Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 12 - Helen Potts - full transcript

"LAST MAN STANDING" IS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.

[ DOG BARKING ]

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO MUZZLE
THAT DOG

OR RESCUE TIMMY
FROM THE WELL.

IT'S LARABEE'S
GERMAN SHEPHERD.

EVERY MORNING THIS WEEK.

DAMN DOG'S
GIVING GERMANS A BAD NAME.

I'M SURPRISED
THE SHIRAZIS' FRENCH POODLE

HASN'T SURRENDERED.

[ BARKING CONTINUES ]



[ GROANS ]

[ SIGHS ]
I'M UP. I'M UP.

MIGHT AS WELL
GO TO PILATES.

IF I GET THERE
EARLY ENOUGH,

I CAN TAKE THE CLASS
WITH THE PREGNANT WOMEN.

IT'S EASIER,
AND I GET TO FEEL SKINNY.

HEY. HONEY,
YOU'LL SUFFOCATE.

I'LL TAKE SLEEP
HOWEVER I CAN GET IT!

[ BARKING CONTINUES ]

HEY, GOOD MORNING.
HEY, HI.

UH, YOU WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT
THE WATER PRESSURE IN THE SINK?

IT'S DOWN TO
A TRICKLE.

WELL, THE HOUSE AND I WERE BUILT
ABOUT THE SAME TIME,

SO MAYBE WE BOTH NEED
A PROSTATE EXAM.



HEY, WANT TO TAKE
A PILATES CLASS WITH ME, HUH?

LOTS OF MEN
IN THE CLASS.

NAH, I DON'T THINK
PILATES AND MEN GO TOGETHER

EXCEPT FOR MEN
THAT GO TOGETHER.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
OH, HEY, CHUCK,
COME ON IN.

WELL, IF IT ISN'T
MY ALARM CLOCK.

HEY, BAXTER, I JUST GOT
YOUR TEXT ABOUT LADY'S BARKING.

ALL CAPS?

BETTER WATCH
YOUR TONE, MAN.

TAKE CARE OF THAT DOG.

REMIND THAT GERMAN SHEPHERD
WHO WON THE WAR.

LADY ONLY BARKS WHEN MY NEIGHBOR
STARTS UP THAT TILE SAW.
I KNOW.

TH-THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT
TH-THE WHINE OF THAT THING

THAT JUST IRRITATES HER.

YOU'RE A BIG MARINE. GO
OVER THERE AND TELL THAT
GUY TO STOP DOING THAT.

WELL,
WHOSE SAW IS IT?

HELEN POTTS.

YOU'RE SCARED
OF A GUY NAMED HELEN.

OH, I LIKE
HELEN POTTS.

HONEY, SHE LIVES
AROUND THE CORNER.

WE GET HER MAGAZINES
SOMETIMES,

AND SHE NEVER COMPLAINS
WHEN I RETURN THEM WITHOUT
THE PERFUME SAMPLES.

WELL, I'VE TRIED REASONING
WITH HER ABOUT THE SAW,

BUT ALL SHE DOES
IS START YELLING.

I THINK SHE'S GOT SOMETHING
AGAINST MEN.

DOESN'T LIKE MEN,
USES A TILE SAW,

DOESN'T USE PERFUME --

I THINK THIS PICTURE
PAINTS ITSELF.

I BELIEVE SHE'S
RECENTLY DIVORCED.

WELL, I COULD TALK TO HER
IF YOU WANT.

YOU DON'T TALK TO NEIGHBORS.
IT JUST CAUSES TROUBLE.

THAT'S HOW WE ENDED UP
WITH SHAFT HERE IN OUR KITCHEN.

I CAN DIG IT.

WELL, I'M OFF
TO PILATES.

OR, IF THE TRAFFIC'S BAD,
DUNKIN' DONUTS.

HAVE A GOOD DAY AT WORK.
I LOVE YOU.
BYE.

HEY, WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE,
LARABEE. WAIT A MINUTE.

ARE YOU GONNA
TAKE CARE OF THIS OR NOT?

I TOLD YOU --

I TRIED WITH THIS WOMAN,
AND I'M DONE.

AND I'VE SEEN
ENOUGH HORROR MOVIES

TO KNOW NOT TO PISS OFF
SOMEONE WITH A SAW.

BESIDES, THE BROTHER
IS ALWAYS THE FIRST TO GO.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL GO OVER THERE,
AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

I MEAN, REALLY,
WHY SEND SHAFT

WHEN YOU GOT
DIRTY HARRY?

HUH?

WHAT'S WITH THE BAG?

[ CHUCKLES ]

OH, THAT WAS A BIG ONE!
OH!

-- Captions by VITAC --

[ SAW WHIRRING ]

HEY! YO!

[ SAW SHUTS OFF ]

HEY, THERE.

I'M MIKE BAXTER.
I LIVE ON THE STREET NEXT TO --

WOW.

HAVE WE MET BEFORE?

YOU DO LOOK
VAGUELY FAMILIAR.

YEAH.

IS THIS YOUR, UH, TILE SAW?
IT'S A NICE ONE.

YOU LIKE TOOLS?

NOT AS MUCH
AS I USED TO.

SO, OTHER THAN
MAKING A LOT OF NOISE,

WHAT ARE YOU --
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?

UGH, I GOT A MILLION THINGS
TO FIX AROUND THE HOUSE.

MY IDIOT HUSBAND THOUGHT
HE WAS QUITE THE HANDYMAN...

...BUT MOSTLY, HE JUST SET STUFF
ON FIRE, BLEW THINGS UP,

AND COMPLAINED
ABOUT MY COOKING.

SOUNDS LIKE
A FUN TUESDAY NIGHT.

YOU SHOULD TRY PUTTING UP
WITH HIM FOR EIGHT YEARS.

EIGHT LONG YEARS.

THE THING IS, THIS SAW
IS MAKING A LOT OF NOISE,

AND IT'S BOTHERING
THE DOG NEXT DOOR,

WHO'S BARKING
AND KEEPING EVERYBODY AWAKE.

IS THERE A WAY
YOU COULD JUST

START THE SAWING
A LITTLE LATER IN THE MORNING?

SORRY, I DO MY BEST WORK
IN THE MORNING.

I USED TO GET MY BEST SLEEP
IN THE MORNING.

HI-DEE-HO THERE,
BAXTER.

HEY, LARABEE.

DOESN'T SOUND LIKE
YOU'RE DOING MUCH BETTER
WITH HELEN THAN I DID.

I TOLD YOU
SHE WAS A TOUGH ONE.

YEAH.

DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING ELSE ON
BESIDES THAT HAT?

MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR A --
A DIFFERENT APPROACH.

YOU KNOW, MIKE, THIS REMINDS ME
OF THE ANCIENT AZTECS.

WHENEVER THEY HAD TROUBLE
WITH A NEIGHBORING TRIBE,

VERY OFTEN --
YEAH, I GOT --

LISTEN, Y-YOU LOST ME
ON "HI-DEE-HO."

GIVE ME A MINUTE.
GIVE ME A MINUTE.

EXCUSE ME.

YOU AGAIN?
[ SIGHS ]

WOW.

YOU KNOW, YOU COULD PROBABLY
PULL THIS WHOLE PLACE TOGETHER

WITH A FEW
COLORFUL ACCENT PILLOWS.

MY HUSBAND IS THE REASON
WHY THIS PLACE IS SUCH A MESS.

HE WAS ALWAYS SOUPING UP
ALL OF OUR APPLIANCES.

HE REWIRED OUR WAFFLE IRON
SO IT WENT UP TO 1,000 DEGREES.

YOU KNOW WHAT MELTS
AT 1,000 DEGREES?

A WAFFLE IRON.

LISTEN, IF YOU'RE GONNA SAW
IN THE MORNING,

WHY DON'T YOU
DO ALL OF US A FAVOR

AND JUST DON'T DO IT
ON THE WEEKENDS?

YOU KNOW,
THIS IS AMERICA.

I GET IT.

I CAN RUN MY TILE SAW
WHENEVER I WANT.

ACTUALLY, IN THIS PART
OF AMERICA,

THERE'S A LAW AGAINST
DOING CONSTRUCTION
WORK BEFORE 7:00 A.M.

SO, YOU'RE GONNA
BRING THE LAW INTO THIS?
WELL, I THINK I --

WAIT, WAIT. AREN'T YOU THE GUY
THAT HAS THE FLAGPOLE?

YEAH.

A POLE THAT SIZE

HAS GOT TO BE AGAINST
SOME KIND OF BUILDING CODE.

YEAH, BUT MY POLE DOESN'T
WAKE PEOPLE UP IN THE MORNING.

AT YOUR AGE,
I'M NOT SURPRISED.

ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

SO, YOU TAKE
A SHOT AT ME,

YOU DON'T LIKE
THE AMERICAN FLAG --

IT'S NOT THE AMERICAN FLAG
THAT I OBJECT TO.

IT'S WHEN YOU FLY
YOUR BRONCOS FLAG.

I PREFER OAKLAND.

PEOPLE IN OAKLAND
DON'T EVEN PREFER OAKLAND.

YOU KNOW, I THINK
IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO LEAVE.

THIS REMINDS ME
OF TALKING TO MY HUSBAND.

YOU KNOW, IF HE'D REALLY
LET HIMSELF GO.

OH, THERE SHE IS --
MIKE'S YOUNGEST.

I-IT'S EVE.

WELL, YOU SEEM PRETTY SURE.
WE'LL GO WITH THAT.

THANKS AGAIN FOR HELPING ME
WITH MY ASSIGNMENT, MR. ALZATE.
ALL RIGHT. FINE.

I MEAN,
LET THE OTHER KIDS

DO LAME COLLAGES
ON THE VIETNAM WAR.

AN ORAL HISTORY FROM AN
ACTUAL VET WHO WAS "IN COUNTRY"

WILL BLOW THEM AWAY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH, I WAS THERE.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THE BUGS,
THE HEAT, AND THE SMELL.

OH, MY GOD,
THE SMELL.

[ SIGHS ]

OH, W-WHAT
WAS THE SMELL?

HOPELESSNESS?

NAPALM?

DEATH?

TILAPIA.

OUR OFFICE IN SAIGON
WAS OVER A FISH MARKET.

HUH.

UM, WELL, CAN YOU TELL ME
ABOUT SOME OF THE MAJOR BATTLES?

THE TET OFFENSIVE
WAS A NIGHTMARE.

ALL RIGHT.
HERE WE GO.

TONS OF PAPERWORK.
THAT'S RIGHT.

REQUISITION FORMS,
EVERYTHING IN TRIPLICATE.

ONE MONTH SOLID --
WE WORKED THROUGH LUNCH.

SO, YOU WORKED
IN AN OFFICE?

YOU -- YOU DIDN'T SEE
ANY FIGHTING?

WELL, I WENT
A COUPLE OF ROUNDS

WITH A HAND-CRANKED
MIMEO MACHINE.

NOW, YOU
HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,

YOU DON'T JUST WIN A WAR
ON THE BATTLEFIELD.

UH, TECHNICALLY,
WE DIDN'T WIN THAT WAR.

CAN'T PIN THAT
ON THE CLERICAL STAFF --

EVERYTHING WAS FILED.

UH, I GUESS
I DON'T GET IT.

I MEAN, I GOOGLED
"ED ALZATE" AND "VIETNAM WAR"

AND FOUND ALL THIS STUFF
ABOUT YOU BEING A HERO.

LOOK.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, TH-THAT'S
EDWARD P. ALZATE.

I'M EDWARD A., OKAY?

THAT'S STRANGE.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

I MEAN, THERE'S ANOTHER
EDWARD ALZATE OUT THERE?

I GUESS [CHUCKLES] MY OLD MAN
WAS RIGHT -- I'M NOT SPECIAL.

OH, WAIT.

IT SAYS THIS EDWARD ALZATE
DIDN'T MAKE IT HOME.

OH.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

"EDWARD P. ALZATE
DIED IN ACTION."

HMM.

WELL, NOW, SO...

EDWARD P. DIED

WHILE EDWARD A. SURVIVED
TO LIVE A FORTUNATE LIFE.

WELL, THAT, UH --

THAT REALLY
MAKES YOU THINK.

HMM.

MAKES ME THINK I SHOULD
GET STARTED ON THAT COLLAGE.

I SHOULD DO SOMETHING
TO ENSHRINE HIS MEMORY.

MAYBE I COULD RENAME
MY CITY PARK IN HIS HONOR.

YOU MEAN, UH, RENAME
THE "ED ALZATE PARK"...

THE "ED ALZATE PARK"?

IT'S THE LEAST I COULD DO
FOR A HERO.

IT LITERALLY IS.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

HEY, LOVER.
HEY.

HEY, GET THIS.
GET THIS.

I GO TO THE ATM MACHINE
TO GET CASH, RIGHT?
UH-HUH.

THEN I GO GET GROCERIES AND
SCAN THEM ON ANOTHER MACHINE.

I'M, LIKE,
LIVING THE DREAM

WHERE I DON'T EVEN
HAVE TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE.

YEAH, THE PEOPLE
ARE HAPPY ABOUT IT, TOO, HONEY.

WELL, LUCKY FOR YOU,
I DON'T MIND BEING FRIENDLY,

SO I WENT DOWN TO SEE
HELEN POTTS.

YEAH,
WHAT A NUT BAG, HUH?

IT'S AMAZING
A WOMAN WITH SO MANY TOOLS

HAS SO MANY
SCREWS LOOSE.

HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

HI, MIKE.

HEY.

I INVITED HELEN OVER
FOR DRINKS.

YEAH. SEE THAT.
YEAH.

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

YEAH, HOPE I CAN GET
A TO-GO CUP.

IS IT SAFE?

SHE STILL HERE,

OR DID THE FLYING MONKEYS
TAKE HER AWAY?

YOU WENT TO THE BATHROOM,
AND YOU NEVER CAME BACK.

WHERE WERE YOU HIDING?

I'M NOT TELLING YOU
IN CASE SHE COMES BACK.

WELL, HELEN AND I
HAD A GREAT TIME.

I REALLY ADMIRE THE WAY SHE'S
MOVED ON SINCE HER HUSBAND LEFT.

DO WE REALLY KNOW
THAT HE'S LEFT?

WE'D HAVE TO DIG UP
THAT WHOLE BACKYARD

TO BE PERFECTLY SURE.

HONEY, YOU KNOW,
YOU EMBARRASSED ME.

I MEAN, I'M DOWN HERE TELLING
HER WHAT A GREAT GUY YOU ARE,

AND YOU'RE UPSTAIRS
HIDING IN THE...

LINEN CLOSET?

[ Chuckling ]
NICE TRY.

HEY. HI, HONEY.
Mike: HI, KRIS.

YOU KNOW,
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING --

WHEN YOU
HAVE GIRLFRIENDS OVER,

DOES RYAN DISAPPEAR
FOR THREE HOURS?

HE DISAPPEARS
INTO THE BEDROOM.

SEE?

THEN HE REAPPEARS
WITH HIS GUITAR,

PROVIDING THE UNREQUESTED
SOUNDTRACK TO OUR BOOK CLUB.

IF I EVER MEET
SEALS OR CROFTS,

I'M GONNA BEAT THE CRAP
OUT OF THEM.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

I CAN PLAY "LITTLE BROWN JUG"
ON A RECORDER.

JUST, NEXT TIME YOU SEE HELEN,
MAKE AN EFFORT, HUH?

PLEASE? FOR ME?

LEFT A LOT OF FRIENDS BEHIND
WHEN I QUIT MY JOB.

I WISH YOU'D BRING
THOSE FRIENDS HOME AGAIN --

BEN FRANKLIN,
ANDREW JACKSON.

THOSE GUYS
START SHOWING UP AGAIN,

I'LL COME OUT
OF THE UPSTAIRS CLOSET.

DAMN IT!
HA! HA!

HOW'D YOUR INTERVIEW
WITH ED GO?

NOT GREAT.

YOU DON'T EXPECT TO FALL ASLEEP
DURING A GUY'S WAR STORIES.

I WAS KIND OF
AFRAID OF THAT.

ED'S MILITARY EXPERIENCE
IS LESS "PLATOON"

AND MORE
"FULL METAL FILING CABINET."

HE DID CUT HIS TONGUE
LICKING ENVELOPES ONCE.

I GUESS I COULD CALL THAT
A HEAD WOUND.

YOU KNOW, ED WASN'T DRAFTED.
HE ENLISTED, YOU KNOW.

SO, IT REALLY WASN'T
HIS CHOICE

OF WHERE THEY FOUND HIM
MOST VALUABLE.

MM, THERE'S
THAT SLEEPY FEELING AGAIN.

[ SIGHS ]

GOOD NIGHT, VIETNAM.

DAD [SIGHS]
ED'S JUST NOT A HERO.

I'M SORRY
YOU FEEL THAT WAY.

YOU WANT TO MEET
SOME MORE HEROES?

GO TO THE VFW
ON WEDNESDAY NIGHTS.

ASK LARABEE.
HE'LL TAKE YOU.

WELL, WHY WEDNESDAY?

IT'S BUSY DOWN THERE --
A LOT OF GUYS DOWN THERE.

MAKE SURE YOU TALK TO
THE BARTENDER.

HE CAN OPEN A BEER BOTTLE
WITH HIS EYE SOCKET.

THEY CALL HIM POP.

Helen: I COULDN'T GET UP THEN.
[ CHUCKLES ]

HEY.
HONEY, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

I KNOW WHO'S HERE.
I COULD HEAR THE "JAWS" THEME.

OH, MIKE!

HOW WAS BOOT CAMP?

YOU KNOW,
IF YOU WANT SOMEONE

TO YELL AT YOU
AND CALL YOU MAGGOT,

I WOULD DO THAT HERE
FOR FREE.

I THINK GETTING YELLED AT
BY DIEGO

IS THE ONLY REASON
HELEN GOES.

I WOULD DROP AND GIVE HIM 20
OF WHATEVER HE WANTS.

COME ON.
IT'S A KITCHEN.

WE EAT FOOD IN HERE.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU
FIXING OVER THERE?

ACTUALLY, UH,
WE GOT NO PRESSURE,

AND I THINK THERE'S
A CLOG SOMEWHERE.

WELL, LET ME
HAVE A LOOK.

FAUCETS ARE SIMPLE TO FIX.
EVEN A MAN COULD DO IT.

REALLY?

DON'T WORRY, VANESSA.

[ Straining ] I'LL MAKE SURE
THIS GETS DONE RIGHT.

HEY, HELEN, IF YOU WANT TO STICK
YOUR HEAD IN SOMETHING ELSE,

WHY DON'T YOU TRY
THE OVEN?

THIS FAUCET NUT
IS STUCK.

WELL, THAT SHOULDN'T BE
A PROBLEM.

I'M SURE YOU HAVE A LOT OF
EXPERIENCE TWISTING OFF NUTS.

YOU KNOW [SIGHS]

YOU REMIND ME
OF WHY I ENJOY BEING SINGLE.

YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME,
VANESSA.
MM.

UH, DO YOU GOT ANY,
UH, WD-40?

UH, WELL, IF IT'S REALLY
THAT STUCK,

I THINK MAYBE YOU MIGHT NEED
SOME, UH -- SOME WD-80.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

DON'T LAUGH AT THAT.
SHE'LL JUST DO MORE OF THOSE.

I THOUGHT
IT WAS FUNNY.

YEAH.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
LISTEN, I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

IT'S NOT REALLY
THE BOLT DOWN THERE.

IT'S THIS.
IT ALREADY COMES OUT.

WHOA!

WHAT'D YOU DO
DOWN HERE?!

I TURNED OFF
THE WATER!

NO, YOU TURNED IT ON!
I HAD IT TURNED OFF!

WELL, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED
TO KNOW THAT?

GUYS, IT'S OKAY.
IT'S ONLY WATER.

WELL, BECAUSE
RIGHT IS TIGHT, LEFT IS --

YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
OH...

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOUR HUSBAND
LEFT YOU ALL THESE TOOLS.

YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW TO USE THESE THINGS.

[ SIGHS ]
VANESSA, I'M SORRY.

I REALLY ENJOYED
GETTING TO KNOW YOU...

AND DIEGO...

BUT LIFE IS TOO SHORT
FOR ME TO WASTE MY
TIME AROUND HIM.

WAIT, HELEN.

[ SIGHS ]

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU JUST
DROVE AWAY MY NEW FRIEND.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

SHE PROBABLY
CAN'T GET WET.

SHE'LL MELT.

OH, HONEY.

OH, HEY, HONEY.
HI.

WANT TO TAKE A SPIN CLASS
WITH ME LATER?

NAH,
I'M NATURALLY SLENDER.

FEEL FREE TO HATE ME.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DO.
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ SIGHS ]

OH, I THOUGHT HELEN
WAS YOUR NEW GYM BUDDY.

AH, WELL, YOUR DAD
WRECKED THAT.

HE'S NOT INTO
MEETING NEW PEOPLE.

OR OLD PEOPLE.

OR, REALLY, ANY PEOPLE.

IT'S BETTER FOR YOU

THAT DAD DOESN'T HAVE
ANY OTHER FRIENDS VYING
FOR HIS ATTENTION.

ARGO, YOU GET TO BE
THE CENTER OF HIS UNIVERSE.

[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

WOW, YEAH, I NEVER WOULD'VE
LOOKED AT IT THAT WAY.

I KNOW.

I HEAR THAT A LOT
WHEN I SAY THINGS.

I GUESS
I SHOULD BE FLATTERED

THAT I'M THE ONLY PERSON YOUR
DAD WANTS TO SPEND TIME WITH.

YEAH.

THANKS FOR TAKING THE BULLET
FOR THE REST OF US.

[ Chuckling ]
THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN.

Mike: YEAH.

YOU REALLY KNOW YOUR WAY
AROUND A HARDWARE STORE.

NEXT TIME,
I'LL WEAR MY RED VEST --

WE GET
THE EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT.

YOU GUYS WENT TO
THE HARDWARE STORE TOGETHER.

NO, ACTUALLY RAN INTO EACH OTHER
AT THE HARDWARE STORE.

MIKE WAS LIKE
A 12-YEAR-OLD.

WHILE WE WERE
WAITING IN LINE,

HE HAD THEM PAGE
PAT MaGROIN.

HEY,
YOU LAUGHED AT THAT.

ISN'T THAT
OUR SUPERMARKET JOKE?

WELL, IT REALLY WORKS
ANYWHERE THERE'S AN INTERCOM

AND NO EMPLOYEE
NAMED PAT MaGROIN.

LISTEN, I GOT HELEN
A LITTLE PEACE OFFERING
FOR THE OTHER DAY.

WOW.

WOW, A SAW BLADE.

EASIEST WAY
TO A WOMAN'S HEART.

AND THE REST
OF HER VITAL ORGANS.

HEY, YOU FEEL LIKE TAKING
A SPIN CLASS WITH ME LATER?

OH, I'D LOVE TO,
BUT I CAN'T.

MIKE AND I
HAVE A PROJECT.

OH, THAT REMINDS ME,

I NEED TO BORROW
YOUR 3/4-INCH SPADE BIT.

UH, I HAVE ONE
IN THE WORKBENCH.

IT'S SIT--
I CAN GET IT.

WELL, I THINK I KNOW
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

SHE HAS A TANKLESS
WATER HEATER. I TOLD HER
I'D HELP HER PUT IT IN.

IT'S A "TANKLESS" JOB,
BUT SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO IT.

[ CHUCKLES LIGHTLY ]

THAT'S...JUST...

THAT'S A FUNNY, CLASSIC WAY
TO PUT THAT, YOU KNOW?

[ CHUCKLES ]

What is going on
with you, huh?

UH, LIS-LISTEN.
"TANKLESS JOB"?

BUT IF I MADE THAT JOKE,
YOU WOULD'VE SENT ME TO MY ROOM

AND TOLD ME TO THINK ABOUT
WHAT I'D DONE.

LISTEN, I GOT TO TELL YOU
SOMETHING ABOUT ABOUT HELEN.

NO, HONEY, I-I KNOW I ASKED YOU
TO BE FRIENDLY, BUT --

BUT YOU'RE NOT
THIS FRIENDLY WITH ANYONE,

NOT EVEN
THE OMAHA STEAKS GUY.

VANESSA, PLEASE,
JUST LISTEN TO ME.
NO, NO, NO.

YOU LISTEN.
YOU LISTEN.

I-I DON'T WANT
TO SOUND PETTY, BUT --

YOU'RE JUST ABOUT TO.
[ SIGHS ] THIS IS WEIRD.

IT'S LIKE YOU WENT OUT OF YOUR
WAY TO STEAL MY NEW FRIEND.

I MEAN, THAT IS THE ONLY
POSSIBLE REASON I CAN THINK OF

FOR YOU
BEING NICE TO HER.

HER HUSBAND DIED.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
OR THAT REASON.

WOW.

I MEAN,
WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE DIED?

LIKE, HE LEFT HER.

WELL,
HE LEFT EVERYBODY.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
HAVE A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK.

LISTEN, HE DIED
ABOUT SIX OR EIGHT MONTHS AGO.

SHE NEVER TOLD ME,
UH...

I DON'T THINK
SHE KNOWS I KNOW.

THE GUY AT THE HARDWARE STORE
TOLD ME ABOUT IT,

WHICH I FELT
VERY EMBARRASSED

'CAUSE I HAD JUST ASKED HIM
TO PAGE PAT MaGROIN.

I MEAN,
WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL ME?

IF YOU DIED,
I WOULD'VE TOLD EVERYONE.

LET'S NOT GET
THAT PARTY STARTED YET, OKAY?

A LOT OF PEOPLE GRIEVE
IN DIFFERENT WAYS.
YEAH.

MAYBE SHE DOESN'T WANT
PEOPLE FEELING SORRY FOR HER

BECAUSE HER HUSBAND
HAD DIED.

OH, YEAH, BUT NOW I DO
FEEL SORRY FOR HER.

DON'T.

UGH.

THIS IS WHY
I DON'T TALK ABOUT IT.

I JUST GOT SO SICK

OF SEEING THAT PITYING LOOK
ON PEOPLE'S FACES.

YEAH. THAT ONE.

[ SIGHS ]
HELEN, I AM SO SORRY.

I'M SO SORRY
A-ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND,

ABOUT MY FACE --
ALL OF IT.

DON'T BE.

HE WAS A GREAT GUY.

I WAS LUCKY TO HAVE
THE TIME THAT I HAD WITH HIM.

THE IDIOT THAT WRECKED
YOUR KITCHEN?

YEAH, WELL,
HE WAS AN IDIOT.

BUT HE WAS MY IDIOT.

JUST LIKE YOU'RE
VANESSA'S IDIOT.

AND...

SHE'S MY IDIOT.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, WE USED TO, YOU KNOW,
BICKER BACK AND FORTH

LIKE YOU AND I
HAVE BEEN DOING, MIKE.

AND I...MISS IT.

OF COURSE,
HE WAS WAY MORE CLEVER.

WELL, HE...

PROBABLY HAD
BETTER WRITERS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, HE WAS
A LOT OF FUN.

YOU KNOW, JUST ASK ANYBODY
ON OUR STREET.

THE NIELSENS LOVED HIM.

HELEN, STOP ME IF THIS
MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE --

STOP.

YOU SEE?
THIS IS WHY YOU LIKE HER --

SHE'S INDEPENDENT,
SHE'S STRONG.

THAT'S WHY SHE PRETENDS
TO BE GOOD WITH TOOLS.

I CAN HANDLE A TOOL.
THAT'S WHY YOU AND I GET ALONG.

SERIOUSLY,

YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR RASP
FROM A HOLE IN THE GROUND.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. MY HUSBAND
IS IN A HOLE IN THE GROUND.

OH, THAT'S --

KIDDING!

I HAD HIM CREMATED.

WE USED
THAT WAFFLE IRON.

HELEN, I THINK IT'S HEALTHY
THAT YOU'RE FINALLY ABLE TO --

STOP.

I'M GONNA HELP HER PUT
IN THAT WATER HEATER,
AND I'LL BE HOME.

ALL RIGHT, YEAH, 'CAUSE AFTER
ALL, IT IS A "TANKLESS" JOB.

MAYBE IT'S
THE DELIVERY.

WOW.

THERE ARE A LOT OF GUYS
HERE TONIGHT.

AMERICAN FOREIGN POLICY

HAS BEEN VERY GOOD
FOR THE VFW BUSINESS.

SO, UH, WHICH GUYS
WERE IN VIETNAM?

WHITE HAIR AND HEARING AIDS
ARE YOUR KOREA VETS,

GRAY PONYTAILS AND BEARDS
ARE YOUR VIETNAM VETS,

METALLICA SHIRTS
ARE YOUR DESERT STORM GUYS,

AND, UM, THAT GUY OVER THERE
DRINKING A COSMOPOLITAN

WAS IN GRENADA.

WHAT ABOUT THOSE GUYS?

DO YOU THINK MOST OF THEM
SAW COMBAT?

YEAH,
BUT FOR SOME OF THEM,

THE REAL BATTLE IS GETTING
THROUGH ALL THE BUREAUCRACY

TO GET
THEIR V.A. BENEFITS.

OH, THAT SUCKS.

YEAH, IT DOES.

BUT, YOU KNOW, WE GOT A GUY HERE
WHO HELPS THEM OUT.

EVERY WEDNESDAY NIGHT,

HE WALKS VETS
THROUGH ALL THE PAPERWORK

AND MAKES SURE THEY GET
WHAT THEY WERE PROMISED.

BEEN DOING IT
FOR 30 YEARS.

THAT'S REALLY COOL.

YEAH, IT IS.

LISTEN, DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP
OVER THIS, ALL RIGHT, LARRY?

THEY ALWAYS
KICK THIS FORM BACK.

IT'S THE 21-526EZ.

IT'S THE HAMBURGER HILL
OF DISABILITY CLAIM FORMS.

MR. ALZATE?

YEAH, JUST ONE S--

WELL,
LOOK WHO IT IS.

I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD MAYBE
INTERVIEW YOU AGAIN.

ME?

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED YOUR REPORT
TO BE ABOUT A HERO.

YES, I-I DO.

MM.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,
I CAN'T DO IT RIGHT NOW.

I'M GONNA BE BUSY
FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THE BAR,
GET YOURSELF A SODA?

YOU WANT TO SEE
SOMETHING AWESOME,

HAVE POP
OPEN IT FOR YOU.

HEY, POP.

THAT WAS ROUGH.

WELL, AT LEAST
THE WORST PART'S OVER.

NOW JUST HOOK UP
THE ELECTRICITY AND THE WATER,

AND SOMEONE'S GOT TO GO
TURN THE GAS ON.

I WAS TALKING ABOUT
YOUR ENDLESS HUNTING STORY.

ARE YOU SURE THAT BEAR
DIDN'T DIE OF BOREDOM?

YEAH.

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO GO
IN THE BASEMENT,

INTO THE CRAWL SPACE,
AND TURN THE GAS ON.

I WAS DOWN THERE, AND I'M --
I'M SURE I TURNED IT --

WAIT A MINUTE.

RIGHTY TIGHTY, RIGHT?
LEFTY LOOSEY.

YOU KNOW
ALL THIS STUFF.

WELL, ANYWAY, GO DOWN THERE.
YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

JUST LIGHT A MATCH.
OOH.

GEE,
I JUST REMEMBERED.

I GOT TO MEET
ONE OF MY SONS FOR LUNCH.

OH, HEY.

MOM.

I DON'T THINK
WE'VE MET.

RANDY.

RANDY.
YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.

HEY, RANDY.
HOW YOU DOING?
YEAH, I'M RANDY.
HOW'S IT GOING?

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
[ CHUCKLES ]

CHECK YOU LATER.

SEE YOU LATER.