Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 15 - Tasers - full transcript

"LAST MAN STANDING"
IS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY,
SWEETIE.
MORNING. YEAH, YEAH.

LISTEN, I MADE YOU
A WAFFLE SANDWICH

WITH BACON AND SAUSAGE
FOR THE ROAD.

WOW. I HAVE DIED
AND GONE TO HEAVEN.
[ CHUCKLES ]

AT LEAST I WILL
IF I KEEP EATING LIKE THIS.

ALMOST AS SWEET
AS WHAT I GOT YOU.

OH, MIKE, SERIOUSLY?

VERY GOOD, DAD.
NICE TO SEE YOU STEPPING UP.

OH, THAT'S NOT
FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.



I DON'T BELIEVE
IN VALENTINE'S DAY.

YEAH, WE KNOW.
WE KNOW. [ CHUCKLES ]

IT'S A FAKE HOLIDAY.
INVENTED BY...?

THE FLOWER
AND GREETING-CARD CARTEL.

JUST LIKE THE FAKE HOLIDAY
ST. PATTY'S DAY,

INVENTED BY THE PEOPLE

THAT MAKE THAT SAWDUST
THAT SOAKS UP VOMIT.

[ IMITATES FANFARE ]

A STUN GUN?

UNBELIEVABLE!

NOT JUST A STUN GUN --
A GREAT ONE.

THAT THING
WILL TAKE DOWN A MOOSE.

PROBABLY ONLY FOR,
LIKE, 5 SECONDS.

THEN HE'D GET UP, BE KIND OF
PISSED, AND CHARGE YOU.



SO IT'S NOT ACTUALLY
FOR A MOOSE.

YOU WANT TO TRY IT OUT?

YEAH, I KIND OF DO.

YOU GOT YOUR WIFE A TASER
FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?

IT'S NOT
FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.

YEAH, IT'S ALSO
NOT ROMANTIC.

I GOT HER SOMETHING TO PROTECT
HER WHEN I'M NOT AROUND.

THERE'S NOTHING
MORE ROMANTIC THAN THAT.

THIS IS WAY MORE ROMANTIC

THAN STUPID, OLD PERFUME
OR JEWELRY...

JEWELRY IS JUST
A MUGGER MAGNET, HONEY.

I MIGHT AS WELL SEND YOU OUT
ON THE SERENGETI

IN A SUNDRESS
MADE OF MEAT.

THANKS FOR MY TASER.
IT'S STUNNING!

BOYD, WHAT DO WE SAY
ABOUT PUNS?

LOWEST FORM OF COMEDY.

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,
STILL MR. ROMANCE, HUH?

YES.
[ CHUCKLES ]

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
CAN SOMEBODY
GET THAT?!

YOU KNOW,
IT'S OKAY, HONEY.

I'M USED TO YOUR FATHER'S
PRACTICAL GIFTS.

I ACTUALLY LIKED THE COIN SORTER
HE GOT ME LAST YEAR.

YEAH, BUT ONCE IN A WHILE,
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT

TO GET SOMETHING
PERSONAL AND FRIVOLOUS?

[ DOORBELL RINGING ]

IS ANYBODY
GONNA GET THE DOOR?!

I WAS
FIXING BREAKFAST!

I WAS FIXING THIS!

I WAS FIXING
TO GET THE DOOR,

BUT I FIGURED
SOMEBODY ELSE WOULD.

OOH! WOW.

OH, HEY!
KYLE GOT ME FLOWERS!

Vanessa:
THERE'S NO CARD.

WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT
FORGETS THE CARD?

HEY,
KYLE GOT MANDY FLOWERS.

NO, WE DON'T KNOW THAT.
THEY COULD BE FOR ANYBODY.

GOSH, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.
[ SNIFFS ]

WELL, WE KNOW
THEY'RE NOT FOR EVE.
AND WHY NOT?

GUYS DON'T USUALLY SEND FLOWERS
TO GIRLS THEY'RE AFRAID OF.

THEY DO IF THEY KNOW
WHAT'S GOOD FOR 'EM.

AND WE KNOW
DAD DIDN'T BUY THEM FOR MOM.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
FINE, RUB IT IN.

BUT GOOD LUCK
TO YOU LOVEBIRDS

WHEN YOU'RE TRYING
TO SORT COINS BY HAND.

ERGO, SINCE YOU
DON'T EVEN LIVE HERE,

THESE BABIES GOT TO BE
FOR MOI.

SERIOUSLY,
YOU THINK KYLE

WOULD SPEND
HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS ON ROSES?

HE SPENT $200 ON A DATE ONCE,
AND DINNER ONLY COST $20,

BUT HE WAS
REALLY DETERMINED

TO GET ME THAT RASTA-BANANA
OUT OF THE CLAW MACHINE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
NO, NO, NO.

NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,

I THINK THAT THESE FLOWERS
MIGHT BE FOR ME.

KRIS,
YOU LIVE WITH RYAN.

WHY WOULD HE
SEND FLOWERS HERE?

NO, HE DIDN'T,
AND RYAN ALREADY GAVE ME

MY PRESENT THIS MORNING.
[ CHUCKLES ]

[ GROANS ]
GROSS.

AND A SINGLE RED ROSE
ON MY PILLOW.

GROSS AND CHEAP.

ACTUALLY, I THINK THESE FLOWERS
MIGHT BE FROM MY BOSS.

THE SUCCESSFUL AND DREAMY
JOHN BAKER.

MM-HMM. I'D HIT THAT.

OH,
IT'S AN EXPRESSION.

IT JUST MEANS
I'D HAVE SEX WITH HIM.

YEAH, OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
UH, HONEY, LISTEN.

IS -- IS THERE
SOMETHING GOING ON

BETWEEN
YOU AND JOHN BAKER?

NO, NO, NO, BUT I JUST THINK
HE'S REALLY HUNG UP ON ME,

AND IT WOULD BE
SO HIS STYLE

TO SEND FLOWERS HERE
ANONYMOUSLY.

WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE

SOMEBODY HAS A PRETTY HIGH
OPINION OF HERSELF,

WHICH IS
A VERY UNFLATTERING TRAIT.

PLUS, IT'S KIND OF MY THING.
OKAY, COOL IT.

JOHN'S BEEN
REALLY ATTENTIVE LATELY.

HE'S BEEN WALKING ME
TO MY CAR EVERY NIGHT.

YEAH, BUT --
BUT YOU ARE CARRYING

THE BANK DEPOSIT
FOR THE RESTAURANT.

MAYBE HE'S BEING ATTENTIVE
TO HIS MONEY.

HUH. SNAP.
VALENTINE'S BURN, MOM.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S IT.

ALL THIS TALK
ABOUT THESE STUPID FLOWERS --

I WANT IN ON SOME
OF THIS VALENTINE'S SWAG.

I THINK IT'S TIME
FOR ME TO GO OUT

AND GET MYSELF
A REAL BOYFRIEND.

IT'S NOT LIKE GOING TO THE POUND
AND PICKING OUT A PUPPY.

YOU KIDDING?

I'LL HAVE THIS LOCKED DOWN
BY DINNER.

I'D BE VERY AFRAID TO BE
A TEENAGE BOY RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

-- Captions by VITAC --

HEY, MIKE BAXTER HERE
FOR OUTDOOR MAN

WITH A FEW WORDS
ABOUT VALENTINE'S DAY --

PHONY, STUPID CON GAME.

YOU KNOW,
I DON'T KNOW WHO'S DUMBER --

THE WOMEN WHO ARE CHARMED
BY A MANDATORY ROMANTIC GESTURE

OR THE MEN
WHO SHELL OUT BIG BUCKS

FOR PRETTY MUCH A FAKE HOLIDAY.

AS A PROTEST,
OUTDOOR MAN IS HAVING

A VALENTINE'S DAY NON-SALE.

NOT ONLY WILL NOTHING
BE DISCOUNTED,

WE'LL ACTUALLY BE CHARGING MORE
FOR ANYTHING WE THINK

YOU MIGHT BE GIVING YOUR LADY
AS A GIFT.

CHECK OUT THESE POLYESTER
FUR-LINED GLOVES, NORMALLY $50.

TODAY ONLY -- $1,200.

SURPRISE IS THE KEY
TO KEEPING ROMANCE ALIVE.

AND NOTHING WILL SURPRISE
THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE MORE

ON VALENTINE'S DAY
THAN GETTING NOTHING.

HEY. HAPPY VALENTINE'S,
SWEETIE!

AWW, THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR THAT HUGE BOUQUET OF ROSES
YOU SENT ME!

OH, MY GOD!
YOU WOULD BE SO WELCOME...

...YOU KNOW,
IF I HAD ACTUALLY DONE THAT.

OH, SO THEY WERE
FOR KRISTIN.

NO, WHY WOULD I
SEND KRISTIN FLOWERS?

[ Laughing ] YOU'RE NOT
MAKING ANY SENSE, MANDY.

I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR PRESENT
WHEN I SEE YOU TONIGHT.

OKAY, AND I'LL GIVE YOU
YOURS TONIGHT.

OOH.
I HOPE IT'S SOCKS.

BYE.
[ Smooches ]

[ CHUCKLES ]
AH, YOUNG LOVE --
SO INSPIRING,

AND SO MUCH MORE PHOTOGENIC
THAN OLD LOVE.

IF YOU DON'T MIND
MY ASKING,

WHAT DID YOU
GIVE MANDY, HMM?

OH, NO, I DON'T MIND.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]
I MADE THIS FOR HER.

IS THAT IVORY?

IRISH SPRING, ACTUALLY.

MM!

I CARVED IT OUT OF SOAP.

REALLY? WELL, I LIKE IT!

[ Irish accent ]
AND I LIKE IT, TOO!

VERY IMPRESSIVE HANDIWORK
HERE.

IT'S MANDY'S FAVORITE BIRD,
THE MOUNTAIN BLUEBIRD.
OH. AH. UH-HUH.

WE SAW ONE
IN THE PARK ONE DAY,

AND THEN WE SAW ONE
THE NEXT DAY,

AND SO NOW SHE THINKS
THEY'RE OUR GUARDIAN ANGEL.

I THINK
THEY LIVE IN THE PARK.

HERE.

ARE -- ARE -- ARE YOU CERTAIN
THAT -- THAT MANDY'S

THE KIND OF GIRL WHO'S GONNA BE
HAPPY WITH A SOAP BIRD?

I HOPE SO.
THAT'S ALL I CAN AFFORD.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T EXACTLY
MAKE A LOT OF MONEY HERE.

YEAH, I KNOW.
IT'S ROUGH.

I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING
I COULD DO.

GOOD LUCK.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

Mike: YEAH.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]
YEAH, MIKE.

I SAW YOUR VALENTINE'S VLOG,
MIKEY.

[ GRUNTS ]

"LADIES LOVE COOL J,"

BUT THEY'RE ABOUT TO
GO "GANGSTA" ON MIKE "BAXTA"!

I THINK
THAT VALENTINE'S DAY

TAKES THE SPONTANEITY
OUT OF LOVE.

WHEN I GIVE VANESSA
A SURPRISE ROMANTIC GESTURE,

SHE KNOWS IT'S AUTHENTIC.

WHEN WAS YOUR LAST
SURPRISE ROMANTIC GESTURE?

I SENT HER A LITTLE ARRANGEMENT
OF ROSES JUST TODAY.

I'M -- I'M -- I'M --
I'M CONFUSED NOW.

YOU DON'T CELEBRATE
VALENTINE'S DAY.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT
A SURPRISE!

SHE'S NOT EXPECTING IT.

BECAUSE YOU DON'T CELEBRATE
VALENTINE'S DAY.
EXACTLY.

MAKING IT...A SURPRISE.

TODAY'S VALENTINE'S DAY.
EVERYBODY SENDS FLOWERS.

I DON'T.

THUS...THE SURPRISE.

[ SIGHS ]
OKAY. COME ON. ALL RIGHT.

LET -- LET ME FOLLOW THIS.
ALL RIGHT.

NOW, FOR 25 YEARS, YOU'VE BEEN
CRAPPING ON VALENTINE'S DAY

BECAUSE
IT'S NOT SPONTANEOUS.

THIS YEAR, YOU BUY HER FLOWERS,
THUS MAKING IT SPONTANEOUS.

LISTEN TO ME.

I'M THE ONLY GUY
ON THE PLANET

THAT CAN SURPRISE HIS WIFE
WITH FLOWERS...

ON VALENTINE'S DAY.

IT'S INGENIOUS!

GENTLEMEN,
I'VE INVITED YOU HERE TODAY

BECAUSE I'VE DECIDED
IT'S TIME FOR ME

TO HAVE
A REAL BOYFRIEND.

UM, I-I-I GOT A NOTE
TO COME HERE.

GRAB SOME CHAIR,
JUSTIN.

1400 HOURS
DOESN'T MEAN 1401.

I'M HERE TO CONGRATULATE
THE THREE OF YOU

ON BEING FINALISTS

FOR THE POSITION
OF EVE'S BOYFRIEND.

[ LAUGHS ]
ALL RIGHT!

WHEN I LOOK
AROUND THIS ROOM,

IT'S AN HONOR
JUST BEING NOMINATED.

WAIT. THIS SAYS
THE PRINCIPAL WANTED TO SEE ME.

DID YOU STEAL THIS
FROM HIS OFFICE?

I'LL ASK
THE QUESTIONS HERE.

LOOK, I KNOW
ALL THREE OF YOU LIKE ME, BUT --

[ CLEARS THROAT ]
UH, FOR THE RECORD,

I'VE LIKED YOU SINCE
THIRD GRADE, AND I CAN PROVE IT!

I KEEP A PRETTY DETAILED DIARY.

YEAH, AND, UH,
FOR THE RECORD...

BOOM.

AND FOR THE RECORD,
MATT ALREADY HAS A GIRLFRIEND.

EVE WOULD BE
A TOTAL UPGRADE.

SHE'S PRETTY HOT
FOR A JOCK CHICK.

ENOUGH OF THE CHITCHAT,
LADIES.

WE ONLY GOT AN HOUR HERE.

THERE'S GOING TO BE
A MULTIPLE-CHOICE QUIZ,

A FITNESS TEST,
AND A SHORT ESSAY ON THE TOPIC

"EVE --
SMART GIRL WHO'S PRETTY

OR PRETTY GIRL
WHO'S SMART?"

OR PRETTY GIRL
WHO'S LOST HER MIND.

LOOK, EVE.

I LIKE YOU, OKAY?

AND IF YOU WANT TO
GO OUT SOMETIME,

THEN YOU KNOW
WHERE TO FIND ME.

BUT I'M NOT GONNA
JUMP THROUGH HOOPS FOR YOU.

W-- HEY, WAIT.

[ Chuckling ]
YOU CAN OPT OUT ON THE HOOPS

AND JUST DO THE ROPE CLIMB,
I MEAN...

UGH.

SO, WE ARE COMPLETELY BOOKED
FOR TONIGHT.

YEAH?

I BET YOU WISH EVERY DAY
WAS VALENTINE'S DAY.

UH, NO.

I'D GO BROKE BUYING GIFTS
FOR MY VALENTINE.

UH, A-ABOUT THAT.

THAT WAS THE BIGGEST BOUQUET
I HAVE EVER SEEN. [ CHUCKLES ]

HUH?

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME SAY IT,
AREN'T YOU? UH --

LOOK, UH, I TH-THINK
YOU'RE A REALLY GREAT GUY.

THANKS! I'M GLAD
I COULD PULL THAT OUT OF YOU.

BUT YOU HAVE TO KNOW HOW HAPPY
I AM WITH RYAN RIGHT NOW.

KRIS, I THINK
THERE'S BEEN A MISUNDERSTANDING.

AM I MISUNDERSTANDING
YOU WALKING ME

TO MY CAR EVERY NIGHT?

YOU CARRY
THE BANK DEPOSIT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

OBVIOUSLY,
IT'S VERY FLATTERING

THAT YOU'RE STILL
SO INTO ME, BUT...

YOU NEED TO MOVE ON.

[ SIGHS ] I'M GETTING
SO MANY COMPLIMENTS

ON MY NEW BRACELET,
JOHNNY!

MM.

ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?

OH, WOW! THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL,
RACHEL! [ CHUCKLES ]

Yes. Oh, my God.

YOU DID KNOW THAT RACHEL AND I
WERE A THING, RIGHT?

OF COURSE!

I AM THE ASSISTANT MANAGER
AROUND HERE.

I AM ON TOP OF EVERYTHING.
[ CHUCKLES ]

HEY.
HEY.

WELL, DON'T EVEN THINK
ABOUT COOKING DINNER,

BECAUSE
I BROUGHT IT HOME.

THAT IS SWEET,
BECAUSE I AM EXHAUSTED.

HOT DOGS?!

YEAH!

I SAW THIS GUY ON YouTube
COOK THESE BY TASERING THEM.

THEN,
IF IT STOPS RAINING,

WE CAN GO OUT AND SEE IF
WE CAN BLOW UP THIS WATERMELON.

AND THEY SAY EVERY LOVE STORY'S
ALREADY BEEN TOLD.

LISTEN,
UH, HONEY, I'M SORRY,

BUT, UH,
I GAVE THE TASER AWAY.

WHY WOULD YOU GIVE AWAY
MY GIFT?

IT'S [CHUCKLES]
NOT LIKE IT WAS

SOME KIND OF SPECIAL
VALENTINE'S DAY PRESENT.

I GAVE IT TO KRISTIN.

I MEAN,
WE COULD BOIL THESE HOT DOGS,

BUT NO ONE'S GONNA WATCH THAT
ON YouTube.

[ Chuckling ] HEY!
SOME BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS THERE.

SOMEBODY
MUST BE EXCITED...

AND APPRECIATIVE.

THERE WAS NO CARD.
WHAT?

I KNOW WE DON'T DO
VALENTINE'S DAY,

BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU,
WHEN THESE ARRIVED,

IT WAS A LITTLE LIKE
RUBBING SALT IN A WOUND.

AND LEMON.

AND ALCOHOL.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY
"MARGARITA"?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED TO THE CARD, HONEY.

I SENT YOU
THOSE FLOWERS.

[ LAUGHING ]

OKAY.

HONEY,
I SENT THOSE FLOWERS!

HONEY, STOP!
IT'S OKAY!

I GOT A -- I TELL YOU --
I TELL YOU, I GOT A RECEIPT!

LET ME SHOW YOU!
I GOT A RECEIPT.

YEAH, FOR 25 YEARS,
I KNOW THE GUY I MARRIED!

RIGHT THERE --
I GOT A RECEIPT.

IT SAYS RIGHT THERE,
"STUN GUN."

NO. HEY!

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

YOU SEND FLOWERS,
YOU LOSE THE CARD?

WHAT'S UP?

HEY, MR. B.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

YEAH. IT'S COLD,
AND YOU'RE ALL WET!

YEAH, IT'S FREEZING.

YEAH. GEE.
MANDY, KYLE'S HERE!

HEY, YOU SURE
IT'S NOT FOR ME?

I JUST SAID,
"KYLE WAS HERE."

IT'S KYLE?
WHY DIDN'T YOU LET HIM IN?!

IT'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND.

I GOT MY OWN
BALL AND CHAIN TO DEAL WITH.

HI.

OH, MY GOD. THIS IS JUST LIKE
IN "THE NOTEBOOK"!

HEY.
[ SIGHS ]

I JUST WANT TO LEAP IN YOUR ARMS
AND CLOSE MY EYES

AND PRETEND
YOU'RE RYAN GOSLING.

WAIT.

I GOT YOU SOMETHING BETTER
THAN A GOSLING.

[ SQUEALS ]

IT'S A MOUNTAIN BLUEBIRD.

IT IS?

YEAH, I, UH --
I-I CARVED IT OUT OF SOAP.

OH!

IS THE BIRD
UNDERNEATH THE BUBBLES?

UH, I THINK THE BIRD
IS THE BUBBLES.

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
A BLUEBIRD -- YOU KNOW,

LIKE THE ONE FROM THE PARK,
OUR GUARDIAN ANGEL.

THAT IS SO LAME!

NO. NO, THAT ACTUALLY TOOK
A LOT OF THOUGHT.

FOLLOWED IMMEDIATELY
BY COMPLETE ABSENCE OF THOUGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S ACTUALLY
THE PERFECT GIFT.

I WOULD RATHER HAVE
A BOYFRIEND WHO LISTENS TO ME

AND MAKES ME A HEARTFELT GIFT
INSTEAD OF GOING INTO DEBT

BUYING SOMETHING
EXPENSIVE AND STUPID.

AM I THE ONLY ONE
WHO GETS THIS HOLIDAY?

[ DOORBELL RINGING ]

I'LL GET IT!

[ SIGHS ]

HI, EVE.

WOW. TRUFFLES. NICE.

[ Chuckling ] SURE BEATS
A BIRD MADE OUT OF SOAP.

UH, SIT THERE AND DON'T PUT
YOUR FEET ON ANYTHING.

HEY, EVIE.
UH, WHO'S THIS?

OH, THIS IS
MY NEW BOYFRIEND, ANDREW --

BUT BY A NARROW MARGIN.

COULD HAVE GONE EITHER WAY.
[ SIGHS ]

HELLO, ANDREW.

HELLO, MRS. BAXTER.
YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOME.

OH, THANK YOU.

HE'S POLITE
AND WRITES A STRONG ESSAY.

BUT HE'S NO ARM WRESTLER,
I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

I HAVE CARPAL TUNNEL.

MAKING EXCUSES?
NOT A GOOD COLOR ON YOU, ANDREW.

GOT TO HAND IT
TO YOU, EVE.

YOU ACTUALLY BROUGHT HOME
A BOYFRIEND FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.

YEAH. SAID I WOULD.
AND I DON'T MESS AROUND.

YOU KNOW,
THAT'S ANOTHER THING --

I DON'T MESS AROUND.

I'M GONNA GO GET
A SODA.

"CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING,
ANDREW?!"

OH, HE'S FINE.

HE'S GOT TO GET US
RESERVATIONS SOMEWHERE.

LAST-MINUTE
ON VALENTINE'S DAY.

[ Chuckling ] WE'LL SEE WHAT
KIND OF JUICE THIS KID'S GOT.

HEY, RYAN. SQUIRT.

HEY. HAVING
A GOOD VALENTINE'S DAY?

OH, YEAH. MY BOYFRIEND'S
TAKING ME OUT TONIGHT.

UH,
HE'S IN THE LIVING ROOM

IF YOU WANT TO GO
TAKE A LOOK AT HIM.

I WANT TO TAKE A LOOK
AT HIM!

[ CHUCKLES ]
WHERE YOU TAKING KRIS TONIGHT?

AH,
KRIS IS WORKING TONIGHT.

HUH. MM.
AND YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT?

UH, YEAH!
WHY WOULDN'T I BE?

UH, WELL, APPARENTLY,
THAT JOHN BAKER GUY'S INTO HER.

HE WANTS TO "HIT THAT."

IT'S AN EXPRESSION.
YOU KNOW, IT MEANS THAT HE --

YEAH,
I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

HE GOT HER
THAT BIG-ASS BOUQUET IN THERE.

JOHN REALLY
SENT HER THOSE?

YEAH. HE WALKS HER
TO HER CAR EVERY NIGHT, TOO.

[ Chuckling ]
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW,

SO I KNOW
HOW THESE ANIMALS OPERATE.

HI, RYAN.

OH, HEY.

YEAH, UH, I'LL -- I'LL BE BACK
LATER TO PICK UP BOYD.

OH, YEAH, NO PROBLEM.
GOT NO SPECIAL PLANS.

I'LL JUST BE HERE
SORTING COINS.

Eve:
BEAT IT, PIP-SQUEAK!

SO...
[ SIGHS ]

HOW DID YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS
FIND EACH OTHER?

RAN A COUPLE OF GUYS
THROUGH A MAZE,

AND, UH, HE'S THE ONE
THAT GOT THE CHEESE!

HMM. CHEESE.

HEY, UH, ANDREW,
COULD YOU GO GET ME A SNACK?

CHEESE, ON CRACKERS -- THE ROUND
ONES, NOT THE SALTINES?

OH.

WOW. NICE CATCH.

THOUGHT YOU WANTED A BOYFRIEND,
NOT A BUTLER.

IT'S LOVE, MOM.
HE'S ALL THINGS TO ME.

I'M JUST WONDERING,
LONG TERM,

HOW HAPPY YOU'RE GOING TO BE
WITH A GUY

WHO DOES EVERYTHING
YOU TELL HIM TO.

WELL, SO FAR,
I'VE KIND OF ENJOYED IT.

I MEAN...THE GUY GOT ME CANDY
ON VALENTINE'S DAY.

DAD GOT YOU A TASER.

NO, YOUR FATHER
IS ROMANTIC.

IT'S JUST...HE SHOWS HIS LOVE
IN WAYS THAT -- THAT --

THAT DON'T...
LOOK ANYTHING LIKE LOVE.

MOM,
COME ON. I-I-I SAW.

YOU WERE DISAPPOINTED WHEN
THESE FLOWERS WEREN'T FOR YOU.

[ SCOFFS ]
I MEAN, I -- SURE, YEAH.

I MEAN, I -- THERE'S
A PART OF ME THAT WISHES

YOUR FATHER WOULD DO
WHAT'S PREDICTABLE AND EXPECTED,

LIKE --
LIKE VALENTINE'S DAY FLOWERS,

BUT...HONEY,
I AM SO MUCH HAPPIER

BEING WITH A GUY
WHO DOESN'T JUMP THROUGH HOOPS

JUST BECAUSE SOMEBODY
INVENTED A HOLIDAY!

HMM.

OKAY!

I'VE ARRANGED THE CRACKERS
INTO A HEART,

AND THE CHEESE...
IS THE ARROW.

ANDREW...

WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN HONEST
WITH EACH OTHER, YOU KNOW?

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]
YEAH, IT'S OVER.

I SHOULD HAVE
SEEN THIS COMING.

I GUESS
I WAS JUST HOPING --

LET'S NOT
DRAW THIS OUT.

RIGHT. [ SIGHS ]

WELL, YOU KNOW, AT LEAST
YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE KIDS.

THAT'S WHERE THESE BREAKUPS
GET MESSY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

HEY, UH, CAN I USE YOU AS A
REFERRAL FOR MY NEXT GIRLFRIEND?

SURE.

CAN I SAY WE WENT ON
AN ACTUAL DATE?

[ SIGHS ] FINE.

CAN I SAY WE MADE OUT?

UH, NO!

AND YOU JUST LOST
YOUR REFERRAL!

HEY, IT WAS NICE
MEETING YOU, ANDREW.

OH, AND I STILL NEED YOU
TO PROOF MY HISTORY PAPER!

OH, WAIT, UH, MRS. BAXTER,

I FOUND THIS
IN YOUR BUSHES.

OH. THANKS.

WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT?

UH, EVE'S...

EX-BOYFRIEND, UH,
JUST...

FOUND THE...THE CARD
FOR THE FLOWERS. UH...

INTERESTING.

YEAH. IT SAYS,
"TO VANESSA."

HUH.

AND, UM...UH, LOOK. THERE'S,
UH -- THERE'S A MESSAGE.

MAYBE I HAVE SOME ROMANCE
LEFT IN ME, HUH?

"TO VANESSA.

BET YOU DIDN'T SEE
THIS COMING."

"HA!"

"IN YOUR FACE."

"LOVE, MIKE."

[ Voice breaking ]
MIKE...
[ CHUCKLES ]

...THANK YOU!

HAPPY FEBRUARY 14th!

YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT ME
TO WALK YOU TO YOUR CAR?

OH, UH, NO.
[ CHUCKLES ] I'M COVERED.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

RIGHT BACK AT YOU.

HEY, LADY.
AAH!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ]

OH, MY GOSH!

I'M SO SORRY!

I'M SO-- YOU -- YOU SCARED
THE CRAP OUT OF ME, RY!

[ Strained ]
I HAVEN'T CHECKED YET, BUT...

I THINK
I'M IN THE SAME BOAT!

KRISTIN, YOU OKAY?
WHAT HAPPENED?

OH, GOD!

UH, NO, I -- [ CHUCKLES ]
I ACCIDENTALLY TASED RYAN.

HE'S FINE.
YOU -- YOU SHOULD GO.

NO, STICK AROUND!

GIVE ME 5 MINUTES
TO GET UP TO MY FEET,

AND THEN I'M GONNA
KICK YOUR ASS!

RYAN, HONEY, NOTHING IS GOING ON
BETWEEN ME AND JOHN, OKAY?

YEAH, TH-THAT'S RIGHT.

THERE'S NO WAY
I CAN COMPETE WITH YOU.

OH, HONEY, FLOWERS?
BABY!

CUSTOMARILY, AT THIS POINT
IN THE VALENTINE'S FESTIVITIES,

THE MAN AND THE WOMAN
RETIRE TO THE BEDCHAMBER.

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

BUT I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL

ABOUT MANDATORY
ROMANTIC GESTURES, SO...

HEY, HEY,
SAY NO MORE.

THIS IS ONE AREA

WHERE MIKE BAXTER
AND "ST. VALENTINE" AGREE.

HMM.

LET'S GO TO BED.
MM-HMM.

[ BOTH GROAN ]

YOU KNOW, MIKE, THESE FLOWERS
REALLY ARE BEAUTIFUL.

YOU ACT TOUGH,
BUT YOU'RE A SOFTY.

NOT A WORD I'D LIKE USED
TO DESCRIBE ME

IN THIS
PRESENT SITUATION.

BUT A LITTLE ROMANCE IS NOT
THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD.

THAT IS THE WORST THING
IN THE WORLD.

OH, THAT'S THAT CUTE BOY JUSTIN
FROM JUNIOR ROTC!

TWO SOLDIERS KISSING --
THANK YOU, OBAMA.

[ BANGING ON DOOR ]