Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 16 - Stud Muffin - full transcript

"LAST MAN STANDING"
IS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU LEFT THAT GUY MY NUMBER.

YOU WEREN'T GOING TO.

BECAUSE HE DRIVES A MINIVAN
WITH A DENT IN IT.

YOU WERE THE ONE
WHO DENTED IT.
WAIT. W-W-WAIT. HOLD IT.

MANDY,
YOU DENTED A CAR?

A PARKED CAR.

IN HER DEFENSE, SHE WAS SWERVING
TO AVOID A TREE.

AND YOU WEREN'T
GONNA LEAVE A NOTE?

OH, WHAT WAS
I SUPPOSED TO SAY?



"UH, SORRY
THAT I HIT YOUR CAR.

UH, HERE'S MY NUMBER."

YES.
YES.

OKAY, IF I HAD TO STOP

AND LEAVE NOTES ON EVERYTHING
THAT I'VE BANGED INTO,

I WOULD
NEVER GET ANYWHERE.

COME ON, MANDY.
YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THAT.

W-WHAT'S YOUR DAD
ALWAYS GOING ON AND ON ABOUT?

MM, OBAMA, BENGHAZI,
"WHEN ARE THE YEKEKIANS

GOING TO TAKE DOWN
THEIR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS?"

PERSONAL
RESPONSIBILITY.

OH, RIGHT.

I THINK THAT PART KIND OF
GETS LOST IN ALL THE CRAZY.

HEY, HEY.
HI.



WHAT THE HECK
HAPPENED TO YOUR CAR?

[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU SHOULD SEE THE OTHER GUY.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]

THAT'S NOT A BOAST
YOU SHOULD MAKE TO THE GUY

PAYING
FOR YOUR INSURANCE.

SHE BUMPED A PARKED CAR.
BUT DON'T WORRY.

I DID THE RIGHT THING,
AND I LEFT A NOTE.
I LEFT A NOTE.

WHY ARE YOU
LEAVING THE NOTE?
HEY, WHAT'S THE DEAL

WITH THE YEKEKIANS AND THEIR
CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, THOUGH?

[ Chuckling ]
AM I RIGHT?

YEAH, I WAS TELLING HER,
HONEY,

OWNING UP TO YOUR MISTAKES
IS ITS OWN REWARD.

IT'S CALLED INTEGRITY.

IT'S SOMETHING OBAMA DOESN'T
HAVE WITH THAT BENGHAZI THING.
OKAY.

BUT STILL --
YOU KNOW -- YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHEN ARE THE YEKEKIANS
GONNA TAKE THOSE STUPID

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS DOWN?
I DON'T KNOW.

WHY IS EVE
WRITING NOTES FOR HER?

UH, MANDY WOULDN'T DO IT.
I'M SO DISAPPOINTED IN HER.

WELL, AT LEAST THE GOOD ONE
KNOWS RIGHT FROM WRONG.

OH. ALL OUR GIRLS
ARE EQUALLY GOOD.

OH, YEAH.
KEEP BEATING THAT DRUM.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

[ SIGHS ]

BAXTER.
HEY.

HEY,
WHAT ARE YOU BRINGING

THIS MANGY CRITTER
OVER HERE FOR?

LADY'S A PUREBRED
GERMAN SHEPHERD.

I WAS TALKING TO LADY.

Vanessa:
OH. COME ON.

SERIOUSLY, MIKE.
COME ON IN, CHUCK.

[ SIGHS ] OKAY.

WELL, WE CAN'T STAY LONG
BECAUSE...

[ SIGHS ]
...I DON'T WANT TO.

LISTEN, I WENT TO
THE BREEDERS TODAY,

AND A FUNNY THING --

IT TURNS OUT
LADY IS ALREADY PREGNANT.

NOW, HOW DO YOU THINK
THAT HAPPENED, BAXTER?

WELL, WHEN, UH...WHEN TWO DOGS
REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER...

...AND THEY HAVE
ENOUGH TEQUILA --

[ SIGHS ] I NEVER LEAVE HER
AROUND MALE DOGS.

THEN, I REMEMBER
WHEN EVE VOLUNTEERED

TO WATCH LADY
FOR THE WEEKEND.

YEAH.

THERE IS ONE DOG
SHE MIGHT HAVE HAD CONTACT WITH.

OH.
[ Chuckling ] OH.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO.

MUFFIN IS LESS A DOG
THAN A THROW PILLOW.

OH.

[ Chuckling ] AND, NUMBER TWO,
MUFFIN IS A GIRL.

UH, HONEY, YOU'RE --
YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

MUFFIN'S A MALE.

S-S-SINCE WHEN?

WELL --

YOU NEVER CHECKED YOUR DOG'S
UNDERCARRIAGE, BAXTER?

WE DON'T HAVE
THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP.

COME HERE. COME HERE.
COME HERE JUST FOR A SECOND.

LET ME SEE YOU.
[ SIGHS ]

IT'S MOSTLY FLUFF
DOWN THERE.

KIND OF LIKE
AN EARLY PENTHOUSE MAGAZINE.

YEAH, WELL, LOOK CLOSE.

THEY'RE A LOT TINIER
ON THE WHITE ONES.

I'LL BE DAMNED.

OH.
WELL, KIND OF MAKES ME
A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE

WITH ALL THE NAPS
WE'VE TAKEN TOGETHER.

I FEEL WEIRD
THAT YOU FEEL WEIRD ABOUT THAT.

HOW IS THAT DOG NOT FIXED,
BAXTER?

HAS SARAH McLACHLAN
TAUGHT YOU PEOPLE NOTHING?

WAIT -- THE -- HOLD --
LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU BROUGHT
A DOG IN HEAT

INTO A HOME
WITH A WELL-KNOWN PLAYER.

GIVE ME FIVE.

I ONLY ALLOW
LADY TO BREED

WITH OTHER PUREBRED
GERMAN SHEPHERDS.

WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TEACH
LADY HOW TO SAY, "NEIN!"

I GET LIKE $500 OR $600 APIECE
FOR LADY'S PUPS.

SWEET.
WHAT'S OUR CUT OF THAT?

NOBODY IS GONNA WANT
WHATEVER WEIRD MONSTER BABIES

COME OUT OF HER NOW!

HALF GERMAN SHEPHERD,
HALF...DUST BUNNY!

W-WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING
ON DOING ABOUT THIS, BAXTER?

ARE YOU
ABSOLUTELY SURE

SHE HASN'T BEEN
WITH ANY OTHER DOGS?

WHAT ARE YOU
SUGGESTING?

THAT LADY...IS A TRAMP.

WALK AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD
IN A FUR COAT WITH NO PANTS --

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
WAS GONNA HAPPEN?

WHAT DO YOU WANT, BAXTER,
A PATERNITY TEST?

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

MAYBE LATER ON,
MUFFIN AND I STOP BY YOUR HOUSE

AND DROP A DNA SAMPLE
ON YOUR FRONT LAWN.

-- Captions by VITAC --

I'M JUST
HAVING TROUBLE

PICTURING HOW THIS WAS POSSIBLE
BETWEEN MUFFIN AND LADY.

WELL, MUFFIN'S A RESOURCEFUL
LITTLE GUY, YOU KNOW?

MAYBE HE GOT UP
ON THE PICNIC TABLE.

WHICH I WILL NO LONGER
BE EATING OFF OF.

AND MAYBE THEY, UH,
DID IT "PEOPLE STYLE."

YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY?

WE GOT TO MAKE THIS RIGHT
WITH THE LARABEES.

CAROL IS MY CLOSEST FRIEND
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

THIS IS ON LADY
FOR NOT BEING CAREFUL.

BECAUSE, WHEN IT COMES
TO BIRTH CONTROL,

THE FEMALE BEARS
TOTAL RESPONSIBILITY.

WELL, IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO
BEAR PUPPIES, SHE DOES.

OH, MY GOD.
BEAR PUPPIES ARE SO CUTE.

[ LAUGHS ]

MUFFIN IS GONNA MAKE SUCH
A GREAT DAD. AREN'T YOU?

"HEY! YOU KIDS
KNOCK IT OFF BACK THERE,

"OR I'M GONNA
TURN THIS CAR RIGHT AROUND!

STOP!"

UH, SO, WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
WITH THE PUPPIES?

UH, WHAT PUPPIES?

OH, UH, MUFFIN KNOCKED UP
THE LARABEES' GERMAN SHEPHERD.

[ SIGHS ]
AND, LOOK,
DIDN'T SKIP TOWN.

BOYD, IT'S TIME FOR DINNER,
SWEETIE.

SO, MUFFIN IMPREGNATED A DOG
FOUR TIMES HIS SIZE?

TOM CRUISE
KNOCKED UP KATIE HOLMES.

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
[ CHUCKLES ]

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
MUFFIN WAS A MALE.

SEE? HE FOOLS EVERYBODY
WITH THAT SQUAT-AND-PEE THING.

WELL...
FIRST THING'S FIRST --

WE REALLY
SHOULD GET HIM NEUTERED.

TAKE HIS NUTS OFF?
OH, HONEY.

AFTER WHAT THOSE
LITTLE NUGGETS ACCOMPLISHED?

HEY. NOBODY ANSWERED ME. WHAT'S
GONNA HAPPEN WITH THE PUPPIES?

WELL [SIGHS] THE LARABEES
WILL PROBABLY TRY

TO FIND THEM GOOD HOMES.

WHICH WILL BE TRICKY

'CAUSE NOBODY REALLY WANTS
A MALTESE SHEPHERD.

A GERM-TESE.

MAL-- MALL-TURD?
[ CHUCKLES ]

OKAY, SO,
IF THEY CAN'T FIND HOMES...

WELL, IF THEY CAN'T
FIND HOMES,

THEN THEY'LL END UP
AT THE POUND,

AND THEY'LL PROBABLY
BE JUST DESTR--

H-HEY. HI. HEY.

UH, DID, UH --

MAYBE YOU SHOULD
WASH YOUR HANDS, HONEY.

YEAH.
I ALREADY WASHED THEM.

DID THOSE FINGERS END UP
IN YOUR NOSE SINCE THEN?

ONLY THESE TWO.
AAH.

GO, GO, GO.
WASH THEM AGAIN. LET'S GO.

[ SIGHS ]

THERE'S
VERY LITTLE CHANCE

THOSE PUPPIES
WILL END UP IN THE POUND.

OH. THAT'S A RELIEF.

HE'S JUST GONNA TERMINATE
THE PREGNANCY.

OH, DAD, WHAT?
OH, MIKE. COME ON.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS --
THEY'LL GET RID OF THE BABIES

SO SHE CAN GO THROUGH
ANOTHER BREEDING CYCLE.

THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENS,
GUYS.

WELL, WE CAN'T
LET HIM DO THAT.

DAD,
WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM.

DON'T WE HAVE ANY RIGHTS?
MUFFIN IS THE FATHER.

WAIT A MINUTE, ARE YOU SAYING
SOMEONE OTHER THAN THE MOTHER

HAS RIGHTS
DURING THE PREGNANCY?

"ONE OF MY PUPPIES
COULD GROW UP TO CURE CANCER!"

I AM JUST SAYING

THAT YOU AND CHUCK
SHOULD WORK SOMETHING OUT.

NO, NO. NO, NO.

THIS IS A CHOICE
BETWEEN LADY AND HER PHYSICIAN.

MAYBE SHE'S NOT READY
TO HAVE CHILDREN.

MAYBE THIS IS
AN INCONVENIENT TIME.

MAYBE SHE WANTS TO GO BACK
TO OBEDIENCE SCHOOL, YOU KNOW?

WHATEVER.

THE FATHER HAS NO RIGHTS
WHEN IT COMES TO PREGNANCY.

YEAH, BUT HE HAS PLENTY TO SAY
BEFORE THE PREGNANCY.

BY USING BIRTH CONTROL
OR SELF-CONTROL --

TWO THINGS
GUYS KIND OF STINK AT.
AMEN.

IT SOUNDS LIKE
SOMEONE'S TRYING

TO DITCH OUT ON
THEIR RESPONSIBILITIES, MIKE.

I DIDN'T
GET THE DOG PREGNANT.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW MUFFIN
HAD THE EQUIPMENT.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S PRAY.
WE EAT.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
SORRY.

PLEASE,
PUT THE PHONES DOWN.

[ INHALE SHARPLY ]
OH, NO. IT'S AN UNKNOWN NUMBER.

OH, I BET
IT'S THAT CAR YOU BUMPED.

MANDY, ANSWER IT.
YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM IT.

HI.
THIS IS MANDY BAXTER.

HEY, HEY, HEY.

SEE IF HE WANTS
A MONSTER PUPPY AS PAYMENT.

STOP.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

OH. HEY, CAROL.
IS CHUCK AROUND?

SORRY, MIKE.
HE'S NOT HERE.

OH, OKAY, WOULD YOU TELL HIM
THAT VANESSA AND I

FIGURED IT PROBABLY WAS MUFFIN
THAT GOT HIS FREAK ON WITH LADY?

OH, WELL,
LADY IS A BIG GIRL,

AND BY THAT I MEAN
SHE PROBABLY DIDN'T NOTICE.

UM, WELL,
W-WHATEVER THE COSTS,

W-WE'LL
SHARE THEM WITH YOU.
OKAY.

'CAUSE IT'S -- YOU KNOW, IT'S --
IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

FINE.
YOU'RE WELCOME.

I DIDN'T
SAY "THANK YOU."

I KNOW YOU DIDN'T,
BUT...YOU'RE WELCOME.

LISTEN.
[ CHUCKLES ]

I'LL TELL CHUCK.
I PROMISE.

BUT I'M NOT QUITE SURE
WHEN I'M GONNA SEE HIM AGAIN.

AH, DON'T WORRY.
I'M SURE HE'LL COME BACK.

DON'T LET
THE STATISTICS SCARE YOU.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THAT'S -- THAT'S A KIND
OF JOKE CHUCK ENJOYS.

MM.
HE REALLY DOESN'T.

BUT HE'S NOT HERE.
HE MOVED OUT.

OUT?

OUT --
ALMOST A WEEK AGO.

I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
I REALLY AM.

SO, UM,
IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING,

WHERE --
WHERE DID HE MOVE TO?

HE'S STAYING TEMPORARILY
OVER AT THE PINEWOOD,

THOSE FURNISHED APARTMENTS
YOU CAN RENT BY THE WEEK.

RI-- [ LAUGHS ]

IT'S FUNNY
'CAUSE A LOT OF GUYS

RENT THOSE BY THE BY THE HOUR
'CAUSE THE --

I DON'T -- I'M S-- I DON'T --
I DON'T -- I DON'T --

I DON'T THINK CHUCK
DID IT THAT WAY, THOUGH.

HEY.
HI.

SO...HOW PISSED
WAS THE GUY ABOUT HIS CAR.

DID HE YELL?
DID HE SLAP YOU?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

HE WAS ACTUALLY REALLY IMPRESSED
THAT I LEFT A NOTE.

BUTLEFT THE NOTE.

YEAH, IT TURNS OUT THAT HE OWNS
THAT ELECTRONICS STORE

WHERE WE PARKED,

AND HE SAID THAT MY HONESTY
RESTORED HIS FAITH IN HUMANITY.

AND THEN HE GATHERED
ALL OF HIS EMPLOYEES AROUND.

AND...THEY SLAPPED YOU?

THEY APPLAUDED ME.

AND THEN...

HE GAVE ME AN iPAD!

WHAT?
YEAH!

YEAH, HE SAID I SHOULD BE
REWARDED FOR MY INTEGRITY.

MM-HMM.
BUT IT'S MY INTEGRITY,
SO IT'S MY iPAD.

OOH, EVE, EVE, EVE.
NO.

JUST TRY
BEING A BETTER PERSON.

GOOD THINGS
WILL HAPPEN TO YOU, TOO.

[ SIGHS ]

HEY, HONEY?
YEAH?

GOOD NIGHT, GIRLS.
GOOD NIGHT.
Both: GOOD NIGHT.

YOU READY FOR BED?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I AM.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA
GET SOME CEREAL. I'LL BE UP.

OKAY.
OH, HEY. YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU NEVER TOLD ME
HOW THINGS WENT WITH CHUCK.

ARE YOU TWO, UH,
ALL BACK TO NORMAL?

IN THAT WE STILL
DISLIKE EACH OTHER?

THAT'S NEVER
GONNA CHANGE.

HE ACTUALLY
WASN'T THERE.

BUT, UH, CAROL GAVE ME
HIS NEW ADDRESS.

NEW ADDRESS?
WHAT NEW ADDRESS?

ARE THE LARABEES
MOVING?

JUST CHUCK.

WHAT?

HEY, ARE YOU TELLING ME
THAT CHUCK LEFT CAROL?

I DON'T KNOW.
WE -- WE DIDN'T GET INTO IT.

[ GASPS ] I --
[ SIGHS ] I'M SHOCKED.

YOU KNOW,
I'M NOT REALLY SHOCKED.

I THINK
SHE WOKE UP ONE DAY

AND WENT,
"DAMN, I'M MARRIED TO CHUCK?"

EITHER WAY, HONEY, THIS IS
NONE OF OUR BUSINESS, OKAY?

NO. NO. I JUST -- I CAN'T
BELIEVE SHE DIDN'T TELL ME.

I-I JUST SAW HER YESTERDAY,
AND SHE NEVER LET ON.

I GUESS IT'S TRUE --
BLACK DON'T CRACK.

THAT'S NOT
WHAT THAT MEANS.

I ASKED HER
IF SHE WAS OKAY,

AND SHE HAD THE NERVE
TO SAY "FINE."

BUT SHE IS FINE.
NO, SHE LIED
RIGHT TO MY FACE.

NO, SHE IS FINE.
NO.

SHE SAID "FINE" TO ME,
TOO.

YOU KNOW THAT FEELING
THAT WASHES OVER YOU

EVERY TIME
CHUCK LEAVES THE ROOM?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING TO SEE MY DEAR FRIEND
CAROL LARABEE.

YOU KNOW
WHAT TIME IT IS?

NO, I JUST
WANT TO MAKE SURE SHE'S OKAY

AND THAT SHE KNOWS
THAT I AM ALWAYS THERE FOR HER.

DON'T GO OVER THERE NOW!
THERE'S NO REASON TO --

SEE IF SHE'S GOT MILK.

AND, HEY,
WATCH YOUR STEP.

I MADE GOOD
ON THAT DNA PROMISE, TOO.

[ SIGHS ]

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

VANESSA?

OH, CAROL, HONEY,
MIKE TOLD ME ABOUT CHUCK.

YOU --
YOU MUST BE DEVASTATED.

YOU KNOW, I'M ACTUALLY
A VERY PRIVATE PERSON

WHEN IT COMES
TO THINGS LIKE THIS.

RIGHT. MM-HMM.
I'M HOPING
YOU'LL UNDERSTAND THAT.

BUT WE'RE FRIENDS.
I DIDN'T THINK YOU WOULD.

COME ON IN.

I KNOW, SWEETIE.
I-I-I HATE TO INTRUDE.

BUT HOW --
HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP?

THIS IS PROBABLY
THE WORST OF IT RIGHT HERE.

YEAH.

YEAH, LISTEN, CAROL,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND
TO BE STRONG FOR ME.

IF THERE'S ONE THING
I'VE LEARNED AS A MILITARY WIFE,

IT'S HOW TO GET ALONG
WITHOUT MY HUSBAND.

MM. YEAH.
AND, WITH ALL THAT
MOVING AROUND,

NOT TO GET TOO CLOSE
TO THE NEIGHBORS.

SO...

WELL, WAIT, LISTEN.

CAROL, I MEAN,
W-WHEN DID CHUCK LEAVE HOME?

A WEEK AGO.
WHAT?

A-A WEEK AGO? BUT --
BUT I JUST SAW YOU YESTERDAY.

WE WENT TO A MOVIE. WHY --
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THEN?

I DON'T TALK
IN MOVIE THEATERS.

I --
MOST OF US DON'T.

I KNOW, BUT --
TELL YOUR FRIENDS.

[ SIGHS ]

ALTHOUGH,
I DID AGREE WITH THAT WOMAN

WHO YELLED,
"WATCH OUT, GRAVITY!

DON'T LET GO
OF THAT SPACESHIP!"

I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT WE WERE --
WERE CLOSER THAN THAT.

WELL, IF YOU HAD ASKED ME ABOUT
CHUCK, I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.

WELL -- "ASKED YOU?"

WELL, CAROL, I-I-I CAN'T ASK YOU
ABOUT EVERY LITTLE THING.

I MEAN, I-I CAN'T
ASK YOU EVERY TIME I SEE YOU

IF YOU HAVE
SOME TERRIBLE DISEASE.

[ GASPS ]

PLEASE TELL ME YOU DON'T HAVE
A TERRIBLE DISEASE!

PLEASE.
[ LAUGHS ]

IF I DID,
WOULD YOU STOP YELLING AT ME?

OH, I AM SO SORRY.
I'M SO SORRY.

I'M SORRY, TOO. AW.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T KNOW
CHUCK AND ME HAVING A BIG FIGHT

WOULD CAUSE YOU
THIS MUCH PAIN.
NO, IT'S JUST -- NO.

OH.
[ Voice breaking ]
I JUST --

OH, I WANT TO BE THERE
FOR YOU, CAROL.

AND I JUST...I DON'T KNOW.
I WANT YOU TO WANT ME, TOO.

OH, COME ON, HONEY.

[ SOBBING ]
THERE, THERE.

OH, YOU GONNA
GET OVER THIS, GIRL.
OHH.

OH, THERE SHE IS,
MY GOOD SAMARITAN, MANDY.
HI.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

DON'T TELL ME --
YOU DENTED MY CAR AGAIN.

[ LAUGHS ]

BUT, OF COURSE,
YOU WOULD TELL ME

BECAUSE YOU'RE
SUCH AN HONEST PERSON.

AWW. YEAH, NO.
I WAS REALLY CAREFUL THIS TIME.

I JUST PARKED
IN THE HANDICAPPED SPOT.

OKAY.

SO, ARE YOU ENJOYING
YOUR iPAD?

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

WELL...I KIND OF THOUGHT
THAT IT'D HAVE, LIKE,

MORE GIGS AND MAYBE
THE RETINA DISPLAY,

SO I WAS HOPING THAT I COULD
JUST RETURN IT FOR CASH.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YEAH.

YOU DENT MY CAR.
MM-HMM.

AND I REWARD YOU
FOR YOUR HONESTY

BY GIVING YOU
A BEAUTIFUL GIFT.

YES,
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL --

BUT ALSO SORT OF,
LIKE, THE BASE MODEL.

AND NOW
YOU WANT TO RETURN IT TO ME

AND EXPECT ME
TO GIVE YOU CASH?

MM-HMM. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
THANK YOU.

HOW DARE YOU?!

OKAY, UM...STORE CREDIT
IS TOTALLY FINE.

ALTHOUGH, LIKE,
I'M NOT REALLY SEEING ANYTHING

THAT I LOVE, BUT...

YOU UNGRATEFUL
CRIMINAL.

WHAT?

EVERYONE, GATHER 'ROUND.
YOU REMEMBER MANDY.

[ APPLAUSE ]

NO CLAPPING!

SHE IS NO LONGER
OUR FRIEND.

SHE IS HERE TODAY
THROWING MY GIFT IN MY FACE

AND BREAKING MY HEART.

GIVE ME THAT.
NO.

NO GIFT FOR YOU.

HA. JOKE'S ON YOU BECAUSE
I DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE THAT NOTE.

MY SISTER DID.

OH, WELL, HA.

JOKE'S BACK ON YOU
BECAUSE I'M GONNA CALL

YOUR INSURANCE COMPANY
FOR THAT DENT.

OH, HA HA!

JOKE'S BACK ON YOU
BECAUSE THAT BILL

GOES STRAIGHT
TO MY DAD.

WELL, HA.

THE JOKE'S ON YOU BECAUSE
YOU'RE BEING TOWED RIGHT NOW.

SO MUCH FOR YOUR
NO-HASSLE RETURN POLICY.

DOC, I'LL BRING HIM OVER
RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, YEAH. THANKS.

[ SIGHS ]

LISTEN, I'M SORRY
IT'S COME TO THIS, MUFFIN.

I'LL GIVE YOU A FEW MINUTES
TO KISS THEM GOODBYE.

I'M GONNA HEAD OUT.
MM.

YOU GOING TO THE VET?

I CAN'T GET THIS OPERATION
OFF MY MIND.

TODAY, AT STARBUCKS,
I ORDERED A MUFFIN WITHOUT NUTS.

HONEY, HE'LL SLEEP,
AND WHEN HE WAKES UP,

HE WON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.

HE'S A GUY.
HE'LL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

IF IT HAPPENED TO ME,
I'D KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

IF IT HAPPENED TO YOU,
YOU'D HAVE TO FIGURE OUT

SOMETHING ELSE TO DO
WHILE YOU WATCH TV.

LISTEN.
[ SIGHS ]

CAN WE PLEASE
TALK ABOUT THE LARABEES?
THIS IS NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.

I TRIED TO GET CAROL
TO OPEN UP ABOUT IT, BUT --

BECAUSE IT'S NONE
OF OUR BUSINESS.

CHUCK'S RETIREMENT
IS THE PROBLEM.

SEE, HE'S AROUND ALL THE TIME
WITH NOTHING TO DO,

AND HE PRETENDS
IT DOESN'T AFFECT HIM,

BUT THE GUY FEELS LIKE
HE'S LOST HIS PURPOSE.

YOU SAID YOU COULDN'T
GET HER TO OPEN UP.

WELL --
I DON'T KNOW
THIS MUCH ABOUT JESUS,

AND I READ
THE WHOLE BOOK.

WELL...I HAD TO FILL IN
A LOT OF THE BLANKS.

LOOK, I KNOW CAROL
WELL ENOUGH TO KNOW

THAT HER PUSHING ME AWAY,
IT'S REALLY --

REALLY A PLEA FOR HELP.

OR A PLEA
FOR YOU TO GO AWAY!

WELL, YOU'LL TALK TO HIM,

AND YOU'LL GET
CHUCK'S SIDE OF THE STORY.

I DON'T WANT
CHUCK'S SIDE OF THE STORY!

WHY AM I INVOLVED
IN THIS?

LOOK, THE GUY IS LOST.

HE'S OVER THERE
BREEDING DOGS

BECAUSE CAROL TALKED HIM OUT
OF GETTING CHICKENS.

LISTEN,
YOU KNOW THE WON--

WONDERFUL THING
ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS?

THEY'RE OTHER PEOPLE'S
PROBLEMS.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

DO WHAT YOU WANT,
BUT THE GUY DESERVES OUR HELP.

HE'S A NEIGHBOR, HE'S A FRIEND,
AND HE'S A VET.

WELL, HE'S NOT THE
KIND OF VET THAT COULD
HELP ME OUT WITH MUFFIN.

I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

OH, COME ON.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
FIGURE OUT SOMETHING ELSE TO DO

WHEN YOU WATCH TV.

OKAY, LADY.

NOW,
I RAN OUT OF BROWN,

SO I'M GONNA HAVE TO
PAINT YOUR EYES GREEN!

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

OKAY, WELL, YOU JUST STAY THERE.
I'LL GET IT.

IF IT'S AN INTRUDER,
I'LL BITE HIM.

[ SIGHS ]

COME HERE.
BAX-- BAXTER?

HOLD ON A SECOND.
COME HERE!

COME HERE, YOU LITTLE HORN DOG!
THAT'S CAT, DAMN IT.

OH.
GEEZ.

DID YOU BRING HIM AROUND HERE
TO GLOAT?

NO, NO.
ON MY WAY TO GET HIM FIXED.

I FIGURED,
MAYBE FOR OLD TIME'S SAKES,

THAT LADY
WOULD TOSS HIM ONE.

[ GROANS ]
WE'RE NOT INTERESTED.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]
[ LADY WHINES ]

I SAID
WE'RE NOT INTERESTED.

ACTUALLY,
THE REASON I STOPPED BY --

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT CAROL TOLD YOU,

BUT I'M WILLING TO
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR THOSE PUPPIES.

OH.

I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO CAROL,
BUT, UH...BUT THANKS.

AND, UH...OH, WHEN YOU --
WHEN YOU SPOKE TO CAROL,

DID, UH -- DID SHE, UH --
DID SHE SEEM OKAY?

YEAH, I GUESS.
I DIDN'T TALK TO HER MUCH.

I TALKED TO HER BOYFRIEND.
MAN, HE CAN COOK.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HE WAS MAKING.

PAINTING THE DEN THERE.

PUTTING HIS FURNITURE IN IT.
[ LAUGHS ] OH, BAXTER.

I'D REALLY HOPED CAROL

WOULD GET CUSTODY OF YOU
IN THE BREAKUP.

YOU KNOW, I --
ENH-ENH!

OH, THAT --
MAN, THAT'S SOMETHING, HUH?

[ SIGHS ]

WHICH ONE OF YOU
PAINTED THIS?

IT'S --
IT'S A NEW HOBBY.

I'M NOT -- NOT REALLY GOOD
AT HOBBIES. [ SIGHS ]

NOT REALLY GOOD
AT PAINTING, EITHER.

CHUCK...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M TRYING
TO ENJOY MY RETIREMENT.

BUT MY WIFE THINKS
I NEED TO BE DOING STUFF.

I-I DON'T WANT TO --
I DON'T WANT TO

CLEAN RAIN GUTTERS OR --
OR BUILD SHELVES

OR PLANT HER
A LITTLE PATCH OF OREGANO.

I DO NOT LIKE OREGANO!

IF YOU GARDEN
LIKE YOU PAINT,

YOU WON'T
HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.

THE WOMAN WON'T ACCEPT
THAT I JUST LIKE TO DO NOTHING.

IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.

I MEAN,
YOU ARE IN YOUR LATE 40s.

THAT'S GENERALLY THE TIME
THAT MEN JUST SIT BACK

AND WAIT TO DIE.

SOMETIMES, DEATH CAN JUST
SPRING UP ON A MAN,

LIKE WHEN
HE'S BOTHERING A MARINE.

LISTEN, I GET IT.

I GET WHAT IT'S LIKE
COMING HOME.

I WAS ON THE ROAD
FOR EIGHT YEARS OF MY MARRIAGE

SHOOTING PICTURES
FOR OUTDOOR MAN.

WELL, UNLESS THOSE PICTURES
WERE SHOOTING BACK,

IT'S NOT REALLY
THE SAME THING.

I'M TALKING ABOUT
WHEN I GOT HIM,

MY WIFE HAD ALL SORTS OF IDEAS
HOW I SHOULD SPEND MY TIME.

[ SIGHS ]

DIDN'T LIKE IT, BUT, I MEAN,
I DIDN'T JUST BAIL OUT.

[ SIGHS ] WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO SAY, BAXTER?

THAT ALL I'VE EVER DONE
IS SERVE MY COUNTRY,

AND WITHOUT IT I'M LOST?

THAT MY WHOLE IDENTITY
WAS TIED UP WITH BEING A MARINE,

AND NOW I DON'T KNOW
WHO I AM?

OR -- OR -- OR --
OH, I-I'M AFRAID.

OH, YEAH, NOW, THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT.

I'M AFRAID TO TAKE
THE NEXT STEP IN MY LIFE

BECAUSE WHAT IF
I TRY SOMETHING NEW AND I FAIL?

UH...EXHIBIT "A."

I RAN OUT OF BROWN!

LOOK, I-I GOT HOME,

AND I HAD TO FIGURE OUT A WAY
TO REINVENT MYSELF.

YOU GOT TO
REINVENT YOURSELF.

[ SIGHS ]
I GET IT, BAXTER.

NO, BUT YOU CAN'T
DO IT ALONE.

YOU GOT TO
REINVENT YOURSELF AROUND THE --

THE NEW PLATOON
YOU GOT TO SPEND TIME WITH.

IT'S YOUR WIFE AND KID.

YOU GOT TO GO HOME,
MAN.

[ SIGHS ]

YOU'RE WELCOME.

I DIDN'T
SAY "THANK YOU."

IT'S TIME
TO GO GET SNIPPED.

I'M GONNA PUT THEM
ON A KEY CHAIN.

YOU COULD HAVE JUST SAID
YOU MISSED ME, BAXTER.

YEAH, I COULD HAVE.

LISTEN, YOU MIGHT WANT TO
GIVE CAROL A COURTESY CALL

IN CASE SOMEONE'S THERE
PLANTING HER OREGANO.

[ LAUGHS ]
[ DOOR CLOSES ]

HI, THERE.

MIKE "THE MOOSE" BAXTER HERE
FOR OUTDOOR MAN.

[ HOWLS ]

ANNOUNCING OUR FIRST ANNUAL
MARRIAGE-SAVER SALE.

20% OFF EVERYTHING

WE SELL DESIGNED TO HELP YOU
SPEND TIME AWAY FROM HOME...

WHICH IS PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING
WE SELL HERE AT OUTDOOR MAN.

BECAUSE NOTHING
IS BETTER FOR A MARRIAGE

THAN NOT BEING AROUND EACH OTHER
ALL THE TIME.

ASK A MAN WHY HE GOES TO WORK.
HE'LL SAY, "TO EARN A LIVING."

BUT COME ON --
WITH THE INTERNET, THESE DAYS,

MOST JOBS COULD BE DONE AT HOME
RIGHT NEXT TO THE LITTLE LADY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

"WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON?
WANT TO GET SOME LUNCH?

"SINCE YOU'RE HERE,

"CAN YOU FIX THAT THING
THAT ISN'T REALLY BROKEN

THAT I JUST DON'T KNOW
HOW TO USE?"

LISTEN, WE ALL KNOW THE GUY
WHO WORKED FOR 50 YEARS,

RETIRED, CAME HOME,
AND DIED A FEW WEEKS LATER.

AND PEOPLE SAY,
"HE WORKED HIMSELF TO DEATH."

I DON'T KNOW.

HE WAS FINE WHEN HE WAS WORKING.

SOUNDS LIKE THE DUDE CAME HOME,
AND THAT KILLED HIM.

COME ON.

THE ONLY WAY TO BE MISSED
IS TO BE GONE SOMETIMES.

WE'VE GOT EXPLORER-MODEL
BACKPACKS ON SALE NOW

FROM 25% TO 35% OFF.

BE SURE TO BE GONE LONG ENOUGH
THAT SHE STARTS TO ACTUALLY SAY,

"YOU KNOW,
HE DOESN'T SMELL THAT BAD."

SO, PICK UP ONE OF THESE
AND TAKE A HIKE

BEFORE THE WIFE TELLS YOU TO.