Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 13 - Mike Hires Chuck - full transcript

"LAST MAN STANDING" IS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.

ISN'T THIS GREAT --

FOUR OF US GIRLS
ALL STUDYING TOGETHER?

YEAH,
IT'S ESPECIALLY GREAT

HOW YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING
TO POINT THAT OUT.

WELL, I CAN'T LOOK AT
THESE TEACHER-TRAINING MANUALS

ONE MORE MINUTE.

I HAVE AN IDEA --
COFFEE RUN!

MOM, IT'S AFTER 9:00.
WE'D BE UP ALL NIGHT.

WELL, WHO'S UP
FOR SOME FRO-YO, THEN?



WE HAVE SOME
IN THE FREEZER.

OKAY, FINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU GUYS, YOU'RE THE LAMEST
ROOMMATES EVER.

I REALLY HOPE MY COLLEGE
EXPERIENCE ISN'T THIS SAD.

ME TOO.

UH, THIS IS
YOUR COLLEGE EXPERIENCE.

OKAY. NOW I'M SAD.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATION ]

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
HEY!

HEY, GUYS.
HI!

HOW WAS
THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE DINNER,

MR. PHILANTHROPIST
OF THE YEAR?

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

IT WAS HUMBLING AND...
LONG OVERDUE.



I ACTUALLY TEARED UP
DURING THE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH.

I DO THAT
WHEN I'M YAWNING.

WELL, ED, YOU REALLY
DESERVE THIS HONOR.

YOU HAVE DONE SO MUCH
FOR DENVER.

OH, COME ON.
YOU KNOW,
THE ED ALZATE TRAUMA CENTER...

WELL...IT'S TRUE.
...THE ED ALZATE SCHOLARSHIP,
THE ED ALZATE PARK.

KIDS GET HURT
AT THE PARK,

THEY GO RIGHT TO
THE TRAUMA CENTER.

WELL,
IT'S CALLED "SYNERGY."

IF THERE'S ONE THING
I'VE LEARNED IN LIFE --

IF YOU WANT TO BE RECOGNIZED
FOR SOMETHING,

JUST SLAP
YOUR NAME ON IT.

BUT DOESN'T TAKING CREDIT
FOR GOOD DEEDS MAKE THEM...

LESS GOOD?

SAYS WHO?

OH -- MAIMONIDES,
THE MEDIEVAL PHILOSOPHER.

DAD, TIME TO BREAK OUT
THAT YAWN AGAIN.

ACCORDING TO MAIMONIDES,
THE HIGHEST FORM OF CHARITY

IS GIVING
WITHOUT TAKING ANY CREDIT.

I'M SORRY,
I COULDN'T HEAR YOU

OVER THE MEMORY OF HUNDREDS
OF PEOPLE APPLAUDING ME.

ON THE OTHER HAND,
WHEN PEOPLE SEE YOU GIVE,

IT ENCOURAGES OTHERS
TO BE GENEROUS.

THAT'S WHY GOD INVENTED
THE COLLECTION PLATE.

YOU KNOW, MIKE,
THIS COULD BE GOOD PUBLICITY

FOR THE STORE.

WELL, WE COULD TAKE A PICTURE
OF YOU IN THE MEDAL

AND PUT IT
IN THE NEWSPAPER.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, LAST YEAR,
WHEN PETE CUTLER WON THE AWARD,

HIS COMPANY PUT UP
A 30-FOOT BILLBOARD.

PETE CUTLER OWNS
A BILLBOARD COMPANY.

OH, FORGET IT. THEN I'LL --
I'LL JUST, UH, TACK UP A FLYER

IN THE BREAK ROOM,
AND I'LL SPRING FOR THE TACK.

BOSS, IF YOU WANT A BILLBOARD,
I'LL GET YOU A BILLBOARD.

OKAY. GOOD.
[ CHUCKLES ] GOOD.

YOU KNOW,
I JUST HAPPENED TO BE

DOODLING SOME BILLBOARD DESIGNS
HERE WHILE...

WHILE THE CHILDREN'S CHOIR
WAS DRONING ON, HEY.

"ED ALZATE --
40 YEARS OF SERVICE TO DENVER."

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
WHOSE PICTURE'S THAT?

THAT'S ME.

OH.
YOU ARE A PHILANTHROPIST.

VERY GENEROUS
WITH THE HAIR.

[ ENGINE SHUTS OFF ]

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

HEY, KYLE,
WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

ACCORDING TO THE BILLBOARD,
IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR 40 YEARS.

I GUESS THAT'S ONE WAY
TO GIVE BACK TO THE COMMUNITY.

-- Captions by VITAC --

DID YOU SEE IT?
YEAH.

YOU'RE REALLY CLEANING UP
THIS AWARD SEASON.

YOU GOT
THAT SERVICE AWARD.

NOW YOU GET A MEDAL
FOR SPREADING STDs.

YES, YES, FUNNY --
VERY FUNNY.

I WANT WHOEVER DID THIS
DRAWN AND QUARTERED --

NO, MAKE IT EIGHTHS.

I WANT TO GIVE HIM
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.

ED, ED. CALM DOWN.
YOU KNOW WHAT DOCTORS SAY.

STRESS WILL BRING ON
ANOTHER OUTBREAK.

I'M AN AWARD-WINNING
PHILANTHROPIST.

I THOUGHT
PEOPLE LIKED ME.

IF PEOPLE
DIDN'T LIKE YOU,

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE CAUGHT
SO MANY DISEASES.

DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY.

IT'S JUST SOME PUNKS
HAVING FUN.

I'M GONNA FIRE
THE WHOLE SECURITY STAFF.

OUR SECURITY STAFF
DOES A GREAT JOB.

WHAT WE NEED IS A LITTLE HELP
OUTSIDE AT NIGHT.

WE NEED SOMEONE TO DEFEND
THE PERIMETER, I GUESS --

A CRIMINAL MASTERMIND.

YEAH, OR A 13-YEAR-OLD
WITH A SPRAY CAN

AND A VERY FLEXIBLE
CURFEW.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME
SHADOW YOUR CLASS, CAROL.

I JUST FEEL LIKE
I'M ONE STEP CLOSER TO...

[ Funky accent ]
...GETTIN' MY TEACH ON.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

WELL, THERE'S STILL
SOME THINGS YOU HAVE TO LEARN...

[ Normal voice ] YEAH.
...LIKE NEVER USING
THAT EXPRESSION AGAIN.

I GUESS I SHOULD ALSO
STOP CALLING MYSELF

YOUR "WHITE SHADOW."

THAT I DON'T MIND.

OH. HEY, MRS. LARABEE.

HEY, HONEY.
HELLO, MANDY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WOULD LOVE TO COMPLIMENT YOU
ON THAT OUTFIT,

BUT I'M GONNA WAIT
TILL AFTER YOU LEAVE,

'CAUSE THAT WAY
IT'LL MEAN MORE.

PHILOSOPHY.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN STANDING THERE?

LONG ENOUGH TO SEE SOMETHING
RARE AND WEIRD.

LIKE A UNICORN...

DOING DISHES.

OR MAYBE I'M JUST GOING OUT
OF MY WAY

TO DO SOMETHING NICE
WITHOUT TAKING CREDIT.

SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY'S TOOTING
THEIR OWN HORN RIGHT NOW.

IT MUST BE KYLE.
I GOT TO RUN.

[ Chuckling ] WOW.

EVIE, SOMEONE DID SOMETHING
VERY THOUGHTFUL IN HERE.

AND I'D LOVE TO TAKE CREDIT,
BUT AS WE KNOW,

DOING GOOD WITHOUT CREDIT
IS ITS OWN REWARD.

[ INHALES DEEPLY ]

THAT SAID, IF SOME NACHOS
FOUND THE WAY TO MY ROOM,

I WOULDN'T COMPLAIN.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

HEY, HONEY.
HEY. YOU KNOW WHAT?

OUR GIRLS ARE TURNING INTO
SOME VERY FINE YOUNG WOMEN.

YEAH. IT'S ALL ME.

YOU KNOW THAT BILLBOARD
WE PUT UP FOR ED?

YEAH, YEAH.

SOMEBODY SPRAYED GRAFFITI
ALL OVER IT.

IT'S SUGGESTING
ED IS RIDDLED WITH STDs.

[ GASPS ] OH, MY GOD.
[ LAUGHS ]

HE'S BEEN FIELDING CALLS
FROM EX-GIRLFRIENDS ALL DAY.

THOSE MUST BE
UNCOMFORTABLE.

NAH, JUST THE ONE
THAT CALLED TO APOLOGIZE.

WE'RE GONNA GET
A NEW BILLBOARD,

AND I'M GONNA BEEF UP
SECURITY,

SO I'M THINKING
OF ASKING CHUCK LARABEE

IF HE WANTS THE JOB.

UH, WELL -- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
NO, HONEY.

UM...THE...
CAROL'S OUT THERE.

WELL,
TELL HER THE GOOD NEWS.

SHE'LL BE SPENDING A LOT
LESS TIME WITH HER HUSBAND.

YEAH, BUT IF YOU HIRE HIM
AT WORK,

THAT PUTS YOU IN THE AWKWARD
POSITION OF BEING CHUCK'S BOSS.

NOT AWKWARD FOR ME.
Y-Y-YEAH, NO.

BUT YOU'D BE MIXING FRIENDSHIP
WITH WORK AND JUST --

I-I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, BUT IT'S
NOT LIKE THAT WITH GUYS.

REALLY, IT ISN'T.
WE SEPARATE THAT.
NO?

WELL, YOU REMEMBER THE SCENE
IN "THE GODFATHER"

WHEN TOM HAGEN
WENT TO TESSIO...
OKAY.

...SAID HE HAD
TO GET WHACKED...
UH-HUH.

...AND TESSIO SAID,
"WHAT?"

HE GOES,
"IT'S JUST BUSINESS."

AND EVEN TESSIO WENT,
"OH, OKAY. I GET IT."

AND THEN
HE GOT WHACKED.

SO IF THINGS GO BADLY
AT WORK,

YOU CAN WHACK CHUCK,
AND HE'LL UNDERSTAND?

[ CHUCKLES ]

HOPE IT DOESN'T COME TO THAT,
BUT YEAH.

HONEY, IF THERE ARE ANY PROBLEMS
BETWEEN YOU AND CHUCK,

THAT'LL CAUSE PROBLEMS
BETWEEN ME AND CAROL,

AND [SIGHS]
SHE'S MY SPECIAL FRIEND.

YEAH.
Y-YOUR SPECIAL FRIEND.

I THINK FEBRUARY IS
SPECIAL-FRIEND HISTORY MONTH.

ISN'T IT?
WHAT? OH, STOP!

LOOK, COME ON.

CAN'T YOU JUST HIRE
ANOTHER SECURITY COMPANY?

SERIOUSLY?
YES!

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
ALL RIGHT.

I GUESS EVERY BARBARA
NEEDS THEIR WHOOPI.

HEY, CAROL.
HEY, THAT'S CHUCK.

YOU WANT ME
TO GET THE DOOR, MIKE?

NO, NO.
YOU'RE SPECIAL.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

COME ON IN, CHUCK.
HEY, BAXTER.

HEY. HI, CHUCK.
HEY.

HEY, CAROL, YOU --
YOU ALMOST READY?
YEAH. YEP.

HEY, BAXTER, YOU KNOW,

I HEARD ABOUT THE VANDALISM
AT YOUR STORE.

HOW ARE YOU HANDLING IT?
Mike: IT WAS --

IT'S ALL TAKEN CARE OF.
THANKS FOR ASKING.

HOW ARE YOU
FOR SECURITY CAMERAS?

CHUCK, WE --
WE ARE REALLY LOOKING FORWARD

TO THAT CONCERT
FRIDAY NIGHT.

YEAH.
NOW, WHICH ONE OF YOU LADIES
PICKED JAMES TAYLOR?

I DID.
WHAT?

I'M ALLOWED
TO LIKE JAMES TAYLOR.

YOU'RE ALLOWED
TO LIKE A LOT OF THINGS.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN
YOU ACT ON IT.

NO, BUT -- BUT THANK YOU
FOR INVITING US.

YEAH,
WE'LL PAY YOU BACK...

NEXT TIME GEORGE CLINTON
AND THE PARLIAMENT/FUNKADELIC

ROLL IN.

SO THERE IS A CLINTON
YOU LIKE.

LISTEN,
ABOUT YOUR TAGGER --

I TOLD YOU
WE TOOK CARE OF IT.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU NEED TO
NIP THIS IN THE BUD,

OR, BEFORE LONG,
THE SIDE OF YOUR BUILDING

IS THE UGLIEST THING
YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

OH, I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE SEEN A LOT OF THINGS.

I'VE SEEN FIRE.
I'VE -- I'VE SEEN RAIN.

BUT I HAVE NEVER SEEN
A BLACK MAN

AT A JAMES TAYLOR CONCERT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HEY, KYLE,
WHAT'S ED UP TO?

OH, HE'S IN A MEETING
WITH A SPECIALIST

ABOUT
OUR GRAFFITI PROBLEM.

YOU KNOW,
HE WAS REALLY HAPPY

YOU GOT THAT NEW BILLBOARD
UP SO FAST.

ALL RIGHT.
DIDN'T LIKE PEOPLE
LOOKING AT HIM

AND THINKING
OF VENEREAL DISEASE.

BILLBOARD
DIDN'T START THAT.

LET'S JUST HOPE THESE VANDALS
DON'T GET CUTE WITH THE NEW ONE.

THAT IS A GREAT ATTITUDE,
MR. B.

SOMETIMES I GET SO MAD
AT VANDALS,

I FORGET HOW CUTE
THEY CAN BE.

MIKE, GUESS WHO I HIRED
TO GUARD OUR PARKING LOT.

HEY, BAXTER.

CHUCK LARABEE.

YEAH, WELL, HE'S A FRIEND.
I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T MIND.

SO, NOW,
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I HAVE TO RETURN SOME
VERY UNCOMFORTABLE PHONE CALLS.

YOU DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH THIS, DO YOU, MIKE?

NO, I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH THIS.

OH, GOOD,
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW...

[ CHUCKLES ]
IT'S JUST CURIOUS.

SEE, I SAW YOU LAST NIGHT,
AND WE DISCUSSED THE VANDALISM,

BUT AT NO POINT DID YOU MENTION
THERE WAS A JOB AVAILABLE.

VANESSA THOUGHT
IT WOULD BE AWKWARD

FOR US TO WORK TOGETHER,
SINCE THE FOUR OF US HANG OUT.

SHE DOESN'T THINK
THAT MEN CAN SEPARATE STUFF.

[ SCOFFS ] WELL, SEE,

THAT'S BECAUSE WOMEN
CAN'T LET THINGS GO.

EXACTLY. YEAH. YEAH.
I MEAN,
I'VE ALREADY FORGOTTEN

THAT YOU COMPLETELY DISSED ME
LAST NIGHT.

I'VE ALMOST FORGOTTEN

THAT YOU'RE A BIG FAN
OF SWEET BABY JAMES.

[ CHUCKLES ]

AND BESIDES, TECHNICALLY,
I DON'T WORK FOR YOU.

I'M AN
INDEPENDENT CONTRACTOR.

YEAH, BUT YOU WORK
FOR OUTDOOR MAN,

SO YOU TECHNICALLY
DO WORK FOR --

ED -- HE'S THE ONE
THAT HIRED ME.

HE DOESN'T HAVE TO CHECK
WITH HIS WIFE

FOR PERSONNEL DECISIONS.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

CAN'T BELIEVE MY WIFE
THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE AWKWARD.

MM, NO.

OH, CRAP.

Ed:
THIS BILLBOARD IS A NIGHTMARE.

I FEEL LIKE MY MOTHER'S
STARING DOWN AT ME, MIKE.

JUST RELAX. DON'T GET
YOUR PANTIES ALL TWISTED UP.

I ASSUME YOU'RE WEARING
A MATCHING SET.

YEAH, BUT CHUCK WAS SUPPOSED TO
BE GUARDING THAT THING,

SO WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY
FOR YOUR BUDDY NOW?

MY "BUDDY"?
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT HIRED HIM.

WELL, I'M ABOUT READY
TO FIRE HIM.

AND WOULD YOU PLEASE
GET MY CHI-CHIS

OFF THE SIDE
OF THE STORE?

I CAN GET THEM
OFF THE SIDE OF THE STORE,

BUT I'LL NEVER
GET THEM OUT OF HERE.

OF COURSE.

IS ED IN?

UH, YEAH, BUT I'D LET HIM
CALM DOWN FIRST.

MR. ALZATE IS
PRETTY STEAMED.

YEAH.
I WONDER WHY.

IT'S BECAUSE
YOU MESSED UP

AND THEY PAINTED
THE BILLBOARD AGAIN.

WELL, LOOK WHO SHOWED UP
TO HELP SOLVE THE CAPER --

SHERLOCK HOMEY.

[ Chuckling ] OH, I GET IT.
IT'S BECAUSE I'M BLACK.

YEAH. I'M SORRY.

THE -- THE TAGGERS
FOOLED MY GUARD LAST NIGHT

WITH A DECOY.

WHILE HE WAS CHASING ONE GUY,
THE OTHER ONE TAGGED THE STORE.

RIGHT, RIGHT, SOUNDS LIKE
A REAL "OCEAN'S ELEVEN"

GOING ON DOWN THERE.
[ SIGHS ]

I TOLD ED WE NEEDED
AT LEAST TWO GUARDS

TO DO THIS THING RIGHT,

BUT, UH, HE WENT WITH
THE CHEAPER SECURITY PACKAGE.

LISTEN,
IF YOU COULDN'T DO THE JOB,

YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE SAID YES,

BUT YOU DID, AND NOW
I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS.

OKAY, FINE, BAXTER.
I'LL HANDLE IT.

RIGHT.

WELL, THERE'S A 40-FOOT
BALD GUY ON THE WALL DOWN THERE

IN D-CUPS
THAT BEGS TO DIFFER.

YOU DON'T DO THIS RIGHT,
YOU'RE GONNA GET FIRED.

OH, HONEY,
YOU KNOW WHAT?

PLEASE DON'T LEAVE
YOUR DIRTY DISHES EVERYWHERE.

WE'LL GET RATS,

AND NOT THE CUTE KIND
THAT DRESS YOU FOR THE BALL.

I WAS GOING TO GET THOSE.
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HAVE HEARD THAT BEFORE,

AND THEN SOMEONE LIKE ME OR EVE
HAS TO CLEAN UP AFTER YOU.

YOU KNOW SHE CLEANED
THE WHOLE KITCHEN THE OTHER DAY?

SORRY, WHAT?
YOU DID WHAT?

YEAH.
MOM, PLEASE.

I DID NOT TAKE CREDIT
FOR THAT.

GOOD, BECAUSE --

BECAUSE TAKING CREDIT
IS SELFISH.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT,
MAIMONIDES?

OH.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

YOU'RE GONNA BE REALLY SORRY
NEXT SEMESTER

WHEN I'M DONE TAKING PHILOSOPHY
AND I START TAKING JUDO.

HEY, MY LOVE.
HEY.

HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?

ANYBODY PUT GUM IN YOUR HAIR
OR BULLY YOU OR ANYTHING?

SHADOWING CAROL IS GREAT,
AND I AM REALLY

MAKING A GOOD CONNECTION
WITH THESE AMAZING KIDS.

THAT'S GREAT.
LOOK AT THIS.

THEY DID
OUR BILLBOARD AGAIN.

[ SCOFFS ]

ANY OF THOSE AMAZING KIDS
HAVE SPRAY PAINT ON THEIR HANDS?

I THOUGHT YOU HIRED CHUCK
TO GUARD THE PARKING LOT.

HE NAILED IT.
PARKING LOT'S STILL THERE.

[ SIGHS ]

BUT SEE THAT THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT I WAS WORRIED ABOUT?

NOW YOU HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH CHUCK,

AND IT'S GONNA MAKE THINGS TENSE
WITH ME AND CAROL.

NEIGHBOR CHUCK AND I
DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM.

WORK CHUCK AND I
HAVE A PROBLEM.

YEAH, BUT BOTH CHUCKS
ARE MARRIED

TO ONE OF
MY VERY-BEST FRIENDS.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY

I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO HIRE HIM
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I DIDN'T HIRE HIM.
HONEY...

TAKE THIS UP
WITH WORK ED.

[ SIGHS ]
NOT NOW. STOP.

HEY.
HI. HI.

HOW ARE YOU?

HI, CAROL. HI, CHUCK.
HELLO.

NICE TO SEE YOU.
HEY, BAXTER.
HI. SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.

UH, SO WE, UH, HAVE SOME TIME
FOR A DRINK BEFORE THE SHOW.

OH, OKAY.

I WOULD LOVE
A GLASS OF WINE.
YEAH? OKAY. CHUCK?

MAYBE, UH,
JUST A SODA.

SODA?

YOU WOULDN'T WANT ANYTHING
TO INTERFERE

WITH YOUR ABILITY TO ROCK OUT
TO JAMES TAYLOR, HUH?

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU LAUGH, BUT LAST YEAR,
WHEN HE WENT INTO "MOCKINGBIRD,"

THAT PLACE WENT NUTS.

THAT WAS YOU, CHUCK.

YOU WENT NUTS.

FOLKS BEHIND US
ASKED YOU TO SIT DOWN.

UH, THIS WINE IS, UH --
IS FROM ED'S VINEYARD.

IT IS DELICIOUS AND, UH,
SURPRISINGLY CHEAP.

HMM. CHEAP.
SOUNDS LIKE ED.

[ WINE POURING ]

IF YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY IT?

I THINK I SAID IT.

UH, I AM SURE LOOKING FORWARD
TO THAT CONCERT, YOU KNOW?

[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]
OH, YEAH.

UH, MAYBE WE SHOULD
WATCH THE TIME, THOUGH.

YEAH, THINK YOU CAN
DO THAT, CHUCK --

KEEP AN EYE ON SOMETHING
FOR ME?

HA HA.
SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM.

SURE IT'S NOT
A TWO-MAN JOB?

WHAT'S GOING ON?
NOTHING.

NAH, WE'RE FINE.

[ Sighing ] ANYWAY...

[ Normal voice ] I WOULD LIKE
TO PROPOSE A TOAST...

MM-HMM.
...TO MY GOOD FRIEND CAROL.

OH.

UH, CAROL, I AM HAVING
SO MUCH FUN IN YOUR CLASSROOM.

OH. WELL,
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAVING FUN.

YEAH, WELL, NOT JUST FUN.
I-I'M LEARNING A LOT.

AND, UH -- AND THE KIDS,
THEY'RE LEARNING, TOO.

YES, BUT THEY REALLY DO
LEARN BETTER

WHEN WE DON'T
DO THEIR WORK FOR THEM.

[ CHUCKLES ]
OH. WE DON'T
DO THEIR WORK FOR THEM.

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE I GIVE THEM
A HINT OR TWO, BUT JUST...

YEAH. "X EQUALS 6"
IS NOT A HINT

WHEN THE QUESTION IS
"WHAT DOES X EQUAL?"

IS THIS STILL PART
OF THE TOAST?

MAYBE WE SHOULD GO
TO THE CONCERT EARLY.

THERE'LL BE, UH, METAL DETECTORS
AND A LOT OF ARTIFICIAL HIPS.

LET'S GO.
I'M SORRY, CAROL.

BUT IT JUST SEEMED LIKE YOU WERE
LOSING SOME OF THE KIDS.

[ Chuckling ] OH, YOU WANT TO
TALK ABOUT LOSING KIDS?

I LEAVE YOU FOR TWO MINUTES,
COME BACK,

AND FOUND MY STUDENTS
WANDERING THE HALL.

ALL RIGHT, DOMINIQUE NEEDED
TO GO TO HER LOCKER...

OH.
...AND WHEN
SHE DIDN'T COME BACK,

TROY VOLUNTEERED
TO GO LOOK FOR HER.

UH-HUH.
AND HE FOUND HER.

AND I FOUND THEM MAKING OUT
BY THE TROPHY CASE.

NEW TOAST! TO TROY!

OH.
TO TROY!

[ GLASSES CLINK ]

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
SO I JUST MADE ONE MISTAKE.

NO, IF YOU ONLY
COUNTED ONE,

THEN YOU SHOULDN'T BE
TEACHING MATH.

YOU GOT A WAYS TO GO

BEFORE YOU'RE READY
TO RUN YOUR OWN CLASS.

WELL...
[ GLASS THUDS ]

...DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE NOT
GONNA GIVE ME A RECOMMENDATION?

I MEAN, COME ON.
CAROL, WE'RE FRIENDS.

YOU SEE
WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE, CHUCK,

IS TWO GREAT PEOPLE
LETTING WORK INTERFERE

WITH THEIR FRIENDSHIP.

YEAH. IT'S SAD,
IS WHAT IT IS.

I THINK I AM READY
TO RUN A CLASS

AND MAYBE
YOU ARE JUST BOTHERED

BECAUSE YOUR STUDENTS LIKE ME
MORE THAN YOU.

[ CHUCKLES ]
OF COURSE THEY LIKE YOU MORE.

YOU GIVE THEM
THE ANSWERS

AND YOU LET THEM MAKE OUT
IN THE HALLS.

WHY DON'T YOU BUY THEM
SOME BEER?

THEY'LL MAKE YOU
PROM QUEEN.

YOU KNOW
WHAT WE NEED HERE?

THE SOOTHING SOUNDS
OF JAMES TAYLOR.

HOW ABOUT THAT CONCERT?
OKAY.

[ CELLPHONE CHIMES ]
Carol: LET'S GO.

[ SIGHS ]

AW, MAN.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

MY GUARD SAW
SOMEBODY SUSPICIOUS

IN YOUR STORE PARKING LOT.
I'M GONNA GO CHECK IT OUT.

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
WHAT?

YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE ME
WITH THOSE TWO?

WELL [SIGHS]
I SAID I WAS GONNA HANDLE IT,

SO I'M HANDLING IT.

I KNOW, BUT --
NO, NO, NO.

YOU GO TO
THE JAMES TAYLOR CONCERT.

ENJOY YOURSELF.

I ACTUALLY CAN'T DO
BOTH OF THOSE THINGS.

[ SHOUTING CONTINUES ]

[ BANGING ON WINDOW ]
WHAT THE...?!

I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.

THAT SHOULD BE
YOUR COMPANY MOTTO.

[ SIGHS ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,
MIKE?

I JUST STOPPED BY...

[ CAR DOOR CLOSES ]

...TO SEE
IF EVERYTHING WAS OKAY.

[ SIGHS ] EVERYTHING'S FINE.
IT WAS A FALSE ALARM.

DECIDED TO RELIEVE MY GUY
FOR A FEW HOURS.

LET HIM GO HOME
AND FEED HIS SEEING-EYE DOG?

MM.
HOW WAS JAMES TAYLOR?

IT WAS A GREAT CONCERT, AND
I'M SORRY THAT YOU MISSED IT.

YOU KNOW, HE SANG
"YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND" AND...

OH, GREAT SONG.

...VANESSA AND CAROL
BURST INTO TEARS,

STARTED
HUGGING EACH OTHER.
HMM.

IT WAS --
IT WAS HARD TO WATCH.

THAT'S ALL IT TOOK
TO PATCH THINGS UP?

WELL, A LITTLE CONTACT HIGH
FROM THE HIPPIES IN FRONT OF US.

THEY DECIDED THAT IT WAS A BAD
IDEA FOR THEM TO WORK TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW, WOMEN JUST HAVE
A TOUGH TIME COMPARTMENTALIZING.

YEAH...WELL, MAYBE
IT'S NOT JUST WOMEN.

YOU KNOW,
I'VE BEEN HAVING A HARD TIME

WORKING WITH
MY GOOD FRIEND...

ED.

AND, UH, WORKING WITH YOU HASN'T
BEEN ALL THAT EASY, EITHER.

YEAH. YOU'RE RIGHT.
MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T DO THIS.

WHAT?!
YOU'RE GONNA FIRE A BROTHER

AFTER HE MISSED JAMES TAYLOR
FOR YOU?

NO, I'M NOT GONNA FIRE YOU.
I'M NOT A MONSTER.

LET'S JUST STOP
BEING FRIENDS.

OH,
THAT'S A BETTER IDEA.

YEAH, WE'RE --
WE'RE STILL NEIGHBORS.

YEAH, THAT'S MUCH BETTER.
OF COURSE.
YEAH, YEAH.

WE'LL STILL DO THINGS TOGETHER
WHEN THE WOMEN FORCE US TO.

YEAH. OKAY.
UM, JUST FOR THEIR SAKE.

EXACTLY.

AND I SUPPOSE
IT WOULD BE OKAY

IF YOU CAME OVER TOMORROW
AND WATCHED THE NUGGETS GAME.

ALREADY ON THE BOOKS.
YEAH.

OKAY, FROM NOW ON,
WE'RE JUST A COUPLE OF GUYS

WHO WORK TOGETHER,
LIVE IN CLOSE PROXIMITY,

AND, UM,
SOMETIMES DO STUFF TOGETHER.

MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T TRY
TO LABEL IT.

MM.

HI, THERE. MIKE BAXTER HERE
FOR OUTDOOR MAN.

YOU KNOW, A GROUP OF LIONS
IS CALLED A "PRIDE,"

BUT IS A LION ACTUALLY PROUD?
IT HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE.

IT'S THE TOP
OF THE AFRICAN FOOD CHAIN.

BUT WHEN A LION MAKES A KILL,

DOES IT DO
AN OBNOXIOUS VICTORY DANCE

AND THEN SPIKE THE ANTELOPE?
NO.

LIONS KEEP IT CLASSY.

THEY EAT, LICK THEIR PAWS,
DO A FEW CIRCLES,

AND GO DO THEIR BUSINESS
IN THE TALL GRASS.

NOW, THE ANCIENT GREEKS
HAD A WORD FOR SHOWBOATING.

IT'S CALLED "HUBRIS."

IT MEANS EXCESSIVE PRIDE
LEADING TO ONE'S OWN DOWNFALL.

THE WORD IS SO ANCIENT,
IT COMES FROM WHEN

THE GREEKS ACTUALLY
HAD A LOT TO BE PROUD OF,

BACK WHEN THEY CREATED
DEMOCRACY, THE OLYMPICS.

NOW THEY LIGHT CHEESE ON FIRE
AND OWE THE GERMANS BILLIONS.

HERE'S ANOTHER EXAMPLE
OF THE PRICE YOU PAY FOR HUBRIS.

[ Chuckling ]
AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT
THE HANDSOME DUDE IN THE D-CUPS.

I'M TALKING ABOUT
THE LITTLE VICTORY DANCE

DOWN IN THE CORNER --
"ZUGGZ."

THE DUMBASS TAGGERS
COULDN'T RESIST

TAKING CREDIT
FOR THEIR HANDIWORK,

WHICH ALLOWED OUR SECURITY GUY,
CHUCK LARABEE,

TO TRACK DOWN
THESE MASTER CRIMINALS

TO THEIR MOM'S BASEMENT
IN THORNTON.

THOSE TWO ZUGGZ WILL BE SPENDING
THE REST OF THE EIGHTH GRADE

PICKING UP TRASH ALONG I-25.

WAVE AT THEM.

AND LIKE THE LIONS,
THEY'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO

DO THEIR BUSINESS...
IN THE TALL GRASS.

OH, WASHING
YOUR CLOTHES, HUH?

BETTER HOPE NONE OF
YOUR DESIGNER LABELS CAME OFF,

OR YOU'RE HOLDING A BASKET
OF CHEAP CHINESE RAGS.

ACTUALLY, I'VE DONE LAUNDRY
FOR THE ENTIRE FAMILY,

AND I WON'T BE TAKING
ANY CREDIT.

I WILL, HOWEVER, BE TAKING
THE 85 CENTS THAT I FOUND.

HEY, GIRLS.

HI.
HEY, MOM.

OH, WOW. EVIE, LOOK --
YOU DID ALL THE LAUNDRY, TOO?

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ SIGHS ]

THANKS, MOM, BUT I'M REALLY
NOT LOOKING FOR CREDIT.

IT -- IT JUST
WOULDN'T BE RIGHT.

NO, IT WOULDN'T.
IT JUST WOULDN'T.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH, BUT WE ALL KNOW
WHO DID IT --

THE SAME ANGEL WHO CLEANED
THE WHOLE KITCHEN THE OTHER DAY.
YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE NOT
ONLY YOUR DAD'S FAVORITE.

WHAT I MEAN IS...

you're also mine.
Yeah.

[ SMOOCHES ]

Got to work
on your whispering, Mom.

OH. [ Chuckling ] SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

OKAY.
[ SMOOCHES ]

I really did.

Yeah. Okay. Bye.

WOW.

"MAIMONIDES" MUST BE
THE GREEK WORD FOR "SUCKER."

HEH.

OH, MY GOD.

[ Chuckling ] YOU SHRUNK MOM'S
NEW JAMES TAYLOR SHIRT.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS IN THERE.
SHE LOVES THAT THING.

YEAH,
SHE'S GONNA BE SO PISSED!

YEAH...

AT YOU!

BUT I DIDN'T
DO THE LAUNDRY, SO --

OH. OKAY.
GO TRY TELLING MOM THAT.

YOU KNOW, THIS REMINDS ME
OF SOMETHING ELSE, ACTUALLY,

THAT WE'RE STUDYING
IN PHILOSOPHY --

UH, KARMA.

AND APPARENTLY,
IT'S A BITCH.

OH, MOM!