Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 14 - Renaming Boyd's School - full transcript

"LAST MAN STANDING"
IS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.

OH, HEY, MANDY.
HI.

OH, STILL WORKING
ON THAT DRESS?
YEAH.

WELL, THE DEALIE
THAT GOES UP AND DOWN

GOT KIND OF CAUGHT UP
WITH THE THINGY

THAT GOES
AROUND AND AROUND, SO...

WOW -- ONE MONTH
INTO THE FASHION PROGRAM,

AND YOU ALREADY KNOW YOUR
"DEALIES" FROM YOUR "THINGIES."
YEAH.

OH, MOM.
YEAH?

I WANT YOU TO HAVE
THIS ORIGINAL DESIGN SKETCH.



IT'S GOING TO BE WORTH MILLIONS
WHEN I'M FAMOUS.
OOH, AHH.

FAMOUS? IT'S THE U.C. DENVER
SCHOOL OF DESIGN.

WHO TEACHES THERE,
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FLANNEL?

Y-YOU KNOW, D-DON'T YOU THINK
THIS DRESS IS --

IS A LITTLE AMBITIOUS
FOR YOUR FIRST PROJECT?

MOM, DON'T WORRY. I'VE BEEN
MAKING MY OWN CLOTHES FOREVER.

YEAH, YOU'VE BEEN ALTERING
YOUR OWN CLOTHES, BUT YOU
HAVEN'T MADE AN OUTFIT

SINCE THAT TUBE TOP
FOR YOUR CABBAGE PATCH KID.

ANYWAYS, I'M GONNA BE
TOTALLY FINE, OKAY?

I HAVE THREE WHOLE DAYS

TO MAKE ONE
TEENIE-TINY COCKTAIL DRESS.

YEAH, AND I'M SURE
AFTER A COUPLE OF COCKTAILS,

SOMEONE MIGHT MISTAKE THIS
FOR A DRESS.

OH, HEY, BABE.
WHAT YOU DOING?



NOTHING.

UNLESS YOU HAVE
SOMETHING FOR ME TO DO.

THEN I'M REALLY BUSY.

HI, MOM.
Vanessa: HEY.

WE JUST CAME FROM THE MOST
EXCITING P.T.A. MEETING EVER.

YOU KNOW, FOR THE RECORD,

NO MAN ON EARTH
HAS EVER SAID THOSE WORDS.

THE FIRST GRADERS
HAD AN ASSIGNMENT

TO WRITE A PARAGRAPH
ABOUT CAPTAIN WILLIAM CLARK,

THE GUY
THE SCHOOL IS NAMED FOR.
OOH.

YEAH,
LEWIS AND CLARK, 1804.

THEY BLAZED A TRAIL FROM
MISSOURI TO THE PACIFIC COAST.

YOU KNOW,
LEWIS WENT ON TO MAKE

A SERIES OF VERY FUNNY MOVIES
WITH DEAN MARTIN.

AND, OF COURSE, THE LANDS THAT
THEY SUPPOSEDLY DISCOVERED

WERE ALREADY HOME TO
MILLIONS OF INDIGENOUS PEOPLE.

BUT THOSE INDIGENOUS PEOPLE --
THE INDIANS --

GOT US ALL HOOKED
ON TOBACCO.

SO I THINK
IT KIND OF EVENS ITSELF OUT.

ANYWAY, IT CAME UP
AT THE MEETING

THAT ONE OF THE KIDS DISCOVERED
CLARK WAS A SLAVE OWNER.

OH, COME ON. THIS WAS ALL DUG UP
BY A FIRST GRADER?

IT WAS A FIRST GRADER WHO'S,
LIKE, 5'11", BEARDED,

AND SITTING RIGHT OVER THERE.
MM-HMM.

MOMMY!
MOMMY! DADDY!

HA!
HEY! HEY!

THERE'S
MY LITTLE MUCKRAKER.

DO YOU REALLY THINK
IT'S A GOOD IDEA

TO DRAG MY GRANDSON INTO
TEARING DOWN THIS AMERICAN HERO?

IT'S CALLED "RESEARCH,"
MIKE.

WE JUST WENT
WHERE THE FACTS LED US.

DID YOU KNOW
CLARK ATE OVER 200 DOGS?

I WAS GONNA PUT THAT
IN THE PAPER,

BUT I DIDN'T
WANT TO MAKE PEOPLE SAD.

BRING THEM DOWN
AFTER ALL THAT FUN SLAVE STUFF.

DAD, LISTEN,
I'M ACTUALLY REALLY PROUD

THAT BOYD
WAS SO INTO THIS.

A-ALTHOUGH NOW I'M QUESTIONING
WHY HE SUDDENLY WANTS A PUPPY.

PEOPLE DESERVE TO HEAR
THE WHOLE STORY ABOUT CLARK.

YOU KNOW, WHEN -- WHEN HISTORY
IS WRITTEN BY THE WINNERS,

THE LOSERS GET NO VOICE.

ONE OF THEM DOES.

DAD, CLARK OWNED PEOPLE, OKAY?
THAT'S A BIG DEAL.

AND NOW THERE'S A PETITION
GOING AROUND TO CHANGE
THE SCHOOL'S NAME.

OH, STOP THAT!
WAIT A MINUTE.
W-W-W-WAIT!

ISN'T THAT KIND OF DRASTIC?

I MEAN, THERE'S -- THERE'S
A LOT OF HISTORY IN THAT SCHOOL.
RIGHT.

YEAH, WE JUST HATE THE IDEA
OF HONORING A SLAVE OWNER.

WELL, DON'T GO TO D.C.
NO.

YOU KNOW, WASHINGTON
WAS A SLAVE OWNER,

AND THEY GAVE HIM
HIS OWN MONUMENT.

YEAH, AND THEN A BRIDGE
WAS NAMED AFTER HIM.

AND A TOWN.
AND A STATE.

AND A-A...A DENZEL.

-- Captions by VITAC --

HEY, HONEY, YOU KNOW,

WE'VE BEEN EATING A LOT
OF OATMEAL AND FRUIT THESE DAYS.

I'M JUST SAYING THAT MAYBE
FOR A COUPLE DAYS

WE TRY BACON AND EGGS.

HMM? OH, SURE.

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
NOW, LISTEN --

THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX HERE,
WE GO WITH JUST BACON.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT. YEP.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
HMM? MNH-MNH.

YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME.
NO. NO.

YOU'RE JUST SAYING YES
TO EVERYTHING I SAY,

AND I WASTED IT ON BACON!

I'M SORRY, HONEY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S J-- IT'S THIS
THING WITH BOYD'S SCHOOL.

OH, COME ON. LET THEM HAVE
WHATEVER THEY WANT.

IT'S 10:30.
I'M OVER IT.

ARE YOU STILL IN THAT "SAY YES
TO EVERYTHING I WANT" MODE?

YOU KNOW, IF THEY CHANGE
THE NAME OF CLARK ELEMENTARY,

IT'S NOT JUST THE SIGN
ON THE FRONT DOOR.

THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS
AROUND THAT SCHOOL

THAT DEPICT LEWIS AND CLARK,

AND THEY'LL PROBABLY
GET RID OF THOSE, TOO.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
S-SIGN OUT FRONT AND THEN THE...

THE MURAL IN THE LOBBY.
AHA.

WHAT?

THE MURAL IN THE LOBBY,
THE ONE THAT YOU BUILT

WHEN YOU WERE
THE PRESIDENT OF THE P.T.A.

OH!
I FORGOT ABOUT THAT.

YEAH.

I MEAN, NO, IT --
IT WOULD BE SO PETTY OF ME

TO TRY TO SAVE SOME SILLY,
BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL MURAL

THAT WE SPENT MONTHS DESIGNING
AND SKETCHING AND PAINTING.

YOU JUST WANT TO SAVE
THAT STUPID MURAL.
[ SIGHS ] NO, NO.

EVERYBODY LOVES THAT MURAL,
MIKE.

IT WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY REIGN
AS P.T.A. PRESIDENT.

YOUR REIGN?

THAT MURAL IS A PIECE OF ME
THAT I JUST --

I THOUGHT
WOULD BE THERE FOREVER.

MANDY'S CLASS
HELPED MAKE IT.

AND EVERY TIME BOYD WALKS
PAST IT, HE THINKS OF ME.

AND MAYBE A LITTLE
OF LEWIS AND CLARK.

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE SOME SKIN
IN THIS, TOO.
I KNOW.

YOU WERE THE MODEL
FOR WILLIAM CLARK.

YEP.
UGH. THAT WAS YOUR ART TEACHER
WHO TALKED ME INTO THAT.

"YOU'RE THE PERFECT MODEL
FOR THIS,

"WITH YOUR CHISELED JAW
AND YOUR STEELY EYES

AND YOUR FIRM BUTT."

OH, MAN.

YOU'VE SEEN THE MURAL.
I...

AND NOW THE SCHOOL BOARD

WILL PROBABLY SLAP PAINT
ALL OVER THAT, TOO.

LISTEN, YOU KNOW SOMEBODY
ON THE SCHOOL BOARD.

JUST GIVE HER A CALL.

WHAT? CAROL LARABEE?
YEAH.

OH, COME ON!
THAT'S SO AWKWARD.

YOU WANT ME TO ASK
AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMAN

TO STAND UP FOR A GUY
WHO OWNED SLAVES?

HUH.

YEAH, YOU DON'T
WANT TO LEAD WITH THAT.

BUT IF YOU DO TALK TO HER,

DON'T GET ALL SELF-CONSCIOUS
LIKE YOU NORMALLY --
I DON'T.

YES, YOU DO.
NO, I DON'T!

YOU'LL END UP TELLING HER
HOW YOU LOVE "THE WIRE."
WHAT -- [ SIGHS ]

I AM NOT ASKING CAROL.

WELL, SHE OWES US ONE.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL ASK HER.

YOU KNOW, SHE ASKED US
TO WATER HER PLANTS

WHILE SHE WAS ON VACATION.

[ SIGHING ]

OH, BY THE WAY, WE WERE
SUPPOSED TO WATER HER PLANTS

WHILE
SHE WAS ON VACATION.

HI, MIKE BAXTER HERE
FOR OUTDOOR MAN,

HERE TO TALK TO YOU MEN.

WE'RE OBSESSED
WITH OUR DINGERS.

OUR BEAVER BUGS,
OUR SALTY CENTIPEDES.

THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M TALKING ABOUT...

FISHING LURES.

HALF PRICE NOW AT OUTDOOR MAN.

NOW, IF YOU THOUGHT I WAS
TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE

AND GOT OFFENDED,
WELL, I'M SORRY FOR YOU.

BECAUSE IT'S YOUR
INTERPRETATION OF THE WORDS

THAT MAKE THEM OFFENSIVE.

I THINK THE SAME APPLIES
TO SPORTS TEAMS.

NOW, I UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE
DON'T WANT TO BE ASSOCIATED

WITH THE NAME
"WASHINGTON REDSKINS."

THEY WENT 3-13.

BUT YOU DON'T SEE THE FOLKS
FROM THE EMERALD ISLE

COMPLAINING ABOUT
THE FIGHTING IRISH, DO YOU?

YOU DON'T SEE
JOHN BOEHNER CRYING

ABOUT THE SYRACUSE ORANGEMEN.

NOW, WHATEVER THE COLOR,

LET'S JUST TRY TO DEVELOP
A THICKER SKIN.

MAYBE BY SPENDING
MORE TIME FISHIN',

WHERE ONLY MOTHER NATURE
CAN HEAR YOU BITCHIN'.

SO COME ON DOWN TO THE STORE...

AND GRAB
ONE OF OUR DONKEY DONGERS.

OKAY, THAT DID SOUND BAD.

OH. SOLID VLOG, MIKE.

WHAT GOT YOU THINKING
ABOUT RENAMING SPORTS TEAMS?

THEY WANT TO CHANGE THE NAME
OF CLARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL NOW

BECAUSE, ALL OF A SUDDEN,
LEWIS AND CLARK ARE BAD GUYS.

YOU KNOW, NOTHING LASTS, MIKE.
WE ALL HAVE TO LET GO.

THAT'S SOMETHING
I'M LEARNING AS I'M --

I'M APPROACHING MIDDLE AGE.

"MIDDLE AGE"?

HOW LONG DO YOU EXPECT
TO LIVE, ED?

UNTIL SCIENCE CATCHES UP
WITH TECHNOLOGY,

AND THEN FOREVER.

YOU KNOW, THIS
REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING.

SOMETHING OBSCURE
AND BORING, RIGHT?
NO.

DE-STALINIZATION
UNDER THE SOVIETS.

WOW, WAS I EVER WRONG!

YOU HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

SIT THERE.
I'M GONNA GET SOME COFFEE.

PLEASE. I'LL BE BACK.

THE CITY OF VOLGOGRAD
USED TO BE CALLED TSARITSYN,

YOU KNOW,
AFTER THE TSAR.
YEAH, I KNOW.

THE SOVIETS CAME IN,
SHOT THE TSAR,

AND RENAMED
THE WHOLE TOWN STALINGRAD.

RIGHT, THEN STALIN DIED.

KHRUSHCHEV
CHANGED THE NAME BACK.

YEAH. RIGHT.
SO?

WELL, IT ALMOST
MAKES YOU FEEL BAD FOR STALIN.

YEAH, UNTIL YOU REMEMBER

THAT HE KILLED,
LIKE, 20 MILLION PEOPLE.

YEAH, MY POINT IS,
IN TIME,

EVERYBODY GETS KNOCKED OFF
THEIR PEDESTAL.

IN 50 YEARS,
WILL PEOPLE KNOW WHO I AM?

NOBODY KNOWS
WHO YOU ARE NOW.

EXACTLY. AND I'VE MADE
PEACE WITH THAT.

THE BEST LEGACY
YOU CAN LEAVE BEHIND

IS SERVICE
TO YOUR FELLOW MAN.

AND AS YOU KNOW,
THAT'S WHY

I'VE ADOPTED
THIS INNER-CITY PARK.

YOU KNOW, IT'S SMALLER
THAN I PICTURED IT.

IT'S MY LEGACY.

YES, IT'S ALL --

ALL NEW LANDSCAPING
AND PLAYGROUND EQUIPMENT.

AND WHO NEEDS MONUMENTS

WHEN YOU HAVE
SWEEPING OAK TREES AND --

AND THE LAUGHTER
OF GRATEFUL CHILDREN?

AND A 90-FOOT SIGN
WITH YOUR NAME ON IT.

[ WINDOW SQUEAKING ]

WHAT?

[ Chuckling ]
NOTHING. NOTHING.

YOU CAN TELL ME
IF I'M DOING A BAD JOB, BLANCA.

WELL, THIS DRESS YOU'RE MAKING
LOOKS LIKE, UH...

I-I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S A WORD
FOR THIS IN ENGLISH --

A -- WHEN A DOG THROWS UP
AND THEN EATS IT

AND THEN THROWS UP AGAIN.

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT SEWING?

OH, WELL,
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,

MY MOTHER AND I
USED TO SEW TOGETHER

FOR HOURS AND HOURS
ALL DAY.

OH, YEAH?
THAT'S SWEET.

YEAH.
WE WORKED IN A SWEATSHOP.

WE MADE CLOTHES
FOR CONTEMPO CORNER --

YOU KNOW,
THAT STORE IN THE MALL.

AND IF WE EVER TURNED IN
A HEM THAT BAD --

WHEW! -- THEY WOULD BEAT US
WITH A DONKEY STICK.

BLANCA, PLEASE,
CAN YOU TEACH ME?

LISTEN, EVERYBODY
ALWAYS UNDERESTIMATES ME.

BUT IF I COULD TURN IN
A DRESS LIKE THIS,

MAYBE THEY'D
FINALLY ESTIMATE ME.

OKAY. BUT YOU HAVE TO DO
EVERYTHING I SAY, MIJA.

THAT MEANS YOU CAN'T TAKE ANY
SHORTCUTS OR MAKE ANY EXCUSES.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

YES. BUT WHAT IF I --
YOU CAN'T.

BUT EVEN IF I --
YOU WON'T.

I'M IN. THANK YOU SO MUCH!
THIS IS REALLY NICE OF YOU.

[ LAUGHS ]
OH, THIS IS NOT NICE.

YOU'RE GOING TO PAY ME.

PLUS, I'M ALSO ALLOWED
BATHROOM BREAKS,

DRINK-COMPANY WATER,
AND IF I GET BITTEN BY A RAT,

I GET TIME OFF
TO DRESS THE WOUND.

YEAH. DEAL.

HA!

OH, I WOULD HAVE DONE IT
WITHOUT THE WATER!

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU WOULD NEVER CUT IT
AT CONTEMPO CORNER, MISS MANDY.

OKAY.
[ SPEAKS SPANISH ]

MIKE?
UH-HUH?

HAVE YOU EVER
GOOGLED YOURSELF?

YEAH, I USED TO GOOGLE
ALL THE TIME.

THEN I MARRIED YOU.

WHEN YOU SEARCH "MIKE BAXTER,"
ALL YOUR VLOGS COME UP.
YEAH?

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE MORE POPULAR
THAN THE MIKE BAXTER

THAT PLAYS
FOR THE LOS ANGELES DODGERS.

WELL,
I HAD A BETTER YEAR.

YOU KNOW WHAT COMES UP
WHEN YOU TYPE "VANESSA BAXTER"?

A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WITH
WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON HER HANDS.

NO, A PORN STAR WITH
SOMETHING ELSE IN HER HANDS.

YEAH, MEET
THE MOST FAMOUS VANESSA BAXTER.

EXCEPT "BAXTER"
IS WITH THREE X's.

OH, COME ON.

THIS IS NOT COMPETITION,
YOU KNOW.

NO, I -- HONEY.
YOU'RE A PhD.

HONEY, THIS IS A...
P-H-DOUBLE-D.

[ SIGHS ]

YOU GOT TO GO THROUGH
40 PAGES

BEFORE
YOU CAN FIND ME ONLINE.

HONEY, I JUST FEEL LIKE
IF THEY TAKE AWAY THAT MURAL,

IT'LL BE LIKE
I-I NEVER EVEN EXISTED.

YOU'LL ALWAYS BE
MRS. MIKE BAXTER.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
WHO'S THAT?

OH, CAROL LARABEE.
SHE CAN HELP YOU WITH THE MURAL.

HONEY, NO! NO. WAIT!
I TOLD YOU!

THIS IS TOO SENSITIVE
TO BRING UP WITH CAROL!

WHAT DID YOU DO?
I INVITED HER
OVER HERE BECAUSE --

WE ALWAYS LIKE
SEEING YOU, CAROL.

HEY, CHUCK.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HELLO, BAXTER.

NICE TO SEE YOU,
VANESSA.
HI, CHUCK.

VANESSA.
YES?

MIKE TELLS ME
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT

THIS WHOLE CLARK SCHOOL
CONTROVERSY.

UH, REALLY, NO.
NO, I DON'T.

SHE THINKS
IT WOULD BE AWKWARD

BECAUSE CLARK
WAS A SLAVE OWNER.

WHAT COULD BE AWKWARD

ABOUT DEFENDING A SLAVE OWNER
TO YOUR ONLY BLACK NEIGHBORS?

CHUCK,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I WOULDN'T MISS THIS
FOR THE WORLD!

BESIDES, IT'S BETTER
THAN SITTING AT HOME

WITH A BUNCH
OF DEAD PLANTS.

OH, YOU'LL PROBABLY
THINK TWICE

ABOUT ASKING US
TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR DOG.

I-I'M NOT REALLY
DEFENDING ANYBODY.

I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE
THAT SLAVERY WAS WRONG.

[ LAUGHS ] WELL,
THANK GOD THAT'S SETTLED.

NOBODY IS TRYING
TO DEFEND SLAVERY.

Carol: I KNOW.
I BET SOMEONE'S
GOING TO COME AWFUL CLOSE.

I JUST DON'T THINK
A MAN'S MISTAKES

SHOULD ERASE
HIS ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

AND THAT
DIDN'T TAKE LONG.

BUT IT'S NOT JUST
THE SLAVERY ISSUE.

PARENTS DON'T LIKE
HOW CLARK TURNED HIS BACK

ON THE NATIVE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT REMINDS ME
OF HOW AVON BARKSDALE

SOLD OUT STRINGER BELL
ON "THE WIRE," RIGHT?

I KEEP TELLING YOU
I HAVEN'T SEEN IT.

I AGREE WITH YOU, MIKE.

IT'S CRAZY TO WASTE MONEY
CHANGING SIGNS

WHEN WE'RE
LAYING OFF TEACHERS.

NOW, HONEY, HOW WOULD
THEY HANDLE THIS ON "THE WIRE"?

USUALLY THESE CONTROVERSIES,
THEY BURN THEMSELVES OUT.
RIGHT.

BUT NOT AS LONG
AS YOUR DAUGHTER AND SON-IN-LAW

KEEP DRIVING THIS.

TECHNICALLY HE'S NOT
OUR SON-IN-LAW, RIGHT?

HE --
HE'S JUST A-A GUY.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK --
HOW ABOUT THIS FOR A COMPROMISE?

WHAT IF WE RENAMED THE SCHOOL
FOR -- FOR MERIWETHER LEWIS?

WELL, THAT WAY
YOU COULD SAVE YOUR MURAL.

OH, GOSH! I WASN'T
EVEN THINKING ABOUT THAT.

AND IF WE RENAMED IT
LEWIS ELEMENTARY,

IT WOULD GIVE, UH, GAY KIDS
A HISTORIC ROLE MODEL.

MERIWETHER LEWIS WAS GAY?

THERE IS SOME RESEARCH
TO SUGGEST THAT, YEAH.

HIS MOM SET THAT TABLE
BY NAMING THE KID MERIWETHER.

TWO DUDES DRESSED IN FUR,
HEADED FOR SAN FRANCISCO?

YEAH, THAT TRACKS.

YEAH, BUT, I MEAN, IF
WE NAMED THE SCHOOL AFTER LEWIS,

WE'D STILL HAVE TO CHANGE
THE SIGNS.

WHAT IF WE NAMED IT
AFTER TOM C. CLARK?

ALL RIGHT, WELL, WHO --
WHO IS TOM C. CLARK?

TOM C. CLARK. HE'S A
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE
IN THE '50s?
YES.

LEAST CONTROVERSIAL JUSTICE
OF ALL TIME.

THE GUY LITERALLY
JUST SAT ON THE BENCH.

HONEY, HOW DO YOU KNOW
ALL THIS STUFF?

WELL, IF YOU STOPPED
GOOGLING PORN STARS,

YOU'D SEE THERE'S
A WHOLE WORLD OUT THERE.

OH, WELL, YEAH, JUSTICE CLARK.
YOU KNOW, HE'S A SAFE CHOICE.

THERE IS NOTHING OBJECTIONABLE
IN HIS RECORD.

IS THAT
WHAT WE'RE GETTING TO?

WE JUST NAME
PUBLIC BUILDINGS

AFTER THE MOST BORING PEOPLE
WE KNOW?

HEY, CHUCK, YOU WANT
A LIBRARY NAMED AFTER YOU?

MIKE'S RIGHT.

WE SHOULD NAME THE SCHOOL AFTER
SOMEONE WHO SHOOK THINGS UP.

YEAH, PREACH, BROTHER.

MALCOLM X ELEMENTARY.

STOP PREACHING, BROTHER.

SINCE HALF THE POPULATION
OF DENVER IS LATINO,

MAYBE YOU COULD NAME IT
AFTER A MAN

WHO EXPLORED THE WEST 300 YEARS
BEFORE YOUR LEWIS AND CLARK.

VASCO NúÑEZ DE BALBOA.

MALCOLM X NOT SOUNDING SO BAD
NOW, IS IT, BAXTER?

OKAY! DO IT AGAIN!

EVEN MY UNCLE'S PET MONKEY

COULD SEW A HEM
BETTER THAN THIS!

BUT HE ALSO PLAYS
THE ACCORDION.

OH, HE'S A PRETTY SPECIAL
LITTLE FELLOW.

I'M SORRY, BLANCA.
I'M JUST SO TIRED!

CONCENTRATE!
YOU CAN'T TALK AND SEW!

HEY.
OH, HEY.

E-EXCELLENT WORK,
MISS MANDY.

OH, YOU HAVE A REAL TALENT
FOR THIS. [ CHUCKLES ]

MANDY, HONEY, LOOK AT ALL
THE PROGRESS YOU'RE MAKING.

MAYBE YOU WILL BE
A FAMOUS DESIGNER.
OOH!

SELL MILLIONS
OF DRESSES...

NO STUPID SCHOOL BOARD
CAN PAINT OVER THAT.

OH, MISS MANDY
IS DOING A BEAUTIFUL JOB.

[ LAUGHS ]

IF YOU THINK
DOG VOMIT IS BEAUTIFUL.

NOW, KEEP YOUR EYE
ON THAT UNDER STITCH!

OW!

I JUST UNDER-STITCHED
MY FINGER!

WAIT! WHY DID YOU
STOP WORKING?!

AT CONTEMPO CORNER,
IF YOU WERE BLEEDING,

THEY'D JUST SWITCH YOU
TO THE RED SWEATERS.

I CAN'T SEW ANYMORE,
OKAY?

I'M DONE. MY FINGERS ARE NUMB,
AND MY BACK IS KILLING ME.

I CAN'T EVEN SEE STRAIGHT.

I DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES
TO MAKE IT IN FASHION.

SO I'M JUST GONNA TELL
U.C. DENVER I'M --

I MADE THAT?

[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU MADE THIS.

[ LAUGHS ]
THIS DRESS IS AWESOME SAUCE.

OH! [ LAUGHS ]
BLANCA, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I'M SORRY I HAD TO BE SO HARD
ON YOU, MISS MANDY.

BUT YOU HAVE
SO MUCH POTENTIAL, AND I --

I JUST WANTED TO WRING IT OUT
OF YOU LIKE DIRTY MOP WATER.

YOU ARE
AN AMAZING TEACHER.

OH!

LISTEN, HOW MUCH
DO I OWE YOU?

OH, $20.

UM, AN HOUR?

YES...

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

OH.

HEY, MIKE.
KRIS ISN'T HERE.

WELL, I CAME HERE
TO TALK TO YOU.

AND THERE ARE SO MANY
ELECTRONIC WAYS TO DO THAT NOW.

THIS WILL
JUST TAKE A MINUTE.

UNLESS YOU'RE PAINTING YOUR FACE
BLUE AND LIBERATING SCOTLAND.

LISTEN,
AS A FAVOR TO MY WIFE,

WOULD YOU DROP
THIS CLARK THING AT THE SCHOOL?

[ SIGHS ]
OH, I GET IT.

YOU KNOW, MIKE,
I'M ACTUALLY CURIOUS.

ARE YOU REALLY INTERESTED
IN PRESERVING VANESSA'S MURAL,

OR ARE YOU INTERESTED
IN PRESERVING

YOUR PRIVILEGED, WHITE,
EURO-CENTRIC READING

OF AMERICAN HISTORY?

WELL, I LIKE BOTH,
SO DON'T MAKE ME PICK.

EVEN CAROL LARABEE
AGREES WITH ME.

AND HER ANCESTORS HAVE A BIGGER
BEEF WITH CLARK THAN YOU DO.

CAROL LARABEE LIKES
NAMING SCHOOLS AFTER OPPRESSORS?

SHE DOESN'T LIKE SPENDING MONEY
ON TRIVIAL STUFF.

AND THAT'S -- THAT'S UNUSUAL
FOR A BUREAUCRAT AND A WOMAN.

MAYBE WE WOULD HAVE
MORE OF A BUDGET FOR OUR SCHOOLS

IF IT WEREN'T FOR
THE SEQUESTER CUTS

THAT YOUR REPUBLICAN CONGRESS
PUSHED THROUGH.

THAT YOUR PRESIDENT OBAMA
SIGNED.

HE IS NOT MY GUY ANYMORE.
HE'S NOT MY GUY!

WELL, I DON'T WANT HIM!

WELL, THAT WOULD EXPLAIN
HIS APPROVAL RATINGS.

LOOK,
I GET THAT YOU THINK

THIS WILLIAM CLARK THING
IS TRIVIAL.

BUT IT IS IMPORTANT
TO ME.

THAT'S HOW I KNOW
IT'S TRIVIAL.

I JUST WANT
THE NAME ON MY SON'S SCHOOL

TO BE A ROLE MODEL
HE CAN LOOK UP TO.

YOU WANT YOUR KID
TO LOOK UP TO SOMEONE?

HOW ABOUT
BEING A BETTER FATHER?

OH, YEAH, OKAY.
HERE WE GO AGAIN.

I CAN NEVER
BE A GREAT FATHER

BECAUSE I RAN OUT ON KRISTIN
AND BOYD SEVEN YEARS AGO.

I WASN'T EVEN GONNA
BRING THAT UP.

IT'S ABOUT THE STUPID BATTLE
OVER THIS SIGN, YOU KNOW.

HOW ABOUT
PICKING YOUR BATTLES?

WHERE DO WE DRAW THE LINE AT?
[ SIGHS ] HEY, BUDDY.

DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG,
DADDY?

NO, OF COURSE NOT, BUDDY.
YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.

JUST...

I SHOULD GO PUT ON
SOME PANTS.

WHY DON'T YOU FIND A TOP
THAT GOES WITH THAT SKIRT?

DID I MAKE EVERYBODY MAD
WITH MY WILLIAM CLARK REPORT?

NO, YOU DIDN'T.
YOU DID GREAT STUFF.

IT'S ALWAYS GOOD
TO BE INQUISITIVE.

WHAT'S "INQUISITIVE?"

[ CHUCKLES ]
THERE YOU GO.

SO, WAS WILLIAM CLARK
REALLY A BAD MAN?

IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE,
REALLY.

HE DID A LOT OF THINGS
THAT WERE BAD, YES.

BUT HE DID SOME STUFF
THAT MADE HIM VERY IMPORTANT,

WHICH IS WHY
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HIM.

BUT IN THE MOVIES THERE'S ALWAYS
THE BAD GUY AND THE GOOD GUY.

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?

DIDN'T WE SEE
"PLATOON" TOGETHER?

NOBODY'S PERFECT.
EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES.

EVEN ME.

DID YOU OWN SLAVES?

I DIDN'T HAVE TO.
I HAD KIDS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

BUT ONE TIME,
I WAS ON MY WAY TO CATECHISM,

AND I STOLE A CANDY BAR.

THAT'S BAD.
THAT IS BAD.

ONE TIME I S-- I STOLE
MY DAD'S BONNEVILLE, RIGHT?

AND I BLAMED IT
ON MY YOUNGER BROTHER.

THAT'S WORSE.

LOOK, THE POINT
I'M TRYING TO MAKE

IS I DON'T WANT
THE BAD THINGS IN MY LIFE

TO BE THE ONLY THINGS
PEOPLE REMEMBER.

I THINK YOUR DAD AND I
CAN AGREE ON THAT.

THIS IS FUN!

TELL ME MORE BAD STUFF
YOU DID, GRANDPA.

WELL, I TRAVELED A LOT
WHEN I FIRST STARTED WORKING.

AND I WASN'T AROUND FOR A LOT OF
THE STUFF YOUR MOM WENT THROUGH

AS A LITTLE GIRL,
AND I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

BUT I WANTED TO BE
AN ADVENTURER THEN.

SO YOU WERE JUST LIKE
LEWIS AND CLARK?

EH...

MORE LIKE CLARK
THAN LEWIS.

[ CLEARING THROAT ]

AHEM.

YOU DON'T NEED TO MAKE
THAT NOISE.

WE'RE LOOKING
RIGHT AT YOU.

LOOK OUT, HEIDI KLUM.

GREAT, SO I LOOK LIKE A
40-YEAR-OLD WHO'S HAD FOUR KIDS?

WOW. THANKS, DAD.

OKAY, SO I'M NOT UP
ON MY SUPERMODELS.

ANYWAY, I AM OFF
TO STEPH'S PARTY.

GONNA GO SHOW OFF
MY ORIGINAL "MANDY BAXTER."

[ SIGHS ]

HAVEN'T ENOUGH GUYS
SEEN YOUR MANDY BAXTERS?

HEY. HEY.
HEY.

HEY, YOU GUYS.
HOW WAS THE P.T.A. MEETING?

WELL, YOU WON, DAD.

THE SCHOOL IS STILL NAMED
AFTER YOUR HERO WILLIAM CLARK.

SO, LIKE EVERY OTHER P.T.A.
MEETING, NOTHING HAPPENED.

WELL, THE GOOD NEWS
IS MY MURAL IS SAFE.

AND NOW THERE'S MORE MONEY
FOR BOOKS AND CRAP.

ONCE RYAN WITHDREW HIS PETITION,
EVERYONE CHILLED OUT.

UNTIL YOUR FRIEND ED
SHOWED UP

AND STARTED A WHOLE
DIFFERENT FIGHT BY DONATING

SOME EXTRA PLAYGROUND EQUIPMENT
FROM HIS PARK.

YEAH. WELL, ACTUALLY,
THAT WAS MY IDEA.

PLAN "B" TO GET EVERYBODY
OFF THE NAME THING.

HMM, HONEY,
HOW DID YOU KNOW

THAT FREE MONKEY BARS
WOULD BE SO CONTROVERSIAL?

20% OF ALL BROKEN BONES
SUFFERED IN KIDS

COME FROM MONKEY BARS.

DON'T EVEN GET HIM STARTED
ON THE TEETER-TOTTERS.

OH, YOU MEAN
THE CHILD CATAPULT?

THAT'S HOW I KNEW.
I GET IT.

I'M SORRY THAT, YOU KNOW,
I WANT OUR KID TO GROW UP

WITH TWO FUNCTIONING ARMS.
RIGHT, OF COURSE. UH-HUH.

SHOULD WE JUST WRAP BOYD UP
IN BUBBLE WRAP?

IT'S A CELLOPHANE
DEATH MACHINE.

LET'S TALK ABOUT DEATH --
LET'S TALK ABOUT BUBBLE WRAP.

[ MUFFLED TALKING ]