Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Here's the Kicker - full transcript

"LAST MAN STANDING" IS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.

Mike: YEAH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

DOESN'T GET
ANY BETTER THAN THIS.

YOU, ME, THE CROWD,
AND THE BRONCOS.

AND JUSTIN.

I SAID,
"THE CROWD."

YEAH, THANK YOU
FOR INCLUDING ME, SIR.

AH, DON'T THANK ME.

THANK THE SEVEN PEOPLE
WHO COULDN'T MAKE IT.



I'M GONNA RUN
TO THE CONCESSION STAND.

YOU GUYS
WANT ANYTHING?

A BEER.

OH, I'M NOT 21.

THEN YOU'LL BE GONE
FOR A WHILE.

Stadium Announcer:
ATTENTION, BRONCOS FANS --

A LUCKY FAN HAS BEEN SELECTED
TO COME DOWN TO THE FIELD

AND TRY TO KICK A FIELD GOAL
FOR VALUABLE PRIZES.

THAT FAN
IS SITTING IN SECTION 310...

ROW 3...

SEAT 4!

MOVE! GO!

LUCKY SEAT 4, COME ON DOWN!

[ CROWD CHEERING ]



WHAT SHOULD I DO?

WELL, IF I'VE LEARNED ONE THING
FROM READING THE BIBLE,

YOU HEAR A VOICE IN THE SKY
TELLING YOU TO DO SOMETHING,

YOU OBEY.

LET'S GO.

COMING THROUGH.

-- Captions by VITAC --

WATCH HOW CLEAN
THIS KICK IS.

LOOK AT THAT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY WOULDN'T
LET EVE KEEP THE BALL.

I MEAN, WHAT'S A KID
IN A WHEELCHAIR

GONNA DO WITH THAT BALL,
ANYWAY?

ALL RIGHT. LET'S WATCH IT
ONE MORE TIME.

OOH, LET ME GUESS --
SHE MAKES IT AGAIN.

I THINK IT'S MORE FUN
WHEN HE PLAYS IT BACKWARDS.

IT LOOKS LIKE EVE'S
CATCHING THE BALL WITH HER FOOT.

IT IS SO NOT FAIR
THAT EVE WON A CAMARO.

SHE'S 16.
SHE'S NOT GETTING A CAMARO.

I GET A CAMARO.
PLUS A HUGE TAX BILL.

THAT'S WHY
WE'RE SELLING THE CAMARO.

YEAH, BUT THEN SHE'LL HAVE
SOME MONEY FOR COLLEGE

AND A STORY TO TELL.

OH, YEAH,
REALLY GREAT STORY --

SHE KICKED A THINGY
REALLY FAR

AND IT WENT BETWEEN
TWO OTHER THINGIES.

[ MOCK CHEER ]

I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND
THE GAME OF FOOTBALL.

WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT EVE
FOR 24 HOURS STRAIGHT HERE!

I AM RUNNING
MY OWN CLOTHING BUSINESS.

ISN'T ANYBODY
IMPRESSED BY THAT?

OF COURSE, YES.
GO AHEAD, HONEY.
YEAH.

WE'RE ALL EARS.
LET'S HEAR IT.

OKAY. I ACTUALLY HAVE THIS
AMAZING IDEA FOR A SKIRT.

IT'S PLEATED BUT IT HAS --

I'M GONNA BE
ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM!

OKAY, SO THE COACH
SAW MY FIELD GOAL

AND WANTS ME TO TRY OUT
FOR PLACE-KICKER.

A CHILD OF MINE IS GONNA BE
ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM.

I THINK MY BUCKET LIST
IS COMPLETE.

YOU CAN CRANK UP THAT RAPTURE
ANYTIME YOU WANT.

T-T-THERE'S
A GIRLS' FOOTBALL TEAM, RIGHT?

NO, MOM.
NO, THE REAL ONE,
RIGHT?

I'M GONNA BE ON THE BOYS' TEAM,
THE REAL TEAM...

WITH JUSTIN.

WOW. SO YOU'RE DATING
A FOOTBALL PLAYER?

NICE PULL.
[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

THANK YOU.

LOOK, EVE, IF WOMEN
START MOVING TO MEN'S TEAMS,

IT SENDS A MESSAGE THAT WOMEN'S
SPORTS AREN'T AS GOOD AS MEN'S.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE
SENDS THAT SAME MESSAGE?

THE FACT THAT
THEY'RE NOT AS GOOD.

HONEY,
THIS IS VERY IMPRESSIVE,

BUT KRISTIN'S RIGHT --
YOU'RE ALREADY PLAYING SOCCER.

YOU MADE A COMMITMENT
TO THEM.

YEAH, BUT THAT'S A COMMITMENT
TO A SOCCER TEAM.

THAT'S LIKE
MAKING A PROMISE TO A CAT.

HONEY, THOSE GIRLS
ARE COUNTING ON YOU.

YEAH, EVE. YOU ARE THE
BEST PLAYER ON THE SOCCER TEAM.

GREAT. HEY, JUSTIN, YOU WANT TO
DATE A FOOTBALL PLAYER OR NOT?

LISTEN, EVE,
YOUR MOM MAKES A GOOD POINT.
THANK YOU. YES.

YOU CAN WAIT A YEAR
TO GO ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM.

YOU CAN HOLD THE RAPTURE.
I GOT ANOTHER YEAR HERE.

FINE. AT LEAST
I STILL HAVE THE CAR.

WELL...

WHAT?

WE'RE NOT
GONNA KEEP THE CAMARO.

WE'RE GONNA SELL IT,
BECAUSE THAT FREE CAMARO

IS ACTUALLY COSTING ME
LIKE 20 GRAND IN TAXES.

FOR WHAT? SO OBAMA
CAN BUY MORE HAPPY-MEALS

FOR ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS?

NICE TRY.

BUT I'M STILL SELLING
THE CAMARO.

LOOK,
WHEN WE SELL THE CAR,

THEN YOU'LL HAVE
MORE MONEY FOR COLLEGE.

I WON'T NEED MONEY
FOR COLLEGE.

THERE'S NO TUITION
AT WEST POINT.

BUT WEST POINT
IS NOT SET IN STONE.

YOU MIGHT DECIDE
TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

WHAT? NO. I'M COMMITTED
TO GOING TO WEST POINT.

AND I KNOW
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT COMMITMENTS.

LOOK, HONEY!
EVE, EVE,
HOLD ON A SECOND.

W-W-WHY DID YOU SAY THAT
ABOUT WEST POINT?

HONEY.

HONEY, WE GOTTA --

WHAT'S UP?

UH, THIS IS AWKWARD,

BUT EVE INVITED ME
TO STAY FOR DINNER.

UMM...WHY DON'T YOU
POP OUT

AND GET US
A BOTTLE OF WINE, THEN.

I'M STILL NOT 21.

TAKE ALL THE TIME
YOU NEED.

OH, I AGREE
WITH VANESSA.

EVE SHOULDN'T BE
ON THAT FOOTBALL TEAM.

I STILL CAN'T WRAP MY MIND
AROUND WOMEN WANTING TO BE MEN.

SHE DOESN'T
WANT TO BE A MAN.

SHE'S GOT BIGGER DREAMS
THAN THAT --

SHE WANTS TO BE ME.

YOU'VE BEEN A HELL
OF A ROLE-MODEL, MIKEY.

THANKS. I JUST HOPE
I HAVEN'T SET THE BAR TOO HIGH.

I MEAN, THERE'S DAYS
I CAN'T EVEN PULL IT OFF.

OH! LOOK AT THIS.

CHECK THIS OUT.

PINK CAMOUFLAGE!

YOU KNOW,
FOR THE LADIES.

SO THEY CAN HUNT
FLAMINGOS?

IF THEY GET THE PROPER PERMITS,
I HAVE NO OBJECTIONS.

DID YOU KNOW THAT
FLAMINGOS GET THEIR COLOR

BECAUSE THEY EAT
SO MUCH SHRIMP?

BOY, I WISH
I WAS A FLAMINGO.

BECAUSE YOU LIKE SHRIMP
THAT MUCH?

NO, THAT WOULD BE
THE ONE DOWN-SIDE.

LOOK. WHY DON'T YOU
GET THIS ON THE FLOOR.

GET THIS ON THE FLOOR.
YES, SIR.

YOU KNOW, PINK CAMOUFLAGE
SERVES NO PRACTICAL PURPOSE.

WOMEN LOVE PINK, MIKEY.
I DON'T MAKE THE RULES.

OH, AND BY THE WAY,

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHO CALLED ME ON THE
PHONE THIS MORNING?

DO YOU WANT ME TO GUESS,

OR DO YOU ACTUALLY NOT KNOW
WHO YOU TALKED TO THIS MORNING?

CONGRESSWOMAN DeWITT.
FIRST DISTRICT.

SHE AGREED TO WRITE
A LETTER OF NOMINATION

FOR EVE
TO GO TO WEST POINT.

HUH?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

[ CHUCKLES ]
THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.

THAT'LL HELP
WITH HER APPLICATION.

HOW DID YOU SWING THAT?

WELL, LET'S JUST SAY

I GAVE GENEROUSLY
TO HER CAMPAIGN.

YOU DON'T NEED TO WHISPER.

IT'S ACTUALLY LEGAL
TO GIVE MONEY TO POLITICIANS.

IN THAT CASE...

[ Shouting ] I GAVE GENEROUSLY
TO HER CAMPAIGN!

WE COULD ALSO USE HELP
FROM BOTH U.S. SENATORS...

AND MAYBE JOE BIDEN.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW
HE'S NOT DOING ANYTHING ELSE.

HE'S JUST OBAMA'S
FOREIGN POLICY ADVISOR.

AND YOU CAN SEE
HOW WELL THAT'S GOING.

MOM, DAD...

I HAVE FIGURED IT OUT.

I TALKED TO MY SOCCER COACH,

AND THEY'RE GONNA WORK AROUND
MY PRACTICE SCHEDULE

SO THAT I CAN DO
FOOTBALL AND SOCCER.

GREAT. I LOOK FORWARD TO
ATTENDING ONE OF THOSE GAMES.

HEY. HEY, HEY.
NO, NO. NO.

YOU'RE NOT
PLAYING FOOTBALL.

NO. NOT WITH THE SIZE
OF THOSE GUYS OUT THERE.

IT'S NOT SAFE.

BUT, MOM,
KICKERS NEVER GET HURT.

AND WHEN I'M ON THE FIELD,

IT'S THE ENTIRE TEAM'S JOB
TO PROTECT ME.

SHE'S RIGHT, HONEY.
IT'S LIKE THE SECRET SERVICE.

EXCEPT...

EXCEPT THEY'RE NOT
PROTECTING A DICTATOR

WHO'S SYSTEMATICALLY
DESTROYING AMERICA.

MOM. PLEASE.
I REALLY WANT TO DO THIS.

YOUR -- YOUR FATHER AND I,
WE'RE JUST --

WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.

THINK ABOUT IT
MORE THAN THIS?

WE -- WE DIDN'T THINK THIS MUCH
ABOUT HAVING THE KIDS.

MOM. PLEASE?

ALL RIGHT,
I'LL GO ALONG WITH IT,

BUT I'M ON RECORD
FOR SAYING IT'S A BAD IDEA.

WHICH, AS YOU RECALL,

IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAID
ABOUT HAVING THESE KIDS.

Eve:
YES! THANKS, GUYS!

YOU ARE LOOKING AT
WOODBRIDGE HIGH'S
NEW PLACE-KICKER.

I'M ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM.
NO.

TELL YOUR COACH
YOU CAN'T BE NUMBER 22.

I DATED NUMBER 22...

BRAD...
PFFFT...SOMETHING.

TOO MANY MEMORIES.

HMM. YEAH, YOU MIGHT WANT TO
GET THAT JERSEY STEAM-CLEANED.

ARE YOU KIDDING?
I'M NEVER TAKING THIS OFF.

WHEN I WALK AROUND SCHOOL
WEARING THIS,

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH ATTENTION
I'LL GET?

THE SAME AMOUNT
I USED TO GET WEARING...

WELL, ANYTHING, REALLY.
[ LAUGHS ]

WELL, I'LL BE GETTING ATTENTION
FOR SOMETHING I ACTUALLY DO.

WHICH WAS KIND OF TRUE OF MANDY,
AS WELL.

NOW THE PROBLEM IS...
JUSTIN.

HE'S BEING SUPER-MOPEY.

SO HE HAS
MORE THAN ONE EXPRESSION?

IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS.

JUSTIN IS STRUGGLING
WITH ISSUES OF EMASCULATION.

I'M TAKING PSYCH THIS SEMESTER
AND, UH, I COULD BE WRONG...

BUT I JUST THINK
THAT JUSTIN IS...

A PSYCHOLOGY.

NO. YOU CAN'T USE THAT WORD
LIKE THAT.

UH, MAYBE YOU CAN'T,
DROP-OUT!

[ LAUGHING ]

IT'S REALLY HARD SOMETIMES
FOR GUYS

WHEN THEIR GIRLFRIENDS ARE
BETTER THAN THEM AT GUY-STUFF.

NO, IT IS NOT YOUR JOB

TO PROTECT JUSTIN'S
FRAGILE EGO, OKAY?

HE SHOULD BE HAPPY
THAT HE HAS

AN ACCOMPLISHED WOMAN
IN HIS LIFE.

SURE, BUT WHAT
SHE'S ACCOMPLISHED

IS BEING MORE OF A DUDE
THAN HE IS.

COME ON.

YOU HAVE TO PROTECT JUSTIN.

I DO IT ALL THE TIME
WITH KYLE,

YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE OF HOW HE FINDS ME

SO INTELLECTUALLY
INTIMIDATING.

SOUNDS LIKE KYLE
IS "A PSYCHOLOGY," TOO.

JUST TALK TO JUSTIN
ABOUT WHAT'S BOTHERING HIM.

BUT TRY NOT TO BE
INTIMIDATING.

SO START OUT BY PRETENDING

THAT YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW TO WORK YOUR PHONE.

BE LIKE...EHH.

NO, NO,
IF YOU RESPECT HIM,

YOU WILL TALK TO HIM
LIKE A PERSON.

I LIKE HANGING
WITH JUSTIN

BUT I HATE THE TALKY,
GIRLY, EMOTION-Y PART.

YOU MEAN
THE RELATIONSHIP PART.

YOU KNOW,
TALKING ABOUT OUR FEELINGS

IS HOW PEOPLE
DEVELOP INTIMACY.

GROSS. I NEED TO GO SEE A MAN
ABOUT A HORSE.

WOW. SHE REALLY DIDN'T GET
ANY OF MOM'S GENES, DID SHE?

NOT A SINGLE PAIR.

Stadium Announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WELCOME YOUR WOODBRIDGE HUSKIES

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
AS THEY TAKE THE FIELD!

THERE SHE IS!

THERE'S EVE!

OH, GOD.
I CAN'T WATCH. IS SHE OKAY?

SHE HASN'T EVEN COME THROUGH
THE BANNER YET, OKAY?

BUT THERE'S STILL TIME
FOR A MASSIVE PAPER-CUT, OKAY?

KICKERS NEVER GET HURT.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

KICKERS DON'T GET HURT,
COME ON.

WELL, ALMOST NEVER.

IF A KICK IS BLOCKED,

IT'S A LOOSE BALL,
EVERYBODY GOES AFTER IT

AND THAT 78 THERE COULD...
FLATTEN HER.

UH, SWEETIE,
STAY AWAY FROM 78!

VANESSA,
SHE'S GONNA BE FINE.

IF ANY GIRL CAN PULL
THIS OFF, IT'S EVE.

SHE'S NOT SCARED OF NOTHIN'.

YOU KNOW
WHO SHE REMINDS ME OF?

THANKS, DAD, BUT SHE GETS
A LOT OF THIS FROM YOU, TOO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY?
LIQUID COURAGE IS STILL COURAGE.

SHE ACTUALLY REMINDS ME
OF YOUR BROTHER JIMMY.

WHAT?
WHAT AN ATHLETE.

DID YOU KNOW JIMMY PLAYED
FOOTBALL IN HIGH SCHOOL?

I PLAYED FOOTBALL
IN HIGH SCHOOL, TOO.

EVE ALREADY SPENT MORE TIME
ON THE FIELD THAN YOU EVER DID.

I SCORED A TOUCHDOWN
DURING HOMECOMING, DAD.

I'M PRETTY SURE
THAT WAS JIMMY.

THAT WAS ME.

FINE.

WE'LL AGREE TO DISAGREE.

Stadium Announcer:
THIRD-AND-GOAL FOR WOODBRIDGE.

BALL ON THE 5-YARD LINE.
TIMEOUT, WOODBRIDGE.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

THERE'S 16 SECONDS LEFT,
YOU'RE DOWN BY 2.

PUT IN
THE FIELD-GOAL KICKER!
NO!

GIVE IT A REST,
BAXTER!

LET THE COACH
CALL THE PLAYS.

GIVE IT TO MY BOY AGAIN!

YOU KNOW, LARABEE,

I FORGOT YOUR SON PLAYS
ON MY DAUGHTER'S FOOTBALL TEAM.

BRANDON IS
A TWO-WAY PLAYER AND CO-CAPTAIN.

GIRL ON THE TEAM --
KIND OF A GIMMICK.

A GIMMICK?

YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID
ABOUT JACKIE ROBINSON.

[ CHUCKLES ]

NOW, I KNOW THERE'S
A LOT OF NOISE IN HERE...

BUT I THINK I JUST HEARD YOU

COMPARE JACKIE ROBINSON
TO A LITTLE WHITE GIRL.

NOW JUST WATCH, BAXTER.

THEY'RE GONNA GIVE THE BALL
TO BRANDON,

HE'S GONNA PUNCH IT IN
FROM THE 5-YARD LINE.

GO, BRANDON!
GO, BRANDON! GO!

GO. GO. GO. GO!

ARGH!

Crowd: AWW.

BRANDON LARABEE BROUGHT DOWN
FOR A 2-YARD LOSS.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN
MORE SPECIFIC

ABOUT THE DIRECTION
YOU WANTED HIM TO RUN.

GOOD THING THERE'S A BAXTER
IN TO CLEAN UP THIS MESS!

GO, EVE!
BUT CAREFULLY!

OH, I CAN'T TAKE THIS.
I'M GOING BACK TO THE CAR.

ALL RIGHT, EVE.
LINE IT UP.

LINE IT UP!

Player: HUT! HUT!
BOOT IT!

COME ON, COME ON!

YEAH!

[ CHEERING ]

HEY, HOW ABOUT
A GIMMICK LIKE THAT?

A GIMMICK THAT ACTUALLY MOVES
THE NUMBERS ON THE SCOREBOARD!

WHAT THE HELL
HAPPENED TO VANESSA?

DOESN'T SHE
LIKE FOOTBALL?

HEY!
GOOD GAME TONIGHT.

YEAH, YOU HAD A GOOD ONE.

I BARELY EVEN PLAYED.

SORRY IT TOOK ME
SO LONG TO SHOWER.

I WAS COVERED IN GATORADE.

SO I GUESS WE SHOULD...

PROBABLY TALK?

ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT THE FACT
THAT YOU SEEM TO BE BUGGED

THAT I'M BETTER THAN YOU
AT FOOTBALL.

WHO SAYS YOU'RE BETTER?

UH, THE GATORADE

AND THE 40 GUYS
WHO CARRIED ME OFF THE FIELD.

I MEAN, ONE OF US
WON THE GAME TONIGHT

AND ONE OF US ONLY GOT
OFF THE BENCH TO RUN FROM A BEE.

EVE, I HADN'T EVEN
THOUGHT ABOUT IT LIKE THAT,

LIKE, WHO'S BETTER THAN WHO.

COME ON, JUSTIN.

I-I GET IT
IF YOU FEEL EMASCULATED.

EVE, GET OVER YOURSELF.

LOOK, I-I LIKE THAT YOU'RE
GOOD AT STUFF, I DO, BUT...

...THAT DOESN'T
TAKE ANYTHING AWAY FROM ME.

AND I DON'T FEEL
EMASCULATED.

I FEEL LUCKY.

REALLY?

YEAH.

COOL.

SO...IF YOU DON'T HAVE
A PROBLEM,

THEN WHY HAVE YOU
BEEN ACTING SO WEIRD

SINCE THIS WHOLE
FOOTBALL THING STARTED?

BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED
AT THE BRONCO GAME.

YOU JUST
JUMPED IN MY SEAT, EVE.

I MEAN, TECHNICALLY, THE CAMARO
YOU WON SHOULD BE MINE.

MY -- MY DAD'S NOT EVEN
LETTING ME KEEP THE CAMARO.

YEAH, WELL, MY DAD MIGHT'VE,
BUT I'LL NEVER KNOW,

SINCE I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE
TO DO THE KICK.

W-W-WHICH YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE MADE ANYWAY.

THE MOST YOU WOULD'VE GOTTEN
WAS 20 YARDS.

I OWE YOU A PAPA JOHN'S
GIFT CARD...MAYBE.

[ SCOFFS ]
I-I COULD'VE MADE THE 40.

[ SCOFFS ] OKAY.

LET'S GO DOWN
TO THE FIELD RIGHT NOW...

YOU KICK A 40-YARDER,

I'LL MAKE MY DAD
GIVE YOU THE CAR.

JUST TAKE ME TO PAPA JOHN'S,
WE'LL CALL IT EVEN.

[ CHUCKLES ]

HEY, MIKE BAXTER HERE
FOR OUTDOOR MAN

WITH SOMETHING
FOR THE LADIES.

NO, NOT ME.
SORRY. I'M TAKEN.

I MEAN THIS...

PINK CAMOUFLAGE.

YOU PROBABLY CAN'T SEE HER

'CAUSE SHE BLENDS IN
WITH EVERYTHING.

PINK CAMO --
PRETTY MUCH USELESS

UNLESS YOU'RE STORMING
BARBIE'S DREAMHOUSE.

WHY DO WE SELL SOMETHING
THAT'S USELESS?

BECAUSE WOMEN LIKE PINK.

"WELL, THAT'S A STEREOTYPE,"
YOU SAY.

IS IT INSENSITIVE? YES.
BECAUSE MEN ARE INSENSITIVE.

THAT IS ALSO A STEREOTYPE.

ARE SOME OF THEM TRUE?
SURE, SOME OF THEM ARE TRUE,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO SAY
WHICH ONES

BECAUSE THEN THE FEMALE VIEWERS
WILL ALL BE...

[ IMITATES CHATTER ]

OOPS.
ANOTHER ONE SLIPPED OUT.

STEREOTYPES ARE OFTEN DEFINED
BY EXCEPTIONS.

THE AKA PYGMIES
OF CENTRAL AFRICA,

THE WOMEN
ARE THE PRIMARY HUNTERS.

DOES THAT MAKE
THE PYGMY MEN FEEL SMALL?

REALLY HARD TO TELL.

MAYBE THE MEN JUST SIT BACK,
ENJOY ALL THAT FREE HIPPO JERKY

AND COMPLAIN
THAT THE HUT "IS SO COLD!"

ANYWAY,
TO HONOR THE FEMALE HUNTERS,

OUTDOOR MAN IS HOLDING
OUR WOMEN-WARRIORS WEEKEND.

OUR CAMO IS 20% OFF,
GREEN OR PINK.

JUST BRING
LOTS OF YOUR GREEN STUFF

BECAUSE YOU LADIES
SURE KNOW HOW TO SPEND IT.

OH, ANOTHER ONE SLIPPED OUT.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

HEY, DAD.
COME ON IN.

OH, PLEASE TELL ME

YOU DIDN'T TAKE THAT
FROM A KID IN A WHEELCHAIR.

HI, VANESSA.
HEY, BUD.

I FOUND THIS FOR EVE.

IT'S THE GAME BALL

FROM WHEN YOUR SCHOOL
WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP.

I KNOW
MIKE REMEMBERS THIS GAME.

OH, YEAH?

JIMMY SCORED
THE WINNING TOUCHDOWN,

AND MIKE GOT TO CHEER HIM ON
FROM THE BENCH.

MOM! I HAD A BIG BREAKTHROUGH
ON THAT SKIRT I WAS WORKING ON.

CAN I SHOW YOU?
OF COURSE. I'D LOVE TO SEE
ANYTHING THAT YOU DESIGN.

SO...

HEY, GUYS.

HEY.

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]
OH, MY GOD! EVE!

HEY.
YOU'RE HURT!

FORGET IT. I'LL JUST
FINISH MY STORY WHEN
EVE GOES OFF TO COLLEGE.

DON'T GET FREAKED OUT.
I'M FINE.

SO WHAT'S WITH
THE CRUTCHES?

YOU JUST WANTED TO PARK
CLOSER TO THE HOUSE, DIDN'T YA?

SHE JUST SPRAINED HER KNEE
AT PRACTICE.

I-I-I TWEAKED IT.

I JUST NEED TO GET UPSTAIRS
AND GET MY WEIGHT OFF IT.

ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BRING YOU
SOME ICE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S ALREADY
FEELING BETTER.

UNRELATED -- HOW MUCH
ASPIRIN CAN ONE TAKE
BEFORE IT'S LETHAL?

ASKING FOR A FRIEND.

THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT I SAID WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

SO YOU JINXED HER!
THANKS A LOT!

SHE'S OUT THERE WITH
ALL THOSE GIANT 78's AND 85's --

IT WAS JUST A MATTER OF TIME
BEFORE SHE GOT INJURED.

YOU KNOW WHO
NEVER GOT INJURED --
DAD!

I DON'T WANT HER PLAYING
IN THAT GAME FRIDAY NIGHT

OR ANY OTHER FRIDAY NIGHT.

I WANT HER OFF THAT TEAM.

SO IT'S TOO LATE
TO ASK YOU NOT TO OVERREACT.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
I'M NOT OVERREACTING.

YEAH?

I AM SO SORRY!
YOU PROBABLY HATE ME!

WELL, YOU'RE A TEENAGER,
SO CHANCES ARE VERY GOOD.

WHAT IS IT, CAMMY?

WE WERE AT SOCCER PRACTICE
AND WE BOTH WENT FOR THE BALL,

AND I GUESS EVE
TWISTED HER KNEE,

AND IT'S MY STUPID FAULT!

SO THIS HAPPENED
AT SOCCER.

OH, MY GOD! WHAT IF THIS MEANS
EVE HAS TO QUIT SOCCER?

WHAT IF SHE
NEVER COMES BACK TO ME?

TO US. THE TEAM.

EVE PLAYS SOCCER, TOO?

YES, AND SHE'S AMAZING.

SHE'S LIKE A YOUNG LEOPARD,
BUT ALSO A WARM SPRING BREEZE.

AND A DAISY.

I'M OLD, LITTLE GIRL.
YOU HAVE TO TRY TO MAKE SENSE.

CAMMY,
EVE'S GONNA BE FINE.

LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE THIS UPSTAIRS FOR HER KNEE

IF YOU WANT TO BE HELPFUL.

THANK YOU,
EVE'S MOM!

THAT IS
A STRANGE CHILD.

LISTEN, HONEY...

I THINK THE GAME OF FOOTBALL
IS DUE A LITTLE APOLOGY.

I DON'T CARE, MIKE.
I DON'T CARE.

SHE'S QUITTING.
IT'S TOO DANGEROUS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THIS HAPPENED AT SOCCER.

SHE'S BEEN PLAYING SOCCER
FOR NINE YEARS,

NOTHING'S EVER HAPPENED.

I MEAN NOTHING -- NO SCORING,
NO ACTION, NOTHING.

NINE YEARS OF ME IN THE STANDS
WITH YOU NEXT TO ME...

"WAKE UP, GET UP,
IT'S OVER, WAKE UP!"

IT'S ALL TOO MUCH, MIKE.

T-THE FOOTBALL, THE SOCCER,
THE JUNIOR ROTC.

COME ON. WE CAN'T STOP HER
FROM DOING FUN, CRAZY STUFF.

THAT'S WHO SHE IS.

YEAH, BECAUSE
YOU MADE HER THAT WAY.

YOU'RE BLAMING ME...
YES.

...FOR OUR OVER-ACHIEVING,
ATHLETIC, BRILLIANT DAUGHTER,

THEN I'LL TAKE THAT.

YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M BLAMING YOU FOR?

THIS. THIS.

IT'S A NOMINATION LETTER
FOR WEST POINT.
YEAH.

CAME THREE DAYS AGO.

IT'S FROM
CONGRESSWOMAN DeWITT.
GREAT.

I ASKED ED
TO HELP US OUT.

THIS IS GREAT NEWS.

HE THINKS HE CAN GET
JOE BIDEN TO DO THIS.

HE KNOWS THE GUY
THAT WHITENS HIS TEETH.

I DON'T WANT
EVE GOING TO WEST POINT.

I DON'T.

IT WAS ONE THING WHEN SHE
WAS LITTLE, BUT NOW IT'S JUST...

IT'S -- IT'S STARTING
TO BE TOO REAL, MIKE.

IF EVE BECOMES
A SOLDIER,

JUST THINK -- SOMEDAY,
THE NEWS AT OUR FRONT DOOR...

IT -- IT MIGHT BE WORSE
THAN A HURT KNEE.

I'M SCARED OF THIS, TOO.
OKAY?

IT'S THE MOST TERRIFYING THING
I EVER WENT THROUGH.

BEING A SOLDIER.

NAH.
BEING A PARENT.

CAN'T PROTECT YOUR KIDS FROM
THE CHOICES THEY WANNA MAKE,

EVEN WHEN THEY'RE
SCARING THE HELL OUTTA YOU.

OKAY, SO, UH...
SO, WHAT DID YOU DO?

I TRY TO SHUT DOWN
MY EMOTIONS.

I'M PRETTY GOOD AT IT.

THIS HELPS.

SO OUTSIDE OF USING ALCOHOL
TO PUSH DOWN YOUR EMOTIONS,

WE CAN TRY
TO KEEP THE KID SAFE

WHILE SHE'S
LIVING UNDER OUR ROOF.

THAT'S ALL WE CAN DO.

I WANT TO SUPPORT EVE IN
EVERYTHING THAT SHE DOES, BUT...

YOU CAN'T HOLD HER BACK

FROM BEING THE WOMAN
THAT SHE WANTS TO BE.

THE WORLD'S
GONNA DO ENOUGH OF THAT.

I'M WITH MY SON, THE FEMINIST,
ON THIS.

IT'S NEVER GONNA GET EASY,
IS IT?

I TOLD YOU
KIDS WERE A BAD IDEA.

[ SIGHS ]

AH, HERE. MIGHT AS WELL
GIVE THIS TO EVE.

SHE'LL BE REALLY HAPPY
TO SEE IT.

UH, YOU SHOULD
GIVE IT TO HER.

WHY ME?
WELL, I DON'T WANT HER
TO THINK I OPENED HER MAIL.

THAT IS,
IN FACT, A FELONY.

GOOD JOB, MIKE.

THANKS, DAD.

UNCONDITIONAL SUPPORT
FOR YOUR KIDS...

MM-HMM.

...AND NEVER, EVER
SHOW FAVORITES.

I GOT THAT FROM JIMMY.

WELL, THAT'S -- THAT'S
ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIC.

EVE'S A GREAT KID.
EVE'S A GREAT KID.

AND WEST POINT HAS ALWAYS
BEEN A DREAM OF HERS, SIR.

YEAH, SO THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'S BEEN AN HONOR SPEAKING
WITH YOU, MR. VICE PRESIDENT,

AND I'M SURE YOU HAVE -- SURE
YOU HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO

WITH YOUR TIME RIGHT NOW, SIR,
YOUR VALUABLE TIME.

NO, I-I DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING PRESSING

I HAVE TO DO RIGHT NOW.

DO I LIKE JOKES?

SURE, SURE.
GO AHEAD.

ALL RIGHT.
[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH.

OKAY, UH...

HOW MANY DOES IT TAKE
TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB, SIR?

REALLY? WELL,
THAT SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE

TO DO WHAT SEEMS TO BE
LIKE A RELATIVELY SIMPLE TASK.

UM...

WHA-- SIR?

DID I HEAR A TOILET FLUSH?