Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 19 - Hard-Ass Teacher - full transcript

Eve tries to avoid a class with a tough teacher so she can get straight A's and go to college at West Point.

"LAST MAN STANDING"
IS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.

OKAY, PEOPLE.

I'VE DECIDED WHERE
I WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE.

WHAT'S YOUR RUSH, HUH?
YOU'RE JUST A SOPHOMORE.

UNLESS YOU'VE DECIDED ON
THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY,

IN WHICH CASE,
WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?

I'M NOT LEANING TOWARD
THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY,

MOSTLY BECAUSE ITS ALUMNI
INSIST ON CALLING IT

"THE" OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY.

Mike:
WELL, IT SOUNDS BETTER



THAN THE SAFETY SCHOOL
OF THE MIDWEST.

WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU WANT HER
TO GO TO YOUR PRECIOUS MICHIGAN.

I LOVE EVE, BUT I'D RATHER
SOMEONE GO THERE

THAT CAN HELP THEM
WITH THE FOOTBALL TEAM.

MICHIGAN STILL HAS
A FOOTBALL TEAM?

THIS IS GONNA BE A MUCH BETTER
YEAR THIS YEAR.
GUYS! GUYS!

WE'LL GO TO A --
AS MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE
TO BE PART OF A RIVALRY

IN AN IRRELEVANT
FOOTBALL CONFERENCE,

I'M NOT GOING
TO EITHER OF THOSE.

AND THE BEST PART IS THE SCHOOL
WON'T COST YOU ANYTHING, DAD.

NOTHING? I'M IN.
NOPE.

HONEY, WE'RE GONNA GET
A NEW BOAT!

YOU KNOW WHAT? WE COULD EVEN
CALL IT "THE SCHOLARSHIP."

[ LAUGHS ]



WELL, SURPRISE.
WHAT SCHOOL?

WEST POINT.

MILITARY SCHOOL?

WHAT PARENT WOULDN'T
BE HAPPY THAT THEIR
KID PICKED WEST POINT?

WELL, RIGHT OFF THE TOP
OF MY HEAD,

MR. AND MRS. GANDHI.

I NEVER GOT GANDHI
ANYWAY.

HE WORE A DIAPER,
DIDN'T LIKE FOOD.

WHY WOULD YOU NEED
THE DIAPER?

WELL, IT'S PRETTY TOUGH
TO GET IN,

SO I'LL HAVE TO MAINTAIN
MY STRAIGHT A's.

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
YEAH, BUT, HONEY, WAIT.

WITH THOSE GRADES,
YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE,

EVEN
THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY.

YEAH, YEAH, MOM.
I GOT IT.

IT'S THE HARVARD
OF CENTRAL OHIO.

LOOK...

I WANT TO BE AN ARMY RANGER,
NOT A BUCKEYE.

THERE YOU GO.
YOU GOT TO GO WITH HER ON THIS.

YOUR MASCOT IS BASICALLY
AN ACORN WEARING A CARDIGAN.

-- Captions by VITAC --

HEY, MR. B.

I'M ALMOST DONE
WITH THE ROCK-CLIMBING DISPLAY,

BUT I'M HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE
WITH THE SIGN.

WELL, WORK AT IT.

READING CAN BE VERY DIFFICULT,
KYLE.

EXCUSE ME.

OH. YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE IN CHARGE.

YOU SEE THAT?

YOU'VE GOT THE CHISELED FEATURES
OF A LEADER.

ALSO, HIS FACE
IS ON THAT POSTER.

UH, I KNOW THAT POSTER HAS
A BIG SMILE THAT SAYS "WELCOME,"

BUT IT SHOULD BE SAYING,
"THIS IS FOR EMPLOYEES ONLY."

OH, WELL, THAT --
THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DOING HERE.

JASON WOULD LIKE TO BE
AN EMPLOYEE.

SHAKE THE MAN'S HAND,
JASON.

DID YOU WASH
AFTER USING THE LAVATORY?

I'M GONNA NEED AN ANSWER
TO THAT, SON.

THE MAN YOU WANT TO TALK TO
IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU --

THE OWNER OF THE STORE,
ED ALZATE.

ED, YOU MIGHT WANT TO
THINK TWICE

ABOUT SHAKING
THIS YOUNG MAN'S HAND.

WENDI GRAYSON.
HI.

AND MY SON, JASON.

JASON GRAYSON.

NOW, WHO WOULD DO THAT
TO A KID?

[ CHUCKLES ]

JASON, TELL HIM
WHY WE'RE HERE.

JASON FILLED OUT AN APPLICATION
FOR A JOB HERE IN YOUR STORE,

AND HE HASN'T HEARD
ANYTHING BACK IN THREE DAYS.

HE'S VERY UPSET.

I-I-I CAN SEE THAT.

ARE WE IN ANY DANGER?

JASON'S OFF FOR THE SUMMER,

AND HE NEEDS SOMETHING TO DO
WITH ALL OF THAT ENERGY.

MM-HMM.

I DO STUFF.

YOU WON'T BE SORRY,
MR. ALZATE.

HE'S INTELLIGENT.

HE CAN TYPE ON THAT THING
WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING.
AH.

WATCH. JASON.

SEE? LOOK AT THAT.

TELL HIM ABOUT
YOUR POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES.

I'M HARD-WORKING.
I'M CONSCIENTIOUS.

AND?

YOU'RE A SELF-STARTER.

OH.

WELL, WE'RE ALWAYS LOOKING
FOR A KID LIKE THAT.

COME BACK
WHEN YOU'RE HIM.

HIS FATHER IS DEAD.

MRS. GRAYSON,
THIS IS VERY UNUSUAL.

I'VE NEVER HAD SOMEONE

BRING HIS MOTHER
TO A JOB INTERVIEW BEFORE.

WELL, THAT'S MY JASON.
HE IS ONE IN A MILLION.

HE'LL BE VERY RELIABLE,

AND HE'LL BE ON TIME EVERY DAY
BECAUSE I WILL BE DRIVING HIM.

WHAT TIME SHALL I HAVE HIM HERE
IN THE MORNING?

YOU MEAN TOMORROW MORNING?
THAT WORKS FOR US.

SAY,
"THANK YOU," JASON.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

A LITTLE LOW
ON THE LEFT.

UH, MY LEFT
OR YOUR LEFT?

WE'RE FACING
THE SAME DIRECTION.

I'LL TURN AROUND.

MIKE, THANKS FOR DUMPING
THAT WOMAN OFF ON ME.

SORRY ABOUT THAT,
BUT I HAD TO GET OUT OF THERE.

I ENDED UP
HIRING HER SON.

WELL, PUT HIM IN THE STOCKROOM.
WE NEED ANOTHER DOORSTOP.

WHY DID YOU HIRE
THAT KID?

WELL,
WE NEED SOME EXTRA HELP,

AND HE CAN'T BE WORSE

THAN THE OTHER COLLEGE KIDS
WHO APPLY.

"CAN'T BE WORSE
THAN THE OTHER KIDS" --

THERE'S A RéSUMé TOPPER.

ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S PERFECT, KYLE.

NOW PUT THE FAKE ROCKS
BACK UP AT THE TOP,

AND THEN WE'RE ALL SET.

YES, SIR.

YOU KNOW,
I BLAME THE PARENTS.

YOU KNOW,
THEY PAMPER THEIR KIDS.

THAT'S WHY THEY END UP LIVING
AT HOME UNTIL THEY'RE 30.

THEY'RE CALLED MILLENNIALS.
YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE IT TAKES 1,000 YEARS TO
GET THEM OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE.

EVE'S NOT TAKING
THE EASY WAY OUT.

HMM.
GUESS WHERE
SHE WANTS TO GO TO COLLEGE.

WEST POINT.

OH, COME ON.
YEAH.

YOU SEE THAT?
YOU RAISED A GOOD ONE, MIKEY.
YEAH.

YES, YES.
I GUESS THERE ARE

A FEW COMPETENT
YOUNG PEOPLE LEFT.

MR. B...
YEAH?

...MY ARM'S STUCK.

HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.

USE YOUR BELT AS A TOURNIQUET,
BITE DOWN ON IT...

...I'LL BE BACK
IN 127 HOURS.

YOU MIND DOING THAT
SOMEWHERE ELSE?

YOU'RE MAKING A RACKET
WITH ALL THAT FOLDING.

I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS I USED
TOO MUCH SHOUT AND CHEER.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHY ARE YOU BEING
SUCH A GRUMP?

I'M SORRY.

I GOT A "C"
ON MY LAST GEOMETRY TEST.

THAT'S NOT GONNA GET ME
INTO WEST POINT.

MM, WEST POINT?
THAT BAR ON LEETSDALE?

I GET IN THERE
ALL THE TIME.

YOU JUST GOT TO TELL
THE BOUNCER

THAT YOU LEFT YOUR PHONE
IN THE LADIES' ROOM.

I'M TALKING ABOUT
GETTING INTO

THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS
MILITARY ACADEMY IN THE WORLD.

WELL, TRY THE PHONE THING THERE.
IT'S NEVER NOT WORKED.

WELL, I WOULD BE GETTING
AN "A" IN GEOMETRY

IF MY TEACHER WAS
ANYBODY BUT HARDIN.

OH,
I HAD HARD-ASS HARDIN.

YEAH, I HAD HARDIN, TOO.
GOD, I LOVED HIM.

[ CHUCKLES ] YOU ALSO HAD
A BABY IN HIGH SCHOOL,

SO WHEN YOU SAY "LOVED"...

HE WAS A GREAT TEACHER.

[ GASPS ] OF WHAT?

GEOMETRY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
HARDIN'S STILL TEACHING THERE.

OH, HE'S STILL THERE,

CRUSHING THE COLLEGE DREAMS
OF A SWEET, YOUNG GIRL

WHO JUST WANTS TO LEARN
HOW TO SHOOT PEOPLE.

JUST DO WHAT I DID.

JUST SWITCH TO THE EASIER
GEOMETRY TEACHER.

YOU JUST DOWNLOAD
THE SCHEDULE-CHANGE FORM

AND YOU GET MOM OR DAD
TO SIGN IT FOR YOU.

DUDE,
I SWITCHED CLASSES,

AND I ENDED UP
WITH A GENTLEMAN'S "C"...

BY COPYING OFF
THE GENTLEMAN NEXT TO ME.

YOU KNOW, EVE, UH,
HARDIN'S ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD

AT TUTORING HIS STUDENTS.

REALLY?
THAT'S YOUR ADVICE, KRISTIN?

[ SCOFFS ]
ASK A MAN FOR HELP?

FEMINISM CALLED,

AND THEY WERE LIKE,
"WHERE'S KRISTIN?"

I WAS LIKE, "UM,
JUST IN THE KITCHEN

FOLDING HER BOYFRIEND'S
UNDERWEAR."

AND THEY WERE LIKE,
"EW. GROSS."

AND I WAS LIKE,
"TOTES."

OH, HEY.
UH, CAN I GET YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

BOY, THERE'S SOMETHING
A GEOLOGIST NEVER HEARS.

WHAT IS IT, HONEY?

UH, JUST A CLASS SCHEDULE
CHANGE FORM,

STRICTLY
BOILERPLATE STUFF.

I'M SWITCHING
GEOMETRY CLASSES

SO I'LL HAVE A FREE PERIOD
TO HIT THE BOOKS

BEFORE SOFTBALL PRACTICE.

OH, ALL RIGHT.
YEAH. SOUNDS SMART.

YEP. THESE WHEELS
ARE ALWAYS TURNING.

HOLD UP THERE, PROUD MARY.

WHAT CLASS
ARE YOU TRANSFERRING OUT OF?

GEOMETRY
WITH MR. HARDIN.

OH. ISN'T HE THE TOUGH ONE
THE KIDS CALL "HARD-ASS"?

PROBABLY. KIDS CAN BE
REALLY MEAN, YOU KNOW?

UH, HEY, WILL YOU JUST SIGN
WHERE I PUT THE ARROW STICKER?

THAT'D BE GREAT.
HOLD ON A SECOND.

WHAT THE HECK'S GOING ON
WITH YOU?

LOOK AT HER.

SWEATING LIKE A DRUG MULE
GOING THROUGH CUSTOMS.

OKAY, FINE.
HARDIN IS KILLING ME, OKAY?

HE GAVE ME A "C"
ON MY LAST TEST.

I DON'T GET C's.
I CAN'T GET C's.

YOU REALLY DISAPPOINT ME TRYING
TO PULL SOMETHING OVER ON ME

AND, SECONDLY, THINKING THAT YOU
COULD PULL SOMETHING OVER ON ME.

I'M SORRY,
BUT THIS TEACHER

IS LIKE SOME SADISTIC MONSTER
WHO HATES THE YOUNG.

YOU KNOW,
I'LL BET HE ORDERS VEAL

EVEN THOUGH
HE DOESN'T LIKE VEAL

JUST SO THEY HAVE TO TORTURE
ANOTHER LITTLE CALF

TO MAKE MORE VEAL.

WHY DON'T WE HAVE
MORE VEAL?

[ SIGHS ]

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF OTHER PARENTS
COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS HARDIN.

HE HOLDS THE KIDS
TO A RIDICULOUSLY HIGH STANDARD.

I LIKE THIS GUY.
YEAH, OF COURSE YOU DO.

HARD-ASS,
HIGH STANDARDS --

THAT'S LOOKING BACK AT ME
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THE MIRROR.

OKAY, WELL, YOUR HERO'S GONNA
KEEP ME OUT OF WEST POINT.

IF HE GETS TOUGH, HONEY,
YOU JUST GET TOUGHER.

YEAH, BUT IT'S ALL OR NOTHING
WITH THIS GUY, DAD.

YOU DO ALL THE RIGHT THINGS
TO SOLVE A MATH PROBLEM,

BUT IF YOU MAKE
ONE TINY MISTAKE AT THE END,

HE MARKS
THE WHOLE THING WRONG.

WHAT?!

IF YOU GET A WRONG ANSWER,
HE MARKS IT WRONG?!

DAD...

WHERE'S THIS GUY FROM,
NORTH KOREA?

DAD, I'M STILL GONNA BE
LEARNING GEOMETRY.

I'LL JUST BE GETTING
AN "A"

LIKE I DO IN ALL
MY OTHER HONORS CLASSES.

YOU'RE RUNNING
FROM A CHALLENGE.

THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE
SOMEONE GOING TO WEST POINT,

UNLESS THE WEST POINT'S
SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE.

YOU KNOW, I THINK EVE'S
BEING SMART ABOUT THIS.

BY GOING
TO A DUMBER CLASS?
NO. WAIT, NO, NO, NO.

GPA IS VERY IMPORTANT.
I KNOW THAT.

GETTING INTO COLLEGE --
IT'S INSANELY COMPETITIVE.

I-I DOUBT THAT I WOULD GET
ACCEPTED AT OHIO STATE NOW.

SURE YOU WOULD HAVE.

THEY TAKE ANYBODY.

MR. ALZATE,
JUST A HEADS UP.

MRS. GRAYSON
IS HERE TO SEE YOU.

WHO?

LIKE, THIS TALL,
REAL PUSHY,

HAS A LONG LIST OF WAYS I'M NOT
AS GOOD AS HER SON, JASON.

OH, GOD.
TELL HER I'M NOT HERE.

MR. ALZATE IS NOT HERE.

THANKS FOR THE HELP,
KYLE.

I JUST CAME BY TO SAY THANK YOU
FOR GIVING MY JASON THE JOB.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

YEAH,
HE CAME HOME YESTERDAY

AND TOLD ME ALL ABOUT
HIS FIRST DAY.

APPARENTLY, IT WAS --

HOW DID HE PUT IT?
"FINE."

YOU KNOW,
I DON'T GET IT.

I HAVE LAYERS AND LAYERS
OF EMPLOYEES

JUST TO KEEP THIS
FROM HAPPENING.

OH.
I-I DON'T MEAN TO INTRUDE.

I JUST -- I CAME
TO BRING JASON HIS LUNCH.

WHICH ONE OF THESE OFFICES
IS HIS?

JASON DOESN'T HAVE
AN OFFICE.

H-HE'S WORKING
IN THE STOCKROOM.

[ CHUCKLES ] HOW WILL YOU
RECOGNIZE HIS POTENTIAL

IF HE'S HIDDEN AWAY
IN A STOCKROOM?

GIVE HIM THAT BOY'S JOB.

UH, MRS. GRAYSON --

WENDI.
YES. [ CHUCKLES ]

Y-YOUR SON IS A PART-TIME
SEASONAL EMPLOYEE.

I SHOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
HIS NAME.

I SURE AS HELL
SHOULDN'T KNOW HIS MOTHER'S.

I'M SORRY, MR. ALZATE.

I JUST -- JASON IS ALL I HAVE
IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW,

AND THE HOUSE
SEEMS SO EMPTY AND QUIET,

AND WHEN HE'S GONE,

I-I FIND MYSELF TALKING TO
THE DENT HE LEFT IN THE COUCH.

MRS. GRAYSON,
FLIP THE CUSHION AND MOVE ON.

THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR JASON
OR FOR YOU, EITHER.

JUST FIND SOMETHING ELSE
TO FOCUS ON.

YEAH.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING,
MR. ALZATE?

I HAVE...
A SLIGHT HEADACHE,

BUT I'M PRETTY SURE
IT WILL BE GONE SOON.

I-I NOTICED A LITTLE BIT
OF CLOUDINESS ON YOUR TONGUE

WHEN YOU WERE SHOUTING
AT ME.

[ Chuckling ]
I WASN'T SHOUTING.

HOW CLOUDY?
OPEN.

OH, THAT'S BAD.
YOU'VE GOT TO SIT DOWN.

I'M GONNA -- I'M GONNA
HAVE YOU TRY SOMETHING.

I MADE IT FOR JASON,
BUT YOU NEED IT MUCH, MUCH MORE.
I'M FINE.

I'M FINE.

I-I WON'T TAKE "NO"
FOR AN ANSWER.

I JUST GAVE YOUR KID
A JOB.

YOU WON'T TAKE "YES"
FOR AN ANSWER.

OH, COME ON, PLEASE.
THIS IS --

YOU KNOW,
THIS IS VERY TASTY.
YEAH.

I CALL IT
MY NIACIN PASTA...
MMM. YEAH.

...BECAUSE INSTEAD OF FLOUR,
I USE NIACIN.

WELL, THIS IS --
THIS IS QUITE DELICIOUS.

MMM.

TRUST ME.

YOU'RE GONNA GET A "THANK YOU"
NOTE FROM YOUR COLON.

I DOUBT THAT.
NO ONE WRITES NOTES ANYMORE.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

UH, EXCUSE ME.

MR. HARDIN?

COME IN. COME IN.

MRS. BAXTER.
OH. HEY.

PLEASE TELL EVE HER EX-BOYFRIEND
ANDREW SAID, "HELLO."

AND THAT
HE HASN'T MOVED ON.

AT ALL.

UH, WELL, I'LL TELL EVE
THAT YOU SAID, "HELLO,"

AND FOR YOUR SAKE,
I'LL LEAVE OUT THE LAST PART.

OH, MY. IS THAT BOY
WEARING A DUNCE CAP?

[ CHUCKLES ] OH, NO.

I COULD NEVER GET AWAY WITH
BEING THAT INSENSITIVE TO KIDS

IN THIS DAY AND AGE.

IT'S A GENIUS CAP.

THIS GENIUS
FORGOT TO DO HIS HOMEWORK.

ISN'T THAT HUMILIATING?

WELL, THAT'S THE KIND
OF QUESTION

I WOULD EXPECT
FROM A GENIUS.

ALL RIGHT, THOMAS.
YOUR TIME IS UP.

NEXT TIME, I'LL MAKE YOU SIT
IN THE WOBBLY CHAIR.

IT DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE MUCH,

BUT AFTER 20 MINUTES,
YOU JUST WANT TO SCREAM.

OH.

IT'S LIKE REGGAE.

UH, HOW CAN I HELP YOU,
MRS. BAXTER?

UH, WELL, ACTUALLY,
I'M HERE FOR EVE.

UH, SHE'S --
HOW CAN I PUT THIS?

SHE'S -- SHE'S NOT ENJOYING
HER EXPERIENCE IN YOUR CLASS.

WELL, FUN ISN'T REALLY
THE OBJECTIVE IN MY CLASSROOM.

THAT'S WHY I REMOVED
THE BOUNCY HOUSE.

NO, W-WHAT I MEAN IS
SHE'S FRUSTRATED.

I MEAN, SHE'S -- SHE'S EVEN
TALKING ABOUT A TRANSFER.

NO, NO.
SHE CAN'T!

I-I MEAN, UH...

I-I PURPOSELY FAILED
THE ENTRANCE EXAM

FOR A.P. CALCULUS

JUST SO I COULD BE IN HERE
WITH HER.

[ Laughing ] OH, ANDREW.

PLEASE GO.

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE
SO...DESPERATE.

HAVEN'T YOU HEARD?
YOUR KIND RULES THE WORLD.

YOU MEAN ASTHMATICS?

I'M, UH -- I'M SORRY TO HEAR
EVE'S CONSIDERING A TRANSFER.

SHE'S, UH, ONE
OF MY BEST STUDENTS.

WELL, THEN WHY DOES SHE KEEP
GETTING C's?

ISN'T THERE SOMETHING
THAT SHE CAN DO

TO GET BETTER GRADES
ON YOUR TESTS?

ABSOLUTELY.
GET MORE OF THE ANSWERS RIGHT.

I MEAN, WHAT IF SHE TOOK
A RETEST OF -- OF THE LAST TEST

OR MAYBE, UM, EARNED
SOME EXTRA CREDIT

OR -- OR SOMETHING
TO RAISE HER GRADE?

AH, YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE.

NO, NO, I'M NOT.
I-I --

WAIT, WHAT?
ONE OF WHAT?

ONE OF THOSE PARENTS
WHO COMES IN HERE

DEMANDING I GIVE THEIR KID
A BETTER GRADE.

YEAH, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, IF I'M ONE OF THOSE,
THEN I'M ONE OF THE GOOD ONES.

MRS. BAXTER, I'VE BEEN TEACHING
THE SAME MATERIAL

THE SAME WAY
FOR 40 YEARS.

EVERY YEAR,
THE GRADES GO DOWN

AND THE PRESSURE
FROM THE PARENTS GOES UP.

BUT THE MATH
STAYS THE SAME.

"A" SQUARED PLUS "B" SQUARED
EQUALS...?

"C" SQUARED!

I-I KNOW THAT. I JUST --
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE --

WANTED -- NEVER MIND.

I AM NOT GOING TO LOWER
MY STANDARDS,

AND NO AMOUNT
OF PARENTAL COERCION

IS GOING
TO CHANGE THAT.

AND YOU KNOW WHY?

"C" SQUARED.

BECAUSE EVERY DAY,

I DRIVE BACK AND FORTH
ACROSS THE 19th STREET BRIDGE,

AND EVERY DAY, I PRAY

THAT THE MEN AND WOMEN
WHO BUILT THAT BRIDGE

LEARNED THEIR MATH

FROM TEACHERS WHO DEMANDED
THE BEST FROM THEM.

UH, EVE HAS HER HEART SET
ON WEST POINT.

SHE'S NOT SO INTERESTED
IN BUILDING BRIDGES

AS SHE IS
IN BLOWING THEM UP.

COME ON. ISN'T THERE
SOMETHING YOU CAN DO
TO HELP HER GET AN "A"?

YES.

I CAN LET HER TAKE GEOMETRY
FROM SOMEONE ELSE.

MR. JORY'S CLASS.

SHE'LL LIKE HIM.

HE'S HIP...

PLAYS THE BANJO.

HEY. MIKE BAXTER HERE
FOR OUTDOOR MAN.

HEY, CHECK IT OUT.

LOOK AT HIM,
SCALING THAT THING

LIKE A SUREFOOTED
MOUNTAIN GOAT.

THE TRUTH IS
HE'S GETTING A LITTLE HELP.

I'M CLIMBING!

HE'S BASICALLY DOING NOTHING.

I MADE IT, MR. B.
I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD!

THIS IS WHAT AMERICA'S COME TO.

REAL ACCOMPLISHMENT
PLAYS SECOND FIDDLE

TO JUST FEELING GOOD
ABOUT OURSELVES --

FEELING GOOD
WHETHER WE EARNED IT OR NOT.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

WE LOVE TO SAY
AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE.

BUT ARE WE?

OUR STUDENTS RANK 30th IN MATH,
23rd IN SCIENCE,

AND 20th IN READING.

WELL, WHAT ARE WE NUMBER ONE IN?

I'LL TELL YOU.
SELF-ESTEEM.

YEAH. WE'RE A NATION
OF CONFIDENT IDIOTS.

IT'S OUR FAULT AS PARENTS.

OUR LITTLE DARLINGS
SCRIBBLE ON A PIECE OF PAPER,

AND WE PRAISE IT.

"OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL ART."

REALLY?
GREEN DOG WITH EIGHT LEGS?

THAT SHOULDN'T BUMP THE DOMINO'S
COUPON OFF THE FRIDGE.

WE DEMAND OUR EGGS BE GRADE "A"

WHILE WE GIVE OUR KIDS
A FREE PASS.

WE EXPECT LESS FROM OUR CHILDREN
THAN WE DO FROM OUR POULTRY.

LET'S STOP BABYING
THIS GENERATION, PEOPLE,

AND SHARPEN THEM UP!

OH, BY THE WAY,

ALL HUNTING BLADES ON SALE
THIS WEEK AT OUTDOOR MAN.

HEY, COME ON, GUYS.
COFFEE'S ON ME.

WAIT.
HOW DO I GET DOWN?

TELL YOU WHAT -- A KID FROM ASIA
WOULD FIGURE IT OUT.

SO, I'LL BET HARDIN'S CLASS
WAS EASY TO FIND.

YOU JUST FOLLOW THE SOUNDS
OF SCREAMING CHILDREN.
[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH, YOU KNOW, I SAW
YOUR FRIEND ANDREW THERE.

HE REALLY LIKES YOU.

YEAH. HE FOLLOWS ME AROUND
AT SCHOOL.

IT'S SORT OF A
"MARY'S LITTLE LAMB" SITUATION.

I CAN SEE WHAT YOU MEAN
ABOUT HARDIN.

NOT ONLY
IS HE TOUGH ON KIDS,

BUT HE'S NOT TOO CRAZY
ABOUT PARENTS, EITHER.

DON'T EVEN GET HIM STARTED
ON REGGAE.

HEY, GUYS.

HEY.
Eve: HI.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WELL, I WENT TO SEE
HARDIN TODAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY?

HE IS A LOT LIKE YOU.
YOU WOULD'VE LOVED HIM.

DOESN'T SOUND LIKE
YOU DID.
[ SIGHS ]

IF HE REMINDS YOU OF ME,
THAT MAKES ME WONDER.

MAYBE THIS WHOLE THING'S
BUILT ON SAND.

HMM.

HMM-HMM-HMM.

WELL,
HE SIGNED EVE'S TRANSFER,

BUT I WANT TO RUN IT
BY YOU FIRST,

BECAUSE YOU FELT
PRETTY STRONGLY.

I DO FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT IT.
BUT THIS IS EVE'S DECISION.

REALLY?
THIS ISN'T A TRICK?

OH.

GOODBYE, HARDIN.
HELLO, BANJO BOY.

[ IMITATES BANJO PLAYING ]

WELL, LOOK AT THAT.

LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT
WHAT YOU WANTED.

HEY, WAIT, DAD.
I'M SORRY.

BUT ALL JOKING ASIDE,

I HAVE TRIED AND TRIED
WITH THIS GUY,

AND NO MATTER HOW HARD
I WORK, HE'S NEVER
GONNA GIVE ME AN "A."

SO IF I'M HEADING
TOWARDS A MINEFIELD,

ISN'T IT BETTER
TO JUST GO AROUND IT?

WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS
THE SMART AND PRACTICAL THING,

BUT IT'S ALSO
THE EASY THING,

AND I DON'T THINK THE EASY THING
IS ALWAYS THE RIGHT THING.

WELL, I KNOW
I'M DISAPPOINTING YOU.

BELIEVE ME,
IT'S NOT THE EASY THING.

YOU'RE BEING
A LITTLE HARD ON EVE.

YOU KNOW, I LOOK AT HER
AS A DIAMOND, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, AND A DIAMOND

IS JUST A PIECE OF COAL
THAT STUCK IT OUT.

IF SHE GETS IN THE COLLEGE
OF HER DREAMS, THAT'S GREAT,

BUT I WISH THAT SHE'D DO IT
AS THE DIAMOND THAT SHE IS.

BUT A DIAMOND
IS ALSO PRODUCED

BY WITHSTANDING
INTENSE PRESSURE.

THAT'S WHAT EVE
JUST DID.

HONEY,
SHE JUST STOOD UP

TO THE TOUGHEST, MOST IMPORTANT
PERSON IN HER LIFE.

THAT'S WHAT A DIAMOND IS.

OKAY. THAT WAS
A GOOD OBSERVATION.

ESPECIALLY
COMING FROM SOMEBODY

THAT WENT TO
THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY.

HEY, MR. ALZATE.
JUST A HEADS UP.

JASON GRAYSON'S MOM
IS HERE TO SEE YOU.

YEAH, ALL THE GUYS
IN THE STOCKROOM

THINK SHE'S, UM, A
[WHISTLES]

BLBLBLBLB!

[ CHUCKLES ]

IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN
A CARTOON,

I-I PROBABLY LOOKED
PRETTY FOOLISH RIGHT THERE.

I GET IT.
THEY THINK SHE'S CRAZY, HUH?

YOU KNOW WHY MRS. GRAYSON
IS STOPPING BY, KYLE? HMM?

SHE'S MEETING ME
TO GO OUT ON OUR DATE.

A DATE?
MM-HMM.

LIKE PEOPLE DO WHEN
THEY'RE A MAN AND A WOMAN?

YES, YES.

SHE'S A LOVELY,
CARING WOMAN,

AND I FEEL FORTUNATE THAT
SHE'S AGREED TO GO OUT WITH ME.

I GUESS I SHOULD JUST,
UH, EXIT STAGE RIGHT.

IT'S ANOTHER
CARTOON THING.

KYLE.

AH.
HELLO, EDDIE.

WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL.
LOOK AT YOU.

SHALL WE? HMM?
[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU WEARING THE INSOLES
I GOT FOR YOU?

MM-HMM.
REALLY GREAT FOR THE BACK.
WAS I RIGHT?

NEVER FELT BETTER
OR TALLER.