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS,

SO, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,
COME UP WITH SOMETHING.

YES, MOM.

JUSTIN AND I DID BREAK UP,
BUT IT'S NOT A HUGE DEAL.

I'M REALLY OKAY
ABOUT IT.

YOU TRIED DATING,
DIDN'T WORK OUT SO WELL.

NOW YOU CAN CONCENTRATE
ON SCHOOL AND SPORTS

AND A LOT
OF OTHER THINGS

THAT DON'T MAKE ME
SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

AH, DAMN.
THESE ARE JUSTIN'S.

AND SEEING THEM
BRINGS UP FEELINGS?

YEAH -- IRRITATION.

RETURNING JUNK
HE LEFT IN MY BAG

WAS NOT PART
OF MY CLEAN-EXIT STRATEGY.

LEAVE IT ALONE.
SHE'S FINE, OKAY?

HONEY, TEENAGE GIRLS ARE NOT
THIS BLASé ABOUT BREAKUPS.

TEENAGE GIRLS
AREN'T EVE.

SHE'S LIKE A SUPERHUMAN HYBRID
OF A MALE AND A FEMALE.

I'D USE THE TERM
"MASTER RACE,"

BUT THAT LOSER HITLER
SCREWED THAT UP FOR EVERYBODY.

-- Captions by VITAC --

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

STILL FINE. SORRY.

HONEY, YOU KNOW
[SIGHS] I PROMISE,

YOU WILL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER
IF YOU JUST LET YOURSELF CRY.

OH, SO YOU'RE BACKPEDALING
ON LAST WEEK'S SPEECH

ABOUT LAUGHTER BEING
THE BEST MEDICINE?

HEY, HEY, HEY.
FIRST BREAKUPS ARE DEVASTATING.

I KNOW MINE WAS.

IT WAS HIGH SCHOOL.
HIS NAME WAS JEFF,

AND I-I THOUGHT HE WAS SO COOL
'CAUSE HE HAD A MUSTANG.

AND YET, YOU MARRIED
THE FISHING-POLE SALESMAN.

[ CHUCKLES ]

JEFF AND I WERE VERY,
VERY SERIOUS.

AT LEAST, I WAS.

I GUESS -- I GUESS
HE WAS JUST PRETENDING,

WHICH,
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

IS REALLY JUST ANOTHER WORD
FOR LYING.

HE WAS A LIAR.

OHH!

IT FEELS KIND OF GOOD
JUST TO SAY THAT.

GREAT.
SO, UH, WE DONE HERE?

HE WOULD WRITE ME
THESE LITTLE NOTES.

OKAY, SILL GOING.

HE PROMISED TO LOVE ME
TILL THE END OF TIME.

AND APPARENTLY TIME ENDED
THE WEEK BEFORE PROM, SO...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
WE'RE ALL STILL DOING HERE.

ME NEITHER.

MOM, LISTEN.

THE BREAKUP
BETWEEN ME AND JUSTIN

WAS COMPLETELY MUTUAL,
OKAY?
HONEY...

WE BOTH JUST REALIZED WE'RE
TOO BUSY TO DATE RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S ALL.
REALLY? IT'S THAT SIMPLE?

IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION...
YEAH?

...THIS HAS BEEN
EXHAUSTING.

TA-DA!

OH, YEAH.

YEAH, I COULD TOTALLY MAKE
THAT DRESS FOR YOU.

BUT I AM WORRIED
ABOUT THE COST.

OH, DAD'S PAYING.

NO, THE COST WOULD BE
OUR RELATIONSHIP.

I COULD NOT BE SISTERS

WITH SOMEONE
WHO WOULD WEAR THAT DRESS.

[ LAUGHS ]

WELL, I LIKE IT.

OKAY.

AND I DO HAVE
ANOTHER SISTER.

HEY.

HEY, MOM.
HEY, UH, HOW'S EVE DOING?

I CANNOT GET HER TO CRY.
OH, REALLY?

HAVE YOU TRIED DROPPING HER OFF
AT SCHOOL IN YOUR BATHROBE YET?

BECAUSE THAT WORKED
WHEN YOU DID IT FOR ME.

EVE SWEARS SHE'S FINE.

SHES SAYS
THE BREAKUP WAS MUTUAL.

YOU KNOW WHO
ALWAYS CALLS IT MUTUAL?

THE PERSON WHO GOT DUMPED.
MM.

OH, GOD.
YOU'RE RIGHT.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I TOLD
PEOPLE WHEN JEFF DUMPED ME.

WHO'S JEFF?
[ SIGHS ]

SOME LIAR.

HEY, MAYBE WE COULD
HELP HER OPEN UP.

LET'S PUT HER IN AN ENVIRONMENT
WERE SHE FEELS COMFORTABLE.

OHH, I DON'T WANT TO GO
TO A MONSTER-TRUCK RALLY.

NO, HANGING OUT
WITH HER SISTERS.

YEAH, AND HER FUN MOM.
YEAH.

YEAH, WE COULD GO FOR TEA,
AND THEN --

AND THEN
WEDDING-DRESS SHOPPING.
OH.

AND WE'LL TALK AND TALK
AND TALK.

WHEREVER YOU'RE GOING,
PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU.

I'M JUST GOING OVER
TO ED'S BASEMENT.

OH, I'M IN.

BEATS AN AFTERNOON
OF TALKING AND TEA

WITH THE CAST
OF "THE VIEW."

THIS COULD BE FUN.

WE'RE GONNA GO SEE A TV

THAT COST MORE
THAN HIS FIRST CAR,

WHICH I BELIEVE
WAS THE FIRST CAR.

COME IN. COME IN.
COME IN. COME IN HERE.

CHECK OUT MY NEW HOME THEATER.
WHOA. HEY.

THIS IS NOT NEARLY AS CREEPY
AS WHAT I PICTURED

YOU BUILDING DOWN HERE
IN THE BASEMENT.

WELCOME TO CINEMA ALZATE.
ADMISSION IS FREE.

BUT I DO INTEND TO GOUGE YOU
ON THE SNACKS.

JUST KIDDING.
THERE'S NO EATING IN HERE.

GIVE ME THE GUM.

SERIOUSLY?

GUM, PLEASE.

[ SPITS ]

AT LEAST NO EATING MEANS

I WON'T HAVE TO MAKE
THE BEAN DIP.

WELL, THAT'S PROBABLY
A GOOD THING.

WINDOWLESS ROOM?
BEANS?

CHECK THIS OUT.

NOTICE HOW THE OPENING

COMPLETELY VANISHES
INTO THE PANELING.

SO YOUR CAPTIVES
CAN'T FIND THEIR WAY OUT.

SO, UH, WHERE'S THIS NEW,
BIG TV, MR. ALZATE?

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

BEHOLD.

HUH? ALL WE HAVE TO DO
IS SET IT UP.

HE HASN'T EVEN TAKEN IT
OUT OF THE BOX.

WELL, THAT'S WHY
I INVITED YOU EARLY.

COME ON. LET'S GET TO WORK.
TIP-OFF IN 20 MINUTES.

WHERE'S THE DOOR?
OH, GOD, THERE'S NO DOOR!

HEY.
I REALLY LIKE THIS ONE.

DON'T FALL IN LOVE.

REMEMBER, WE'RE JUST HERE
TO RIP OFF IDEAS.

I FEEL A LITTLE GUILTY

ABOUT YOU STEALING
SOMEONE ELSE'S DESIGN.

SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.
DON'T WORRY.

IT'LL BE KRISTIN'S
"SOMETHING BORROWED."

THERE'S OUR BRIDESMAID.

OH!

AND I HAVE TO SAY,
THAT LOOKS AMAZING ON YOU.

RIGHT?
[ CHUCKLES ]

AND,
MOTHER OF THE BRIDE,

I HAVE TO SAY
THAT LOOKS AMAZING ON YOU.

REALLY?
MOM, HE WORKS HERE.

HE LITERALLY
HAS TO SAY IT.

HOW'S IT GOING IN THERE?
ALMOST DONE.

WEDDING DRESSES
ARE A GIANT HASSLE.

WAIT TILL
YOU TRY MARRIAGE.

TRUST ME.

OKAY.
[ GIGGLES ]

HERE I COME.
YEAH.

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]
HONEY, YOU'RE --
YOU'RE JUST GORGEOUS.

I KNOW, MOM, BUT RIGHT NOW,
THIS IS ABOUT KRISTIN.

SO...
DO YOU LIKE IT?

YES.
SO YOU LIKE IT?

NO, CAN WE SEE
ANOTHER OPTION?

OF COURSE.

BUT I HAVE TO SAY --
I KNOW -- "AMAZING."

BUT, UH,
ANOTHER OPTION, PLEASE.

YES.

I CAN TOTALLY MAKE THAT DRESS,
ONLY BETTER.

[ SQUEALS, GIGGLES ]
CHEERS.
YEAH.

[ GIGGLING ]
N-O-O-O!

CHAMPAGNE ALWAYS HELPS
MY CREATIVE PROCESS.

I ASSUME.

FROM...
WHAT I'VE READ.

IN THE BIBLE.
AHH.

MM.

BOY, I HOPE EVE IS HAVING
A GOOD TIME WITH YOUR DAD.

YEAH, TEENAGE BREAKUPS
CAN BE SO PAINFUL.

AND SOMETIMES
THEY ARE JUST AWKWARD.

LIKE MY BREAKUP
WITH KYLE.

I THOUGHT THINGS ENDED OKAY
WITH YOU AND KYLE?

YEAH, YOU ALWAYS SAID
THAT IT WAS MUTUAL.

MUTUAL.
YOU "MUTUAL-ED" KYLE?

THE AWKWARD PART
WAS HOW HARD HE TRIED

TO GET ME BACK --
NOTES, POEMS, FLOWERS.

WELL, NO --
DIRT AND SEEDS.

HE THOUGHT I'D HAVE MORE FUN
MAKING MY OWN.

KYLE ONLY GIVES DIRT TO PEOPLE
THAT HE REALLY CARES ABOUT.

IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.
I JUST KEPT SAYING NO.

OH. [ SCOFFS ]

I MEAN, IT SORT OF SOUNDS
LIKE A BIG DEAL.

UH, HOW LONG DID THIS
WHOLE THING GO ON FOR?

NOT LONG.
LIKE SIX MONTHS.

I'M SORRY.
SIX MONTHS?

DID I EVER TELL YOU GIRLS
ABOUT JEFF?

[ CHUCKLES ]
NOW, THERE WAS A BREAKUP.

WHY HAVE YOU NEVER TOLD ME
ABOUT THIS?

YOU MEAN
WE COULD HAVE HAD

THIS SUPER-FUN CONVERSATION
EVEN SOONER?

I TRIED TO GET JEFF BACK.
[ CHUCKLES ]

HE LOVED "FLASHDANCE,"

SO I-I GOT A CHAIR AND A BUCKET
OF WATER, AND...

I'M SORRY
THAT I DON'T LIKE HEARING

HOW HEARTBROKEN KYLE WAS
OVER YOU.
RIGHT.

I'M GETTING MARRIED,
EVE'S GOING THROUGH A BREAKUP.

BUT SOMEHOW, ONCE AGAIN,
TODAY BECOMES ALL ABOUT MANDY.

OKAY, WELL, IF YOU WANT IT
TO BE ALL ABOUT YOU,

WHY DON'T YOU MAKE
YOUR OWN DAMN WEDDING DRESS?

I DIDN'T WANT
YOUR KNOCK-OFF DRESS, ANYWAY.

I CAN'T IMAGINE

A MORE BEAUTIFUL DRESS
THAN THIS ONE.

SO YOU'LL TAKE IT?
YES.

NO.

THAT ONE IS ALSO PRETTY.
I'LL BE IN HERE.

ALL RIGHT, THE MANUAL ESTIMATED
10 MINUTES FOR THIS STEP.

WHAT ARE YOU CLOWNS
DOING DOWN THERE?

YOU KNOW,
I THINK WE'RE DOING A GOOD JOB

CONSIDERING
THE ONLY TOOLS YOU HAVE

ARE NEEDLE-NOSE PLIERS

AND WHATEVER THE HELL
THIS THING IS.

I FINALLY FOUND THE CABLE
FOR THE BACK SPEAKERS.

HUH.

WELL,
I GOT THE SHORTEST ONE.

I MEAN, I SAVED FIVE BUCKS.
GREAT.

NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DO
IS MOVE THAT WALL OVER HERE.

YES!
DENVER JUST TIED IT!

OOH, OOH, LET ME SEE.
LET ME SEE.

YOU DON'T WANT TO WATCH THE GAME
ON THAT LITTLE PHONE.

YOU KNOW, THE PHONE
HAS AN ADVANTAGE --

IT'S NOT JUST A BIG,
BLACK RECTANGLE.

I THINK WE GOT ENOUGH STUFF
HOOKED UP HERE.

I-I-I'M FIRING
THIS BAD BOY UP.

WELL, NOW, HOLD ON.
DO IT. DO IT.

OKAY, MIKE. OKAY, HERE I GO.
GO, GO, GO.

AND...
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

WHAT...
WHAT THE...

THANK YOU FOR THAT, CHUCK.
THAT REALLY SETS US BACK.

NO, I JUST OVERLOADED
THE CIRCUIT.

DO YOU HAVE THE TV ON THE SAME
CIRCUIT AS THE LIGHTS?

IT'S JUST A TV.

PLUGGING THIS THING IN
IS LIKE PLUGGING IN VEGAS.

UH, I COULD GO
RESET THE BREAKER.

GOOD. GO AHEAD.
YEAH, THE PANEL'S
IN THE KITCHEN.

RIGHT THERE.
RIGHT UP -- YEAH.
OKAY.

JUST GO RIGHT TO YOUR LEFT
RIGHT THERE. UP.

MIKEY, NO OFFENSE,

BUT I THINK HAVING EVE HERE
IS INHIBITING OUR FUN.

YEAH, I'M SURE EVE IS THE REASON
WE'RE NOT HAVING FUN,

NOT THE FACT THAT WE GOT
NO LIGHTS AND NO TV.

AND NO GUM.

SHE BROKE UP
WITH HER FIRST BOYFRIEND,

HER MOM'S BEEN BUGGING HER
ABOUT IT AT HOME.

I JUST WANTED TO
GET HER OUT OF THE HOUSE,

GIVE HER A LITTLE SPACE,
OKAY?

YEAH, WOMEN LOVE
PICKING EMOTIONS APART.

IT'S LIKE A BLOOMIN' ONION
AT HAPPY HOUR.

IF WE'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO EAT IN HERE,

I DON'T WANT TO
TALK ABOUT FOOD.

AH!
OKAY.
GOOD GOING!

YOU'RE A GOOD DAD,
BAXTER.

LET THE GIRL PROCESS THINGS
AT HER OWN PACE.

YEAH, HE'S RIGHT.

SHE'S BETTER OFF
NOT DWELLING ON IT.

SO, WHAT'S THIS DEAL
ABOUT THE BREAKUP?

ED, DWELLING.

UM, I'M FINE, MR. ALZATE.
NO BIGGIE.

I MEAN, ANYONE CARE

THAT THE NUGGETS
JUST WENT ON A 12-0 RUN?

ALL RIGHT,
NOW, THAT'S SMART.

TAKE YOUR MIND OFF THE PAIN.

EVENTUALLY YOU FORGET IT, AND --
AND YOU GET OVER IT, RIGHT?

OH, YOU FORGET.

BUT DO YOU
EVER REALLY GET OVER IT?

NOT IF YOU DISCUSS
YOUR FEELINGS

WITH YOUR DAD'S
MIDDLE-AGED FRIENDS.

LISA DEMERAY.

HUH?

SHE SAT NEXT TO ME
IN EIGHTH-GRADE MATH.

SHE BORROWED MY PROTRACTOR,
AND I NEVER WASHED IT AGAIN.

YOU -- YOU WASHED
YOUR PROTRACTOR, HUH?

WHAT DID YOU MEASURE
WITH THAT THING?

I-I FINALLY GOT UP THE NERVE
TO TALK TO HER,

AND SHE TOLD ME HER FAMILY
WAS MOVING TO BALTIMORE.

WHENEVER THEY SHOW THE CROWD
AT A RAVENS GAME,

I-I LOOK FOR HER.

YOU KNOW, I'M PRETTY SURE
SHE DOESN'T LOOK

LIKE SHE DID
IN THE EIGHTH GRADE.

BUT IT'S GREAT TO KNOW
WHY YOU WATCH FOOTBALL.

OKAY, SO, UH,
WE READY TO TRY THIS AGAIN?

IT WAS THE SPRING OF '56.

GUESS NOT.

TAMMY BALACEK AND I
[CHUCKLES]

WOULD KISS
IN THE MOONLIGHT,

TELLING EACH OTHER
OUR DREAMS.

YEAH. THAT'S WHEN DREAMS
USED TO BE BLACK AND WHITE.

UNLIKE OUR FLAT-SCREEN,
WHICH IS STILL BLACK!

ONE DAY,
OUT OF THE BLUE,

SHE SAYS SHE'S NOT
FEELING IT ANYMORE.

[ Voice breaking ]
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

TRUE LOVE IS RIGHT THERE,

AND SHE SAYS
SHE'S NOT FEELING IT.

I BETTER TEST
THESE 3-D GLASSES.

I DON'T THINK WE NEED TV.

WE GOT "THE BROTHERHOOD
OF THE TRAVELING PANTS"

RIGHT HERE.

BAXTER, IT MIGHT BE GOOD FOR EVE
TO HEAR THIS STUFF.

I MEAN,
IT'S HARD WHEN YOUR --

YOUR HEART GETS RIPPED
OUT OF YOUR CHEST.

NOBODY RIPPED HER HEART
OUT OF HER CHEST.

THIS WAS A MUTUAL BREAKUP,
RIGHT?

ACTUALLY,
I KIND OF JUST SAID THAT.

YEAH,
I BROKE UP WITH JUSTIN.

HE WAS JUST MORE INTO ME
THAN I WAS INTO HIM.

Mike: OKAY.

TAMMY BALACEK
ALL OVER AGAIN.

I'M FEELING KIND OF BAD
BECAUSE WHEN JUSTIN

STARTED CRYING,
I KIND OF LAUGHED.

HE CRIED?

YOU LAUGHED?

WHAT KIND OF MONSTER
HAVE YOU RAISED?

DON'T LISTEN
TO THESE GUYS.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S PROBABLY
NOT USED TO SEEING MEN CRY.

BUT AFTER TODAY,
IT'LL BE LIKE OLD HAT.

YEAH, JUSTIN CRYING JUST
CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD, THAT'S ALL.

EVE, YOU'RE A GOOD KID
AND ALL,

BUT THAT -- THAT --
THAT'S COLD.

THAT'S -- THAT'S DEEP SPACE,
DARK-SIDE-OF-THE-MOON COLD.

UH, LET'S HAVE ENOUGH
OF THIS.

LET'S WATCH
A LITTLE BASKETBALL.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S WHAT WE CAME HERE FOR,
HUH? SIT DOWN.

SATELLITE ON, GUYS.
Ed: LET'S GO.

SIT DOWN, AND LET'S WATCH
SOME BASKETBALL. ALL RIGHT.

Announcer: ANOTHER
INCREDIBLE WIN FOR DENVER.

STAY TUNED
FOR POST-GAME COVERAGE,

AND OUR INTERVIEW
WITH TY LAWSON,

THE QUIZNO'S BACON RANCH PLAYER
OF THE GAME.

WOW, THAT WAS SOME GAME.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE WE'LL COME BY HERE

AND NOT WATCH THE SUPER BOWL
WHEN IT'S ON.

WE NEED TO TALK
ABOUT THIS KYLE THING.

I AM CHANGING.
WELL, GOOD,

BECAUSE I'M NOT CRAZY
ABOUT WHO YOU ARE RIGHT NOW.

MOM?!

SHE'S NOT HERE.

SHE'S OFF BONDING
WITH THE SALESMAN.

THEY'VE BOTH BEEN DUMPED
BY LIARS NAMED JEFF.

LOOK, OKAY?

KYLE WAS NEVER REALLY
IN LOVE WITH ME.

I-I-I-I THINK
HE JUST FELT OBLIGATED

BECAUSE I'M A SINGLE MOM

AND -- AND BOYD HAD GOTTEN
REALLY ATTACHED TO HIM.

BOYD WAS ONLY 4 THEN.

THEY LIKED A LOT
OF THE SAME BOOKS.

ALL OF THOSE TIMES
THAT KYLE TRIED TO GET YOU BACK,

YOU REJECTED HIM
EVERY SINGLE TIME?

YES, I PROMISE, OKAY? YOU HAVE
NO REASON TO BE JEALOUS.

JEALOUS?
WHY WOULD I BE JEALOUS?

I'M JUST MAD AT YOU
FOR REJECTING MY SWEET KYLE.

OH. WHAT?

THAT MUST HAVE REALLY HURT
HIS FEELINGS --

COMING TO YOU
WITH DIRT AND SEEDS

AND GETTING TURNED DOWN OVER
AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

SO, YOU'RE MAD AT ME

FOR NOT GETTING BACK
WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND?

ALL HE WANTED
WAS ANOTHER SHOT.

SEE, THIS IS WHY I THINK YOU
AND KYLE ARE THE REAL THING.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
I'VE SEEN YOU

PUT SOMEONE ELSE'S FEELINGS
AHEAD OF YOUR OWN.

IS THAT WHAT I DID?

YEAH.

AND YOU DID IT
WITHOUT EVEN THINKING.

THAT'S WHEN
I DO MY BEST STUFF.

Announcer: WHAT A NIGHT!

DENVER WINS IN TRIPLE OVERTIME,
143-142.

[ RADIO TURNS OFF ]

WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA
MISS A GAME,

MIGHT AS WELL MISS
THE BEST ONE OF THE YEAR.

[ SIGHS ]

WHAT IF ED AND CHUCK
ARE RIGHT ABOUT ME BEING COLD?

EVE, COME ON.

IN THE LAST TWO DAYS,

I'VE BEEN CALLED A MONSTER
AND A ROBOT.

IT'S STARTING TO HURT.

WHO CALLED YOU A ROBOT?

JUSTIN...

WHEN I LAUGHED AT HIM
FOR CRYING.

ROBOTS DON'T LAUGH
AT OTHER PEOPLE'S PAIN.

THAT WOULD BE
A SOCIOPATH.

[ SCOFFS ]
DAD, I'M SERIOUS.

I MEAN,
HAVE YOU EVER LAUGHED

WHEN SOMEONE YOU CARED ABOUT
WAS IN PAIN?

NO. YES.

I MEAN, YOUR MOM MADE
SOME PRETTY FUNNY FACES

WHEN SHE
WAS DELIVERING KRISTIN.

AND I'M TELLING YOU
RIGHT NOW,

NEVER TELL A WOMAN
IN LABOR

THAT SHE LOOKS
LIKE BUDDY HACKETT.

I DON'T KNOW. JUSTIN WAS
MY FIRST REAL BOYFRIEND.

I THINK MAYBE
I SHOULD BE MORE UPSET.

WHAT YOU THINK
DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.

SEE, THIS IS
ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS.

AND YOUR FEELINGS
ARE GONNA COME UP.

EVEN IF
IT'S 50 YEARS LATER

WHEN YOU'RE SHOWING OFF
YOUR MEDIA ROOM.

SO, I'M NOT COLD?
YOU'RE NOT COLD AT ALL.

YOU HAVE
GREAT FEELINGS.

YOU -- YOU CARE
ABOUT YOUR FAMILY

AND YOUR FRIENDS AND GOD
AND THE BRONCOS...

I DO CRY WHEN THEY LOSE.
MM-HMM.

AND I CRIED
AFTER THE 2012 ELECTION.

I MEAN,
EVEN ROMNEY DIDN'T CRY.

HE'S NOT
PROGRAMMED TO.

ROMNEY IS,
IN FACT, A ROBOT.

HEY.

HEY, HOW WAS ED'S TV?

HEAVY.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?
YOU OKAY?

YOU HAVE ANY FEELINGS
YOU WANT --

I GOT TO GO.

WELL, GOOD GOING.
YOU SPOOKED HER.

LIKE THAT 10-POINT BUCK I TRIED
TO SHOOT ON OUR HONEYMOON.

YEAH.

YEAH, HONEY, YOU KNOW,
YOU SHOT AT A DEER

FROM THE BALCONY
OF OUR BRIDAL SUITE.

MM-HMM.
AND, UH -- AND I'M THE ONE
WHO'S OUT OF LINE?

UNH-UNH.
[ CHUCKLES ]

HEY, DID SHE SHOW ANY EMOTION?
SHE CRY? ANYTHING?
NO.

IF SHE NEEDS LESSONS,

SHE CAN TAKE THEM
FROM ED AND CHUCK.

HEY, MOM, HAVE YOU SEEN
JUSTIN'S HEADPHONES?

I WANT TO RETURN THEM
AND GET THIS OVER WITH.

UH, YEAH, I DROPPED THEM OFF
WITH JUSTIN'S MOM.

WHAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE IS SO SWEET.

WOULD IT BE WEIRD FOR YOU
IF BETTY AND I STAYED FRIENDS?

YOU DROPPED THEM OFF?

WELL, Y-Y-YOU DIDN'T
WANT TO HAVE TO SEE HIM,

SO I JUST THOUGHT I WOULD --
HOW CAN YOU DO THAT, MOM?

I WAS GOING TO DO THAT!
YOU DIDN'T EVEN ASK ME FIRST!

NO, NO, NO, BUT, BABE,
YOU SAID YOU WANTED
A CLEAN EXIT, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST DO ME
A FAVOR AND DON'T THINK, OKAY?

JUST -- FROM NOW ON,
STAY OUT OF MY LIFE.

[ SIGHS ]

HONEY, I --

THERE'S SOME EMOTION.
EVERYBODY HAPPY?

[ EVE CRYING ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SHE'S IN THERE CRYING, MIKE.
IT'S TERRIBLE.

ALL WEEK LONG,
YOU'VE WANTED HER TO CRY.

YES, SHE'S MY BABY.

WELL, NOW THAT SHE'S CRYING,
YOU WANT HER TO STOP?

YES, SHE'S MY BABY.

S-S-SHE JUST NEEDS SOME TIME
BY HERSELF.

JUST GET AWAY FR--
W-W-WAIT, BUT IF --

HAVE I MADE IT CLEAR

THAT I'M AVAILABLE
TO TALK TO HER ABOUT THIS?

I THINK
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.

OH -- WELL, I-I'M GONNA WAIT
HERE JUST IN CASE SHE NEEDS ME.

AS LONG AS IT TAKES.

Eve: MOM?

OH, THANK GOD.

HEY, MIKE BAXTER HERE
FOR OUTDOOR MAN

WITH OUR VALENTINE'S DAY
GIFT COMBO --

HIP WADERS AND A SLEEPING BAG.

HMM?

SEE, YOU'LL NEED
THE SLEEPING BAG

WHEN YOUR WIFE KICKS YOU OUT

BECAUSE YOU BOUGHT HER
HIP WADERS.

VALENTINE'S DAY
IS A CELEBRATION OF LOVE.

BUT FOR A LOT OF LONELY PEOPLE,

IT'S A BIG HOLIDAY
FOR DEPRESSION,

WHICH IS WHY WE'LL BE CLOSING
THE SHOOTING RANGE

VERY EARLY THAT DAY.

WITH SO MUCH HEARTBREAK,

WHY DO WE PUT
OURSELVES THROUGH THIS?

IS LOVE NECESSARY
FOR OUR SURVIVAL?

ANIMALS DON'T LOVE,
AND THEY SURVIVE JUST FINE,

PRESENT COMPANY EXCLUDED.

WHEN YOU SEE A GIRAFFE RUNNING
ON THE SAVANNAH,

IT'S NOT RUNNING
AFTER ANOTHER GIRAFFE

SAYING,
"PLEASE, DON'T LEAVE ME."

IT'S RUNNING FROM A LION SAYING,
"PLEASE DON'T EAT ME."

ONLY HUMANS ARE CAPABLE OF LOVE,

AND THE BEST KIND OF LOVE
IS UNCONDITIONAL --

LOVE OF FAMILY, LOVE OF FRIENDS,
LOVE OF GOD...

AND LOVE OF YOUR NEW 4x4.

LOVE IS ABOUT
THE BEST THING HUMANS HAVE.

AS THE AUTHOR
ROBERT BRAULT SAID,

"FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE YOU
FOR NO REASON,

AND SHOWER THAT PERSON
WITH REASONS."

THAT IS THE ULTIMATE HAPPINESS.

SO, MAYBE FOLLOW UP THOSE
HIP WADERS WITH SOME FLOWERS.

BUT WHATEVER YOU DO,

DON'T SHOW HER THE PRESENT
YOU GOT YOUR TRUCK.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
FROM ALL OF US AT OUTDOOR MAN.